Yo, potatoes!😎 Apparently I don't know how to rest. Almost broke my back finishing this last night.😩 If you see me next week, yeet me outta wattpad, cause I really need to take some time off.😣

Guess what? It's 8.5K!!! Pat me, praise, love me, Senpai!😭

Thank you so much for all your votes and comments for the last chapter!💜 I'm so sorry that I couldn't reply any of you because I had the shittiest week. Got backstabbed by some people who begged me for a second chance before. They made fun of me for being an orphan and hit me where it would hurt the most. Emotionally I am very disturbed at the moment. I'm sorry and I hope you won't stop commenting.🙏

BECAUSE I LOVE READING COMMENTS!!!😭 GAAAAH! IT'S LIKE THE WEAKEST POINT! BIGGEST LURE! AND WRITE SEVERAL ESSAYS IF YOU WANT TO! STOP APOLOGIZING FOR LEAVING LONG COMMENTS! STAAAPH!😭

So, you lazy bumbum teabags, open your cheapskate hearts and move your fingers and share your thoughts about this chapter.😒 No reaction. no next action, bebeh.😎 Abbie is like those coin operated telephones!🤷 And by reaction, I mean what you think about the happenings of the chapter. Yes yes, I'm a bully.💅

A question for those who have read my other stories, based on my skill, what genre of writing do you think I should try at least once? Except for omega verse. Nope. Never that one. nope nope.🙅

Anyway, my Butty has described this chapter as a full course meal. So, gobble up!💁

****************************

Chapter-20

Taking his assistant's suggestion Zhan had actually texted YiBo the next day, requesting a meeting at his own house on the following day. YiBo's reply was immediate, agreeing to it right away.

And now it was almost time for YiBo to come. Zhan was nervous, oh he so was, because the idea of any discussion regarding his past was nerve wrecking but...but, he must admit that this time it wasn't the crippling fear he experienced all the other times. His heart was beating a lot quicker than usual but it wasn't making his consciousness faint. This improvement surprised him. Was this all because of the emotional catharsis he had experienced the other day after saying some of the things that was long overdue to be said?

But things could not go the same way they did the other day. Indeed some things were out in the open but the way they handled the 'discussion' could not be repeated today. Despite the sensitivity of the topic Zhan was determined to talk like an adult this time, keeping his calm, trying not to hedge or flee. And he did feel more composed today, prepared. The safety of his home adding to this new found composure.

Xing was out with MeiLi and a bodyguard whom Xuan had appointed for outings like this. Zhan felt bad for keeping his son out of the house for the time being and not letting him meet his Daddy but it would be impossible for them to talk with Xing there.

In between Zhan's compulsively straightening out the couch cushions and wringing hands the doorbell rang. He jumped up at the sharp sound; giving the room a once over and smoothing out his shirt he went to open the door.

Zhan knew who would be waiting outside that door but it still startled him. YiBo was.....well, he was still YiBo, all limbs attached, but there was something very different about him today. Something off, not there anymore. Zhan could not detect what it was and did not dwell on it either. Welcoming the man and awkwardly thanking him for coming, he took them to the living room and offered YiBo the couch. Zhan was about to sit on the chair but the arrangements reminded him of his therapy sessions all of a sudden. Changing his mind quickly and throwing caution to the wind, even surprising himself, he sat on the other end of the couch with his back supported by the handrest. It was a large couch, a considerable amount of space between them. The moment he sat down, he chanced a glance at YiBo and got up instantly. The undivided attention YiBo was looking at him with was a bit too much for Zhan to handle this early into the meeting.

"Okay, so..um..would you like some tea? Coffee?" He asked already moving towards the kitchen, not looking at his guest at all.

"Nothing, I'm fine. Thanks."

Zhan heard YiBo say with a muted voice.

"Lemonade! Have some lemonade, then," Zhan threw over his shoulder and scurried away. He wanted to take his time making the beverage, but due to the room's open decor he could sense YiBo's eyes on his back like two burning physical presence. As Zhan moved they also moved like those sensor controlled cameras. He cracked his fingers. Making two glasses of lemonade didn't take much time and he had promised himself not to flee today. With a worried but determined nod he went back to where YiBo was seated.

He handed YiBo his glass with a small smile, still not making eye contact, and sat down with his own. The cool presence helping to soothe him.

"The other day-"

"Are you sick?"

They both spoke at the same time and both stopped immediately. But YiBo, being the ever impatient one, asked back, "The other day?"

Hearing YiBo's first question Zhan already knew how this meeting would start to take off. Eyes on the floating slice of the citric fruit Zhan replied, "I didn't mean to leave like that the other day. I-"

"Are you sick? You were shaking so badly. I saw you. You-...what happened?"

Here it comes. The moment of truth. Chewing his lower lip, still unsure how to talk about it Zhan slowly started with, "Yes...I'm...I'm unwell."

Complete silence followed his words. He couldn't look, didn't know how to continue. He just sat there, eyes on the glass.

"Are you.........dying?"

