Yo, update time!😎

So, as some of you've asked, here are some more tips for how to interact with someone with depression.💁

1. If you're willing to listen to them, have them talk to you, do so ONLY when you have plenty of time in your hands. For example, if you're on your way to work or some place and you start a conversation with them where you ask them to tell you something, then you tell them you gotta go and you two will catch up later, be certain, however sincere you are about your promise, the person will take it as a rejection. They will think that you don't particularly want to hear them out or just plain bored by them. Remember, feeling inadequate or like a burden is one of the biggest parts of depression.

2. While boosting them up, don't brag about how you have overcome your fears and burdens despite every obstacles. Instead, talk about your own vulnerability while facing those problems. Talk about how scared and helpless you felt. Give them something to relate to; then talk about how you overcame. Show them that they are just like you, nothing less.

3. Just because you're giving them time or listening to them, do not expect them to be your listening buddy as well. If you're the one reaching out, they don't owe you anything. Your kindness should be voluntary. Don't help so that you can have something back that will benefit you.

4. For fuck's sake, DO NOT start dumping your own problems and issues on them just because they are "well versed" in mental health issues. Speaking from personal experience. More often than not people think I'm there to counsel them because I've gone through shit.

5. If you're someone suffering from depression or anxiety disorder, please, refrain yourself from befriending someone with the same or similar issues to talk about these things. Both of your problems will trigger each other and you may relapse badly.

Lastly, guys, I understand that you want quick updates but do know that writers have just as shitty life as you do. If you read these notes you'll know that my life is a mess. Google sends me helpline numbers on a daily basis. Dishing out one chapter per week is all I can do at the moment. And I'm a very mediocre writer with limited talent.

Also, my most favourite character is back in this chapter!💃Guess who?😏

Share your thoughts. Votes are lil touches of love.💜

Off ya go!

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Chapter-22

YiBo wanted nothing more than to just go back, hole up in his bedroom and never come out. He did not want to go to the shoot, did not want to stand in front of the camera, did not want to face his life.

As the car sped up, taking him to the studio, dread filled YiBo's stomach. He was in no state of dealing with people, let alone doing a high profile advert shoot. But unfortunately, in his country's show business, termination of a work contract was regarded as one of the most unprofessional and insincere things to do under any circumstances, except for heavy physical injury. Desperate for a way out, YiBo had asked his assistant to try that option as well but it did not work as Xiu Ying informed, arranging a fake injury report at such a short notice would not be possible.

And losing this contract for his own fault would tarnish his reputation for a long time, if not forever. YiBo was still a young artist with fewer footholds than that of a veteran actor. On top of that, this brand was the main sponsor for his professional racing championship next month. If he lost the deal now, it would be damaging.

But his mind and body were just not in control anymore today.

As he sat limply in the backseat with a blank look, a few bikes zoomed by his car, camera shutters going off wildly at his tinted windows, trying to catch a glimpse of him. That reminded him that before facing the studio cameras he would also have to face the hoards of screaming fans, for however little while that might be.

What made him sick to the stomach was that while his entire life was falling apart all the fans would see was how sexy and hot he looked. As if he was nothing but a body. As if the numb, lost look he had today was just another mask he had put on for the fans to admire.

As if the Wang YiBo, the person not the artist, was invisible to the world.

A sigh left from the deepest recess of his body, interrupting his already erratic heartbeats.

XOXOXOX

Standing in front of the set up, absent minded and staring unseeingly at a random spot, YiBo let the crew fuss over him. His makeup artist had worked up a storm earlier; wailing and tutting and whining over his dull looking skin and those 'horrible' eye bags. YiBo told him to shut up in no uncertain way. This was probably the first time he loathed doing a project.

There would be three set of photoshoots with three different costumes and one short video. A long day ahead. As the main camera man asked him whether he was ready, he pulled himself out of the blank zone with effort and nodded in affirmation.

A few minutes into the shoot and things weren't going so well. The shoot director was not getting what he wanted and YiBo could not concentrate for the life of him.

"More attitude, assertiveness! You're energizing the youths. Our target consumers must look at you and feel the rush of energy immediately. Your body language must reflect that energy!" The director constantly threw in the instructions while YiBo tried his hardest. But energy was the last thing he could summon up today. Feeling like a zombie, he could not even cheer himself up, let alone others.

