A sharp, loud noise like a glass shard breaking from a window pierced the air, and Benji instinctively swatted at the source with a groan, eyes still unopened. It went quiet and Benji sighed in relief, burying himself under the covers again and rolling over onto his other side, leaving Victor with his arm hanging off the edge of the bed and his back exposed to the morning cold.

"Mornin'," Victor said after clearing his throat, his voice raspy. He scooted closer to Benji, pulling back some of the covers for himself as he pressed a light kiss to Benji's shoulder blade.

Benji jumped and looked over his shoulder in a panic before he relaxed, smacking himself in the forehead. "Mornin'. You scared me."

"Why? Did you forget I was here?" Victor teased, fitting his chest against Benji's spine, the fusion of their bones a preferable option to getting up at such an early hour.

"Mm... yeah, kinda," Benji said with a chuckle, turning in Victor's embrace to face him. "It's been so long since we slept in the same bed."

"I mean... if you count the time over the summer..."

"That's different," Benji said with an eye roll as he gave Victor a quick peck on the lips.

Victor grinned and said: "Did you really have to set an alarm? Especially one that's so stupid early?"

"We got shit to do," Benji retorted, pushing himself into a sitting position as he looked at his phone. "And even though people are bringing some stuff, the food isn't gonna cook itself. We also need to set up and all that jazz."

"All right, all right. Fair," Victor said, stretching before peeling himself away from Benji and dragging himself to his feet.

"Plus, I can bet your ass that Soledad is gonna wanna put makeup on you so we need to give her time for that."

Raising an eyebrow, Victor thought about it. The last time he'd worn makeup had been ages ago, when he and Benji and their friends had decided to get drag makeovers. He wasn't opposed to it, per se, but there was still something about the machismo he had been brought up with that still had its claws in him, a vice-like grip that he had spent years trying to unclasp from his psyche. While he had made some progress, he wanted to make a more concerted effort to be okay with accepting femininity in his life, because ultimately, there was nothing shameful about it, he reasoned.

"Oh, will she, now...? Sounds... interesting."

"Yeah. She likes you now so that comes with her complaining about how exhausted you look and trying to fix it. You can always tell her to lay off but... it's kinda nice, actually. And pretty relaxing, if I may add," Benji said, watching Victor for a moment, allowing his eyes to glide down the other's bare body for a moment before he rose from the bed, too.

"I'll think about," Victor said with a small smile before he kissed Benji's cheek.

They dressed quickly in their normal clothes for now because, knowing their habits in the kitchen, they would make a mess of themselves even with an apron on by some sorcery. When they exited Benji's room, the familiar smell of buttery flatbreads cooking on a skillet on the stove wafted through the flat, reminding them of their empty stomachs, the gnawing threatening to dig a put in their insides..

In the kitchen, as if she had been privy to their previous conversation, stood Soledad, flipping over one of the parathas she cooked for herself to go with her chickpea curry for breakfast. The three of them exchanged a round of "mornin'"-s and "Merry Christmas"-es (although Soledad ruined the uniformity a bit by her use of the unfamiliar sounding "Happy Christmas") and Soledad told them to help themselves to some food, which they accepted gratefully.

Victor observed as Benji dusted the counter with flour before he rolled out the paratha dough and dropped it in the pan, then followed suit, pleased by the simple process. In a few minutes they had their piping hot breakfast ready, which they ate quickly before Benji's and Soledad's other flatmates, Shuang, Rhiannon and Amir, emerged from their rooms to greet them. They all chatted over breakfast, with Victor still in awe about how pleasant Soledad was being to him. Almost too pleasant, in fact, but Benji assured him it was genuine; Soledad was a horrible actress.

When they finished eating, they split off into two groups--Victor, Benji and Shuang in the kitchen, and Soledad, Amir and Rhiannon in the living room to set up tables and chairs and decorate.

"First order of business," Benji said, looking down at his phone, "what do ya'll wanna listen to?"

