The last few months had been a sword fight on a tightrope over a pit of flames for Benji. He'd continued with his visits to Dr. Singh, getting used to his new medication and finally feeling calmer. But he had also managed to get far into the process of weaning himself off valium, and with 2 mg left to go, he could see the marked improvement this was making in his life. The nights he spent cutting pills and weighing them (while trying to resist the urge to cut himself) to ensure he was getting the appropriate dosage to stave off symptoms of withdrawal were starting to show their worth. Even though his sleeping and eating weren't back to where they used to be, he was happy that he could eat and had more energy again.

Benji was even going to the gym regularly again and running now, which he never expected to enjoy, but he found that it helped keep him centered. The views in the city and the greenery relaxed him, especially when he ran through Hyde Park or alongside the Thames with Battersea Park visible on the opposite bank. He liked listening to audiobooks as he ran, because if he couldn't sit and read he would at least want to fall into the world of a story while staying active. While he wasn't able to get back to how he looked before, his frame still thin, he was happy that he wasn't looking sullen, as if he were a reanimated corpse, and his clothes didn't hang on him like before. The constant thoughts of Victor seemed to fade away with time, only presenting themselves occasionally now that he had more to do. Despite spending more time by himself, even getting back into painting subjects other than Victor en plein air, he felt less isolated and lonely than he did before.

He was even down to smoking a couple times a day rather than several, but he knew that when he was back home, he wouldn't be able to hide his habit as easily. Quitting completely would be difficult, especially with the adjustment period he would have to go through to reacclimate to life in the US, but he didn't want his family to know. He would tell them about everything else, minus the self-harm, though; he knew they would ask questions about the dark circles that were still slowly fading. He could lie and say he was just tired, but keeping up the facade required more energy than he had. The urge to hurt himself and that feeling of waiting still came and went, and the only way to appease it was to draw on himself. Whatever worked.

By now, it was the end of May, which meant final exams had finished and the semester was officially over. That also meant Benji and his friends had to vacate their flat. Soledad had already volunteered herself to live with Benji in the coming year, and Benji couldn't complain; she was always a welcome presence. He was excited to host her in a few weeks' time when she came to visit, too.

While things had gotten a bit awkward between Benji and Ish, they did eventually fall into a better, less sexually-charged rhythm once they realized they were more suited to friendship. Benji was no longer interested in Ish, or really anyone for that matter, since his medication had lowered his sex drive significantly. He wasn't mad about that, though; he had other priorities, and sex was at the bottom of that list. It didn't help that the only person he would ever even want to have sex with was giving him much-needed space.

I gotta walk on the... right side , Benji thought as he followed the current out of the airport, his luggage rolling behind him.

Yawning and covering his face with the back of his hand, Benji then rubbed the sleep from his eyes. After taking the appropriate dose of medication on the plane, he woke up a bit drowsy but he would have to power through it, even if it was midnight back in London. At least he'd slept a bit and hadn't forgotten to take his passport with him when he was done being grilled by Border Control. It was stressful even though he hadn't done anything wrong.

When he walked outside, Benji shielded his face with his arm before he put on his sunglasses as the sun shone with at least another two hours of light before it would inevitably set. He took out his phone to text his mom to let her know he'd arrived.

"Benji! My baby!"

Whipping around, Benji searched for the voice calling his name from afar until his gaze landed on a petite blonde woman who was barraging toward him, her hands flapping about and making her look like a fledgling taking its first flight.

"Hey, mom!" Benji said, dropping his luggage as he prepared for the impact of his mother leaping into his arms and wrapping her arms around his neck.

She peppered Benji's face with kisses, leaving behind red splotches, which he wiped away with a laugh. He held her tight, hands stretched across her small back as she hung onto him, her legs dangling. For a moment, they stayed like that. Benji's eyes fluttered closed as he took in the scent of his mother's perfume, the lavender and vanilla sedating him.

"I've missed you so much. The fact that you barely even texted me had me worried sick," she sighed, her tears wetting the shoulder of his jacket. Releasing herself from his neck, she dropped down to the pavement with a thump and stepped back to have a look at him. "There's something different about you... You're wearing so many layers, aren't you hot ? Or did you forget what Georgia's weather is like while you were over in London? And take those sunglasses off, it's almost dark, you're gonna strain your eyes."

"It's cold in London, that's why," Benji lied, chuckling as he scratched the back of his head before he picked his bags up again and they walked toward where his mother, Alice, had left her car. "But I missed you, too. I was... kinda going through some things. I'll tell you more in the car. And I didn't want you to freak out, but I have ridiculous eye bags. You know, school stress and all that."

Alice pursed her lips as Benji loaded his bags into the car, studying him as he shut the trunk and hopped into the passenger seat.