Later Zhan wouldn't be able to tell what had startled him more, that question or the voice it was asked in. But it was enough to make him look up in surprise.

And he came face to face not with the man he was expecting to see, Wang YiBo, his ex, the cold and aloof man that was like a stranger to Zhan at times but instead what he saw was the seventeen year old boy that would stand in the corner of the street to wait for him and get this heartbroken, scared look whenever Zhan rejected his advances.

The sight was so unexpected yet familiar, like an old song that you loved once but was lost in time, that it choked him with emotions.

"What? No! No, I'm not dying." He replied.

"I know the best doctors in the country," YiBo informed, not at all convinced by Zhan's answer, "And some abroad. Whatever it is it will be completely cured. If you just-"

"YiBo-"

"-tell me what it is I'm sure-"

"YiBo?" YiBo stopped and Zhan went on, albeit quite surprised by YiBo's reaction, "It's not something physical."

Hearing that YiBo looked baffled for a moment, "Not physical? But...but I saw you trembling all over! And you were acting very strange and sweating...what do you mean not physical? What else can that be?"

This was the hardest part. Not only was it almost impossible to describe what depression was to those who hadn't experienced it firsthand but also talk about one's vulnerability and how they needed help just to do the most basic things. Because people did not consider emotional health important at all.

Zhan put the glass down on the table and used that time to ready himself. "I am suffering from depression and severe anxiety disorder."

Confusion slowly spread all over YiBo's face. Zhan did not elaborate things either, instead, waited for the questions to come.

"I don't understand," YiBo shook his head uncertainly, "Depression....as in...like, sadness? Are you...sad? But I saw...."

Zhan suppressed a sigh. This was the most common perception of depression to others and Zhan didn't know how to correctly define it. "Not exactly," he started slowly, "I mean, sadness is indeed a big part of it but that's not all. It's a disorder, a mental health disorder." Zhan had to look away while saying that last part. It was never easy for Zhan to admit aloud that his brain needed help to function properly.

"Mental health disorder," YiBo repeated the term slowly, confusion evident in his voice.

With one look at his ex Zhan knew what he was thinking. "I'm not crazy," he said in a somewhat defensive tone.

"I never said you were!" YiBo replied just as defensively. "I never thought that. I know what a mental health disorder is! It's just- It's that.... I have never known anyone with a mental disorder before. I don't know what it really does to someone."

Zhan searched his face for judgement or disgust or even mockery but couldn't find any. That gave him a little burst of courage. "I don't know how to describe them. I can only tell you what I felt and still feel."

He looked at YiBo for confirmation and the later gave an uncertain nod and an, "Okay."

Zhan nodded back, "I don't know exactly when it all started but I remember waking up every day and feeling this intense sense of loss. I felt like a complete failure, as if- as if I'm a burden to the world...to" Zhan bit his lip, "to you. I felt as though I was occupying a space I didn't deserve." Zhan could vividly remember those feelings, those dark, cursed days and his stomach tightened up. Gulping down his rising nervousness, he went on, "At times I had this restless, jittery surge of energy coursing through me; it wouldn't let me sit still, would make my fingers shake. At times I felt numb to everything happening around me, as if I was just a spectator looking from above. Some days I was hypersensitive, even the rustle of a fabric hurt my ears, someday I could not feel anything at all. There were all these contradictory emotions constantly at war within me. I wanted to talk and I didn't want to utter a word. I was hungry, I wanted to eat yet I would starve myself. I would cry my eyes out at the smallest of things then the most gruesome news would fail to make a ripple in my heart. And my stress level was hiking up alongside. I would panic, would hyperventilate. Every rejection I received worsened things more."

"Rejection?" YiBo interrupted, "What rejections? When was this?" Sitting upright, he looked agitated.

And Zhan realized that the timeline was still inside his head, unknown to the other man. "When I was looking for a job," he answered quietly, tugging at a lose string of a throw pillow he held in his lap. That was the lowest point of their relationship; a time when everything changed for the worse.

"But- that- We were together at that time! We were- I was there!"

Zhan didn't say anything. They both knew what time he was talking about.

"I was there! You didn't tell me anything! Why didn't you tell me anything?" YiBo demanded to know, his voice rising but there was more hurt in it than anger.

Zhan reminded himself that whatever happened today he had decided to face it head on. "I myself didn't know what was happening, what I was suffering from at that time, how would I tell anything if I didn't even know something was wrong?" He said in a calm, collected voice.

"How cou- what do you mean? You could have told me what you were feeling! The same way you're telling me now! You were suffering so much and you didn't think of telling me? Why? Wasn't I there for you?"

Listening to YiBo not getting why Zhan didn't say anything at that time Zhan wondered if YiBo had forgotten what was happening between them in those months. "It would not have been possible for me to say these things as I'm doing now back then because I did not know what the problem was or what was happening to me. I was already feeling worthless and like a burden to you. Talking about my mental state was the last think I would have thought of. And the situation between us was not really encouraging for me to talk either." Zhan paused to make sure he had YiBo's complete attention, "Would you have trusted me had I said these things as the explanation of my behaviour? Did you trust a word I said at that time? Anything at all?"

