C H A P T E R   29 :   S M I T T E N   A S   A   K I T T EN

"There's gotta be another way out
I've been stuck in a cage with my doubt
I've tried forever getting out on my own

But every time I do this my way
I get caught in the lies of the enemy
I lay my troubles down
I'm ready for you now

Every little thing that I've known
Is every thing I need to let go
You're so much bigger than the world I have made

So I surrender my soul
I'm reaching out for your hope
I lay my weapons down
I'm ready for you now"

F L A S H B A C K S 

"The city... nothing is different yet everything has changed." I said as he made us swing from building to building through the streets of New York. The sun had set, and all the lights were on, yet all I could feel was darkness.

"It's a pretty good view from up here, isn't it?" He asked, his tone soothing and refreshing after all the horrible voices I had heard for so long, in and outside my head. I had been reluctant to let him hold me at first, but as soon as he took me in his arms I felt safe. It was probably foolish, but after so long confined to a scientific, unnatural touch, I longed for a human one. One that kept me grounded to life. One that made me feel something after years of numbness. Human after years of being weaponized. This guy had the kind of touch I knew I'd take years to forget. The kind of touch I would look for in others. The kind you could build a home in.

"Yes... yes, it is." I said above the wind that roared in my ears. Tears prickled my eyes from the overwhelming sensation of freedom. I never thought I'd feel this again. I never thought I'd come out of that prison alive. But would I ever truly live? I didn't feel like I belonged here anymore. In life.

I felt my lungs failing me, my throat closing in on me and my heart pressing inside my chest at that thought. At the thought of everything that had happened. At the immensity and uncertainty of what came next. I could not see ahead of me. Panic shot through my veins as my heartbeat quickened, and everything became blurred and slanted.

"I need... I need to..."

"Rest?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Hold on." He said and not long after he made us land softly on the rooftop of a building. Apparently the base I had been kept in was far away from the city, but in my mind it was still close enough. All my wounds were open and it felt like I was the knife.

"Thanks." I said as I sat on the floor, trying to stop my body from shaking. "Not just for this, but for... taking me out of that place."

"I just wish I could have gotten to you sooner."

I kept quiet. Words would always fail to express what I had gone through, and the gratitude I felt towards this unknown man for getting me out of there.

"Can I ask you your name?" He questioned softly after a while of silence, sitting in front of me but giving me space.

"I'm subject 666. Subjects don't have names." This was the worst part. The one that was engraved in my brain and whose traces would take longer to disappear. The indoctrination. The mind conditioning.

"Of course you have—"

I got up abruptly. Suddenly I couldn't stand the thought of him humanizing me. Giving me my existence back. I didn't know if I could accept it. If it would fit in the new, twisted form that I was. I walked towards the edge of the building and looked down, to the street, to the people and the cars below. I took a step forward, and a grip like iron grabbed my arm.

"Come with me." He asked. "Please. The jump... it's not worth it."

I shrugged. "I doubt it would kill me anyway. Not as I am now, with the things I can do. I'd probably land on my feet or something."

"Well, even if that's true, I don't want you to try."

"You should have killed them." I turned around to face him suddenly, fury lacing my every word. I was a complete mess of emotions, one after the other. A Pandora's box he had just opened naively. I shoved him by the chest harshly and he tripped backwards. "As many as you could."

"I don't kill." He said, his voice cryptic, but he didn't stop me when I grabbed him by his suit and twisted the fabric in my quivering fingers.

"You must have had a pretty good childhood, then."

He turned his head to the side but spoke anyway.

"My parents died when I was little. I'm responsible for my uncle's death. And my first love died in my arms... also because of me."

I swallowed hard and let go of him. I didn't have the means to know if it was true. But my gut was telling me to trust him. To hold on to this guy.

"I'm sorry."

"So am I."

My bottom lip trembled and tears started rolling down my cheeks. He reached for my arms and I didn't stop him, relishing on the warmth his embrace provided. I sobbed into his chest. His kindness was killing me.

"Why are you doing this?"

"You have seen the worst of the world and I understand if you don't think good guys exist anymore. But we do. Maybe we're becoming an endangered species, but we're still here. I'm here. I'm not leaving."

"Where are you taking me, then?"

"I was thinking, first the hospital."