"Don't you think it's a bit unusual that you asked me to pick you up? Where's Victor? Or did you just wanna spend time with little ol' me?" Alice asked as she put the car into "drive" and raced out of the terminal, glancing at him from the corner of her eye.

He felt her eyes on him and sighed, looking first at his hands as he picked at his cuticles, then out the window at the trees rolling by, frowning. "I mean, I did want to talk to you. But also... Victor dumped me."

"What?!"

The brakes screeched as the car slid to a halt a few inches from the rear of the car before it, and Benji's eyes widened. Alice stared at him, nostrils flared, her face red. He couldn't say he missed this part of being home.

"Yeah... He dumped me on Halloween, actually."

Clutching the steering wheel as if she wanted to rip it off and chuck it at the driver in front of her, her canines glinting like a tigress before she tears into the flesh of a deer. They had gotten onto the highway where the road was more open, which gave her the space to accelerate further.

"I can't believe he did that to you!" Alice all but shouted, and Benji flinched. "You're way out of his league, you should have been the one dumping him !"

"Mom... please relax. You're driving kinda fast," Benji said gently. "Plus, I'm... okay. He and I were both having a bit of a rough time, and long-distance is always hard to deal with, for everyone . And you remember how he was dealing with a lawsuit and how that messed things up for him at school. It's okay. I'm getting over things."

She didn't look convinced, but she let her grip on the wheel loosen a bit, swallowing. Eyeing him sadly, she said: "I wish you had told me so I could have been there for you. There's gotta be more you're not telling me."

"Hold on, I'm getting to it. But please... don't freak out."

"You're making me worried with how much you're hesitating. You know I love you no matter what, right?"

"This is why I didn't talk to you over these past few months, Mom. You freak out over things really easily. I can't have a normal conversation with you. Like I understand you're my mom and you're concerned for my well-being and all that. But this behavior was part of the reason why it took me literally having a near death experience to come out to you and the rest of the family," Benji explained, rubbing his temples.

Opening her mouth and then closing it, Alice hummed in response.

"Look, I'm not tryna hurt your feelings or anything but I don't feel super comfortable talking about this sorta thing when you fly off the handle so easily and we're in a moving vehicle," Benji added. Luckily, they were close to home so it was only a matter of minutes before he would be safely on the ground.

"Okay, okay. You're right. I know I can be... difficult. But it's only because I care. Although it looks like I need to try harder to be a bit more... approachable, I guess. You never used to complain about this sort of thing before but I can be a cool mom!"

Shaking his head, Benji rolled his eyes. "Please don't be a cool mom, that would be terrifying. Like, more terrifying than you almost killing us a few minutes ago."

With a small laugh, Alice pulled into the driveway beside the black sedan Benji's father drove to work. He gulped as he jumped out of the car to collect his things.

"Looks like your dad's still home. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you," Alice said with a small smile as she set a hand on Benji's shoulder.

"Mmm... Not sure if he will," Benji replied dryly.

"What do you mean?"

"I've accepted that he and I will never have the relationship I want or deserve," Benji shrugged. "So I'd rather cultivate the relationships that are actually working. It's not my job to make Dad care about me."

Alice furrowed her brows. "Where is this coming from, Benji?"

"That's the thing I wanted to tell you... I've been seeing a therapist in London. And we discussed my issues with Dad. In great detail. Why should I have to keep trying all these years when nothing comes of it? And why am I supposed to be the only one taking initiative? He's the adult; he should act like it. You know I haven't heard him tell me he loves me in like... four years?" Benji said, feeling a tear trail down his face as he clutched at his bag harder than he expected to.

"So you wanna cut him off?" Alice asked, her voice cracking. She wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

"We could always try like, family counseling or something. I just don't wanna feel like he doesn't want me around. Because that's the vibe I get when he avoids me. He might not even mean it but it probably just became a habit. Like, ideally I would like to have a good relationship with him. But I'm at the point where cutting him off wouldn't hurt that badly. It's better than getting anxiety whenever I hear him walking around," Benji explained, wiping his face in his sleeve.

"Then I'll talk to him," Alice said, opening the door to the house and letting Benji in, following close behind him. "I just wish you'd told me sooner."

Benji shrugged again. "I wish you'd noticed."

Clenching her jaw, Alice could only watch Benji's back as he retreated to his room.

When Benji was inside, closing the door behind him, he wasn't sure if it was a mixture of exhaustion and jet lag and anxiety all catching up with him at once as he pressed his back against the door, sliding down to the floor as sobs wracked his body. He covered his mouth with his hand; he didn't want his siblings to hear.

