#war3wp

Chapter 2

Ideals

"Is he sleeping?" is what Adonijah immediately asks when he enters the house that night with two boxes of pizzas in hand.

Overnight. Madalas naming gawin 'yon lalo na nang dumating si Hanniel. They love seeing him that we always try to make time to gather together. Pero dahil magkaklase kami ni Adonijah, siya ang madalas kung bumisita.

"Yup!" I tell Adonijah, sitting next to Ida Mishal who's currently browsing the movies on the TV. 

Ida Mishal has her legs crossed, her one arm over her stomach, and her other hand is holding the remote control. 

"Don't wake him up," sabi ko dahil no'ng huling beses na pumunta rito si Adonijah, halos hindi niya patulugin si Hanniel at tuwang-tuwa sa paglalaro.

Hanniel loves Adonijah. Mahirap mang tanggapin pero 'yon ang totoo.

Adonijah groans. "Bakit tulog siya nang tulog?"

Agad na tumawa si Jadon na nakaupo na sa sofa. Asiel throws a curse on Adonijah who only grins at them and sits on the huge couch.

"Of course, dumbass," ani Jadon, isinusuklay ang isang kamay sa buhok, nakangisi. "Hanniel's a baby."

"Weak," Adonijah mumbles and laughs when he sees my glare.

For years, I've seen my friends hang out on my living room that it feels awfully normal seeing them all gathered up in the huge sofa. Naaalala ko pa kung paano ako nag-request kay Dad ng malaking couch no'ng nasa junior high school pa kami nina Adonijah dahil gusto kong kumportable kaming lahat kapag dito kami sa bahay nagkikita-kita.

They love visiting each other's houses. Most of us are not too much fond of parties and pubs so instead, we choose to hang out just by ourselves.

"I'm joking," Adonijah says to me, raising one of his hands, grinning at me boyishly. "Mana sa 'kin 'yon. Cool and handsome like his Tito AJ."

"Ew," I say.

"Come on, Han." Nagkibit-balikat si Adonijah at alam ko na kaagad kung ano ang sasabihin niya. "Don't you remember how much you want to always be with me before?"

"Hindi ako 'yon." I roll my eyes, denying it even if it's true. "'Wag kang feeling."

"Don't push it," ani Asiel, itinutulak ang dibdib ni Adonijah pasandal sa sofa. "It's a good thing Hanniel doesn't look like you."

"Kawawa naman si Hanniel. Hindi siya nagmana sa Tito AJ niya," Adonijah says, shrugging.

"More like lucky," ani Jadon at tumawa.

Adonijah raises a middle finger at Jadon and mouthed a curse before he laughs. No curse policy when Hanniel is around. 

"I feel sorry for Hanniel. He'd have to bear with three idiots while growing up," Ida Mishal says, watching Adonijah, Asiel, and Jadon.

I laugh.

"Bakit kasali ako?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ni Jadon.

"Tinanong mo talaga?" Adonijah asks.

"Did I say your name? I said three idiots. Hindi ko kasalanang inisip mong kasama ka ro'n," ani Ida Mishal.

Adonijah immediately reacts, looking at Jadon with his eyes wide, amazed with what Ida Mishal said.

Jadon rests his back on the sofa, watching Ida Mishal. "You're good," he says.

Ida Mishal gave him a little courtesy bow, smirking a little. "Thanks."

Ida Mishal picks an action movie. It's about soldiers and the struggle of being one. Pinanonood namin kung paanong tinatakasan ng bidang sundalo ang mga kalaban nang bigla kaming makarinig ng iyak.

I immediately stand up and leave the living room. Umakyat ako papuntang second floor at naabutan ko si Mommy, palabas ng kuwarto, bitbit si Hanniel sa braso niya.

"Mommy," I call and she nods at me.

"Kanina pa kayo?" she asks and hands Hanniel over me when I tried to take him.

