C H A P T E R   12 :   M A K E   P E A C E   W I T H   Y O U R   V I O L E N C E

"I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide

(...)

Don't want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth

(...)

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how"  

Ignoring Charles' calls after me, I ran out of his office. My body had to run to keep up with the thoughts in my head, I felt lost and trapped inside my own mind. I didn't know how to break free from the walls within, so I ran outside hoping fresh air would help. I inhaled the cold breeze of the morning and forced my brain to focus on my breathing, but the more I tried to relax the more stressed out I became.

My breaths started coming out heavily and strenuously and it was as if my throat was shranking and closing inside itself, as if a hand was grabbing it tightly. I gasped for air painfully and bent down, my hands on my knees. I tried to catch my breath but my heart was pounding in my chest and ears and I was on the verge of freaking out.

To be more precise, I was having a panick attack.

It had happened a few times before, but that didn't stop it from always being so horrible and terrifying. It was like I was drowning, suffocating and burning all at once.

I needed to move, I needed to get away from myself, I felt like a snake desperate to shed its skin.

Erratically and frantically I started running through the fields towards the forest. Fortunately most people were having classes inside so at least I didn't have to worry about unwanted attention. Oh how Karma was really such a--

I tripped over my own feet and my sight became blurry. My head was dizzy, and I was drunk. Drunk in my own pain. My eyes started to close and I knew sooner or later my conscience would be gone, and I almost sighed of relief. Numbness was better than overload.

My ears caught a faint noise of steps running behind me, but at that point I didn't know if I was imagining things or not. I felt stuck in a limbo, too far from everything, too close to me.

I tripped again, and this time I wouldn't fight to get up. I'd let myself fall, and fall and--

A pair of arms embraced me before I hit the ground. Firm hands grabbed my arms and steadied me, and I blinked several times to focus my vision. I saw traces of brown against tanned skin but my mind couldn't put two and two together. I felt million miles away from the world.

"Felicia." The person said in a tone of urgency. I felt hands shaking me slightly to keep me conscious, but I didn't want it. I wanted to pass out so agony would go away.

"Let me..." I mumbled. "Let me go..."

"No way." The person replied firmly. "Look at me, Felicia. Felicia, don't! Don't close your eyes."

The words made no sense. My brain refused to accept any logic, drowning under so many emotions. My eyes were flickering everywhere, and there was the voice trying to bring me back to life. Like the rope of a lifeguard.

"Felicia..." My eyes rolled one time and I tripped forward, but there were the arms again, preventing me from falling. My chest collided against the person's, and the impact made my eyes open and look up abruptly.

Brown. Tan. Gold.

Logan had his arms firmly placed on my shoulders, his brown eyes searching mine. He was acting calm but struggling: I could see he wasn't sure of what he was doing.

"I'm here, Felicia, just stay with me. Breathe with me. Slowly. Inhale. Exhale."

My eyes locked on his chest to watch it as it went up and down. I mirrored his slow, steady breaths, and very gradually, the beating of my heart decreased, the hand around my throat slapped away.

"Is it better now?" Logan inquired, his hands leaving my shoulders as he gave me much appreciated space. I nodded, uncapable of forming words. Nods were easy ways to lie.

"Ok. Let's put that heart rate back to normal, ok?" He questioned with concerned eyes. "Just focus on your breathing. In. Out. Slowly." I did as he told me, all my attention on my lungs and heart, two things supposed to keep us alive that could kill us if gone wrong.

Somewhere along the way my heart had gone terribly wrong.

Just like that my heart and lungs started escaping my control, my anxiety skyrocketing like fireworks. Logan instantly placed his hands on my shoulders again, his pressure light like a cloud in the sky. He was the rope that held my air balloon to the ground, preventing it from flying away in raging winds. The voice that kept me right here, right now, like Earth had no other sound.

"Felicia." He called. "Clear your head. Don't think. Just... focus. Focus on your happy place."

"I... I don't think I have one." I confessed, my voice low and cracked like shattered glass. Logan seemed about to say something but then changed his mind, swallowing hard.

"Then focus on something nice."

"Your eyes are nice." I said without thinking. His eyebrows raised, but he never looked away.

I thought I heard his heart skip a beat. Mine sure did.

"Then look at them." Was all he said and all I did.

We stood there for a while, eyes locked and unblocked. Silence with him didn't sound silent.

"How are you feeling?" Logan asked when he decided my heart rate and breathing had returned to normal standards.