I stepped back rapidly, my breathing quickening again.

"No. Not the hospital. They have ears and eyes everywhere, they can get to me again. I need to stay hidden. And... the needles and doctors, I... I can't."

He nodded compassionately. "Okay, no hospitals, I understand. But you need to get checked up. If you're wounded, we need to---"

"I'm not." I swallowed. "Physically, at least. They made my body almost impenetrable and I heal fast now. All the wounds I have are invisible and you can't help me with those."

"We'll see about that." He said enigmatically. "Well, do you have anywhere to go? Anyone?"

I looked away and shook my head.

"It's okay. You can stay with me. If you want, that is." He offered cautiously. I looked at him, at this man I didn't know. Who was so willing to help a stranger. Who had come when everyone else had gone.

"What's the catch?" I asked, my brows creasing in suspicion. "No one is that kind without wanting something in return."

"Hum, well, if you say so... you can help me with my homework."

"Are you playing with me?" I accused. "Is this some kind of trick?"

"Wait, what? No!" He waved his hands frenetically. "No, no, it's not, this is just... it's just me."

I raised an eyebrow at him, but then I went back to that dark place, that my body had left but in which my mind was still stuck.

"What if they come for me? They found me once, they can find me again. I don't want to spend the rest of my life running away."

"I did some pretty big damage to their headquarters, they'll have other priorities for a long time. And I won't let them find you. Or get to you again."

"You're not invincible."

"But I'm smart. And I have my contacts."

"What about the other prisoners? I wasn't alone in there..."

He nodded, and I could feel his sadness from the way his head moved.

"I freed as many as I could but most just started running away without listening to me. I was going to go back to them after searching the whole base, but I didn't count on almost getting caught and killed. When I saw you, I just knew I had to get you out of there and we were running out of time. I had to make a choice. Doing this for some years now, I've learned... we can't always save everyone even if we try."

I nodded slowly. I just hoped most of them had managed to escape.

"It was pretty impressive, what you did back there. Going up against a whole facility of lunatic freaks."

"I always feel like I could have done better."

"That only means you're human. Which is a good thing."

He scratched the back of his neck, seemingly embarrassed. Maybe he wasn't used to compliments. Or social interaction in general. That makes two. Maybe that's why I wasn't running away right now. There was something in him that made me want to stay.

"You know, there's food in my house." He said bashfully, rubbing one foot against the other. Somehow he made me feel comfortable, how he seemed so normal in his extraordinariness. "And a shower, which I'm sure you need. I mean, I didn't mean... you know. I mean you cleaning yourself up."

"I know what a shower means." An unrecognizable sound filled the air around us. I was laughing. For the first time since my father had died. That alone made him earn my respect. "My name is Felicia, by the way."

"Hi, Felicia." I could hear the big smile in his voice. "I'm..." He hesitated, but only for a moment. Then he took off his mask in one swift motion and my eyes widened upon the sight before my eyes. He was a boy, not much older than me, his eyes brown like hazelnuts and his smile welcoming like home. "I'm Peter. And not to put any pressure on you or anything, but you're now one of the few people in the world who knows my true identity."

"I... why? Why are you telling me all of this?"

"Because I want you to trust me, and I'm sure lying to you or hiding behind a mask won't help me in that. So... disappointed? With the kid behind the mask?"

"No, not at all." I said without thinking, my lips stretching into a position my face was no longer used to. I brought my fingers to my mouth, astonished. I was smiling. And it hurt. God, it hurt. This guy hurt. But if there was any kind of good pain, this was it.

"Oh, wow. I was already preparing my feelings for the inevitable insult, so thanks, I appreciate that." It looked like the more nervous this guy was, the more he babbled. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah... I think so." I shifted the weight of my body from one foot to the other. "So... your house?"

"If you don't mind, yes. You can stay there. It's safe and nobody will find you there. Perks of being a wallflower, I guess."

I raised one eyebrow. "I find it hard to believe you're invisible."

"Well, let's just say that for the world Peter Parker isn't half as interesting as Spider-Man."

"The world is stupid. Don't listen to it."

Peter smiled at me again. I could get used to it, I thought. To how he cleaned the air around him by inhaling sacrifice and exhaling kindness.

"You know what, Felicia, I think you and I are going to get along quite well."

