C H A P T E R   8 :   V I P   T I C K E T   T O   H E L L

It was only upon arriving at the mansion that I remembered I should have asked Bianca to not tell anyone about my secret. But, for some reason, my sixth sense was telling me I could trust her so I tried to let the matter go.

The mansion was quieter than ever. Everybody was either at the lake or asleep, so I went into the living room as silently as possible. I just needed to sit down for a while in the dark, organize my thoughts. Or better said, try to put some order in the chaos of my emotions. 

I shouldn't have been this affected, but it bothered me Bianca had found out such an important part of me. And it bothered me even more the ache my heart still felt. 

Sighing and without turning any lights on, I jumped to the couch and screamed when I felt a body flinch under me. I couldn't avoid it, it scared the shit out of me. My heart was all over the place. My mind was a complete mess. And now I was being pressed against a wall with three dangerous adamantium claws pointed to my neck. To sum up, the definition of a perfect night.

"What the fuck, Logan!?" I shouted angrily.

Grey sweatpants, simple t-shirt, messy hair, he was breathing hard, sweat all over his body. It was clear that I had woken him up from a nightmare. He looked terrified, completely out of himself. This was not the Logan I knew. It was someone much more... real. Much more hurt. It scared me, because the resemblances between us had never been so evident.

His left arm was still pinning me against the wall while his right one showed his claws smiling in my direction. Having those toothpicks pointed at me by a raged Wolverine wasn't as funny as one could think. I could see his stare was blurry and unfocused. He wasn't here yet, but still trapped somewhere inside his mind. His heart mirrored mine in speed, but I had a feeling the fast paces were for different reasons.

"Fuck, Logan, it's me!" I tried reaching out for him with my voice since he was preventing me from moving. I started feeling anxious. If he didn't let go of me soon I would have no other choice but to smack my mentor's head with one of the moves he had taught me.

My words seemed to ignite a reaction in him and he looked down, his eyes roaming over my dress without understanding. Pretty sure a sexy black dress wasn't included in his nightmare. His eyes widened when they locked with mine and finally saw me. He instantly let go of me and the claws in his left hand returned to the place where they never should have left. Or never should have been, in the first place.

"Felicia." He sighed of relief. "It's you."

"Surprise!" I exclaimed, trying to slow down the pacing of my heart. He had scared me, yes, but nothing had scared me as much as the memory of a heartbreak I thought I'd gotten over.

"Did I... did I hurt you?" He questioned in concern, closer to me than he would probably want to be under normal circunstamces. Not that I was complaining. "I didn't... I didn't want..."

"You didn't." I rolled my eyes. Everything was being too much this night. I was feeling too much. Alex and Roberto's departure, Bianca crushing on Philip, Bianca discovering my secret... him, him, him... and now Logan, this proximity. His agony. I felt overwhelmed. And when I got overwhelmed, I had the tendency to explode on the nearest person. "You didn't hurt me, Logan."

But still I am in so much pain.

"I'm sorry, Felicia, I wasn't in me, I---"

"Yes, you were." I interrupted in a harsh tone. I couldn't control myself. All I could feel was aching. I needed it to stop. The only way I knew how was inflicting it upon others. "You were in you. You just thought I was somebody else."

I saw a glimpse of rage going through his eyes, just before Logan concealed it within him.

"I had no intention of hurting you, Felicia." He said, his voice harsher. Ah, here was the Logan I knew... This one I could handle. The severe, tyrannical tone he always used with me. His contained posture. His mild wrath. Our famous bickering students loved to watch. The other one, the out of control, pained Logan? That was too much. "I thought you were... I thought..."

Who, Logan? Who did you think I was?

But that's not what I said.

"Yeah, yeah, you thought I was the monster in your dreams. Guess what, unexpectedly I am not. Now, as much as I'm loving our little moment here, I'm tired and my bed's calling, so if you could fight your manly desires about me, and let me pass..."

He clenched his teeth and fists at the same time like he used to do when I provoked him in class. For some reason, the sense of familiarity calmed me down.

"You know what, Felicia, you can be a real child when you want to. Get over yourself." Logan replied with thunderous rage, storming out of the room like a hurricane, leaving me devastated.

I swallowed. Just what I needed, guilt on top of all my other emotions. I tried to supress the remorse but it was of no use. I knew very damn well what was like to wake up from a nightmare completely panicking, and how badly one needed comfort and peace after it. Instead, I had just told him shit. I had seen him at his worst and I had done him worse. I felt shitty. Miserable. 

I felt like running away.

***

The wind on my hair gave me the same reassuring effect of the past. Squatting on a rooftop, I observed the city beneath me. I had to leave. I had to get away, I felt suffocated. Trapped. Whenever I felt that, I got desperate for an escape.

Stealing was my escape.

