C H A P T E R   39 :   C L A W   M E ,   C L A W   T H E E

"Distant, everything is scattered
When your mind is shattered and torn apart
In an instant, I can be indifferent
The blame is always shifted from the start

Leafless treetops in the snow
Views of death and bitter cold

Sun shines through an open window
Close the curtains real slow to hide the light
But in time, maybe I can change it
We'll find someone who feels the same as me"

Felicia's POV

Present time

I slept all the way while James drove, missing our entire road trip until I felt his gentle hand on my shoulder.

"We're here." He said, and I looked around to have my eyes graced with a peaceful landscape of a farm with a small wooden house on a hill. "This is a safehouse I've used once or twice. It has great visibility towards every direction so we can see if someone's coming from afar."

"How far are we?" I asked, making my way beside him towards the front door after we quickly scanned the perimeter for intruders.

"About one hundred and thirty miles away from Xavier's School."

I gulped as if I had a whole planet stuck on my throat. I've never been as far away from him as now, both physically and mentally.

"We can properly rest and plan the attack here, but if you're having doubts, Felicia, we can..."

"No, let's do this. For me, for you, for everyone like us. They don't get to hurt anyone anymore." I looked at him, a smile solidifying on my lips. "Claw me, claw thee."

James nodded in appreciation, a smile setting in his kaleidoscopic eyes.

"But first, let me take a shower. Do you have some clothes I can use?" I asked, and James scratched his nose, courteously embarrassed.

"We have enough food to last us a few weeks, but I only have male clothes here, and I'm sure they're too large. Do you mind?"

Sometimes it was easy forgetting this man came from another time.

"Nope." I winked at him. "I'm a lady no matter what I wear."

***

After a much-needed shower, I went into the kitchen to find James with an apron and a towel thrown over his shoulder, his back turned to me as he stirred some eggs. I sat down at the table silently to watch him work, until the delicious scent made my stomach growl loudly and he turned around abruptly, almost dropping the frying pan to the floor and cursing in Russian.

"There's not many people that can sneak up on me like that." He said, narrowing his eyes in an accusatory way.

I shot him a toothy smile to counteract his cranky mood. "Sorry, couldn't resist." I gestured towards the plates of food scattered on the table, from buttery toasts to pancakes with strawberry jam. "You made all this?"

He gave me a shy smile as he flipped the scrambled eggs from the pan to the plates. "Figured you'd still be hungry. Help yourself."

"You're a real gentleman, Bucky." It was only after I took a big bite out of the toast that I noticed the strange look on his face and realized what I had said. "Shit, sorry, I didn't—"

"It's okay." He cut with a small smile. "It feels good to hear that again."

"I saw in the Smithsonian in DC that people used to call you Bucky. I remember thinking it was a weirdly cute nickname for a Sergeant."

"You saw the exhibit there?" He asked in a curious tone as he sat across from him and forked a pancake onto his plate.

"Yeah, I might have a bit of a tiny crush on Captain America." I said, keeping an eye on his microexpressions to see if the conversation was making him uncomfortable, but James didn't seem to mind. I guessed talking about that part of his past made him feel more like himself.

This time, his mouth parted in a larger smile that reached his eyes and probably beyond, and he let out a soft chuckle. "Who doesn't?"

I smiled, wondering how much of who he had been he could still be.

"Do you mind if I ask you how he is?"

"He's too old for you too." James chuckled. "No, he's... I don't know about Captain America, but Steve Rogers is the best man I've ever known."

"Yeah." I agreed. "I think he's the best man I've never known."

"I'm sure you'll get your chance, Chornaya Koshka."

"I have no idea what that means, but it sounds hot."

"It means Black Cat in Russian. If you keep fighting like I saw you fight, you'll be on the Avengers' radar soon enough."

"I don't know about that. What I do know is that this is so good!" I exclaimed, munching on the eggs eagerly. "I can't stop eating."

"That's what happens when you've lost so much blood." His words brought me back to reality, my heart tightening when I thought about the mansion.

"What exactly happened after I passed out? It kills me not knowing what is going on in the mansion, if they're alright..."

