ZEN

Nagising ako sa katok sa pinto. "Ma, bababa na ako mamaya!" sigaw ko. Nang tingnan ko ang orasan, alas-siyete pa lang ng umaga. I've been sleeping longer since Elaine died. Well, sleep is for the lonely indeed.

"Nakita ko si Rozend kanina na nagdidilig ng halaman. Sabi niya, ipaalala ko raw sa 'yo na magre-register kayo mamaya sa Summer Camp. Alas-nuwebe," masayang sabi ni Mama sa labas ng silid ko. Mahinang napaungol ako dahil sa pagkainis. Oo nga pala. Simula nang pumayag akong maging kaibigan siya palagi na lang siyang nangungulit. Next week na ang summer camp at pwede ng magregister ngayon.

Pero bakit pa niya kailangang iparating sa Mama ko ang mensahe ko kung pwede naman niyang i-text? Siguro dahil hindi ko rin papansinin ang mensahe niya.

Nag-unat-unat muna ako bago bumangon sa kama. "Bababa na po ako," saad ko. Rozend is breaking my habit of long sleeps since he came in this town.

"O sige! Kumain ka na," masiglang saad ni Mama. She is happy of the changes these past few days.

Nagsepilyo ako at naghilamos. Nagsusuklay ako ng buhok habang pababa ng hagdan, suot ang pantulog at pajama ko.

Nang mapansin ako ni Josh, agad siyang ngumiti sa 'kin. He's sitting on the sofa while strumming on his guitar with his still messy hair and an innocent curious look. He's trying so hard to listen to every note while changing his finger's position from chord to chord. My father bought a guitar for him yesterday because of his sudden interest in music. Si Rozend ang may kasalanan.

"Aga mong nagising, Ate Painter," he commented. Ngumiti ako sa kanya at nilapitan siya. Marahan kong ginulo ang buhok niya.

"Talagang pinag-iigihan mo ang paggigitara ha!"

Mahinang tumawa si Josh. "Wala kasing magawa. Saka kailan mo ba itutuloy ang pagpipinta sa silid mo? Tutulong ako sa spray painting!" masiglang wika niya. I'm not really sure why but it seems my whole family is made of sun. I just noticed that everyone's smiling so brightly and I'm the only one who's gloomy. Ampon ba ako?

Maybe there are really circumstances that can drastically change a person. Sometimes life is just getting out of hand.

Marahang pinisil ko ang pisngi niya. "Saka na," kibit-balikat na sagot ko. At dumiretso na ako sa dining table upang kumain. My mother is cleaning utensils in the kitchen sink and she smiles at me when our eyes meet.

"The summer camp is one month long, right? Mamimili ka ba ng mga gagamitin mo? Canvas? Oil paints? Palettes?" she asked energetically. "Samahan ba kita o sasama sa 'yo si Rozend?"

"Ma, mukhang mas excited ka pa kaysa sa 'kin," napapailing na saad ko pero hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti. I like how she's being so supportive. Not all parents do that. I'm just glad that she's my mother. She's a patient and loving one.

"Did you just smile?" nakangiting tanong sa 'kin ni Mama at inilapit pa niya ang mukha niya sa 'kin upang mas mapagmasdan akong mabuti. Nahihiyang nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "Masaya ako at medyo nagiging maayos ka na simula ng dumating sina Rozend. I hope you'll make more friends in the summer camp. You only live once so make the most out of it, alright sweetie?"

Marahan akong tumango. Yes. She's right. We only live once. And I just realized that Elaine missed a lot in this lifetime. Maybe I shouldn't waste my life after all. Maybe I should live for the things she couldn't live for. Maybe she would be able to experience things through me. Like she's living inside me. I want to live with this resolve right now.

"Smile more. Sincere and honest," she reminded me with a fresh smile. Ipinagpatuloy na niya ang paglilinis ng kusina. Nang matapos akong kumain, hinugasan ko na ang pinagkainan ko at tumulong kay Mama sa paglilinis. Pagkatapos ay naligo na ako dahil tiyak na mamaya lang ay susulpot na sa bahay namin si Rozend. Masyado na siyang at home sa bahay namin.

I wear a white shirt matching with my maong jumper pants. Sinigurado kong may dala akong papel at ballpen sa sling bag ko. Sinuklay ko ang mahaba at tuwid na itim kong buhok. My brown eyes stared back at me in the mirror. I noticed that the trace of loneliness in my eyes are slowly fading away. I have a premonition that it will be lively and bright soon. Nakagat ko ang aking mapulang labi. Sa palagay ko, naiimpluwensiyahan na rin ako ni Rozend. Umupo ako sa kama at isinuot ko ang puting sneakers ko.

Nang bumaba ako sa sala, nakita ko si Rozend na tinuturuan si Josh sa paggigitara. He smiled at me when he saw me. He even waved his one hand in the air. Too friendly. Gosh! Tumango ako sa kanya.

