Victor stared out the window, humming along to the soft music of Dolly Parton floating into his eardrums from one of the earbuds he had borrowed from Benji. He watched the greenery of the English countryside roll by, the hills and forests and fields slipping away and replacing each other over time in his mind's eye; it filled Victor with a sense of calm, his mind quieting, breathing decelerating, his heart's beat falling victim to the homeostatic regulating mechanisms that ensured his body staved off any unneeded sense of doom. For the first time in a while, he was content.

After a few more moments of gazing into the mesmerizing abyss of green and brown, Victor glanced down to his lap, where Benji had laid his head as he stared up at the screen of the Nintendo Switch in his hands, using their jackets as a cushion. Benji's eyes shifted from the screen to Victor's face, and his lip curled up subconsciously; he pointed to his mouth with a mischievous glint in his irises, and Victor rolled his own eyes as he leaned down to close the space between them.

"How's your game going?" Victor asked, running his fingers through Benji's hair as he gently moved it out from beneath his cranium and instead splayed it around his head like a little halo.

"Mm... not bad, I guess. I've been trying to catch snowflakes for the past hour, though, and so far it's not looking too hot," Benji replied, as he moved his leg out of the aisle so as to not block anyone's path.

"That sounds annoying. For a game that's supposed to be peaceful and wholesome it can definitely get on your nerves."

"Yeah... but I still can't wait til we get to Edinburgh so I can finally visit your island. You're being so shady keeping it a secret."

"It's not my fault the wifi on the train is... kinda shitty. But also I... have some final adjustments to make before I have any guests over. And don't forget I haven't been to yours, either, only from afar. Right now I just wanna chill and take a break from looking at a screen."

"Okay, that's fair," Benji said with a grin as he played with the edge of the scarf Victor had made for him, which he couldn't help but wear proudly. "But we'll be there soon, and we can just hang out and play after we go explore the city a bit."

"Cool. Do you have anywhere in particular you wanna go?"

"We'll see what's nearby but maybe we can go down to the beach for a bit."

"It's the middle of winter, we'll freeze our asses off."

"Sometimes it's worth it."

With a sigh and a smile, Victor rested his hand on Benji's cheek as he simply watched him for a moment. Benji was right; sometimes it was worth it to risk freezing to go to the beach, just for the sake of the experience.

Over the loudspeaker, the announcement that the next stop was York blared through the mostly-empty carriage. That meant they still had about half of the journey ahead of them.

"Can we switch seats?" Benji asked, shutting off his Switch and putting it away before he slowly sat up.

"Sure. Tired of lying on my lap? You're cozy, like my own little portable furnace."

Scoffing and feigning offense, Benji frowned before he said: "I can't believe you would objectify me like that. And you're only 2 inches taller than me, I'm not that little."

"I said what I said," Victor said with a grin, poking Benji in the side.

Benji chuckled, rolling his eyes and tipping his head to the side. "I wanna look out the window, actually. And that way you can lie in my lap," he teased as he slid out of his seat.

"I think I might be too tall for that and my legs are too long," Victor replied with a comically deep frown, as Benji slipped into the window seat and immediately took to staring out at the passing paysage.

Suddenly, Benji pointed out the window. "Look, Vic! Cows! And... sheep? Oh, there's a dog, too... that's so fucking cute," he said, whispering the last part more to himself than to Victor.

"I heard 'dog'," Victor said, immediately perking up, pulling his phone out of his pocket and opening the camera application before pressing his cheek against Benji's as he followed his boyfriend's gaze. "Oh my god, where? I can't see anything."

"It's right there... you see that little black fluffy thing chasing the sheep?"

"Uh... wait, holy crap, you're right," Victor said, snapping a few pictures with a smile. "Now lemme get one of you with the scenery in the background."

"Hell yeah," Benji replied, holding both hands up next to his face and flashing two peace signs as Victor giggled.

"So now I have an excuse to change my phone wallpaper," Victor said in a sing-song voice, before he pocketed his phone and gently tipped Benji's chin up, taking his boyfriend's lips in his own.

Benji hummed into Victor's mouth as he clutched at the front of his sweater, pulling him as close as he could, forgetting that they were technically in public. But that happened a lot lately; they'd come a long way from when they were younger and thought they had to hide themselves behind a partition, to exist only where the light didn't touch. And when they pulled away, breathing heavily, still entwined with one another and mirrored in each other's irises, they couldn't stop themselves from reflecting on how lucky they were to have found solace against each other's lips and in each other's arms again.

