Take Me Home by WimpieKid

Reviewer: samantha-writes

Cover: 5/5
— Great cover! Really well made, so great job meha-k! Nice fonts, editing with the pictures, and background. Just all around excellent!
— Luckily, I love Bridgerton, so I know all too well that the characters in the story fit those in the show. I think it's a great representation of the characters in the story. I'm not sure if Posie and Daniel look like them, but it's still fitting.
— (It may mislead some people into thinking it's a Bridgerton fanfiction, so maybe use different pictures if you can, but it's not a big deal. If fact, it could be entertaining for Bridgerton fans because it's pretty similar.)

Title: 2/5
— The title doesn't fit too much with the story concept or main conflict. The concept is that an innocent woman is forced to marry a not-so-innocent man, and the main conflict is that Daniel is trying to teach Posie to be more comfortable around him without moving too fast and losing control. The title just doesn't to fit that.
— In a way, the title can kind of work because Daniel is so kind to her, much more kind than her father was before, so her living with him is kind of her true home even though she thought her old house was. But that's a bit of a stretch. The title just isn't particularly fitting. It sounds romantic and I guess poetic, so it sounds good, but it really doesn't work.

Blurb: 2/10
— There's nothing wrong with putting little snippets from your story into a blurb in my opinion, as long as they're engaging and brief. But the snippet in this blurb is neither of those things. It gives a lot of backstory, but it isn't a quick snippet to hook readers. It's more like exposition. It's okay because it does help give readers some insight to the story, but I think there are probably better options.
— However, a snippet doesn't count as an actual blurb, so readers have to look past this snippet to find the true one. The real blurb is the short paragraph at the very end, and it's way too short to be effective. The main characters are introduced and a bit about them, as well as the main conflict, but I think it would be crucial to mention how controlling Posie's father is and how Posie and Daniel are in a forced marriage. Also, you should specify that the "harsh realities" are about intimacy/sex because that's important since they have to announce their pregnancy 6 months after their wedding.
— This is just a general rule, so you really don't have to abide by it, but I advise that you make the blurb in present tense even though the story is in past tense. Not necessary, though.

World: 3/10
— Readers don't learn where they live for a while. It's not even hinted at the beginning, and that's important for readers to know. It's mentioned in like chapter 4 or 5 (probably 5), but I don't even remember what the locations were because it was so briefly mentioned. Bring it up more to remind readers.
— I really thought the time period was like in the past because I was relating it to Bridgerton. Until they got Taco Bell, I was convinced the time period was the 1900s or something (idk exactly when Bridgerton takes place, probably the 1800s or something, but they had cars so I assumed it was early 1900s). There could be some more hints at the beginning to direct readers, but don't outright state the time period. Maybe bring up that they have phones or something like that. Technology is a good way to give readers guidance here without being blunt. Mentioning that they had a car was a good method, but I imagined an old car, so maybe mention the model? Or just bring up other technologies they have.

Plot: 8/20
— There was hardly any exposition. The couple was just thrown into marriage right off the bat, so I was a bit confused about the backstory and characters. I think the story should start off with them preparing for the wedding so that readers can gather the characters' thoughts about it (since it is 3rd person omniscient). The forced marriage will be the story concept still, and readers will feel drawn by it.
— The main conflict is a bit vague. I said that it's Daniel "trying to teach Posie to be more comfortable around him without moving too fast and losing control," but I was kind of guessing. That's what I think it's supposed to be, but it's not the most stable main conflict. I think there could be a better one using the same basic concept.

Characters: 6/10
— All of the characters' personalities are so clearly shown, but maybe it's a bit too clear. In writing, it's better to give subtle hints about a character's personality, but in this story's case, the personality traits are stated too directly. Show their traits through action more than through other characters' observations, although that method of characterization is acceptable sometimes.
— Some of their appearance descriptions are good, like Daniel's, but there are basically no details for any other characters. Maybe for Posie, but if so I didn't catch it, and that would be my bad. But for the important characters like Posie (unless I just missed it) and Amma, their descriptions are important for readers to have so that they can imagine each person in their head.
— Posie's family is explained thoroughly, but I'd like to know more about Daniel's. Perhaps it's brought up more later, and if so then that's great. I know at the very least that his father owns a business, and I'd like to learn more about that and his relationship with his parents. Are they as bad as Posie's? I bet readers would want to know that as well.