"Kuya Rozend, tutulong ka rin ba sa pagpipinta sa silid ni Ate Painter? Masaya 'yon!" masiglang tanong ni Josh sa kanya.

"Kailan? Sure!" agad na sagot ni Rozend kaya hindi ko napigilan ang pag-ikot ng aking mga mata.

"Hindi ko alam e. Siguro kapag bumalik na inspirasyon niya sa pagpipinta? Pero siguro malapit na kasi magsu-summer camp kayo, di ba?" inosenteng saad ni Josh. "Ano palang sasalihan mo doon? Music?"

Mahinang tumawa si Rozend at may ibinulong kay Josh na hindi ko narinig. Lumapit ako kay Mama at iniabot niya sa 'kin ang perang ibabayad sa summer camp. "Ito, pambayad sa Summer Camp. Bukas na lang kayo mamili ni Rozend ng gamit. Kapag may listahan na kayo ng mga bibilhin."

Tumango ako at itinago ang pera sa bag ko. I'm really amazed how my mother knows what I need. Without me saying anything. And it seems she would never give up on me no matter what. I just want to hug her right now. I want her to feel that she's one of the precious gifts I received in this lifetime. Tahimik na niyakap ko siya na ikinatigil niya.

"Wow, what's this?" she asked with an amused voice. "I miss this," mahinang sabi niya nang mahigpit niya akong yakapin pabalik. "Simula ng mawala si Elaine hindi mo na ako niyayakap, nagtatampo na ako. Mabuti na lang unti-unti ka ng bumabalik sa dati." Mahina akong natawa sa himig ng pagtatampo sa kanyang tinig.

"I miss you too, Ma," mahinang wika ko. I smell her familiar lavender scent. Her scent calms me down. Her scent comforts me. She is home. Someone who only wants the best for me and someone who'll stay beside me even in my ups and downs. "And thank you. I'll try to be okay now. You don't have to worry anymore."

"It's not that. If you're not okay, then don't pretend to be okay. Not okay is alright too. Hindi ko lang gusto na hindi mo sinasabi ang iniisip mo at nararamdaman mo. Gusto ko marinig kung ano ang gumugulo sa 'yo. Para magawan natin ng paraan. Gusto kitang maintindihan. I want to help you in bad times," malambot na saad ni Mama. I blinked the tears away. "I want you to open up and not suffer alone. You can count on me."

Marahan akong tumango. Kumalas na ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya at ngumiti. "I'll keep that in mind. Alis na po kami ni Rozend," paalam ko.

She gave me a satisfied smile. "Sige. Mag-iingat kayo." Dumiretso na ako sa sala at tinapik ang balikat ni Rozend na abala sa pagtuturo kay Josh.

"Tara na," yaya ko sa kanya. Rozend wears a black shirt and ripped jeans with his black and blue sneakers. I'm not sure why but I noticed his love for dark colors.

"Alis na kayo?" Josh asked with a little hint of disappointment. Ngumiti ako sa kanya at ginulo ang buhok niya.

"Oo! Samahan mo si Mama sa bahay! Huwag makulit!" paalala ko sa kanya.

Humaba ang nguso niya. "Hindi naman ako makulit. Sige, Ate Painter. Ako na ang bahala rito," saad niya at ngumisi. He even gave me a thumbs up. Napailing ako. Walang dalang gitara si Rozend ngayong araw. Well, we will only register. Hindi pa naman niya kailangan ng gitara.

Nang makarating kami sa Serenity Arts University, napansin ko na marami na ring tao ang nakapila sa registration at sa cashier. Kumuha kami ng form at tahimik na nag-fill up. I signed up for the painting workshop. Nang tingnan ko ang papel ni Rozend, nagsalubong ang mga kilay ko nang mabasang sa painting workshop din siya papasok.

"You can paint?" gulat na tanong ko sa kanya.

Ngumisi siya sa 'kin. "Bakit gulat na gulat ka? Wala ba sa itsura ko?"

I pouted. "Akala ko sa music workshop ka sasali." Akala ko rin makakalusot na ako sa kakulitan niya. Although I hate to admit it but I'll be lonely in the painting workshop without him. Sinilip din niya ang form ko.

"Paris Zen del Rio. Nice name, Lola," he commented with an amused tone. I rolled my eyes.

"Lolo," pang-aasar ko pabalik sa kanya. Hindi talaga niya ako tinitigilan sa pagtawag niya ng Lola kaya mas mabuting asarin ko na lang din siya pabalik. It will only exhaust me to argue with him.

Ngumiti lang siya pero hindi nagkomento na lihim kong ikinainis. Hindi ba talaga siya naaapektuhan kahit ano'ng sabihin ko? Ipinasa namin ang papel sa registration at nagbayad sa cashier. Nang matapos, kinuha na namin ang listahan ng materyales na kailangan naming bilhin para sa pagpipinta.