***

"Are you sure your aunt will let me stay here?" I asked Peter after devouring my third plate of food. I had long forgotten this good side of life. We were at his house, and while I took a long, much needed shower, Peter had cooked for me. Well, and for him, but he offered me his part.

"Yes. I just need to talk to her when she gets back from her trip. She has known I'm Spider-Man for a while now and she never denies help to those who need it. I think she will just establish the rule of, you know, not sleeping on the same room and such."

I smiled, taking a big sip of water. A part of me was still waiting for him to deny me the things I asked him, or to take them away scornfully. I couldn't help it, I was conditioned after so much rejection and humiliation. Just like that, tears started falling down my eyes again and my heart contracted, caged in my chest. It was overwhelming. The anguish and the scars. I couldn't see the light. I couldn't go through with this. I didn't have it in me.

But he had it in him. For the both of us.

"Felicia..." Peter whispered and moved to my side. I let him put an arm around my shoulders and rested my head against his chest.

"I don't think I can do this, Peter. I... I don't know who I am. I was there for two years. Completely erased from the world. It continued moving while I stopped. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what I can do and I'm terrified of it. I'm terrified of all these new things inside me that I don't know how to control... I'm scared of what they made me become. I'm scared... of all the voices in my mind. I see their eyes whenever I close mine and I can't... I can't breathe. I can't fight them."

"You need time, Felicia." He told me, his fingers caressing my hair lightly, his voice soft and amicable in my ears. "You will fight them, you'll see. You just need time and care and patience. But I'm here. With you. You don't have to go through this alone. You'll never be alone."

"Are you sure?" I tilted my head to the side, my questioning eyes finding his. "Are you sure you can handle me? This mess that I am? What if I'm a monster and you're letting me into your home?"

"Felicia, you're not a monster. You're not the lies they tried to convince you with. You can choose. You can choose not to let what happened to you define you. I know it seems impossible, but you're so much more than your demons. You can use your abilities to do good and---"

"They trained me to be their killing machine." I interrupted bitterly. "Their best. How am I supposed to create something good out of something that is monstrous?"

"One step at a time, Felicia. Don't think too much about the future, okay? We'll get there, but while we don't, it won't do us any good to stress about it. Speaking of which, and since stressed spelled backwards is desserts, how about some ice cream?"

***

"Felicia, I brought you some more clothes!" Peter announced as he entered the house. I heard his aunt laugh in the kitchen upon his excitement. Two weeks had passed and Peter had introduced me to her and explained my situation in minimum details. I was terrified she would kick me out but she was beyond kind and comprehensive and I could easily see why Peter had such a heart of gold. She also asked a friendly nurse to check upon me but she just confirmed my suspicions: all my physicals wounds were healed. The damage was internal now.

For the first few days I had stayed in bed without doing anything, just staring at the ceiling to hide from the void inside of me. I felt empty, like there was no trace left of me, and I didn't have the energy to find me. I didn't have the will to do nothing. Simply getting out of bed was excruciating. Peter would then stay beside me and talk to me about his life. About his friends, about how misplaced he felt in school and how cool he felt when he was Spider-Man, about all the incredible things he could do. He'd tell me about his vigilante adventures and about his past. About how he got his powers and lost his uncle. About Gwen Stacy. About the things that had happened in the world while I was gone.

Then, slowly, by the passionate way he talked about life, he started to make me want to get up and do something. I was tired, yes, but even more tired of lying down all day. My body ached for action, for a change. I couldn't get out of the house yet, but at least I was up. We would play games. Cook. Eat.

Slowly, Peter was giving me a part of myself back.

"They had jeans and skirts but since I didn't know what you preferred, I bought both... hum... ah..." Peter trailed off when he entered his room and I rose my eyes from my notebook to meet his.

"What?" I stared at him inquisitively and saw his Adam's apple going up and down beneath his skin as his eyes stopped on my legs. Ah. I had taken a shower and since the few clothes I had were in the laundry and it was a hot summer day, I had just put on one of his shirts, leaving my thighs exposed. "Hum, ah... I definitely prefer jeans."

"Yeah, right. Jeans." He cleared his throat. "Everyone loves jeans."

I got up to see what he had bought and my notebook fell from my lap to the floor. Peter's eyes darted towards it and I felt my cheeks heating up more than the sun outside his window.

