Yo, update time!😎

But before that I would like to address something: Mental health issues. I don't know how many of you have a first hand experience with depression or anxiety disorder but let me tell you, it's horrible to go through. It's crippling. Some days are so bad that you won't be able to gather up enough energy to move. it literally cripples your mind and body. Your mind constantly tells you what a failure you are, how every decision you've made is a disaster. How you are a burden to everyone in your life. Your entire existence feels worthless. And sometimes to ease the pain up you harm yourself bodily: you cut yourself, you starve yourself, and sometimes you try to take your own life.

You go out and feel like every passing stranger is dissecting every flaw in you. It renders you to have social interactions because you're too tense to think up a proper reply. Sometimes that tension and anxiety lead you to hyperventilate. You feel there is not enough air to breath in. Your feel cold and yet sweat profusely, your body trembles and you can't think of anything other than dying. And you can't tell anyone about it. Communication is probably the hardest part of it.

Then some days are good. You feel like a normal human being. You laugh, you go out, you socialize.

And some days you just act to be normal. You laugh in front of people, crack jokes, seem to have a good time. Then in the darkness of your room, you sit with a handful of pills and think of freeing yourself with this constant pain for good.

I have a first hand experience in most of these.

While the magnitude of the effect vary depending on individuals- there are mild symptoms and extreme ones- the sufferer has a hellish time nonetheless. And these are treatable, curable to some extent but you can relapse at any vulnerable moment. Certain things can be triggering.

So, while Zhan has been going through therapies and treatments, keep in mind that by no means, he is okay or has stopped suffering. The sole purpose of me creating a character with mental health issues was for people to understand how difficult it is to function with these ailments. Judge him but also, try to understand him from his point of view.

And if you're suffering from these, control your mind, don't let it control you. Meditate. listen to soft music and express yourself through any form of art, any of them.

Recap of the previous chapter for those who have skipped it-

Zhan had a vivid dream of one time he and YiBo had sex (where YiBo had bottomed) and he woke up, scared and dazed, to realize that he needed to have some distraction because he could not let himiself fall for an almost married man.

Phew! Now off with the read!

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Chapter-13

Zhan's nerves were tied in a knot. Today was the fateful day he had arranged a lunch date with Yun KyunSang and everything was ready accordingly, except for Zhan's nerves which hadn't calmed down ever since he had confirmed having this date. But now to make matters worse, with only hours in hand, Xing's nanny had to bail out for an emergency.

It was not only difficult to find an instant babysitter, Zhan would not leave his son just with anyone else.

At first he thought of calling KyunSang and cancelling it right away, then, on a second thought he called Talu. The phone call didn't go as he expected.

"That's nothing to lose your head over about."

"Really? Okay, I'll cancel it, then. Hope he doesn't think I am making-"

"What? No! I didn't say that. Why the hell would you cancel it?"

"Talu! Weren't you listening?"

"I was and what do you mean there's no one available? Call your baby daddy."

Zhan was opening his mouth even before Talu finished his sentence but couldn't say anything after that. Without waiting for his response, Talu went on.

"If he's available then you won't have to worry about keeping Xing."

"Yes but-"

"And it would be a good chance for that little brat and his daddy to bond over. And you'll get to see how bad he fucks up a simple babysitting duty."

"It's not a joke."

"Nor is it rocket science. Look, dude, even if he screws up I don't think he'd do anything that would scar Xing for life."

"And what if he refuses? Or isn't available?"

"If he refuses, next time don't let him talk to or see Xing whenever it's convenient for him. If he's unavailable..hmm..you can take Xing with you. I'm sure KyungSang won't mind."

"I can't get used to the idea of asking YiBo's help so that I can have a date."

He could hear Talu sigh. "Look, things won't ever be easy if you don't ease yourself up. Unless you decide to be alone or celibate for the rest of your life, YiBo would come to the equation sooner or later. You two aren't together anymore and he isn't hiding his fiancée. So, I don't know what are you so squeamish about?"

Zhan told him what was in his mind, "I feel guilty."