Victor chuckled, fixing a bit of Benji's hair and patting it down. Benji shifted beside him so that he could lean on Victor's chest, and Victor watched as the dispersed light from the cloud cover radiated coolly behind him.

That was something he loved about this part of the world, Victor realized; that it didn't over exaggerate or pretend to be something grander than it was. There was a history of grandeur, yes, but all he could see was the humanity, the humility, the knowledge that reality is exactly as it seems, not the fantasy of what will never be. He smiled as he nuzzled his face against Benji's cheek, arm resting on Benji's hip, his smile widening as Benji pressed back against him, willing and honest.

They stayed like that for a while, chatting about nothing and everything and enjoying each other's company, the heat of their bodies pressed against each other acting as a shield from the ills of the world and the falling temperature outside. No one could touch them; it was as if their little bubble of self-love, made even more powerful with their love for each other, insulated them, providing them with tranquility and strength.

Soon the train made it to its last stop and they grabbed their things before disembarking into the cold late afternoon that could easily be mistaken for the middle of the night. They took the bus to their Airbnb, which was a bit away from the city center and more on the coast, which gave Benji even more of an onus to drag Victor along to the beach with him, even if it would be for a short period as the tips of their fingers froze off and fell into the sand.

"So... this is it," Benji said, as he opened the heavy wooden door to the flat in a building made of dark beige bricks, turned on the lights, and took off his shoes before he stepped aside for Victor to follow him inside.

"Wow..." Victor breathed, as he shut the door behind him gently and kicked off his shoes, looking around what would be their home for the next few days. "B, this is so nice."

"I know, right? But you're only seeing the hallway, Vic..." Benji said with a chuckle, as he dropped his bag on the floor in the main room.

Victor padded across the light colored hardwood floor, taking it all in. Through the small, narrow corridor, he came to their sparsely decorated and modern studio flat, equipped with a giant bed in the corner, a sand colored wardrobe pressed up against the light green wall a few feet from the bed, and a shaggy black carpet in the middle of the room. There was also a little open-plan kitchen with a small wooden table and two chairs against the wall, along with a fireplace sitting between the wardrobe and the kitchen. Just before the entrance to the room sat the bathroom, which housed a massive bathtub that Benji was looking forward to using at some point later on. At the end of the room, past the foot of the bed, a glass sliding door opened to the balcony overlooking the Water of Leith, which was the river that flowed through Edinburgh and emptied into the North Sea, and which at this hour, was entirely black.

Humming, Benji peeled his jacket off and draped it over one of the chairs before plopping face-first onto the bed and then rolling over to wrap himself in the blanket as if he were a holly blue encased in its cocoon. Victor smiled as he dropped his bag beside Benji's and allowed himself to fall onto the bed before he wrapped his arms around Benji's blanketed form and buried his face in the crook of the other's neck.

"Can you share some of the covers with me, mi vida?" Victor asked, grinning against Benji's skin.

"Hmm... I don't know, can I?" Benji said, turning in Victor's embrace. "I think you'll have to unwrap me," he said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, before pausing and saying: "But like. Seriously. I don't know how I did this."

"God, you're such a dork," Victor said as he unfurled the blanket from around Benji and they both erupted into a fit of giggles.

"Thank you," Benji said, wiping the corner of his eye with his sleeve. "You should take your jacket off so we can cuddle," he added, stretching his arms out and opening and closing his fists like a little crab.

"Okay, okay. Gimme a second," Victor said, as he shed his outer layer and tossed it aside before diving under the covers and into Benji's arms. "But not for too long because knowing us, we'll fall asleep and we're supposed to be here to sightsee."

"I'll set an alarm," Benji said, as he rested his head on Victor's chest and draped an arm over his middle.

"Anything but that, babe. Or at least, pick one that isn't that god awful default sound because it kinda bothers my PTSD a little bit."

"O-oh, my bad. I didn't know that," Benji said with a frown as he picked up his phone for a moment, tapped around on it briefly, then tossed it behind him. "No alarms, then. But also uh... if you wanna talk about it, go ahead. You know I'm happy to listen."