Scrambling to remove his phone from his pocket, Benji blinked a few times to reduce the distortion caused by his tears sitting in his eyes like leeches. He contemplated if he wanted to finally get in touch with Victor after all these months now that he was finally back home in Atlanta and they could talk to each other properly at last. It would get him out of the house and away from his family's drama.

Heaving a sigh, Benji pocketed his phone again. Not today.

---------------------------

Victor sat outside on a bench, letting the sun cast itself upon his face with its golden warmth, his brown skin glowing. He'd never felt more relaxed. Since he had finally been freed from his legal obligations, he'd had more time for himself. With school and therapy as his only obligations from February, he had more time to just... do nothing. And he didn't feel bad about it. He didn't even need Adderall or weed anymore, taking another tolerance break that he hoped could be for good. Even though he technically had a medical need for weed, he felt silly using it. The nightmares had stopped, and he was more or less sleeping peacefully. It seemed like a waste. He wanted to give his lungs a break so he could breathe.

Now that it was summer, Victor could go back to doing mindless work at Brasstown or perhaps even look for some internships and decide what he wanted to do with himself in the future. He still hadn't had the chance to think about that properly. But there was something about pre-law that hadn't been what he had imagined. It was interesting, but the prospect of putting himself through school again, and the costs associated with it, well... he didn't want to think that far ahead. He didn't think he had it in him, even if he had managed to scrape together a 4.0 that semester and he still had no idea how he had done it.. After all, while he was academically inclined, he still found a lot of things about school to be bothersome.

His pocket vibrated, distracting him from his slowly spiraling thoughts, and he took his time withdrawing his phone, raising an eyebrow when he saw the notification. Mia.

"You know Benji's back stateside, right? Are you guys gonna talk?"

Hands going limp and almost dropping his phone in his lap, Victor smacked himself in the forehead, his jaw tensing. The inevitable conversation.

"I'm giving him space. He can reach out when he's ready." Victor wrote back. He didn't know why people kept trying to meddle in his business; he added: " I know you two talk but can we please just keep it between me and him?"

A moment later, his phone vibrated again.

"I just wasn't sure if you knew. Plus, I still haven't fully forgiven you for that yet."

Rolling his eyes, Victor stood from the bench. "No offense, but you don't have to forgive me. It's not really any of your concern."

He'd barely had the chance to message her back when the ellipses popped up on his screen.

"I care because you're both my friends and Benji used to be driving me up the wall complaining about you and now he... hasn't so much and I'm not sure if that's because he's over you or because he's gone to therapy or maybe he's isolating or something. So yeah, it is my business. Don't be like that."

Stopping in his tracks, Victor's eyes widened. He hadn't actually expected Benji to take him seriously.

"He really wasn't doing well after you dumped him. I know he messaged you at the end of the year but... you definitely don't know most of it. Hell, he kinda dropped off the face of the earth after a while. I wasn't sure if he was even gonna come back; he said being back here would just remind him of you."

Victor swallowed the lump in his throat. " Sorry for being so harsh earlier. I know he and I have to talk, and I know that this isn't just affecting me and him, but basically everyone around us. Thank you for updating me."

"No problem" came her instantaneous reply.

Sliding his hands into the pockets of his shorts, Victor trekked through the park, letting his legs take him where they wanted to go. The sun was setting and he smiled as he heard the cicadas begin their evening song, their cheers propelling him forward. He didn't know exactly where he was going, but as soon as he saw the familiar sight of Benji's house from down the road, Victor paused in his tracks.

Am I doing this because I want to, or because I think this is what Benji wants ? Victor asked himself, standing in the middle of the empty road like a lighthouse rising above the shore and guiding boats back to land, the wind rolling over him and sending the humid air toward him.

Despite all the therapy, and the voice in the back of his mind telling him to stop being creepy, Victor couldn't help himself. He wanted to see Benji so badly. It had been almost a year since he'd touched him.

Bro... what the fuck is wrong with you? He asked himself again, the voice in his mind scolding him. This ain't it, chief.

He paused again. What was he doing?

This is the type of shit that got you into this mess in the first place , he reminded himself. He'd made it a few houses down from Benji's house when he properly examined himself.

From a bit away, the creak of a door opening made him jump, his heart hitting his ribcage like a bullet fired from an automatic rifle.

He hid behind a tree and watched as Benji, oblivious, came out onto his front porch, leaning over the railing and running a hand through his hair. Victor observed him for a moment, the red string threatening to pull him toward the man he loved against his will. He cut the string, turning away and returning to where he had come from.

You can't keep doing that , Victor thought. He pulled out his phone, deleting the Instagram application from his phone immediately. There was no use in entertaining this behavior any longer. And he knew he should have stopped ages ago.