"Really? Couldn't have guessed." Zhan could hear that eye roll. "You did make some really crappy decisions and you know I have always criticised you about those but you can't let that guilt overshadow every other aspect of your life! If there was a chance of you two reconciling, I would have cheered you on but as that doesn't seem to be a possibility at the moment, you need to get on with your own life. You have put it on hold for a long time and you're still miserable."

Zhan huffed in annoyance. It sucked when your best friend made sense. All he wanted was an advice on babysitting! What a big fat help his friend was. But calling YiBo for help... "Okay, I'll call you later."

"Or I can fly back home to help you get laid-"

Zhan cut the call.

Asking YiBo to babysit? It wasn't a bad idea but...But would he agree? He was a busy man. Asking him on such a short notice... YiBo made sure to talk or face time with Xing at least once a day ever since. So, he might agree. But YiBo had no experience in minding a toddler. Did he even know how to change a nappy? What if Xing choked while sipping water and YiBo couldn't do anything?

And what was Zhan going to say about why he needed him to keep Xing for a while? They weren't even on talking terms just a month ago; he had hidden Xing from him for two years. Sure they had civil conversations, even had laughed over their son's antiques a few times but the ground they stood upon was unstable and shaky, neither of them ready to address the elephant in the room just yet.

At a time like this how could he just casually ask him to babysit their son because Zhan needed to go on a date?

Twisting untwisting his fingers Zhan kept pacing. His mouth was going dry, heart rate increased. Not good signs, not at all. Xing was nearby, playing by himself. He couldn't possibly have an anxiety attack right now.

"There's nothing to be so worried about," he told himself. "I'll just call Mr. Yun and apologize. I'm sure he'd understand. Yes." He nodded at himself and looked for his phone.

There were two unread texts.

Thank you for agreeing to meet. – YKS

I look forward to this date. –YKS

Zhan could not make that call anymore. Even with his very limited dating experience he could tell that this man was quite eager to meet him. And while it would not have been an issue for most to cancel a date with a relative stranger over a valid reason, Zhan's heart and head began to throb just at the thought.

Social anxiety tended to do that. While the reluctance was high the incapability to say no was higher. It was a crippling feeing. He wished he could phone his therapist and ask her. But he knew what she would tell him: to make his own decisions.

If only Xuan didn't have to attend that event...

"Papa!" Came Xing's high pitched call. "Come pway! Come Come!"

Just looking at his son soothed his nerves. He crouched down in front of him.

"XingXing, do you want to play with Daddy today?"

At the mention of it the child's eyes sparkled up. "Daddy!!! Daddy come Daddy pway! Daddy!" He began to look around in anticipation.

That look on Xing's face gave him the push Zhan couldn't muster up himself. To hell with it.

Instead of calling KyunSang, he rang up YiBo. With every ring his body grew tighter.

"Yes-uh-hello?"

"Hello, it's-"

These first few seconds were the most awkward every time.

"Yes, I know."

"Yeah well-"

"....."

"....... Uh, actually, I know this is abrupt and you probably have schedules but....I have a favour to ask."

"What is it?"

It wasn't exactly welcoming but wasn't cold either. Zhan clenched unclenched his clammy fist. "Can you keep Xing for a couple of hours this afternoon? I have...an appointment" Zhan couldn't tell the truth in the end, "and MeiLi had an emergency. Xuan is out of town and Tal-" He clamped his mouth shut before finishing the sentence.

"I'll do it! I'm free today. No need to call others to look after my son. He'll stay with me." YiBo's tone proved that Zhan wasn't quick enough to stop himself.

At least that got his job done.

Relief awashed him. However temporary it was. "Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm really sorry to impose on you so suddenly."

"It's nothing. Taking care of Xing is my duty as well and I'd love to spend more time with him. I'm- ahem-"

Sensing him hesitating Zhan prompted, "Yes?"

YiBo cleared his throat and said, "I'm glad that you called me."

An inexplicable sadness filled Zhan's inside. This was now how they were supposed to be. YiBo thanking him for letting him keep Xing for a few hours. Him calling YiBo as the last resort.