Opening his mouth to speak, Victor looked to Benji before the other glanced at him from the side of his eye before he spoke.

"And please, Victor, don't say Beyoncé. I like her but... There needs to be a limit."

Immediately, Victor closed his mouth again.

"What's your absolute favorite song?" Shuang asked, leaning against the counter and flicking her rainbow hair from her eyes.

"Aside from "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton... I would have to say--Ohh... Victor's gonna know this one... very well," Benji said, lip curling up and exposing his pointed canines as he pressed play and gazed at Victor for a moment before shuffling over and planting a kiss on the other's lips as Shuang squealed in delight, remarking about how cute they were.

I threw a wish in the well, don't ask me, I'll never tell

I looked to you as it fell and now you're in my way

The familiar chords started to play, and Victor rolled his eyes as he kissed Benji back, wrapping his arms around the other's waist. For a moment, the kitchen disappeared, the cool tile floor fell away, and the only living beings to exist were Victor and Benji, together, breathing in sync. Victor remembered that day, years ago, when he saw Benji on stage, illuminated by the spotlight, seeming to sing to him alone. He watched as his boyfriend began to dance the way Victor had taught him, fixated.

"Hey! Turn that shit off!" Soledad called from the living room with a giggle, breaking them back to reality, and they erupted into a fit of laughter, too, before getting to work.

"Okay, what are we making?" Shuang asked, tying her rainbow fringe on top of her head to keep it out of her eyes.

"That's actually a good idea..." Benji said as he watched Shuang, before he passed out aprons and tied one around his own waist. Pointing to her hair, he said: "You got any more of those?"

"Here," she said, handing over a few hair ties, and Benji and Victor followed suit; when they were done, they resembled three radishes. "It's good not to get our hair in the food."

"Thanks," Benji said as he opened the fridge and stared inside. "So to answer your original question... we have a turkey, vegetables, standard stuff... mulled wine, but someone else is gonna have to make that, and Victor you wanted to make--"

"Tembleque and empanadas," Victor said, sliding beside Benji and peering into the fridge, too, and began taking the necessary ingredients out and setting them on the counter. "I'm gonna need help with the empanadas, though."

"Yeah I'm gonna need help cutting vegetables, as well," Benji said as he washed his hands and started preparing the food.

"I've never celebrated Christmas before," Shuang said as she grabbed a knife and began cutting some vegetables as Benji requested, working quickly. "In China it's more of a commercial thing, so we only get some time off from school but don't really do anything like this."

"Really? That's wild," Victor replied, eyes widening. He stirred a pot full of coconut milk and other ingredients, as he had commandeered the stove to make the tembleque so it had a few hours to cool off and set. "But you guys have like New Year and stuff at least, right? And do you give each other gifts?"

"Oh yeah, I actually got you all some... apples," Shuang said with a grin.

They continued chatting and working and occasionally dancing around the kitchen, but the cramped quarters made that difficult for more than a few moments. Victor asked Shuang to help him with making the dough and filling for the empanadas, as it was a task that worked better with more hands. Meanwhile, Benji stuck the turkey in the oven, happy it had been prepared the night before by Amir, because Benji didn't care for touching raw meat. It helped that he generally didn't eat a lot of it, either.

When they finished cooking what they could, and when all that could go in the oven was safely within the burning chamber, roasting away, and the living room had been set up and decorated, with a long table to accommodate several people and covered with a green and red checkered table cloth, along with pinecones and branches and candles set atop it, they decided to get dressed in their party clothes before their guests arrived. It was almost one at this point, and so they still had a bit of time but not much.

Victor stood in front of the mirror in Benji's room shaving, because he'd forgotten to do so earlier that morning, since Benji's alarm had woken them up at Satan's ass crack o'clock. Now that all the bathrooms were occupied, Victor had no choice, and so he tried to stay still as he felt Benji's eyes on him, steadying his breathing so he wouldn't nick himself as he was wont to do.

