song: video by india.arie

dedicated to: echomore x payungkertas416 for being my first voters. love y'all! :D

special dedication to: live_2_write_AH for calling me a talented writer + being patient w/ me and supporting my work, even though my updates are all over the place and i have no clue what i am doing most of the time. 

i appreciate you all! <3

/   ⋆⋆⋆  /

body image/positivity + talks about eating disorders have become topics taking social media by storm. in light of the COVID-19 pandemic that threw many people into poverty and brought forth a surge of mental health issues, among other things, digital media became a place for personal solace and activism. 

though a largely problematic platform in many ways— chile, that's a whole other discussion🙄— the rise of the popular social media platform, TikTok has assisted in the spreading of positive content promoting self-love and body positivity.

tiktokkers like xobrooklynne and clara_dao use their platforms to showcase their bodies as they see fit and wear what they're comfortable with to show everyone that all bodies are beautiful.

Brooklynne, 17, is often criticized for her belly when she wears crop tops. so, she constantly wears whatever she wants and is unapologetically herself as she uplifts her audience.

Clara, 22, is often criticized for her slender form— a lack of breasts, a flat stomach, little butt, etc. she creates content to remind us that we only get one body to live in, so we should love it and be confident. 

i love love love the movement. i didn't like the idea of TikTok for a long time because of the racism/sexism/egocentrism/insert any -ism here that exists on the platform, but one of the best things that came out of it was this beautiful movement.

so many people suffer from body image issues, whether or not that be in the form of full-blown mental issues/disorders, excessive exercise, or self-demeaning actions, so it is important to highlight these issues and show love to ourselves.

the self-love journey is a process that is in no way easy, especially since some people will attempt to tear down the positivity; however, the representation of high self-esteem, confidence, and self-acceptance can help people.

it is also worth noting that many disabled people have used TikTok to shed light on misconceptions of disabilities. i will make a story part about this later, but it is equally important to be inclusive of these people because they are beautiful too. birth "defects" and burns and difficulties with motor functions or illnesses inside do not determine one's beauty or worth. we are all beautiful, and it is time we act like it. 

honestly, i constantly battle with self-love and poor mental health issues, many of which revolve around my appearance. there were times where i'd look in the mirror and think i was so ugly and would never be beautiful to anyone.

i mean, how could i be? i couldn't even be beautiful to myself. 

but then i tried seeing myself in another light. i'd look in the mirror and study myself, stare into my own eyes and look at myself. i looked at how my clothes fit and pondered over the random acne and dark spots on my face. i looked at the coils of my hair, and the brownness of my eyes. i looked at me. 

sometimes, i saw someone cute, pretty even, but many other times, i saw ugly. it was painful. i've come to realize that the "ugly" outside comes from the pain and struggle inside.

to combat the perceived ugly, i walked away from myself when it was too much or crushed the negative thoughts by thinking of something else, anything else, to nullify my claims. perception is an abstract anomaly that can often fail us, so why can't our self-perceptions be false?

like many things, you have to exercise patience with yourself as you journey on. please, please, please be patient with yourself. not liking yourself or your body is frustrating and heart-wrenching, but you are worth the time and energy spent trying to find your love. you just have to be patient. 

this year, i tried new things with my appearance— wore larger earrings, wore a crop top, got ripped jeans, wore lip gloss a few times— stuff i almost never did when i was younger. because i basically only did sports and schoolwork throughout my childhood, i grew up not caring about shopping and don't know my style, don't know what i like. i'm uncomfortable in many clothes, like dresses, shorts and crop tops. i also don't do makeup and big hoop earrings. it's just not my thing.

and that's completely okay. 

just because the media and people around you constantly show off their skin or make up their faces does not mean that you have to as well, unless you want to. unless you are okay with yourself and are doing it for you. your style is yours, and yours alone. 

you've gotta do you and be patient. don't be afraid to experiment and zip through different styles or changes, even if they seem small. 

anywhozies, i have many examples of why i struggle to love my appearance and my body, but i'm only going to mention the few that cross my mind when i'm at my worst. 

the change in my body image perception started a little before middle school and went downhill from there. because of the hurtful things people said to me, i started thinking that something was wrong with me. before, i had been comfortable with my body. i wore what i wanted and was okay with myself. i could actually smile at myself in the mirror without a second thought. 

"but everything changed when the fire nation attacked." in other words, i used to not care about my appearance, but over the years, my self-awareness grew. i believe it is a product of growing up and it kind of sucks.

the way my clothes fit began to bother me. they were all too big. i was too small for them to accent my barely existent shape. i thought that my body sucked because i didn't have large hips or a bust. i began to hate my hair because it was uneven and didn't grow down or straighten like my friends' hair did. my smile bothered me because my teeth weren't perfectly straight. my lazy, drifting eyes disgusted me because people stared and/or commented, "what're you even looking at?"

i grew up living with my single father, so i did not learn about my beauty. then, when he started dating my ex stepwitch, who he eventually married, things got worse because she tried to change me. she bought me jewelry and clothes i would never wear and permed my hair, effectively messing it up. my mother also permed my hair about two weeks after that, which thinned my 4C hair even more. it took about two years for the perm to grow out. 

