ZEN

Wednesday and I already return from school. Napapagod na ipinatong ko ang bag ko sa ibabaw ng kama. It feels like three days are quite long and exhausting. Maybe when you're waiting or thinking of someone, days feel a little longer than usual.

I check my cellphone and read my last message to him. How's your day, Rozend?

And it makes me sadder that he doesn't reply after that message. I want to hate him for not replying but it's not his obligation. What if he's busy? I want to ask him again but I don't want to be a nuisance. How's your day, Rozend? What are you doing now? I miss your sunny glow.

Nakagat ko ang labi ko. So this happens when you miss someone. You suddenly wonder what they're doing. You suddenly want to be a part of their day. And seeing them is already enough to make you whole again.

But I don't want this kind of feeling. I want to be whole on my own. I don't want anyone to complete me because I can complete myself.

But this time, it's different. He steals something from me. And I can't figure out what exactly is that. But maybe I should just let this feeling grow. Because it's a feeling I have for Rozend. And he's one of a kind. He's the sun I need to light up my days. He's the sun I need to be okay. Maybe it's acceptable to give a part of yourself to someone you think is worth it.

Bumuntong-hininga ako habang nakatingin nang malungkot sa cellphone ko. Tiningnan ko ang painting na nakabalot na sa dyaryo. I already finished his painting. I put my all in it. I want to see him smile when he sees it because his smile is the brightest smile I wish to see again.

Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang biglang tumunog ang hawak kong cellphone. Lumundag ang puso ko nang mabasa ang pangalan ni Rozend sa screen. Bakit kung kailan nag-eemote ako, saka siya tumatawag? Naramdaman ba niya? Telepathy?

Kinalma ko ang sarili nang sagutin ko ang tawag niya. "Hello?" nag-aalangang saad ko.

"Hello, Lola," he cheerfully greeted. And I can imagine his bright smile behind the line. Maybe I'm already losing my mind for thinking of that. It's his fault though.

"Bakit ngayon ka lang nagparamdam?" inis na tanong ko.

He chuckles. "Para mas ma-miss mo 'ko?"

Bumuntong-hininga ako. "Kailan ang balik ninyo?"

"Malapit na," sagot niya.

"Bakit ka tumawag?" Nakataas ang kilay na tanong ko pero sa totoo lang, masaya ako.

"Because... I miss you," sagot niya sa mahinang boses. Napaawang ang labi ko. How should I react? Gusto kong kiligin pero hindi ako pwedeng tumili, 'di ba? Kalma. "My Mom's in the house preparing something. My sister's out to buy food. And I don't have anyone to talk to. I can only think of you."

I roll my eyes. Assuming lang pala ako. "Ah, wala kang makausap kaya mo ako naisip?"

Mahina siyang tumawa.

Kumunot-noo ako. "Pero sabi mo nasa bahay ang Mama mo, 'di ba? Umuwi siya rito?"

"Ah. She's not in Serene. Sa totoong bahay namin."

Natigilan ako. "Kung may bahay kayo, ibig sabihin... wala talaga kayong balak tumira rito?"

Sandaling natahimik siya. "Zen... I... I really want to stay."

Naramdaman ko ang bigat ng boses niya. "Is there a problem with staying?"

"There's no problem with that, Zen. It's something I can't tell you now. Not through the phone," mahinang sagot niya. "But I'll see you when I can. I'll tell you when I'm... ready."

Nahihirapang humiga ako sa kama at tumitig sa kisame na puno ng mga bituin. Siguro mas maiintindihan ko siya kapag sinabi niya ang dahilan. Maghihintay ako. "Then I'll listen when you're ready. What are you doing now?"

"Hmmm. I'm painting. While looking outside the window, staring at the sky. You should look outside your window too. How's the sky?"

Nagmamadaling bumangon ako at binuksan ang bintana. I sit on the window seat and look up in the clear blue sky. I smile. "It's the bluest without clouds hanging around," sagot ko.

"What a coincidence! It's the same here," he said in a cheerful voice and that makes me laugh. I guess he's trying so hard.

"I like to think that we're looking at the same sky right now. So we can't feel we're that far apart," mahinang saad niya.

"Wala ka talagang magawa 'no?" natatawang tanong ko.

"Bakit? May ginagawa ka ba?" pang-aasar niya.

I smile and stare at the blue sky. "Indeed. We're looking at the same sky. We're under the same sky."

"Are you smiling right now?" he asks.

"Yes."

"Because of me?"

"Because of the sky," I countered.

"Hello, I'm sky," he insists and that makes me laugh.