"In danger." I responded. Of myself.

"But you're safe here."

"It's not the place I'm worried about, Logan. It's me. I can't save me from myself."

"Yes, you can. You are so much stronger than what breaks you." Logan argued, and the trust he had in me made me want to believe in him. I wondered what I had done to deserve it. "You've already suffered more in your life than most people would could they live centuries. You've endured pain and loss in amounts most people don't even dream in their worst nightmares. Most people would have been completely broken by now--"

"I am broken." I interrupted. "And there's no pieces left to put back together."

"Then make new ones. You're still here, Felicia. And you're still fighting. That makes you a survivor destined to be a champion."

"I'm just struggling with survival, Logan. I'm Hell shaped in a person. And I don't want to feel like this. But I don't know how to feel any other way."

"That's okay. You don't have to feel bad about what and how you're feeling, Felicia. Don't reject your emotions, you are entitled to them. You have all the right to be feeling the way you are right now. The faster you accept your emotions the easier you'll handle them."

"But they're all jumbled. I can't distinguish them most of the times. One leads to another and each one leads to nowhere. I feel such a mess."

"You've been through Hell. I'd be worried if you didn't." He said, and his lips curled up ever so slightly.

"This is not the time for jokes, Wolverine." I said, but I couldn't hide my small smile either.

Logan returned to seriousness in a heartbeat.

"I know. I'm not going to ask you to tell me about your suffering, Felicia. I can't do that, I can't force you to tell me something like that. But I do ask you to be strong. I know what it's like to be terrified of demons, haunted by them, but you have to fight them. You have to find the light."

"What light?"

"I don't... I don't know. The simple things in life, I guess. It differs from person to person. Your friendships in this school. Your graduation in art."

"What was your light, Logan? What kept you sane and strong?" I asked, desperate to know.

Logan pondered for just a second. His lack of hesitation was admirable.

"The X-Men. And... Jean."

My eyes closed briefly under the weight of the revelation. One single word and yet so much love. I already knew Logan had a soft spot for her, but now I realized it was so much more. He was in love with Jean, and he had to see her everyday with another man. Yet she was still his light, no matter what. And that, something like that... it was beautiful.

"I don't know if I can handle this, Logan." Right now it didn't matter if I was vulnerable, it didn't even matter if I was vulnerable with Logan. All it mattered was getting this depression out of myself. "I don't know if I can keep fighting like I have been every single day of my life. Every day is a struggle. Every day I go through successfully is a victory, only to wake up in the next day feeling like I've lost. I don't even know if I'm worth fighting for or--"

"No. Don't say it, Felicia. You are braver than your demons. You will keep fighting because you're a warrior. And you don't have to fight alone. There's people here to help you. I'm here to help you."

Of course you are. You're my mentor.

"But it's so hard." I confessed. "It tears me apart and... you know, don't you? I know you do. You got it. The conflict in me... I don't know who I am, because I thought I was good and then men came and tried to make me... wicked. I'm supposed to be all bad, right? That's what these things are for." This time, my claws came out with no ache. Finally they had decided to give me a break. "They are made for killing."

Logan grabbed my hands firmly, his fingers touching my nails urgently. I remembered our first class, only a week ago, when he had analysed them so carefully. To see how he could make the most of the weapons. Now he was holding them differently, as if they were more like musical instruments. Like they could play the laughter of angels instead the crying of demons.

"They are made for what you make them be made for, Felicia. For what you decide to do with them. It's up to you to use them. The monstruosity doesn't make the monster. And to be honest... your claws are years of light away from being monstrous. You define yourself. Not your past, and not your traits. They don't own that power."

"But it's hard to remain good when everything about you screams otherwise. Drags you in the opposite direction."

"I know." Logan nodded, and I knew he really knew. "That's why it's good to be surrounded by people that will remind us of our humanity when all we can see about ourselves is the wild beast."

His words felt like defibrillation to my heart.

"You know... you know I have a lot of masks, right? Not just physicals... when I'm Black Cat I can be anything. Everything. But when I'm forced to be me... I hide behind layers and layers of masks. I mean, you know. You know it's just a mask, the crave for attention. You know there's a lot of pain behind my dry words, my bitter attitude and my silly jokes. You know all of that."

I was talking more to myself than to him, but Logan still nodded.

"I know. And I understand."

I glanced up to meet his eyes again. Strangely they made me calmer. Calm like I didn't know existed.

