Return In Starlight by TrueSlytherin10

Reviewer: samantha-writes

Cover: 2/5
— The cover is really well-made! I love the background image used, and the box things surrounding the title and the title fonts are really fitting to the image.
— The font used for the author's name feels a little out of place, but I like everything else.
— The cover fits the title well, but how does it fit with the story? From what I've read, it doesn't match with the story at all, and there haven't been many hints at all as to what the cover could possibly relate to.

Title: 3/5
— Again, it's a cool name, but what does it have to do with the story? Like, maybe it has to do with the dreams Amanda's been having, but that's a bit of a stretch. I've read all 8 chapters and have no clue.
— The word "In" should be lowercase. You don't need emphasis on such an unimportant word. It's necessary for the title to make sense, as "Return Starlight" wouldn't make sense by itself, but it's not a keyword, so don't capitalize it.
— The title is unique and creative. I've definitely never seen other stories with the same title, and I don't think I will. Nice creativity there.

Blurb: 1/5
— I don't mind the little snippet of the story at the beginning. It's interesting and engaging for readers. But that's not the blurb. The closest thing to the blurb is the mere 4 sentences at the bottom.
— These 4 sentences are nowhere near enough to give readers proper insight to the story's content. You should have 100-200 words in a blurb. More or less can sometimes be acceptable if the story concept can be gathered from it. However, there definitely isn't enough to introduce the story well to potential readers.
— There isn't a single character introduced, nor is the main conflict brought up. You mention that there is "an extra addition," whatever that means, and the "universal balance, disrupted." But that's not specific enough to inform readers what your story is about.

World: 2/10
— We learn about the map and the mansion place, yes, but we know nothing about the world outside of this. Is it Earth or not? Based on the cover, I want to think it is, but I have no idea because you don't specify the characters and their lives before they started this journey of theirs.
— Assuming this story takes place on Earth, talk to readers about the community or city the characters live in. What is it like? Is it that stereotypical small town where everyone knows each other, do they live in the suburbs and ventured to this forest a ways away from their homes? Maybe they even live in a city, who knows, but I doubt it. Just let readers know.

Plot: 5/20
— You have something like an exposition. It can use work, but it's kind of there right now. We have characters being introduced, although a lot are being thrown at readers all at one time. (I'll rant about that more later.) You introduce the concept of the map and Amanda's dreams. I appreciate that little exposition, even if it doesn't fully introduce readers to the story.
— What is the main conflict? I thought maybe the main conflict would be introduced later on in the story than just 5 chapters, so I read on past my usual stopping point, but I couldn't find a solid main conflict. So they found a map that Amanda has been seeing in her dreams. And her dreams are weird and recurring, so there's that too, but that's not the main conflict. What are they trying to do with the map? Just explore whatever is on it? Like, why though? And it seems like they're just staying at the mansion and not really exploring anything else on the map.
— I just don't feel the story progressing. It feels as if the story hasn't started yet, and I genuinely don't think it truly has. Maybe your intention was for the rising action to start as soon as Amanda found the map, which technically was before the story began, so that would mean there would be no exposition, but that's not how it's coming across. Although I don't think you should want it to come across that way either.
— I recommend that you really take a step back and thoroughly identify the main conflict. You can think about the sub conflicts too, but focus on the main one. Is it internal or external? Then, if it's external, is it person vs person, nature, society, etc. From there, you should plan out the events of the story and how they connect to the overarching plot.

Characters: 6/10
— Stemming off from what I said earlier, there are so many characters introduced all at the beginning. I'm not sure if they're all important, but if some of them are sort of pointless characters, you might just want to get rid of them altogether. I know, that can be hard to do, but it might be necessary. There are so many all at one time that I couldn't keep track. I had to constantly remind myself who was who and which character acted which way.
— Ok, but despite the pile of characters at one time that I mentioned before, their personalities are really easy to keep track of. That was the best way I could remember each one, and it's a pretty effective method, as a matter of fact. So I can't be too upset about the mountain of characters because I got the hang of remembering each one after a while with your clever methods of showing their personalities. I'm honestly kind of jealous of how you do that! All of their traits are so clear, yet you don't directly state their personalities, which is fantastic!
— I really wish you included more character appearance descriptions. I want those vivid details, seriously! Give me some clear images of the characters in my head! Don't make it direct for all of them, though. Just slyly slip in some details about each one. Like have one of them flick their hair or something and describe it. Or Rachel can talk about her paintings passionately while her [insert eye color here] eyes sparkle. I got a little carried away, but that's what I want you to do! Get into it, and get your readers into it with you!
— How old are these characters? I'm just curious because I really can't tell.

