"It's like you have two brains - a rational brain and an irrational brain. And they're constantly fighting."

—Emilie Ford.

My rational brain tells me I'm only human - encourages me to love myself and learn from my mistakes. My irrational brain makes me second-guess every second of my life and hate myself for every impulsive decision i've ever made.

"You... don't remember...?" I hesitated, unable to read Fallon's anxious expression.

"No. I woke up this morning and I know..." He looked away, becoming deeply overwhelmed.

It was the first time I had ever seen Fallon cry. My lover apologized profusely and promised he didn't mean to hurt me. I couldn't understand. That night Fallon's hands and mouth were on and in my body and it felt transcendent. He didn't hurt me. Not yet anyway.

I forced a smile, reaching over to dry his eyes. "What are you talking about?" I spoke in a hushed whisper, climbing onto Fallon's lap.

He wouldn't look at me. I had to hold his face in my hands and force Fallon to look into my face and he looked so broken. I wanted to sooth him, I also wanted to feel close to him because I could feel he was slipping away.

I brought my mouth to his and for a moment, and Fallon didn't kiss me back. "Please don't hate me. You're my best friend, Rue, I love you so much," he said in a rushed tear-filled breath.

I knew what was happening. I felt the air being sucked from the room as regret set in but I still couldn't understand. "What are you saying?" I forced a smile.

"I don't remember what we did, but I know I was wrong for doing it," Fallon explained.

I was winded. My heart was breaking but my best friend was crying and I just wanted to ease his pain. I wrapped my arms around Fallon's neck, pulling him to my chest and saying it was okay. We could just pretend nothing happened. We didn't even have to tell Sab.

"I told her already." Fallon wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his face at my chest.

Fallon told me the first stop on his apology tour was his girlfriend's place before he drove to pick up my birthday balloons.

"Oh," I managed, my wound deepening as I tried to slink away.

It was bad enough I would have to pretend nothing happened but I knew Sabrina had already made a ranting video post about the slut who hooked up with her drunk boyfriend.

Fallon held me tight as he pressed his lips to the fabric at my shoulder. "Please, don't leave, Rue," he begged, and it killed me inside.

I'm good at pretending. I happily celebrated my sixteenth birthday with Fallon's family. I smiled, laughed, and giggled as if I wasn't dying inside while I relived that night in excruciating detail.

Internally screaming because the first guy who had seen me in that way regretted it immediately after. Fallon said he didn't remember, but a part of me didn't believe him, telling myself even if he didn't, I would never be able to look at him and not know his dick had been in my mouth.

When we got home that night, Fallon slept on the couch. I didn't fault him but I didn't sleep. Not well at least. My night terror returned. I dreamt of a horrifying incubus; half man, half beast, with goring horns forcing himself on me. I awoke sobbing in the middle of the night, alarmed by a numbing sloshing feeling between my legs and finding I had gotten my first period.

I wasn't sure what to do. Colleen and I had never had those conversations and I didn't want Fallon to know I had bled on his sheets. I quietly cleaned up the mini crime scene, happy that the blood didn't soak into the mattress as I crept to the hall closet where DeeDee had a collection of shopping bags. I bagged the evidence and changed the sheets before I headed to the bathroom, disappointed to see she didn't keep Kotex in the cabinet under the sink.

I showered and packed my underwear with a homemade pad I fashioned out of a washcloth mummified in toilet paper, setting down a towel on the bed and hoping it would hold me over until morning.

I passed out at some point in the night; mortified when I woke to the sound of Sabrina Gabel's voice in the apartment.

I'm not good with confrontation. I hate debates and arguments because it's hard for me to keep my hands to myself. I locked myself away in Fallon's bedroom until DeeDee became worried early into the afternoon.

She gave a warning knock before swiftly entering the room. "You look like hell little girl," she said, and I felt like it.

The benefits of being someone born with the Darwin Chromosome, is that I don't get sick. The issue with not getting sick is that my body goes haywire at any physical change.

