ZEN

I woke up from the sound of my cellphone's alarm. I slowly open my eyes and my right hand automatically reach out for my cellphone. Wala sa sariling pinatay ko ito pero halos mapabalikwas ako nang maalala ko kung nasaan ako. I just remembered that I am in the beach with Rozend and we're here to watch the sunset.

Natigilan ako nang may marinig akong mahinang tawa sa tabi ko. Nakataas ang kilay na bumaling ang tingin ko kay Rozend. He's still covered by the blanket but he's now facing me. His head leaning against the car's leather seat. And he looks like a child while staring at me. He's a little homey in that blanket.

"Bakit hindi mo ako ginising? Gising ka na pala," nakasimangot na saad ko. Pero naalala ko na kailangan ko palang itext si Mama na nakarating na kami sa beach kaya muling bumaling ang atensiyon ko sa cellphone at nagtype ng mensahe para kay Mama.

"Mas pagod ka kaysa sa 'kin. You're the driver," he reminds me.

I press the send button and frown at him. Pero hindi na ako nakipagtalo. Kinuha ko ang sandwich na ginawa ni Mama at ibinigay sa kanya.

"After eating, let's go. We can walk by the seashore and enjoy the view while waiting for the sunset. Hindi na masyadong mainit." Itiniklop ko ang blanket na gamit ko at ang blanket niya. We eat the sandwich and stare at the blue sea in front of the car park. He silently eats his fill and it seems he's no longer tired. I hope so.

When we're done eating, we grab our important things and head to the beach.

Nakasabit sa leeg ko ang dala kong camera. Ibinigay ko ang cellphone ko kay Rozend para ibulsa niya dahil wala akong bulsa. He only brings his cellphone while wearing his beach short, white comfy shirt and Havaianas flip flops.

I breathe in the salty sea air and I smile. The soft crashing waves against the seashore are like music to my ears and the blueness of the sea is so calming that I feel like I don't have anything to worry about while I'm staring at it. I'm wearing an orange sandals with string designs and the fine white sand are getting in my feet sometimes.

I take a photo of the splendid view of the sea touching the blue clear sky. I take a photo of the clear sea water and the sea's soft waves when we reached the shoreline. Maging ang mga seashells na nakikita ko ay kinukuhanan ko rin ng picture. I notice that Rozend takes a photo through his phone from time to time but most of the time he's just staring at the vastness of the sea in silent awe. And I know he appreciates the beauty that surrounds him.

I took a photo of him without thinking while he's still mesmerized of the sea's tranquil beauty. Napansin niya ang ginawa ko kaya lumingon siya sa 'kin. "That's not fair!" reklamo niya. I stuck my tongue out and run away from him but he chases after me. Malakas kaming tumatawa nang mahuli niya ako. He gently holds my wrist and take the camera from me.

"I'll take a photo of you," he offered with a bright smile. Itinapat niya sa 'kin ang camera at wala na akong nagawa kundi ang ngumiti sa camera. I awkwardly hold my right arm with my left hand. I'm a little conscious and I don't know how to pose in that camera especially when he's the photographer. I'm really glad I'm not posing for a painting.

"Just be natural, Zen," he said. I frowned and rolled my eyes. Well, this is my natural.

He chuckles when he sees my reaction and I wonder if he captures that moment using my camera. Well, no problem. I can just delete it anyway. Inirapan ko siya at tinalikudan upang maglakad sa dalampasigan.

Basa na ang sandals ko dahil sa alon na banayad na humahampas sa mga paa ko. But I like the cool salty water touching my feet. The sea breeze touches the back of my neck and I'm just glad that I tied my hair in a bun and my hair isn't blown by the wind.

Nang lingunin ko si Rozend, ngumiti siya sa 'kin habang nakatutok pa rin sa 'kin ang camera ko. Nakasimangot na binalikan ko siya.

"Let's take a picture together," he said. Tumabi siya sa 'kin at itinutok niya ang lens ng camera sa 'ming dalawa. Humalukipkip ako at sumimangot sa camera. Nang tingnan niya ang shot namin, tumawa lang siya. "Ngumiti ka naman, Lola. Isa pa."

He took another shot and this time I smiled with an awkward peace sign while he's smiling from ear-to-ear with contentment in his caramel eyes. At dahil matangkad siya, kailangan pa niyang yumuko para maging magkatapat ang mga mukha namin.

When he checks the shot, he smiled. "Beautiful," he whispers.

"Thank you," pang-aasar ko sa sinabi niya. I think he's referring to the photograph and not me though.

Bumaling ang tingin niya sa 'kin at nang-aasar na ngumiti. "Welcome."

He continued to browse the shots and his smile turns wider than before. "Ang gwapo ko pala."

Sumilip ako sa shot na tinitingnan niya. It's his photo while he's sleeping. Bahagyang namula ang mga pisngi ko. "That's for the project," irap ko sa kanya.

"Wala naman akong sinabing kakaiba," pang-aasar niya.

"Akin na nga 'yan," I said and I grab the camera away from him. Tumawa lang siya. Naglakad ako sa tuyong buhangin at umupo roon. Sumunod naman sa 'kin si Rozend at tumabi sa kinauupuan ko.

I noticed that the sky started to change colors and the sun is starting to set. I took a photo of it too.

"Zen, are you up to some deep talks?" he asked while staring at the captivating sky.

"What's the topic?" I asked. I'm into deep talks and I like him when he's uncovering his thoughts.

"Do you think heaven is real?"

"Hmmm... Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I like to think that after suffering here on earth, there's a place where everything will be paid off, where we can finally rest and our journey will be considered worth it. Because what's the sense of us living here if we can't reach a much better place, right?" malalim na sagot ko at bahagyang tumingin sa kanya. He turned to me with a relieved and satisfied smile.

