Update time, potatoes!!!😎

This is a broccoli chapter. Probably won't give you much of a taste but very important to the plot.😚

Today I'd like to address a question I'm asked quite frequently- Do I get paid for my stories? The answer is a big No. I don't earn a single dime from my writings. Wattpad doesn't pay me, nor do I take money or any sort of gifts from the readers. Everything I put into the writing is from my own. Which also means that all you little greedy potatoes are freeloading on me.😒

Squishy hugsies for all those who have left votes and comments to the previous chapter!😍 You guys are brilliant!😍 And stinky eye for the silent readers who won't come out.😐

Okay, off ya go!

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Chapter-17

"And why do you think that you are regressing?"

Zhan composed his answer to the question his therapist asked. They were in her office, having a session. This room itself had such a calming environment. It was spacious, sparsely furnished, with a ceiling-to-floor glass window that overlooked the city from its 17th floor view. The patients' couch faced this glass wall, however, it could be rearranged if someone didn't want to look out. The therapist sat on a chair which had a side view of the patient instead of opposite. More often than not, people with mental health issues didn't like eye to eye contact during sessions. The air in the room had a faint scent of lavender which always helped to calmed Zhan's nerves.

"My stress level has hiked up considerably. I am nervous all the time and keep going on the verge of meltdowns." Zhan wetted his dry lips. Talking about his insecurities was never easy but he had been seeing the same therapist from the beginning and over the years, he had eased up to her.

"And you think the entire situation is triggering it or specifically the presence of your ex?" She asked in that quite, accommodating voice of her that was neutral to any particular emotion.

"Mm...both. It's both. The situation- the entire thing is extremely stressful and- and facing him is hard just as much."

"But you have had contemplated of facing him at some point." She put in, without any judgement.

"I know, I did. But I wasn't prepared. Things happened so, so suddenly and- and I- you know I can't deal with things unprepared. I need to- I have to-" Zhan's words jumbled up, his agitation rising.

"Calm down. It's all right. There is nothing wrong with pre panning or wanting to have a sort of control over emotions. It's perfectly normal; we all do this."

Zhan rubbed his palms on his thighs, a nervous tick, trying to calm his emotions so that he could talk. "Yes, I know. I'm- I'm all right. Sorry."

"You don't have to be. Remember, you're here to express yourself, not being interrogated."

"I know, yes," Zhan replied without meeting her eyes. He knew that she wasn't judging him but he still felt exposed.

"So, what is troubling you the most?"

"........................YiBo."

"Is it because he is back into your life or the things that's happening regarding him?"

"No, I'm- I'm really glad that he is back. I've always wanted that. Wanted him to be a part of Xing's life and when I see them together now I feel so grateful! But..........." He stopped and she waited patiently, as always, without coaxing, letting him set the pace. "But the past, the emotions, the perpetual tension between us, they choke me. It's hard to breathe sometimes."

"Have you two talked, about the problems you have between yourselves?"

"No and that's the problem. Every time we try to talk about something serious it turns into an argument and I back out."

"Who usually starts the argument?"

"No one in particular. I mean, things spiral down....." Zhan replied. Even though he was never someone to willingly participate in a shouting match, he could not really put everything on his ex boyfriend. It hurt him when someone thought bad of YiBo.

"I understand. However, in our past sessions you've had mentioned that Mr. Wang had anger issues. Is it still the same?"

YiBo had anger issues. Once his mother confided in Zhan how YiBo, as a kid, would hurt himself and smash things in fits of anger. "We are not close enough to know if the issues are still the same," he said.

"As you have confirmed in the past that Mr. Wang was never physically abusive-"

"No, never! He never hit me or abused me. He was never an abusive boyfriend!" Zhan was horrified that she even doubted that.

"I understand and I am not implying that he was. You've established that fact in the past very well. I know that it is very hard for you to talk about these things but, Zhan, remember that I am not here to judge you or anyone in your life. I am here to help you find out some answers, all right?"

Zhan knew that. She had always been so patient and helpful. Even though she was paid to do it, she was very good with her job. He nodded, feeling chastised.