"Xing will be really happy. He was asking to see you."

"He was?" The hope in YiBo's voice warmed Zhan. "Well, tell him that I'm coming to see him in an hour."

"Oh, about that, I will drop him off at your place if you text me your address."

"No need. I'm out anyway. I will pick him up."

"Oh, okay. That's great..um..I'm sorry for-" Zhan rubbed his forehead. It was still very awkward for them to talk and he was already embarrassed.

"Don't worry. Not a problem."

"Okay...then.."

"Yeah...In an hour..."

"Absolutely. So..."

"Yeah..."

"Bye."

"Bye."

That was probably the most awkward phone conversation he had ever had. It was sad how far two people could drift apart.

Not wanting to focus on it anymore, Zhan inhaled deep and long to calm himself and went to find Xing. He needed to prepare a bag for him, dress him up then ready himself, all within an hour.

XOXOXOX

The first thing that reached YiBo after crossing the main gate was a high pitched yell.

"DADDDDYYYYYY!!! DADDYDADDYDADDYDADDYDADDY!"

Then Xing's small frame shot into his legs like an artillery shell.

YiBo picked and spun him, holding him above head.

"How is my little Peanut doing?" He asked bouncing his son before putting the squealing toddling down.

And immediately choked on his tongue.

Because Zhan had come out of the door looking..........freaking gorgeous.

YiBo stared, clinging toddler all forgotten.

The number of times they had met recently, he mainly saw him in indoor clothes, never dressed up formally, at least. But now....it was obvious that the man had put some effort into dolling himself up.

"Hi-"

"What appointment did you say you have this afternoon?"

They spoke at the same time and while Zhan stopped, YiBo finished his question because suddenly it was most vital to know exactly where his ex was going looking like...that.

While Zhan's face paled his ear tipped red.

"It's..uh...it's actually a date. I have a date this afternoon."

It took longer than usual for YiBo to process that information, mind still being on Zhan's appearance.

"A date?" A date? Zhan was dating? He was to keep their son company so that Zhan could go on a date? He was seeing someone? Who? Since when? All this while? Since before? Was it serious? How serious? Why wasn't YiBo aware of it? "A date?" he repeated, "You asked me to babysit Xing so that you can date?"

Zhan's face fell and he hurriedly said, "No, it's wasn't- wasn't like that. I swear. Everything was arranged. His nanny was to keep him like usual but she had a relative hospitalized for an emergency and Xuan, my assistant was out of station and I couldn't possibly put Xing to just anyone's care. So, I thought that maybe...I thought..." His words faltered looking at YiBo.

"And you thought it would be good to leave Xing so that you could attend your date?"

There was a deafening silence as YiBo watched Zhan's face going from shocked to sombre to wooden. He watched Zhan looking at their son who was now taking turns to stare at both of them and backing away from YiBo towards his Papa. He watched as his ex boyfriend visibly restrained himself and forced a smile before holding YiBo's eye.

"You are absolutely right. That was really thoughtless of me. I shouldn't have just assumed that you'd be available for Xing. You have a busy working life, have a fiancée whose life has been greatly affected by my son as well. I should have thought about your life before giving mine any priority. You're right; I'm wrong. I'm sorry. It's becoming a pattern, me apologizing to you but whatever it is worth, I'm sorry, YiBo." There was still a lingering pretence of a smile on his face while the eyes looked devoid of any readable emotion. "If I don't think about Xing, then, who will? I am the only one he has." He looked down and ruffled Xing's tow head.

It would have stung less if YiBo was slapped instead.

Zhan turned away from him facing the house, taking a step towards the door, holding Xing's hand, who in turn looked at YiBo with his guileless, confused eyes.

"No, wait!"

Zhan looked back at him. "What is it?"

YiBo opened his mouth, wanting to speak, to say something, to clarify, to make sure that it wasn't about putting his life over Zhan. It was...it was...

"What do you want, YiBo?"

