There's something about that first like. That magnetic feeling that can almost be mistaken for love. In the beginning, I almost loved Kellen. I'm not sure if it was paranoia from my parents or if something in me just knew he wasn't the one that stopped me, but it felt like I was inches from the edge and too scared to jump.

I was scared of a lot of things back then, most of all I was scared of making Kellen angry until one day he pushed me too far.

I laid on Kellen's bed, scrolling through my phone as he showered for our date. I liked hanging out at the Miller's. It was loud, Kellen's family always buzzing about and yelling, but that was just how they talked; Kellen and Jamal's father, Roy, the quietest of the bunch.

Kellen cursed under his breath as his bedroom door slammed behind me. It had been over an hour since we had arrived at his apartment and he was annoyed his shower had been cut short by his youngest cousin, G.G., unable to hold her urine.

"It took you long enough," I mumbled.

"Don't start," He replied.

It annoyed me. I was timid for him, never wanting to yell and never wanting to make ripples, but his condescending tone created a tidal wave within me.

"And what if I did?" I challenged, standing to find Kellen in nothing but a towel around his waist. "What are you doing?" I gasped.

"Changing?" Kellen squinted his eyes as though it were a stupid question. "My cousin had to use the bathroom," he explained, dropping his towel to the floor.

I quickly turned away, Kellen laughing and telling me it was nothing I hadn't seen before. He was wrong. I barely looked. My eyes usually closed when we kissed or focused on his lustful expressions.

"Get dressed," I ordered, laying on my stomach and looking out the window ahead.

"Fine," He sighed.

I listened to him shifting around in the dresser drawer at the edge of the bed. Kellen broke the silence and said, "You know... we've been dating for three months."

"I know." I smiled despite myself.

I was still mad at him for insinuating a game of spin the bottle made me a slut on the walk there but I adored Kellen and couldn't help but smile at him for no reason at all.

There was slight pressure beside me, my body tensing while I wondered if Kellen was wearing clothes.

"Do you love me, Red?" He asked me while rubbing my lower back.

"What?" I asked, my skin tingling as Kellen kissed my jawline, pushing my amber hair over my shoulder.

"Do you love me?" He repeated.

I liked him a lot but I wasn't sure if it was love. I read about it in books, saw it in Brielle's movies, Emily was in love every other week but the concept felt strange.

Love felt like too much.

"Do you love me?" I deflected.

I turned on my side, relieved to see Kellen wearing boxers. His slender muscles exposed as he rolled me onto my back, kissing me softly while he mounted me.

"Maybe," he said with a kiss.

I quickly gave into the moment, my hips instinctively moving as I enjoyed the tantalizing friction between my legs.

"Fuck!" Kellen ripped away as my hand pressed into a bruise on his side.

I sat up, breathless and confused. "What happened?" I panted.

Kellen twisted to the side, lifting his arm to display a marking from his match the previous night. "Dude from last night liked rib shots. It wasn't bothering me too much until Chucky's fat ass clipped me while we were playing." He rubbed his side.

It hurt me to see Kellen hurt. When he switched from boxing to MMA, I thought I would die the moment someone got him to the ground but Kellen just smiled, pressing his forehead against mine, saying he'd never lose as long as he knew I was watching.

He's never lost.

I wonder if he knows I still watch his fights. If he remembers that conversation like I remember every moment.

"I hate this!" I pouted, examining the mark.

"It's okay, it's not as bad as it looks." Kellen gave me a sympathetic smile. "He came out of it looking a lot worse," he assured me, displaying his purpled fist.

I sulked, kissing both Kellen's fist and the mark at his side, telling him this was in no way okay.

"It's fine, I always win," he laughed.

"It's not always about winning Kelly."

"Yeah, it is Red. Not everyone has a rich mommy. Fighting is how I get out of here," he teased, pushing me back on the bed.

It annoyed me. I felt as though Kellen looked down on me because, despite us coming from similar places, I was handed the life he battled for.

Kellen squeezed my ass while attempting to unbutton my pants. I wondered what he thought would happen here. Did he think he could just insult me, and I would want to help him with his urges? Did he think we would have sex?

"I'm mad at you," I admitted, turning my face and stopping his hand.

"You're mad at me?" Kellen's laugh was more audacious and condescending than usual.

"Yes, you called me a slut!" I shoved him away sitting up on the edge of the bed.

"I said you were acting like a slut," he countered as though it made a difference.