Two shoots went like that. YiBo barely managing to fulfil what was demanded of him, the director getting more and more frustrated. Due to his repute and the team being he had worked with previously once, everyone showed utmost patience but things dwindled away more in the third shoot.

YiBo physically felt drained, ill. Every five seconds his mind was going back to the happenings of yesterday. The wounds he bore for the past years seemed to be self inflicted. He was the root of everyone's sufferings and he did not even realize it, blaming the person that he had hurt the most! How could he go on and be normal after knowing all that? And they wanted him to look assertive and appealing? As if the situation was not choking the life out of him.

"Stop! Stop! Time out! Take a time out!" The director hollered and made the time out gesture at everyone. Then he went to where YiBo was posing with a bike. "YiBo," he hesitated before saying, "is everything okay? We really need to get this done today if we want to release it by next month."

"I understand. I apologize for the inconvenience. Do I need to redo the previous two?" YiBo asked. He would if he was asked to. He would have to.

"Nah, those were all right. But this one and the video will be the most impactful, so.....you know..."

YiBo nodded. He did know. Whether his world crushed down or he lost his life, these people would get their deal done anyhow. He would have to dazzle and shine even if he was drowning in dark misery. He was a star, after all.

"All right, good. Why don't we take a break and reorganize?"

After that YiBo went back to the dressing room, flopping down on the chair, eyes closing immediately.

"Can I get you anything, Boss? Juice? Some Green tea?" Xiu Ying enquired.

"Some ginger tea would be nice," YiBo said without opening his eyes and extended his hand. Xiu Ying handed over YiBo's phone that he kept during shoots and went out.

Feeling that slick, cold body of the device, YiBo tried to compose his mind enough so that he could finish this as soon as possible. He wanted to be alone where not even a peep of a sound could reach him. The war that had been going on inside him needed solitude to end itself.

He also wanted to be with him. Talking to him, asking him, begging him.......loving him.

It had always been about him.

His text alert interrupted his musings. YiBo decided to ignore it but when it chimed again he reluctantly opened his eyes to check.

Would you be able to make some time today to see Xing? –XZ

Just that one line and YiBo was sitting ramrod straight. Never had he imagined that Zhan would contact him on his own, all things considered.

Then he realized how flawed his thinking was. They might have talked now but none of the things were new. What he had gotten to know yesterday was something Zhan had suffered through more than three years ago. The pain, the fear, the loneliness, none of it was new to him.

And even after all this Zhan was still trying to include YiBo in his life.

Guilt, shame rose up his throat like bile. How could he face them knowing all that?

He was asking for you the whole day. –XZ

Meanwhile came another text.

Hesitating for a moment, YiBo typed out a reply.

I might not make it today. Sill at work. Also, I don' think I should. –WY

The last part that he added was so that Zhan would not think he was dodging because of something else.

The minutes in between the reply came was spent with nervous leg bouncing.

You mean you should not meet your own son? Is that what you've decided? –XZ

Alarmed to see Zhan drawing such a conclusion, YiBo quickly replied back.

I'll be there but it might take some time. –WY

Time won't be a problem. Xing will be very happy. –XZ

YiBo wished he could have a shard of his son's innocence and be happy just at the thought of seeing him...them. But how could he face them?

He could not pursue that thought anymore as Xiu Ying returned with his tea and the shoot resumed shortly after that.

He still felt detached and could not give his best. However, his performance was undeniably better than before.

Because while his conscience was tormented with guilt, his shameless heart was elated at the promise of seeing Zhan again soon.

XOXOXOX

"When Daddy arrives, hug him tight, okay?" Zhan said while putting moisturizer all over his son's face.

Xing, wriggling and trying to get away, made displeased noises.

"Do you hear me?" Rubbing the cream on those plump cheeks, Zhan squeezed them softly.

"Noh! Pway! Go! Goooo!"

"You're playing all day! How come you're not tired?"

"GOGOGOGOGOGOOOOO!"

"Don't scream, XingXing! Good boys don't scream. And there, I'm done. Go and-"

Xing bolted from the room.

Zhan sighed in fond exasperation. He was tense about how things would go after he meet up with YiBo today. When Xiu Ying asked him to convince YiBo he had found it really odd. Why would Zhan be able to convince YiBo about his work? They were not close anymore. Not even friends. Shouldn't his fiancée be the obvious choice?

Zhan shook his head, not wanting to think about YiBo's fiancée. Whenever he saw them together, or thought about their wedding, something pained horribly inside his chest.