cue my hatred of my hair. jump forward to Christmas Eve of 2020 and boom, i chopped it off because i wanted to alleviate my pain. the unevenness of my hair bothered me for so long. i figured a cut would let me start over and maybe feel good about myself. sometimes, it works.

additionally, people constantly told me that i was skinny, so much so that i started to hate the word and only referred to myself as slender. my younger cousin, who is thicc, still talks about my physique in rude ways. my grandmother once said that i was skinny as a bean pole. 

i still remember when i was standing in the lunch line with my two female friends, and a guy friend of mine was behind me talking to some other guys in my class. they were talking about pretty girls. i believe this happened in the eighth grade. 

he was listing off names when another guy said, "what about Dragon (me)?" my friend responded with, "i said pretty girls," and they all laughed. i pretended not to hear them, but dang did that put me in my feels. i felt like crying.

some other time, the same guy randomly looked at me and told me i should wear earrings more because they make me look better. that hurt my feelings too, but to this day, earrings are the only jewelry i consistently wear and enjoy. they've become a part of my look, i guess, and i feel incomplete without them. 

now, i've grown out of the idea that i need them to look pretty, well; mostly, but the reason i started wearing them so much wasn't even for me. tragic. that's not even the worst part though.

one of the most traumatizing things i remember hearing about my body was said when i was 10. a boy in my fifth grade class had looked at me and said, "you must have breast cancer because your boobs are so small." 

i was terrified. that year or the year before, one of my great aunts literally died of breast cancer, and many of my other family members died from various forms of cancer before then. on first thought, i believed i was going to die. when i thought it over, i realized that the boy was just an idiot, but the effect of his words still lingered. 

i've also never really been sought after by people or told that i was someone's crush until recently. these things kinda seemed like a big deal in middle school and affected me. they aren't, but it felt that way. 

back then, there was legit one guy that did like me and told me so. in eighth grade, we hung out more at school, usually in aftercare with another girl. he asked me out with two weeks of school left and even tried to kiss me twice. 

because i'm an idiot, i randomly reached out to him this year and thanked him because i was having a good body image day and wanted him to know that i appreciated the like back then since i felt ugly. he said he didn't remember and just saw me as a friend. i honestly died inside a little that day and have avoided him ever since, even though he follows me on Instagram.

i didn't expect him to still like me or want to date me or anything, but jeez. most of my middle school peers don't remember me on first conversation and whatnot, but dag someone i hung out with so much who i think i liked back straight up forgot they even liked me. of course. story of my miserable life, lmfao.

anyway, let me get off my soapbox. 

the point is that, overall, i hated myself and sometimes, i still do. every day is a process, and you have to be willing to try for yourself. try complimenting yourself on one aspect of your appearance each day or something you achieved that day. try affirmations, try new styles, try some non-excessive workout routines— whatever it is, try!

here's me trying at different points of the semester. my ripped jeans picture wasn't included because you can't actually see the rips. i felt like it defeated the purpose to include it:

also, here's me with a cat named Jupiter that i really really want to adopt:

i know it's difficult and infuriating, but you've gotta do like Janelle Monáe and tell yourself, "i got the juice" and tell the mirror what Lizzo said, "look, baby, i'm the whole damn meal."

you've got this, beautiful. and yes, this applies to men/nonbinary people/every other identity too. you are beautiful in every way. 

⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆⋆

you guys know i love quotes, so i'll finish this off with two:

❝ beauty is the enemy. we try to conquer not feeling beautiful all our lives. it's a battle that can't be won. there's no definition of beauty. the only way to achieve beauty is to feel it from inside without breaking down into individual physical attributes. ❞ - miley cyrus

❝ you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. try approving of yourself and see what happens. ❞ - louise hay  

essentially, be yourself, dude. you deserve it. i love you <3

a/n

idea: 

⋆ from phone note on april 8, 2021/written on april 20-21, 2021/posted on april 21, 2021. 

⋆ i think about this topic a lot as i do not always like my appearance and do not necessarily like where my body is right now. it's mainly because i ran track and swam at the same time, so i want my 6-pack abs back, tbh.

⋆ sometimes i feel amazingly beautiful and other times, i feel extremely ugly, bloated and irritated, but that's okay. some days will be more difficult than others. allow yourself to feel and remember that you are still beautiful even when you feel otherwise. i believe in you :)

preguntas:

⋆ is there a topic you'd like me to think over in depth and talk about? let me know in the comments! i'm always down for research and educating myself. 

⋆ how're you feeling? do you love yourself and your body right now? if not, i hope you do soon. keep working on you. as i used to say in middle school, "stay true and be you." <3

announcements: 

⋆ check out the Booksupportforusers "Promote Your Book" story for a chance to promote your stories! (link in the comments)

⋆ check out the LyraCommunity "Zirka Review Shop" story for constructive criticism and writing tips for your stories! (link in the comments)

⋆ check out the litnaijateens "LIT NAIJA TEENS GRAPHIC REQUEST." story to request a some graphics for your stories! (link in the comments)

⋆ check out the OpulenceDeluxe "Opulence Writers Awards" story to enter to win an award for your stories! (link in the comments)

⋆ check out the story "The Last Day of October" by ashthunder123 because i am shamelessly promoting my friend's new book ;)