"That's... woow. That's me." He said, picking up the notebook and glancing at the unfinished sketch. "Felicia, this is really good. You actually managed to make me look attractive in here."

That's because you are, dumbass, I wanted to tell him.

"It's not finished yet." I said instead.

"Oh, so there's still the possibility I become ugly." He gave me a sideways smile and the corners of my lips couldn't help but lift as well. Around him, smiling was easier. A lot of things were easier.

"Not really." I muttered under my breath and took the notebook out of his hands. "You weren't supposed to see it yet."

"But it's really good, Felicia. You have a serious talent there."

"Thanks. It's good, you know? For the mind."

He nodded and sat on his bed, resting his back against the wall. I did the same and my stupid heart fluttered when I saw his eyes sliding down my legs again. He looked away afterwards, suddenly very interested in his bedspread.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm better. Physically, at least. I'm well nourished and not exhausted and I feel safe here. I just don't know how to get used to it. This serenity. It's so strange. I'm always afraid it's just a dream and that I'll wake up and ouch!"

Peter grinned at me after pinching me softly.

"There. Now you know it's not a dream."

I just glared at him. He glared back at me, the smile never leaving his lips. Wait, why am I staring at his lips?

"Kids!" Aunt May shouted from the kitchen. "I'm not hearing noise. You're not doing anything you shouldn't be doing, are you?"

Peter and I locked eyes again and I bit my bottom lip to prevent me from laughing.

"Don't worry, Aunt May! If we were doing things we shouldn't do, you'd definitely hear noise!"

This time, I couldn't hold my laughter in. The light outside was nothing compared to the boy I had next to me.

***

The nights were the worst. When I would wake up screaming, completely drenched in sweat, with tears in my eyes and the sheets shredded from my claws. When Aunt May woke up, she would make me a tea and talk with me until I fell asleep again. But when she didn't, Peter would sneak out of his bedroom and slither into mine to keep me company.

The first time he had just knocked on the door and asked if I needed anything. Since I was altered from my nightmares, I said I needed him and asked him to stay. He did, and now he didn't need to knock. He didn't need to ask. There was nothing more calming for me than his presence beside me. Even if we weren't touching, he was there and that was enough.

He never left me alone unless I asked him to. He was probably afraid I would snap and do something reckless, but he never looked at me with pity or caution like I was a hurt animal. There was just an ocean of compassion in those eyes of his. The way he stared at people, seeing only good in them, it made me want to live up to the idea he had of me. Even if I couldn't meet his expectations, I could try. He deserved that after everything he had done for me. I owed him my life.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I don't want to disturb you." I told him once as he slid inside the bed silently.

"But do you want me? To stay?"

"More than anything."

"Then I'll stay."

***

"You know, every time that I have to leave you, I'm terrified I won't find you here when I'm back. That you'll be gone." He told me as he slipped through my window to get inside the house after another night watching out for the residents of Queens. I've had stayed a few times alone in his house already, but Peter still seemed relieved to see me.

"Why would I do that?" I asked him sincerely. "You and Aunt May are the only two people I have in the world. And you're so kind. Why would anyone want to run away from you?"

Peter stumbled forward, taken aback, and I grabbed his arms to prevent him from falling. He stared at me in silence, his mask on his hand.

"What?" I said, stepping back with effort. "It's true. Besides, I'd never leave without saying goodbye. That's too cruel. I talk from experience."

"Yeah, don't leave. That sounds like a good plan, so let's keep it, okay?"

I nodded and then took a good look at his face. Peter was about to open his mouth but I cut him off.

"Yeah, I should have seen the other guys, right? Come on, you need to get patched up."

"What? No, I'm fine. I heal fast too."

"Still, you need to get cleaned up. That blood won't come off on its own."

"I can do that---"

"Peter." I said accusingly, pressing his finger onto his chest. I could hear his heart beating frantically but he was probably just afraid Aunt May would catch us. "You are excellent when it comes to taking care of other people. But when it comes to you ... let me do it, please. Let me take care of you for once. I can never repay all the things you did for me, but at least let me try."

He sighed and ran a hand through his messy air. My heart decided to thunder in my chest and I was just glad he couldn't hear it like I could.

"You can be very persuasive, you know that, right?"

I smirked at him.