Although, he had refused Xiu Ying, he knew he was the reason YiBo was upset and not helping him when needed did not sit well either. Hence, he had asked the man to come see Xing., thinking that the thoughts of seeing his son might cheer up the man. It was also to see how YiBo would react post discussion and his ex's response had added much to his anxiety.

Never before YiBo had been reluctant to meet Xing. In fact, he usually went out of his way to make time to see their son. Then why did he say he should not?

Didn't YiBo say he was glad that Zhan chose Xing?

It had taken Zhan a gigantic amount of courage to send that first text. Setting aside his fear of rejection and proactively doing something where YiBo was concerned was never easy for him. But fortunately, his YiBo had replied positively in the end.

Now, he waited for the man to turn up, extending Xing's bedtime for the night.

Soon YiBo arrived. Except for the brief glace at the entrance he did not make eye contact with Zhan, even when they exchanged hellos and few words.

Zhan, however, did not get the chance to dwell on it because Xing almost flew and crashed into YiBo the next moment.

"DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Squealing in excitement he hugged his Dad's legs.

YiBo held one of his little arms and ruffled his hair. "Hey, Peanut."

"Up up, Daddy! Up!" Xing demanded.

To Zhan's utter shock YiBo did not comply and kept exchanging nonsensical words that seemed to distract Xing. He seemed to be avoiding looking directly at Xing as well, pointing at random things to take Xing's attention off himself.

Zhan then knew. He knew what was happening. YiBo was withdrawing. Emotionally.

Enough experience under his belt, thanks to his own issues and therapies, Zhan could detect the signs and it scared him to no end. He could not let this happen! Would not let YiBo shut himself off like this.

Eyes focussed on his ex he spoke to his son, "Xing, why don't you show Daddy your new toys?"

Xing turned towards him, looking up, "Dagon?"

"Yes, baby, dragons and that train set Uncle Xuan gave you last week and all the other toys."

Xing blinked at him rapidly, looked back at Daddy then ran to his playroom.

Time was short and he would have to be quick. Pinning YiBo with his stare, Zhan asked, "What do you think you're doing?"

That point black question seemed to startle YiBo. "What?" He asked with obvious confusion.

"Why are you avoiding him? And, no, don't deny. It's glaringly obvious."

For a second it seemed YiBo really wanted to deny the claim, then thought against it. "What else can I do? I can't face him!" YiBo sounded so lost and pained it hit Zhan straight to the heart. "I can't face you."

The last part was said in a whisper as YiBo pressed his palms to his eyes.

"Don't," Zhan's voice was hard, definitive. "Don't go into that path. I did not tell the things I did yesterday so that I can guilt trip you. The whole point of it was so that we could move forward for Xing. So, don't push him away."

"I'm not pushing him away!" YiBo's voice turned shrill from frustration. "I'm- what if I'm not good for him? What if I put him in danger again?"

"You did not put him in danger!"Zhan was just as frustrated. "And YiBo, Xing waited his entire life for you! It was he who found you. Despite never seeing you in person before he took the initiative to approach you, and ever since that day not an hour goes by when he does not talk about his Daddy. You think he cares about the issues we've had? Don't break his heart, YiBo."

"I'm not! I don't want to! Do you think that's what I want? He's my life! But what should I do? I'm scared!" YiBo's voice had risen quite a bit and his eyes begged Zhan to show him the way. "Tell me what should I do?!"

Before Zhan could react or YiBo could say more a high pitched cry pierced through them, along with a crash of toys falling.

Apparently, while bringing his toys Xing had heard their raised voices that startled him to tears.

Mentally cursing, Zhan was instantly in front of his son, picking him up. "No no, baby, Daddy didn't yell at you, he didn't scold you! Nobody yelled at my little prince! Papa and Daddy were just talking! No, sweetheart, don't cry. Don't be scared!" He soothed rubbing a hand up and down Xing's small back as the toddler wailed on.

Then he looked at the other man and felt like cursing again. YiBo stood there looking like an older version of a distressed Xing, about to cry. Making split second decision Zhan almost shoved the still wailing and struggling Xing to his Daddy.

"If you make him cry you'll have to console him."

Father and son both flailed for a moment. "I don't know how to!" YiBo exclaimed.

"You'd have to learn. Deal with it," saying this Zhan quickly scurried away and peered at the scene from afar.

"I'm so sorry, Peanut! I didn't yell at you, I promise! Please, don't cry. It won't happen again."