Benji lifted his head for a moment as he set his elbow down and shifted his weight over to it, resting his head on his palm so he could take in the view of Victor's face. He sighed as he glanced down at Victor, cupping his cheek and stroking his warm skin with his thumb. That was something Victor hadn't spoken about much, a secret compacted neatly into a locked box, then into another and another and buried deep within the earth in the remotest taiga, where the ground froze it inside for safekeeping. Perhaps, since they had found themselves so far up North, they could find it.

"You're right... I should talk about it and like... the after effects of... you-know-who, and everything," Victor said, staring up at Benji with his deep brown eyes that reminded Benji of the clay he would sculpt into pottery before it went into the kiln. "But let me preface this by saying I'm doing a lot better than I was. Like, I'm mostly better at this point. It's just that, I guess... some things still bother me."

Nodding, Benji brushed Victor's hair away from his forehead and pressed his lips against it gently, a silent invitation for him to continue. Victor relaxed into his touch, dragging his hand lazily against Benji's back.

"I was trying to suppress it for a while, honestly. Even the one time I mentioned it to you, I... was kinda glad we got off the subject quickly. Although thinking back on it, it might have been good to talk about it more."

"To be honest, I think that was partially my own fault. I did kinda divert away from the subject and talk about myself, which wasn't cool."

"It's not your fault. I know you were just trying to relate to me. Luckily, I don't see all the blood anymore, and I guess the fact that... he survived that fall was able to put my mind at ease a bit. But sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he had actually died in front of me. Like, would I feel guilty about that? Would I feel responsible for it for the rest of my life?" Victor said, wiping his hand down his face with a soft exhale.

"Shit... I can't tell you not to let your mind go there but I would probably ask myself the same questions," Benji said, before nodding and urging Victor to continue.

"Honestly... It's true that I shouldn't think about these things but I did, for a while. I guess most people don't have to witness that sort of thing so it's hard to actually relate to, so I just kept it between me and my therapist. But... it can be pretty isolating to not be able to talk about it with the people you love. I think it fucked me up more than being in an actual accident, because I wasn't responsible for someone else's life, just my own in that case."

Benji bit his lip, processing Victor's words for a moment before he spoke. "Damn... that actually is pretty heavy, and it's a lot to have to shoulder by yourself, even if you're in therapy at the same time."

"Yeah... Sometimes my progress feels slow and it can be sorta frustrating. But like I said, I'm doing a lot better. I... don't feel the guilt or the self-loathing from that whole ordeal. And I don't get triggered that frequently. But I still think about the death thing. I don't know if it's because we're getting older or if it's because we've seen some shit. And I know it's just a question we've all had since like... the beginning of humanity... Like, what happens to us after? It pops into my mind from time to time."

"I get that. And I'm glad you feel better about yourself and know it wasn't your fault. I don't want to like... change the subject to be about me again, but this conversation is making me remember how different my mind was when I was suicidal. Like, that was the one thing that kept me from going through with anything, was the uncertainty."

Victor cradled Benji closer to his side, as if not doing so would cause Benji to float away and disappear. "I've always been taught that once you die, you go to either Heaven, Hell or Purgatory, depending on whether you were good or evil in this life, but at this point, I don't know how much of that I believe anymore."

"At this point, I don't believe that, either. Plus, it's hard to trust a book written by human beings, in the end, I think. None of us actually have all the answers, but that doesn't mean we can't try to figure it out. But I also definitely feel like there's... something."

"I feel like there are things I just know, though. Like... I was having a horrible time and I kept trying to pray, but eventually, I realized no one was listening. So I just gave up."

"You sound a bit like a realist... or a nihilist, even," Benji mused, looking off to the side, a fleeting movement, before he looked back into Victor's eyes. "You used to be so much more religious than me."

"Right? It's interesting how much of a difference time can make. Like, lying in bed alone really gave me a chance to get to know myself and what I actually believe in. And I know it might sound sorta dark, but that's just where I got to," Victor said with a chuckle.

"To be fair, we're constantly confronted by this stuff as we get older. But for me, for instance... I like the idea of reincarnation. That once we die, we come back as someone else, and the cycle just keeps on going... It makes me wonder if, in another life, you and I loved each other, and if we're just destined to keep coming back together for all eternity. There's something comforting about that."