"You ain't seen nothing yet."

***

"Is that Mary Jane?" I asked Peter as soon as he entered his house. I had been watching from the window, him and the redhead. All smiles and soft words in his front porch. Sometimes he'd even stutter adorably in front of her. I hated that I could hear them. That I could hear their heartbeats.

Peter frowned at me, but then his lips curled up in a sly smile.

"Were you spying on me?"

"What? No. The window was just... there, and well, I had to look at something. Anyway, she seems nice."

At this, Peter grinned, and I immediately regretted my words.

"She's very nice. I can introduce you to her if you want."

"No!" I said too quickly. "It's just... I'm not good with people."

His brow creased again. He looked so cute when he was confused, which was, well, pretty much all the time.

"You're good with me."

"You're not people. You're Peter. It's different." I paused, looking down at my hands and biting my bottom lip. Then I looked up at him again and my breath got caught in my throat at the sight of his impossibly caring eyes. "Everything with you is different."

He sat in front of me, on the couch beneath the large window. It was my favorite spot on his house, from where I could see the outer world but where it couldn't touch me. I wondered if I'd ever be able to get back there one day. To talk with a guy in the front porch without fearing being taken.

"You know what, Felicia, when you want, you can actually be really nice." He was smiling at me, as always, and my lips mirrored his.

"Yeah? Well, you're a good teacher. Speaking of which..." I handed him my notebook, the one that was filled with drawings of him, both in and out of costume. He reached for it, and our fingers brushed slightly against each other, but it was enough to send shivers down my spine. It was like being electrocuted with feathers. "I... I want you to have it. It's not much, but it's the best way I can repay you. I'm sorry if my art fails to do you justice."

Peter just stared at me, stunned and stunning.

"Are you kidding me?" He looked down at the notebook, flipping through the pages carefully. "This is amazing, Felicia. All of them. I'm flattered."

"Well, yeah, it's not like I have a lot more to look at, so... don't get too cocky."

He flashed me a smile, and I wondered if he had any idea of how charming and dazzling he could be. No wonder Mary Jane was in love with him. The thought wrecked me, because I knew she had way bigger chances. She was unbroken, unlike me. She was naturally kind and sweet, unlike me. With her he could see the world whereas with me he'd just get cut on my broken pieces. No one would ever want to be with me, to spend a lifetime trying to put me back together. I was too scattered for someone to seek and find.

"Too late for that. I'm gonna hang these on my walls and wake up everyday to the wonderful man that I am."

He told it like it was a joke, but it hurt because it was true, and he was so painfully oblivious to it. To the love he was holding in his hands.

***

"Peter, you need to stand still or the dirt will never come out of your body." I whispered to him, late at night. We were in the bathroom and I was cleaning him up after he had left to go be Spider-Man. I was always a little apprehensive whenever he was gone, wondering in what state he'd come back. If he'd come back at all. I knew I was so afraid because I was falling for him. Maybe I had been falling since the first time I had seen him, and it scared me, the thought that I was the only one and that I'd just fall and smash my heart on the ground.

"It's not my fault, that's itchy." He said as his body squirmed from side to side under my hands. I sighed in frustration. It was already extremely challenging having to ignore the fact that he was shirtless in front of me, and all the flexing and contracting his muscles were doing wasn't helping at all. He might be lean and lithe, but his vulnerability made him strong.

"And you're a baby." I retorted sarcastically as my fingers slid down his bare skin. Despite the warm temperature, he shivered slightly.

"I'm the not the one who's having fun playing with my nipples."

I let go of his body immediately, my cheeks heating up like a turkey in the oven.

"I wasn't—"

"I know, but I knew your reaction would be priceless." He had that annoying, little smirk on his lips again, and all I wanted was to take it out of his face. Using mine, if possible.

"Umpf, you're insufferable." I muttered. "Perhaps you'd like to continue the cleaning yourself?"

He shook his head, the smile never leaving his face.

"Nah, you're doing a pretty good job at it."

One of my eyebrows raised naturally at the same time as the side of my lips.

"I'm sure you're enjoying watching it."

"Very much, actually."

I smiled. I loved how he was always so true to his feelings. How he didn't try to hide or deny them. I continued cleaning his torso, the smile glued to my lips, until suddenly he grabbed my wrist and pulled me closer to him.