"I don't think you have to worry." He stated, serene eyes soothing mine. "As I ran with you to reach my car I could hear someone running and sounds of fighting and it didn't seem like HYDRA was winning. I don't think anyone saw us, but the X-Men might be looking for you now. Do you think they'll come after you?"

"I don't know. If they think I'm in danger, yes. But I think Charles might try to locate me first using the Cerebro and see what my intentions are. If he sees this is something I need and want to do, he'll probably let us do it, though that doesn't mean he'll leave us alone."

"What about the rest? Logan?" James asked and when I opened my mouth to question him, he shrugged. "You screamed for him when I was patching you up. I assumed he was in the school too."

I nodded, biting my lip because the thought of not knowing how he was was almost enough to make me storm ouf of the house and go back to him.

"He's my teacher."

James' eyebrows shot up, the fork stopping close to his opened mouth with a piece of pancake almost slipping. "I thought he was your boyfriend."

"Well, he's a lot of things." I said in a scratchy voice. "But not my boyfriend. In fact, it's so complicated you could write a book about it."

James nodded, his grave eyes ricocheting in mine.

"Believe me, I get it." His tone made me suspect there was a story there, but he didn't seem to want to talk about it.

"Anyway, I don't think he will come. We kinda had a nasty argument before all of this happened." I ended up saying, trying to conceal the sadness from my voice and failing as epically as Christopher Columbus stumbling upon the Americas when trying to get to Asia.

"An argument won't stop a man from protecting someone they care for." He declared, his face turning faceless, vacant, as if his mind was a battlefield and he was trying to desert. His voice was robotic, folded so deeply in itself I couldn't detect a tone. He was clearly trying to run away from the demons inside his head, but it seemed impossible when they were already ahead of him. We couldn't run from ourselves. "And if Logan is who I'm starting to suspect he is, even if he doesn't come after you, he'll come for me."

I gulped, averting my eyes from his because I couldn't handle the strife in them. "Why do you say that?"

"Because I think I killed his wife."

My mouth fell agape, all my thoughts unable to think. "What... how... when..."

"Last century." James continued, his tone reduced to static, his metal hand engulfing a jar in a strong grip. "I fought beside him on World War II and years later I was assigned to murder his wife as a way to lure him out... her name was Itsu."

I moved my hand instinctively towards his, taking the jar away before he broke it and holding his metal fingers in mine.

"James, you know, right?" I asked, desperate to assuage some of his pain, to pacify some of his war, even if I couldn't reach it, even if he couldn't either. "That when you were pulling that trigger, the person in front of it was not the only victim? It wasn't your fault. None of it was."

"Yet it still feels like it." He said, his eyes looking down at my palm touching his. He didn't move, and I wondered if he could feel me. "All of it."

Even with my past with HYDRA, I couldn't imagine what he was feeling or what he had gone through all those decades. He had been there long enough to see empires fall so worse ones could rise.

"That's why I felt drawn to you, you know?" He continued, his gaze skimming back up to meet mine. "Because every prisoner heard of you. The girl who never killed. The subject who refused to be subjected. The human who survived HYDRA without succumbing to their inhumanity."

I looked away. I had no idea that was known. During my time in captivity I was mostly kept away from the other prisoners, without any human contact, because it was easier bringing out the animal from inside me that way. "I might not have used my hands, but people died because of me. Because I was not strong enough to give them a quick death."

James shook his head, the tenacity in his eyes washing away some of the blankness.

"You refused to kill because there was a part of you that still believed they could survive. That they'd spare them."

"But they didn't." I said, my fists curling into balls. "I watched them die in front of me. All of them. And I couldn't do anything."

"You tried, at least. Some of us, once given an order, didn't even hesitate." James argued, and there was a faint line of envy in his encircled voice.

"I was only there for two years, that's why they didn't get to me that way. But they got to me in many others, and who knows what I would have done if I'd stayed longer." Our eyes locked, and in that moment I didn't know who was trying to save who. "James, I... I can't imagine and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I wish you could have had the life you were meant to have instead of existing in a life you wish you never had. I wish I could take away the pain and the guilt. I wish I could meet the versions of us HYDRA never got to infiltrate."