"Good and stop feeling bad. This is an interactive session. You are entitled to express your disapproval. Now, I might have to ask some questions regarding your relationship that you may not like. I want you to understand that you can refuse to answer anytime you feel like not to and my questions are never meant to be accusing or insulting. Are we clear?"

"Yes, I know that. I know."

"Great. Let's resume. So, during the fall out of your relationship, was Mr. Wang verbally abusive?"

An image of a red faced yelling Yibo flashed through his mind. "We fought a lot and in the middle of a row we both said hurtful things to each other but-" Zhan stopped. He wasn't sure how to say this without incriminating YiBo. "But he is the more verbal one between us when angry. Generally, I am the talkative one but I get really quiet and withdrawn when angry or hurt. He is exactly the opposite. He lashes out. Sometimes throws or smash things....or he used to."

"How did you react to these lash outs, if you don't mind telling me again?"

"............Sometimes I would shout back, ask him to stop, defend the accusations. But in later days, I would just go to our bedroom and shut the door. I would get nervous and my hands would shake and...." Those memories were painful and extremely triggering. He took a sip of water, to stall, to calm down.

"And the issues mostly rose because of your friendship with...?" She gave him a cue.

"With Talu," Zhan filled in a quiet voice.

"Did you ever conceal your connections with your friend from Mr. Wang?"

"There's no connection. Talu and me, we are like brothers. He is my brother. We practically grew up together."

"And Mr. Wang was clear about it from the start?"

"Yes, absolutely. It was through Talu that we even met."

The therapist nodded and wrote something in her patient journal. Zhan eagerly followed her pen, unable to actually guess what she jotted down.

"And the accusations were regarding you and your friend?"

Zhan affirmed with a nod, not wanting to verbalise anything. Every time YiBo accused him for cheating on him with Talu, he felt so dirty. They were some of the lowest moments of his life. Even his soul felt tainted, tarnished.

"Is the accusation still going on?"

"No, we're- we haven't discussed anything about our past. But- but every time I mention Talu-" then he looked at his therapist anxiously, "I don't do it intentionally, to aggravate him or anything! I swear!"

"I'm sure you don't. I believe you. It is the most natural thing to bring up people around you in a conversation. Especially when you do not have many close ones in your life."

If only YiBo could say that to him. "It's that......Talu is a part of our lives. He is my son's Godfather and my business partner as well. But whenever his name is mentioned, he gets agitated. He gets snappy."

"And it makes you nervous?"

"Yes..no, I mean, I know there won't be a fight like before but it brings back bad memories, stress......and....I don't like the idea of him still thinking that I cheated on him."

"What bothers you about the idea?"

"I don't like it," Zhan said quietly, looking at his fingers, "It puts my loyalty, my...love and even Xing's existence in question."

"How does it put your son's existence in question?"

"Because while he was accusing me of cheating I was pregnant with Xing, even if I didn't know about the pregnancy at that time."

"I see."

"Am.........................am I wrong to be upset?"

"No, of course not. Absolutely not, Zhan. It's your emotions, your situation. You lived through those moments. It is entirely up to you how you feel about things. Unless it is harmful to you or to others, your feelings are your own. Also, it is never ever easy to face false accusations, especially if it comes from a loved one whom you expected to trust you and respect you."

"YiBo is not a bad person."

"I never said he was. I am not trying to put him into bad light. Being supportive to you does not mean being accusatory of him. You both were going through emotional turmoil and you both have your fair share of hurt and misunderstanding. But as I am only acquainted with you, I can only look into this matter through your story. You understand that, Zhan?"

"Yes, I do. I just don't want to blame him or make him look bad. I took away two years of Xing's life from him."

"And do you think because of that decision you deserve to accept whatever accusations Mr. Wang inflicts on you?"

"Partly yes."

"Because you feel guilty?"

"Yes."

"All right, let us continue about the present problems. What else is stressing you out?"

Zhan stayed quiet for a moment then looked up and said, "I went on a blind date."

"That's great! That's a wonderful step you've taken. How did it go?"

"It went good. I mean, I was about to have an attack but the other person pulled me out of it."

"Sounds promising."

"Yes, he was really good with me and handled things very well."

"And you had let him help you. That's a very positive sign, Zhan."

