C H A P T E R   11 :   E I T H E R   K I L L   O R   B E   K I L L E D

"All her life she has seen
All the meanest side of me
They took away the prophet's dream
For a profit on the street

Now she's stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow

All his life he's been told
He'll be nothing when he's old
All the kicks and all the blows
He won't ever let it show

'Cause he's stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow"

"Today we are going to talk about the differences between mutants and non-mutants." Storm announced, causing a restless buzz in the students. She was replacing the Genetics & Mutations teacher and everyone was more interested in the class now that she was here. Storm just had a natural majesty to her, an imposing presence no one could be indifferent to, a force of nature people recognized whether or not she decided to shake the world.

"Why study non-mutants?" A student asked, full of bitterness. "It's not like they care about us."

"Careful with generalizations." Storm said. "I know many of you have experienced the bad side of non-mutants, but they don't all see us or behave towards us the same way. And it's not because someone doesn't respect or listen to us that we ought to do the same to them. If we want to know ourselves, we need to know who's different, we need to have a basis of comparison. Therefore, the reason for this class, but I won't tolerate any supremacist behavior. I expect you to be better than those who have done you wrong. I'm not giving you this lesson for you to intensify what divides us, but for you to guess what unites us."

"What's the point? Some of them don't even consider us humans." Another kid declared.

"And since when do we let ourselves be defined by other people's words and thoughts? What matters is who we think we are. No one can take away from us the power to define ourselves."

I smiled and looked around. Most people were mesmerized by Storm's strength, palpable in her speech. I could see she was a mentor to many, an idol even. I wondered what was like to be such a good example and not even have to try.

"So, I'll start with a basic question. What is a mutant?"

A boy in the front of the class grinned.

"A person destined to success."

"Or doomed to incomprehension." Said a guy in the back of the room. I looked over my shoulder and my eyes' met Lewis Thompson's dark ones. Yup, he was in my class. And I had only noticed him after seeing him in detention. Some people only became present to us after something made us change our view of them.

"Guys, this is serious." Storm said, her eyes flickering to me. I felt a weight in my chest, a feeling I usually had when my sixth sense was trying to warn me of something. "Care to try again?"

A girl lifted her hand so fast Hermione Granger would be proud.

"A person with the X-Gene, professor. To be a mutant a person must have a mutation in their DNA caused by the presence of this extra gene. Non-mutants don't have it."

"And so one small thing breaks us totally apart." Another skeptical student added. "How can something so small become so big?"

"It doesn't have to separate us." Storm said firmly. She truly believed in what she said, and her faith was admirable. "The X-Men are working towards a world where differences will no longer be barriers. Where mutants and non-mutants will be treated equally and with the same respect."

"That's very pretty." Dyani intervened from beside me. "And very utopian. Mankind will always have the tendency to push away rather than to pull closer. Outsiders will always exist, fear of what's unknown and different will always be a part of humanity and a factor of tension. We will always find something to use against someone, no matter how small and insignificant the difference is. It's the only way we have to recognize who we are. By clashing with who we aren't."

"We've all suffered with prejudice and intolerance." Lewis agreed. For a loner he was pretty involved in this discussion. I guess it must have been personal for him. "They reject us because of a gene, something we did not choose and that was never in our control. Instead of trying to help and understand, they tried to mark us and make us their slaves. No wonder groups like the Brotherhood of Mutants aim to establish mutant supremacy over them."

I could see I was not the only person here with so much rage bottled in, even though mine had nothing to do with the kind of prejudice they faced. Now that I thought about it, I had never suffered discrimination related to mutants. Few people knew me. Even fewer people knew of my abilities. And besides, I wasn't a mutant, was I? I was just some unlucky person who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time and suffered experimentation at the wrong hands.

If that's the case, what are you doing in this school? An annoying doubt kept asking. I had been ignoring this pressing question ever since I entered this school for fear the answer would sent me back, for fear of not fitting in. But I couldn't ignore it anymore. I was confused. I didn't know my identity. I felt lost in an ocean of so many me's, and all I wanted was to get to a safe shore.

"What did I tell you at the beginning of this class?" Storm interrupted my bewildered thoughts. "Hatred will not lead us anywhere. War will not solve anything. We are here to teach you to be better. Your generation has the responsibility to fix the mistakes the previous ones made."