"Dammit, Felicia, do that more often. Smile more. I love it when you smile like that, so effortlessly. It looks... it looks very good on you."

I opened my mouth to speak, but I was speechless. His grip on my wrist was firm but gentle; his eyes were plunging onto mine tenderly but irretrievably; his breathing was as heavy as mine. We were close, too close. My first instinct was to move even closer, and so I stepped back.

I could be smitten as a kitten, but I was still a fugitive, after all. I never stopped running.

"I... you make me smile." Was all I said, and I saw his eyes lit up after his expression had saddened from me pulling away.

He smiled at me, his fingers caressing the inside of my wrist soothingly, sending shivers up and down my spine. I felt weak at my knees. I wanted to collapse onto him and never let go. But I was afraid he wouldn't catch me.

"I hope it never comes, the day I make you cry." He said finally.

***

"Hum, why do I have the impression I'm being completely ignored?" Peter joked after giving me two movies to choose from and receiving no answer. We were both sitting on his bed and the proximity was unbearable, because suddenly it wasn't enough.

Maybe because you are, I wanted to reply, but since I was too pissed off, I kept quiet.

We had started doing movie marathons so I could catch up on the movies I had missed, or the classics I hadn't seen and that Peter considered I absolutely needed to, otherwise it was a sin he couldn't save me from. Overall, I was utterly enjoying my entrance into the pop culture world, given the fact that Peter was such an enthusiastic nerdy teacher, but today I just wasn't in the mood.

"Felicia, are you listening to me?"

"What?" I blurted out, trying to conceal the annoyance in my tone. "Just choose one already. We're gonna end up watching both anyway."

"I... did I do something? Tell me if I did because I'm completely oblivious to what it could have been."

That's your problem. You're always oblivious to everything.

"You didn't do anything."

"Then why are you upset?" He asked in that permanent state of confusion I normally found adorable. "Because clearly you are upset."

I crossed my arms over my chest and averted his questioning eyes.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"My child." He said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "I'm so proud."

I rolled my eyes. Peter made it very hard to stay mad at him.

"But, really, Felicia, if something's bothering you, you can just tell—"

"I just think that instead of making me watch these chick flicks you should just tell her." I uttered, suddenly exhausted. "That you like her."

Peter looked at me, his eyes widening, his face frowning, his heart sprinting.

"I... what?"

I stared at him accusingly. I couldn't help it. This kid drove me mad.

"Oh, come on, Peter, it's obvious that you're in love with Mary Jane." Glimpses of them talking and laughing flooded my brain. She and her sweet smiles. He and his clumsy words. The front porch was theirs whereas all I had was a window. A window from where to watch like a niggling old lady. "So just tell her already instead of making me watch—"

"I got it." He cut off, his annoyed tone catching me off guard because it was so unusual on him. He could have started speaking Latin and it would have had the same effect. It didn't add up. Not on him. "I thought you liked these marathons."

I sighed in exasperation.

"That's not the freaking point! The point is these movies won't help you get her, so stop trying to learn hints from them and just take action."

Peter pressed his lips against each other, his jaw clenching slightly. The light anger in his face made my heart sting and ache. It was an awful sight. This guy more than anyone deserved to be happy and there I was, putting him in misery. And I couldn't stop. Because I wanted him so bad and I couldn't have him, and so I didn't know how to act or react around him.

When I didn't know, I attacked. Maybe it wasn't all I had been taught. But it was everything I had learned.

"Well, for your information, Felicia, I'm not watching these movies for her. I'm watching them with you."

My heart skipped a beat at those words. It didn't matter, I told myself. It didn't change anything.

"Still. Why don't you tell her and that's it? Why so much hesitation?"

Peter shook his head in disbelief. We were swimming in dangerous waters and we both knew it. All there was left to know was who was the shark among us. And who was the silly fish about to get devoured.

"But where did you get that idea? That I like... her?"

"Well, don't you?" I held his enquiring glare with a defying one. My blunt, urging question took him aback and he stuttered. "Like her?"

"I... I guess I did, at one point. I mean, I guess I used to, but I don't know anymore. It's... it's confusing. I wish feelings were as easy as maths."

"I think it's quite simple, actually." I retorted. "You either like someone or you don't."

