17

collywobbles

(feeling butterflies)

31st July, 2019

THE susuration of the tree leaves, sounded extremely pleasant as Ye Bin marched towards the backyard. The soft hues of the blooming flowers cascaded like an abysmal river on the greenery covered soil. Ye Bin noticed how the plants of the pots that were placed in a line, seemed to be thriving. She hummed a song lowly to herself as she carried her heavy laundry basket in her hands.

Han Ju Ho was sitting under one of the trees, looking better than he did the last time she saw him. His face had no hints of the coarse beard and dullness. He gazed at her intently as soon as he spotted her figure.

She had to tear off her gaze and rub off the brief look of surprise from her features as she advanced towards his direction. She had no option but to walk towards that path. Running away wasn't going to solve anything.

"It's a nice day, isn't it?" he followed her as she walked towards the string that was stretched throughout the entire breadth of the backyard, meant for her weekly laundry.

Ye Bin hummed as a vague response, placing the heavy basket in her hands on the ground with a loud thud. She could see him flinch from the periphery of her vision and she felt bad instantly. He was trying to start a conversation and looked nervous because of her demeanor.

"I'm sorry."

Ye Bin halted in her tracks as his pleading voice reached her ears. She whipped her head momentarily to give him a brief and cool glance. However, she didn't answer out of sheer perversity. Ju Ho felt his heart drop as her figure turned around to focus on her laundry again.

There was a thick silence resonating amongst them again. It was as if Ye Bin had gone back to embrace her old ways again. She looked collected and totally aloof. It was as if his apology didn't matter at all. Ju Ho shuddered at the thought of never reconciling with her again. He seemed to have missed the proper timing.

"I'm really sorry." he repeated, going down on his knees immediately to grab her attention.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked, not understanding why he was inclining towards the extremities suddenly. She was just trying to forecast how disappointed she was but definitely, didn't want or expect him to kneel.

"Yoo Ye Bin, I'm this close to stomping my feet on the ground and cry like a toddler. Answer to me properly, please."

"What are you? Nine?" Ye Bin frowned, crossing her arms against her chest. She looked cross and extremely vehement.

"It doesn't matter. Are you nine yourself? You didn't even respond to my apology. I am trying to apologise here." he fought back.

"Really? What about the day before? I apologized first, mister. Please restart your brain if needed. You can't expect a royal treatment if you don't do it for others, yourself."

Ju Ho sighed, her hands curling themselves into fists. "I can't deny that. I'm sorry, okay? I did not want to do that. I was having too much on my mind and couldn't handle the confrontation."

"Listen, Ju Ho. It's not like I have nothing to worry about. We all have problems in our own life but we can't just let them play with our emotions everytime. I meant no harm and thought that it would be the best to apologise that day. If you could react so harshly, why can't I just stay silent today?"

"I want to make it up to you, somehow. I reflected on it later. To be very honest, you were doing nothing but showing some concern. I misinterpreted it."

"Is that everything that you are apologising for?"

"Fine. I have been avoiding you totally for quite sometime. I raised my voice without understanding you. I acted like an idiot and accused you of thinking about how insecure I am."

"I never said so. I said that it's fine to be vulnerable at times. You have seen me being so. We are humans, Han Ju Ho. We are not perfect."

"It's just so hard to accept that I have something going wrong in my life. I just can't seem to figure out why I'm so stressed out internally. Okay, I do know about some factors but this constant hollow feeling... I don't really know how to interpret all that. I was upset that I let you see a version of me that I am unsure about."

"Didn't you see the same if you consider my situation? I am glad that you gave it some thought. Still, I should have had asked you for your consent before touching you. Curiosity knocked me over. I didn't even bother to ask you properly about your side of the story. I couldn't help but feel guilty about everything." reflected Ye Bin.

"Don't. I wouldn't have been able to say mine, though. It's just I don't know when I started ruining my own scalp and just went on with it. I have been pretty oblivious about it. I kept picking on my skin and found it to be relaxing. I don't know if I should use that word. It doesn't make much sense."

"I searched it up." Ye Bin looked into his eyes. "I don't know if it's crossing the line again but I looked into this matter. Turned out that it's pretty common."

"It is?" he raised an eyebrow, slightly surprised.

"Somehow, it is. There are tons of people like on the internet claiming that they have been holding onto this habit for months and years. Apparently, it's a medical condition called dermatillomania."

Ju Ho nodded, his eyes unable to focus again. The information slowly trickled inside his brain and he couldn't decipher why he had totally ignored the possibility of developing such a medical condition for months. Maybe because he had no idea that something of that sort existed in the first place.

Ye Bin carefully monitored his clenched jaw. He looked like he's dazed as she skimmed through his features carefully.

"Are you upset with me, again?"

"No. Definitely not." Ju Ho forced a smile on his face to mask his concern for himself. "I'm just thinking about what I should do to cute myself. I have no clue about this."