Suddenly YiBo wanted to cry. He was back at 17; back at their flat, back at their first argument; back at being scared for the first time when Zhan was angry with him and didn't talk; back at being a fool. However old he was, being with this person always reverted him back to that naive, impulsive teenager with anger issues. Wasn't it obvious what he wanted? Wasn't he clear from the beginning, since he was a kid himself, as to what he wanted? If it was before, with just one look Zhan would have understood but now YiBo needed to explain. As if he hadn't bare his heart out in the open already.

"I wasn't-" he wetted his lips, looking down, "I am- I don't-" I don't want you to date. I don't want you to go further away than you already have. I don't want you to lose you all over again. "I'm sorry. I was...angry."

When no response came he chanced a glance at Xiao Zhan to see a surprise on his face. They shared a look.

A look that perfectly conveyed YiBo's thoughts to Zhan. As a result, Zhan looked away after staring for a moment and sighed tiredly.

"Do you still want to-"

"Yes, I do."

"Come on in then. I've already packed a bag for him."

XOXOXOX

Setting Xing in his babysit inside the car with YiBo- his manager was driving- and making sure that YiBo knew and remembered when to do what, Zhan send them off with a worried and solemn heart.

After that argument, he really didn't want to send Xing away with YiBo but Xing was too excited to be with his Daddy for Zhan to disappoint him. And also, he knew YiBo well enough to know that bastard regretted his words.

Now looking at the empty house, the strewn toys around he didn't want to leave. The words YiBo said....they had stung so much because they were the truth. He did put himself before Xing, didn't he? Not just today but when he decided to conceal his pregnancy. He put his insecurities, his health before Xing's need to have his other father.

Covering his face with both hands he exhaled hard. Was he a bad parent? He thought he was doing everything he could to make his son happy. His every decision had Xing as their motivation. But was he, in actuality, sabotaging Xing? He exhaled again. And again. And again.

His phone rang in the pocket.

It was Yun KyungSang.

"Hello, hi..I have arrived at the cafe. Have you...?"

Zhan wanted nothing more than to just crawl into his bed and sleep. "No...I'm sorry I..." He wanted to say that he wouldn't be able to make it today. That he wasn't feeling well. But what came out instead was, "I'm running late. There was some problems with Xing's babysitting. So..um..will that be...?"

"It's perfectly all right. There's still time. Take your time. I'll just treat myself to a nice cup of coffee till then."

It's not all right, nothing is. "Um, okay. Thank you and I'm really sorry."

"No worries."

His chest hurt with the sigh that came after the call was disconnected. Why did he even think this would be a good idea?

Shaking himself out of this morbid stupor he went to the loo to freshen up before leaving.

XOXOXOX

The first thing Zhan noticed about Yun KyunSang was his height. Talu had said his friend was about 6'4" when he showed Zhan his photo but nothing could have prepared him for seeing that height with that strong built.

He looked inapproachable from afar, sipping his coffee staring at his phone but in the next moment he turned his head, spotted Zhan, gave a bright smile after a second and the entire air about him changed to a warm, friendly one.

"Yun KyunSang," he extended his hand with the introduction, "It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"Xiao Zhan," Zhan greeted back, "Pleasure is mine."

They smiled and sat down facing each other at the small table set in a secluded corner.

"I'm glad you could make it. Is everything all right?" KyunSang asked.

"Yes everything is fine now. Just that the nanny had to leave for emergency and finding someone instantly was a bit difficult. I'm really sorry for keeping you waiting," he apologized again which the other man waved off with a hand gesture.

"Don't worry about it, please. I wouldn't have minded had you cancelled today. You can't leave him with just anyone."

It pleased Zhan to hear him say that, even if it was only polite talk. He gave only a small a smile in reply. His awareness about their surroundings, about the eyes on them, on him was still highly sensitive, making it difficult for him to ease into the conversation.

Then KyungSang took something out from under the table and put it on the top. It was a bright coloured gift bag.

"I hope Xing likes it. I heard he loves dogs?"

With a silent questioning glance Zhan took the bag and looked inside to find a large plush dog. Without intending a laugh left him.

