Lost Eden by Bluelovesleep

Reviewer: samantha-writes

Cover: 5/5
- My gosh, the cover is absolutely stunning! Novel_Worm did an amazing job! It's probably up there on the list of the best covers I've seen on Wattpad. I just love how it looks so much!
- Not only that, but it's very fitting to the story. The character on the cover looks how I imagine Krista to look based on her descriptions throughout the story, the symbols work together and towards the style of the story, and the text that reads "The Half-Blooded Child" fits the main conflict.
- Some of the text at the bottom is hard to read even with my (*flicks hair*) amazing eyesight, but that's my only complaint. Plus, it isn't a big deal because if it was an actual published story, the cover would be much larger and easier to read, so it's all good.

Title: 4/5
- I had to look up what Eden was (although I felt like I should've known beforehand), and I found that it's basically a sort of paradise? Anyway, it's pretty fitting to the story considering their paradise is, in fact, lost because of the chaos and violence. So it's fairly fitting to the story's overall concept, but it could be more accurate to the main conflict. The subtitle on the cover, "The Half-Blooded Child," is a lot more fitting to the main conflict-despite probably being a commonly-used title-so I'd prefer it to "Lost Eden," but I'm okay with the current title.
- It would be too much effort to change the entire cover too since the current cover is so perfect, so don't even bother changing it. It's honestly still a great title, I'm just picky as heck (gotta make these reviews PG lol).

Blurb: 7/10
- The blurb is a lot longer than I think is necessary. There's a lot of world-building and backstory-explaining (that's a word, for sure) within it, which can be a bit much for new readers. It can do something called "info-dumping," where-well, it's pretty self-explanatory-too much information is dumped onto the readers all at once, and it can leave them being overwhelmed. I recommend that you reduce this.
- On the other hand, the main conflict is so subtly mentioned. It wouldn't bother me as much if the exposition wasn't so in-depth here, but because it is, the introduction of the main conflict feels lackluster. It does make for a good hook, though.
- Good introduction of characters, though. I like the subtle backstories and descriptions. Not too in-depth and not too vague. Great job on that!

World: 9/10
- Sheeeesh, the world-building in the story is really incredible! The location of the London, UK is very clearly established, and the later introduced location of Lillie, France is also provided nicely.
- The way the orphanage is described and the orphans' daily lives there is amazing! There's so much detail that I feel like I understand what it's like to live there.
- Similarly to the blurb, there is a bit too much world-building when it comes to the orphanage. Readers learn a lot about life there, which is good, but it's thrown at them all at once. Again, that's info-dumping, and that's a good way to scare off readers. You're not too bad about it, though, so you get a pass. Just keep in mind that readers don't need to know everything about life at the orphanage, just the basics at first and any additional details about the daily life can be squeezed in later on in the story.

Plot: 15/20
- The exposition does a good job of introducing the situation, world, characters, etc., but it is probably too long. The extensive world-building is a contributing factor to this. Just keep in mind that the readers should learn about the main characters' daily lives, but it shouldn't be at the cost of the audience's interest. I hope that makes sense. I feel like that doesn't make sense lol. Lemme know if it doesn't. Not a big deal, though. It just felt like it took me a while to get to the meat of the story.
- I though at first that the main conflict was that the Immortal-things were attacking everyone, but I soon realized that wasn't the case. That was just the story concept and the backstory. The main conflict, however, is that the creatures are searching orphanages for the half-blooded child, which is obviously Krista. Maybe I'm wrong and I look like an idiot, but oh well. I really like this main conflict. The concept of the creatures attacking everyone isn't the most unique, although I do like it, but I really like the idea of them searching for her. It has so much potential, and I'm living for it!

Characters: 7/10
- All of the appearance descriptions are great! They're a little bit too direct, so maybe show them through action. A common method I use is having a character look in a mirror or something reflective, maybe water, and note their features. Or you can incorporate it into their actions by having them turn around quickly and note their hair color as they do so, or a character could glare at another and their eye color is mentioned.
- Their personalities are fairly clear for the most part, so that's great! I feel like I could explain the characters to other people even though it's not my story and I'm only 5 chapters in.
- Not sure how, but I can so clearly see the potential for character development with most of them. Or, at least, the more important characters like Alexis and Krista. Not sure how you did that, but I like that I can see the changes coming. Maybe other people wouldn't consider that to be a good thing, but I do.
- I wish I knew last names and ages of the more crucial characters, maybe if it was subtly mentioned, though. Of course, these kinds of details aren't meant to be direct, but maybe if you mention the age requirements for being a Hunter, you can slip in some info about Alexis and Krista's ages, I don't know. I'm just brainstorming lol.