"And yet no one ever bothered to ask if we wanted that." I heard Dyani mumble. I observed her. With her ability to shift her skin into different materials, it couldn't have been easy for her, especially when her powers first started to manifest and she had no control over them. They must have called her so many things. Did so much damage. And still she was usually so bright.

"Come on, guys, we are the future. We can do better. Let's stop complaining and start acting. It's in our hands to prevent our kids from suffering what we suffered." A smiley boy said, and Storm smiled at him, grateful for the positivism.

"Exactly. So, back to the subject... our mutations. They come with powers and special abilities, and, many times, physical changes. When do they appear?"

Hermione 2.0. raised her arm again.

"Usually during puberty, but there are cases when they are revealed at birth and others only during adulthood."

Storm nodded. "That's right. There can be mutants out there older than you guys that have no idea what they are."

"Perhaps that's not that bad. Sometimes our genes are a trap and ignorance a blessing." I heard someone murmur, but I couldn't identify who. I wondered if they knew I could hear them. Probably not.

"There is also a phenomenon called Secondary Mutation, in which a mutant gains additional powers or a change in appearance due to a second mutation, so be aware because that can still happen to you." Storm informed, and she looked at me again. Oh, hell no. I didn't need any more powers to complicate my life.

"More powers? That would be awesome!" Someone exclaimed excitedly. Clearly many didn't share my point of view. Clearly most of them hadn't been through hell like I had.

Storm smiled. "Now, about non-mutants... and don't do those faces, guys. So, we use that term to refer to everyone who doesn't have the X-Gene, therefore, is not a mutant. But they can also be divided in subcategories. Some of them are regular humans and have no powers. Others are gifted like us but for different reasons. Anyone knows who I'm talking about?"

"The Avengers, obviously." Dyani declared with a smirk, excited murmurs travelling across the room.

 Storm smiled. "Among others, yes."  

While people continued fangirling over Earth's mightiest heroes, Dyani leaned to me and whispered "Fuck, marry, kill. Go."

I rolled my eyes.

"That game is so stupid."

"Felicia, I thought you were fun!" She protested, to which I just gave her a cheeky smile. I had already caught guys making that same game with my name in the middle and the answer was always the same: Fuck Black Cat. Honestly I couldn't understand why no one wanted to marry me. And if they knew the real person behind the mask, behind all of my masks, they'd probably just want to kill me. I knew sometimes I did.

My smile dropped at the beat of my thoughts and I heard Lewis.

"One single gene and they're out there saving the world and being worshipped while we're at school talking about them."

"But we have the X-Men." A girl replied. "A team as powerful and as popular."

"Everyone can save the world." Storm stated. "It shouldn't matter if you're doing it on stage or behind the scenes. You don't have to feel imprisoned in your own bodies, because of your own genes. You won't be confined for the rest of your lives, you'll see. There's still so much you can do. Back to topic... the Avengers. What term would you use to describe them?"

"Earth's mightiest beefcakes." A girl almost screamed from enthusiasm.

"Crazy girls' magnets." Her soon-to-be boyfriend retorted dryly, full of jealousy, and she stuck her tongue out to him.

"World saviors and lady-killers." She retorted, staring only at him and I knew she was smitten.

"Not only ladies." Another guy added seriously. Many smiled at him. Others gave him a thumbs up. At least mutants were tolerable with some things. Storm smiled too, but she was still waiting for a serious answer. Everyone stayed silent. My eyes widened at the few knowledge they had about people that were different from them. Perhaps it was not only the other side that was so ignorant after all. Since no one seemed to know, I sighed and raised my hand. Some things I had been forced to interiorize and they would never leave me.

"Mutates." I said, all eyes turning to me. I withstood their attention, staring only at Storm, who nodded. She was eyeing me cautiously, I could tell. Like she knew this was a touchy subject to me.

"Exactly. Do you want to explain, Felicia?"

I swallowed. Not really. But I started talking anyway.

"Mutates are people who weren't born with the X-Gene and whose abilities come from other sources. They acquired their powers through exposure to mutagenic agents such as chemicals, radiation, toxic waste, magic, cosmic rays... Captain America took the Super-Soldier serum, for example. Also, radioactive or genetically modified animals such as--"

"Spiders!" A girl beamed, all excited. "Man, I love Spider-Man."

"Who doesn't?" A guy replied.

