It was 11 at night, and Benji couldn't sleep. His bed felt foreign, the air, the sounds, the atmosphere — all of it felt like it didn't belong. Or maybe he was the one who didn't belong.

He didn't want to take any more pills because he had already taken a double dose earlier, but the temptation was getting too hard to handle. But he had to adjust to the time difference if he wanted to be functional. He even contemplated calling Victor, but he didn't want to bother him, especially since he had spent the whole night worrying about him and was also probably exhausted. Sighing, Benji got out of bed, sliding into a pair of flannels and a shirt before slipping out of his room.

Soledad had fallen asleep at her computer with her headphones on, a YouTube video playing in her ears. Benji tip-toed through the living room, trying not to wake her. He glanced around, noting that the light was on in the kitchen; he made his way over, peering in to see it was empty, but that the door to the balcony was slightly ajar.

Raising an eyebrow, Benji went to close the door before he noticed a silhouette hunched over the railing just outside. Taking a moment to think, Benji then pulled the door to the balcony open and stepped outside into the muggy but cool September air.

The person Benji had seen through the window turned out to be a young bearded man. He stood up straighter, towering over Benji, and Benji could feel his heart clamoring against his rib cage for a moment before the other man smiled at him and brought a self-rolled cigarette to his lips, taking a long draw before exhaling a cloud of smoke. Somehow, like Victor, he made Benji feel small, but not in a bad way. In the dim light, Benji could see the muscles tensing under the man's shirt.

"Hey," Benji whispered, for some reason unsure of how to proceed.

"Y'all right?" the man said, taking another draw from his cigarette. "You must be Benji, s'good to meet you. I'm Ismail, but you can just call me Ish, yeah."

Benji swallowed, feeling like he was just smacked in the face just from listening to Ish's extremely British accent. He wanted to hear more of it.

"Nice to meet you," Benji replied, leaning against the railing of the balcony at a comfortable distance away from the other man. He couldn't remember when he had been so nervous talking to another guy. At least, not until he met... Victor ... Benji mentally kicked himself. He was loyal, he reasoned, but he had eyes and he was allowed to use them. "D'you normally smoke out here alone at night?"

"You want a fag? I can roll you one, bruv," Ish offered, pulling out his box of tobacco and rolling papers. "My family and I are night people. Life doesn't properly start til like 9 o'clock."

Flinching at the casual use of the word 'fag', Benji had to remember where he was. Ish wasn't a threat. "Thanks for the offer but I don't smoke."

Ish nodded, pocketing his gear. As tempted as Benji was to try, he didn't want to ruin his streak of 1,345 days with no drugs or alcohol. After almost giving in while in New York, he had made a stricter effort to avoid these things at all costs. He valued his own life too much, and knew how easy it was to fall into bad habits quickly, especially when he had an addictive personality. Being teetotal was the only way he could guarantee that he wouldn't fuck himself up beyond repair. But he wasn't about to tell Ish his whole life story because while he had made peace with it, it also wasn't something he wanted to brag about. So he didn't add anything else.

"It's a bad habit I picked up, I'll admit," Ish said, breaking Benji from his thoughts. His voice was low and warm. "I think some of us go a bit mad when we first go out on our own, because we don't know what to do with our new-found freedom."

Chuckling, Benji nodded. He found himself drifting a bit closer to Ish, feeling like he was safe from judgment. "Yeah, this is my first time actually being away from home so I get it. I'm trying to ration my Xanax but I'll probably end up going a bit crazy anyway."

"Ahh," Ish hummed, taking a final drag of his cigarette before putting it out on the railing and flicking it off the balcony. "Well, if you ever want some hash I've got plenty."

"I didn't think it would be so easy to get drugs around here," Benji mused, running his hand through his hair. Normally these sorts of conversations would make him anxious, but he felt surprisingly calm.

