Victor hummed, letting his head fall back into the water behind him as he floated on his back, allowing the rays of sunlight to cascade across his face, the warmth pleasant and soothing. Benji watched him from a few feet away, the water beside him rippling as a dragonfly hopped across the otherwise still water of the lake. Soledad swam by, kicking up some water in Victor's direction and muttering a small "oops, sorry" as she retreated; Victor didn't seem to have noticed, his body still, with the only sign of life coming from the slow rise and fall of his chest above the water.

Benji moved a bit closer, pausing to quickly examine his arms, feelings self conscious at being exposed; he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the concealer he had bought was still holding up. He glanced at Victor, who lay there, oblivious, as if he had fallen asleep. Eyes softening, Benji allowed himself to look for the moment, Victor's lily-pad of a frame inducing envy; he wished he could be that relaxed. He swam away again, lying back in the water to mirror Victor, the tension in his body sloughing away progressively and drowning with his worries. Opening one eye and glancing to the side, Benji grinned. They drifted beside each other like that for some time, two lotuses blooming in the sun.

Growing bored after a while, Benji pulled himself out of the water and onto the shore, shaking out his hair, droplets flying about. He wrapped himself in a towel and put on his shades before checking the time on his phone. It was already after one, but they had eaten breakfast not long ago so they probably wouldn't be having lunch anytime soon. Sighing, Benji stared off into the distance, watching the trees sway in the wind. The sound of splashing returned him to the present as Victor rose from the water, his form dripping. Benji was thankful he was wearing sunglasses so his stare wouldn't be so obvious, but he looked away regardless. Victor grabbed a towel and wrapped it around himself, too, plopping down beside Benji on the blanket he had laid out before. Benji eyed the scar on Victor's leg from where he had broken it but said nothing.

"Do you know where everyone else went?" Victor asked, breaking the silence, as he shielded his face with his hand.

"They said they wanted to go for a hike, and Soledad went to swim a bit on her own," Benji replied, leaning back on one hand and running his other through his sopping hair, his towel falling open and exposing more of his chest.

Victor nodded, glancing at him quickly before turning his gaze to the trees. "So we're alone."

"So it seems."

"Remember when we came up here for New Years?" Victor reminisced, looking back to Benji, who looked down at his hands, fiddling with them, before looking at Victor's face, the face he couldn't get out of his mind.

"How could I forget?" Benji replied, voice soft. "Sometimes, I wish we could go back to how things used to be. But I think... I've learned too much to want that again."

"In what sense?"

"I feel like I see you for you and not for the idea of what you represent. And I know that's normal at the beginning of a relationship, but not when it drags on. It gets exhausting to hold onto that. To be... addicted to someone."

"Mmm... I see," Victor acknowledged. He resisted the urge to tuck a stray lock of hair behind Benji's ear.

They sat like that for a moment, hands an inch apart on the blanket, not feeling the need to speak or move. Victor broke the silence again.

"So I have a bit of a... personal question," Victor ventured, tilting his head to the side.

"What about?"

"How did you know you wanted to make music your life? I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself lately because I still have no idea what I want to do as like, a career. Basketball's out of the question since I'm not getting my scholarship renewed next year, and I probably won't be able to go back to Georgia State because of their shit financial aid," Victor explained. "Plus, I don't wanna go to law school. Also, I suck at math so I can't like, do science or anything like that. So... I don't know what to do. Like, I could go to community college, but... I've been wanting a change of scenery lately."

Benji chewed on his lip, deep in thought, not wanting to rush an answer.

"I guess for me it wasn't really a conscious choice, it was more something I just gravitated to naturally because I've been into music since I had the dexterity to hold something in my hands," Benji continued his thoughts aloud. "It's easier to study that because there are actually schools and programs for this sort of thing but sports are a bit harder since you can't like, major in basketball or anything like that, right? But even still like... it's probably a privileged mindset but I don't see it as something I'm doing to help me get a job but rather as a way for me to improve myself as an artist and to improve my craft, if that makes sense."