Sighing, Victor stared at the ceiling. "That does sound nice, and I wish I could believe that, but... something deep in my gut tells me that afterward, there's just... nothing. We just go back to the state we were in before we were born. Just... no consciousness, ceasing to exist, as if we were never here. It's terrifying. And lonely."

"You could definitely argue that it would be peaceful, to no longer be exposed to the horrors of the world, but... I can see how that would be scary. To know how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. People who have a strong faith are really lucky in that respect, so that they don't have to worry about these sorts of things, they just have the answer and it's satisfying enough for them. It's honestly kinda unfair."

"Right... I'm a bit jealous. But then, I wouldn't have to think about these sorts of things because in the end, we can't control it. It's completely out of our hands and it's just... something I guess we need to make peace with. But it's... hard."

"But I guess that's the fun in it, isn't it? That we're still here to question and speculate about our own existence. Even if we don't know the why or the what's after part of the story, it doesn't make it all meaningless. I know you said a while back that we should stop trying to assign a purpose to the universe but... I still stand by my belief that everything has a purpose, even if we don't see it right away."

"I really wish I could agree but... I'm happy with the idea that we make our own purpose for our own sake. Although it would probably be more comforting if I knew that when I die I don't cease to exist but I guess that's the next best option."

"That's definitely something to think about," Benji said, pursing his lips for a moment before he leaned down to kiss Victor, sighing into the other's mouth as Victor pulled him into his arms and drew him to his chest so that Benji could rest atop him, their legs coiling under the covers like the spirals of two galaxies, simultaneously anchoring each other to the earth. When they pulled away, Benji smiled and said: "Not to cut our conversation short or anything but... I'm kinda getting hungry."

"Now that you mention it... me, too. Thinking about life and death really worked up my appetite," Victor replied, returning Benji's grin as he patted his back gently.

"Ugh, that means we have to get up..."

"Yep, sounds like it," Victor said, rolling them over to the other side of the bed until he was on the edge. He groaned as he removed himself from Benji's embrace and slid down onto the floor before he held out his hands to Benji to help him up. "Sometimes you just gotta not think about it and do it. Wait that came out wrong--You know what I mean."

"That's good advice for... later," Benji said, wiggling his eyebrows as he took Victor's outstretched limbs in his own and rose to his feet.

They dressed themselves again and wandered out of the flat into the winter air once more, arms entwined as they walked along the river.

"Y'know, if we follow this river all the way East, we'll get to the sea," Benji said after a moment of comfortable silence draped itself between them like a fur coat, a welcome reprieve from the cold.

"How far is it?" Victor asked, glancing down to the inky surface beside them, his form reflecting back at him, a shadowy companion to them on their nighttime stroll.

"According to Google Maps... Like twenty minutes."

"That's not bad... and it's not so cold, so we could go if you want. Especially after sitting on the train all day..."

Benji tightened his grip around Victor's arm before he leaned up to kiss him on the cheek. "You're the best, Vic."

"No, you are," Victor replied with a chuckle.

"We can both be the best, then."

"I can live with that," Victor said with a smile, ruffling Benji's hair. "Lead the way, captain."

They trekked along, taking the city in block by block. The area in which they were staying was quiet, the cobblestone streets mostly empty despite the early hour. Although, perhaps, Victor mused, most people were staying home due to the weather, because honestly, who else in their right minds would be out looking to go to the beach in temperatures approaching freezing, with snowfall expected in the coming days?

But it was no matter to Victor; as they passed by the colorful brick buildings, all he could think about was spending time with his favorite person. They would make the most of their trip there, even if it meant they would have to spend a few more hours missing the pleasant warmth of the world inside.

Soon they arrived at a little chip shop, because there weren't many other places where they could get a cheap and filling meal as a student. The air within smelled loudly of fried food that gripped them by the stomachs painfully until they had their meals in their hands.

Once they finished, they continued their journey along the river until it began to widen as it joined the harbor in Leith. The port stretched out before and around them like a rainbow embrace as the streaks of colored lights cut through the water.

Even the warm brick facades of varied shades stood illuminated in the night, reminiscent of an image from one of the fairytales their parents read to them when they were growing up. The pointed church spires rising in the background and the fortified stone towers dating back hundreds of years, which lined the walkway, brought them further into that ambiance.