Hangovers, periods, and pregnancy, are all things that some people experience at some point in their life, but when it happens to me, I'm a wreck until my body recognizes I'm not dying. I was pale and shaking. Not knowing until I returned to Colleen that it wasn't par for the course, it was just the price to pay for alleged genetic perfection.

"I have my period," I whispered, balled up into myself before distantly reporting I was sure to wash the sheets I soiled. I left out the tidbit about my daddy teaching me a great at-home remedy to get rid of blood.

There was a sympathetic smile on her face. "First time?" DeeDee closed the door behind her.

"How can you tell?" I laughed miserably as she sat on the edge of Fallon's bed stroking my hair.

"Just a hunch. I'm going to bring you some pain killers, a warming press, and tea. Chocolate also does wonders. I don't know why, it just does." she smiled.

"Don't tell him?" I begged.

"Don't worry about Fallon, Little Girl. This isn't about him. It's about you being a woman now," she said, and I hated it.

There was a big commotion in the living room later that day. The happy couple's friends had come over; Julio being the bearer of bad news.

"I'm going to fucking kill him!" I heard Fallon shout.

I gravitated towards his voice. I was not particularly interested in what they were clamoring about as Sabrina asked him to calm down but I couldn't ignore Fallon's pain.

"It was a joke, Fallon, I don't think he thought it would go that far," Sabrina insisted.

"Wait, what do you mean, go that far? What happened?" Imani asked as my stomach sank.

I watched from the hall as Sabrina almost looked amused to tell the group Fallon and I had hooked up. "I guess, this makes it a little better," she mumbled.

"How is this better?" Fallon shouted at her; everyone in attendance looked deeply shocked.

"Fallon bro, relax," Julio requested as Zion and Benjamin sat quietly, no one sure what to do or say.

Ben was the first to notice me. I couldn't read his expression but it felt like pity and it made me sick.

"Stop telling me to relax!" Fallon snapped, sending his fist crashing into the nearby wall.

Everyone but Ben and I jumped as if they were all terrified of the person in front of us. Even at his worst I could never be scared of Fallon; I was worried. Those walls were thin but drywall still hurts like a bitch, sure there was blood at the end of the hole Fallon had created and, if there wasn't, there would be when DeeDee returned.

"Fallon, are you okay?" I piped up, Fallon deflating at the sound of my voice.

He turned to me. His jaw tensed as he fought back frustrated tears. "Rue." He said my name with deep mourning. "I have to tell you something."

Unlike Fallon, I don't think Jeremiah was trying to roofie me. He had been drinking from the flask like the both of us and I truly believe he just thought it would be a fun prank because anything else is too horrifying to fathom.

Fun, was a Purple Unicorn. A concoction made with flavored cough syrup, dissolved MDMA, jolly ranchers, alcohol and an energy drink.

Jerimiah had been laughing about it with Julio the previous night. Wondering out loud what happened when Fallon and I disappeared from the rave.

I didn't know how to feel after that, embarrassed by what happened and that everyone knew. I fell into a slight depression; I didn't leave Fallon's bedroom and when I did we couldn't look each other in the eye.

It went on like that for ten long days. Fallon set up shop in King's bedroom and spent all his free time with Sabrina, so I often found myself alone when the rest of the household went about their summer. Which is probably why, when he angrily stormed into the apartment one Saturday afternoon I was happy he was finally home.

"Fuck!" Fallon shouted as the front door slammed behind him. "Ma! Bring the first aid kit!" Fallon ordered as he ran the water in the kitchen sink.

"They went to Jersey with King," I informed him, hating how Fallon tensed at the sound of my voice.

I pressed my lips together, taking a deep breath before making my way over to see torn bite marks between Fallon's pointer finger and thumb.

"Fallon, what did you do?" I gasped, running to grab the first aid kit from the bathroom.

Fallon and I sat at the table while I bandaged his bruises. Despite his declaration that Jerimiah was a dead man, Fallon's friends Zion and Julio thought he just needed some time to cool off.