Somehow, we had gotten closer, our faces mere inches away from one another. I wanted to pull away, but something kept me in my place.

"You've been watching too many chick flicks if you think that's how it works in real life." He said, the tiniest smile popping up on his lips.

"Well, yeah, maybe you're right. I've never been in love, so how would I know?"

For some reason, that peaked his interest.

"For real? You haven't?"

Staring at those eyes, I wasn't so sure. I wasn't sure of anything ever since Spider-Man broke into the room I was trapped in and saved me.

"Yeah. And watching how you behave around Mary Jane, well, it makes me glad I haven't. You look like a fool."

"I'm sorry that not everyone can look as good and as cool as you, okay?"

Both my eyebrows arched. His cheeks turned pink. Then his stare became solid, resolute. I wish he knew how hot he looked when he was confident.

"You know what, I think you're wrong. You're normally right about stuff, but I think in this you're mistaken. Because, how can I like Mary Jane when I spend so much time thinking about---"

"Peter!" Aunt May shouted from downstairs. "Since you weren't answering your phone, Mary Jane called me to know if you wanted to go out with her tonight. Please call her back when you finish arguing with Felicia!"

Peter cursed under his breath. I felt a huge wave of disappointment threatening to drag me down further until I sank completely. He grabbed his phone from the bed, his fingers brushing my naked knee ever so slightly. He looked at me, a flame in his eyes.

"I'm calling MJ, telling her I can't, that I already have plans. And then we're watching '10 Things I Hate About You' so we can both search for hints."

I couldn't hide a grin. Not from him. "Sounds like a date."

***

"I want to go with you." I said out of the blue as I watched him open the window of his bedroom to slid into the night and become its vigilante.

"What?" Peter looked back at me, the mask covering only half of his face.

"I want to go with you." I repeated, jumping out of his bed with a new energy pumping my veins. "I'm sick of staying inside. My body is begging for motion, for purpose. I've been feeling like this for a while but now it's unbearable. It's like... I miss the action. I've been used to training hard and this immobility is leaving me restless, if that even makes sense."

Peter closed the window behind him and took off his mask.

"Felicia..."

"Besides, I long for the adventures you tell me." I cut him off. "I don't want to just sit here and listen. I want to be a part of them."

"Felicia, you know I can't take you with me."

I stepped backwards as if he had just pushed me away physically.

"Why not?" I crossed my arms over my chest defensively. His eyes lingered on my movement for a second longer than necessary.

"It's too—"

"Dangerous?" I raised one eyebrow at him challengingly. "Don't you dare telling me it's dangerous, Peter. I know danger. I've stood right in front of it over and over again. And you know what? I'm tired. I'm tired of hiding from it. I'll never get through this if I don't face it. Fearing the world while I'm trapped here won't help me. I need to get out there and just give myself a chance. I need to stop this fear from taking over my life."

He kept quiet, taken aback by the determination in my words. To be honest, I was too. By how honest and resolute this guy made me be.

"Besides," I said in a calmer tone, "if it's dangerous, why do you go? You risk yourself everyday for this city, for its people, and all I do is just sit here and wait. It's not fair that you have these double standards where it's okay to put your life on the line but not mine."

Peter came closer to me, sighing of frustration and running a hand through his messy hair.

"With great power comes great responsibility, Felicia. It's one thing if I'm alone. I don't care if I'm hurt if it means everyone else is safe. But you change everything. You'll make me conflicted. Torn between protecting you or saving everyone else. Because I can handle the blows if I'm the one receiving them but I can't stand the idea of someone even laying a finger on you. I can't stand watching you get hurt. Knowing it's because of me."

My heart started beating faster with every word he said, but I refused to read between the lines. I was afraid I'd only find blank spaces.

"It's not because of you, Peter. This is my choice. From the moment I choose, I'm responsible for my actions and for its consequences. I don't want to be a burden to you and I don't want you to feel responsible for me. I just want to do something." I sighed. "Dammit, you think it's easy for me? Letting you go each night without knowing how or even if you're coming back? Why do you think I never fall asleep before knowing you're safe and sound? You have people that care for you, Peter. Being out there alone... I don't know, maybe it gets kinda lonely. Maybe having someone watch over you wouldn't be such a bad thing. Because while you're busy having everyone else's back, who has yours?"