Benji buttoned up his shirt, a navy one with a collar and white and light green feathers that looked like flower petals curling around in the wind, and tucked his shirt into his forest green trousers. He threw on a matching blazer, not bothering to button it, and tied a little red bow tie around his neck. As he studied himself in the mirror, he chanced a glance to the side, where Victor locked his pupil with his and let out a soft, breathy chuckle.

"I like your outfit," Victor said as he wiped his face in a damp towel, checking himself in the mirror to ensure he didn't miss anything or cut himself, before applying some after shave.

"Thanks," Benji said as he straightened out his tie. "I like your face. And now I can kiss you without being in pain."

Grinning, Victor leaned down to capture Benji's lips for a brief moment before the other nuzzled his cheek against his now clean-shaven face.

"You're enjoying that a little too much," Victor said with a chuckle as he pulled away and went to dig around in his bag for his outfit for the day.

"What can I say? I missed touching your skin after all this time," Benji replied, sitting down on the bed and looking at his phone as he tried not to stare at Victor as he changed.

Humming, Victor put on a white button up, which he tucked into a pair of black slacks, with a red and black floral printed velvet blazer, buttoning it up and tying a green tie around his neck. When he was done, Benji looked up at him with a smile.

"Ready for your makeover?" Benji asked, and Victor made a face.

As if on cue, a knock at the door interrupted them.

"Come to my room, I'm not lugging all my shit in here," came Soledad's voice from the other side of the door.

Shaking his head, Benji offered a hand to Victor and led them down the corridor to Soledad's room, where she'd laid out all her makeup on basically every surface that would accommodate it, a scattered, colorful disaster resembling the many dots of a Seurat when viewed up close. She welcomed them in, motioning to her bed.

"So I had a bit of a thought... Let me know if you think it's a horrible idea, but I think it'll look really neat on you two," Soledad explained, finishing off the little green, red and blue half-wreath she had drawn on her eyelid.

Benji and Victor stared at each other first, and then at Soledad, concerned.

"Don't look at me like that, I'm not gonna do anything crazy," Soledad added, clicking her tongue. "Just a little eye makeup and concealer. You two look like you didn't sleep at all."

"We really didn't," Victor acknowledged, winking at Benji.

"Gross, I don't need to know that you two fucked," Soledad teased, earning a shove from Benji.

"You know that's a lie, you'd ask me about all the details," Benji retorted.

"Really, Benji? All the details?" Victor said with a giggle.

"I--you know what, you're right, who do I think I am," Soledad conceded, nudging Victor in the shoulder. "Anyway, back to business. We're gonna have people over soon."

"Okay, okay. You work on Vic and I can do my own makeup," Benji said. "Not like I don't do it literally every single day or anything."

"But it looks better when I do it," Soledad said with a pout, then sighed in defeat. "Fine, you can do the eyeliner but I'll do the rest. Use this."

She handed him a tube of gold liquid eyeliner, and he raised an eyebrow at it as he uncapped it and tested it on the back of his hand. He stood up to be closer to the mirror. "Okay this is kinda neat."

"Just put it on," Soledad said, grabbing Victor by the hand and pulling him a bit closer to her. "Now you... stop staring at Benji's ass and close your eyes so I can work."

"I'm closing my eyes because I felt like it, not because you told me to," Victor teased, complying regardless. "Also, I can't help it that Benji has a great ass."

He reached out blindly and poked Benji in the leg, and Benji snorted, thanking whatever higher power that may or may not exist that he had pulled the eyeliner away from his face just a moment before.

"You're so lucky I wasn't still drawing or I would have messed up and probably cried," Benji retorted, examining himself in the mirror, impressed with his own handiwork. "Okay, this slaps."

"And what do we say to Soledad?" Soledad said as she began drawing on Victor's eyes with silver eyeliner and glanced at Benji, making eye contact with him in the mirror.

"Thank you," Benji said in a sing-song voice as he lined his lids, humming along to one of the songs playing from the speakers down the hall.

