Fallon and I didn't speak for nearly a week. It was his day off, so I stayed in the room using his laptop to search for my aunt Cara back in California.

I didn't have much to go on besides her name; hoping I would find anything about Cara Bianchi. I did. Thousands in California alone, but not the one I was looking for.

The pressure was getting to me. It was two-and-a-half weeks until Fallon began school and, despite his insistence I stay, I wanted to make my self-imposed deadline, whether it was with my father's family or not.

"Hey." Fallon entered the bedroom unannounced.

"I could have been changing," I said emotionlessly.

"You only change in the bathroom, and it's not like it's anything I haven't seen before." He closed the door behind him.

"Well, it's something you'll never see again, so knock," I muttered as I read through an article about my father, hoping to find some kind of familial mention.

It was weird. There was a photo of myself and Wrenner but our names weren't mentioned. I knew from memory, Cal's prison confessions before his death created a buzz but, as I clicked through pages of internet searches of the California Butcher, it was almost as if he didn't truly exist.

No death record. No family to name. Dozens of conspiracy theories surrounding the prison riot in which he was killed, but Callahan Bianchi didn't exist outside that one article from the night he was arrested.

"I... got you flowers." Fallon hesitated.

I love flowers. They're a reminder that no matter how ugly the world can be something beautiful will always find a way to thrive. I looked up to see Fallon standing with a bouquet of tickseeds, Hibiscus and Aster; in his socks so he didn't track in the rain.

I don't know why, but it was a funny sight. It was also the first time someone had gotten me flowers. Pressing my lips together, I tried not to smile.

"Why?" I took a calming breath, reminding myself how awful that boy could be.

"Because I love you and you love flowers."

I gave in and smiled; closing the laptop and getting to my feet. I remember how relieved he looked as I walked over and took my gift.

"Stop saying that." I leered at him, dumping them into the bin.

"Come on Rue, I'm trying!" Fallon pleaded

"To fuck me!" I barked. "Come on Fallon, what did you expect? You would give me some flowers and I'm just supposed to be okay?"

"No. I don't know. I just, I don't want you to leave me, Rue." He complained.

"It's not about you, Fallon! I need to be somewhere I feel safe and I don't feel safe with you."

He looked hurt. Fallon taking my hands and promising he didn't mean the things he said and he would never hurt me again.

"You did." I pulled away. "And I did - I do. This was a bad idea, Fallon, all of it. I should have—"

Fallon yanked me forward and wrapped his arms around me. "Baby, I love you," he said for the thousandth time, but it didn't lessen the sting.

"No you don't, and stop calling me that," I groaned, trying to ease away.

Fallon held tight, refusing to let me pull away as he repeated his words. "I love you. I'm in love with you and I want to be with you forever but I don't think that's going to happen if you disappear."

My pounding heart muffled his words. I wanted it to be real but Fallon's track record with the truth sucked.

"Am I supposed to believe that?" I slipped away.

"Why would I lie, Rue?" Fallon reasoned.

"Why do you lie, Fallon? Remember what you told me? You don't lie to get what you want and yet, that's all you have done since we met."

"No, I might have left things out but—" Fallon shook his head.

"Everything before 'but' means nothing," I said with a pained smile. "I had never been naked in front of anyone before. You knew that. What you didn't know is I hate being naked in front of myself because the light stretch marks around my thighs and on my hip remind me. I'm never small enough..."

"Who cares about that?" Fallon asked and I think it was to comfort me but it didn't.

"I care about that. I hate my looks every day and you made me feel beautiful and then told me I was forgettable. I don't want to do that again." I shrugged, attempting to leave the room.

"It will never happen again," He blocked my path. "I'm sorry, please, just listen to me."

My mouth hung open. I wanted to say, there's nothing to listen to because there's nothing left to say but the pain in his eyes killed my soul. I loved him. I didn't want to but I did and as much as he hurt me I didn't want to do the same.

I pressed my lips together. Taking a deep breath and retaking my seat on his bed.

"Ten minutes."

"It's going to take a lot longer than ten minutes."

"No it's not. You love me, you always wanted to be with me, blah, blah, blah." I condescended.

