you've encountered an update mimic it's like a real update except for there's no art

have dumbass spoofs from my life instead (substitute names used for kicks)

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Marc: and his instagram bio is "man is condemned to be alone" even though he has a girlfriend

Virginia: yikes

Marc: don't get me started on that man

me: get started

Marc: no

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me: did you know they have club penguin up online still

Riana: I did not

me: it's marketed as an "educational instance" which is really fancy wording for "we stole your code and put it up on the internet for free to make a mockery of everything that you love" 

i'm making an account

Riana: really now

me: yeah i'm going to be dogballs29

me, thirty minutes later: Riana I'm banned from club penguin forever 

Riana: what did you do in thirty minutes

me: i did nothing 

Riana: do you think it has something to do with the fact you named yourself dog balls

me: dogs love balls what's the issue

Riana: chrona 

me, to another friend we're going to call cardinal: I was framed

Cardinal: FREE DOGBALLS29

me: FREE DOGBALLS29!

spoiler alert he was never freed and i had to make another account for fake club penguin so i could play system defender and lose to my brother three times at cardjitsu 

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my friend, without any warning or explanation: chrona your mom deported me

(he was talking about an ellis island project we did five years ago) 

---

me, to a crew girl: you're the goat

i mean greatest of time not like a regular goat

crew girl: continued silence

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crew girl: *wears a uni from a team she's not on*

me: this is a betrayal

crew girl: *putting her heart rate monitor on*

me: i'm still incensed about this i can't look away

crew girl, topless: really

me: ... (oh shit that was gay) 

crew girl: ... 

me: i have a boyfriend

crew girl: who

me: ...

 ...................

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me: ten dollars for the ticket right

marc: yea

me: ok cool ill be by your house in ten minutes but if i paid you in change would you murder me

marc: yes

me: quarters

me: maybe half dollars

marc: go to a coin machine

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my brother, to the family group chat: I sawed this boat in half and repaired it with flex tape.

my mom: chris are you sniffing glue

my brother: no but maybe a different substance 

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me, looking in the mirror: anyone lose a really ugly child because idk who this bitch is but she's been following me around for ten years