ZEN

The rain softly taps on my window. It's been a month since I last saw Rozend and summer is really over. Wala kaming balita sa pamilya nila. Wala kaming alam tungkol sa kalagayan ni Rozend ngayon. I miss Rozend so much but my life must go on. My life won't stop even though he's not around. My orbit isn't dependent on him even if I wanted to.

I also enrolled in Bachelor of Fine Arts, major in Painting.

I didn't choose this because Rozend is pushing me to do it but I just discover that Rozend is right. Painting is my way of breathing. This is where I belong. I can transform pain and grief into something beautiful. I can give new meaning to everything. Even if I'm not good at speaking, my paintings can speak for me. I can recreate things through my own perspective and no one can invalidate it. I can create something beautiful and honest.

And I feel like Rozend is living inside me now. His heart will always be with me. His love for arts will always be in my heart. He taught me how to love art.

Nakarinig ako ng katok sa pinto ng silid ko. "Zen, may bisita ka," saad ni Mama nang buksan niya ang pinto.

Agad akong tumayo at naglakad sa pinto. I'm not sure but my heart is full of hope that my visitor is Rozend. It should be him, right? I don't expect anyone to come here anyway.

Nang buksan ni Mama nang tuluyan ang pinto, tumambad ang nakangiting mukha ni Shanty. I feel like I want to cry but I bite my lips to stop myself.

"Hi," nakangiting bati ni Shanty. "Can I come in? To talk?"

"Baba muna ako. Mag-uusap lang kami ni Rina," saad ni Mama habang malambot na nakatingin sa 'kin.

Marahan akong tumango kahit natatakot ako sa sasabihin ni Shanty. Hinayaan kong pumasok si Shanty sa silid ko. She scans my room in silent awe. Isinara ko ang pinto at saka ko lang napansin ang dala niyang paperbag at isang painting na nakabalot sa dyaryo.

"Wow! This is so interstellar!" saad niya na puno ng pagkamangha. Napangiti ako dahil pareho lang sila ng reaksiyon ng kapatid niya. She touches the Northern Lights as if she's mesmerized. "This Northern Lights is so beautiful."

"Rozend helped me in that one," mahinang saad ko. Natigilan si Shanty dahil sa sinabi ko at malungkot na ngumiti.

Napansin ni Shanty ang painting ni Rozend habang tumutugtog ng gitara. "My brother is so amazing, isn't he?" mahinang tanong niya. "I'm so proud of him."

"Yes. He is. Definitely amazing and talented," I agree. "Kumusta na siya?" nag-aalangang tanong ko.

Shanty turns to me with a small smile. "He's definitely happy now. With the stars."

Hindi ko nakontrol ang pagpatak ng luha ko. The sun sets and will never rise again. The pain in my heart advances in a new level. The pain is tearing me apart, shattering me into pieces. And I'm not really sure if I can be whole again. "I'm... I'm sorry to hear that."

"No. It's alright. We're actually sorry as well, Zen. Sorry we didn't tell you about his condition. People are really selfish beings, aren't they? We moved here because he wanted to start anew. Without anyone knowing his sickness. Where no one will pity his condition. Where no one will treat him as fragile and weak. He wanted to be normal even for a short while. He wanted to spend his remaining time with arts. And we're actually thankful that he meets you here. His stay here is worthwhile because of you. And he left something for you, Zen. Because he said you're his favorite person – his special one."

Ipinatong niya ang paperbag at painting sa ibabaw ng maliit na mesa. "This is for you."

Lumapit siya sa 'kin at marahang pinunasan ang luha sa pisngi ko. "Don't cry. We will move on from this. We will move on from the pain. We will move on from this darkness and find new light."

And I feel so bad because I'm certainly not the only one who's hurting. Shanty is hurting more than me. Rozend's family is hurting more than how I feel. Marahan akong tumango at ngumiti sa kanya. Pinilit kong magpakatatag.

"So are you going to stay in this town?" mahinang tanong ko.

Umiling siya. "We will move out now. Well, it's not like I'm not into arts. I just realize a new dream. I want to be a doctor. I want to save lives."

Marahan akong tumango. It seems she realized a new dream because of his brother. "I understand. Then we'll meet again, someday."

"Yes. By the way, we really love your painting. It's nice to see my brother in someone else's perspective. The sun fits him perfectly. Invite me to your art exhibit someday, alright? I'm sure my Mom will leave some contacts to your Mom."

"Sure. Thank you, Shanty. And take care," nakangiting saad ko sa kanya.

"Bye, Zen! 'Til we meet again!" nakangiting paalam niya. She leaves my room and I can only stare at the painting and the paperbag on the small table.

I unwrap the painting. Nakita ko ang isang nakatalikod na babae habang nagtatali ng papel sa bonsai tree. And I know this girl is me. There is a small note in there.

I don't want to forget my memories of you, Zen. And how you are making art without your notice.

I can only smile at his note with misty eyes. Ibinaba ko ang painting at binuksan ang paper bag. I see a small bonsai tree inside, full of paper strips tied on it. Mas lalong napuno ng luha ang mga mata ko. I also notice the small white envelope. Kinuha ko ito at naupo sa kama upang basahin ang sulat ni Rozend.

This is for you, Zen – my favorite person. You mustn't break your promise so I send you a new bonsai tree full of my thoughts. About me. About you. About us. And you can read them all without guilt.

I'm sorry for leaving. I know this hurts but people have time limits.

Thank you for this one special summer. You taught me a lot of things. You taught me how to love. You taught me how to live.

I hope you'll find someone who will stay and will never leave anymore. (Although I'm a little jealous of him.)

