16

incipient

(in an initial stage)

27th July, 2023

THE distance from the near-by funeral hall to Ju Ho's bakery was pretty long. He had not really realised when and why he had chosen to walk such a long distance without any prior experience. Maybe, because Han Ju Ho was battling with different emotions and couldn't find the rationality to get a rented car.

The rough texture of the uncleaned pavement made his old black boots squeak against his surface. The storm of the day before had made trees part with most of their leaves which lied right on the surface. He could see a cleaner sweeping the pavement in the periphery.

The black coat hung on his shoulders, not complimenting his body's contours. It didn't look like it had been tailored for him. Ju Ho couldn't understand how the coat was not fitting him properly. He had definitely lost a visible amount of weight, considering how loosely it was fitting him. He was thinking about making a new one because of how tight it was, even a few months ago.

A cloud of the distinctive smell of the funeral hall's incense sticks, still loomed around him. He could feel its imprint on him as if his inner conscience was asking him whether he was capable of doing his responsibility properly. Mrs. Hong had been dear to him. Not just as a human being he was partly taking care of secretly but also someone he knew personally to some extent.

He was feeling disheartened because he had been particularly attentive towards the elderly lady. Maybe, he had even grown fond of her smile. She had been kind to him, afterall. He had always been a cheerful newspaper boy to her.

Cheerful.

Whas he really someone who could use that adjective? That was highly debatable. To himself, he was nothing but a rotten apple who had been painted with realistic hues of red from the outside. 

Maybe it was the same for Mrs. Hong too. It was hard to see through her without knowing how her personal life actually was. She was always in high spirits, making sure to look out for everyone. How many knew about her son who had lost his life in the battlefield and had also sacrificed another back at home, in the process too?

It must have had crushed her heart and she had tried her best to cope with that. The memories must have been painful for her and questions about why she had to face such a situation would have been a part of her life. Yet, she had battled with life for decades, ultimately succumbing to health issues.

He crushed the white chrysanthemum that was in the grasp of his hand, with all his force. That was the only way he could express his remorse. To him, she was a strong woman who lived even though she had no one to hold close. It was especially painful for him to see her demise because Mrs. Hong used to  remark often about how similar he looked as compared to her deceased son.

He had managed to convince her neighbours to hold her funeral. Her chamber looked so dull, having no one to pay respect to her life's end. Ju Ho had spent almost an hour there, arranging flower bouquets and putting her treasured sweater near her picture. He couldn't control the tears that had rolled out of eyes. A sharp bitterness was now occupying his heart.

As his feet dragged him towards the familiar surroundings of his neighbourhood, his gaze got caught on a truck standing right infront of his building. He quickened his pace to see what it was all about. It was unusual for such a big vehicle to stand right infront of his gate.

He could see Ye Bin descending from the staircase with a large canvas all by herself. She was visibly struggling to see the steps and carry that altogether. The truck driver seemed to care the least about helping her. He was leaning against the wall, smoking a cheap looking cigarette stick.

He couldn't help but rush to her aid. With rushed steps, he caught hold of the canvas and managed to take it from her hands.

"Let me help." he offered, with a coarse voice.

Ye Bin was taken by surprise when she saw him. Ju Ho looked really different.  His eyes were slightly red at the edges as if he had been crying earlier. His sunny cheeks were barely visible because of a growing layer of beard.

She didn't protest. Or rather, could not. Her feet carried her right behind his stature, thinking about why he was looking like that. His dull black suit told her that he had been to a funeral hall before arriving home.

A line of thoughts took over her mind. She thought hard about whether he had ever mentioned any family to her. Surprisingly, he didn't. Ye Bin realised that she really did not know much about him. She had talked to him a lot but somehow they still didn't know practically anything about their roots or background.

"Just put it inside the space behind the truck." she instructed, earning just a silent nod from him.

With a great deal of efforts, he placed the carefully packed canvas inside. Ye Bin held the other side of it so that it would be easier to do so.

"Mister, please don't smoke here." Ju Ho rubbed his hands as he looked at the driver, crossly.

The driver muttered a few profanities under his breath and took a good look at Ju Ho's profile before crushing the cigarette roughly on the wall. The forcefully extinguished stick, left a visible mark on the wall and the stick fell down on the floor with a small heap of ash.

He closed the tailgate of the truck roughly, giving rise to a momentarily loud clamour. Ye Bin squinted her eyes as her hands went on top of her ears, instinctively. Ju Ho was still staring at the driver, throwing daggers from them and the driver looked vexed too.

To make the atmosphere light, she mildly reminded the driver to have a safe journey about how fragile her canvas was. She got a haughty remark from the driver that he didn't want to listen to her dramatic concerns because he had more experience about the road.