His metal hand curled softly around my closed fist and he squeezed it delicately. "Me too. But this is what we've got, so that's what we'll have to work with."

"And you know what they say, two broken pieces work better than an unbroken one."

"Nobody says that."

I smirked at him. "That's because they don't know us."

James shook his head, the tiniest smile tugging at his lips as his fingers hesitantly brushed my nails. "Do they hurt?"

"When they come out." I nodded. "But it used to hurt more, when I resisted them. I think when we accept the parts of us that hurt, we can better decide how much they can hurt. And we can choose how they hurt."

James glanced at his left arm briefly. "I guess you're right."

"Can I ask you something?" I asked and he nodded. "What's it made of?"

"I don't know. I don't remember if I've ever asked, but even if I have, they wouldn't have told me. They didn't tell me anything. They would put me into cryostasis between missions to keep me under control, stop me from aging and preserve my strength for future missions. My memory is all fragmented because of that... and yet I can remember all of them."

He didn't need to say who. His victims.

"How far back do you remember?" I murmured, afraid to push him too much but needing to understand him a bit more so I could help him better.

"My memory doesn't work in chronological order." He said, his face going back to a blank state, his eyes to vacancies. I could imagine that's how his thoughts were; empty slots waiting for the coin. "It's all scattered... bits and fragments that come and go as they please and that I try to hold on to before they vanish. Sometimes they slip through my fingers before I can even identify or interpret them; other times they'll haunt me so bad all I want is to forget. The worst part is not knowing what is true and what isn't. I can't escape the feeling of deception, that my mind is betraying itself. It's like I have my whole life on the tip of my tongue but I'm never able to grasp it."

His speech reminded me of Logan, and I wondered if Charles, Jean or another mind reader would be able to help him, although I doubted James would want anyone else in his mind ever again.

"I remember Steve a lot. Maybe because he's been there so much. I remember the war, because souls don't forget what twisted them even if minds do. I remember my unit being captured in 1943 and Arnim Zola experimenting on me. Then Steve saved me; because he always had that annoying tendency even when he was the one who needed saving."

I smiled upon the subtle tenderness in his voice I was sure he wasn't aware of.

"Then I remember falling from the train and not dying because of the previous experiments. My left arm was ripped from my body with the impact of the fall and I was handed over to HYDRA's Soviet section. There I went through further experiments as a part of the Winter Soldier Program, got this," James gestured at his arm, "and started being trained and programmed. They would use all kinds of mind tricks to keep me under control, brainwashing me so I'd obey them without question. I was indoctrinated to unfeel and molded to kill. But I would suffer breakdowns sometimes, remembering someone I shouldn't or doing something different from their orders. So whenever I completed a mission, they would wipe my mind so I wouldn't remember it or feel anything towards my victims. Over time I lost memory of everything except what needed to be done."

My fists shook dangerously from how hard I was squeezing them. I didn't know I could hate HYDRA more than I did, but that was before knowing him. Then my eyes landed on the red star and my face crinkled in thought.

"So HYDRA was operating in Russia too? Is that why you speak Russian, use Soviet weaponry and ammo, and everything in the first aid kit was in Russian? Did the vibranium bullets come from there too?"

"HYDRA didn't just infiltrate S.H.I.E.L.D. but other governments and organizations worldwide as well, Russia included, but I don't think that's where the vibranium comes from. They have a lot of connections to the underground black-market, I think that's how they get it. I managed to steal some from HYDRA, but I have no idea of the origin, only that in the wrong hands it can do a lot of damage."

I looked down at my nails, getting my claws out and startling James again.

"Jeez, kotyonok, don't do that without warning. It means kitten, before you ask."

"I wonder where it comes from, then. Another country?"

"I don't know, it may not even come from this world."

"So, I'm not just out of this world figuratively speaking?" I smirked, and James threw me a forged glower. "Whoa, easy on that smolder, Soldier."

Now the sullen look turned real, and I smiled sheepishly at him.

"Sorry, I've been told I'm a difficult student. Go on."

"After Second World War, HYDRA was pretty beaten by itself, but not gone. It was lacking resources and it desperately needed to find new institutions in which it could grow in without being detected or supervised. In the post-war, there were only two countries and two organizations in the world that could provide just that – funds and secrecy."