"I can't tell you I know what you're feeling, but I can tell you what I feel, since we share... so many traumas, and Felicia... you will never forget the pain you've been through, or the loss you've experienced. Those memories will stay with you forever, and I know it's frightening, but they don't have to cause you pain. They can make you move forward. But for that to happen, you have to make peace with your violence. Now, I can't tell you you won't suffer in the future, because the truth is that you most likely will. I'm not gonna give you all that crap about happy endings and about how everything will be alright and get fixed and so on and so forth. Life for people like us is not like that. Accepting this bitter truth is the first step."

Logan paused and stared at me. I wanted to tell him I understood... but did I?

"Frustration and revolt will only cause us more pain than the one we already experience. Hell happened to us and there's nothing we can do about it. The best we can do is embrace our emotions and traumas and use them as fuel to become better. Those demons... they are always with you, and always will be. They might go and come back from time to time, they'll haunt you in your dreams. But you'll keep going. You'll keep going because you're stronger than them."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked angrily. "You barely know me."

"No demon is as strong as the person who carries it." Logan said, so firmly I fell for it.

"That's not an universal law." I retorted.

"So are you willing to be the exception?" Logan asked in a challenge and I shut up. "You might feel like you don't, Felicia, but you deserve to find happiness again. Demons don't have the right to keep you away from it. I... I have them too. But even if I do have nightmares and flashbacks that cause me pain, I keep going. It's hard, I'm not gonna lie, but we can do it. We can fight them. And I'm going to help you, Felicia."

"Yes." I said robotically, repeating my previous thoughts. "You're my teacher."

"No. Not because I'm a teacher and that's what I'm supposed to do, not because I pity you or I'm scared for you, but because I believe in you. You'll get stronger. Everything might seem pointless and lost right now, but you'll find ways to deal with your demons. You're stronger than what you think and the day you realize that will be the day you win over those demons. And yes, they might come back, but you win over them again. And again and again if you have too. As many times as necessary. You win because you are that strong, Felicia. You win because no matter what other people might say, you are good enough. And I'm going to prove you that."

"Logan..." I whispered, and it came out as surrender. "I'm not sure it's good you have so much faith in me. Just because you managed to make something good out of your tragedy, it doesn't mean I will. Just because we're alike and share similar pasts... it doesn't mean I'll handle things like you do."

"God, I hope not. I'm rude, I smoke, I slash and I fight. I push people away and I'm insufferable sometimes. We all have our defense mechanisms, Felicia. It's a battle for me every day too. Victory is never definitive."

"How are we supposed to fight a constant war, then? We're not unlimited... we have limited resources! I have a limit. And I feel so close to crossing it."

"You'll learn how to cope with your emotions, you'll learn how to use them to your advantage. You just... it takes time. It takes will. But you'll find your own way. You just don't have to find it on your own."

Logan's words were injecting me with hope, and that was dangerous. Hope could be the worst killer. Then I realized that I wasn't the only one being vulnerable, he was showing me a different side most people never got to see. He was sharing his own pain with me, and I would respect his secret.

"What if... what if I fail?" I muttered, so quietly he wouldn't have heard it without super hearing. Fear of failure, fear of imprisonment and fear of rejection were perhaps my worst fears. If I was in Divergent I'd be called Three. Top that, Four! "I'm not sure... I'm not sure I trust myself enough to not turn dark."

"The fact that you're admitting that and fearing it already answers your doubts, Felicia. You care. That is more than many people can say. If you fail, you won't have failed for a lack of trying."

I nodded.

"Thank you. For, well... all of it."

"I want you to know that you can talk to me." Logan stated. "I know I'm not the most sociable person but you can always talk to me. About this or... whatever."

"Ok." I replied, my bluish-green eyes locking with his big brown ones.

I wonder why I never noticed how beautiful they were.

***

I sat alone for lunch. I knew being around other people wouldn't help my state of mind and I didn't want to affect others with my bad mood.

The only fun I managed to have the entire day was seeing Lewis getting expelled of Chemistry class and going to detention. That guy loved that room, I swear.

I was peacefully eating alone when Tara Cooper sat on my table. Fuck my luck, I thought when I remembered she was leader of the "Team Logan" club. She was blonde and had light brown eyes, her hair pulled back into a ponytail.

"Hello." She greeted.

"You can't sit with me." I said dryly, but Tara didn't understand my reference.

"Why, are you waiting for professor Logan?"

