Driven by Blood by xxmissauthoressxx

Reviewer: samantha-writes

Cover: 5/5

— It's definitely well-made, which makes me feel like the story will have just as much effort put into it.

— The dark feeling adds to the mood of the story and hints to readers that it's going to be violent and mature.

— I think the character in the cover should look a little more like the main character, though it's not terribly inaccurate

— You should probably have the word "Blood" in red, but that's just a thematic change

Title: 5/5

— Very unique and thematic title.

— Fits the main character and main conflict perfectly, so I love it!

— Definitely much more fitting than the original title, so great idea changing it.

Blurb: 7/10

— I love the first sentence because it's a great hook for readers and matches the main conflict.

— The blurb is a bit confusing when you first read it, and I think that's because you mentioned "Kalgerra," the"Necrodilex Organization," and "Glasgow," places that readers won't understand or care about until they've started reading the story, so they shouldn't be in the blurb. Perhaps just take out the mentions of "Kalgerra" and "Glasgow" and specify that the "Necrodilex Organization" is Christopher Black's rival organization. (Or you can just make it vague, saying that his rival organization took Hailey.)

— The fragment, "To avenge her family," was sudden and felt unnecessary, so I'd take it out entirely.

— Instead of the last sentence, say that she agreed to find out everything the needed to know about her family's demise or something along those lines.

World & Settings: 3/10

— You don't build the world enough. There are fantasy aspects in the story (the telekinesis and lightning bolts) that were mentioned briefly with no explanation about the magic in the world of the story.

— (You don't have to give an uptight explanation, just maybe have a character ask what powers, magic, or whatever it's called in the story that another character has.)

— The settings, especially in the first sentence, are described fairly well, but I think some of the settings at the Necrodilex Organization were lacking.

Plot & Conflict: 14/20

— This category would be much better off (though a 14/20 is good) if the exposition was more solid, and I have a great plan of how to fix that.

— The exposition lasts for only the first chapter, and it ends by the end of it, so you should dedicate the first and second chapters AT LEAST to the exposition. My plan is that you make the story start off the way it does already because it gives a suspenseful and violent start, which fits the theme, but you shouldn't write that she gets tranquilized yet. Instead, have her return to Christopher and introduce their organization, maybe hint at his project too, then you can have Hailey go on another mission and THEN get kidnapped.

— The main conflict is very interesting and unique to me, it just felt very sudden because of the abrupt rising action.

Characters: 6/10

— Hailey has very in-depth details, which is great because she's the protagonist, and her personality is made obvious by her actions.

— Other characters, mainly those in Necrodilex, aren't described as well. In fact, they have no appearance descriptions, not even David, who's seems incredibly important at the start.

— Most of their personalities and relationships with one another are provided nicely, so I can't complain too much, but it's enough to knock off some points.

— Make sure Hailey doesn't develop too quickly. She already seems like she's changing for the better and I'm only on chapter 6 (but I think that started even sooner). Her relationships with others at Necrodilex should take more time too.

Chapters & Content: 9/10

— The first line is amazing! It really hooks readers into the action and shows Hailey's true form.

— It did feel like the girl being described at the beginning was Hailey, so it threw me off significantly because I knew Hailey was a hitwoman, but it became clear after that. 

— I think you shouldn't let Necrodilex tell Hailey that they sent a message to Christopher saying she joined them so early on, maybe keep it a secret from her. That'll add some dramatic irony and leave readers waiting for them to finally let it hit the fan.

Grammar/Spelling: 10/10

— Not even an exaggeration, I struggled to find any flaws here. Your grammar is fantastic, and as a grammar freak, I was relieved.

— The only criticism I could give would be about dialogue. Mainly that speaker tags, when they're in between or after dialogue, shouldn't be capitalized, even if you use a question mark or exclamation point. For example, "'What do you want?' She sneered," should become, "'What do you want?' she sneered," because otherwise, the speaker tag looks like a separate sentence from the dialogue and technically doesn't indicate that this "she" was speaking.

— Related to dialogue, you should ensure that you don't use actions unrelated to speaking for speaker tags. "He rolled his eyes" isn't a speaker tag because it doesn't indicate speaking. You could, instead, say, "He rolled his eyes, inquiring." (That's quote from "David rolled his eyes, 'How did you even do that??'" where you should also take out the extra question mark. This is picky stuff, by the way.)

— If you're following a sentence that would end in a period with a speaker tag, change the period into a comma. You don't need to do this with question marks or exclamation points, but just commas, and you make that mistake, though minor and sometimes hard to notice, quite frequently. (For example, "'I killed 500 more singlehandedly.' Hailey said," which should become, "'I killed 500 more singlehandedly,' Hailey said.")

Writing Style & Vocabulary: 9/10

— Your writing style matches the theme fairly well, though the vocabulary could be a bit broader.

— Because of the violence, you should acknowledge that you'll be projecting to an older audience, probably young adults and older, so your vocabulary should be expanse.

Enjoyment & Engagement: 8/10

— This story really drew me in and made me longing to read more.

— I was turned off by the sudden mentions of magic in the story without proper worldbuilding, the sudden introduction of the main conflict, and the lackluster characters in Necrodilex.

— Those minor losses weren't enough to dissuade me from continuing, though, because the plot has potential, the grammar is nearly flawless, and the chapters are solid.

Overall: 76/100 

You have a really great story so far! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and I'm looking forward to continuing. With adjustments to the plot and much more worldbuilding, I think this story could be much better. Other than that, your writing is fantastic, so you don't need to worry about that, and you can continue writing 

Links to resources will be provided via PM 💖