Even if that were true, ten days was nowhere near enough. I had never seen it myself but, from what I was told, Fallon is always his calmest before the volcanic storm.

His friends should have known that when they invited him to hang out within reach of Jerimiah. Fallon calmly walked over and strangled the lanky teen.

"That's the craziest part. I didn't want to hit him. Beating him up didn't feel like enough. I wanted him to stop breathing," Fallon fumed, adding he only hit him whenever Jerimiah managed to fight himself free.

As his former friends pulled him off, Jerry bit down into Fallon's hand, leaving a light scar that, as I looked over at him mindlessly massaging my feet while he watches TV, looks like six dashed freckles on his hand.

I remember wondering: was being with me really that bad? I didn't say it out loud, fuming while I cleaned off the table and tossed the trash.

"What?" Fallon snarled.

"Watch your tone," I warned, sick of Fallon treating me like something on the bottom of his shoe. "You might not remember it, but... I do, and it wasn't the drugs, we wanted to be together, Fallon."

"I wouldn't want that, and even if I did I wouldn't want it that way," Fallon insisted, but all I heard was he didn't want me.

I pressed my lips together, standing to quietly wash my hands. Fallon was more comfortable with my explosive rants than my silence, anxiously following me to the sink and reminding me Jeremiah had drugged us.

"We didn't know what we were doing," he said, more to himself.

"I did. You said I'm a natural," I bitterly mused.

"Rue!" Fallon scolded and I laughed in frustration.

I turned to dry my hands, feeling as though it was too late to feel shy.

"What? I did. I wanted to kiss you, so I did. I wanted to touch you, so I did. I wanted you to touch me so I asked, and you did," I recalled, aggressively drying the sink.

"Rue, stop. I don't need the play-by-play and we—"

"Aren't we," I interrupted. I tossed the cloth, gripping the edge of the sink to tame my rage. "You and Sab are a we. I'm just me, and the only time that I was good enough for you, you can't even remember!"

Fallon said my name with so much unease it made my stomach turn. I knew he wanted me to stop. I knew he needed Jerry to be the villain in our story, but I didn't agree. Jeremiah was a dick who did an idiotic thing, but I loved Fallon. I wanted him and I couldn't handle him not wanting me.

"Maybe it was the drugs that made us go down on each other," I supposed.

"Rue!" Fallon scolded.

"What? We did," I bitterly laughed, turning and placing my hand on Fallon's hips as I tried to force the memory to the forefront of his mind. "Yeah, just like that. Fuck, I love you so much, baby," I shamelessly quoted him in a breathy tone.

"Stop," Fallon snarled, attempting to pull away.

I refused. Hooping my fingers into the belt holes and pressing myself against him. I had grown up around sex-workers, I knew how to seduce a man, but that's not what I was doing.

I felt bitter. I didn't want to be alone in my memory of that night. I needed company in my misery. I needed him to remember and I wouldn't let go until he did.

I reminded Fallon we had showered together. His mouth had been at my breast while he told me my body was perfect and I had gotten so excited I had gone down on him in the bathroom.

I told him I didn't want anything in return, but when we had gotten into bed we had begun kissing until the next thing I knew his head was buried between my thighs. I mistook Fallon's discomfort for disgust; the sickened look on his face cutting me to shreds.

"You said you loved me." My voice trembled as I pulled away.

"I do love you, Rue. Why are you doing this?" Fallon asked.

I didn't know. I just felt as though I needed to. As if I would explode if I didn't.

"You said you loved me," I repeated, feeling my eyes start to burn. "I'm sorry being with me was such a nightmare for you, but I don't feel the same way. I love you, Fallon, I love you so much it hurts!" The discomfort on Fallon's face made me sob.

He reached for me, but I backed away. Fallon looked as though he was suffocating, assuring me I was his best friend and he loved me more than he can explain.

"Stop saying that!" I shouted, holding my head as though it would keep me from losing my mind. "You know that's not what I mean. It's not as if I've been trying to hide it, and you know you want me, so why do you keep pretending don't?" I sobbed.