I will leave this small bonsai tree to you. If ever you want to write to me, you can add your thoughts here. I'll hear your thoughts up in the universe where I can freely live.

You have to move on.

With all you've got, live.

I don't know if I should still say this now that I'm gone. But I want you to know that I fell in love with you, Paris Zen del Rio. Your whole being is art and I love you. I need to say this because words left unsaid are always the painful ones. And I want to let go of the pain.

You are art, Zen. The most beautiful art.

There's still denial in my heart but maybe I should really face this. Maybe I should just accept that someone who was so amazing can be taken away by the universe. Maybe this is how life works. I fall in love with him too and maybe that's all that matters now. I notice another sheet of paper with a song he composed that makes my heart ached.

I am the sun, glowing and bright
But you don't know I'm a dying one
I have to say your thoughts are the brightest light
You are the star that survives the darkest night

I wish I have time to solve your mysteries
But life is not something I can bargain with

You are the universe but I have gone beyond
And I'm sorry for that.
You are the universe incarnate
But I miss the chance.

You are the late night talks that keep me awake and alive
You are the beauty that perfectly fits my canvas
You are my favorite person and I am yours
We are meant to be that is for sure

I wish I have time to solve your mysteries
But life is not something I can bargain with

You are the universe but I have gone beyond
And I'm sorry for that.
You are the universe incarnate
But I miss the chance.

You are art and once upon a time
there was a boy who fell in love with art
But some things went out of hand,
He can't go beyond the limit of this life.

You're just too good to miss...
Too good to miss...

Malalim na huminga ako habang patuloy sa paglandas ang luha sa pisngi ko. I take the paperbag and put the bonsai tree on the table near my window. And I'm happy that he never planned to leave like he never existed. He left his thoughts with me. I read some of his entries.

Interstellar

And I never thought
that the universe can be grasped,
that the universe is just within arm's reach,
that the universe can be held in someone's else palm,
that the universe can become a human
until I saw her interstellar room
– until I walk in her life
and she walks in mine.

Promise

And we make a promise I wish I can break
It only makes me crave
for your words and your thoughts.
But maybe we are from different galaxies
We can't cross each other's territories
– we can't cross our limits.

Remember

We paint the wall outside our limits
We paint the things we love to see
The sun, the sea, the sky, the trees
We paint a human stick of a boy and a girl
With hopes that the wall will remember us
– until the colors fade and disappear.

Paint in my Hands

I actually want to touch your face
but there is paint in my hands.
Well, maybe it's a good excuse
to touch your face.

Stars Born

You said stars can have stars within them
And two dying stars can be reborn as one.
So I wish I can be reborn and live inside you
when I am gone.

Art

I fall in love with art and you are art.
And we are meant to be even for a short while.

Zen

I love you to the universe and beyond.

I covered my mouth to stop the cries. Rozend will always be the fire burning in the rain – the sun shining despite the rain. Mariin akong napapikit. I don't want Rozend to worry in the afterlife. I want him to be happy wherever he is now. Even if the pain shatters me to pieces, I will live like I'm not hurting.

Narinig ko ang ingay ng makina ng sasakyan. I look outside my window and the rain almost clouded my view. Nakita ko ang papalayong sasakyan ng pamilya ni Rozend. And once again, Elaine's old house is left lonely.

Tears escape from my eyes. Rozend and Elaine will always be those books half unread. The books I am allowed to read but unfortunately I have to stop in the middle because that's where their stories end.

I look around the universe we created inside my room. They may have gone beyond but they will always have a space in my room, in my universe. I will let them live inside my heart.

I will live through this pain. I can walk out from this abyss of grief and pain once again. I will slowly piece myself together. I will become whole again.

~~~

A year passed by. My jumper is covered with paint stains and my neck is already aching from painting. I stretch my limbs and stand up. Once again it's summer. Kinuha ko ang susi ng pickup at nag-drive patungo sa beach na pinuntahan namin noon ni Rozend.

I may have moved on but he will always have a big part in my life. He has a big part of who I am today. Naglakad ako sa parte ng beach kung saan walang masyadong tao. I notice a boy who's playing his guitar near the seashore, away from the crowd. And he suddenly reminds me of Rozend. Maybe if he's still alive, we can still visit this place together. Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko.

One thing I learn in this life is to avoid the what ifs, especially if they are no longer possible.

It seems the boy notices my presence because he turns to me. His eyebrows crease for a while but suddenly a smile slowly forms on his lips. "Hey. You're that girl, right? The girl from the summer camp last year?"

Nang pagmasdan ko siya, bigla kong naalala kung saan ko siya nakita. Siya ang lalaking nabangga ko noon sa summer camp.

"Hindi mo na ako naaalala?" nag-aalangang tanong niya.

"I remember," mahinang sagot ko.

He smiles widely and his smile is contagious. "By the way, I'm Ramlhey. You can call me Ram," he said.

"I'm Zen," nakangiting sagot ko.

"So why are you here? Unwinding?" kunot-noong tanong niya.

Umiling ako. Tumingin ako sa maalong dagat. I want to watch the sunset here. I want to see the beauty of the setting sun. "I'm here to understand the universe," I said with a gentle smile.

"That's so complicated but cool," he commented with amazement.

"So why are you here?" tanong ko sa kanya nang lingunin ko siya.

He only smiles at me with uncertainty. "Hmmm. Will you listen?"

"Sure. I will listen. I'll hear you out," I said with a soft smile.

And from now on, I will pay attention to the people around me and avoid the absorption of my own life. Maybe if I did, I can save a life.

*** END ***