"No, I get that. It makes a lot of sense, actually."

"Then I guess the question is... how do you want to make yourself useful? What do you want to contribute? For me it's, as I said, to become better at making music, but also to be able to create something beautiful and to help others do the same. It's basically learning how to improve, use and apply what I'm already good at, instead of forcing myself into something just because it might offer a paycheck or a chance at success on the individual level. "

To improve the self and to help others... Victor hadn't thought of framing things in that way. But he liked that philosophy, and realized he was going about answering the question in all the wrong ways.

"Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking with the whole law school thing. I'm not cut out to be a lawyer. Like, it's prestigious and everything but... I think the whole thing with Derek has put me off the whole thing. I don't like the prospect of having to defend shitty people," Victor said bitterly, letting himself recline on his elbows.

Gritting his teeth, Benji shook his head. "I'm glad he let you off the hook. You know he found me when I was in London? It was fucking terrifying."

Victor swallowed. "He what? That's why they dismissed my case? Motherfucker..."

"He finally left me alone, thankfully. So we don't need to worry about him anymore. Also, he didn't do anything to me, just so you know."

"Oh, I'm glad he didn't do anything. I mean, I wouldn't do anything about it. New Victor is a law-abiding citizen," Victor said with a weak smile. "Well, for the most part. I just won't be getting into any fights. And Derek has amnesia so..."

"That makes so much sense now, no wonder he seemed so confused," Benji replied with a soft chuckle, moving his hand over a bit so their fingers brushed against each other.

"Actually, speaking of... creepy behavior... I wanted to tell you something, since we're being honest here," Victor said, furrowing his eyebrows. "The day you came back from London, I really wanted to see you and so I kinda... walked to your house and saw you on your porch, but basically at the last minute I was like 'what the fuck is wrong with you' and I went back home. I know there's no excuse but I wanted to tell you. I'm sorry for that, it was creepy as fuck. I should have just left you alone."

Benji stared at him through his shades, mouth slack. He took his sunglasses off, resting them on top of his head, not removing his gaze from Victor's face. Taking a shaky breath, he blinked, trying not to look away.

"I... don't know what to say," Benji murmured, pulling his hand back toward himself. "Y'know, I was beginning to trust you again, Victor. But I... really don't like that you did that when I deliberately asked you for space."

"Look, again, I'm sorry."

"I don't care if you're sorry. I just want you to do better. That's all."

Closing his eyes, Victor nodded. "You're right. It's stupid of me to just expect you to take it. I can't just keep doing shit and saying sorry and hoping you'll forgive me."

"Exactly. And for the record, I almost started trusting you properly again. I was this close a few minutes ago but you kinda fucked it up."

"How long will you hold this over my head?" Victor asked quietly, studying Benji. "I'm trying here. And I won't do anything like that again. I've acknowledged that I've hurt you and I'm trying to make amends. But if we want this to go anywhere, it can't be that one of us has power over the other, right?"

"Yeah, but asking you to respect my boundaries isn't me having power over you."

"That's true," Victor conceded with a slow nod. "And I know it's my own fault we're in this situation, but I want us to be able to move forward. Not in the sense of me wanting to evade responsibility, but because I want to show that you can trust me. That was why I told you that. I don't want there to be any secrets between us, and I want you to see the shitty choices I've made."

"Thank you. While we're at it, I may as well tell you that... the night you broke up with me, I slept with Ish."

It was Victor's turn to stare at Benji with wide eyes as he swallowed the lump in his throat. He suddenly became very aware of the sounds of birds chirping and frogs croaking in their vicinity. That revelation shouldn't have been so hurtful, but Victor found himself blinking back tears. "I know I have no right to be upset but... what the hell, Benji?! Don't tell me you cheated on me, too."

