Jonathan Parker

Day 5, Grand Canyon, State of Arizona

Sometimes, we could go insane because of things we never thought about.

With AJ, it is about that one person who seems to occupy his mind, other than basketball and drawing. With me, it was him where I lost all of my sanity.

I mean, who wouldn't go insane if the one person you are madly in love with rants on and on with you about a mysterious person, who definitely would make him so happy that he could possibly jump five feet into the air if they ever ask him out? I don't know about you, but that case would definitely apply to me as a person.

For today, the fifth day of the trip, we finally reached Grand Canyon, and were greeted with the blazing hot sun on the clear blue sky, without the winds. But that seems to not making my wanderlust spirit diminish.

I always have looked at the world with all of the excitement that a child possibly would have, and AJ knows that I am not the only one who have the same mindset: supposedly, the one who he was madly in love with thinks the same as I do.

"You are kidding." I said, while he snickered:
"It may sound scary, but they never admitted to me that they have a child-like mindset at all, just like you."

That sentence earned him a snappy comeback from me, in the full-out sassy way:
"Well excuse me, but I don't have the responsibility to admit to you everything about my life. Plus, I'm too fabulous for my own good, so does it actually look like someone will be as crazy as your current awesome best friend? Nope, I do not think so."

He put his hand up in a surrendering and dismissive manner, while shrugging "Makes sense".

I huffed, and continued going on with my story. I know, I am such a loner for just talking about how will I finish my story over the course of the following month, instead of how pretty the cactuses are or about the heat that could possibly earn you a sunburn in just an hour.

AJ seems to continue being care-free person he usually is, and keeps on watching whatever movie is there on TV.

In other times, I would join him in admiring his fine choice of movies (by which, strangely enough, he always surprised me with his cinematic taste), but I will take tonight as an exception, as I am a bit tired after a long day, and I still got a long way to go before I hit the twenty-five thousand words mark. On a relief note, we will spend two nights in Dallas, Texas before going onward into the infamous Panhandle state of Oklahoma, and for the first time in a full week, we will not have to wake up at six in the morning in order to have breakfast and keep being on the street in just an hour or an hour and a half, added with a five or six-hour-long drive and countless moments of me gazing longingly into AJ's eyes.

The fun part of our friendship, is it is overly romantic and is somewhat dramatic. What else would you expect when you find a Prince Charming and a romantic guy as close friends?

I silently looked up, and saw AJ walking out of my room with a look of hurry in his eyes. I did not have a chance to look after him, as he had already shut the door when I saw him.

I don't know what drives me, or what had made me wanted to reach the one part of my scrapbook that no one should ever talk about it, but I started to pull through what I had kept for myself for so long.

All of the letters, that I wrote for him, but those never made it to the intended receiver.

I would rather have him in my life and cry myself to sleep every single night, wondering why he would never love me back, than to tell him about my feelings, having him pushing me out of his life and brutally break my heart, along with crying my own poor self to sleep every single wondering what have I done wrong with my life to lose him for good.

I looked at my manuscript and sighed before opening up the first letter. Up until now, there is only nine thousand words present on the pages, and I need twenty to thirty thousand words in just three more weeks.

I tried my best not to shed tears, while reading the letters that I wanted to send to AJ so badly.

I love him. I do know that, but I don't know whether or not I should tell him.

I am scared, that is a definite. I am alone, that is considerable.

But should I tell him about the monsters in my dream? You know, the hideous things that keeps haunting your long nights and covered it with fear?

He already had enough on his plate talking about his matters of the heart and his lifelong dream of having his work exhibited in London Tate, and I still have my second novella to write...

Wait a minute. My head just popped out an idea. An awesome one.

I started to add more details in the parts where I had put in his initial novella. The details that would uncover the biggest mystery: Unrequited love. I know that I may regret this later, but at least it is still worth the attempt.

With that big idea in mind, I started to eagerly re-annotated my novella's outline.

"Let's hope that he'll finally knows the truth." I thought to myself, feeling happy that I no longer have to lie anymore about this.

---*---

AJ McAllister

Grand Canyon, State of Arizona

Day 5

Should I be concerned that Johann, my best friend in the entire world, suddenly wanted to stay away from me like I have the cold or something relevant to that?

My subconscious said yes; and usually, he's right. Just like his evaluation with my chance with being with Jonathan.

You actually stand a chance, AJ. If you're honest enough with him. Along with good timing too, of course.

My thoughts snapped right to a sweet kiss in the Tennessee State Fair in Nashville, one of our pit stops since Johnny and his dad both loved being at the carnival.

I know that Johann is definitely in love with me. Because why would a guy looked at another guy with the same eyes like he would use to glance through the doors of a candy store, unless he is in love with him?

I mean, I do love him, more than just a friend...

"Oh, why with the cliche lines now, AJ? You are head over heels for him, just spill it out!" My conscience once again sounded; and as always, I agreed with him.

I keep on figuring about how I fell in love with Johann, while walking outside to the starry night sky.

Maybe it was during our freshmen year, when he pulled me out of a number of awkward situation during the winter formal dance, by accompanying me in almost all of the duration of three hours in the long dance.

The refreshing breeze gently caressed my face, and I sighed. My mind would never got put to rest easily these days due to my constant train of thoughts about Johann.

We are in love with each other, but the thing is who in the two of us will break the silence.

I only seen the signs that heʻs in love with me, not the confirmation in any case from him that he is actually in love with me.

Are you still finding the last pathetic resort to hide away from the inevitable? My conscience snorted and I mentally shouted at him:

"Well, what am I supposed to do? Telling him that I love him when both of us are not sure that our feelings are mutual?"

I could feel the sound of my conscience's facepalm echoing in my head, as he continued his rationalization session:

"Okay, you don't sure about it, but it doesn't mean it's not worth the try."

Alright, he was right. I need to try, for once.

With the newfound determination, I set the journey back to my hotel room.

The summer breeze finally set all of their finest beauty into this place, somewhat wiping away the blazing heat of the daylight hours, and replaced it with a chilling vibe.

It is just like the weather back in Los Angeles, with the bright sunshine rays warming up the city in the daytime, and refreshing breezes cooling down the dynamic heat of the city.

The Southern Californian weather were something actually unique: it is unlike the hot and humid tropical weather of Hawai'i, nor it is like the immense heat and rainfall like the New England region or the Southern states.

Southern California is a place like no other. It is just like Johnny- an unique person.

A person that I am madly in love with.

I gently pushed the door of our hotel room, so that I wouldnʻt wake Johnny up, but I was surprised when seeing him asleep in such an early hour like half past eleven. And he usually goes to sleep at the earliest at one oʻclock.

There were tear stains on his cheeks, which rarely ever happen.

I lay down next to him, feeling extremely guilty. Iʻve already knew that because of me, this thing would happen on a regular basis.

I lay on the bed, my eyes looking onto the dark blank ceiling.

I will ask Johnny out. The only problems is when. And how.