"What is it?" KyungSang asked seeing him laughing.

Zhan couldn't help shaking his head in mirth. "Nothing..it's just..." he laughed again, maybe his tension was triggering it more, "my house had a plush toy explosion a few days ago and I vowed not to lay my eyes on another one in at least a year."

KyungSang gave an uncertain laugh, "Okay....Um...I'm sorry for bringing one, I guess?"

Zhan sobered up at that. He realized how impolite it must have looked from the other person's perspective. "No no, it's not- Thank you so much for thinking of Xing. It's really very nice of you and awful of me for laughing like this."

"Awful only if you don't share the story behind it,"

And so Zhan did, stumblingly at first, not accustomed with sharing anything personal with strangers, then with KyunSang's eager responses he ended up talking more than he intended initially. Talking about Xing was something he always enjoyed, like any other parent, and to get to tell someone other than those very few people in his life felt refreshing.

"Then I definitely should have bought more!" KyungSang said, laughing.

"Don't even joke about it!"

"I have a niece, older than your son, but I know what a playroom disaster management looks like."

"Oh? How old is she?" Zhan perked up, having found a common interest.

"She's six, daughter of my elder sister, but she prefers me more than her parents," the man said with visible pride and Zhan felt a sense of camaraderie with this foreigner. He could relate to that pride induced glee when a child entrusted you with their happiness.

They talked about the kids for quite sometimes, exchanging anecdotes. Zhan was pleasantly surprised to see the man so well versed in child caring. A man being good with kids that were not his own had its own separate fanbase.

And just when Zhan had become comfortable into the conversation and was feeling relaxed for the first time today, KyungSang stated something that was more of a question.

"I didn't know Xing's other father was in the picture," KyungSang spoke casually while forking his food.

Zhan, on the other side of the table went stiff immediately; the food inside his mouth suddenly losing its flavour.

Not getting any response KyungSang looked up and his faced changed into one of a concerned one instantly, "Oh! I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. It's just...Talu never mentioned anything other than that you two had long been separated. So, I..." he trailed off looking awkward.

"It's fine. It's normal for you to ask. I should have told you myself." Because he should have. He was not only a single father but also someone who had a child out of wedlock with a celebrity, who was now going to be a constant fixture in his and his son's lives. He took a calming breath. "Talu didn't mention anything is because he- Xing's other parent- he wasn't," he wasn't what? Wasn't present? Wasn't there for Xing? Wasn't a good father? "He wasn't aware of Xing till a few weeks ago." He said and looked up to stare at KyungSang's surprised face, "I concealed Xing from him for two years."

There was a sudden silence between them, in which the chatter from the cafe seemed to cease. Then Zhan realized that it didn't cease but his ears were ringing and his vision swimming.

Fuck!

Was he going to have a meltdown here? Now? Fuck! He couldn't! People were watching! Strangers with their judgemental eyes! Judging him as a parent, as a boyfriend, as a professional. He failed as all three. He had been failing all along and the pain and hurt and insecurities would never go away and things would-

There was a warm touch on his hand that was trembling on the table. He tried to concentrate on that coiled heat and drag his erratic thought to the present moment.

It was Yun KyunSang's hand that was the source of that heat.

"Xiao Zhan? Zhan?"

He was better now. He could do it. He was having therapies. He had help, had overcome so much. He was stronger now. He nodded his head at the call and gazed up at the man with a poor excuse of a smile.

From the start this man, this Yun KyunSang, had the air of a very easy going, light hearted fellow. But that same face now projected a sort of calm that was assuring.

"Some decisions are needed to be made based on the situation. They may or may not be rational but we cannot invalidate them without living into that situation ourselves. There's no judgement here. I'm not judging you because you're still a relative stranger to me. I cannot judge a person without knowing them well enough to put myself into their shoes. Maybe others can but I'm incapable of it. So, you don't need to fear any disapproving comments from me. Nor do you need to tell me anything about your personal life unless you feel like it. I asked about Xing's father only because I was told that you were a single parent, that's all there it is."