"Felicia, please continue." Storm incited, but the lump in my throat was getting bigger.

"Mutates are enhanced individuals that I think can be divided into those who were born completely normal and with no powers and only gained them because they were exposed to one of those sources I mentioned, whether by accident or... experimentation, and those who were born with innate powers but not with the potential to access them. They might have never manifested themselves if it wasn't for the exposure to something that triggered them."

"That's exactly it, Felicia." Storm agreed. "In some cases genes are asleep and an unusual event activates their potential. In other cases, genes don't play any part, it's exclusively the event that gives the mutate all their special abilities. On the other hand, mutants don't have this problem. Due to the presence of the X-Gene in their DNA, their powers appear automatically and naturally. Well, for some of us, due to traumatic events, for instance, the gene can be triggered and appear earlier than expected, or on the contrary, supressed and appear very late in life. Some mutants happen to die before the X-Gene reveals itself."

Everything I said and heard in this class was just making me more confused. Memories I thought had been buried were threatening to shred the surface. I could hear them speaking about all of this stuff. How I didn't understand anything at the time. How I still didn't.

And the question remained... who was I? What was I? Where did I belong? To whom?

As far as I knew, I didn't have the X-Gene, so I wasn't a mutant. And neither was I a mutate born with powers I couldn't acess, right? I was only a mutate with powers because they had been forcibly inflicted upon me through experimentation. After all, I was a perfectly normal person until the day monsters came to take me and injected me with their venoms. Well, actually no, I had never been normal. But there was a time where I certainly was... less of a freak.

"I have a question." I said, trying to control the shakiness of my voice. I could feel the anxiety quickly spreading to each one of my systems. Soon it would take control. "If mutants are exposed to those sources, whether by accident or experiments, what happens to their powers?"

Storm pressed her lips upon my question. She knew why I was asking it. When she spoke her voice was filled with so much compassion it made me want to look away. I didn't. Her voice was the lifeboat in the sea of my doubts.

"That doesn't usually happen, I have to say. Mutants are not accident-prone and when it comes to experimentation, well... scientists usually prefer to experiment on people without mutations in their DNA because those mutations make the outcomes more unpredictable and instable. They prefer to work with what they already know. However and unfortunately, sometimes... it happens. If a mutant is put under specific conditions, that can trigger their powers and make them appear faster than they would the natural way. And it would most likely improve them to their maximum, since studying, observing and intensifying powers are usually the reasons for the experiments."

There, I had my answer. At this point I was pretty sure this was what had happened to me. Still I tried to hold on to the hope that it wasn't. But the truth was in front of me and it had come the time to finally face it, no matter how hideous and painful it was.

The truth was I was deformed clay that some men thinking they were sculptors wanted to mold into a masterpiece. But I had too many flaws. I was a celestial object that caught on fire when entering those devils' atmosphere. But I was too volatile. I was just a child stolen from her right to grow up at her own pace, to live by her own will. But I was too resistant. They wanted me as their robot, as another tool in their arsenal. They held me captive with the intention to enslave me for good and the only reason I had broken free...

Him.

Three small letters and my world was set on fire.

"So, let's imagine this." A student woke me up from my tragedy. "If a mutant and a mutate go through the exact same experiment or are exposed to the same thing, the mutant becomes stronger than the mutate because they already had the X-Gene, right? From the start there already was in their system a mechanism ready for powers. A predisposition for greatness. All the experiments did was accelerate the process and maximize it."

That's not all experiments do, I guarantee you. And then Logan came to my mind. How he knew it too. How he was perhaps the only other person in this school that understood. I even dared to say in the entire world he was maybe the person that best knew what I had gone through. His claws, his nightmares, his rage. A reminder of my own. Finally Charles' words made sense. Logan and I were connected by pain. By the sharing of damaged pasts. 

"We believe so. But there is not enough proof to confirm that theory, and we hope there will never be. No one should have to go... through something like that." Storm said looking directly at me. I felt like my heart would disappear inside my chest. My sixth sense had been right yet again. Storm had conducted the lesson to make me figure out.