YiBo's expressions faltered. "Of course, I would have! Why wouldn't I have believed you? If only you had told me."

Zhan had begun to seriously think YiBo might have forgotten at least part of the things that was happening between them back then. And the first sliver of anger wormed into him. "Really? You would have? But you never believed me when I said there was nothing between Talu and me."

Shutters slammed shut over YiBo's face. "Why are you bringing him up? What does he have anything to do with this?"

"I am not bringing him up. I am trying to remind you what could have possibly stopped me from telling you."

"Talu stopped you?!?"

Oh my god. Zhan rubbed his face to keep himself in check. "No, your distrust in everything I said back then had stopped me," Zhan explained coldly.

And YiBo caught on that coldness immediately as a scowl appeared on his face. "That's because you broke my trust. You lied to me!"

"Can you, please, tell me when did I lie? What was that I lied about?"

"You know when and what those were."

This would not lead them to anywhere. Zhan released a long sigh and said, "YiBo, I wanted to meet you today so that we could sort things out between us which were left unresolved. So that we can behave like adults around each other and not have to walk on eggshells constantly. I'm not playing any word games when I want to know something from you. And just to be clear, this is not about Talu or has anything to do with him directly. This is about us and the people that we brought into our problems. Do you think we can go on?"

Instead of answering him, YiBo chose to answer his previous question. "You lied about not having any romantic feelings about your friend." He almost spat out the word, anguish written all over him. "You lied about not choosing him whereas you chose him to help you, to talk about your problems with, to soothe you when you're distressed, to run off to whenever you wanted. To you he was always the better one; better at understanding you, better at handling anger, better actor, better friend, better in everything. You always chose him over me."

Those last few words brought back some echoes of the past. Zhan vaguely remembered actually saying those things.........but those were all uttered in the middle of a vicious row or a shouting match. If those were to be considered as truth then Zhan also had his own share of bitter "truths" that YiBo had hurled at him in fights. But he didn't want the conversation to go that way. There were far more important things that needed to be said and if everything went well, YiBo would get to know whom Zhan had actually chosen over him.

"As you already know, me and him, we grew up together. From two eight years olds sharing toys to two young adults sharing life problems. I was used to with sharing my life happenings with him." Zhan said and YiBo's face darkened with every word. "But that changed when you came into my life. When we got together," He paused for those words to linger between them. He wanted the other man to pay his utmost attention. "I shared my life, my entire world with you, YiBo. Any and every little thing that happened, the first person I wanted to tell was you. Talu was still there, still my friend but I had formed a unit of my own, a person who was closer to me than any friend, closer than my parents. You may not believe anything I say but that's the absolute truth for me."

During this short speech YiBo's face had gone through a series of changes. First there was that dark grievance which morphed into a pale, blood drained visage, finally settling into a strange mix of hurt, sadness and uncertainty.

YiBo's Adam's apple bobbed before replying, "Didn't you go to him every time we had a fight? Our arguments, our fights were our own, why did you have to tell him everything about us? Who was he to know?!"

Zhan opened his mouth, to defend, to deny. Then paused. What were they doing? This had become their habits, one would say something, the other would defend it and things would only spiral down from there. But today was different. They weren't together anymore. There probably would not be another chance for them to mend things. Therefore, instead of negating YiBo's claim, Zhan thought it through.

Did he really confide in Talu a bit too much? Telling him things that should have remained between the couples, even if they were all about arguments and nothing intimate? Zhan knew YiBo didn't have any close friends. He had always been a loner. Sure, he had acquaintances, even friends, very few of them but none was close to him. In YiBo's own admission, Zhan was the first best friend he had ever made. The concept of brotherhood was entirely foreign to him. His only friend was also his lover. Did that influence the way he interpreted Talu and Zhan's friendship? Did he feel left out when Zhan talked to Talu? Did he think......he was losing the only friend he had? And losing that friendship equated as losing his love to him?

That realization struck him like a blow.

His head snapped up to look at YiBo. "I did not share what was ours. I did not share us," he said earnestly. There may not be a chance for them anymore but the wounds they both carried, Zhan wanted those to heal, for both of them.

"You were never home. You spend all your time with him. You were always at his place! I came home and you weren't there."

There were more hurt than accusation in YiBo's voice, in his eyes and which was probably why Zhan did not feel the choking, crippling feeling he usually felt when YiBo accused him.

"I've told you many times before and I'm telling you now, I was not spending all my times with Talu. I was not at his house all the time. I-" Zhan stopped himself and instead of just denying he took a different approach. "I hope you remember that Talu was already a star back then, having done quite a few hit dramas already. Being in the same line of work, do you honestly think he would have had that much free time to spend with me? He was barely in the city, let alone in his own home. Due to his schedule it was days before we even spoke on the phone. You don't have to believe me but you know how things work in your industry, don't you?"

