Surprise surprise!😎 You didn't expect this, did ya?!😎

So....something happened. I practice what can be described as 'method writing' where in order to project the emotions my characters feel I try to feel them personally. But this time it backfired quite badly. I was trying to feel Zhan's detachment and ended up feeling detached with the story itself.😑 Shut up.😑 Don't laugh.😒 And I know what you lil pervs are thinking!🤨 To answer your immoral question, I watch horror and extreme action movies while writing smuts. Happy, weirdos?😣 Anyway, now I'm having problem with connecting to the story and taking things slow. So, the next few updates might be delayed for a couple of days from the scheduled time. Might.

Also, I think a reminder is needed that while this is indeed a fan fiction, this story is not about Zhan and YiBo met, fell in love, did some you know what, then ran into the sunset holding hands. The main focus of this story is mental health issues and how different people deal with it. How some gets treatment, some goes undetected. It's heavy. Every chapter takes lots of careful planning (more so now because I've come to know that this story is helping some people in their own personal lives). I need to face my own demons while writing Zhan's perspective, which in turn triggers me and I have to deal with the aftermath. And lastly, I'm almost obsessively picky about plot development. I can't rush things. So, if the pacing is making you impatient, you are in no way obligated to read it. I do not promote my stories. I don't even ask my friends to read them, let alone others. This will be a long winding road with many angst and ups and downs because for some people life really sucks. I do not write for popularity. I write for my compulsive need to do something creative and my life long hope of giving representation to those who are under represented in literature.💜

The questions you guys had about Zhan's shocking reaction hopefully will be answered in this chapter. Let me know how things go. Also if you guys have any question regarding the story or characters or about depression, feel free to ask. 🌼

Sorry I didn't reply to the comments on the previous chapter. I was taking a break from Wattpad. I look forward to hearing from all of you who usually comments. My lil ginger teabags!🌸💜🌸

Votes are little touch of love. Thanks to all of you who tapped on the star!🌻🌟

And damn all of you who have started to read it as GayGay!😣 I jinxed it.😣

Off ya go!

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Chapter-25

Zhan had never experienced anger like this before. He was not an angry person in general. The few bouts of hot-headedness he had, they were rare and quiet. He stored everything within and waited for them to die down on their own. And he was most definitely not a physically abusive person by any stretch of the word. But right at this moment all he could feel was white hot rage that consumed his rational faculties and an uncontrollable need to hurt.

His vision was going black with spots swarming in front of his eyes. He shook his hands in futile try to dislodge some of the mounting tension but nothing happened. He kept pacing the room in frantic steps, clenching unclenching his fists.

Everything was a lie? A sham of a marriage? Wasn't even his girlfriend, which meant the dating news was made up as well?

Two years....for more than two years Zhan had gone through hell. The excruciating pain that had become a part of his life, he had suffered from it for two years. Thinking that YiBo was lost to him forever, that there was no way back anymore, that he had lost the person he had wanted to keep the most. For two long years he had lived through such inexplicable sense of loss.

While logically he could not blame YiBo for something he had no idea of but what about after he came back? What about after they started talking civilly?

He still remembered the night of the wedding when he had cried himself to sleep, feeling like dying but still wishing the new couple only the best.

He still remembered the day after when Xuan had informed him that the wedding might have been cancelled and how wretched he had felt. How he had cursed himself for ruining YiBo's life, for botching up his chance to happiness. Ashamed and guilt ridden, shaken and scared, he had gone into panic attacks in the following days.

He still remembered how tense he felt every time Xing was demanding of his Daddy, fearing that YiBo's fiancée might object to this new inclusion and intrusion. How worthless he had felt as a father.

He remembered it all. Vividly.

And now, after all this sufferings, he was told that it was a lie? A scripted trickery?

YiBo must have seen through Zhan, must have known how he hopelessly pined after someone who was supposedly someone else's, and he must have laughed behind Zhan's back after making a fool of him.

Humiliation, helpless rage, confusion- all boiled inside him to a fever pitch.

Blindly grabbing something Zhan smashed it to the wall in front of him. Sound of glass hitting a hard surface, then falling down in pieces filled the room.

And with that as if the fire went out of Zhan. His knees weakened and he staggered back, somehow managing to turn the chair to fall onto it. He sat wrapping both arms around himself in a false sense of protection.

He had always planned to come back. Right after Xing was born, he had wanted to come back immediately but there were rumours flying everywhere of YiBo dating multiple people; a new one each week.

So, he held on, hoping once he had an identity of his own, YiBo would be more inclined to accept him. So, he held on and threw himself at establishing Yiling.

Once he had earned a name and the ground beneath his feet was stable he chanced again to come back, gathering up his courage, hoping for the pain to finally end, hoping for a family for Xing. Little did he know while he was readying himself to come back, YiBo was planning to permanently move on, with his engagement that stole the attention of every media for a week.

His fabricated engagement. A lie. A lie for which Zhan had broken down in front of his son, apologizing for robbing him the chance of having a family, begging for forgiveness to an inconsolable baby that went into fits from seeing his parent in so much distress.