"What-- No! I would never do that," Benji replied, tears dripping down his face like two burning rivers of lava, his voice breaking. "Vic... I love you. And when you dumped me, I wanted-- no, needed someone to be there with me. I didn't know where to direct my pain, and I didn't know how to take care of myself. Please believe me when I say that I would never cheat on you. Ever."

Victor sighed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Thank you for telling me, though. I shouldn't accuse you of those types of things but... I guess knowing that is the price I pay for what I did to you."

Jaw tensing, Benji continued. "It... wasn't just one time, either. I won't go into all the details but... he was there for me until I ended things because I realized I was fucking myself over. I was smoking so much that I did that instead of eating. I got addicted to pills. And I... started self-harming. I couldn't stand that feeling that I was waiting for nothing. So I started burning myself with cigarettes. Because it felt good."

"Benji I'm sor--"

"No. Please don't blame yourself for that. I did that to myself because I didn't know how to cope. It wasn't something another person could fix. But I can't show you the scars yet. I'm still... ashamed."

His gaze softening, Victor turned to Benji, refusing to flinch away from the other's eyes on him. Benji bit his quivering lip, wiping his tears again. Victor wanted so badly to kiss him and tell him that everything would be all right. But they weren't there yet.

"Is it okay if I hug you?" Victor asked, voice just above a whisper.

Instead of responding, Benji sidled closer to Victor on the blanket, wrapping his arms around the taller man's middle and pulling him close. Victor wrapped his arms around Benji's back, burying his face in the other's neck and exhaling. They stayed like that for a long while, skin pressed against familiar skin, before reluctantly separating.

"I needed that," Benji admitted with a sniffle.

"Me, too," Victor said with a small smile. "Thank you for trusting me. I feel like we made a little bit of progress today. But also like... I feel terrible that you had to go through all that. I wish I had been there to support you."

"Yeah, I wish you had been there, too," Benji replied, but there was no malice in his voice. "All I ask is that you support me now."

"Of course," Victor breathed.

They sat hip to hip, gazing out over the water once again in silence, stealing glances out of the corners of their eyes, forgetting that there was a world outside of just the two of them, until a familiar voice reminded them again.

"Oi!" Soledad called, stomping over to them, water dripping everywhere. "Have you two been here the whole time? I've been looking for you everywhere. We should head back to the cabin for lunch."

Benji and Victor groaned at the prospect of getting up, their moment ruined, but they did anyway, gathering their things and packing it all up. They returned to the cabin to see their friends preparing some food for the grill.

With all of them congregating around the fire again, Victor and Benji sat together on the same bench, this time with their thighs pressed against the other's. Benji was still trying to be fully honest instead of telling half-truths, and Victor appreciated the fact that he was saying what was on his mind. It was encouraging because Victor finally knew about the idiosyncrasies in Benji's head, and vice versa, and Victor felt more compelled to share, too, without worrying about hurting Benji's feelings. Once they had gotten everything out of the way, it was easier to begin with a clean slate and no more secrets, liberated from the weight and constraints of their bindings. Their only limits now were their own personal boundaries and expectations, which they had discussed at length, and which were subject to revision and then communicated clearly to the other.

Victor found himself lost in thought, Benji's presence beside him a welcome one, his calm evenness anchoring him to the moment, reminding him that he wasn't alone. He hadn't been very talkative lately, his mind occupied with Benji's words from before. While Benji's admissions had been startling, he would need to make peace with them. Benji may not have cheated on him but... He refused to finish that sentence. The jealous, possessive boyfriend look wasn't cute, and so he shook his head to stop that line of thought in its tracks.

What was more important for Victor was deciding what he wanted to do in the future. The question of how he wanted to make himself useful was one he needed to think on intensely, weighing his strengths and skills. Withdrawing his phone, Victor penned a quick message to Simon.

"Dear Simon,

Hope you're well. I realize I haven't written to you in a while, but that's because a lot has happened and I've been trying to take care of things myself and through going to therapy. It's hard to say if it's helping much but I guess I feel a bit calmer and more willing to communicate openly, which isn't a bad thing.