When he was done, he sat down beside Victor on the bed, watching as Soledad worked her magic. She bit her lip in concentration, holding Victor's chin so he wouldn't move, and he sat like a statue aside from his occasionally fluttering eyelids.

"This looks really nice with your skin tone," Soledad said as she finished. "And you didn't blink that much, I'm proud of you. But now, I need to do the bottom bit."

"Can I see what it looks like?" Victor asked, opening and closing his hand as Soledad passed him a hand mirror. "Huh. Pretty cool."

"More like pretty hot," Benji said, kissing Victor gently on the cheek.

"Okay but you're hotter," Victor said, reaching out and holding Benji by the chin and examining his makeup. "You did a good job as well. How do you not cry when doing the bottom line?"

"You're both hot and the trick is practice," Soledad cut in, turning Victor's head toward her again. "Again, don't blink."

Victor withstood a moment but no longer, eye twitching as soon as Soledad began drawing, earning him a tut from her. When she finished, Soledad enlisted Benji to help her with applying some maroon eyeshadow, because she knew she could trust him to hold a makeup brush properly and not absolutely fuck it up. They chatted a bit more, turning to lighter topics, like how much they hated the last season of Game of Thrones, before drifting to the inevitable.

"Have you had a chance to mentally prepare for when Ish shows up?" Soledad asked as she put some concealer under Victor's eyes, just a bit to cover the result of his barely five hours of sleep.

"Yeah. I mean, it's not a whole thing," Victor said coolly. Benji shifted beside him, chewing on his lip.

"Really?" Benji asked, taking Victor by the hand. "I honestly thought you were just saying that the other day, but you seem... unfazed."

"Wait... should I be worried?"

"No, you shouldn't," Soledad said, raising an eyebrow. "Benji, what do you want from him?"

For a long moment, Benji was silent, contemplating. He really didn't know what he had been expecting from Victor, and there was something that still nagged him deep within his core, an unscratchable itch. He loved Victor, he trusted him, and he knew Victor felt the same toward him; but there was something that he was expecting, a question he was needlessly asking -- would Victor fight for him a second time?

Of course he would, Benji thought, answering his own question. But Victor being jealous wasn't him fighting for Benji, it was another trap, another attempt at wresting control and imprisoning him behind the cold, iron bars of a cage. And Benji should have seen how wrong he was to think that way before, but he hadn't been properly confronted about it until now. He'd almost sabotaged himself; he wouldn't let it happen again.

"Thank you, Soledad," Benji said simply. "Can I talk to you in private, babe?"

"Thanks," Victor said with a wave, before following after Benji, eyebrow quirked.

They returned to Benji's room to avoid the prying ears of his flatmates.

"I'm sorry, Victor."

"For what?"

Benji blinked a few times to collect himself, not wanting to ruin his eye makeup. "I shouldn't keep trying to test you to see if you're jealous and hoping that you would be in order to validate me."

Victor sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to him. "So you wanted me to be jealous."

"Yes. I know it's not healthy, but I wanted you to hate him and not get on with him because I guess I... feel like if you're not jealous, you don't care enough about me. Which is so dumb, but that's how I feel," Benji said, sitting down and wrapping his arms around Victor's elbow.

"Shh... babe, it's okay. I'll admit I was a bit jealous when you first told me but I got over it. I've accepted that it happened. And it doesn't matter because in the end, I'm the one who gets to be with you, so why should I be jealous of someone who doesn't get to? It makes no sense."

"Oh. Yeah, when you put it like that it's ridiculous, isn't it. I know it's irrational, and I'll just have to be okay with it the same way you had to be okay with knowing what happened between him and me."

"Feelings do have a tendency to do that," Victor said with a chuckle, brushing Benji's hair from his face and kissing his forehead.

"Yeah, I talked about this a bit in therapy, but I guess some of the shit Derek said to me in an attempt to rationalize and justify his jealous behaviors have still stuck with me. I need to tell him to shut the fuck up."