And YiBo forgot to tell him about his fake marriage? Thought Zhan already knew?

The corner of his mind that was still capable of rational thinking told him that YiBo was not to be blamed. He couldn't have possibly known what was going on inside Zhan's head. But the pain, the pain, inside him morphed into anger that wanted to lash out and YiBo was the nearest target. And for once Zhan did not care whether he was wrong or right.

For once he wanted to stop thinking and give way to his erratic emotions.

If he knew, if only he knew, he could have come back sooner.

And that blurted out confession....What was that? That couldn't possibly be true. How could YiBo....after everything he was put through, how could he still love Zhan? That must have been a desperate try to damage control.

However, YiBo was not someone to profess his love only to placate the situation.... Then again, the YiBo he knew would have never agreed to a contractual marriage.

Zhan did not know what was the reality and what wasn't anymore. Hiding behind his hands he wanted to weep from frustration.

But Xing would be home soon and he needed to clean up.

He got up, took a broom and a dustpan and began to carefully clear out the glass shards, although he had to stop and take calming breaths several times in between.

XOXOXOX

YiBo felt dumbfounded.

Seeing Zhan angry was an unusual sight to begin with but seeing Zhan seething and resorting to physically manifesting that anger? That was the first time and it had left YiBo shaken.

He was in the wrong, again but this time he honestly wasn't conscious about it. This marriage episode with Vanessa was never something he was emotionally involved in and after that wedding day his life had been thrown into such a rollercoaster ride that it never even occurred to him to have a heart to heart talk with Zhan about this. They weren't on such terms till that day either. And when he tried to tell Zhan about Vanessa that day he was stopped. After that YiBo barely could remember dates or month, let alone a fake engagement.

But he could understand how Zhan must have been feeling. While YiBo was going spare trying to win Zhan back, the man was thinking YiBo was going to marry someone else soon. No wonder every effort he had made so far was ineffective.

Though, that was not his concern anymore. The fear that gripped his heart with its freezing fingers was Zhan's reaction after his confession. YiBo never planned on professing his love till the ice completely melted between them but in desperation to make Zhan believe how sincere he was in his feelings those words had just spilled out of him. But Zhan did not believe.

Even after hearing those words Zhan had kicked him out and warned him to stay away.

It scared YiBo. It scared him that Zhan might leave again. Maybe not in person this time but he might not want to do anything with YiBo anymore. If that happened YiBo did not know what he would do. Zhan had everything now. Without his love YiBo had nothing to offer him anymore. What would he do if his love was not enough? If Zhan really decided to be done with him for good this time?

Now YiBo knew how it felt to be doubted at even though he was telling the truth. Thumping at his badly aching head he tried to calm himself. Nothing good would come out if he panicked and made things worse. He needed to keep in mind Zhan's condition and that his problems get worse under pressure. So, even though all YiBo wanted was to drive down to Zhan's house and clear the misunderstanding, he would do as was told and stay away for a couple of days, giving Zhan the space he needed.

Only.....it was easier said than done.

XOXOXOX

Zhan had taken a walk, aimlessly strolling in the less travelled streets, trying to settle the storm inside, stabilizing himself enough to be safe around Xing.

The more he walked the more ridiculous he felt. Why was he reacting this way? Nothing would change. Yes, if he knew he would have come back earlier, both Xing and YiBo would have been able to have each other from the beginning but that did not happen and no use in crying over spilt milk.

And he and YiBo? They were over three years ago. He still loved the man and even if, for the sake of argument he considered that confession as genuine, it still did not solve the issues they had before. If they were having fights now he did not even want to imagine how things would be if they ever got together.

Besides, after today's happenings Zhan felt a sort of detachment that he had never felt before. It was neither anger nor bitterness nor was it sadness but a tasteless, colourless, shapeless feeling of alienation. As if the man that was running after something he could not achieve was someone else, not him. As if once the sought after dreams were in his reach, he did not want them anymore.

This was a feeling he was not familiar with. There was never a time when he did not want YiBo, then why now? Why now when the man himself had said that he might still love him?

A shiver ran down Zhan's body at the reminder of those words. It was a lifetime ago he had heard those words spoken to him, in all sorts of manner.

Three small words that held the enormity of the universe.

Walking down the memory lane it took another hour or so for Zhan to finally return home.

He had already texted MeiLi, requesting her to stay the night. After the day he had just had, he did not want to risk anything with Xing. What if he had a sudden meltdown? A panic attack? There was no way he would let himself be alone with Xing tonight. To make it even safer, Zhan had informed Xuan too, in case any emergency occurred.

This was his life now. Protecting his own child from himself.

Sighing tiredly, Zhan walked inside and not immediately being assaulted by Xing's high pitched, enthusiastic welcome, he tiptoed to the playroom.

Xing was sitting on his nanny's lap, a big pictorial book was held open in front and Xing was fingering all over the page.