"Baliw." Pero nasapo ko ang aking kaliwang pisngi na bahagyang nag-iinit at namumula.

He chuckles heartily. "Wait for me until we can look at the same sky together, alright?"

"I'll wait. But come back soon."

"I'll come back. Definitely."

~~~

Thursday. Today I'm thinking of what to paint for the individual project. Wala pa ring pumapasok sa isip ko. Should I just paint my family? I'm going through the photos in my camera. Napangiti ako nang makita ang larawan namin ni Rozend habang nakangiti siya at nakasimangot ako. Mas lalo akong napangiti nang makita ang mga larawan ko na nakatalikod kay Rozend at naglalakad sa dalampasigan, habang humahampas ang mabining alon sa mga paa ko. Napangiti rin ako nang makita ang natutulog na si Rozend at ang larawan kung saan gumuguhit siya sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga katabi ang kanyang gitara.

My face turns solemn when I see the next pictures – my photos with Elaine. She's smiling brightly at the camera with her natural wavy hair. We're both on the beach swimming together. Some photos are taken on my Ford pickup with the mahogany trees on the background. Some are taken on the hill while we are watching the dark sky to stargaze or waiting for the beautiful sun to set. Good times.

And I suddenly miss her. She's the only friend who I can share these feelings with. I mean having a crush with someone, having this weird feelings growing in my heart, I hope she knows all these things that are happening to me now. I want to share because she left too early before she can even experience these things.

I suddenly stand up. Nagbihis ako at nagsuot ng itim na jacket at maong shorts. I will visit her grave and release all these rainy and confusing feelings in my heart. Nagpaalam ako kay Mama at nagmadaling nagtungo sa sementeryo.

Nang makaupo ako sa harap ng puntod ni Elaine na nababalutan ng bermuda grass, nagsimula akong magsulat.

How are you, Elaine? Sorry. I didn't visit you for the past days. You missed me, right?

Lately, I'm experiencing some rainy days because the sun was suddenly covered by dark, heavy clouds.

I'm missing someone so bad that it hurts.

I think I'm having a crush with someone but he's a mysterious one. Unfortunately, you're not able to meet him. But he's an amazing person. You'll surely root for him.

I wonder why his family suddenly left the town. I can't ask because I don't think I'm allowed to.

As long as he'll come back then it will be alright.

When he's ready to open up, I'll listen. I will always listen.

Itinali ko ang mga isinulat ko sa kanang bahagi ng bonsai. I write more entries.

Wherever you are, I hope we're always looking at the same sky.

I miss you so don't make me wait any longer.

But I will still patiently wait even if it takes you much longer to come back.

Itinali ko ang mga ito sa gitnang bahagi ng bonsai at itinabi sa ibang nakatali roon. Siguro naman hindi ito mababasa ni Rozend. Wala naman siya rito.

Napansin ko ang mga papel na nakalagay sa kaliwang bahagi ng bonsai, sa bahaging para kay Rozend. May ilang mga papel na nakatali roon. Niyakap ko ang mga tuhod ko habang nakatitig sa mga papel. Gusto kong basahin ang mga entries niya pero hindi ko maaaring sirain ang pangako ko.

So when you're alone and you know no one's looking, it's tempting to break rules, huh. But I want to keep my integrity so I won't break my promise. I want to be trusted. If I can't even keep this small promise, then what else can I still keep? Nothing.

But my eyes suddenly turn misty. I feel so deprived right now. I feel like there's something I cannot have no matter how much I want it. This isn't good. I really want to read his entries that bad.

"Bumalik ka na kasi Rozend. Babasahin ko na talaga 'to kapag nawala ka pa nang mas matagal. Bahala ka," naiiyak na pagbabanta ko kahit wala akong kausap.

Tumulo ang mga luha ko at isinubsob ang mukha sa mga tuhod ko. I don't know for how long I cried but I'm sure I cried until I dried my tear glands up.

"Zen?" tanong ng isang malalim na tinig mula sa likod ko.

It's the familiar voice I wish I can hear right now. My eyes turn misty once again. I thought I already dried my tears up but I'm wrong. Nilingon ko si Rozend na nakangiti sa 'kin habang nakatayo sa likod ko dala ang kanyang gitara.

"Hey, you're crying? Why? You miss your friend?" magaang tanong niya at nakangiting tumabi sa 'kin.

Kind of. But more accurately, I miss you. It's your fault.

And right then, the dark clouds slowly scatter and disappear. The sun shines once again.

Tumingala siya habang malawak na nakangiti. "Now we're finally looking at the same sky."

***