"The US and the USSR. So HYDRA infiltrated both S.H.I.E.L.D. and the KGB?"

"Exactly. But the Winter Soldier couldn't be moved to the former because S.H.I.E.L.D. was just getting started at that time, and most of them knew my face there and were loyal to Captain America. So they moved me to the Soviet Union, and I wasn't the only HYDRA member there. Just like United States had the Paperclip, the Russians had their brain drain as well. The KGB recruited many German scientists and soldiers to work in the USSR, many of whom were infiltrated agents from HYDRA. So while the KGB used us thinking they had full control over us and that we were working for their goals, they weren't aware in reality it was HYDRA pulling the strings behind the scenes, and that we were just carrying out their agenda."

James made a pause, his split eyes wandering over the place with nowhere to stop. He seemed like a missile whose mission was cancelled.

"So, in the 50s, Department X, a KGB division created to produce and train Super-Soldiers to fight the west and in which I had been inserted, had no idea that many of its assets were in reality working for HYDRA. That department created the... Red Room Program and Academy and recruited girls and women to turn them into deep-cover spies who would then infiltrate China and the West. I was brought in to train some of them but... something messed with my programming there."

"Something?" I asked hesitantly, because I knew love when I heard it, unless it was directed to me. "Or... someone?"

His eyebrows rose reluctantly, but he nodded slowly, a quiver crossing his face abruptly, like an earthquake scales couldn't measure. "I don't remember the Red Room much but... I think I remember her or at least the feeling of her."

I didn't ask him who her was, because I once had a him I couldn't speak of either, and because in a mind that had been everyone's but his, he needed his privacy.

"So that's why you said you understood when I told you things between me and Logan were complicated." I stated. "She was your pupil too."

"And most likely the best." I saw his Adam's apple move beaneath his skin. "But I can't be sure, everything is blurred. I know I taught them combat training and how to operate without being detected, but mostly my job was to shape them into the same assassin I was. That I still—"

"You saved my life more than once." I interrupted, fire lacing my words. "You carried me through the woods with HYDRA on our tail and you took a bullet out of me. No one was telling you what to do and you chose to save instead of kill. That's not what an assassin does. It's what Bucky would do."

His expression was immobile when he made our stares clash, but his eyes were moving mountains. I knew he was thanking me, but he didn't have to.

"I... I couldn't let you die. You're here because of me."

"I'm here because I chose to. Because you're right, HYDRA needs to be stopped. And I should have had the courage to do this years ago, but instead I decided to close my eyes and let innocents like you continue to be used by them when I knew what they were doing all along. So that blood in your hands? It's on mine as well. It's on everyone who knew and did nothing. Most people are guilty not because they act, but because they don't. Passiveness is a crime too. And I'm atoning for it from now on."

"If anyone deserves redemption, I think it's you." James made a small smile that quickly vanished when he rummaged through his past looking for leftovers. "So when they... discovered that glitch in my code, they took me away and wiped my mind harder. They put me into cryo again and would only wake me up whenever they needed me to complete a mission, putting me back on ice as soon as I finished it. Then in 1991, when the USSR and the KGB went down, HYDRA transferred their infiltrated assets, me included, to America, where it was already growing strong within S.H.I.E.L.D. But even if the faces or places I was working for changed, my job was the same. To kill so quickly and efficiently people wouldn't even think I was real. They'd call me a ghost. President Kennedy? That was me."

My eyes widened against my will, my mind unable to imagine just how deep his guilt must be running, so I tried to get the conversation back to something I hoped made him feel better.

"Do you know if you've ever encountered her again?"

"I think I did, in a mission in Odessa years ago. But the reinforcement of my programming worked so well I didn't recognize her. I shot right through her and felt nothing, and now that makes me feel everything. But I... didn't kill her when I could have, so maybe a part of me knew. Maybe she's another thing my soul can't forget, even if my mind has." He paused, his mind drifting off to some other place or time. "Sometime in the last decade, I was placed on the same base you were taken to later. I was Prisoner 56898."