Hanniel stares at me with his cute Asian eyes. Pagkabitbit ko sa kaniya, paatras kong sinuklay ang buhok niya gamit ang kamay ko at agad siyang tumahan. He watches me with his curious gaze. I smile and I kiss his cheek.

"Mga thirty minutes ago, Ma," I say.

Tumango di Mommy at nilapitan si Hanniel. She kisses his cheek.

"Ako na ang nagbantay kanina at nagpatulog. Pinagpahinga ko na muna si Yolly," tukoy ni Mommy sa yaya ni Hanniel. "Itutuloy ko na muna ang tulog ko. Okay lang?"

"Of course, Ma," I say. "Thank you."

Mommy smiles at me and waves at Hanniel who's just staring at her.

"Bye, Hanniel," Mommy baby talks to him and I smile, watching Hanniel gaze at her curiously. Mommy kissed his cheek once more.

Matapos ang halik ni Mommy sa pisngi niya, agad na umiwas si Hanniel at ipinatong ang baba sa balikat ko. Agad na hinimas ni Mommy ang likod ni Hanniel.

"Kanina ka pa nami-miss niyan," aniya. "Sa kuwarto na muna ako. Bukas ko na babatiin ang mga kaibigan mo."

Tumango ako. "Thank you, Ma."

Pinanood kong pumunta si Mommy sa kuwarto nila ni Dad. Papasok na sana ako pabalik sa nursery room nang dumating si Adonijah. Kakaakyat niya lang sa second floor at agad niya kaming nakita.

Agad na umungot si Hanniel nang makita si AJ. He stretches his arms towards his tito and I almost roll my eyes.

"Gising na?" Adonijah asks.

Hindi ko na sinagot ang tanong niya dahil sinagot na 'yon ng pag-ungot ulit ni Hanniel dahil gusto nang magpakarga kay Adonijah.

"He won't sleep now that he already saw you," I say.

Tumawa si Adonijah at lumapit. Agad niyang kinarga si Hanniel at hinayaan ko siya. Adonijah grins and kisses Hanniel's cheek.

"Pogi talaga ng inaanak ko, parang ninong niya," sabi ni Adonijah bago lumingon sa 'kin. "Tara, patutulugin ko."

I doubt it. Hanniel loves Adonijah so much that he's not going to sleep unless Adonijah finally leaves.

Pumasok si Adonijah sa loob ng nursery room, pinupupog ng halik ang pisngi ni Hanniel na tahimik lang at hinahayaan siya. Napangiti ako.

"Sino ang nakita mo sa birthday ni Adam?" tanong sa 'kin ni Adonijah nang umupo na siya sa isang bukod na couch. Kinandong niya si Hanniel na agad na isinandal ang ulo nito sa dibdib niya.

Umupo ako sa sofa kung saan nakahiga kanina si Mommy at bumuntonghininga.

"One of his friends," I mumble.

"Allon?"

I sigh. "Yes."

Tumango si Adonijah. I know that he has a lot to say to me but he chooses to not say them.

"What did he say?" tanong niya.

Natahimik kami. "He just asked me if I am with you and the others," I say. "He's checking on me."

"And?" Adonijah asks. "Galit ka pa rin sa kaniya?"

Natahimik ako at pumikit, sumasandal sa couch.

"I just—" I stop talking when my voice breaks.

Natahimik kami.

Seconds pass by. 

"It's fine," Adonijah says and I look at him.

Sinusuklay niya ang buhok ni Hanniel paatras. Mukhang gumagana ang ginagawa niya kay Hanniel dahil unti-unti nang humihinahon ang paghinga nito, nakakatulog na. Adonijah's eyes are focused on Hanniel but he raises it to me. He smiles.

"You don't have to push yourself too much," aniya. "I understand you, contrary to what you think I'll probably say. Naiintindihan ko kung bakit galit ka sa lahat. Naiintindihan namin."