I called him a dick and shoved Kellen to the ground. His eyes narrowed, standing and warning me not to hit him. I took it as a challenge, I was tired of being timid, rising and shoving him again, Kellen responding by pulling my hair.

It didn't hurt but it was alarming. I never fought back when my parents hit me but I always had a fight reflex with other people.

My body revolted, my arm shooting out and punching as hard as I could at the side of his mouth. Kellen gritted his teeth and his eyes grew dark, grabbing my face attempting to shove me onto the bed.

When we used to fight, I knew Kellen could end it at any given time. He was taller and stronger but I was never willing to go down easy.

I punched, I scratched, I yelled, I ordered Kellen to let me go and his family ignored it. I was too young to see the red flags. Too inexperienced to know that's how it starts.

At the time, Kellen didn't hit me back. He mostly pulled my hair or shoved me down and I thought that was okay. A sick part of me thought it meant he cared. Neither of us realized we had issues.

Kellen pinned my arms over my head and sat on my legs to stop my assault. "I said stop!" he barked in my face.

I should have been scared. I should have realized we crossed a line that few made it back from, but I wasn't. I was turned on.

Kellen and I glared at each other, catching our breath, and I experienced the same pulling sensation I felt when he touched me. It showed on my face.

"You're fucking crazy," Kellen glared at me, and normally that word would hit harder than anyone calling me a bitch, but I looked in his eyes and knew he was too; enjoying the fact I wasn't alone.

"So are you," I replied.

I slipped free, grabbing Kellen's face and pulling his mouth to mine. Taste of iron from the cut on the inside of his lip making me ravenous.

It was the start of something ugly. Later in life, we would get into these big knock-down-drag-out-fights that always ended with him between my thighs and I called it love. At that moment, I knew it was lust.

I felt the blood pumping in my ears. Kellen pulled off my shirt, my skin tingling as he kissed my collar bone, sliding the straps of my bra down my shoulders.

"Kellen!" Roy boomed, startling me to my senses.

"I'm busy!" Kellen called back, kissing me as he reached back to unlatch my bra.

I pushed away. Feeling nervous and jittery tossing on my shirt. It was my first taste of darkness, unaware that the medication I wasn't taking suppressed things that not even my doctors knew were there.

"We should go, we have a date, remember?" I said, adjusting my clothes, embarrassed he had seen my frilly pink bra.

"We can go later," Kellen said, the lust in his eyes making me uneasy.

"Kellen, come here!" Roy called.

Kellen's eyes fluttered with annoyance. I forced a smile and suggested he see what his uncle wanted. Needing a moment to myself to cool down alone.

"Fine." Kellen growled ripping from the bed and throwing on pants. "You know, this virgin is going to get old real fast," he said before leaving the room.

🕮🕮🕮

"I think I'm going to do it with Kel," I announced to Brielle as we layed across my bed giving each other manicures.

"Seriously?" She was skeptical yet intrigued.

I didn't want him to leave me. I really didn't want a dick in my mouth and the fact that Kellen's was intact kind of freaked me out more. I figured if I gave him what he needed we could meet a middle ground.

"Are you in love?" Brielle giddily teased.

"I guess." I shrugged, unsure what love felt like. "I'm thinking maybe on his birthday? It'll be our six-month anniversary." I smiled to myself.

"You sound like you've already decided," Brielle noted.

"Yeah, I did, it's just... I think I'm scared," I laughed nervously.

At fifteen, I had never taken sex ed. Colleen didn't think it was necessary for her little girl despite Wrenner taking it since he was in the fifth grade.

All I knew about sex was what read in books, saw on TV and in porn before Colleen caught on and applied the child locks to all my devices. I didn't watch it to get off, I was just curious ever since I saw one of Cal's girls entertaining a client.

I was no older than five so my memory of that day was skewed. I had erased Ever from it entirely. My sister grew up in a whore house. It's not the PC term but that's what it was.

Ever slept on the top floor or the three story Mc-mansion paid for by Winston Idris' hush money. When Cal would take me to visit her, he ordered we never leave the room but I was curious.

There were always funny sounds in the halls when we climbed the stairs and I wanted to see. I convinced Ever, who is a year older than me to investigate peaking in to see one of his girls getting her back blown out.

She saw us but didn't stop. I'm unsure if it was to stick it to Cal by corrupting his little girls or just didn't care but she smirked at us; lifting up and guiding the johns hand to her center putting on a show.