I dropped the fork on my plate, my mouth agape as my mind searched for any little detail that could link me to him. I had heard about the Winter Soldier there, about how he was the living proof of what a successful brainwashing could achieve, and here and there I caught references of other prisoners, but I couldn't remember the numbers. Only mine.

"I was Subject 666. The number of the Beast."

James eyes bored into mine, offering me all of his empathy. "You're very far from a beast, Felitsiya."

"Did you ever see me?" I asked in a quiet tone, remembering the elegant men watching me behind the glass when I was ordered to kill.

"No, not that I remember. You?"

"The same. Do you think if we had met, we could have helped each other?"

James shook his head, a sad serenade playing in his mellow eyes. "I think it's more likely that we would have killed each other."

I nodded. "Thanks for telling me all of this, I know how hard it is."

"I owe it to you. If we're going to do this, I feel like you deserve to know who I am, since the whole world has an opinion on it and I want you to be able to form yours. Besides, putting things out loud, it helps. I don't remember everything I said like I told you, it's just bits I've gathered along with files I managed to get my hands on or that were exposed when S.H.I.E.L.D. fell."

"I didn't see most of the data that went public, I wanted to stay away from it as much as possible, but maybe I should have. From what you said, my files weren't leaked and only a group of elite knew about me, right? Then how did they find me? How did you? And why now?"

"I vaguely remember that your disappearance with the help of Spider-Man years ago made quite a commotion within HYDRA. Heads were cut. The project you were a part of was considered a failure, shut down, and most of the people who knew about it were transferred or killed. HYDRA lost interest in you, considering you of no use since their plan was never completed and they never got to see your power coming into action in the field. They didn't see you as a threat either, as someone that could potentially denounce them, given your age and your previous past with the law. Besides, soon enough other events arose their interest. Tony Stark built a revolutionary suit and escaped from a cave. Gods fell from the sky. Aliens invaded New York and the Avengers assembled. So for a time, they focused on other things."

"But then last year, Cap blew their cover, exposing them within S.H.I.E.L.D, and both organizations got fractured." I followed his line of thought. "They lost you, one of their best. So they went back to their older projects, desperately trying to collect new assets. Or recover lost ones."

"Exactly. My assumption is you were one of their first options, so they dug out your project and started searching for you, but for a while they couldn't detect you, until November of last year."

"When I went to New York and Spider-Man helped me again." I gulped, because the implications of being out in the open had never felt real until being here now. My mind went back to my discussion with Logan, to his warnings. Goddamit, why was that man always right?

"Yes. During all this time, HYDRA thought they had failed to trigger in you what they've been craving the most, the thing that made you stand out from the other prisoners."

"My Probability Manipulation power." I nodded. "I used it that day."

"And when witnesses started saying a young woman with a mask and white hair could magically dodge bullets, they realized it had to be the same girl that escaped from them years before, and that after all your power had worked."

"It's platinum blond." I murmured, but James ignored me.

"That's why they never got to you, they didn't test or knew enough about your power to understand how to make it work in their favor."

"Yeah, they tried to bring it out at the same time they tried to brainwash me so they could use the power for their goals, but both things failed. As if they were working against each other, neutralizing one another."

"I believe since you have the ability to manipulate reality, that also prevents reality from manipulating you. And from being mentally manipulated by others."

"It makes sense. I learned in the mansion that some mutants have resistance to brainwashing and mental probing to some degree. For example, Logan has telepathic resistance since his whole body and skull is so impenetrable. I must have some too, since I can detect when people are in my mind and push them away. That, combined with my power, made me immune to HYDRA's attempts."

"Yes. You're the only person I know who has a mental shield against their ability to control minds, so I was hoping you'd help me make sure they can't control mine anymore."

"If it's up to me, they won't." I assured him. "But if HYDRA saw me in November, why wait until now?"

"First they had to be sure it was you. They waited, see if you'd appear again. I assume they didn't try to ask Spider-Man since he blew up one of their most important bases last time they ran into him, and because they weren't sure he would know who you really are or where you were. In such a critical period, HYDRA couldn't risk drawing any attention to themselves."

My heart winced at the thought that they could have gone for Peter to find me. It was one thing when I put myself in danger, but I couldn't risk him.