He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it. Then he made his tongue slide down his lip. I wanted to catch it with mine so badly.

"I... I never think of that."

"Maybe you should. Because I do. All the freaking time."

"I understand that, Felicia, I seriously do, but you're not ready."

"What if I was, though?" I asked, tilting my head to the side. "What if you taught me? You know what I can do. You know I've been avoiding this new side of me because I'm scared of it but I'm starting to realize that I can't escape it. No matter how much I hate it, it's part of who I am now. If I have to live with it, I might as well learn how to use it properly. You were the one who told me it didn't have to define me. That I could choose. That's what I'm doing. I'm choosing myself. I'm choosing to live."

His eyebrows raised, a small smile forming on his lips.

"You never cease to amaze me, Felicia Hardy." Then he got serious again, frowning in deep thought. "But are you sure? I know the memories aren't easy. I don't want you to feel triggered."

I took a deep breath and stared right through him. His eyes always managed to calm me down. The lighthouse after the storm.

"The way they trained me, I hated it. I hated their plans and their goals. I hated their words and their punishments. But you, Peter, you can teach me better. I've seen the things you can do. I spend hours on Youtube watching shitty quality videos of Spider-Man helping old ladies, for God's sake."

Peter scratched his nose, trying to hide a pleased smile.

"Next time I'll blow a kiss to the camera, then."

There it was, that stupid smile on my face too. That was Peter Parker's true superpower. Infinite kindness.

"I just need new memories to replace the bad ones. A better training to decondition my mindset. I already have the tools, I just need a mentor. You're the best fit for the role because you never make me fear you. You make me admire you. I look at you and think 'dammit, I wish I could be like him'. I wish I could have your heart. That's how much you inspire me."

Peter stood still, his breath caught on his throat, his heartbeat frantic. I knew what that usually meant. But I couldn't read his mind to be sure, and I knew how deceiving the body could be. They had taught me that. How to trick the mind using the body. How to use body reactions and expressions to hide our true intentions and thoughts. That's what I loved about Peter. How he didn't have any of that. How he was just so pure and genuine. There was nothing fake or tricky or scheming with him. Everything was real.

After a long time, he sighed in defeat.

"You're gonna need a suit. Every hero needs a cool suit."

Without thinking, I jumped forward and wrapped my hands around his neck for a hug. He stepped back from the impact slightly, but then grabbed me tightly and laughed into my hair.

"I hope you know, Felicia."

I looked up at him, his eyes shining more than the stars glued to the dark sky outside his bedroom. "Know what?"

"That you're the best thing that's happened to me in a very long time."

***

"Here." I said as I placed down my pencil and turned in my chair to meet Peter's eyes and hand him a sketch of my suit. "It's finished."

"Wow. This is just... wow." His eyes were opened to the moon. "Hum, are you sure of the, hum... I mean, is it supposed to be so revealing?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "It has a zipper, dumbass. Besides, I thought it would be a good distraction that could weaken my opponents."

"Good point. It's certainly very distracting. Just make sure it won't distract your allies too."

"What, do you think it will distract you?"

He looked at me, flushed.

"I know it doesn't look like it, but I'm still a teenager, after all."

"Jeez, Parker, control your hormones." I said, smiling. His eyes stopped on my lips, staying there for a while. I couldn't blame him because I was looking at his too.

"Are you sure? That you really want to do this?"

I nodded slowly.

"Yes. I think... having an alter ego, putting on a suit, acting with a mask, I think it'll help me. Face the world. Having this whole new identity where I can be a new me, I think it's what I'm needing. Thank you for helping me."

"Are you kidding me? This is great! Having my own partner to kick ass. I mean, as long as none of us dies, that is."

"Don't worry, Pete. I know you got my back. And now I got yours."

"I don't wanna be incomplete
I remember what you said to me
I don't have to fight alone

Bring me out
Come and find me in the dark now
Every day by myself I'm breaking down
I don't wanna fight alone anymore

Bring me out
From the prison of my own pride
My God, I need a hope I can't deny
In the end I'm realizing 

I was never meant to fight on my own"

A/N: Song is "On My Own" by Ashes Remain, one of my all time favorites. And it's so perfect for what Peter means to Felicia <3

Gif is from Spider-Man PS4 game from 2018.