"Okay, which way now?" Victor asked, pulling himself back to reality after spending a full minute gaping at the view before them.

"I know it's driving you nuts not being the navigator but I appreciate your patience," Benji said, pressing himself closer to Victor's side as if he hoped to paste himself to him as he shivered a bit and sniffled, before burying his face in Victor's shoulder. "It's just a bit farther down this way," he said, leading them down the path where the sky brightened as if illuminated by the celestial Aurora Borealis, even though they were too far south to see it.

Victor glanced at Benji from the corner of his eye, tipping his head to the side as he watched the lights dance across Benji's face and sclerae. He squinted, blinking a few times before he glanced around, then back to Benji, noticing that nothing had changed. Stopping in his tracks, Victor smiled. "Hold up."

"Is everything all right?" Benji asked, almost experiencing a heavy dose of whiplash.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just... Look at me," Victor said gently, turning to face Benji and resting his palm against his boyfriend's cheek.

Benji did as he'd asked, raising his gaze to Victor's curiously. "I'm looking. And your hand is... really warm," he said, relaxed and pliable at Victor's touch.

"It was in my pocket..." Victor said with a grin. "I was just thinking... about how pretty you are, especially with all this," he motioned to the scenery with a soft chuckle.

Biting his lip as he smiled, Benji rested his icy hand over Victor's and laced their fingers together. "Pretty enough to kiss, I hope?" he asked, the light fluttering in his chest a welcome sensation.

"Always," Victor said, pressing his mouth against Benji's as the other wrapped his arms around his back, their eyelashes tickling each other's cheeks.

"And for the record, you're pretty, too, Vic... pretty distracting," Benji teased when they pulled away.

Victor breathe-laughed through his nose. "You're right, we'll never make it to the beach if I don't do something about that," he said, wrapping his scarf around his face as Benji chuckled. "But to be fair, you're... distracting-er," he added, voice muffled by the fabric.

"That was so romantic. Shakespearean, even," Benji said sarcastically, rolling his eyes and pulling Victor along by the arm as they giggled, continuing their barrages of light-hearted teasing until they arrived at their destination for the evening.

"Remind me again why you needed us to come here as soon as possible?" Victor asked as they walked across the sand that crunched under their feet like the shards of glass they would eventually become.

"Because... I missed it. And it's different from the 'beach' on the Thames. Also, I spent a lot of time thinking on the beach, when I was alone... thinking about you, specifically. So... I wanted to see if it was any different this time around," Benji said, approaching the waves as they lapped at the shore.

"Do you feel a difference?" Victor asked quietly, as if speaking any louder would bring them back to the time they had been desperately wanting to move beyond, to accelerate forward while simultaneously being able to savor every moment together, to freeze them in time so they could be united as such for eternity; but they knew that was a pipe dream, a naive wish reserved for children. But they were grown, and so for them, time charged on into infinity.

"I do," Benji said as he gazed off into the distance. "And I thought we might be able to see Norway from here, but it's... too far and what we would be able to see would be another part of Scotland. Which is still pretty cool."

"Huh... interesting..." Victor said, staring at Benji's oblivious profile. There was something about listening to Benji, to seeing more of what was on his mind, that drew Victor closer to him with each uttered word that painted the air for a moment before dissipating and joining the mist that interspersed itself everywhere they went in this part of the world, inescapable but fulfilling the opposite of what its purpose seemed to be; the earth, the sea, the sky--it all became clear through the fog. Victor could see the beauty of reality in that instant.

Benji crouched down in the sand at the water's edge, rummaging through the sand and picking out the little cone-shaped, swirled shells which were formerly the residence of the snails that inhabited the sea, along with the halves of bivalves with their gently ridged outer surfaces, most of which lay broken, but some that Benji found intact; but even the broken ones were pretty when he shined the light from his phone on them in the dark.

Victor took a spot beside Benji, watching him quietly with his arms draped over his knees and dangling a few inches from the ground. He tipped his head to the side to get a better look at Benji's face, enamored all over again at the way his eyebrows scrunched together in concentration.

Even though Victor wanted to close the gap between them and kiss Benji over and over and over again until their lips bruised and they struggled to breath, he also didn't want to break Benji's focus. And so he watched himt, gaze raking over him, caressing him with his eyes, before he raised his visage to the heavens.