"I like talking to you because you're making me feel better," he honestly said.

"And I like this deep talks with you," I honestly said back. He should know that he doesn't have to hesitate opening up with me.

A shy smile slowly forms his lips. "So you believe that God is real?"

"God is real, yes," diretsong sagot ko. "Because who created all the beauty in front of us? I don't think this is magic or from a big bang or from the sudden collision of molecules and atoms. Everything we see has a purpose and I don't think science can design this purpose. Everything in this universe is just too perfect to become a coincidence."

"But what if you know you will die tomorrow but you don't want to die yet, what will you do? Will you get angry at Him? Or will you just live your last day, accept the truth and just be grateful of your journey?" he continued.

Saglit akong nag-isip. The topic is getting too deep but I like our deep conversation because I can freely open up to him. "I don't have the right to be angry at Him. I'm just His mere creation but a mere creation He cherishes above all. And He considers me the most beautiful and I think His love is enough to accept my fate. But I don't want to die tomorrow. At least give me a month so that I can prepare a bucketlist and do all the possible things I can accomplish," I joked. "But before I die, I like to think that I have already accomplished the great purpose God entrusted me. And that's why He's already letting me rest."

Ngumiti at tumango si Rozend na tila nagustuhan ang sagot ko. "What's in your bucketlist?"

"Let's see. Swim in the sea. Eat delicious food. Spend an outing with my family. Go to the hill. Watch the most beautiful sunset and sunrise this world can offer. And finish my painting of you. I want to leave something behind and be remembered," nakangiting sagot ko. I noticed the sparkle in his eyes as he stares back at me. I think he likes to hear that I'll finish his painting.

"What about you? Do you believe in God and heaven? What will you do if you know you'll die tomorrow? Will you be angry at Him? Your bucketlist?" I bombarded him with questions.

He chuckles when he hears my consecutive questions. "Heaven is real. Because if there is heaven then death is true freedom. Death won't be painful anymore and I won't be afraid. God is real and I agree with what you have said that everything has its own purpose and He gave meaning to us all. If I'll die tomorrow, I will live my life to the fullest today. I can't be angry at Him because I don't have enough time to do so," he also joked and I laughed. "Part of my bucketlist are to see the sunset and to paint you. I also want to leave a trace of my footsteps behind." Tumango ako at ngumiti sa kanya. We're not that different.

"So what if I die? Will you cry?" he suddenly asked.

Natigilan ako sa tanong niya. I just met him for weeks and even though we just shared a few weeks together, he already occupied a big part of my life, of my healing. "Of course, I'll cry but I can't let you worry even in death. I can't let your soul be burdened although I probably did it with Elaine's soul. You don't have to worry about me. I'll move on even if it takes months. I'll just fight harder."

"I'm glad I don't have to worry about you. Well, I'm never worried, you know why?" he smiled kindly at me.

"Why?" kunot-noong tanong ko.

"Because, maybe you haven't realized it yet, but you're slowly healing from Elaine's death. You are slowly healing from the grief you never thought you can heal from."

"It's thanks to you," I almost whispered but he catches it.

"No, it's all your effort, Zen. Because walking out of the abyss is your own choice and you victoriously survive the breaking. And that's why I don't have to worry because you are strong. Because no matter how life will try to wreck you, to devastate you, you will stand up to live and show life that you are stronger than its judgement, that you are unbreakable." I notice the admiration in his eyes as he stares at me and that makes me blush. I tear away from his gaze.

I doubt that I'm really that strong. But I want to believe in him. Maybe we can believe together.

I stare at the sky and the sun is already leaving. "The sun's setting," I reminded him.

"Yeah. What a beautiful way of exit," he said. Tumayo siya at pinagpagan ang buhangin sa shorts niya. Naglakad siya patungo sa dagat hanggang sa mabasa ang mga paa niya ng alon. The sunset is giving off beautiful, captivating colors. The sky is covered by tinge of red, orange, pink and violet. And the sun is a ball of blazing red orange. I capture the magnificent sunset in my camera.

When I look at Rozend, he is covered by the beautiful lights of the setting sun and right there, I finally figure how to paint the sun in him. I quickly take a photo of him because I don't want to miss such a moment.

I suddenly realize something. Perfection is boring because he's beyond it. He is a living art.

But I suddenly notice the change in his face. He winces and I'm not sure if it is due to the light coming from the sun or from the invisible pain I'm not aware of. He looks uncomfortable and his eyebrows scrunches. Agad akong tumayo at naglakad patungo sa kanya.

"Rozend?" nag-aalalang tawag ko nang tumigil ako sa harap niya.

Pilit siyang ngumiti sa 'kin. "I'm alright. Just a little headache, Zen. Can you lend me a shoulder for a while?" Hindi na ako nakatanggi dahil lumapat na ang noo niya sa kanang balikat ko. "Thank you, Zen."

"Ginawa mo pa talagang unan ang balikat ko?" Nakaangat ang kilay na tanong ko.

He chuckled. I stood awkwardly in front of him and there's only silence between us for a moment.

"Zen..."

"Hmmm?"

"Zen, I'm a little afraid."

"Of what?"

"Of everything. Of the unknown."

"I don't understand but you know sometimes the unknown can be the best experience, right?"

"Uhm."

"Rozend, you're the sun and you're glowing too bright to be scared of the unknown. Just burn your fears down until you're free from them," I said.

"But the sun is a star and stars can die," reklamo niya.

"But stars can be reborn. Because stars can have stars within them. Even two dying stars can be born as one," I said and I'm not really sure if I'm making any sense. What are we even talking about?

Mahina siyang tumawa sa pakikipagtalo ko. "I feel better now. Let's go home."

***