"His existence really was a mistake," Victor said, and they both burst out laughing.

Outside their door, voices began to filter down the corridor, a sweet yet cursed melody that indicated it was time to get on with things.

"Oh shit, I forgot about the turkey," Benji said, eyes widening as he bolted upright.

He ran out of the room, Victor on his heels, and lo and behold, Ish had just arrived, two of his friends in tow. Benji greeted them with a wave, and Victor approached, hands in his pockets.

"Hey, you must be Ismail, right?" Victor said, extending his hand with a smile. "Victor. Merry Christmas, man. Even though I know you don't celebrate."

"Good to finally meet you. Call me Ish," the other man said, eyeing him, two pairs of deep brown orbs reflecting each others' images in a mirror. "And I'm at a Christmas party, so... Happy Christmas. I've heard a lot about you, yeah."

"Only good things I hope...? Actually, nevermind, that was a silly question," Victor said with a chuckle, scratching the back of his head as he blushed a bit before clearing his throat. "Anyway..."

"If it's any consolation, it was mostly good things, bruv," Ish said with a chuckle, his eyes seeming to bore into Victor's core as he stared down at him.

"Oh, thank goodness," Victor said, exhaling loudly. "I was honestly expecting to get dragged but everyone's been so... nice."

"It's all because of Soledad. She may seem a bit... prickly, but I think she has a sixth sense or something that can detect if people are actually good or if they're shit," Ish said, stroking his beard. "I see she got to you with the eyeliner. She used to chase me around with it, as well. I kinda miss it, yeah."

From the kitchen, Benji observed Victor and Ish as they conversed with rapt attention like an owl surveying the forest floor at night from its perch. Part of him had his hackles raised, the instinct to pounce if what could inevitably become a brawl coursing through his veins like poisonous adrenaline. Another part of him looked on curiously, trying to make out what they could possibly be discussing. And the final part of him swelled with pride, which he knew is what he should have felt when he realized that Victor had surprised him with his mature and level-headed attitude toward the knowledge that Benji had given into his worst impulses with one of his friends. He couldn't help but smile when Victor and Ish broke into laughter over something he wasn't privy to.

Sighing contentedly now that he knew he truly had nothing to worry about, Benji began assembling the food they had made, along with some of the things others had brought with them.

"Need any help?" came Victor's voice from behind him, making Benji jump.

"We should start carrying stuff out in a second," Benji said, turning around to see Victor standing only a few inches in front of him. "I saw you chatting with Ish, by the way."

"Oh yeah? Could you tell me why British people love to talk about politics and religion right when they meet a person?"

They chuckled for a moment before Benji's expression faltered a bit. "I've been meaning to ask you for a while now, actually... What did you do when we were broken up? Weren't you... lonely?"

"No, I didn't fuck anyone else if that's what you're asking. You know, because of the whole regret thing," Victor said, bristling for a moment before he softened and added, "Sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I was judging you or anything. Like, I don't own you. What you did with someone else after we broke up isn't my business. And I may have resented you for being able to leave Atlanta and have a life away from me, but I never resented you for sleeping with him."

"I'm... not surprised you would resent me for leaving. Honestly, I would resent me, too. And I know we shouldn't play the suffering Olympics, either. But if it's any consolation, I was thinking of you the whole time. To the point where it literally started driving me crazy."

"Luckily, I've moved past that. And I never doubted it when you said you loved me," Victor reassured him, brushing his cheek with his thumb. "But I know a lot of times when we're hurting we can do stuff we aren't proud of. You're literally looking at the king of stupid and rash decisions. But you could have also hooked up with a stranger and been really irresponsible, so I guess the fact that it was one of your friends isn't... the worst thing."

Benji could feel tears forming in his eyes as he spoke. If this had been a conversation they had even a few months ago, he would have questioned if he even deserved this sort of unconditional acceptance. But now all he could think about was how he seemed to grow even more in love with Victor with each passing moment and each positive affirmation. No matter what he did, he would never be able to scare Victor away, he realized.