It wasn't until he left that Ye Bin got the chance to take a good look at Ju Ho again.
They had not seen much of each other since that day. Ju Ho had even stopped strolling around, in his little garden. She had waited for him expectantly, everyday while doing her laundry, under the mellow sun. However, he had never really shown up.

Occassionally, she had peeped from her door to see if he was around. Well, running into Ju Ho suddenly looked like a mission she was being unable to complete. She was struck by a realisation that how she was very used to seeing him around her. It was very unlikely to not see atleast one glimpse of him throughout the entire day.

Ye Bin had tried to persuade herself into thinking that it was probably because of other reasons including his busy schedule. However, she had ended up pinning the blame onto herself. It was funny how she had thought of Ju Ho as the nosy one initially. Thanks to the sudden turn of events, she had ended up taking away the title.

Surely, he was not too pleased about that. He had looked nothing like it. His eyes seemed to be disturbingly blank. It occurred to her later that she had behaved way out of character. It was definitely wrong of her to touch his scalp without his consent.

Without giving it a second thought, she had sat on the couch trying to tell him about his own problem while he was staring right at the floor, saying nothing in reply.

Ye Bin was glad that he was lending hands. It was not just because the canvas was too heavy for her to carry alone, but also because he had chosen to not turn a total blind eye to her presence.

"Thank you for this." she said softly, earning a brief glance from him.

He nodded in return and swivelled around to go towards his bakery.

"Ju Ho." she called, trying to her best to not show how her insides were going topsy turvy. She had realised that she needed to clear up the air herself.

Ju Ho halted. He whipped his head and tried to meet her gaze, still feeling a sense of discomfort lying thickly over his skin. Even though he couldn't hold the eye contact for much long, his gaze shifted towards the lower half of her face. He didn't want to show the discomfort he was battling with, inside.

Ye Bin was chewing the bottom of her lips, trying to voice out the words that were bubbling in her head. The inch thick silence was really loud to her and an unknown fear was putting her into a pothole of uncertainty.

"I'm sorry about the day before. I understand that it's your personal life. I have no right to dictate you about what you do. I acknowledge that I overstepped my boundaries but -" she paused, her eyes trying to search for something on his face. Her tone was apologetic, sounding lower than usual.

"But?" he prompted, suppressing the sigh that was about to leave his lips. It was happening and he knew that he wouldn't be able to avoid the second round of the confrontation.

The weight of guilt was slowly consuming him and his thinking process. He had been definitely been avoiding her deliberately to put the topic away. Delaying the conversation was not helping actually and he was yet to acknowledge it.

"I think that we are friends. I don't know about how you feel about this and I wouldn't force you to think that I am. You have been a great support to me throughout my stay here and I am not going to forget that. I do confess that I was taken over by a mere curiosity when I saw you holding your hair. I mean no harm and I just wanted you to get out of this cycle. I rambled on about a lot that day as a result." she added,

"It's not your fault." his eyes were now on the pavement and his black boots. "I didn't blame you. You are indeed someone nice. It's just me and my twisted lifestyle."

"Han Ju Ho, it's not even about who is to blame." Ye Bin shifted weight from one foot to the other, nervously. "It's just about how you feel about the entire situation. I don't know. Probably, I am not even making much sense right now. I do get a little about how you're feeling even though I am not completely aware about your situation. I was hesitant too when you had discovered my vulnerable side. However, I realised that leaning onto someone wasn't that bad."

"So, what are you trying to say? That I'm totally an idiot who is feeling insecure? Or are you saying that I'm not even aware of what I am doing with myself?" cried Ju Ho, looking demented.

"I don't know what to say." Ye Bin added, slowly. She seemed hesitant again and a bit taken aback by the change of tone.

Ju Ho looked up, his heart feeling heavy suddenly. He had never really raised his voice in the last few years. There was a total conflict of thoughts going on in his mind and it was preventing him from thinking straight.

"I'm sorry. We should have this conversation later. I am not in the right state of mind right now." Ju Ho explained uneasily and retreated from the place with hurried steps, not sparing her another glance.

Ye Bin could do nothing but stare, her feet fixed on the ground as if they had grown roots. She could neither understand why he had to flee from the scene nor could she justify why she had to frame her explanation in a misleading way.

Maybe, he wasn't exactly the picture of the 'perfect guy with no worries' afterall. Everyone has a muddled room in their minds which is hidden carefully with different barriers. It was a wonder to her how some mere actions and words could bring out a totally different side of a human being. Han Ju Ho was definitely not an exception.

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