I almost laughed. It amused me how every student treated Logan so formally, except for Bobby, Rogue and those who had some kind of X-Men connection to him.

"Of course I am. He's late as usual."

"I... what?" Tara's eyes widened and mine rolled. I swear sarcasm was a myth for some people.

"Don't worry, I'll send him your regards once he arrives." I continued. "Isn't that what you want?"

"Uff, you don't need to be so rude!" She accused, and I felt a punch of guilt in my heart. That's why I wanted to be alone, to prevent me from spreading my dark halo. "Look, I know we're not friends and that you probably despise me because I'm so into Logan, but--

"You're wrong. I couldn't care less about your infatuation with him. Except for the fact that it sounds a little creepy, of course."

"I'm not committing any crime." She deadpanned.

"As long as you keep your obsession to yourself and don't start stalking him, no, you're not." I nodded.

Tara Cooper sighed.

"I'll try to keep this short for both of our sake's, okay? Since you have... privileged access to professor Logan, I thought you were the right person for me to inquire. I just want to ask you how are your private lessons with him going."

"They're going fine." I said harshly. I was sick of people jumping to conclusions. "We just train, I don't throw myself at him if that's what you're insinuating."

"Honestly, I would hate you if you did but I wouldn't blame you. I mean... He. Is. So. Hot."

"Honey, when I make out, I don't make out with a face. I make out with a soul. For that it takes more than a handsome look, I assure you."

She rolled her eyes.

"You say that because you're gorgeous. You have a lot to pick from."

And you're not?

"Which just obliges me to separate the wheat from the chaff more carefully. It forces me to seek for the handmade soul in an ocean of plastic ones."

I saw Tara's eyebrows raising a bit, but she was determined to not give in into me.

"So, to be one hundred percent clear, I don't usually hook up for beauty reasons." More for distracting purposes, actually.

"Got it. But handsomeness is not Logan's only attribute. He's easy to fall for." There was so much determination in her tone, defying me to try to argue with her. "So it really wouldn't surprise me that you'd find yourself attracted to him, especially in such a propitious environment. I mean, a small, closed room, filled with sweat and tension and bodies charged with the adrenaline from fighting? That's my dream coming true."

"Believe me, I didn't ask Santa to steal it from you."

"Let's do this another way." Tara grumbled. "Did Logan ever mentioned anything that might help me get him? Like a favourite color or--"

"Do you think we waste the lessons with pep talk or something? And I thought you already knew all that stuff, since you are such a fan."

Tara made an offended expression.

"I just wanted to know if he said anything more personal, that's all. I don't know why but I feel like he could have opened up to you." 

I swallowed, my walls held high. I needed to be careful with this girl.

"Then you should probably ask Jean Grey, not me." I answered back. Tara rolled her eyes.

"Logan's over her, I mean, he has to. She made it pretty clear that she'll never choose him over Scott."

"I think you need to realize he will never choose a desperate girl over Jean." I answered dryly, getting the best of my bad mood.

Tara gasped. She might have been a desperate girl, but she didn't seem one to cry when other people were harsh on her.

"Well, I think you need to realize he'll never choose a troublemaker over Jean either."

I searched within me. I picked up one of my many disguises. My cold mask was on. 

"I'm not interested in him."

I saw perfectly in Tara's eyes she didn't believe me. This girl believed everyone was crushing on Logan. Everyone had to be.

"On the contrary, I think you are. You're just lying to yourself."

"I don't know about you, honey, but I got a lot more things to worry about than getting a dude. You should think about that too. Sort out your priorities. I don't think it's healthy spending every second of your day thinking about a way to get him. To get anyone, really."

"You say that because you haven't found the right person yet. When you find them, you'll understand. You'll understand that they are worth fighting for and more." Tara said with such fire and passion, I felt like there was more to this story than just a girl drooling over her sexy teacher.

But I wasn't in the mood to find out.

"When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide  

Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide"  

A/N: Picture is Tara Cooper played by Natalie Hall.

Music is "Demons" by Imagine Dragons, which I think fits this chapter and Felicia's state of mind perfectly. 

IMPORTANT: If you're dealing with depression, anxiety, or any stressful situation, please reach out to someone. You don't have to go through it alone. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE TO HELP YOU. If you're going through a hard time and you feel like you have no one and that nobody understands you, still speak up. You never know where help could be hidden. Remember: You are STRONG. You are NOT alone. You deserve to be HAPPY.