"Thank you for saying that. I appreciate you not trying to make me feel bad for that."

"Of course. And for the record, Ish actually seems pretty cool so I get why you would like him. I would probably do the same as you if I were in your place," Victor replied, his tone becoming teasing, and Benji couldn't help but laugh. The wound wasn't as fresh anymore, so it didn't sting much.

Pulling himself closer to Victor, Benji wrapped his arms around the other's back and pressed his lips to Victor's. Returning the kiss, Victor gripped at Benji's waist before letting his hand roam up Benji's side. He wouldn't let him go again.

When they broke apart, Benji said: "I don't wanna talk about him anymore right now."

"Sounds good," Victor replied, playing with Benji's sleeve as he gazed into the other's eyes. "Why did you ask, by the way? About what I was up to while we were apart?"

"I guess him being around just got me thinking," Benji said with a shrug. "Anyway, we should probably get to it before people start to complain about there being no food."

They began to put food out for their guests, telling them all to help themselves. Soon, more of their friends arrived, including Victor's roommate Xavier and some of his other friends from uni and basketball, each new set of arrivals opening up another round of introductions and questions. And soon it reminded Benji of why he didn't host parties if he could avoid it.

Eventually, Victor ended up sitting on the couch beside Ish and some other friends, arguing over Marvel movies as he sipped on some mulled wine after Benji insisted that he was fine with it. Benji shuffled over from where he had been chatting with Soledad, Shuang and some of their other friends from school. He perched on the arm of the couch and draped himself over Victor.

"You havin' fun, babe?" Benji whispered in Victor's ear.

"Mhm," Victor replied, mouth scrunching to the side as Benji leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. "That can't be comfortable, B. Wanna sit on my lap?"

Victor patted the top of his thigh as he took another sip of wine as he wiggled his eyebrows, and Benji rolled his eyes.

"Okay, you sat here on purpose so I wouldn't have a choice," Benji teased as he slid from where he'd perched down to the warmth of Victor's embrace, letting his back rest against his chest as Victor wrapped an arm around his waist. "How's your vino?".

"It's kinda like... spicy, orangey grape juice? I like it, though."

"Hmm... I guess I'll just have to imagine it. Smells nice but I don't actually have the desire to drink. Looks like my body finally got the hint that drinking makes me feel like shit."

"Would it stop you from kissing me?" Victor asked, setting his empty glass down on the table before him.

"Never," Benji said as he turned in Victor's arms, bringing his knees up as he faced Victor.

He pressed his lips to Victor's, tasting the almost saccharine flavor of wine on Victor's tongue, deepening the kiss as the presence of their guests slipped from both their minds. Benji slid his hands up to grip at the hair on the back of Victor's head, while Victor brought his other arm around Benji's back, slipping it under his blazer as he pulled him closer, cradling him to his chest as if he intended to smuggle him into a fortress inside his own jacket like a treasure--and even though he was very much human, he was also Victor's most precious treasure.

When they pulled away panting, remembering that they had an audience, they reddened like two wild strawberries on a bush with light cast on them by the sun. Some of their friends had already begun to leave and the party was winding down, but Benji still felt the presence of others around them to be leaden at this point.

"You wanna get some air?" Victor asked, shifting a bit under Benji's weight.

"Brilliant idea," Benji said as he rose and offered a hand to help Victor up.

They threw on their jackets and shoes, and traipsed through the kitchen out onto the balcony where they could finally be alone, breathing in the cool, damp air. Leaning over the railing, they stood for a moment in comfortable silence before Victor broke it.

"It's good we decided to do this because I completely forgot that I have a special gift for you... I didn't want anyone else to see it because uh... it's kinda embarrassing," Victor said as he dug around inside his breast pocket and withdrew a gift bag the size of a book.

"Are you gonna make me read again?" Benji teased as he took it, before becoming serious again. "Thank you."

