21

dern

(dark, hidden, secret)

10th August, 2019

THE first and the last hour of work was something, Ju Ho really loved. They motivated him in two different ways. However, the sight of Ye Bin after the end of the latter had made it better in his opinion. This particular humid evening of August was no different.

"Oh, it's my girlfriend." he came running towards Ye Bin as soon as he spotted her walking in.

"Stop being so corny." she laughed.

"Why didn't you visit me today?"

"I had tried to sneak inside earlier but there was a huge crowd infront of the counter. I barely saw your head. You might as well as get kidnapped by a female fan anyday." she prattled on.

"There's no way." he laughed uproariously as if she had cracked the best joke he had ever heard in his life.

"Why not? You keep showing them a thousand watt smile everytime. I wouldn't blame them if they all become infatuated with you. I'm speaking from experience." she seemed solicitous enough to make Ju Ho laugh audibly again.

"So, I bagged your affection after showing you my smile?" he mused as he stepped closer to her. "I have been wondering till now."

"Anyway, it's hard to catch hold of you these days." she squinted her eyes as she realised that she had let him know about another secret of hers. "I should take my leave now. You need to catch a break. It must have been a hectic day."

"Don't go." he caught hold of her hand, pulling her closer to his body. "You need to stay for a while. I need to catch up with you. Where do you think you are going after visiting for such a short span of time? We haven't seen much of each other since our dinner."

"Are you serious? You keep dropping by whenever you bake a new batch of something. I have three packets of croissants to finish yet. I barely managed to concentrate on my work thanks to your frequent visits."

"Are you that annoyed about me visiting your place?" he complained. "I mean, I am just visiting my girlfriend whenever I am free. Would I get arrested because of it or something? Do you not like me enough?"

His words caused minor consternation to Ye Bin. She crossed her hands against her chest and tried to validate her point.

"Gosh, you are a handful." she fought back. "You can do it once in a while. I thought that you are mature, Han Ju Ho. You and I are both grown-ups. Should we ditch our source of income just because we are fond of each other? We need to fix a time or something to meet each other."

"I didn't mean to offend you. I just miss you every now and then." his face turned a shade lighter.

"I miss you too." Ye Bin lowered her voice. "We are both busy. We are not teenagers who can fool around all the time. Don't neglect your customers because of me."

"Actually, I'm planning to hire a part-timer. I can't handle such big crowds all by myself. I might fall sick if I get flocked everyday. I'm sorry if I have caused you worry."

"That's good." she nodded, approvingly. "It's high time you do so. Managing a big crowd requires more manpower."

"Ye Bin, I'm sorry for getting too clingy. You see, I would love to see both of us do well in our own fields. I promise that I wouldn't interfere when you're working."

"Act clingy. I like it. However, we need to seperate our personal lives and work. I hope my words didn't come out really harsh. It had been on my mind lately and I thought that I should let you know."

"Of course, we need to adjust to each other's preferences. Please keep recommending changes so that I can be a good partner."

"Goodness, I should get going then."

"Don't go. Relax here." he pleaded again.

"Don't say that. We can always talk later. You look really exhausted." she insisted.

"That is why I'm not letting you go." he puckered his lips. "Do you have a prior engagement or something?"

"No, I have no plans for today. I got some canvases delivered to Seoul today. It was a good deal. Might as well as go with you for getting art supplies again."

"Did you run out of all those colours again? I mean the tubes were as large as my hands."

"They are pretty small if you consider how much I need everyday."

"Are you telling me indirectly that my hands are not big enough?"

"What are you even saying?" she laughed. "Okay, mister. You might have small hands."

"Really? Are you sure?" he raised an eyebrow as he put the surface of her palm on his to measure.

Ye Bin nodded her head to acknowledge the difference. Her hand was nowhere near his. Ju Ho grinned smugly, his fingers filling in the spaces between hers to hold onto her hand.

"Were you planning to hold my hand?" she flushed.

"I always wanted to. I just couldn't. However, I definitely can right now and I'm quite happy about it." he asserted.

"Where is Marble?" she asked, looking around.

"He is in my room. Go visit him if you want. I'll bring you something to have."

Ye Bin nodded as she sauntered on the familiar path to Ju Ho's room. Marble was quick to leap onto her body as she unlocked the door. After being showered with affection, she followed him towards the interior of the room.

Ye Bin's eyes were drawn towards a fancy wooden cupboard as she approached the sofa. She had previously caught a glimpse of it the last time she had visited Ju Ho's room. However, she couldn't manage to get a proper look at it. To her delight, she found that it was open.

She patted Marble's head and walked towards it. The interior of the cupboard was something she had never really expected to ever see in her lifetime. It had different types of clocks and pictures of people attached to it systematically. She could even hear the soft buzzing of the pendulum placed in the middle. As she turned towards the door, Ju Ho entered.

Ju Ho's heart pounded really hard as he watched Ye Bin stare at him in disbelief. He stared at her blankly, unable to understand how he could make such a mistake to leave the cupboard open. 

"Why do you have pictures of other people in your cupboard?" she stared at him, completely stunned.

"Oh god." he winced. "I'll explain. It's a bit complicated but I hope it will make sense at some point of time. Don't assume anything right now. I'm not a serial killer on the loose if you have been wondering already."

"I can't even think about a proper explanation." her face looked similar to the first snow of the year.

"Well, I am kind of involved in this wind filtering mechanism. Listen, these pictures are of people who have been experiencing depression on a serious level. They are internally battling with  themselves. My work is to make their lives a little easier. Sometimes, I manage to get many out of this misery."