I was wondering if you could give me some career advice. It's hard to talk about these things with my parents because they have their set ideas on what I should do to advance in life, and it doesn't always lead to productive conversation. I don't know what to do, and it's hard to decide where to start.

Law isn't really working out for me after all. I don't see that being my path. But I also won't be returning to school because I lost my basketball scholarship. And I've been wanting a change of pace and a change of scenery. Would it be stupid of me to want to go to London and run away from my problems? It seemed to have worked out well for Benji (yeah, we're talking again). He mentioned doing something where I could do to make myself useful, and I'm trying to figure out what that means for me.

Love,
Victor"

Pocketing his phone, Victor glanced to Benji, who had been watching him write.

"Let me guess... you're writing to Simon to ask him for career advice," Benji whispered into Victor's ear.

"It's like you read my mind..." Victor whispered back, his hot breath tickling Benji's ear. Benji shivered at their proximity, the sensation overwhelming.

"I mean, you have a tendency to do that. But it's not a bad thing. It's better than shouldering everything on your own," Benji said with a small smile, brushing shoulders with Victor.

"Definitely true. If I hear someone call me their rock again, I swear to god..." Victor replied, shaking his head dramatically. "But thanks for chatting with me before. Your advice was actually helpful. And I'm glad we were able to get things out into the open."

"Don't mention it, I'm glad I could help. It can definitely be a struggle to decide these sorts of things because we are still pretty young. The expectation that we should know what we want to do for the rest of our lives isn't realistic for most of us. I hope you can figure something out soon, though, so you can relax."

Victor nodded, giving Benji a small, crooked smile.

Their friends looked on as Victor and Benji interacted naturally, their movements and discussions effortless, focusing only on each other and forgetting their home planet. Victor kept his hands to himself, not even reacting when Benji let his head fall gently against Victor's shoulder, the soft cascade of his hair tickling Victor's arm. Mia stared, then turned to Lake, who turned back to Mia and Soledad. Mia muttered something to Soledad, earning a chuckle and a smack on the arm. Benji frowned, following their eyes as they shamelessly whispered behind their hands and under their breaths about Benji and Victor, even recruiting Felix and Andrew to join in on their gossip.. He'd been the subject of too many discussions to enjoy that sort of behavior.

Soon the rest of the day passed without problems or worry until they were meant to sleep again, climbing into the giant king size bed and plopping down in the same spots they had slept in the previous night. Lying in the dark, Benji found himself leaning even closer to Victor, whispering sweet nothings and receiving hurried whispers in return.

The next morning, they ate breakfast, went for a short hike, and then made a beeline for the city again after packing everyone and everything into their cars. They arrived home in the evening, and that was when Victor received a reply from Simon. Finally.

"Dear Victor,

Thanks so much for reaching out, and for trusting me to help you with this, because I know it's a big decision.

First, I'm glad you and Benji are talking again. When you two broke up, Bram and I were devastated. We were really rooting for you guys because you seemed like a match made in heaven. Hopefully things work out for you this time around and I hope you're both in a better place to deal with the relationship and its complexities.

Anyway, I think what Benji said is an interesting place to start. On one hand, many people will say that you should do what you love to do, but that can be hard if you don't know what that is. Also, the reality is that often, what we want to do doesn't align with what's out there. I hate to sound like an old-timer, but sometimes you have to take what you can get.

On the flip-side, though, it might be good to be a bit introspective and think about your skill sets. What are you good at, and how do you think that aptitude can be applied in a way that's useful? For instance, you seem like you're fond of and good at doing research and looking for ways to improve your situation, and you also care about other people and making them happy. Those are qualities that might make you a good therapist, for instance. But that's just a start. I don't want to push you toward something you might not want, it's up to you to decide.

As for your comment about going to London, think about why you want that. Do you want to go there to be closer to Benji, or because you genuinely want a change of scenery? Make sure you're doing something because you want to, not because you feel you need to. Good luck.

Love,
Simon"