Hesitation and sudden realization was stark on YiBo's face. He clearly wanted to deny but as Zhan said, he knew how things worked for a successful actor in their field.

"Then where were you? If not with him, then where were you?" He asked.

Looking down at the loose string again, Zhan worried his lower lip. This was something he had never told anyone, neither YiBo nor Talu nor anyone else.

"I was looking for jobs," he told YiBo and did not add anything else, hoping against hope that YiBo would be satisfied with only that.

"In the evening as well? What kind of places holds interviews in the evening?" YiBo demanded to know and logically so.

"Small jobs. Departmental stores, book shops, chemists, places like that," without looking up he answered, voice clipped. Born in a middle class family, Zhan did not grow up being prejudiced against certain jobs. But with a university degree in fashion designing and dreams of making a career on it, working in a chemist's store was a blow to his already low self esteem. Still things would not have been that bad if it were only him. But it was not, there was YiBo to think about as well. Zhan still remembered how worried and scared he was, how he wore masks all the time, avoided eye contacts so that no one would find him out and connect back to YiBo whose popularity as an actor was growing like forest fire. A rookie actor having a partner with a nonexistent career or background would have been enough to seal YiBo's career shut. And then there was the fear of YiBo disdaining Zhan's jobs and not letting him do it. Or worse, YiBo feeling ashamed of him.

Zhan realized the other side still had not responded, was too quiet. He looked at YiBo to find him staring back at him with horrified shock.

His heart dropped to the pit of his stomach. Now he would have to face what he tried to avoid those years ago.

"You were working in those shops?" YiBo's eyes were wide, disbelieving, "Why didn't you tell me?"

What could he say to that? Zhan kept silent. But YiBo was insistent.

"Why didn't you tell me this back then? When I asked you, why didn't you say that you were taking these jobs?" A frown appeared and deepened in between YiBo's brows as his shook his head in confusion, "I asked you if you were over at Talu's and you denied. Then you stopped even denying that and I thought I... Why?"

"You didn't believe me when I told you the truth time and again. What would it have changed to repeat that a few more times? That's why I stopped."

"No, no, I meant" YiBo closed his eyes and took a short, deep breath, and continued, "I meant why didn't you tell me about your jobs? Did you think I wouldn't have believed that either? I'm not a monster, Ge! I'm not!"

Zhan was fully expecting him to going into rage for hiding things but YiBo telling him in that hurt filled voice that he was not a monster did painful things to his chest.

"No, you're not. Don't say that!" Zhan told him, urging him to stop thinking like that. "Hiding that was my decision."

"But why did you hide? Don't you think things between us would have improved if I knew you were not really spending time with Talu?"

"No, I don't think so. Even though these two things seem to be connected, I don't think anything could have actually improved"

"How could you say that?! Knowing the actual truth would have cleared so many things! How can you not see that?"

YiBo's voice had risen quite a bit in agitation and even though Zhan rationally knew YiBo was not yelling at him, he still flinched at the sound. Only his resolve to talk things through today stopped him from bolting.

"YiBo...YiBo, can you please not- I will answer every question you have today; I'll answer them all one by one just- just don't push me, please. I don't do well under pressure." It was not very coherent, nor was it free flowing but Zhan hoped his message was clear.

And apparently it was as YiBo's face changed completely. "I'm not- I'm not pressuring you. I'm sorry. Are you feeling sick?" He asked worriedly, "Take your time. I'm sorry. You don't have to talk if you're feeling sick."

Seeing his reaction Zhan was quite surprised, to say the least. He would be outright lying if he said YiBo was not a considerate person because he was. When they were together, YiBo was extremely caring and considerate most of the time. But never before had Zhan seen him trying to control himself to this degree after such a revelation.

He shook his head, "I'm all right, I'm not feeling sick. It's just....talking about the past triggers my anxiety and when it does it's hard for me to continue speaking. Also, raised voices, loud noise, they make me nervous."

"...........I...had no idea. I'm sorry," YiBo's voice had gone down to a whisper. And there was that look again, the scared, hurt, lost one. The one Zhan could not stand and made him want to hug the other man.

He cleared his throat a bit too loudly, "It's not your fault. You're not supposed to know. Anyway, I will answer your second question first. I don't think telling you about my job would have solved anything permanently because the trust was gone, YiBo. You had stopped believing me. True that for the time being you probably would have believed that I wasn't spending all my time with Talu but once you start doubting, it never stops. The next incident is just a doubt away."

"You don't know that! If that was the case then no relationship would have survived in this world. You can't be certain," YiBo pretested but his voice remained low.

"Of course, I'm not certain but it was how I perceived the situation back then. And-," Zhan hesitated before saying, "And it was not just a singled out incident either. It had been happening for a while. I told you the truth, you didn't believe; it was going on and on."

"And why didn't you tell me about those jobs?"

Zhan stared at him for a few seconds without saying anything. "Because I was afraid that you'd be ashamed of me. That those paparazzi would find out and defame you. That your career would be ruined because of me. And.............and I was ashamed of myself.....for being a failure."