Tumango ako at pumatak ang luha ko na agad ko namang pinunasan. Nakakapagod nang umiyak pero minsan, tumutulo na lang ang mga luha nang pabigla-bigla kahit na parang manhid na ang puso ko sa lahat.

"You don't have to feel guilty for feeling this way," Adonijah says, looking at Hanniel again, smiling a little. "You need time to heal. We need to respect that."

"Thank you," I say.

"Ang importante, guwapo si Hanniel tulad ng tito niya," Adonijah grins and I glare at him.

Hinayaan ko si Adonijah na bantayan si Hanniel at iniwan siya sa nursery room. He loves sleeping with Hanniel lying on his chest. Bagong panganak pa lang si Hanniel, ginagawa niya na 'yon kaya mukhang nasanay na rin si Hanniel.

Pagbaba ko, naabutan ko sina Jadon na nanonood pa rin ng movie. Umangat ang tingin sa 'kin nina Jadon at Hiel nang makababa ako. 

"AJ?" Jadon asks.

"Binabantayan si Hanniel," I say.

Lumapit ako sa tabi ni Hiel na agad akong binigyan ng espasyo sa tabi niya. He watches me sit beside him and I smile at him.

"Is Hanniel sleeping already?" Hiel asks. Nandiyan na naman ang misteryoso niyang mga mata na kahit ako, hindi ko mabasa kung ano ang totoong laman ng isipan niya. "He might have a hard time sleeping. He loves Adonijah too much."

Halos mapairap ako. "I know! Pero mukhang inaantok pa rin si Hanniel kaya makakatulog na rin siya kaagad."

Tumango si Hiel.

"Rinnah? Won't you call her tonight?" I ask.

"She might be busy," Hiel tells me, avoiding my gaze and focusing on the movie in front of us.

Napanguso ako at pinagmasdan siya.

This is what I feel most guilty about. During the time that I was broken, Hiel and Jadon didn't get the chance to open up their wounds to us. Si Jadon, dahil sa isang babaeng nagustuhan niya pero sinaktan lang siya sa huli. Si Hiel na nagkaro'n ng problema sa pamilya niya. They were hurting too but they still chose to be there for me.

Especially Hiel. He kept everything to himself because he didn't want to add to my problems.

Hindi ko lang siya nabigyan ng oras noon dahil masiyado akong nalunod sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. I tried to do everything that I can to fix the mess I've been into but, sadly, nothing worked.

Hiel and Jadon, although both were going through their own heartaches, tried to be there for me.

Pero higit na naapektuhan si Hiel. Maybe because he treasures his friends so much. Kaya nang makita niyang ang isa sa mga kaibigan niya ay unti-unting nadudurog, unti-unti rin siyang nasira.

Plus his problem with his family. Maybe everything has already piled up and it has broken him inside. The problem is, Hiel doesn't want to spill his thoughts. He keeps everything inside. He doesn't let anyone into his problems.

I try to always respect that. Pero nag-aalala ako sa kaniya minsan. Paano kung unti-unti na siyang maubos? Paano kung wala nang matira sa kaniya?

Sometimes, I am thankful that he still has Rinnah, his childhood friend whom he always talks to. Nasa abroad si Rinnah at isang modelo. I wonder if they're communicating frequently nowadays. Because Rinnah is basically a celebrity, she has tons of issues around her—most of them are dating rumors.

Hiel likes Rinnah and the dating rumors are probably bothering him too. Especially the last rumor.

"Are you okay?" I whisper to Hiel and he looks at me.

"Of course," he says.

Nang matapos ang movie, hinayaan naming nagpe-play ang credits noon sa TV habang nag-uusap patungkol sa iba't ibang mga nangyayari sa amin sa lumipas na linggong hindi kami masiyadong nagkasama-sama dahil sa kani-kaniya naming mga klase.

"I tried to extract blood from Adonijah once," I say. "But he got so mad at me."