I tried to focus on my senses to forget the thoughts running wild in my head, but it was of no use. The mix of anger and despair in Logan's face refused to leave my mind. I had been so insensitive. I had no idea what he had gone through in that nightmare and not only I hadn't helped him, I had even mocked him. God, sometimes I hated myself. Why did I always hurt others because I was hurt myself? Why did it keep happening?

I shook my head violently. Get over yourself, he had said. So that was exactly what I was going to do.

With the help of my grappling hook I swung from roof to roof, enjoying the sensation of freedom washing over me. I let my instincts and senses guiding me, away from the police, closer to the jewels, until I arrived at a closed expensive store.

Everything was quiet and empty, including me. With my suit on, I landed silently on my feet and quickly managed to enter the shop using one of my claws. I looked around to all the marvels around me, deciding on which to choose.

Everything was sparkly and beautiful, like I loved, but suddenly, everything seemed useless and tedious. I stopped my hand just above one of the boxes of glass where an intricate, pricey necklace was being kept. 

My hand didn't move and I cursed under my breath.

Stupid school, you're changing me. You're making me question myself. And you're making me want to come back to you.

When I had walked out of the mansion and determinedly made my way towards my motorbike, I thought I was leaving for good. I'd only come back to grab my stuff and that was it. I thought I'd feel like myself again in my old life, that I'd found comfort in stealing like I used to. But now that I had found something better, stealing just didn't feel as good as before. It had lost its fun. Now that I had experienced something else, I was incapable of falling back into my old habits.

I knew I would return. I knew that despite what had happened the mansion was still the place I felt better at.

Sighing, I exited the store, making sure I left no trace of my presence behind. I couldn't risk being caught on the only crime scene I hadn't actually commited a crime.

As I was making my way towards my apartment, though, my attention was caught by someone entering a hotel. Perfectly normal, except the person was... Logan. My eyes instantly narrowed in an attempt to comprehend. What was he doing here? Was he going to... meet up with someone?

I felt a slight pain in my chest, as if someone had squeezed it. What's going on with you? What's happening inside? I shook my head. Perhaps a good night of sleep would get me some answers.

***

When I arrived at Xavier's School the following morning, Charles was, without suprise, waiting for me.

"Missed me that much?" I tried to chuckle, but failed. Professor X was staring at me with that unreadable expression that always made me feel analphabet.

"You broke my rule, Felicia." He said.

"Which one?" My eyebrows raised challengingly. I didn't need a morning lecture. And I was more terrified of getting expelled than what I thought possible.

"You know which one. You sneaked out last night and made Black Cat come out alive in the streets of New York."

"Oh, not, that was just me doing a little cosplaying. You know how it is." I didn't know why I kept on with the mockery, I was only humiliating me. But humor was a breakout from the demons in my head, so I used it as often as I could.

"Felicia." Charles called. "This is serious."

I sighed under his piercing stare. I could never keep my mask on for too long with Charles. And he didn't even need to read my mind. Some people just cracked your defenses like that.

"I just needed to get away. I didn't steal. I'm sure I don't need to promise for you to believe me."

Charles agreed with a nod.

"I'm aware of your intentions. And I'm proud of you."

"What?"

"You fought the temptation. You didn't give in to your urges. You didn't give up on you."

I rolled my eyes.

"You're talking as if I'm a drug addict."

Charles' eyes remained impassive and serious.

"We are all addicted to something, Felicia."

I crossed my arms over my chest.

"If you're going to expell me, please do it as quickly and as discreetly as possible."

"No, Felicia, I'm not going to do that. You shouldn't have run away, but I understand why you did it. I'm not mad at you. When the moment of deciding came, you made the right choice. And you came back. But as I'm sure you understand I couldn't let this situation go unnoticed. I'm not going to punish you, I feel like you punish yourself enough. Just know that... if you ever feel opressed again, you can talk to me. We're here to help you."

"I don't know how to accept help." I said without thinking. "I don't know if I deserve it."

"Of course you do, Felicia." Charles gave me a paternal smile that almost left me teary-eyed. "And with time you'll learn you deserve yourself too."

***

With my late arrival I had skipped the first lesson and now it was time to face Logan. After last night I felt anxious about seeing him, I didn't know how to face him. Or even if he would be able to look me in the eye. The possibility he wouldn't was annoyingly bothering me.

After changing into a white top over a black sports bra and some black leggings, I went outside, and because my mood couldn't get any worse, it started raining. Because I just loved rain.

Cursing my luck, I looked over to the training camp where the combat lessons had been held so far, but no one was there. I knew there was an indoor gym, so there was probably where Logan was, waiting for me in fury. If he was already mad at me, surely arriving late wouldn't do so much harm.

I ran towards the mansion to avoid getting too wet, but it didn't exactly work. The indoor gym was like any normal school gym. There were a class there having a lesson, but no sight of Logan. Where the hell was he?