Chapters & Content: 4/10
— The first line is okay, but I'd prefer some imagery or descriptions about Amanda and Daniel wandering in the forest at night. Dialogue isn't bad, and the quote you used was a bit engaging, but I think that some details about their little forest adventure would be much better.
— The chapters really don't feel progressive. They feel more like they're dragging on to me. You spend entire chapters hovering on unimportant scenes when you should just be moving on. If it doesn't develop the plot or even relate to the storyline, make it brief. Short and sweet. If it does actually contribute to the plot, THEN you can hover over it and take your sweet time soaking up every detail.
— The chapters just feel boring and like they lack that SPICE I want, you know?

Grammar/Spelling: 13/20
— The grammar was pretty good, but you have some comma errors. Unfortunately, they aren't very consistent, so it's a little difficult to be helpful here, but I'll do my best. My feedback will just be examples from the story and how to fix them.
— "I was not scared though." --> "I was not scared, though."
— "The map, at first was confusing." --> "The map, at first, was confusing."
— "A voice yelled behind me, before I could do anything else." --> "A voice yelled behind me before I could do anything else." Here, if the dependent clause, "before I could do anything else," was at the beginning of the sentence, however, you should use a comma after it.
— "We are sorry, extremely sorry but we are lost." --> "We are sorry, extremely sorry, but we are lost." You need a comma before "but" because "we are lost" and "we are sorry, extremely sorry" both are complete sentences, and "but" is the connective conjunction between them, so you need a comma before it. However, the phrases on either side of the conjunction (for/and/nor/but/or/yet/so) are not both complete, you cannot have that comma. This is probably your biggest issue: commas when writing compound sentences.
— "He got up violently throwing the pillow down." --> "He got up, violently throwing the pillow down."
— There were lots of typos, though. Some of them I wasn't sure if they were typos, mainly "Amands" because I guess that can be a nickname, but I hate that nickname, so I'm gonna hope it was a typo lol. If it is a nickname, you can leave it, I'm just going to be personally triggered, but it's all good lol.

Writing Style: 5/10
— You use SO many italics. It's an interesting and unique style, but it's a bit much. I get it, you're trying to add emphasis, but if you overdo it, the emphasis will lose its impact. You also put words and phrases in italics that don't really make sense to have it. Just stick to words that need emphasis and internal thoughts—assuming that you use italics to show thoughts—when using italics.
— The characters' thoughts are so open to the audience. It's really strange to have a character narrating "Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh. My. God," over and over again. Similarly, it's a cool style, but it's very much overdone.
— In a way, though, the way you write could really apply to the audience if you make some corrections. It will be targeted towards a younger, probably teenage or pre-teen audience.
— In a way, your writing style is very distinguishable. I respect that a lot. With some work, it can be iconic, luv.

Enjoyment: 1/5
— I spent most of my time while reading this story being confused and wondering when the actual story would start, but it never really did. That missing main conflict really makes it difficult to get into the story. What is a story without a main conflict? That's the most important part, luv.
— The chapters felt boring, so I got tired of reading quickly.
— The characters were interesting to watch, but it got old quickly.

Overall: 42/100
The main conflict issue needs to be settled first. Figure out what it is and where the story is going to go based on it. Then, your chapters need to build on it. Your writing could be adjusted just a bit and then it'll be golden. Same goes for your grammar and the typos. As of now, I'm not going to continue reading the story, but with some editing and more writing practice, I'll be willing to revisit this story. Good luck writing and editing!

Links to resources will be provided via PM in the next several hours (I'm about to go to sleep because I'm tired) 💖