"You should visit a dermatologist. I am not a medical expert and let's not trust the internet about everything. It might be something different too."

"I should. I definitely should." he mused. "I can atleast try to get rid of whatever urge I have everyday, to pick on it. Maybe I wouldn't be able to fix it altogether but I can try atleast."

"It will be fine. Or atleast that's the inference I can draw from the internet for now."

"I have stopped hurting my scalp since that day." he added. "The scabs are drying up. Whatever you told me that day was necessary. I stopped because of that. I just couldn't see your good intentions at that moment."

"That's great."

"Did you go to a funeral that day?" she enquired, feeling that it was the right thing to do.

"A relative of a close friend." he said with a languid smile.

"I never see your friends, though. I have been living here since a while but I have seen that you're pretty much stuck within a particular boundary. Okay, maybe I can consider that friend you were visiting last time."

"I have a small circle, I guess." he tried to laugh it off. It wasn't a lie. He indeed had no one excluding Jung Woo and Ye Bin.

"Everything is cool between us now, right?" he asked, expectantly trying to subdue the reigning silence.

Ye Bin's eyes were momentarily drawn to his clasped hands and the lines on his forehead. He seemed to be harrowed and looked like he really needed an affirmative answer.

Ye Bin nodded which caused his features to relax a bit and he released the tension from his insides through the release of a big breath.

"It is. I'm sorry for whatever I did." she breathed out too, finally. "Let's maintain a good relationship for a long time. Let's communicate and not assume."

"Sure, comrade." he saluted as he straightened his spine, his chest expanding dramatically in the process.

Ye Bin had to bite her lips to stifle the string of laughter that was willing to escape her mouth. That was probably the thing she liked about Ju Ho the most. His ability to turn the atmosphere into a light one was somewhat admirable to her.

"Can I give you a hug?" he raised an eyebrow.

Seeing how baffled Ye Bin was looking after hearing about his sudden wish, he tried to explain his action.

"Don't get any wrong idea. I just want to give you a hug like a comrade. To celebrate this reconciliation, of course." he tried to express his views without a tremor in his voice.

"Of course. He isn't doing it for something else." Ye Bin thought as she nodded understandingly.

Ye Bin could feel her heart accelerate as his arms pulled her in a warm embrace. It was not some feverish dream but a reality. Her breath hitched as his body hit hers, lightly. She couldn't help but close her eyes as his cologne hit her nasal senses. It wasn't intense. Just the right amount. She realised that Ju Ho was actually quite physically wide and it was definitely not because of his loose clothing. He was towering over her even though she was quite tall or that's what she had thought throughout her entire life.

As he released her gradually, Ye Bin had to fight herself to not cling onto him again. She missed the caress of his arms on her body so quickly that she couldn't help how embarassed she felt. He was not going to know about that, thankfully.

"Um... I should get going. I need to start a new artwork." she fumbled, not quite understanding what to do next.

"Sure." he extended his hand to show her the way. His eyes were downcast, not quite looking at her anymore. His cheeks were burning and he really didn't want her notice the tinge of red on them.

"Leave your laundry here. I'll do them for you." he offered as he awkwardly tapped his hands against each other.

"I can't let you do that." she denied with a scoff.

"From what I can see, you only have a few handkerchiefs lying inside that bucket. It is nothing." Ju Ho gave her a smug look and picked up the bucket from the soil.

"Are you trying to impress me or something?" she joked as her gaze raked on his stature.

"I am, maybe." he winked.

Her heart dropped instantly. No matter how much she tried to explain to herself that he was just playing around, her body never really bothered to stick to her reasons and principles.

She waved at him and turned on her heels without responding to his flirtatious remark. She definitely did not have the valour to stop for a while and respond exactly that way.

As her hand glided against the railing of the staircase while ascending, she closely watched how he was wringing out the water and easily putting the moist handkerchiefs on the string. She couldn't deny how she was falling prey to his boyish charm. She had been living like a nun for a while and that fact wasn't helping either.

She had immensely missed that pair of jubilant eyes for the past few weeks. Just when she was thinking about him, he looked towards the staircase. Their eyes were locked briefly and he stopped his work momentarily. Her stomach twisted itself in the most languid way possible.

The flamboyant wave of his hand and the subtle hint of a smile on his face, brought a smile on her lips too. A rush of emotions made her heart rattle. She clutched onto the hard wooden surface of her balcony, feeling jittery.

The entire incident was almost a new experience for her. To see that someone was willing to acknowledge their faults and trying to reach out felt reassuring. At an age where ego clashes often end up causing an inevitable havoc, this was one of the bittersweet episodes in her life.

Ye Bin wasn't expecting him to come to his senses. Even though she fancied him secretly, there was a part of her which had been seeking for the chipper version of her friend.

It was the last day of the month of July and yet, she found herself hoping for a new spring that would be bearable for her heart.

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