YiBo opened his mouth, then visibly restrained himself and closed his eyes. Swiping a hand over his face he said, "Why did you think I would be ashamed of you?"

"I don't know," Zhan shrugged lightly, voice flat, "I only remember constantly thinking that you would be disappointed if you knew, that you would be ashamed of me. You always wanted me to work for big brands and there I was, twenty four and a complete failure. And I hated myself for it. I felt worthless, felt like a parasite."

"Oh god! I didn't want you to work for big names because of the brands! It's only because I knew that was your dream! I wanted you to live your dream! How can you not know that? How can you- goddamnit!"

"I know that! Theoretically I knew that but I could not believe it in my mind! I couldn't convince myself. Because- because I wanted to be someone whom you'd be proud of, who can stand beside you with head held high and I failed at it so miserably. I tried and tried and couldn't do anything! Whenever I thought you would never reject me for my failure I thought of how it would play out to the media, to your fans. They would never accept someone like me as your chosen partner. In turn they would turn against you. And if not then maybe in future you would despise me, think of me as a burden- I was nothing. I didn't feel like I had any worth left. Because the only thing I had for you, my love, you doubted even that!"

YiBo was now facing Zhan sideways, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, hands rubbing over his face. "That's not true, not true. Your love- I didn't doubt it- I.....there was nothing I wanted more than- Why didn't you tell anything? About how you were feeling?" YiBo asked the last question looking at Zhan with sad, helpless eyes.

"I wanted to; sometimes I really wanted to tell you everything," Zhan said truthfully, "Wanted you to tell me what I should do. I was so lost, I couldn't think properly. I wanted the pain and hurt to stop. But you were getting busier and busier. Touring all over the country. The only time we got to spend together apart from fighting, I didn't want to waste those moments talking about me."

"Talking about you is not a waste of time!" YiBo exclaimed in frustration, "Ge....why did you think like that? Did you think I wouldn't have listened if you talked to me?"

"You didn't listen when I said I wasn't cheating on you." Zhan replied and YiBo clamped his mouth shut. Zhan, however continued, "But that was not the reason I didn't tell you. As I said, I didn't want to waste our time together, didn't want to add anything to the already mounting tension of ours. And you need to understand that I did not know what was happening to me at that time. All I knew was that my sanity was slipping away little by little."

"When did you find out that you had- what was happening with you?"

This was the most difficult part of what Zhan was about to disclose. But to reach that part he would have to elaborate quite a bit. Breathing in and out he started, "I was working at a bookstore at that time and after a couple of weeks I started to feel unwell. I'd get dizzy for no reason, feel weak, lose appetite or just feel sick at the smell of cooking. I was tired all the time and sometimes would sick up. At first I didn't think much of it and thought it was just my mood or stress. Then one day while stacking up I threw up on a book. Apparently it was a first edition copy and I lost the job," Zhan smiled ruefully, recalling how wretched and lost he felt after losing even that job. He glanced at YiBo to see the man was still sitting with his linked fingers around his forehead, shading his eyes. Concerned, Zhan thought of asking him if he was all right but thought against it. "I realized that there was something wrong with my body and went to see a doctor."

"Where was I? Why didn't I notice you were that sick?" YiBo asked, voice eerily subdued.

Zhan chewed on his lip. Was YiBo angry? Because Zhan didn't tell him or because he couldn't detect Zhan's sickness? "You were guesting at that cave exploration show in the north." YiBo was gone for almost three weeks.

"And why didn't you tell me over phone?"

".............I didn't want to distract you from the shoot. I didn't think it was anything serious."

"Going on for days and nothing serious?" YiBo asked, eyes boring onto Zhan.

"That's what I thought then. I'm telling you only whatever happened at the time. If given chance perhaps I would have done many things differently but I didn't and there is nothing I can do now other than retelling you."

Staring at him for a moment long YiBo nodded and looked away, "What happened then? Did you do go to a doctor?"

"I did," Zhan replied, then paused to swallow, "He suggested a pregnancy test after checking." A sharp intake of breath was all he received from YiBo as a response. After a pause Zhan added, "I took it and it came out positive. I had already conceived."

"And I didn't even know you were a Carrier," YiBo remarked when Zhan did not continue.

I didn't know myself." Not all men could conceive. To determine who were the Carriers, male kids had to go through testing which clearly wasn't foolproof as Zhan was the living example. "I wouldn't have hidden such an information from you had I knew beforehand. The pregnancy was as much a shock to me."

"Then?"

Zhan gazed at YiBo's staring eyes for a quick fleeting moment before looking away again, "The first thing I wanted to do was to-" his throat quivered in a swallow of nervousness, "to tell you. To ask you to come home, want you tell me what I should do now..." He was so scared and confused. All his life he knew he wasn't a Carrier, YiBo wasn't one either. The only chance of having babies they had was through adoption or surrogacy. They had had unprotected sex innumerable times before that and nothing ever happened. But then suddenly he was pregnant. Twenty four, broke, without a job, on the verge of a breakup and pregnant. While he was losing his grip over life, a new one was slowly growing inside him. Memories flashed by, of sitting numbly in their room, holding the test result, wanting YiBo, needing YiBo.........Fearing YiBo.