Ever looked away. Covering her eyes and rushing away to find our daddy. I stood and watched, until Cal came and beat us both. I never went back there again and with time my memories of Ever faded, but my fascination with sex didn't.

I like to watch. I like the sounds, the expressions, the way their bodies moved. I wasn't scared of sex until Colleen caught me watching porn like a Saturday afternoon specail.

She didn't hit me. My mother looked sad asking if Callahan had shown me those things. I felt embarrassed, shook my head and confessed it was my secret I kept even from Wrenner.

"Daddy said it was fresh but... I just... I like it."

"What do you like?" Colleen investigated. "Do you touch yourself? Has someone ever touched you?" she narrowed her eyes.

I was twelve. The idea of any of that was disgusting and uncomfortable, I was just entertained. Embarrassed further when my mother laughed.

"It's not real and it's not something you should want to watch. All you need to know about sex is that while it can be enjoyable to women, boys only know how to pound against you until they cum. It's painful and you'll bleed every time," she lied, putting child locks on all my devices keeping me from being able to confirm.

I didn't tell any of this to Brielle. She was always too innocent and I wanted to protect that. I told her I was affraid of the pain and maybe if I would look stupid or not do it right.

"Well... maybe we should study?" She proposed.

"We?" I laughed, knowing holding hands was a big deal for the sixteen year old.

"Yeah, There's two months until Kellen's birthday and you're going to need to cram," Brielle said, wrinkling her nose when she realized how gross it sounded.

We laughed, Brielle correcting herself and reminding me there's nothing in life you can't learn from a book. I would soon find out she was wrong.

Present

He's dating. We've been apart less than a month and Gage is fucking dating. To really twist the knife, he's dating Sophie fucking Wright.

She's nineteen. She barely made it out of high school, but this is who my husband kissed right in the center of town.

Cadence saw them when she stopped for a slushie. They were having ice cream because you have to give baby a treat before bed. Cady walked over to say hello, Sophie making direct eye contact with her before she leaned across the table and kissed Gage on the mouth.

He didn't pull away. Going at it like fucking teenagers until Cadence dumped her slushie on their heads.

Vodka isn't strong enough. I've been crying my eyes out for the last hour and I'm unsure if it's because I know I've lost him or I know that I've lost him to someone like Sophie fucking Wright.

"Rue!" The door slams and it takes everything in me not to run to him when Gage calls my name.

"Oh... you got nerve!" Cadence growls in mama bear mode.

I look ahead and see my husband. Knowing what I know, I still can't look at this handsome man and feel like he's anything but mine.

He called three times but I didn't answer. His eyes softening at the sight of my tears. It's been over an hour. His curls are freshly washed and he's wearing a tan curved hem T-shirt and those ugly ass stripe deck shorts I hate.

"You know..." Ana leans back in her seat, "For someone is always judging me for what I do, you got a real problem keeping your dick in your pants Medina," she says and it fractures something in me.

Gage looks like he could kill Anastasia but all she did was tell the truth. I sob uncontrollably. He told me there was no one else but Sophie has been in his life longer than I have.

"Shut the fuck up Ana," Gage incredulously declares, walking over to the kitchen.

"Don't talk to her like that!" Cadence scolds, tenderly rubbing my back. "Why are you even here? Apparently you left your wife to go play in the sandbox a month ago."

"It's fine," Anastasia sighs. "Hey, Gage, did you stop to wash the slush off your head or did you just say 'fuck it. I'm caught, may as well finish it.'" she teases and it breaks me.

I rip from my seat, Cadence scolding Anastasia as I try to escape to my room. Gage catches me by the waist, by the kitchen entrance, spinning me into his arms.

"I promise, it's not whatever you're thinking, Ruby," He holds the back of my head, whispering in my ear.

I have a wild vivid imagination. One so powerful when I get stressed I can conjure angels and demons. It's a rare symptom of my disorder, Gage probably worried he triggered me.

No. But it still hurts. His touch physically hurts, setting my skin ablaze. I frantically try to break away. Free myself of the pain but Gage holds firm.

"Stop. Just stop," He pleads but I can't.

I wonder when it started. I wonder how I hadn't seen it and why he is here?

"Hey, hey, just breathe. It's okay," he soothes, holding my head and forcing me to look into his eyes.

How is this okay?

"Dude, what the fuck? She doesn't want to be touched!" Anastasia cuts in.

