Awkward by clowdyparker

Reviewer: samantha-writes

Cover: 5/5
- This cover is really beautiful! I don't know who made it, but if you did, great job! You really have a talent! It's just so pretty, ahh I love it!
- It's so fitting to the story. The girl hiding her face makes me think about the girl at Roman's "spot," which I think is supposed to be the idea, right? Regardless, it really fits.
- The text is really nice and pretty easy to read. Some of the text at the top is a little difficult to read, like the word "from," but it's definitely not a problem.

Title: 2/5
- The title is really plain and basic. That doesn't make it terrible, but I think you should work on finding a new title. There are probably lots of other options for your story, so look into them.
- It's a fitting title for a lot of the awkward encounters the characters have with one another, but it doesn't exactly fit the plot. Again, you should work on coming up with an alternative title.

Blurb: 1/5
- The blurb doesn't give readers the information they need to understand the base concept of your story. You talk about the mysterious girl with the book, but what does that have to do with the plot? I get that it's a mystery in the story, and I'll get into more detail later on why it doesn't really work as a main conflict in the "Plot" category, but the mystery just doesn't really depict the actual content of the story except for the first chapter. In fact, only the beginning of the first chapter and nothing more. It really isn't what you want readers to think your entire story is about because it isn't. It's about Roman trying to get close to Julianna so that he can get her and his best friend, Alastair, together. And Roman might fall in love with her too, who knows, but that's what you want readers to wonder.
- I think the blurb is interesting. Not interesting in that it makes me want to read the story, but the phrasing is unique and it kind of captivates me. The last few lines are really the ones that I'm talking about (not including the very last line).
- There's just no characters introduced besides Roman, and even then he's hardly given a proper introduction. I'd really love to hear about Julianna and/or Alastair, even if you don't mention much about them. Julianna, at least, seems important to the story.

Characters: 9/10
- I don't think I was completely dumb for thinking that the main character was a girl at first. And yes, I read the blurb, I just practically forgot all of its content by the time I got to reading it. I think I was debating the main character's gender for a while until you mentioned that he felt like a Disney princess, which really seemed like something a girl would say. And I'm not trying to stereotype; I'm aware that men can be feminine, but he's clearly more masculine throughout the rest of the story. And yes, I read the beginning when you mentioned the girl with the book and the boy that passed her, but since you changed to first person after that, I assumed that the main character had nothing to do with either of them until later. Just maybe make it clearer that Roman is, in fact, a male.
- Aside from that, I think your characters are described incredibly! Especially Julianna, like wow! Since she isn't the main character, it's a bit strange that she's described with more detail than Roman, but it's forgivable because Roman is admiring her appearance when you describe her.
- How old are they? I think you said they're in like secondary school, right? I don't remember, maybe that was a different story, but I think it could be clearer.
- The personalities are shown well. I like that Julianna's is interpreted by Roman as her form of characterization and that Alastair and Roman are indirectly characterized. That's some great writing, whether you realize it or not!

World: 10/10
- You really describe Redwood well in the first chapter. All the details about the train and the architecture is amazing! It helps give readers a great idea of the school's insane layout. Like seriously, why is it so fancy? It really called me poor in so many ways lol.

Plot: 13/20
- Like I mentioned before, the plot is really confusing. I don't know if it's supposed to be what I said in the "Blurb" category-that the main conflict is Roman trying to get Julianna to like Alastair back, but they start developing a relationship-but I'm assuming that's going to be the main conflict. If not, I don't think it's going to turn out well. I mean, there are other potential main conflicts, but with what you have written so far, this would be the best. And I hope him getting Julianna and Alastair together isn't just a sub-conflict because if so, what main conflict could there possibly be? Finding out who that mysterious girl is? That doesn't seem very interesting. (I'm already guessing that she was Julianna.)
- Since you said the genre is School/Sports, I'm hoping there's a main conflict and it isn't just a story with multiple sub-conflicts that don't really connect aside from involving the same characters and world.
- I like how you introduce the school and the characters in the exposition, especially Roman and his home life. It really paints a picture for readers.
- The exposition might be a little longer than I'd like, but that's probably because the main conflict is a little unclear, so I don't really know when the exposition ends and the rising action starts. That's your main problem here: the lack or clarity when is comes to your main conflict.

Chapters: 4/10
- Your chapters are so long! I know from reading the story description that they're 2000-5000 words long, which is a normal length for most adult fiction novels, but your target audience seems to be teenagers. I mean, aren't your characters still in school? They seem like teens from what I can tell. At most, they're in college or something, but it doesn't really seem like it. Your chapters are much too long to appeal to most people in your target audience. Definitely shorten them to at most 3000 words. You can probably summarize most of the events in the story to fix this, or you can split the chapters up. Pick whatever works best in your opinion.
- On a similar topic, some of the events in your story seem pointless to include. They don't seem progressive to the plot, so maybe taking these out or summarizing them will fix the previous issue. Just go through and consider which events are actually necessary to the story and which aren't.
- The very beginning of the story is pretty interesting. I love the description and random thoughts even though it is a little confusing sometimes when you don't specify who is thinking what. I still love it though!
- The time jumps are a little strange. I appreciate the little arrows indicating that the events are in the past or future from what just occurred, but they're so small that I didn't notice them until I was around the 4th or 5th chapter. It's just a bit strange, that's all, but I don't think it's too bad. You don't necessarily need clearer indicators of these time jumps, but it would be helpful.
- This could also be considered a grammar issue, but I'll mention it here anyway. Your paragraph organization is a little bit of a problem. I kind of understand why you do this, but it's not grammatically correct. (Maybe I should've put this in the "Grammar" category...) Paragraphs should be double-spaced if they aren't indented, and since Wattpad doesn't have an indention feature, they should always be double-spaced. You do actually double-space your paragraphs, but you sometimes single-space too. I don't think they're typos, but I think you're trying to show that those single-spaced paragraphs are related even though they could be separate paragraphs, and the double-spaced ones are not related enough to be in a paragraph together. Not sure if that makes since, but if my assumption is wrong, it probably won't make sense. Just don't single-space on Wattpad. Always double-space.