"Who said he's pretending?" Sabrina asked, letting the front door slam behind her.

My body tensed. Fallon never locked the door behind him but I wasn't expecting anyone to walk in, let alone her. I knew I was wrong but I was too hurt to care, sobbing uncontrollably as Fallon pulled me into his arms.

"Rue, please, don't cry," he begged, kissing the top of my head and twisting the knife.

I didn't want his sympathy, I wanted Fallon to love me like I loved him. "Fallon, are you really going to fall for the virgin in distress act?" Sabrina scoffed.

"Not now, Sab. Why are you even here? I told you to go home." Fallon rested his chin on my head as I sobbed into his chest.

"You did, and I didn't. Good thing too. God, Rue, how pathetic can you be?" Sabrina asked and I snapped.

I knew I was being pathetic. I knew I was wrong, but I wanted what I wanted and she was keeping it from me. I blamed Sabrina for the way I felt, unwilling to come to terms with the fact that Fallon was the one leading me on. I hated her for having what I wanted - for that she needed to be destroyed.

Fallon wrapped his arms around by body and lifted me off my feet as I tried to attack his girlfriend. He commanded me to calm down but I couldn't, Sabrina's amused laughter driving me insane.

Sabrina reached for her phone, declaring her followers had to see what was happening when in one swift movement Fallon spun me away and shoved me down into DeeDee's favorite chair.

"Stay!" He ordered me. My eyes clouded with tears as Fallon turned away from me and whisked Sabrina away to the nearest bedroom.

It was Kellen and Aleena all over again. Having to watch the boy I cared for fight for the girl he was scared to lose. I could hear them shouting at each other in the other room and my heart ached as I sobbed, feeling foolish and alone.

I tried to breathe but the walls felt like they were closing in on me. Unable to stomach what I could possibly feel when they walked back into the room hand and hand. I wiped my eyes, taking a deep breath and rushing out the door.

Present

What does it say about me that I'm turned on by a man in ankle socks?

Fallon is standing across the yard in loafers, ankle pants and a chambray shirt rolled up to his sleeves. He looks like one of Gage's frat brothers, Chase specifically, with his hair brushed back like a good ol' boy, and yet I still want to fuck him.

The thought of Gage settles me a little. Pressing my lips together and I try to dismiss this pang of guilt in my chest.

Fallon glances at me, Jasper asking him something as he smiles to himself responding to my text. They probably think it's work. Fallon lives in that phone, and everyone seems to be used to it.

You're a terrible person, he replies.

I can be worse, I respond with a heat exhaustion emoji.

I enjoy having sex with Fallon. He spent the morning kissing me from head to toe before making love to me. I know we're not in love, but that's the only way to describe it. Fallon likes slow and passionate sex. It's not my everyday aesthetic, but it's nice. The thought alone sends signals between my thighs.

I bite my lower lip, requesting Fallon meet me in the bathroom, promising I'll be very quiet. He laughs, shaking his head and dropping his phone in his back pocket as Posey sits beside me with a fresh bottle.

"I never look at Shane like that." She tops me off.

Something about her is so familiar. She is alluring with the hint of a threat in her smile.

Posey has been traveling back and forth between the back porch swing where I sit enjoying the warm weather and this kitchen. I know she's trying to be polite, but there's something about her that I don't trust.

"Hm?" I reply, looking into my glass.

This is my seventh cup of Champagne. If I didn't know any better, I would think DeeDee is trying to get me drunk, I think to myself.

"She is," Posey declares.

"What?" I laugh, not realizing I said it out loud.

"You were just thinking, DeeDee is trying to ply me, and she is. I think the hope is to get you plastered and pray your birth control fails. You are on birth control, are you not?" she asks, and I don't know how I feel about it.

"Yep!" I hum, quickly changing the conversation.