"Don't tell my mum, though," Ish replied, properly looking at Benji now, instead of at the outlines of buildings out in the distance. They were close to the V&A and some old churches, their spires cutting through the diluted blackness of the sky; the lights of the city never waned. "I'll never hear the end of how what I'm doing is haram 'n that. She'll come all the way from Brick Lane and scold me. It's also strange because she cares more about me doing drugs and doesn't care that much about me being queer, ironically, yeah."

Tipping his head to the side, Benji raised an eyebrow. He felt a bit silly because he didn't really know what Ish was going on about; he should had done his research. He grinned before saying: "You're gonna have to dumb things down for me because I'm American."

For the first time, Ish laughed, a pleasant sound to Benji's ears. Pointing rightward, he said: "Brick Lane is just down there, still north of the River, innit. I can show you round there and also round here if you'd like. Plus, I'm sure Soledad would enjoy it, too. She says she never has time to do the touristy stuff."

Benji would be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed by this. If he had been single, he would have invited Ish into his bed right then and there. He found himself resting his head on his hand as he listened to Ish talk, but then he stood up and pulled away. So instead he said: "Yeah, that would be cool."

"G'night, Benji," Ish said with a small smile as he disappeared into the flat, leaving Benji alone to look out over the city. He watched as a man stumbled drunkenly down the pavement, shrieking before he started singing to himself.

Heart racing, Benji returned to his room, noting on his way that Soledad had vacated the couch. He turned on the lights and sat on his bed, pulling out his phone and texting Victor.

" Hey, Vic ❤️ I miss you and wanted to see your face. Are you free to FaceTime?"

Almost immediately, Benji got the notification that Victor was calling him. He plugged in his headphones and answered the call, turning on the video to see Victor sitting shirtless on his porch.

"Hey, babe," Victor smiled at him, shielding his eyes from the sun. "How was your first day in jolly old England?"

Giving Victor the once over and sighing in relief, he blushed. "It was pretty good. My housemates— er, flatmates , are pretty cool. Two of them still haven't moved in yet but there's still a few days before the semester starts so hopefully they'll turn up soon. We're gonna do some sightseeing tomorrow, though."

"I knew this would be really good for you," Victor admitted, the pang of jealousy gnawing at him despite his own words. "I'm so proud of you, y'know. You're gonna become so worldly and cultured 'n all that."

"Thank you," Benji sighed, his heart fluttering. "I just wish you could be here with me. Sleeping in a bed alone sucks."

"Ugh, I know, right?" Victor replied, frowning. From the top of his screen, he got a notification that his lawyer had messaged him. "Also, I'm really glad to hear that you're adjusting well, but I gotta go. My lawyer wants to talk to me, and you should get some sleep. It must be really late over there."

"Good luck," Benji said, blowing Victor a kiss. "I love you so much."

"I love you more," Victor insisted, blowing a kiss in return before grudgingly hanging up the phone.

Grumbling, Benji flopped down on his bed, going through his text messages until he got to the chain of messages he had with Mia.

"omg I need advice and Victor can't know about this"

He pressed send, and after a moment he saw the ellipses that indicated she was typing a response.

"ok what's up?"

Pausing, he realized that it wasn't necessarily in the best taste to be talking to his boyfriend's ex about this given how Victor and Benji had even gotten together in the first place, but considering he and Mia had become quite close over the years, he shrugged it off. The words just flew from his fingers as he typed.

"so basically... one of my flatmates is a really hot British guy and he's also really nice, but he offered me drugs and the whole thing is just tempting and I'm worried I might relapse and also I am pretty sure it WON'T happen but like, idk what to do? 🙈"

He chewed his lip as he waited for her to respond.

"idk man just like... don't do it? it's not that hard idk what to tell you lol. maybe try therapy"

Smacking himself in the face, Benji sighed.

"no but in all seriousness, keep yourself out of situations you know will mess you up and try to find distractions. you've got a lot to lose and i don't want you to fuck things up. it's not worth it. if you don't I'll fly to London and handcuff you to a wall so you can't do anything dumb. but I'm not your babysitter so you gotta handle it yourself"

Nodding, he wrote her back quickly.