Grammar/Spelling: 14/20
- You most prominent issue is your incorrect usage of dashes and hyphens. Dashes are meant to add additional information to a sentence-in the same way parentheses and commas can be used. (See what I did there? I used a dash as an example.) The idea is that the additional information can be taken out entirely to leave a completely comprehensible sentence, so when you place a dash in the middle of a complete sentence, the sentence becomes grammatically incorrect. For example, "Where - is my bookmark?" should be "Where is my bookmark?" "I loosen my backpack and just - walk" should be "I loosen my backpack and just walk," "The fees - are through the roof" should be "The fees are through the roof," and "It's like - nature" should be "It's like nature." There are lots of other examples, but I stopped keeping track after the first chapter. Your hyphen (-) errors are pretty much the same, so just go through and fix them. You tend to use hyphens in the same way you do dashes, which might just be a typo, but make sure you differentiate the usage of dashes and hyphens. Hyphens are used for phrases like "18-year-old," "double-spaced," or "father-in-law." I do want to be clear, though, that you don't always have to just take the dashes/hyphens away to fix the mistake; it depends on the sentence, so make sure to read it thoroughly and make sure it'll be a complete and grammatically correct sentence if you remove it.
- Quick thing to point out: don't put space around hyphens or dashes! NO SPACING! Just leave them attached to the words around them. It looks weird at first, but just trust me.
- Put commas when you're using multiple adjectives in a row. "The sun's soft xanthous glow" should be "The sun's soft, xanthous glow."
- Don't use comma splices. Authors can sometimes get away with them in certain situations, but most of the times they're used in the story, it sounds odd. A comma splice is a comma that separate two complete sentences without using a connective conjunction (for/and/nor/but/or/yet/so). Instead, you can add a connective conjunction, or you can replace it with either a period or a semicolon. So "She slipped a little, it had rained earlier" can become "She slipped a little, for it had rained earlier," "She slipped a little; it had rained earlier," or "She slipped a little. It had rained earlier." It's your choice, after all they're all correct. That's not the only example, though. (Note: When you're debating whether or not a sentence has a comma splice, separate the two phrases and read them to determine if each of them is a complete sentence.)
- Make sure you consistently use commas when writing compound sentences (two complete sentences combined with a comma followed by a connective conjunction). "I haven't yet been here for even a year but I can swear that there's something new everyday" should be "I haven't been here for even a year, but I can swear that there's something new everyday," and "The house is as empty as a shell and my every movement feels like it's reverberating from distant walls" should be "The house is as empty as a shell, and my every movement feels like it's reverberating from distant walls."

Writing Style: 4/10
- Okay, here's where this is probably going to become a little complicated, so bear with me. Your writing style is so sophisticated and I really find it engrossing, but it doesn't fit the target audience. Your story is supposed to be teen fiction, right? At most-like I said before-it's young adult fiction. So don't write it like it's for adults. The story's content isn't sophisticated at all, yet your writing gives off that impression. I'm technically a part of what the target audience is supposed to be, so I was surprised and a little confused when I wasn't very invested into your story, but I eventually realized why. You aren't writing it for the right audience. I'm not saying that you should change your entire story to be adult fiction and only write adult fiction for the rest of your life, god no! I just think you need to adjust your writing to fit the target audience. I hope that made sense! I can clarify in the comments or in PM if you need me to.
- At the same time, you include random text dialect like lmaoooo. While teenagers can find that funny and it does connect better to your audience (making up for the writing being a little off from the target audience like I mentioned just before), it's a little odd. If you're showing characters' actual texts to each other, that's fine. And, I don't know about you, but I never say "lmao" in real life or even think it in my head, and I'm actually a teenager. I guess I could've just said this: don't write how you text. You don't do it too much, but when I see any text dialect, I just cringe. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this before, so take the "lmaooooo" out of the blurb too. I guess I could've gone up to the "Blurb" category and added that point, but I'm lazy af and already committed, so here we are.
- The internal thoughts you throw in do add the audience, but don't overdo it. You know that paragraph that goes:
"I laugh.
He's so funny!!
Wait.
Is he joking?
He's joking.
He must be joking.
It's a joke.
It is a joke."
Okay, we get the idea. It just goes on for too long. There are other instances kind of like this one, but I don't think I put them down. Anyway, that part was a little funny, so maybe just reduce it a little. But I do like those brief moments of #relatable content.
- Your vocabulary has SO MUCH variety! That's pretty admirable, but again, keep the target audience in mind. You're story is meant to be teen fiction, so you should reduce the vocabulary a little.

Enjoyment: 2/5
- Well, I'm technically the target audience, but I didn't really feel like the story appealed to me because of your formal writing style and long chapters. It kind of seemed to become more relaxed and less sophisticated later on, so I started enjoying it more as it progressed, but overall, it wasn't for me.

Overall: 64/100
Your story is pretty good so far! I think you need to figure out what your main conflict is and where the plot is going as your first major step, and make sure the story is actually following that. Then, work on that paragraph organization, writing style, and grammar. Once you're done with all of that, focus on the first impression stuff: the title and blurb-but not the cover because I love the cover so much! I know I had a lot of criticism, but I think this story is very pleasant and could be incredible! I believe in you, so good luck writing and editing!

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