"Then why the hell didn't you tell me? What stopped you?!" Sounded like YiBo's patience was wearing thin quickly. "My not being home can't possibly be the reason! Why didn't you tell me immediately?"

"Because I feared that you would question the paternity of this child!" Desperation dripped from Zhan's suddenly shrill voice, which then immediately lowered, "Because I was afraid that you wouldn't believe me. That you would think- that you would accuse me of- of-"

Zhan's throat was clogging up; there was a tightness in his chest while he could feel his heartbeats inside his temples.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Ge, don't panic, okay? Don't panic. Are you feeling sick? Can I- can I get you-"

"Because I wouldn't have survived if you suspected the source of that life inside me. That was why I didn't tell you. Because I was scared of you."

YiBo recoiled as if slapped, "I would have never, ever rejected any part of you! No matter what I doubted at the time, I would have died before letting you go, letting go a part of you go willingly."

Listening to the words Zhan huffed a reproachful smile and shook his head, giving his face a rough, quick rub. It was unfortunate that YiBo couldn't understand the fault in his reasoning. "It was not your rejection but your doubt that I couldn't take." A bone deep sigh wrecked his body, "Anyway, a few days later you came back. I tried to gather up enough courage to broach the subject but failed, like I did in everything else. Deciding to take a different way, one night I asked you about your thoughts in having a baby. You said-"

"I was too young to even think of kids......and that I didn't like them," YiBo finished with a flat tone. He gave Zhan a piercing look, "You do realize that I would not have said the same had I known it was my own child or a child growing inside you, don't you?"

"I know that now. I didn't know that then. I didn't have the mental faculty of thinking that clearly at the time. But YiBo....knowing that you would have still thought of the possibility of the child being not yours, even if you accepted it, would have of any consolation to me? How would have I accepted it while I was nothing but loyal to you?" That fear was what crippled his rationality and stopped him from telling the truth.

From YiBo's expression it was clear that he wanted to protest, to refute but decided to stay silent instead. Zhan appreciated it. He needed to tell everything before he lost the nerve.

"However, it was true though," Zhan went on. "You were indeed too young to be a father, too unprepared. It would have been unfair to dump that responsibility on you, especially when you were in the middle of building your own life."

"A life that would have guaranteed the wellbeing of my family. Yes, I was busy building that."

Zhan twisted untwisted his interlocked fingers and stared out of the French windows that were just behind the couch. A small spell of silence engulfed them.

"By then I had fully convinced myself that I was a burden to you, that I was making your life miserable. I thought you didn't want me anymore but I didn't want to lose you either. My back was against a wall and didn't know in what direction I should go. I wanted us to go back to our happy days again, wanted us to be all right again. Keeping the pregnancy hidden from you was killing me little by little. I couldn't even look at you in the eye but knew that you would accuse me if you knew about the baby. That was when............." for the last few minutes his head had begun to feel lighter, chest hollow. He desperately tried to rein his emotions in; he needed to clear things out today. "That's when I started to think about terminating the pregnancy."

A barely whispered, faint, "What" could be heard in the following silence. Zhan resolutely did not look at his ex partner.

"You might think of me as a monster and probably won't be wrong either but I was in the middle of losing everything and grasped for what I thought to be the star straw. I went from not even knowing I was a Carrier to someone bearing a child. I lost the job. Mentions of break up were already coming up in our fights more and more and I just couldn't think anymore. My mind was shutting down. I stayed awake nights after nights, thought of even....... even killing myself but even then I didn't want to leave you behind, alone. I still wanted us to be together."

YiBo was crying, Zhan could tell by the suppressed sounds of soft sobs. He kept looking out the windows with a hollowed out heart. But his voice did shake a little when he spoke next.

"And then one afternoon I found myself pacing outside an abortion centre." He had to stop at this. This throat was squeezing shut by the pain. Ever since that day he had to live with the knowledge that there was a time when he contemplated not keeping Xing, his baby, this fragile, vulnerable little life that looked at him with so much trust in his eyes. And Zhan would have to live the rest of his life with that sin, with that guilt. "It was a big building. I looked up to its top and thought of jumping off and finishing it all at once. I seriously considered it..........." A few yellowed leaves fell in slow motion from the trees in his garden. His eyes followed their downfall. "There was this placard in the entryway, 'If You Have A Choice, Keep The Life'." Those words still floated in front of him as if he was seeing them now. "In that exact moment I realized that I needed help. I wasn't in my right mind and I needed serious, medical help. I couldn't do it. However unplanned, accidental the baby was, however amount of suspicion I would be subjected to, that baby was still a part of you, growing inside me. A living proof that in that moment of conception, our love was true. That you loved me, trusted me in that very moment. And I couldn't give that up. I couldn't give up our child. But I knew I couldn't possibly ruin your life not only with a failed partnership but also with a baby you were not prepared to father. And I realized how broken and damaged I was. So, I decided to flee. There was no way I could have left after facing you. Leaving a note was all I could think of. And I don't expect you to believe me when I say I wanted to come back as soon as possible, as soon as I could fix myself, make myself someone you could be proud of. I didn't leave so that I could keep Xing away from you. I did so that- so-" Zhan's voice was trembling so bad that it was getting harder to talk, "So that we could have a healthy and whole family....." He couldn't continue anymore.