"thanks, I'll think on that 🥰"

"np I'm always here if you wanna talk ❤️"

Benji read the previous message over a few times before setting his phone aside and shutting off the light. He slid under the covers, popping another Xanax before closing his eyes and imagining falling asleep in Victor's arms before the slate of his mind was wiped clean again.

—————————

Victor felt as if his life was standing still. And that thought persisted once he spoke to Benji, realizing how well he was doing without him. Victor should had been happier for his boyfriend for being on his journey to independence; but instead, he felt like he was being fucked hard with no lube. It wasn't fair. And he knew life wasn't always fair, but it was becoming especially apparent now. Benji and his friends were out having a good time and going to university, and he was stuck basically at the mercy of some rich twat who just wanted him to be miserable.

He exhaled loudly before he answered the call from his lawyer.

"Hey, I'm outside. Get dressed smart, we're going to see Derek and his lawyer. And bring the evidence you found," she said quickly.

He hadn't had the chance to even open his mouth to respond when she hung up on him. Stumbling into his closet to find a suit to wear, Victor almost tripped putting on a nice pair of dress pants and a white button-up. He finished the look with a black blazer, a tie, and soft black leather loafers, and pocketed the bug he had found in Benji's phone. His hair was a bit of a disaster, so he threw some water on it and ruffled it before running out the door almost running face-first into his lawyer.

"Hi, Victor. You sure took your time," she said sarcastically, pushing him away from her. "If I knew you were gonna be that fast I would have called an hour later."

Giving her a half-hearted grin, he straightened his blazer. "Hi, Teyana."

Despite only reaching Victor's shoulders, Teyana Jackson, Esquire was ten years older than Victor, with a good deal of experience as a defense attorney under her belt. Her curly black hair split into two ornate braids resting on each side of her neck, she held herself with pride. She wore a bright blue blazer with a matching skirt and black tights that just barely covered the massive flower tattoo that went up her entire right side. In only a few years out of law school, she had managed to make a name for herself and came highly recommended; Victor could tell she knew what she was doing.

She took two strides for Victor's one but still somehow had Victor trying to keep up with her.

"All right, we're meeting them at the restaurant. Since we're gonna be on his turf, lemme give you some ground rules. And I'm not telling you this just because. He's gonna try to make your life hell."

"Try? He's already managing just fine," Victor countered, burying his hands in his pockets.

"I know. But listen, the more you cooperate, the better the deal will be. Be on your best behavior so they don't have a reason to make things worse. Trust me."

They rounded the corner to Derek's family's restaurant, which Victor had technically been banned from going to, but Derek had made an exception for the sake of handling their meetings. He could see Derek's smug face staring at him through the window of the otherwise empty restaurant as they entered. He sat at the table farthest from the entrance with his lawyer beside him, an equally sleazy-looking middle-aged white man with a combover that barely covered his splotchy pink scalp.

"Welcome," Derek said, arms outstretched. His face had mostly healed from the incident, but it hadn't made him look like any less of a pompous asshole.

"Good afternoon," Teyana said politely, gesturing for Victor to sit down across from Derek as she sat beside him and across from Derek's lawyer. "Thanks for meeting us."

Victor said nothing, simply nodding. He was putting his life in Teyana's hands.

"We'd like to see the terms of your deal," Teyana said.

Derek's lawyer produced a sheet of paper, and Teyana read it before handing it to Victor to read, too.

"So you just want an apology, anger management, and community service? That's it?" Teyana asked suspiciously, stroking her chin. It seemed too good to be true.

Raising an eyebrow, Victor stared at Derek. He knew it could be worse. But he would also rather let himself get punched in the face until he was concussed than apologize to Derek.