"Paanong hindi?" Asiel says. "Did you see his arm, Han? Nagkapasa si AJ."

Agad kaming nagtawanan. Ida Mishal smiles. She jokes that Adonijah deserves it.

"So cruel!" I tell her and Ida Mishal laughs. "Pero mas okay na ako ngayon. I had no choice but to fish for his vein at that time because I will fail the test if I won't be able to get blood from him the first time."

Naaalala ko pa kung paanong kumuyom ang panga ni Adonijah nang sinubukan kong hanapin ang ugat niya nang gawin namin ang activity na 'yon. He didn't react because he wanted me to score high too. 'Yon nga lang, kinailangan ko siyang ilibre ng ice cream pagkatapos dahil masakit ang parte ng braso niyang tinusukan ko ng karayom.

"Narinig ko na naman ang pangalan ko," ani Adonijah na nagpalingon sa 'min sa hagdanan ng bahay. Pababa na siya at ipinapasada niya ang kamay sa buzz cut niyang buhok. He smirks at us. "Hanniel is already sleeping. I'm such a good tito."

"He's sleeping? Akala ko, hindi siya makakatulog dahil nando'n ka," ani Jadon na tinabihan na ni Adonijah sa couch.

We continued talking about different things. Hanggang sa umabot na kami sa nangyari kanina sa party ni Adam. Natahimik ako nang mapag-usapan 'yon. Hiel leans towards me, bumping his arm with mine and I look at him.

When I see his eyes, asking me quietly if I'm okay, I smile at him to assure him that I am. He nods and remained close to me.

"If I knew Allon would be there, I wouldn't have insisted Hanani to attend," Jadon says.

"It's okay. I know you meant well, Jade," I tell him, smiling.

"Si Allon lang ba ang nando'n? How about the others? The jerks and the assholes?" Adonijah asks, his eyes dimming.

"Siya lang ang nakita ko," I say.

"Kaunti lang ang mga taga-Acerra na nando'n," Asiel says. "If I saw someone familiar, I would've already told all of you."

"Really? Tell us? Or deal with the matter yourself?" Ida Mishal smirks at Asiel.

Napangiti si Asiel at nagkibit-balikat.

"If you don't want to see Allon, we'll make sure he won't cross paths with you anymore," ani Jadon.

Pinagmasdan ko siya, pati na rin si Asiel na nakatingin sa 'kin. Natahimik ako. I really appreciate that they're choosing me over anyone. Kahit na alam kong naging malapit din naman sila kay Allon, mas pipiliin nila ako.

Ngumiti ako at umiling nang kaunti. "You don't have to do that," I say. "I just need time to heal."

Natahimik kaming lahat. Sa namumuong tensyon at napapansin kong galit na nagsisimula ulit na umapaw kina Adonijah, agad kong iniba ang usapan.

I love having them by my side. During the time that I needed someone by my side, lahat sila ay nanatili sa tabi ko, sinusubukan akong protektahan. Kahit na alam kong may iba silang mga labang kinahaharap, nandiyan pa rin silang lahat sa tabi ko at hindi ako iniiwan.

I don't know why I deserve to be blessed with such friends. Na kahit malaki ang pagkakaiba naming lahat ay para kaming pinagtagpi-tagpi.

I can still remember how peaceful life was before. How happy I was before. How gullible, innocent, and pure I was.

Pero dahil sa mga desisyong pinili ko at landas na tinahak, nagsimula nang magkagulo ang lahat.

I have a lot of plans for myself. I have always talked about my ideals. I have always imagined a wonderful future for me.

Pero dahil sa kaniya, nawala ang lahat ng 'yon sa 'kin. O baka hindi naman talaga siya ang may kasalanan. Because after all, it was me who chose in the end.

It's my decision that really mattered. Yet I failed in making the best choice.

It's ironic. I am the most idealistic among my friends and I was always the one who lectured them about always choosing what is right. But look at me now. I am the one who broke my own ideals.