YiBo was openly crying now. Wretched sounds of pain and hurt were slipping past the fingers that were hiding his face. Zhan's own eyes were overflowing as well. Three years worth of suppressed emotions were welling out of them in waves.

Zhan wanted to reach out, to hug him, console him. YiBo's tears had always been Zhan's undoing. But he had lost the right. The man sitting on the other end, the father of his son was not his anymore. Therefore, he could only watch in pain.

"So...you chose Xing over me," YiBo spoke in tear soaked voice after a long, stretched moment.

"....................Yes."

"Not anyone else, not anything else but our son."

"Yes."

"And you didn't abandon me because you didn't want me anymore."

"No."

Another wave of fresh tears rolled out of YiBo in broken sobs and Zhan couldn't stand any longer. Throwing all cautions to the wind, he scooted closer to the crying man and placed a tentative hand on YiBo's bent back.

"Don't cry, please, please, don't cry like this. It's my fault. I messed up. But hurting you deliberately never ever remotely crossed my mind. Please, trust me this once, YiBo."

But nothing worked. YiBo was inconsolable. "It's not...It's not," he kept saying and shaking his head.

"You wanted to come back?" YiBo asked, voice hoarse.

"Always."

"Then why didn't you?"

This was another part Zhan was unsure whether to tell or not. But not wanting to holding back anything anymore he decided to tell. "I wanted to. After Xing was born I wanted to contact you. It wasn't an easy decision. The way I left I was sure you would not accept me or maybe even Xing but still I wanted you to know your son. You didn't know about Xing but I never hid you from Xing. He knew he had another father, he knew you were his Daddy. I knew I would come back the moment I left. But then," he cleared his throat, "then the news of your dating surfaced."

YiBo frowned, "Dating? But I didn't- was that about that rookie actress I made a drama with? That was purely a media gossip! It wasn't true!"

"I didn't know that. All the media was talking about it and- and the way things ended between us, you moving on with your life was something natural, expected. Although I still wanted to tell you about Xing but after that first one the dating rumours began to pour in. A new one every week or so. And I lost my courage. I was still nothing. No career, no money, nothing. So, I decided to take some more time to get a stable ground under my feet. That way you wouldn't- you wouldn't be embarrassed by me. That's when Yiling came into being."

"Talu had helped you with that, didn't he?" YiBo asked and thankfully, his voice did not carry any anger for a change.

Zhan nodded, "Yes. I didn't have savings and you know my parents are not well off. With Xing being a new born I couldn't go job hunting either. Then Talu suggested opening my own company. I didn't want to take any more help from him, especially any financial one but.......but he convinced me and Yiling was established."

What Talu had actually done was to tell him that the quicker Zhan made a stable career the sooner he could get back with YiBo. That lure was the only thing that worked into making Zhan accept his friend's help. But he could not possibly tell that to YiBo. That was too intimate, vulnerable side of his heart.

And YiBo didn't ask after it either, seemingly focussed on another matter. "Why didn't you come back then? You had your dream career, you were a big name. What stopped you again?"

"The official announcement of your engagement to Ms. Huang."

The shock on YiBo's face seemed odd to Zhan. Did YiBo think Zhan would not have noticed the news that was practically plastered on every available media? Or maybe he didn't think Zhan would be that considerate?

"Ge... Ge, that's not- you don't know! There are some things you don't-"

"No, please, YiBo, you don't have to explain things. It was my decision. You didn't have any part in it. And I am happy for you. I truly am."

"But Ge! You don't understand. Vanessa and I- We-"

No, Zhan was not ready to listen to YiBo's relationship with his fiancée. He had already gone way beyond his emotional limit to have this entire conversation. He could not take anymore. YIbo mentioning himself and Vanessa as 'we' Zhan could not take that in his current state. Maybe there would be a time when he would be composed enough to hear all about YiBo's happy life but not today, not now. He felt raw, bare and fragile.

"Please, YiBo, let me finish. If I can't say everything today maybe I would lose my courage again."

Reluctantly YiBo shut his mouth.

"I never properly apologized for ruining your wedding but please, believe me I did not do it on purpose. I was really invited. And I thought- I thought you knew about the invitation. I had no idea that........" He trailed off. "I was mortified when I knew and I can't tell you how ashamed and sorry I feel for what happened that day. That was not how I meant for you to meet Xing for the first time."

Instead of accepting the apology or commenting on it, YiBo asked something entirely off. "Did you design my wedding suit?"

The question took Zhan in complete surprise. After the brief pause, he nodded in affirmation.