He heard YiBo say to which Xing cried harder. Zhan knew his imp of a son was now just seeking attention; the initial shock had worn off long ago.

"Please, please don't cry. Daddy is sorry, baby." YiBo tried to peck his cheek and earned quite a few smacks in the face.

"Bad," Xing said in between hiccupping and sobbing, "Daddy bad."

"Yes, Daddy is bad, Daddy is very bad."

Seeing that an adult was agreeing with him so readily, Xing's tears dried out quickly and he looked owlishly at his dad.

"I'm sorry, Peanut. Forgive me?" YiBo asked hopefully.

Xing, being the smart boy he was, hit the iron while it was hot. "Akkim."

"Ak- what? What's that?"

"AKKIIIIIIM!" Xing clearly and loudly stated, making certain that no one should deny him of his claim.

"You want...ice cream?"

Xing nodded with a glare.

"But it's already this late, baby, it won't be-"

"NOOOOHHHHH! NOH NOH! XingXing wan Akkim!" A series of smacks rained down on YiBo's face.

"Okay okay, got it. Akkim it is. We're going for akkim if," YiBo paused for Xing's attention, "if only your Papa agrees with it."

The moment 'papa' was mentioned Xing started to scream for his Papa at the top of his lungs, making YiBo wince.

Papa strolled in, looking ignorant, as if he wasn't eavesdropping the entire time. "What is it?"

"Akkim! Daddy go akkim!" Xing exclaimed, opening and closing his little fist at Papa. The message was clear.

"Is that so? And you want to go?"

"Go! Go go go! XingXing go!"

"All right. If you are a good boy and don't bother Daddy, you can go." Zhan told his son and looked at YiBo. "Is that okay with you? You must be very tired."

"No, I'm all right! I'm never tired for y- for him," YiBo was quick to reassure.

Zhan did not miss that little slip. His heart gave a lurch.

"Okay, then. Go on, you two. Get some ice cream" he ushered them out , handing YiBo a bag of nappies and water that he kept packed all the time, and completely concealing the fact that he had tubs of ice cream in the freezer.

Xing was clapping and babbling incoherently.

At the door YiBo stopped and looked back at Zhan; hesitance was clear on his face. "Will you- will you come with us?"

How long had Zhan been waiting for a moment like this? When they would have a family outing, spend time with Xing as parents, spend time together as partners.........

At last it came but came too late.

"No, not tonight. This should be your bonding time. I don't want to spoil that," Zhan refused as politely as possible.

"Spoil?" YiBo repeated; it wasn't a question. Then gave a humourless chuckle that broke Zhan's heart a little more. "Okay. We won't be long."

"Have fun," Zhan tried to sound cheery but failed. YiBo did not look back either. Only Xing, blissfully oblivious to the adults' emotional mess, waved at his Papa, laughing.

XOXOXOX

Xing sat on his Daddy's lap like a good boy he was, staring out of the windows with wide eyes, babbling and mumbling and asking questions that he didn't particularly need an answer for.

Before getting out of the car, Xiu Ying handed YiBo a baseball cap; he had one as well. Even though it was late, you never knew who was lurking with a camera.

Xing tilted his head back to look at YiBo as he donned on the cap and pushed it down over his eyes to conceal the upper half of his face.

"Booh!" Xing said with wonder.

"What, Peanut?"

"Daddy booh!"

Not yet fluent in Xing, YiBo tried hard but still could not get it. "Booh what, baby?"

"Daddy booh! Booh!" And he covered his eyes with his hands and peeked out.

Having a vague idea of what his son might be saying, YiBo took off his cap.

"Daddy!" Xing exclaimed immediately, clapping.

YiBo put it on again and Xing said, "Booh!"

So, apparently 'booh' was peek-a-boo.

Amused and enamoured by his son's cuteness, YiBo repeated it few times, much to Xing's absolute delight, then got out and went to the small, non descriptive ice cream parlour.

Xing wanted to taste every flavour, which his Daddy narrowed down to three and the father-son duo sat down on a table in that otherwise empty store. Xiu Ying excused himself and waited outside with his cone, keeping a look out.

YiBo put Xing on the table, feeding him small spoonfuls. As he fed and wiped out the mess around Xing's pouty mouth, making baby talks, he had this intense urge of seeing a newborn Xing, holding him all bundled up, feeding him a bottle.

Along came the crushing realization that he would never ever have that. That chance was missed forever.