"No. I didn't." He told me.

"Didn't what?" I asked.

"I didn't always want to be with you and I can't fit four months into ten minutes."

I narrowed my eyes. I felt that if Fallon wanted me to want him. To swoon and think maybe I should forgive him he should be more romantic. What's more romantic than love at first sight. He pulled up his swivel chair sitting directly in front of me and told me, when he first saw me it was lust. When he realized he had real feelings for me it started with a sweater.

It was early May. Fallon and I had been hanging out and he was trying to make good on his promise not to flirt with me. "We just saw a movie and your parents were out so you had time to hang out but it was cold that night and you refused to bring a jacket because it was hot out. I gave you my sweater and it looked cute on you. You're so small so it looked like a big ass dress and we're walking and talking and you talk with your hands and I'm like... why does she have to be so cute?" he rolled his eyes and it made me smile.

"We get back here and you're still wearing it. I thought about letting you have it which was weird because it's my favorite but it looks so much better on you. We were talking and it was the first time we said we loved each other. You were laughing at something I said and I thought I love her laugh. Then you said you love me and yeah... you took a cab home. I told you to keep it but you said you're fine and would talk to me tomorrow so I'm laying in bed. Looking up at the ceiling and I'm thinking about you. I don't know why but, I went and got my sweater from the closet and it smelled like coconuts. I never realized your hair smells like coconuts so the next time I hugged you goodbye I breathed in deep. Held you a little tighter and it's like... I love her," he sighed, giving me a longing expression.

"I wanted to tell you I loved you in the diner," Fallon explained. "I was thinking about it for a while. It was like, you weren't mine but you were mine and when Jerry kissed you I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill you. I was so fucking mad and I didn't know why and then Ben said, the faster I admit I love you the less annoying this will be. He was joking, but, it stuck, and when I kissed you I thought, fuck, I want to do this forever."

"And then you got a girlfriend." I glared at him.

"And then you disappeared. When you showed up again it was a lot and I thought, you need a friend not a boyfriend, but it's hard to sleep next to you and not want to touch you. After a while, cold showers stopped working and we were in way too deep." Fallon shook his head.

"What are you fucking talking about?"

"We're in this weird fucking bubble and I'm sorry to break it to you, Beauty and the Beast wasn't a romance. That's some bullshit that Disney tells you but that story is about a girl whose family sold her off to save their asses. Does that sound familiar?" he asked.

"That's not us..." I reminded him.

"Yeah, but the part where he was her only connection to the outside world is. It's not a love story, Rue, it's Stockholm. I didn't want to take advantage of you," Fallon explained.

"You kissed me," I recalled.

"Before this. After you kissed me first, Rue. I thought if I started dating someone else I would stop thinking about you. I'm a lot of things but cheating is fucked up. It's one thing if you're single but..." Fallon sighed. "I picked Sab because you liked her. I figured any other girl would want me to get rid of you so it worked. Then you kissed me and I forgot about her. I forgot I promised to just be your friend and, when I pulled away, I looked at you and saw your eyes."

I was high. So was he, but Fallon is a hypocrite. He built this odd pedestal in which he wanted to maintain my innocence while still plowing me.

"You weren't you. So I left and spent the night with Sab, trying to forget."

I felt wounded. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked.

"Because you said I couldn't be honest. Honest is ugly, Rue," Fallon cautiously explained.

"None of that explains why you lied, Fallon," I mumbled.

"After we... After we decided to be together, I woke up that morning and I was happy. You looked so cute in my shirt and I thought, okay, she wants to do this. We can go out with my family, rent a hotel, I'll make it special for her and, while I was looking for somewhere in my phone, I got a text from Sab," he explained.

"And then you went back to her," I bitterly cheered.

"I went to break up with her. I didn't want the start of our relationship to be something fucked up and I figured I gotta pick up your balloons so I should just get it over with. I kissed you goodbye and I told you I loved you. I guess you were sleeping but you smiled and said you loved me and it felt good. I knew what I was doing was wrong in a way but, we're in love," he said, and it made my heart ache.

I thought, how can we be in love if all it does is hurt?