They sat in complete silence. Seconds stretched into minutes.

"Did you get the help you thought you needed?" YiBo broke the silence.

"I did," Zhan nodded. "It was my obstetrician who diagnosed my anxiety disorder and depression. She referred me to one of her friends. The therapist told me that my issues had developed so much that I would be needed to put on medication immediately. I had almost no prior ideas about those issues and with the pregnancy, I didn't want to be on medication. But she assured me that I would be prescribed only those drugs that were completely safe and would not jeopardize the baby's heath. She feared that if I neglected the disorder any longer than I already did there was a high chance of me developing post partum after my baby was born. I couldn't risk that. My sole purpose of living was for my Xing and how I could bring him into this world safely. I agreed to the treatment immediately and I'm still on the recovery process."

The fear and pain was back on YiBo's face, "That night....is that how it's every time?"

"No, not...really. It depends on the situation and how emotionally affected I am by it. The level of severity differs and I rarely get full blown attacks now."

"Is it curable completely? Will you be all right?"

"It is recoverable. But it won't go away completely. There will be relapses. There will be triggered breakdowns. And prolonged medications are not recommended if there are other ways. Which is why therapy helps. Makes me more efficient to deal with the triggers."

".....................Am I a trigger?"

That question and the voice it was asked in made Zhan's heart ache. "Not you but some incidents of our past."

Closing his eyes, YiBo bowed his head. "After leaving where did you go?"

"To my parents."

YiBo's head shot up, "To the north? And they took you in?"

It was not a secret that Zhan's parents were never accepting of their relationship. Zhan being gay and not a Carrier meant the end of their family line, as he was the only child, and continuing the family name was the biggest and foremost priority for the male children in their society. Therefore, his parents severed their ties with him when he decided to move in with YiBo. But their approaches changed drastically once they knew Zhan was pregnant. It didn't make him any fonder of his parents but he needed a safe place to stay and being able to connect with his parents did help to some extent.

"They did, yeah. I didn't think they would but they did."

"Talu knew, didn't he?"

"He did but I forbade him to tell you. He never wanted me to disappear from your life or hide the pregnancy but I made him promise not to interfere between you and me. That's why he didn't tell you." Hesitating for a bit, Zhan added, "Did you look for me?" He had always wondered whether YiBo did. Because if YiBo's mother could find him why couldn't he?

YiBo looked away, "I did. For a few days I searched for you everywhere I could think of. After that..........I wasn't in the right place to continue. The hurt, the anger, the pain- they engulfed me completely."

Tendrils of worry crept inside Zhan. He wanted to ask what did YiBo mean but didn't get the chance as the man spoke the next moment.

"You said you never stopped..........is that true?"

Zhan's eyes widened. He instantly knew what his ex was talking about. When YiBo had asked him when did Zhan stop loving him, Zhan, in his muddled, chaotic state, had answered that he had never stopped. After coming to his senses, Zhan had hoped and prayed for a miracle to make YiBo forget that slip but apparently his wish wasn't granted.

"YiBo.......I don't think it's appropriate for us to- to talk about such things anymore. You're in a-"

"Not appropriate?" YiBo sounded incredulous, "What do you mean not appropriate? We are where we are now is only because I thought you didn't love me anymore. You think getting to know the truth now would be inappropriate?"

Zhan was torn. He didn't want to answer that. Didn't want to look like a fool who still pined after his lost love. But what YiBo said was valid as well. YiBo deserved to know. Hence, he chose his words carefully, "Had I loved you a little less I would have been able to stay."

After staring at him deep and intensely, YiBo stood up abruptly, facing away from Zhan as if he didn't want Zhan to see his face.

"Thank you for telling-" YiBo cleared his suddenly raspy voice, still facing away, "telling me this. I know there are still many things that need to be cleared but I don't think I can take anymore today. I have- I have a lot to process." Zhan heard him gulp audibly. Then YiBo turned his head slightly to his left and threw over his shoulder, "Just don't- don't disappear again. Don't leave me behind again. I know I have fucked up, I have hurt you beyond forgiveness but-" his voice broke, "don't punish me more than I can bear." He paused. Zhan had gotten up as well and the more YiBo talked the more alarmed he became. But YiBo had more to say, "I know that just like the world you also think of me as this heartless, cold bastard that doesn't have any human emotion but Ge, I, too, have a breaking point. I won't survive a second time." With that YiBo rushed to the door.

"YiBo!" Now fully scared of what YiBo had just said, Zhan ran after him. "YiBo, wait!"

He did wait. Just at the main gate YiBo stopped and turned towards Zhan who was about to get down the porch and said, "And I am really happy that you chose Xing."

And YiBo was gone, leaving behind a shocked, worried Zhan standing still, staring blankly at the place YiBo had stood just a moment ago.

[][][][]

Calm down. My dumb boi BoBo will have his fair share of confession as well, when the time is perfect.😌

Next Saturday there really won't be any update. Really. Stop looking at me with those kicked puppy eyes! Stopit!☹️

So, how was it?🙃