Seeking A Family by strong_and_free1

Reviewer: samantha-writes

(Apologies for the late review!!)

Cover: 1/5
The cover looks poorly-made overall. The picture being used is bland-looking, the font for the title is just plain, and there isn't even an author indicated on the cover. This really needs to be updated.

Title: 5/5
I like the title just fine. There's nothing significantly wrong with it; it's accurate to the story and creative. I would advise that you change the word "A" to "a" because it fits better sense it's not a crucial word to the name. Other than that, it's fine, and it's definitely not something I can take any points off for.

Blurb: 2/10
Your poor vocabulary usage was the first problem I located while reading the blurb. Words like "hardness" could (and should) be replaced with "difficulty." "Unequality" isn't a word, but I believe you meant to write "inequality," so you should fix that. Your phrasing is a prominent issue as well, which can be modified by having someone with good English and writing skills help you edit. Moreover, you should state the names of the characters and consider adding a few more details to introduce them. There isn't much mentioned about the main conflict, so that could use an adjustment too. The final sentence shouldn't suggest that readers will be left with "an optimistic kind of thinking," it should insist that the story will provide that. I like that the blurb lets readers know what they will experience, but you should talk to the audience less and explain the storyline more (without spoilers).

World & Settings: 7/10
The orphanage was described very well, though I wish those details were brought up occasionally throughout the story instead of all at once in great detail. The first chapter should be used to introduce characters and the world, but you only introduced the world. I think you could do with less details about the world and bring in the main character in the first chapter.

Plot & Conflict: 8/20
Again, a better first chapter would've raised this score, especially the exposition factor. I'm 5 chapters in, yet I haven't gotten to the main conflict. You should introduce the main conflict as soon as the important characters are introduced to get the plot moving steadily, so definitely modify that. Based on the blurb, though, I don't think the main conflict is going to be very stable. Perhaps you should expand upon the idea of Jayson and Mr. Rostwood trying to find Jayson's family by making the orphanage or outside forces try to stop their search. That would be an interesting idea, for sure! Maybe that's what you're already doing, and if so, it needs to be brought up sooner.

Characters: 7/10
You introduce the characters with great descriptions, though later than you should, but your primary issue is that you use direct characterization (directly tell readers the characters' personalities) with characters that would be much better off with indirect characterization (showing traits through the opinions of others or the character's own actions), mainly Mr. Rostwood.

Chapters & Content: 2/10
You already know that the first chapter need adjustments, but there are other chapters that don't feel like they contribute much to the plot. The chapters "I Have A Dream" and "Thoughts" don't feel like they develop the plot at all, just like filler chapters (except for the beginning of "I Have A Dream"). The organization feels awkward too. Some chapters are too short, and then others are the right length but are separated poorly. You sometimes end a chapter at a bad place and start the next one right off of the previous one, when you could've just combined them to have gotten a good ending and help even out the chapter lengths. There chapter names have awkward phrasing, bad capitalizations, and misspellings too, like "Geting To Know You" should be "Getting to Know You" and "I Have A Drean" should be "I Had a Dream."

Grammar/Spelling & Vocabulary: 3/10
There are lots of problems here, mainly with inconsistency. Your punctuation and dialogue are the most problematic to me, so we'll start with that. You often don't put a space after a comma or period, but sometimes you even put a space before them, which is also wrong. There should be a space AFTER most forms of punctuation. You also incorrectly punctuate and separate dialogue. You use apostrophes ' instead of quotation marks " which is what you should use for dialogue. You also should keep the speaker tags (sentences that go before, in between, or after dialogue that indicate the speaker) in the same paragraph as the dialogue with NO ENTERING into the next line. Also related to dialogue, you need to use a comma instead of a period at the end of a quote if the speaker tags follows it, but you shouldn't do this with question or exclamation marks. You must keep the speaker tags uncapitalized if it's after or in between dialogue, regardless of the punctuation, unless it's a name or "I." You occasionally don't add a comma in compound sentences (two complete sentences combined with a coordinating conjunction that has a comma before it), like in the sentence, "It was also a bit cold there and the light blanket wasn't enough to warm their small bodies," when there should be a comma before "and." When listing adjectives, like "short" and "untidy," you should separate them using a comma, so the sentence, "He had short untidy black hair and green beautiful eyes," should become, "He had short, untidy black hair and beautiful green eyes." Colors are adjectives as well, but most of the time, there shouldn't be a comma separating a color from an adjective prior to it. Other than that, just phrasing is an issue, so I recommend finding someone to help you write and edit. Your vocabulary could and should definitely be improved upon as well.

Writing Style: 2/10
This was a prominent and recurring issue, mainly because of your repetitive sentence structure. There are many sentences in a row that start with pronouns. "He wore elegant trousers and well polished black shoes. He had hard features and strong powerful eyes. He looked like the type of person you don't want to mess with. He really didn't like talking much. Wherever he went, he was always assisted by his cane." It just feels aggravating to read the same structure over and over again. Not only could some of those sentences be combined, but there could easily be more variety when it comes to their structure. Same thing happens later on with the sentences, "They walked down the various paths, turning a few times. They reached a garden, but they didn't stop. They walked under a small gate and continued following another path. They, again, turned once or twice and they were finally located at an open empty space." It's just really annoying to read over and over again, so please change it.

Enjoyment & Engagement: 2/10
I really didn't find much about this story particularly captivating or engaging. I don't really want to continue reading it, though a small part of me wonders about Jayson's family and what adventures he and Mr. Rostwood are going to go on. However, this curiosity is minuscule, so I don't think I'd like to continue reading. Maybe with some edits, I'll get engaged, but at the moment, I'm not that invested.

Overall: 39/100
It needs a good amount of work right now, but I think it can improve with time, dedication, and assistance from someone with good English writing skills. Work on fixing the chapters and plot first because those can change the entire organization of the story, and then focus on the grammar, writing style, world/settings, blurb, etc. It's gonna take some work, but I think it has potential. Good luck, and don't give up on it!

Links to resources will be provided via PM in the next few hours!💖