Fallon told Sabrina what happened. He didn't want to hurt her feelings, so he kept to the facts. We had gotten drunk. We had hooked up. He didn't tell her he was sorry because Fallon doesn't tell outright lies, he just omits.

"She forgave me," Fallon recalled with a confused expression. "I figured she didn't get it, so I came out with it. I told Sab I wanted to be with you and she asked if you wanted to be with me. I thought it was obvious and then she asked if you would have wanted to be with me if you were sober? Even then, how do I know it's not because I'm all you have?"

It made him feel sick. Fallon explained the more he thought about it, the more he realized, I never reciprocated his emotions. The only time I had been with him while I was sober he cornered me into a booth and told me he was going to kiss me. He never asked what I wanted.

"I thought it would make it less awkward if we pretend it didn't happen. If things just went back to normal and I figured it wouldn't be normal if I broke up with Sab. Then Jerry - then Sab - then you said the things you said and I froze. I was overwhelmed? Sab is a lot of things, but she isn't a fighter. You looked like you wanted to kill her and I figured asking you to go to the room wouldn't work and asking her to leave wouldn't work so I pulled her to King's room and told her it was over." Fallon shrugged.

He couldn't hear the door under Sabrina's yelling. His ex had a full meltdown that Fallon admitted was warranted.

"I was only thinking about what I wanted and it hurt both of you. I mean, it's fucked up, but she was yelling and crying and all I was thinking was I wanted her to leave so I can be with you. I guess she read my mind because I looked towards the door and when I looked back..." he laughed incredulously.

Sabrina kicked Fallon in his dick, punching the side of his face when he doubled over. "Well, I was right about one thing; you hit harder," he laughed to himself.

I wasn't laughing. None of it was funny and the more he spoke the more I saw how wrong he was for me.

"Okay," I replied, winded and overwhelmed.

"Okay?" Fallon asked, confused by my statement.

"Okay. You're an awful person who loves me. It changes nothing. Actually, it all feels worse." I attempted to leave the room.

Fallon wrapped his arms around me, telling me that we couldn't keep pushing each other away because things felt uncomfortable.

"It's not uncomfortable, Fallon, it's dirty and gross and you—"

"Love you, I love you, Rue. I've been trying to tell you and I don't know how else to say it. I have this thing; I need to be in control of everything. Myself, my family, my friends. I have to know every single move before I make it and you're not exactly the easiest thing to navigate," he said as I slipped through his arms.

"I'm not a fucking ship!" I berated.

"I..." Fallon shut his eyes tight. "That's not what I meant, Rue. It's like I never know what to say to you anymore. Anyone else in the world, I have all the answers, but with you it's like my mind goes blank and I can't stop myself from doing the wrong thing."

"Because you're an idiot, Fallon!" I shouted.

"I know, I'm sorry," he pleaded.

"YOU'RE ALWAYS SORRY, FALLON!" I shouted, picking up one of his sneakers and tossing it at his head.

It felt like my head was on fire. Frustration morphed into uncontrollable rage as I jumped at Fallon, swinging.

He quickly subdued me, wrestling me to the bedroom floor and wrapping his body around mine; holding me in place between his legs.

"I HATE YOU!" I screamed. "I WISH I NEVER MET YOU. I WISH I NEVER AGREED TO BE YOUR STUPID FRIEND!" I cried, attempting to break free.

Fallon held tight, rocking me back and forth as he rested his mouth at the top of my head telling me he was sorry while I sobbed uncontrollably.

It felt like I was grieving; confusing waves of conflicting emotions racking through me. I hated him for what he did and yet I loved him so much, and somehow I hated that more, knowing as mad as I was, I didn't want him to let go.

"I wish I didn't love you, because this hurts so much," I sobbed, twisting around and burying my face into Fallon's chest.

Present

I look out the wall-to-wall window of Fallon's luxury apartment facing Central Park. It's a beautiful view of the city despite the rain. People look like ants from up here, scurrying around trying to keep dry. It's been pouring for the last two days. Like mother nature knows something the rest of the world doesn't.