He wasn't expecting to see anything revelatory but Victor couldn't stop himself from gasping as he saw a few stars poking through the atmosphere. It didn't seem like a lot but compared to what he saw in central London, it was already a marked improvement. Immediately, the easy-to-identify ones caught his attention--Cassiopeia, Orion, Ursa Major and Minor, of course. But he frowned, turning around in his hunched over position as he scanned the sky that seemed to clear, as if the clouds had parted especially for him.

Gazing back at the city, Victor squinted at the brightness bombarding his corneas. He found himself so engrossed in his search that he hadn't noticed the sounds of tiny shells jingling had ceased.

"You can't see Ophiuchus or Serpens at this time of year," Benji said gently, breaking the silence that had fallen over them, a smile audible in his voice.

"How did you...?"

"I kinda had an inkling, 'cause I could feel you staring at me, and I don't know if you noticed this but you have this tendency to make this face whenever you try to remember something I told you. It's like this," Benji said, narrowing his eyes a bit, closing one of them slightly more than the other, lips curling up faintly. "See?"

"Oh, uh... I didn't even realize that..." Victor said, snorting and burying his face in his hand. "You know me too well, Benjamin."

"Honestly, at first, I thought you were trying to do mental math and struggling so I got a little concerned. But then you would bring up something I'd said before and I finally understood. You're a great listener, you know."

"Please raise the bar a little, B. That's like, the bare minimum requirement to be a decent human being."

"Fair... Anyway, can you hold your hand out, please?"

"Okay, since you asked so nicely..." Victor said, complying with Benji's request.

"You're also really helpful," Benji said, as he dropped some of the shells he'd gathered from the beach into Victor's palm.

"I didn't even do anything."

"Yeah, you did. I can't carry all those on my own," Benji said with a wink.

Rolling his eyes and smiling, Victor eased himself up slowly to stand, stretching his long limbs and walking off some of the tightness he'd developed in his knees.

"Ready to go, babe?" he asked, offering his hand to Benji after he'd admired his shells for a few minutes, before he pocketed them gently, careful not to break their thin, fragile surfaces.

"Mhm," Benji said, accepting Victor's outstretched hand and pulling himself up. "I'm cold."

"No, really? Ya don't say?" Victor said sarcastically, chuckling as he engulfed Benji's sand-covered hand in both of his own, kissing it tenderly so he wouldn't break Benji again, either.

"Shut up..." Benji said, grinning as he wrapped his scarf tighter around himself, then pulled Victor along with him across the beach and back where they came from.

It was almost eleven at night when they arrived at the flat. As soon as Benji opened the door, he sighed at the warmth that claimed him and seeped through his skin as he peeled off his layers. He ran over to the fireplace, where he threw some logs in and set the kindling alight before he all but collapsed in front of it to take in the radiation from the fire. Victor sat down beside him on the thick carpet, draping himself over Benji and pulling him closer so he could burrow into his side.

They both shivered against one another in their shared embrace, but soon the flames in front of them grew, and Victor could see the way they quivered in Benji's eyes as his boyfriend stared, transfixed, until Victor looked away for a moment, returning his protective gaze to Benji to see he'd fallen asleep with his head on Victor's shoulder.

Exhaling slowly, Victor couldn't help but smile at the sight of Benji completely relaxed and at peace, the stress from his brow entirely erased as he breathed metronomically, their bodies slotted together, two stars sharing the same galaxy, their gravitational fields pulling them toward one another. It would be a crime to wake Benji to remind him to put on his pajamas and wash up for bed.

And so, as quietly as he could so as to not rouse Benji, Victor slipped his arms under Benji's knees and upper back, slowly rising from the floor and making the trek of a few steps that felt like a journey across the desert on a particularly scorching day. He placed Benji down in the center of the bed, watching him for a moment after he wrapped the sheets around his sleeping form.

Although he would never tire of the sight, Victor turned away, rummaging through his coat pocket, careful not to create any noise, and pulled out the shells. He arranged them, wrapped them in a soft piece of tissue, and placed his little treasure among his clothes so nothing would be damaged. Finally, Victor put out the fire, got ready for bed, and shut off the lights, before crawling into bed, pressing himself against Benji's back, and closing his eyes with softly upturned lips.