Chapters & Content: 3/10
— The organization of paragraphs is very strange. Dialogue is always in its own paragraph with literally nothing else there, not even speaker tags, and I think I know why. I've often been taught by teachers that dialogue should be in separated by paragraph when the speaker switches, and I suppose that can be mistaken as dialogue needing it's own paragraph with absolutely no narration, which is NOT a good thing, especially when readers are confused who is speaking. Sometimes you place speaker tags in the paragraph below, but that's just grammatically incorrect (and I don't feel like mentioning that in two different categories, so I'm keeping it in this one lol). Just keep in mind that you can have narration and dialogue in paragraphs together. You can even interrupt dialogue when actions are occurring simultaneously.
— The paragraphs, even narrative ones, are so short. A lot of them could be combined with one another. There are also lots of paragraphs that are just one short sentence long, which is a common method writers use to add emphasis to that one sentences, but you use it so often that it takes away the emphasis. Keep that in mind and reduce the amount you do this.
— You should probably start the story in 1st person POV instead of switching from 3rd person to 1st person all of a sudden. I understand when authors switch to different characters' perspectives, but they stay in 1st person and just swap the character. It's more confusing to completely change the point of view type.

Grammar/Spelling: 6/10
— Make sure you don't use comma splices too often. These are commas that separate two complete sentences without a connective conjunction to make it a compound sentence. It's basically a run-on sentence, and it's not a good mistake to make. Authors sometimes use them and can get away with it if it still sounds good, but in most cases, avoid them. To fix the issue, add a connective conjunction (for/and/nor/but/or/yet/so) after the comma, or replace the comma with either a period or a semicolon depending on which would make the sentences flow best. Example: "Posie wanted to explore like any normal person, she was again not allowed to do that!" should be changed to read "Posie wanted to explore like any normal person, but she was again not allowed to do that."
— If you use a connective conjunction to separate to complete sentences, you need a comma, as I said before. This will make a compound sentence. If the sentences around any of the connective conjunctions are incomplete, though, DON'T add a comma. To determine whether it needs a comma or not, cover up the conjunction (and comma if there's one there already) and read the two phrases on either side separately. If they're both complete, add a comma. If one or both are incomplete, don't add a comma. Example: "I have never felt so hot around someone and it's not even summer yet" should be changed to "I had never felt so hot around someone and it wasn't even summer yet."
— When listing off things (very specific there lol), make sure to use commas after everything listed, including before the word "and/or" prior to the final thing listed. Example: "It was all up to me now to take care of her, cherish her and give her the happiness she deserves" should become "It was all up to me now to take care of her, cherish her, and give her the happiness she deserved."
— I already said the speaker tag issue. Just make sure you have them. And any dialogue that comes before a speaker tag and ends in a period, change the period to a comma. Question and exclamation marks don't change, though. And the speaker tag should start off lowercased if it comes in between or after dialogue (unless it starts with a name or "I").
— Make sure you don't switch from past to present tense, just stay in past tense.

Writing Style: 3/10
— If a character thinks something, don't repeat the exact same thing they were thinking with almost identical phrasing in the very next sentence. It feels repetitive for readers. At least switch up the wording a bit, or just disclose the thoughts altogehter.
— So many sentences have the same structure. I encourage you to use more complex sentences because most of them right now all have the same exact structure: subject, verb/predicate, and sometimes a comma and connective conjunction to spice it up. But that's not enough to keep readers, well, reading. Explore more with dashes, semicolons, complex sentences, introductory phrases, etc. I can provide some resources for that if you'd like, but it would probably be best for you to do your own research and practice with using these in writing.
— Your vocabulary is lacking. There are a lot more words being reused than you may realize, and for a story that's mature, the target audience would be older and more engaged with a more varied vocabulary.

Enjoyment: 5/10
— I found a lot of scenes to be very cute. After all, it's not often that I read romance stories on Wattpad with healthy relationships instead of toxic ones lol. And the sexual tension is REAL, my gosh!
— Posie is way more innocent that what would be realistic for someone her age. And I get it, she was sheltered her entire life, but it does annoy me a bit that she doesn't understand anything at all. I understand why it's that way, though.

Overall: 43/100
The exposition is lacking, and the main conflict isn't very steady, but the concept is a good start. The characters could use some work, but they're alright. The world-building and chapter organization could use lots of work. The grammar is okay, but the writing style needs some attention. And, the easiest to fix, the title and blurb could use some updates. Really, the characters and grammar are decent, the story concept is good, and the cover is amazing. Those need the least attention right now, but the rest needs work. I see the potential in your story, so good luck writing/editing!