"Then in January the Black Cat appeared again." I said. "I joined Spider-Man and more witnesses said it seemed I could turn odds in my favor."

"HYDRA saw you on the news." James agreed. "They had heard about a Black Cat before, but if they thought it was you, they never had the interest to find out, because your power hadn't manifested yet. But now it had, and so they connected the dots and realized it had to be you. They knew you were a mutant, so Xavier's School was where they searched first, and I believe they chose to attack now because the school is emptier than usual. I had been monitoring some of their activity as I could, and when I caught hints that a big attack was being prepared, I hacked into their coms, heard they were going after you yesterday and followed their trail, but unfortunately wasn't fast enough to get to you first."

"But if I was chosen just because of my power, there are other mutants who have it as well. If power to dominate the world and subjugate people is what they want, why not a mind reader? I'm sure there a lot of other mutants out there who are more powerful than me, maybe even people who could erase this entire world with one thought."

"And they have other projects going on as well. I heard something about Sokovia when I was monitoring them. But when it comes to your project, it goes back to last century. To the ideology HYDRA was founded in."

I narrowed my eyes, not following him.

"From what I was able to gather along with what I remember, your project started being planned out even before the Second War started. At that time every country was trying to come up with the best weapons to prepare for the conflict. But HYDRA didn't just want soldiers they could work with in the present, they had lots of those. They were thinking about the future, about the next generations, about what a single person that could live longer than everyone else could do. So during the war, an idea started to form. They called it the Nine Lives Program, to create someone that could both cause dead and survive it."

"So I'm guessing I was the main subject of that project?"

"You were the only one. This was all planned long before you were born, but scientists were already searching for the perfect candidate. Hitler's regime and the war served them well to conduct those experiments."

My body was plagued by nausea once I realized the implications.

"In their twisted logic, the key to their plan's success resided in finding someone with the most perfect combination of genes possible. Someone whose DNA was so close to perfection it was as if they were the next step or stage in human evolution. For them it had to be a mutant, since you already have an extra gene, they just didn't know which one. So they've studied mutants in the shadows for a long time, making deals with other mutants with telepathic abilities to prevent them from being discovered, and to this day HYDRA, or what's left of it, still have them by their side, that's why the mutants in your school were unaware of last night's attack."

"Oh God. So that's probably why they didn't know when I was kidnapped, or where I was kept in either, right? Charles told me HDYRA had cloaked me from the world, as if I had never existed."

"Yes." He nodded slowly, with a heavy heart. "They tend to do that very well. But for them being a mutant wasn't enough. The person still had to match their ideals. And at that time, for a certain group of people, having fair skin, light hair and blue eyes meant being superior. For them it had to be someone they thought looked Aryan, it could never be someone else."

"Please stop talking before I throw up." I said, completely nauseated. "Are you telling me I was chosen because I'm the embodiment of the Nazis fucked up ideals?"

"I wish I could answer no, but I can't. That's why the project was created, for racial purity. Eugenics. Whatever you want to call it. And the worst part is they didn't just want to find someone with those genes; they wanted that person to reproduce, to pass on the genes. To perpetuate the species. So in a not so distant future, the population could be improved. All the others who didn't fit would be eliminated, and war was doing that just fine."

"I can't believe this. That's sick." I remembered the injections, the needles, the venom. But I never imagined it would be for something as wicked as this.

"I know and I'm sorry you were dragged into it. For years they searched for someone that matched their warped criteria, their misconceptions of science, but didn't find anyone. Until you hit puberty and the X-Gene inside you started to wake up, and you entered their radar. They probably tested your DNA by getting a hair or object you used, and decided it was you."

A single shiver of pure terror ran up and down my spine.

"I think you know the rest." He said, a wave of compassion crashing over my edges. "And I really wish I didn't have to tell you any of this."

"If anything, now I'm just even more determined to take them down. So those files we are going to get? I assume it's not just paper. They must still have my genes." I said, shuddering at the thought they could be studying them at this very moment. Trying to replicate them.