Astonished Zhan realized that his mind had followed every word of that speech with perfect clarity and the ringing in his ears was reduced considerably.

He had just successfully avoided a panic attack despite being in a public place with a stranger. While having a first date! With that came a deep feeling of accomplishment.

But his joy was short lived when the part 'having a first date' highlighted inside his mind.

"Yun KyunSang..."

"Just KyunSang will do fine," said the man as he resumed his eating as if he didn't just had to baby talk a grown man.

Zhan bit his lip, apologies on his tongue tip but decided to drop it. What could he say? Sorry wasn't going to reverse the embarrassment he had just caused to both of them. So, instead he said, "This wasn't exactly what you signed up for when you wanted to meet me, was it?" And looked down at his plate, stirring the food, wanting to go home as soon as possible.

"Mmm, not exactly, no," KyunSang replied as he chewed, looking at distance, then, he held Zhan's eyes with a playful smile, "Which is why it's better. Predictable dates are boring, don't you think?"

Facing those eyes that didn't have any trace of lying Zhan felt his cheeks flaming. He quickly looked down and hummed in accordance.

The rest of the date went uneventful and KyunSang took it upon himself to keep the conversation going as he talked about his business at length, which was really kind of him because due to the common factors of their professions, Zhan had something to talk about without getting it personal.

Once they were outside and time to depart, things got a little awkward. Zhan didn't know what was he supposed to say. He really wanted to thank him for being so patient with him but didn't know how he should start and KyunSang seemed to be hesitating about something.

"So..."

"Yes?"

"Did you rent a car to come here?" Zhan asked at last.

"Huh? Oh. No, I booked a cab."

"Oh, then, um, I'll give you a lift."

"No no, that's all right. Cab services are really good here. I'll get one in no time. But thanks."

Zhan nodded, opened his mouth, thought again, then decided to just say it anyway. "KyunSang....Thank you."

"Mm?"

"For, you know, back there..I made quite a scene..."

"No, you didn't," KyunSang said with an incredulous chuckle, "You definitely did not."

"That's really kind of you-"

"Telling the truth is not kindness."

An exasperated laugh bubbled up from Zhan's throat, "You have a smart reply for everything, don't you?"

"Well, what can I say, I'm a smart man," he responded with a flaunt and pulled his overcoat's collar up to add more effect.

They both laughed.

"I had a good time today," Zhan said and he really did. Unexpected but appreciated nonetheless.

"I did as well."

"Okay, then..." Zhan gestured at the parking lot, "I should be- You sure you don't want a lift?"

"Yes, absolutely. Don't worry about it."

With an awkward smile and not knowing if anything else was needed to be said Zhan was about to turn and leave when the other guy spoke again.

"I'm leaving in two weeks," he said as a non sequitur. When Zhan looked in askance, he elaborated, looking strangely bashful, "So, I was thinking...maybe we could do this again before that? If only it's all right for you. No pressure," he hurriedly added.

To say he was surprised would be an understatement. To Zhan's mind it was a disaster. True that he himself enjoyed the talk and sharing the stories, he thought things was exactly the opposite for the other guy. How could he want to subject himself to Zhan's issues once again, he had no idea.

But...

The question was did Zhan want to have another date?

Despite that slip earlier and despite his general dislike for social interaction, he had actually had a good time with KyunSang. The man was jovial, easy to talk to and considerate. And Zhan was glad to have another adult to talk to who wasn't Talu or Xuan.

And even though a part of him kept feeling as if he was cheating on YiBo, he wouldn't mind meeting this man again. And maybe because his mind kept thinking like that, he should agree even more.

"Maybe we should."

The smile that appeared on KyunSang's face did wonders to Zhan's confidence and self importance.

With another goodbye he left, heart alight.

It wasn't till he was stopping at the first signal that he realized, with a jolt, that he would have to face YiBo in a few minutes while he picked Xing up from his house.

With that thought, the lightness he felt disappeared....along with any thought of KyunSang.

[][][][]

Here are two pics of KyunSang-

Umm, things will be better, I promise!😶 *hides behind the sofa*