"I mean, given the fact that I had my jaw wired shut for two months and had to eat through a straw, I'd say it's generous, don't you think?" Derek said, frowning dramatically. "It really hurt. And I know you can't afford to pay the damages."

"Do you want a verbal apology or one in writing?" Victor asked, gritting his teeth. He tried to ignore the dig Derek gave him, but Derek could tell he hit a nerve.

"Verbal, please," Derek replied, grinning as he watched Victor get redder and redder with rage. "What, you wanna hit me again?"

Teyana clamped her hand down on Victor's shoulder hard. "I'm gonna advise my client not to answer that question. Can we be excused for a moment?"

Derek gave Teyana a sly grin as she grabbed Victor by the arm and dragged him to another part of the restaurant.

"Look, I know you want to knock that rich white boy into next week as much as I do, but this isn't the way to do it. I'm sure you know the law doesn't like us. And you look like a baby deer, they would eat you alive in court. Plus, a jury is gonna see him and see a kid who can be their son. Unfortunately, you don't have that luxury," Teyana explained in a loud whisper. "So calm the fuck down and take the deal. Sometimes you just need to take what you can get and settle, you know? Trying to stick it to him is only gonna hurt you, not him. So... do you wanna take it, or do you wanna be another statistic?"

Massaging his temples, Victor thought about it. He had already missed several weeks of school because of this. And as soon as he finished this he could start living the life he was supposed to live. He was lucky he wasn't being taken to criminal court or to trial. And he needed an excuse to finally start anger management because he knew he would put it off if he had the choice.

"Fine," Victor spit, "I'll take the damn deal. The apology is definitely just to spite me, isn't it."

"Yeah, but don't fuck it up. I know you're paying me but it's about more than that now," Teyana replied, leading him back to the table where Derek sat waiting with a falsely cherubic smile on his face.

"So, what'll it be?" Derek asked innocently, taking up space as he stretched.

"Can we do the apology now?" Victor asked with a heavy sigh.

"No need to rush, take your time. I want you to mean it," Derek said, setting his phone down on the table, ready to press record. "Whenever you're ready."

"Oh, and just to help you think more clearly..." Derek's lawyer said, setting down another sheet of paper on the table. "Here are the terms if your apology is unsatisfactory for my client..."

"A hundred grand in damages... half of it for medical bills and the other half for pain and suffering, both emotional and physical?" Teyana said after she read the document. "What emotional suffering?"

"He knows what I mean," Derek replied, jutting his chin toward Victor. "You stole Benji from me."

"I didn't steal him, he dumped you. People aren't objects, Derek. You can't possess a human being," Victor replied, holding the bridge of his nose.

"Not for the right amount of money," Derek countered with a grin, his canines glinting.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's enough ," Teyana warned. "Let's get this apology over with so we can leave. I have places to be."

Victor went silent. He was seething.

"You can always work off the hundred grand under me in here," Derek said, motioning to his surroundings as he leaned back in his chair.

Oh hell no, Victor thought, taking deep breaths. At this point, anger management would be a blessing.

"Okay, I'm ready," Victor said quietly. He had to get it over with before he lost his nerve. "I'll say it."

Derek looked surprised, glancing to his lawyer, who mirrored his expression. "Go ahead, then."

"I, Victor Salazar, hereby apologize for punching Derek in the face. While I wish I could go back in time and not do it, the damage has been done, and I accept the consequences of my actions," Victor said, sighing in defeat. Man I hate your fucking guts and wish you would drop dead. Also please God if you're actually real, please make it happen. Amen. Please don't send me to hell by the way, I'm trying my best to not be terrible.

"That's all I wanted to hear," Derek said, his voice dripping with false sweetness as he pressed "stop recording" and pocketed his phone. "Well, we're done here."

As Derek stood to leave, he tripped over his own feet, landing backward on the ground, a sickening crunch cutting through the air as blood started pooling from his head.

Holding his hands up in front of him, Victor could only stare, his face going pale. This time, it wasn't his fault.