"Yes. When Spider-Man destroyed the base you were kept in, they still managed to move your files and DNA evidence into the HQ we will attack now. They don't usually storage everything in the same base for safety, but they're so convinced nobody knows about this they're not taking any extra measures. One of HYDRA's fatal flaws is their arrogance. We'll use that in our favor. I know most of my files in paper are there too, so we can try to erase them too. I know it won't be of much use since there's so much data about me online, but it's a start. Their base is a heavily guarded compound, but they won't be expecting us. We can use today to gather our strengths and plan everything and move in to attack tomorrow."

"Do you think we can do it?" I asked, suddenly assaulted by doubts. "We're only two against... hundreds of them. Shouldn't we, I don't know, ask for help?"

I could see the conflict in his eyes, the desire to cease fire. For someone to come and sign him an armistice. But sometimes, we had to be our own truce.

"I don't have anyone. And I'm not going to ask you to risk the life of your loved ones when you're already risking yours. It's too much."

I nodded. I couldn't drag anyone into this, with the risks involved.

"So, does it work for you? 'Cause if you need more time, we can wait..."

"I took a bullet, James, not a rocket." I nodded at him firmly. "I'm more than perfectly capable of cutting off some heads."

***

Logan's POV

The night before

I retracted my claws once the last body fell to the ground with a thump, my breathing still uneven, more out of concern than effort. Around me there was more blood than soil, and the metallic smell had made her scent vanish in the air. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't let her trail go cold. I can't lose her.

Before I could give another step, though, I heard Jean and the others speeding towards me, their faces red from trying to catch up to me. Great, just what I needed.

"Logan..." Jean let out, appalled, as her eyes landed on the hunters I had turned into preys.

"Not a good time, Jean." I said. "We need to find her."

"Charles is working on that." Jean declared, a scowl forming on her face. "You didn't have to do this, Logan."

"Maybe not. But I wanted to."

"Logan, I know what they did was terribly wrong but you should have refrained yourself for once! You can't decide who lives or dies. These men should have been brought into justice, not completely yanked out from their own bodies." Once angelical, her voice sounded like nails scratching styrofoam in my mind now. "You should have controlled yourself."

"Spare me the moral speech, Jean, we have more important things to worry about. We don't know if HYDRA will send more agents, but I highly doubt it, now that they know what awaits them. But we need to find out how they discovered us and how exactly did they know this would be a good opportunity to attack. Tell Charles to contact the Brotherhood. This smells like Emma Fros—"

"It wasn't Emma." Scott interrupted in a firm tone, making Jean's scowl move from me to him. "She can be many things, but she would not endanger other mutants by making accords with non mutants. She knows what organizations like this do to people like us, she wouldn't betray her kind."

"Well, we all know you're not the best to judge when it comes to her, so, Jean, do what I asked you." I ordered. "The school won't be safe until we find out how they got to us. We're understaffed, you should all go back and help Ororo with the kids."

"So you can stay here and continue your killing spree?" Jean accused. I knew she was mad because she couldn't help but feel empathy even towards the worst of monsters. That's what had made me think for so long that she could love and choose me. "I expected more of you, Logan."

"Yeah, that's your problem, you always do." I told her, and now it was me shooting lasers with my eyes, not Scott. Felicia would understand. Heck, she would probably join me. After all, she did the same thing. It was only then it occurred to me Jean could be putting on my body count the soldiers Felicia had most likely killed. I'd gladly take the blame for her, because the last thing I wanted was for her to be expelled from this school. That is, if she ever returns. "I did what needed to be done, I'm not going to apologize for it. If you want to lecture someone, choose a student, but stop wasting my time. And yours. We both know I won't change. I'm not someone you can shape or tame. I wasn't made to fit into your hands or your morals. You've got Scott for that."

"I'm starting to think I should have stayed in the mansion." Longshot joked, but was quickly silenced by three death glares.

"Go back to the mansion, secure the perimeter and let me handle this." I asked. "I'm going after her, but I can't waste time or let her trail go cold."

"Logan..." Jean whispered. "You can't lose your head over her."

Why not? When I already lost my heart, maybe even my damn soul?

"Jean, give him a break." Longshot intervened, much to my surprise. "What Logan did, whether wrong or not, it protected the kids. HYDRA would have killed us all without a second of hesitation if they could, Logan just nipped it in the bud. Besides, can't you see how disturbed he is?"