"No, it's not a book, I'm not that basic," Victor replied, connecting his gaze with Benji's as he blushed a bit. "It's... something I made for you. And it'll be ideal for this weather, actually."

"Oh," Benji said, feeling his face flush, too.

He opened the bag, finding within it a crocheted teal scarf. It wasn't perfect by any means, with some points a bit misshapen from where the stitches had been dropped, but Benji figured if he tied it right, it wouldn't be noticeable. Benji stared at it for a moment before he beamed up at Victor, immediately wrapping it around his own neck.

"Victor, this is so lovely. Thank you," Benji said, feeling the soft ridges of the yarn under his fingers. "I can't believe you learned to crochet, you're literally a grandma."

"It was actually surprisingly relaxing," Victor said, giving Benji a crooked smile before he gently poked the other's nose and kissed him on the forehead.

"Now I feel kinda bad that I didn't make you something cute like this so you could actually have it for a long time... I know you said you didn't want anything fancy..."

"Benji, everything you give me is always really sweet and thoughtful," Victor remarked.

"Okay, you're right. I do give really good gifts," Benji said, opening the door to the balcony and holding his finger up in front of him. "Just wait one moment. I'll be right back."

Nodding, Victor did as Benji asked, and Benji sprinted inside to his room, passing their guests who were deep in the throes of conversation, his scarf smacking against him gently. He grabbed a little sparkly green gift bag before returning to the cool outside air.

"Welcome back," Victor said with a warm smile to counteract the winter chill.

Biting his lip, Benji passed the bag to Victor and said: "I made you a few things. Like, I know you like sweets, so I made you some um... jam. And I also baked you some different types of cookies. I was learning how to make macarons and they're... kinda tricky but I think these came out pretty good. Hope you like it all."

Victor's lips curled up in a grin, his face lighting up instantly as he opened the bag and peered inside, removing each item individually and gasping at every one. Benji giggled.

"And you said I was the grandma," Victor said, before following it up with a: "Thank you so much, B. I don't know if they'll last til tomorrow..."

"I'm glad you like them. But that's not all..." Benji said, running his fingers along the scarf. "I did get us something for the both of us when we go to Edinburgh next week... So you know how we were talking about getting tattoos a bit ago?"

"Mhm," Victor hummed, his eyes beginning to sparkle in the light reflecting off the lamp posts outside.

"I figured we might as well do it. What do you think?"

"You're the best, B," Victor said, before kissing Benji again. He breathed against his lips: "Thank you."

They stayed outside in the cool air for a bit in silence, simply enjoying each other's company and listening to each other's breathing--because today, of all the days of the year, was one of the few times when they could hear nothing but the sound of the slush careening to the earth, avoiding their heads thanks to the little roof above them. Even the roads, which were usually populated by pedestrians, stood deserted.

"A little over a year ago, I started smoking out here on this balcony," Benji said, his voice almost disturbing their peace, but not quite. "And, uh, also... it was where I kissed Ish for the first time, ironically. He was the one who got me into the whole thing."

Victor took Benji's hand in his own, their fingers slowly succumbing to the lower vibrational energy of the temperature outside. He said: "I'm glad we're not fucking with drugs anymore. And it's good we have better coping mechanisms now, too."

"Yeah... I still miss it though, sometimes. It was a mistake to even start... " Benji said with a sigh, before turning back to look at Victor. "How 'bout you?"

"I mean, since I'm not stressed out anymore I haven't really had the urge to use anything, either. It doesn't help that it's hard to find weed around here... Same with Adderall, actually. But like I said, I can do without it. Who knows what it'll be like once I'm working, though. I hope I don't need to use it again... But I guess I could probably just take antidepressants if I need them. They seem to be working well for you."

"For the most part... yeah..."

"Why only 'for the most part'? Are the side effects bad or...?"

Benji looked away for a moment before returning his gaze to Victor, the lines from their pupils intersecting.