Lane came over about two hours ago. They ripped through the door, soaking wet eyes red and blotchy from crying, not bothering to greet me when Lane asked, Where is he?

Fallon was still cleaning up in the kitchen. We had sex on the counter before he made me pancakes. Buttoning his dress shirt, he walked into view.

What did you do? Lane accused him.

Laney, you shouldn't be traveling in the rain, Fallon coolly replied.

They have been holed up in his office since then. I don't know why but it's as if Lane wants to blame Fallon for what happened.

The rest of the tour had to be canceled. Fallon was right, it would have been in bad taste for them to do it without Jade, who needs to recover. It was a business decision that had nothing to do with him.

It feels like the entire world is freaking out about Jade. I lay on the couch, reading this conspiracy theory Ana shared with me. Some bullshit about the Illuminati, but I don't believe in secret societies and I doubt this was any more than a drunk driver.

A lucky one, too. The CCTV cameras in the tunnel had malfunctioned and all witnesses can say is it was a black car that clipped the left wheel.

I feel bad for the drive and their family. I guess I would feel bad for Jade if she wasn't such a bitch. Fallon's right, she was unnecessarily unkind to me, so why waste sympathy.

"I don't know, but I look at you and I don't see my big brother." Lane's laugh is angry and hurt as they exit the office at the end of the hall.

"Laney," Fallon sighs.

"No. I'm done," Lane declares, storming away.

"Done?" Fallon laughs. "This is a family, Elena, you can't be done with family," he tells them, his smile fading when he realizes I'm watching.

Fallon takes Lane's hand, asking them to go back so they can continue their argument in private, but he calls it a conversation. "No matter what, I'm always going to be your big brother, Laney." He looks so scared.

"No." Lane pulls away. "My brother was my hero. He never did anything he didn't have to do. I don't know who you are but I'm done with you, with this, and there's only one way you can—" Lane grits their teeth.

Fallon reaches out, holding Lane's head in his massive hands - Lane looks so small compared to him - as Fallon asks for clarity.

"Laney, what are you saying?" he asks anxiously.

"I wanted to play music, Fallon; I didn't sign up for this." Lane slips away from his hold and storms down the hall. "But don't worry, I'll always keep your secrets."

I eye them curiously. It's been years, but I can't recall a time the two had fought. Lane worshiped Fallon and I'm sure all of this is overwhelming, but it's not like it's his fault.

"Bye Laney," I mumble, fighting my urge to overstep.

Lane stops short, looking from me to Fallon staring intently from the opening to the hall. "Bye Rue." Lane looks sad, stooping over the back of the couch to hug me goodbye.

Lane buries their face in my curls. A cold chill runs down my spine while they whisper for me to go home. "Get as far away as you can and don't come back," Lane warns me, but I don't know why.

"What?" I ask, pulling slightly away to see a mix of fear and determination in Lane's eyes.

Lane's scared, scared of Fallon who is the last person in the world who would hurt either of us.

"Lane..." Fallon calls.

"Don't trust him, Rue. He's not who he used to be," Lane whispers, both of us jumping as Fallon calls their other name.

"Elena!" Fallon barks. "Let's talk, sib." Fallon's voice is tense and demanding.

"Goodbye Fallon," Lane says, backing away towards the door. "Goodbye Rue," they say, rushing to leave.

Fallon's jaw is tense as he makes his way over. I know as well as anyone it sucks fighting with your family.

"What did she say to you?" he asks, looking towards the door.

I hesitate, reminding myself that this is Fallon easing my nerves. I smile softly, deciding I shouldn't stir the pot. Whatever is happening, I'm sure they will work through it.

"She said she'll miss me." I shrug, standing to comfort him.

Fallon stares at me intently. We both know I'm lying. After all these years he is still one of the few people that can read me like an open book, but he doesn't challenge my statement. His eyes narrow slightly as I wrap my arms around his neck.

"Everything okay?" I ask as his fingers intertwine at the back of my hair.

Fallon gives me a light tug. Something about it sends a signal right between my legs. I melt into him while his lips meet mine.

"Yeah," he lies, but I won't challenge it. "I have some work to do." Fallon kisses the top of my head before returning to his office.