I ask Posey what she does. I know her family works in shipping. She mentioned it when she told me about her meet-cute with Shane, but my family does many things that have nothing to do with me.

"Security. I am an Insider Threat Detection Analyst. I assess internal and external threats and deal with them accordingly," Posey robotically reports with a blank smile.

"That sounds cool," I admit.

"You have no idea," Posey muses with a Cheshire smile.

Babyface, curvy frame, and this fire in her eyes that warns you she's not one to be fucked with.

Shane is going to marry his mom.

I have a mini giggle fit while Posey gives me a curious smile and tells me I am nothing like my brother.

"You know Wrenner?" I ask, unable to recall the last time Wren mentioned Shane.

"Yes, he is my boss and in the years I've worked for him, I've never seen the man laugh once," she says, and that doesn't sound like Wren.

I turn to my side, leaning my arm on the back of the porch swing, deeply curious. "Wrenner never speaks about work. I didn't even know he was starting his own firm until I saw him on the cover of Forbes while buying tampons." I glower.

"Well I'm an open book. Ask me anything." She grins.

"Isn't your job to keep his secrets?" I giggle.

"My job is to protect Fallon. Wren has his own handlers," Posey explains, and maybe I've had too much to drink because I'm thoroughly confused.

"Fallon?" I ask.

"Yes, Kid?" he calls, making his way over.

Posey shifts. Her face is softer than it was just a moment ago. "I was just telling Rue how green-eyed I am that you won't give me your extra pass to the Blue Autumn wrap party tomorrow." She beams.

My mind goes blank. I love Blue Autumn. Their music transcends genre and their lead singer, Jade Knight, is my spirit animal. Gage says we look alike but I don't see it. I'm me and Jade is everything.

"At what point were you going to mention this?" I shoot up from my seat. Fallon knows too well their single, An Unsaid Truth, is my favorite song.

Fallon's smile is tense, and the look in his eyes says he wants to kill Posey. I know I'm a fan, but I'm not that bad. I take a breath to keep my composure.

"I didn't give it to you because Laney doesn't like you. I'm seeing why." Fallon grits his teeth.

Laney - Elena. I haven't thought about Fallon's play cousin in years, but I suppose she's more like his sister. I feel guilty about how much of his life I deleted from mine.

"Laney," I gush, "How is she, where is she?" I ask, remembering how close the two were.

"Should land tonight I believe." Posey smiles. "That's when the band gets in, yes?"

My mind stutters for a moment. The band? Elena? Laney... Lane!

"Lane is Lane Bax. Your cousin is Lane Bax!" I call out like a trivia answer, Fallon reaching out to cover my mouth.

Lane Bax is the best bass player of our generation. The band's newest member is the most private of the group. With a signature bowl cut that covers her eyes and a black cotton surgical mask with sharp smirking white teeth blocking the rest of her face.

No one knows how they met or where she came from, but in interviews she says she's always liked music but didn't take it seriously until she was given her first electric bass.

Wait, I bought that bass. I helped create Lane Bax!

"My sister is Elena," he says looking over his shoulder to be sure we went unheard. Fallon places his hands on my shoulders, bringing me to an exhilarating simmer. "And I told you I had a work thing tomorrow, remember?" He speaks slowly as though trying to let me down gently.

"Who are you going with?" I pout, not considering Fallon had prior engagements.

"No one." Fallon smiles softly, leaning in to kiss the corners of my mouth until I smile. "Laney gave me a pass because I wasn't originally on this job." He pulls back, an uncomfortable look on his face as Fallon gnaws at his thumb. "Then the company received a personal request from their agent and well... I had two." He flicks his nail against his teeth, not biting down hard enough to fracture.

The Blue Autumn wrap party is an exclusive, intimate event. Only fifty fan tickets were given away and even with my connections I couldn't get one. I can tell he's uncomfortable but I really want to go so I lay the big puppy dog eyes on thick.

"You want to go, don't you?" Fallon mumbles.

"Yes!" I cheer, pulling his thumb free and giving Fallon an excited kiss.