Zhan shrugged. "I guess." He tried to say something more but thought against it. However, his therapist caught on it.

"Yes, Zhan? Please, tell me whatever you want to."

"I am thinking of not...........continuing this dating."

"Oh, all right, hm. And may I know the reason?"

"It's- it's not fair to KyunSang. I mean, I don't think I have moved on emotionally enough to start a new relationship and it would be very wrong to lead him on. I mean what if he develops feelings for me? He should not date me."

"That's really very considerate of you. It is always good to make yourself clear in a potentially positive relationship. However-"

"What is it?"

"While it is good to be certain of your standing, you must not make decisions for others. I can totally understand that you have only best intentions but it is not your place to decide for the other person."

Zhan stared at her as the words sunk in. She was not wrong, definitely not wrong but he did not want to hurt one more person.

"But I really think you should go with your decision to tell him about your stance on this dating."

"You think so? I won't be doing something wrong, will I?"

"Definitely not. You're being truthful and truth, however bittersweet, is always the better option."

"Okay. All right. Okay." Zhan agreed but he knew he needed to give this matter more thought.

"Good. Now, let us go back to the previous topic. About that date. May I know what was it that had upset you that day?"

"..................When he asked about YiBo."

"I see. Was it because it was about your ex partner or because someone unknown was enquiring after him?"

"Because of what I have done to him."

"You mean about your preg-"

"Yes."

"All right. Then?"

"I was upset since before. YiBo had said some things and it was...it was hurtful but true."

"Can you talk about the things he said?"

Instead, Zhan asked, "Am I bad parent? Did I ruin Xing's childhood because of my own insecurities?"

The therapist looked at him kindly. It was not pity, not patronizing. Just sympathetic. "Zhan, you did what most of us would have done in a situation like yours. You chose the best option you thought there was. You chose to protect the people you loved. Your baby and your partner. And if that protective boundary included you as well, there is nothing to feel apologetic about. There is absolutely nothing wrong with self love. It is, in fact, the most important thing towards having a healthy life."

"But maybe if I just talked to him.... Maybe if I just... he was only twenty two. And we were falling apart... but still..."

"Maybe things would have gone differently had you two talked but you must not focus on would have beens or could have beens. That will not give you any solution. You decided to leave for the time being but always wanted to come back. And you did. You came back."

"I never meant to keep them apart for this long. But I am such a selfish coward. If it wasn't for the wedding...."

"You are the one that decided to accept that invitation, even taking your son with you. You took the step forward. You did come back. And you must know that our lives do not always go according to how we have planned for it."

"I would have come back earlier, you know? But I saw the news of his dating and I.....I lost the nerve."

"I know. It's hard to approach when you fear the only response you will get is rejection."

"Yeah...."

They both stopped talking for a while.

"YiBo was asking about my dating."

"Did it make you uncomfortable? Stressed?"

"No, I.... he said he would like to see me settling down happily."

"Did that bother you?"

"No......no, I mean, that was really nice of him and I should appreciate it."

"Zhan, we are not here to talk about what you should or should not do. You can tell me what exactly you felt even if you think it was something inappropriate."

Zhan kept his eyes on the sky for a while. "Why am I not happy to know he wants me to move on?"

"Why do you think?"

"..............The thought of him letting me go completely scares me." He, then, held his therapist's eyes, "I left him but the hope of coming back to him one day was what kept me going this long." He looked back at the sky again. Rain clouds were encroaching slowly at the corner. "Without that anchor I feel like I will be lost even further and it scares me."

The therapist was about to say something but Zhan spoke before she could. With earnest eyes, as if seeking her approval.

"And I know it's wrong. I shouldn't think like that. It's wrong but I can't seem to control my emotions!"

"Why do you think it's wrong?"

Zhan stared at her as if she was unable to see the obvious. "Because he is almost married! He would have been had Xing not found him that day. He is....he is not mine to fantasize about anymore. She- she is good to him. I can feel that. They deserve to be happy. Still contemplating of us being together... it's wrong on so many levels."

"Emotions and rationality do not go hand in hand. And there is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to get back with the person whom you share a child with. A child out of love. It's a bond that will remain forever between you two and no amount of new relationships would be able to severe that tie."