"This way." I heard Logan's voice behind me. As he passed by me he didn't even give me a glance. I tried to mentally prepare myself for the torture that awaited me as I followed him into a small room attached to the gym. The floor was filled with training mats, a punching bag was hanging in the far right corner of the room, and there were some closed closets as well. I didn't have to wonder what they had inside since Logan opened one to reveal water bottles, boxing gloves, and other fighting equipment, like several martial arts weapons.

I wasn't too sure having a cabinet everyone could access with the power to kill inside was a good idea, but, oh well, what I did know anyway.

When Logan started taking some of the weapons out and displaying them slowly on a table, I wondered if I would be entitled to a funeral.

"If you're going to kill me, please do it quickly. Satan already has a reservation for me. I have a vip ticket to Hell."

Logan ignored my lame joke and walked towards me, fortunately empty-handed. Guess Satan would have to wait a little longer. That is, if I didn't piss off Logan until the end of the lesson.

"This is where we will train when it rains. Which you obviously didn't know was happening right now." He stated, his eyes darting for a split second to my wet clothes. I suddenly remembered I was wearing a white shirt, now clinging to my body to reveal my black bra underneath.

And something strange happened. I felt uncomfortable. I never felt uncomfortable because of things like this, I mean, I had never been bothered with showing a little too much.

Something about Logan made things feel different, and I didn't like that at all.

"Don't you have something else to change to?" He asked after realizing I wasn't going to match his comment with one of my usual witty comebacks. I shook my head, so without saying another word, he took his grey hoodie off and handed it to me, displaying a tight white sleeveless t-shirt unerneath that clung to his body in all the right spots.

Hold on, Satan, I feel like I will die after all.

Someone please help me.

I hesitated for a second, but ended up grabbing his hoodie and passing it through my head. It was too big for me but I immediately felt better. It smelled of him.

"Thanks." I replied, memories from last night increasing my guilt. I should apologize to him now, but my mouth kept shut. No matter how strong the words were in my brain, I couldn't make them come out.

"Next time make sure you dress according to the weather." Was all he said, harsher than ever.

***

We didn't talk much for the rest of the practice: I showed Logan what I could do with some of the weapons and then he walked me through the uses of some others. He told me to repeat the moves until exhaustion, but I swallowed my frustration and kept going. I was in no right to argue with him after how I had treated him.

Logan was about to leave when I called after him. The guilt was eating me alive and I would murder it before it could murder me.

"Logan... your hoodie." Stupid girl. During practice as I started warming up I had taken the hoodie off, so I picked it up from the mat and handed it to him. Logan had kept the eye contact to its minimum throughout the entire workout and now he was still refusing to stare at me.

"I'm sorry." I said, and my voice came out more honest than I intended. His eyes moved to mine automatically, his eyebrows raised.

"For what?" He questioned, without hiding any bit of bitterness. Ok, I deserved it.

I swallowed. Apologizing was much harder when it mattered. When it meant something.

"Last night." I bit my lip, looking down at my feet for a second. Then I decided that wasn't who I was and forced myself to look up at Logan again, his brown eyes expectant. "You were right. I was immature and inconsiderate. You didn't deserve me being so heartless." The problem was that my heart was too much. "You weren't okay and instead of helping, I mocked you. I know I shouldn't have done it, I know the damage it could cause, and still I did it and for that I am sorry."

I held his blazing stare. It was like looking at an eclipse without special glasses. I tried to decipher something in his expression that could give me a glimpse of his reaction, but Logan gave absolutely nothing away. I felt like I would never go past his walls. He'd never let me in. Or he'd never come out. And why do you care?, shouted a voice inside my mind.

"I'm glad you had the nerve to admit it, but there's no need to overthink it. It was just a nightmare. No big deal." Logan shrugged it off, but we both knew that for people like us a nightmare was never just a nightmare. It came with heavy emotional baggage.

I swallowed. I didn't know what I was expecting, I guess some kind of forgiveness. Reassuring words to ease my remorse. The more I thought about it the more certain I was that I knew what his nightmare had been about. His reaction had been so similar to mine, when I woke up in my bed in the middle of the night with my sheets completely shredded, my claws painfully out and my eyes injected with tears. I thought about arguing with him, telling him I knew it was a big deal.

Instead, I let the matter go.

"Fine. But... if you ever need to talk..." I hesitated. "You know what, just forget it."

It's not like you would ever seek for my help, anyway, I thought, leaving the room before him.

A/N: I don't think I need to explain the picture ;)

QUESTION: Hero, antihero or villain? Which one do you prefer?

Antiheroes are my favorites. They're usually just so complex and interesting, not to mention they often have the best lines and plots. I love how they swing between good and bad, how they live in the grey area between light and darkness, and how they defy conventional codes and make a moral compass of their own! Also, they're the biggest badasses.