I narrowed my eyes at him in a warning, but Longshot just shrugged it off.

"Jean, let's go." Scott backed up. "We're not doing anything here. Let's make sure everyone's safe and then we'll come back to clean the mess."

"Fine. Logan..." She looked at me, that empathy of hers softening my rough edges. "Just be careful. And bring her back."

I nodded at them and Jean and Scott turned around in the direction of the mansion, but Longshot started inspecting the soldiers and the ground.

"You're not going with them?"

"No, I'm staying. Someone needs to keep an eye on you and prevent you from going on another rampage. I'm not censoring you. I know you would do this for any of the kids, but I also know Felicia's special to you and—"

"I think it's better if you stop talking. As you can see," I gestured towards the bodies, "I'm not in the best of moods."

"What I'm saying is she matters to me too. She's the only person I teach in this school, I also need to know if she's okay."

I nodded subtly at him to show him my respect. Longshot and I had our differences, but maybe he wasn't as insufferable after all.

"So, HYDRA clearly failed on taking her away." He commented. "So the question is, who did? Or did she leave on her own? But why would she, if she had no reason to?"

"She and I kinda got into an ugly fight, so I can imagine if she'd want to go away." That's what happens when you try to contain a hurricane.

"I knew I wasn't dreaming with you!" Longshot exclaimed. "I thought I was going crazy, dreaming with Wolverine yelling at me and... I'm gonna shut up now 'cause those claws will not look good on me."

"From her pained scream, I don't think she will be in conditions to go very far on her own. And we need to hurry up, it's going to start raining soon." I noted, sensing the shift of humidity in the air and the rise of anxiety in me. All the footprints I had seen so far belonged to HYDRA agents, but I needed to find hers, and whoever she was with, before the rain washed them away.

"These wounds don't look like they were made from your claws, there's too many scratches." Longshot noticed, leaning over a soldier. "They look like hers."

"You know her. Do you think she would go down without a fight?"

"No, but we need to do something about this before the others find out. You know what, I'm going to get rid of these unwanted visitors while you do your tracker thing. I know that if there's anyone that can find her, it's you, and Logan, I really hope you do."

I nodded at him and walked away, searching the ground for the smallest trace. Suddenly, amidst the blood, the wind brought me that familiar aroma of hers, and I spotted a tatter of her shirt in a branch. I grasped it in my hand while my heart started racing, because her scent brought back so many memories and the foolish desire to make even more.

Then, as the first drops of water touched my skin, I recognized Felicia's footprints, so light it was as if she didn't even touch the ground, and then another ones, somewhat familiar as well. From the deep, uneven grooves on the dirt, it seemed like the person was carrying something heavy and like they were trying to compensate an inbalance between one foot and the other. I knew I had seen that pattern somewhere before, and felt the blood being drained not only from my face but from every part of me when I realized from where.

Last time I had seen those footprints, I was grieving at what they had taken from me and chased them around the world. I got very close to kill him, but he escaped. Now I was terrified history would repeat itself. Because that's what the Winter Soldier did. He wrote history by killing its protagonists.

Then, when he reappeared last year, I had to fight against myself not to go after him again and finish the job, because Jean and Charles told me about him, and it was difficult to blame a man that had no control over his own actions. But knowing he was just a spectator in his own mind didn't make it any easier. It didn't erase the fact that he murdered Itsu.

Now I didn't know if he was with HYDRA or against them. All I knew was I would not let him escape a second time, not when the story he wanted to write was also mine.

"You broke me down and stole my soul
Left me vacant and all alone

But the darker the weather, the better the man
You can take all you want, but not who I am

You can't have my
You can't have my soul"

A/N: Song is "The Darker The Weather, The Better The Man" by Missio. I love their songs so much and woow, this one just reflects Bucky amazingly!

Gif is Bucky again because I love him so much.

Also, I love Stucky and I love Buckynat. Whether romantic or platonic, both these ships have so much potential and angst I just had to bring a little bit of them into here. But I wasn't too specific on either, so I leave it to your imagination!