They surely already knew and thought I was finally prepared to discover. From the amount of beats my heart was giving per minute, I clearly wasn't. Now that I was closer to the truth, I felt more lost than ever. I couldn't be one hundred percent sure, but I thought I had found out what I was. I was not a mutate otherwise I wouldn't be in this school. I was a mutant born with the X-Gene who only had my powers manifested when I went through experiments. My abilities had been triggered and possibly improved. Yes, it matched the things I used to hear. The goals they wanted me to achieve. The plans they had for me.

We'll turn you into a killing machine even Death will be afraid of. The deadliest Angel on Earth.

Something along the way clearly failed. I failed. I was their failure. And that, along with... him, well, it had been my salvation. He and my incompetence were the only reasons I was alive.

"Then there might be some gifted people out there that are mutants but don't know, right?" Someone asked. "They might think their powers come only from experiments when in reality they already were in their genes."

"Yes" Storm confirmed. "Since some X-Genes reveal themselves very late, some mutants go into experimentation without knowing of their existence, so when they come out of it with powers they have no ideia sooner or later their powers would appear anyway, with or without external factors, just perhaps with less intensity. As for mutates, whether they have a natural predisposition for powers or not, these can only be activated under certain circumstances, when they get exposed to something exterior to them."

"So we are born with power. All it takes is what's inside of us. Others need the external environment to achieve them. They just... buy them." A guy smirked, and I snapped.

"I'm sure most people would sell them if they could, especially if the cost to have gained them was their sanity." I deadpanned. I was trying so hard to be as emotionless as I could. My voice was that of a robot. My mind was that of a hurricane. Could they think and they'd never stop spinning. "No one in their right mind would want to endure such pain just to gain abilities. Unfortunately most lab rats are stripped from their freedom of choice. From your carefree words I'm sure you were one of the lucky ones who lived a happy life and one day woke up and realized they had powers. They just popped up at no cost. Enhanced you freely. Yes, you didn't choose it either. But at least you didn't lose yourself in the process."

The guy shrank upon the intensity of my tone. I was so mad. Not at this kid who had the luck to live in a bubble of happy ignorance, but... at myself. At what had happened to me. If my rancor and resentment were drinks I'd be living in an alcoholic coma. Now that I knew some answers I had more questions than ever.

"Professor" I called, a lump so big in my throat it was as if I had swallowed the whole world. At my side, Dyani gave my shoulder a tight squeeze of support. "Would you excuse me?"

"Yes. But, Felicia, do you need--"

"No." I stopped her mid-sentence. She was so sad for me, and it was the type of sadness that held no pity. Only admiration. She was devastated her lesson had turned me into this mess. But it wasn't her fault. Sooner or later I would have had to find out. I just hated how badly the truth always had to hurt.

Without another word, I grabbed my stuff and exited the door, fighting the tears that prickled my eyes. I needed answers, so I went to the man that always knew. I didn't even knock at Charles' office, I just walked right in and started shooting questions with my mind.

Was I really born with the X-Gene or was I just a kid ramdomly picked up to become a freaky lab rat? Did they choose me with purpose, for a reason, or simply because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Why am I like this? Why did this happen to me, why did I have to go through this? Why can't I stop the pain? Why can't I forget the memories? Why can't I fight my demons?

Why me? Why everything? Just... why?

So many questions, I felt like my soul would implode. And by extension, Charles'. I watched as his eyes flickered, as his expression faltered. I was overloading his system, but I couldn't stop.

"Felicia, please." Charles begged, and I had never seen him so disturbed, so upset, so emotional. I had no idea my mind could weight on him so much. That my thoughts were so intense they could physically affect someone else. For his sake, for my sake, I closed my eyes and tried to wipe all the doubts in my head to leave one single question.

"Why am I here?" I breathed out, and Charles sighed audibly with relief. His expression instantly softened. I really had overwhelmed him. For some moments he had known what was like to be me. And he had suffocated.

"Because you're a mutant, Felicia." He responded, and with that I realized I was right. About all my especulations. About how Charles and Storm knew and thought this was the moment for me to know too. About me being a mutant ever since I was born. Most likely even before that.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I accused, tears now falling down my eyes. My surface was all cracked, and the demons were let loose. "Why didn't you tell me that I already had the freaking gene inside me? That it was not random that I was... that I was picked that night. I was picked because of my DNA. They knew. They knew who I was, it was me who they wanted all along, and they... they got to me and took me because they wanted to trigger my X-Gene, improve it and turn me into their best, deadliest weapon! Their puppet, powerlessly hung on their vicious strings. A kid they intended to turn into world's worst monster. They knew I was no ordinary person and that's why... that's why I've been through all those experiments... all that pain!"