"What? Did you accept a role for another soap opera? Ju Ho, I am completely confused. What are you even saying?"

"I did not take up any role. This is just who I am. I have never told anyone about this but here we are."

"Are you joking?" she hardly managed to say as her eyes tried to scan his face.

"I wish I was, but this is completely true. I don't know how I'm going to explain." he collapsed on the floor.

"I have no idea how to reply to this. This is just..." she squatted on the floor unable to think straight. "How did you even get involved in this?"

"It's hard to pick up a particular memory like that but I can just tell you a rough summary of everything. Jeju is not my hometown. I have been raised and brought up at Busan. My parents were professors."

"How did you end up here?"

"I ran away from my home." he said with the look of mild hesitation lingering on his face. "I was sick of my life. I have been a bright student throughout my teens. However, I somehow lost my charm when I went to high school. My mother was pretty strict with my education. We were not on good terms after she found out that I had been going to baking classes instead of my tution classes."

"So you ran away?" Ye Bin found herself saying.

"I did." Ju Ho nibbled onto his bottom lips. "I wanted to choose a different career and thus, took the opportunity to run away. My mother had been like tongs which held my neck tightly. I was gasping for air and freedom. I couldn't endure her ways of dealing with me. I rented this house with all I had. Went through bankruptcy and almost everything. Now, here I am."

"What about this wind thing?"

"Right." he smiled. "When I first moved in, I was given a floor with conditions worse than everything I had ever seen. However, this cupboard and a fan were in this room. Mr. Hwang had never mentioned about them. Curiosity got the best of me and I opened the cupboard. Everything was the same as you are seeing right now. There were just photographs of different human beings."

"That's weird."

"It is. I was flabbergasted. I was about to dial Mr. Hwang but somehow, stumbled upon a paper kept at the corner. It had instructions and a handwritten note. It was a challenge. A challenge from the previous tenant to carry on his legacy. I considered this a prank and kept it aside because I was occupied with repairing this floor. Oneday, I decided to filter the wind and the next thing I knew was being an active worker. I don't know how I have been maintaining this all these years."

"Did you endure everything all by yourself?" surprise coloured Ye Bin's tone as her warm hand settled on his cheek.

"I did. If I look back now, it feels unreal. To think that I was totally a different human being back then, I feel surprised myself. I have a lot to reflect on when I look back. Nineteen year old me and my current self would be definitely involved in a serious conflict if they could communicate."

"Do you regret everything?" she asked, slowly.

"I am yet to find an answer to that. I had a burning passion back then. I am not sure whether it was influenced by just my family's constraints. Trust me, I found myself hating everything about my life. I was bitter about not being able to stand up for myself. It was my life. I was supposed to determine which path to walk on. But I found a piece of myself here. I don't know how I feel about this wind filtration. I do love helping out others but it has been taking a toll on my mental health lately."

"I am glad that you stood up for yourself. Not many can do that. It takes a lot of courage to break ties with one's family. It must have been really tough. You have come a long way, Han Ju Ho."

"Have I?" Ju Ho's gaze looked distant and distracted. "Is this the life I had wished for back then? Was I not really reckless? Is this the success I was looking for?"

"Success is a dynamic concept. You are yet to discover what your version is then."

"Definitely, it's not money for me. I am sure that I earn more than enough right now. I feel lost. When I look at a happy face at my bakery, I feel overjoyed. When an adult mentions how her birthday is incomplete without my cakes, I feel happy. When a child begs his parent to buy all the chocolate pastries, I feel happy. When I see the happiness my food brings, I feel happy." his words were firm even though his eyes held a subtle warmth.

"You might say that I am having a big crowd everyday now but it's like a table with no legs. Most are flocking my space to see me. My face. Not what I create. Some bother to actually buy something. Most are just there to hit on me. It has been bothering me for a while and I can't seem to find any solution to that. I am supposed to take everything positively but I believe this attention is just temporary. Even you mentioned that once."

"I did, I guess." Ye Bin nodded. "Honestly, it's like that for social media. They put a big spotlight on someone for a short span of time and then suddenly take it away."

"Actually, many agencies contacted me after this drama. I was flabbergasted to the hear the offers they were ready to give to me. However, I had to decline everything. They are not what I want. I am not built for acting."

"You looked great on screen though. You acted really well."

"Probably, I did. But you see, I don't have the zeal for this. I have given this some thought for a while but both my brain and heart had a negative response. I am standing in the middle of a forest and unable to decide which way would lead me out of it."

"It's okay to be confused."

"I'm sorry for not telling you all these, beforehand. You must be disappointed." he rubbed his eyes with his hands as if he was trying his best to not break down.

"Why should I be?" Ye Bin sighed, pulling him in for a hug.

"It's just so absurd. It must be so confusing for you to understand everything." said Ju Ho, his chin brushing against her neck as she held him in her embrace.

"I will not lie. It definitely sounds unnatural. However, if I think about it carefully, it makes sense. This world has different mechanisms of balancing its phenomenons. I believe, this must be one of the mechanisms most of us are unaware of."

"Must be. It must be so." he drawled, closing his eyes.

"So go find yourself before it's too late. You can't save the entire world. Save yourself first. Don't dwell in the remote past. Live for today and tomorrow." she exhorted.

His narrative was like a strong ocean current that had been blustering against the surface of a paper mache wall within himself. Ye Bin's arms felt like a beseeching request to let it out. She was a warm and gentle space which he could seek refuge in.

Everything felt right. Maybe, she had aptly given him a major puzzle piece for the combination which was solely his.

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