Chapters & Content: 4/10
- First line isn't very engaging. That is, the first line of the prologue. The first line of the first chapter isn't bad, though. I feel like the second line in the prologue is better to have as the first line, so maybe switch the first to sentences. Or think of a unique one if you'd like.
- The prologue is over too long a span of time. It should be more like a clip of the moment the creatures started attacking. I would prefer if you didn't mention that the dad (and the mom too? It wasn't too clear) died in it. Leave it unclear and let readers put the pieces together with hints throughout the story. You could probably stop the prologue after their parents leave the car so that readers are on edge, and then when they find out that they're orphans, they're more curious what the exact details are. There shouldn't be an intense amount of world-building and backstory provided in the prologue, it should be a narrative that readers can interpret in their own way.
- The chapters aren't always conclusive at the end and sometimes start off poorly too. I don't know specific examples, but really almost all of the chapters don't feel all wrapped up at the end. Most of them don't start off too badly, though.

Grammar/Spelling: 6/10
- Your grammar is really good considering English isn't your first language! I'm impressed! I didn't find many mistakes at the beginning, but as the story progressed, I found more and more, so I would focus mainly on the later chapters when proofreading and editing for grammar issues.
- Don't switch between past and present tense. The story is established in past tense, so make sure it stays that way consistently. Some of the examples I use to show how to correct grammar issues are in present tense, so when I correct them I'll try to put them in past tense.
- Sometimes you use commas where they aren't necessary. For example, "Allowing me to attend mass, is strange" should be "Allowing me to attend mass was strange." I think you are thinking of that sentence as being complex, but there isn't a subordinating conjunction starting the first phrase out, so it's not possible. (Subordinating conjunctions are words like "after," "before," "because," "until," "since," "while," etc.) Another example is in the sentence, "For, the first time the woman was sorry," which does need a comma but not after the word "for." It needs a comma after the introductory phrase, "For the first time."
- "She saved my sister and I, a few months after we had managed to pass by the fence" should be changed to "She saved my sister and me a few months after we had managed to pass by the fence." It is commonly taught in English that when you list off a group of people including yourself, you should end it with "and I" rather than "and me," but either one can be used depending on the sentence. To distinguish between them, read the sentence without the other people being listed off and without the "and," and test if the sentence makes sense with "I" or "me." Whichever one works, use that word and add the other names back in.
- Although you often use commas where unnecessary, you also neglect them when they're needed on occasion. "I stared at Millie giving the attention she wanted" should have a comma before the additional and unnecessary phrase, "giving the attention she wanted," because there always must be commas around added in information in a sentence. To determine if it is unnecessary, remove it from the sentence, and if the sentence is still complete and makes sense without the extra details, then it is unnecessary and needs commas around it. These phrases especially need commas around them when they start with a verb end in -ing, "giving" in this case.
- The dialogue's punctuation and the speaker tags (sentences that indicate the speaker and can come before, in between, or after dialogue) are oftentimes incorrect. When dialogue is followed by a speaker tag, if it was to end in a period, replace the period with a comma. The speaker tag that follows should start of lowercased unless it starts with a name or "I." If the dialogue ends in a question or exclamation mark, don't change it, leave it as is. The speaker tag, however, should still be lowercased. For example, "'Only the King and Pioneers want.' I said, hugging him from the side," should be changed to read, "'Only the King and Pioneers want,' I said, hugging him from the side." Also, make sure the speaker tag actually indicates speech and not another action that is happening simultaneously. If you want to follow dialogue with an action that isn't speech, leave the period and keep the following sentence capitalized. This was an issue I only saw once, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.
- There are some typos too. Maybe like 1 or 2 each chapter, but like the grammatical errors, there seemed to be more the farther I went into the story, so proofread more in later chapters. Or, at least, look for issues in later chapters.

Writing Style: 5/10
- The phrasing is a bit off, so some sentences confused me to the point that I didn't know what was happening. That's obviously a problem as a result of English not being your primary language, but in that case you should ask for help with that from readers and your editor (assuming your editor speaks English very well and it is their first language).
- There could be a bit more sentence variety. I mainly saw simple and compound sentences, and I'd like more complex ones. There could also be more semicolon and dash-usage in your writing. That would add more variety and spice too.
- It seems like a fairly plain writing style, but not bad, just nothing that stands out to me if that makes sense. But for the audience your story is targeted towards, you should probably have more variety. With such a complex story, the audience will be expecting a writing style with a lot of variety and uniqueness.

Enjoyment: 8/10
- I'm actually really enjoying it so far, now that I'm past the initial somewhat slow pace.
- The arguments between Alexis and Krista get me so heated and emotional at the same time. It's really well-done!

Overall: 73/100
Good story so far with a lot of potential! The main conflict took awhile to find while reading, but it has tons of potential. Make sure you don't go too in-depth during the exposition, else you'll bore readers. The prologue needs to be less of a backstory summary and more of a snippet of what happened that will be open for reader interpretation. The grammar and writing style could use some work, but most grammar issues are just careless mistakes that could be fixed with some proofreading. However, the writing issues could take a bit longer. Regardless, I really love this story! The concept is great and I love the characters, so I'm excited to continue reading because I certainly will be! Good luck writing/editing!