Sometimes, I'm staring at Rozend, unhappily. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwalang marunong siyang magpinta.

"Ano? Hindi ka pa rin makapaniwala?" nakangiting tanong ni Rozend nang mapansin niya ang tingin ko sa kanya.

"Hindi talaga halata e," naiiling na sagot ko. "Parang kaduda-duda."

"Hindi ba talaga halata? Hmmm... my room is a mess because of some unfinished canvas and paints. Do you want to check it out? Para maniwala ka na?" nakangising tanong ni Rozend. "I only turn to music when I'm feeling lost."

"So you have those moments too?" nakaangat ang kilay na tanong ko.

"Of course! I'm human. It's only normal to feel lost. I don't know everything. I don't have answers to everything. And in nature, we, humans, are curious beings. That's why we tend to be more creative and seeking but more often – lost," he answered like he was some kind of a philosopher.

"Why do you want to paint?" I asked him. Naglalakad na kami palabas sa university.

"I want to recreate beautiful things. I want them to be tangible, at least, through a painting. I want to share how I see things in my point of view," malambot ang boses na sagot niya. "Ikaw... bakit ka nagpipinta?"

Natigilan ako. I only love painting because my best friend loved it. I don't have any specific reasons at all. I suddenly realize that I'm like an empty shell. My happiness depends on other people and that sucks. "You know I only paint because of my bestfriend," mahinang sagot ko. "I don't have a specific reason." I look a little dejected. I discovered I'm not really that passionate about painting.

"You'll discover it soon. Art is a form of self-expression and self-expression is about self. It's about you. It's personal," he said to comfort me. Sometimes his wisdom amazes me. I like how he's helping me understand. "Should we visit her grave?" he asked with a smile.

Tumango ako. Dumiretso kami sa sementeryo. Binigyan ko siya ng papel at ballpen kung sakaling gusto man niyang magsulat.

"What's your favorite topic?" tanong niya sa 'kin.

"Topic? Na pwedeng pag-usapan?" Tumango siya. Saglit akong nag-isip. "The universe fascinates me."

He smiled. "I figured. Did you also dream of being an astronaut?" he asked and teased me at the same time.

"Yeah. It will never happen though," nakasimangot na sagot ko.

"Should we trace the constellation tonight? You see I noticed the mango tree in the middle of our rooms," nahihiyang saad niya. He smiled at me with uncertainty. Na parang hindi siya sigurado kung papayag ako.

"Elaine and I used to trace the constellation after climbing that mango tree." I opened up. Hindi ako sanay na nakikita siyang nahihiya.

"Then we should do that too!" he said with thrill. His eyes twinkle like a child and he's really looking forward to it. Hindi ko siya matanggihan kapag ganito na ang itsura niya.

"Alright. If you write a poem or prose about the universe that satisfies me then I'll agree," pang-aasar ko.

Ngumiti siya nang malapad at nagsimulang magsulat sa papel na ibinigay ko sa kanya. Tahimik na rin akong nagsulat sa papel ko.

My heart is full right now. The dark thoughts can't even seep inside my head. It's hard to write something sad when you're not sad, right?

Are you happy there now, Elaine? I'll try to be okay now.

I'm still kind of lost. Will someone find me?

Don't be afraid. You'll adjust. You'll cope like you always do.

It's nice to have someone who will never give up on you. I love my Mom.

Maybe it only takes one person who listens and believes in you to be okay.

Itinali ko ang mga ito sa kanang bahagi ng bonsai.

Nagsulat din ako ng maikling prose dahil sa suggestion kanina ni Rozend.

Looking at the stars somehow eases the pain,

You are attracted to the light,

And their shine and luster are so contagious,

You can only smile.

Itinali ko ito sa gitnang bahagi ng bonsai. Rozend tied up something too. Nang makita niya ang itinali ko, agad niya itong kinuha upang basahin. Kinuha ko rin ang itinali niya sa bonsai.

We are small and insignificant but

astonishing how the universe brought us together

despite its vastness.

And why is that?

Maybe it's crying and pleading for help.

Because we're the ones who can unfold and solve its own mysteries.

And the universe can only rely on us.

Nang mabasa niya ang isinulat ko, muli siyang nagsulat at itinali ito sa gitnang bahagi na binasa ko agad.

Don't you think it's amazing to become a star?

You can still shine even when you're dead and gone.

Maybe he's right. It's amazing to be a star and I hope Elaine is shining with the stars now. Napansin kong may itinali siya sa kaliwang bahagi na hindi ko na maaaring basahin. I'm so curious and I can't get enough of his words. I have the urge to read it but I stop myself.

I can't break a promise.

***

Author's note: 

Thanks to this gorgeous book cover!

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