"Shut up Ana!" Gage snaps, "Better yet, get out." He pulls me close allowing me to sob into his chest.

Gage smells like apple, citrus, and spice. Before we were married we had three first encounters. Once, in California when I was sixteen. Again, in Milan a year later. The last, here in New York three years after that.

By then, I had forgotten his face. So much had happened and my brain stored away the memory of those fleeting encounters but I remembered his scent and how it had comforted me.

I don't feel comforted now.

"What do you mean, get out?" Cadence argues.

"I mean, get out." Gage says as though it were a stupid question. To him it probably is, Gage hates rhetorical questions. He and Wrenner once had it out because Gage Medina will die on the hill that theoretical science is bullshit. "Both of you. I need to speak to my wife," he orders.

His wife.

My husband would never look twice at Sophie Wright. My husband wouldn't speak to my friends like this. He looks like my husband. He smells like him too but, my husband has never made me cry and has a touch that brings me peace.

I don't know who this man is, but I'm not his wife.

"You get out," I laugh despite my tears.

"What?" Gage asks, wiping my eyes.

"I said, get the fuck out!" I shove him away.

Gage looks at me like I've lost my mind, and maybe I have. He was my sanity. The one thing that kept me leveled and, as much as I love him, right now, I hate him so much more.

"Rue, I know how it looks, but I swear—" he begins to explain and Anastasia's dubious laugh reflects my own.

"I don't care." I shake my head. I won't do this again. I won't let him string me along. I won't wait until someone I devoted myself to pushed me away. "Get out, go home, go back to her. I don't care what you do, just get the fuck out!" I shout, pushing him to the door.

"Ruby..." Gage's voice is a shaken whisper.

I look into his eyes and I see him. I see the man who loves me. He looks so hurt and confused, as if he wasn't the one who led us here.

"If you wanted to be with someone else, you could have told me," I cry, taking deep breaths trying to stop my tears.

"Rue," Cadence calls, the sympathy in her voice is almost crippling.

I raise my hand, needing to keep my momentum before I break. "I would have understood," I whisper, gritting my teeth feeling another round of sobs breaking through the surface.

"I don't want anyone else," Gage says as though it took seeing me like this to realize it.

I force a smile, opening my mouth to speak, but I'm at a loss for words. I feel everything, crippling emotions ripping through me like successive shotgun blasts to the chest.

"It would still hurt, but I love you so I would have understood. We promised. You promised—" My voice cracks.

Life happens, people grow apart, sometimes you meet someone new. The best example of this is Fallon Lynch. He was my best friend. We were better off being best friends. I think we both knew that but at the time, being together felt so important. He was the light at the end of the tunnel and I dug my nails in, not caring that I was ripping flesh.

Then I lost him. Making someone so important to me no more than a familiar stranger in a bar. I didn't want that to happen again. I made Gage promise if we fell out of love or if there were anyone else, we wouldn't be the last to know. We would be happy for each other and remain friends.

Gage is crying. It's the second time I've seen him cry and both are because of me. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Ruby. I didn't sleep with her. I—" He pulls me back, desperately kissing my face in the way that soothes me.

"Just wanted to make out a little?" Anastasia reminds me in a venomous tone.

His kisses feel tainted. I turn away and wipe my eyes. "I want to be alone," I mumble.

"What?" Cadence makes her way over to me.

I'm surrounded. They're all talking at me and arguing over me; deciding what they feel is best. l just want to be alone.

"No disrespect, Cady, but I said get out." Gage wipes his eyes, clear frustration on his face.

"So? You don't live here," Ana's words rip through me. "And you're the one she told to leave."

He doesn't, does he? Gage moved into town, closer to his friends, closer to Sophie, leaving me out here all alone.

"You can't do this Gage - you can't just leave and then try to call the shots," Cadence argues.

"Get out. This is a private family conversation. You're just her friends. Her new friends at that," says my new husband.

"Excuse you?" Cadence exclaims.

"I don't need to be excused. I'm her family, you're not. Now get out," Gage grits his teeth.

"Oh, Oh wow! Was it a family matter when you were tonguing down Sophie fucking Wright?" Anastasia barks.

I cover my ears, feeling my resentment rise in me. That broken little girl standing at attention. I can't do this. I can't take this. I let her take control, storming over to the accent drawer by the door and pulling out the Springer Precision handgun and taking aim at Gage's chest

"I SAID GET OUT!" I shout at the top of my lungs.