Was Xing really waiting for YiBo, as Zhan said? He was too small to do something so mature. But babies were way more perceptive than the adults gave them credits for. Then....were there moments when playing in a park, watching other kids with both of their parents, a need to have his other father fleeted through his mind? It might not be as defined as a need or want but maybe he did wonder where the man was whom he knew as Daddy.

Maybe there was an emptiness in Xing.

Maybe in between their emotional tug of war, the one who was hurting the most was Xing. This small life that looked at his parents as if they had hung the moon.

The toddler had a spoon in his hand. He scooped some ice cream in it and tried to shove the gloop to YiBo's mouth. "Daddy eat!"

YiBo nose felt itchy while his eyes burned. He dutifully licked the cream and wiped the mess off his son's fingers.

There was an emptiness in YiBo too.

"When you grow up," YiBo spoke while wiping the creams around Xing's mouth and cheeks, "you will probably hate me knowing what I've done to your Papa and to you; how my actions have affected your lives." He tried to take Xing's fingers out of his mouth, "And saying that I would have done things very differently would be meaningless at this point. But baby," he rested his hand on Xing's chest; the heart throbbing steadily under his palm, "I will be with you for every step you take, every mistake you make, every victory you achieve if you and your Papa allow me to. I have missed so much and don't want to miss anymore. Daddy is tired of losing everything, Xing. Daddy is tired of being alone. I'm so, so sorry that I wasn't there when you looked for me for the first time and I want to be there from now on till the last. I want to be there for everything, want to experience every change you go through, want to learn everything about you, want to hear every new word you learn. I want to be a part of your life, a part of yours and your Papa's world. I've lost so much time already. No more, no more." He had to bow his head to not let his son see the loss of control over his emotions he was experiencing at the moment.

"Sad Daddy?" Piped up a milky voice after a while.

YiBo looked up to see Xing trying hard to see YiBo's face that was still partially concealed with the cap.

"Daddy kwai?" Xing enquired with wide eyes; his favourite ice cream all forgotten.

"No, baby, Daddy isn't crying. Just a bit sad only."

Xing blinked at him thoughtfully. Then he leaned forward, arms stretched to hold onto YiBo's neck and clumsily put a smacker on his Daddy's cheek. "Booboo 'kay! Noh kwai! XingXing good!" Nodding he patted YiBo's cheek a few times and went back to his ice cream tub.

He was so much like Zhan that YiBo wanted to weep.

XOXOXOX

Zhan sat at the dining table, checking some of the designing assignments the interns did. He was having trouble to concentrate; the empty, silent house weighing down on him.

He hoped those two were having a good time. This outing was more for YiBo's benefit than for Xing's. He wanted the man to stop feeling guilty for something that was out of both of their hands. It was the situation and the amalgamation of every foolish decision they made that resulted into the pain they caused each other.

Soon after, the boys arrived.

"He fell asleep in the car," YiBo explained while handing over a sleeping Xing to Zhan.

"Saves me the trouble of wrestle him to sleep," Zhan joked and put a light kiss on Xing's head. "Was he a good boy?"

"The very best. He is the best kid ever," YiBo said with a pride that was exclusive to parental affection.

It warmed Zhan's heart. "Don't let him hear you."

YiBo offered a small smile, "Thanks for tonight. I'll be going, then."

But Zhan did not want him to go just yet. He could tell YiBo was still upset and he just could not let him go with a heavy heart. But his options were limited. Even the words he would say had to be carefully chosen.

"Be the father you want to be. Be the Dad Xing wants you to be," Zhan said, answering him for the question YiBo had asked him earlier about what he should do.

YiBo stared at him deep and long. In that shadowy night those eyes bringing back memories from another lifetime. Echoes of a love long lost.

"Only a father?" YiBo asked and Zhan's heart skipped several beats before starting again wildly.

His lips moved but nothing came out.

Waiting for a moment, YiBo bid him good night and disappeared into the dark, leaving behind a frozen Zhan, with his erratic heart.

Did YiBo....? That question along with that look..... Was Zhan misinterpreting? Projecting what was his own deepest desire? But that question......... If not only a father, then........

Something that included Zhan too? Connected him back to....to.....

As the night breeze rustled through his hair, Zhan held onto Xing tighter. Hope was something he could not afford.

They had been finished a long time ago. The thread had been broken. There was nothing left to hope for.

But what if............

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Is it starting already?🥺