"It's mostly just one major side effect that means it's... difficult for me to experience... arousal. Basically, my dick doesn't work the way it used to," Benji said with a bitter laugh, dropping the information before them like a live grenade--or so he thought it would be.

Pressing his lips together into a thin line and furrowing his brows, Victor rested his hand on Benji's cheek before he spoke: "I had the same problem when I was self-medicating with Adderall. So I know it can be really fucking annoying."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah. I thought I was going crazy, too, but it's just one of those things that can happen. There are ways to work around it, though."

Upon hearing that not only was Victor calm about the situation, but that he knew how to deal with it, Benji exhaled, relief washing over him like a fog over the banks of the Thames, engulfing the buildings lining the river.

"I was just... really worried about it even though I shouldn't have been because, well... I miss being intimate with you and having sex and doing all the fun stuff we used to do before and I thought we wouldn't be able to that anymore," Benji said, blinking a few times to send the tears that threatened to drip from his eyes and ruin his makeup back where they came from.

"Really all we need to do is take our time and be patient, and I know I don't have the best reputation for that but... It's worth it. You're worth it. Because I miss being able to do all that with you, too. We'll figure it out together."

"It's getting a lot easier to do this whole 'say what's on your mind' thing," Benji acknowledged, snuggling into Victor's side for warmth with a soft smile. "Do you wanna try when we go away on our trip together next week?"

"That would be amazing," Victor replied, mirroring Benji's expression. "I love you so much, B. And I'm so glad you're feeling comfortable enough to tell me what's bothering you."

"I love you, too, Vic. But I actually kinda wanted to talk more about what we were talking about earlier... Because it's still on my mind. The fact that you and Ish have been getting along is really throwing me through a loop."

"Are you jealous?" Victor teased, wrapping his arms around Benji's back as the other slipped his arms around his middle.

"What? No...just... intrigued. I guess I just never imagined my boyfriend and the guy I slept with because I was sad would ever meet in real life," Benji thought aloud as Victor tucked a stray piece of hair behind his ear.

"I guess it's a bit strange but it happens. Also, for the record, he's definitely not my type. You're the only one who's my type," Victor said, holding him a bit tighter and leaning down to plant a soft kiss on Benji's lips, lingering a moment before he pulled away.

Benji gave him a crooked smile as he squeezed him back, then rested his forehead against Victor's, the intense waves of calm and unbridled adoration hitting him at once in full force, threatening to knock him from his feet. If he hadn't been tangled up in Victor's arms like a knitting pattern, he would have fallen.

"I'm not worried, I know," Benji said with a small chuckle. "He's not pretty enough, is that what you're saying?"

"He's too tall," Victor corrected with a smirk, before he laughed at his own joke and earned a smack on the arm from Benji. "And yeah, he's not pretty like you, obviously. Although I gotta say... I feel like he and I could be friends. Is that weird?"

"Yeah, that's weird. Are you sure you're not trying to like... overcompensate?"

"Hmm... I don't know. But I also feel like I just get along with most people," Victor said after a moment of thinking. "Plus we both have pretty conservative families and you know there's always a bunch of stuff to talk about there."

"That makes sense," Benji acknowledged, staring off across the cityscape. "I mean he's also still my friend, too, so it would be a bit hypocritical of me to say you can't also be his friend. But anyway. I'm cold. And people have probably gone home already."

They retreated back into the heat of the flat, peeling off their layers and allowing the air, still full with the smell of food and wine, to overcome them. At this point only a few people remained, but they appeared to be inching toward the door with each passing second. The flat was a mess of plates and cups and wrapping paper strewn about and resembling a Dadaist painting, but no one was in their mind enough to do anything about it. Tomorrow would be another day for stripping away the paint. The feeling of waiting, kept at bay for all this time, was still nowhere to be found.

Pausing only to wash away the colors from their eyes, Benji and Victor collapsed into bed, a collection of vines and roots bound together tightly as the earth of the night claimed them until morning.