I was screaming in each word, agonizing in all letters. 

Charles stared at me with such empathy it almost blinded me. I didn't know a person could be this empathic, suffer this much for someone else. I had seen it in Storm's eyes, and now Charles, and I wondered who else knew. I wondered if Logan knew... if he knew how bad it was. Everyone else could know, but only Logan could truly understand.

"Felicia... I can't tell you how sorry I am, I wish I could. I didn't want to keep such an important thing from you, but I knew that once I told you... this would happen. I did a mistake, you clearly weren't prepared to know and--"

"I never would be!" I shouted. "Do you think one is ever prepared to being forced to relive the worst moments of their lives in a whole new perspective?"

"I know, Felicia. I should have told you myself anyway, it was my mistake allowing Storm to talk about this in class. You should have not figured out so abruptly."

"The impact would be the same whether soft spoken or not. That's not what bothers me..." I bit my lip. If I had the X-Gene... who gave it to me? "Did my parents... did my parents have it?"

Charles nodded.

"Your father, yes. The X-Gene never triggered during his lifetime though, he never figured out...but he passed it down to you. Somehow, those people found out and got to you. I'm so sorry, I should have been more aware, it was my responsibility... to protect every mutant. You went through a nightmare no one should ever even enter. They got to you first and cloaked you from the world. You were invisible even to a mind reader. We only found out about you, your genes and your past when you decided to bring Black Cat to life. We connected the dots and realized this cat burglar was the same girl that had disappeared years before. We decided to appear in your life only when we thought you would accept our help."

My eyes shut. My pain opened. My barriers crumbled. My strength shook. Discovering parts of my terror after years of trying to overcome it... only finding out after so long certain secrets of my demons I thought I had left behind... it was shattering me.

I felt like dropping from my shoulders the weight of the universe I was sick of carrying.

"It makes sense no one noticed or cared when I was gone." I muttered. "The only person I had at that time was my father and he..."

My mouth shut. I couldn't let the words form, it was too unbearable. My past was full of pain and loss, and being a thief was the only thing that used to get me distracted from that. But now I realized I wasn't distracting myself from all the memories, I was simply burying them... and they were all coming to the surface now, stronger and scarier than ever, because that's the thing about demons, you can't bury them if you don't kill them first.

I never killed my demons. Instead, I knew they were slowly but surely killing me.

It was a game of survival, in the end. Either kill or be killed.

"Felicia," Charles called, his voice urgent. "You'll go through this. I know it seems impossible but you're not alone. You're strong and..."

But I was no longer hearing him. Something was dragging me to the bottom.

Nightmares were such a constant thing in my life I was scared of going to sleep. That was probably one of the reasons why I had started stealing again, because it kept me busy at night and when I felt tired but accomplished with myself it was easier to have a peaceful sleep.

But the nightmares I had while asleep were nothing compared to this. I felt like I was in a loop with my pain in replay.

All this time I had thought I had been so unlucky for having been randomly picked, but finding out now that sooner or later, whether I was there that night or not, they would have come for me, it felt like the world was ending and I with it. Realizing they had probably been after me for a while, watching my moves to catch me at the right time, knowing they knew exactly who they were taking and for what... it made me sick.

Knowing that they knew I was not normal, knowing that they wanted to use me, that they wanted to turn me into their personal killing machine... and knowing that their plan would have worked if it wasn't for him...

Knowing all of that crushed me.

"All the hurt, all the lies
All the tears that they cry
When the moment is just right
You see fire in their eyes

When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That's how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour, turn the pain into power

She's got lions in her heart, a fire in her soul
He's a got a beast in his belly that's so hard to control
Cause they've taken too much hits, taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode"

A/N: I know, guys, intense, dramatic chapter. I'm sorry if it's confusing, I tried to explain everything as best as I could, but any doubt, just ask! You'll learn more about Felicia's past soon.

Picture is Ororo Munroe aka Storm played by Halle Berry. 

Song is "Superheroes" by The Script. It has an amazing message that I think speaks not only to Felicia and Logan, but also to Dyani, Lewis and all the kids out there who've been suffering and have seen the worst of the world. Remember: pain makes us STRONGER.