"But he is someone else's. He loves someone else now. It is morally incorrect."

"Only when and if you actively do something that might jeopardize his relationship with his fiancée. And if I have any perception of Mr. Wang's character from all the accounts you've given me so far, it is that he is not one to hesitate expressing his displeasure where his private life is concerned."

Zhan rolled around those words inside his head. "And what good will it do even if I keep thinking like that?"

"That is a separate thing. What I am saying is that it is not wrong to nurture romantic feelings for you ex partner." She gave a pause for Zhan to let that in. Then said, "However, I won't recommend you to dwell on the past if you have no plan on acting on those emotions."

"No way would I ever act on it," Zhan responded with a resolute yet sad voice.

"Have you talked to him?"

"About what?"

"About the things you had always planned to tell him. Your reasons, your explanations."

Zhan shook his head.

"Why not?"

"Because the timing never seems right. Because whenever we start to talk about something serious it turns into an argument after which I shut down. I don't- I can't go through that. Loud noises, raised voice- they tense me up badly."

"I see." She jotted down some more words then looked up. "You said Mr. Wang had expressed his wish to see you happily settled. That sounds like a serious conversation. Did he initiate it?"

"Yes."

"Did you have no chance to take the opportunity to deepen the conversation?"

"He...he had started enquiring after my dating life once again. And YiBo talking about other men in my life.......it brings back memories. Bitter memories. But I did think of telling him something. At least creating an opening but...."

"But?"

"He didn't seem interested in continuing the talk. He started, said his part and stopped. As always. That's what he used to do before too."

"Then I suggest you to not wait for him to start and initiate the conversation yourself. I know, I know it will be hard and won't happen right away. But if you start trying, you will be able to do that at some point."

Zhan's panicked reluctance was visible. The therapist, however, went on.

"I know that you fear of him not accepting your explanation, of rejecting your reasoning. But Zhan, you must know how important it is for you two to have a detailed and whole hearted discussion about what you both went through during and after your relationship. It is a must in your recovery process. Without that closure there will always be a barrier between you two which might become a problem in your co-parenting in later times. And it will affect your son as well once he grows older and can sense things."

At the mention of Xing having troubles in the future Zhan looked stricken. "No! I- I will talk to him. I can't let Xing get hurt because of my inaction. I will talk to YiBo."

"While I am glad to hear you will try harder to communicate better, but you can't always make others the only motivation behind your every decision. You need it for your own recovery."

"Xing is not some 'others'." He was astounded that she even hinted that.

"Of course, he isn't but he also isn't an excuse. He should never be. Do it for your own well being."

Zhan's already guilty conscience felt guiltier and he nodded his consent, "I will do it."

"Very good. Now, does Mr. Wang know about your...mental health conditions?"

"..........No."

"Then..how about start with that?"

Zhan's heart gave a panicked thud. It was hard enough to accept that he needed medical help to mentally function properly. How could he tell that to YiBo?

His therapist must have anticipated his thought process because she said, "This issue will arise sooner or later. You have to confide in him if you two decide to establish a more stable relationship in order to create a healthy atmosphere for your shared custody. I am only suggesting this because it will be easier than to suddenly bring up your past. Also, if Mr. Wang has some idea about the trouble you had been going through personally, I think he will be able to get a better understanding of your reason."

It was all logical and sound, nothing to refute but at the same time easier said than done. "It's hard."

"I know it's hard. I know. No matter what I suggest, you'll have to be the one to face it and it won't be easy. And I or anyone else would not, should not force you. This is entirely your decision to make. I am only here to remind you how beneficial it would be for your happiness and health to take this decision."

"I know," Zhan's sounded subdued, mind running through thousands of worries.

"Now, how is your sleeping pattern these days? Are you getting nightmares?"

And thus, with the change of topic, gradually the heavier atmosphere was somewhat lifted from the room. The soft, tingly smell of lavender again touched Zhan's senses.

He was scared. He was in pain. But she was right; to heal, he must open the wounds and treat them properly. If he wasn't well, how could he keep his loved ones safe? He needed to face YiBo.

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Sooooo, what do you think will happen next? Let's see how the story is unfolding inside your head and if it matches with mine!😏