"Nossssssss!" Xing said, fingering at something, scrunching up his own nose as if to emphasize. "Noss!" He repeated.

"That's right, nose! And this?"

"Te- teetee. Teetee!" Being able to identify it Xing craned his neck to look at MeiLi, face breaking into an innocent happy smile, "Teetee!"

"Teeth."

"....Tee-it?"

"Yes! Teeth! Now tell me, what is this one?"

"...................XingXing good!"

"Yes, XingXing is very good. What is this?"

Xing stared at the place where MeiLi was pointing and squirmed. It was clear that he couldn't remember the name. Thumping the book a few times he looked at his Nanny and said in a very convincing tone, "XingXing good."

MeiLi chuckled, "You can't get away with being extra cute every time you forget something. It's head. Head. What is it?"

"...................Ed."

"Show me where it is?"

Xing immediately put both of his hands on the top of his head, "Ed."

"Very good! Now tell me what is this one."

As the lesson went on Zhan looked on without being noticed, cataloguing Xing's changing expressions, realizing, for the umpteenth time, just how similar Xing and YiBo were.

With the thought of his ex esurfacing a sense of dread and reluctance filled his insides, which in turn disturbed him to the core. What was happening to him? Was this another kind of symptom?

Worried and eager to make it go away as soon as possible Zhan decided a visit to his therapist might be in order and soon. But he could not dwell on it anymore as he was finally spotted by his son who bounded up to him, demanding to be picked up and the endless babbling started, distracting Zhan temporarily.

XOXOXOX

I'm sorry. I really did not do it consciously. –WY

And I'm sorry for texting. –WY

Not that I'm sorry for apologizing. Just that you asked me not to contact you. –WY

Will you please let me explain at least? -WY

I'm sorry. –WY

I hope you're all right. –WY

Don't leave, please. –WY

Zhan read each of the texts. He knew he should be feeling the exasperated fondness that he usually associated with YiBo. He should.....but he didn't. He could feel that familiar feeling floating somewhere in his mind but could not connect with it. He did not answer any of them.

The last text........it made him inexplicably sad.

XOXOXOX

"Now, Zhan, think carefully and tell me what is troubling you more, the anger that you think as irrational or the detachment you are currently experiencing?" His therapist asked in that soothing, non judgemental tone of her.

A heavy frown marring his forehead Zhan replied, "Detachment. It's the detachment that's been bothering me the most. I can understand the anger however irrational it is but this? I have never felt like this before where YiBo was concerned."

"And why do you think it's happening this time?"

"I don't know! That's why I'm here today," he snapped at her then flushed with embarrassment immediately. "I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I know you're trying to help," he apologized.

"That's all right. You're agitated and it's expected," she was understanding as ever, "However, I'd like to make some suggestion, if you don't mind."

"Of course, please do. I really need your help."

She smiled with a nod then wentstraight to the point. "I think the possible reason of this sense of detachment is your psyche having trouble to process the information that you received regarding the marriage. You have trained your mind so thoroughly about the impossibility of having YiBo back into your life again that when the actual truth contradicted with what you knew as truth, your mind simply refused to accept it. You have internalized your loss of love, thus when he confessed his feelings, your consciousness did not believe in it. But there is another part in you that knows YiBo would not lie about such a thing. So, in the middle of such contradiction, your mind is trying to withdraw. It is isolating itself from the situation in order to safeguard, building a wall around you." She paused to give him a few seconds to let the words on, then continued on. "You see, Zhan, the human mind is a very interesting thing. We think it controls us but in actuality it acts exactly the way we programme it. Sometimes consciously and at other times it's our situations that set the programming but the point is, our mind tells us what we store in our sub -consciousness.

"You have programmed your mind into thinking that no matter what the situation is you will always be on the losing side where your heart is involved. You've convinced yourself that you're undeserving. No, I do not mean that you are making everything up in your head and blowing things out of proportion. It's the experiences you have had, the pain you've suffered through have moulded your thought process. Your sense of loss is so deep rooted that when you are given hope, shown that there might still be a chance of fulfilling the dream you've always dreamt, you don't know how to receive it, how to take it in. Therefore, your mind is rejecting it as something unwanted because it has no prior experience or data set to handle such situation."

Zhan sat in absolute silence for a long moment. Analyzing, refuting then reluctantly agreeing to the words he had just been told. "Then.........what should I do now? How should I act?"

"My advice would be, to be patient and to be receptive. While forcing yourself to do something is completely off the chart, you will need to give the other person the chance to talk and clarify, and while he does you need to keep an open mind. Your head will probably constantly try to stop you from accepting anything or probe you to doubt everything but you have to keep on trying to associate yourself to the situation if only you want this sudden detachment to dissipate."

"I want it to go away. I don't like it. It's unfair to him," Zhan mumbled guiltily.

His therapist looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. "This is truly admirable that you're still considering Mr. Wang's interests in this situation and indicative that you've already started to work on the current issue, but Zhan you need to realize that it is unfair to yourself just as much. It is unfair because it is hindering you from going towards a possibly positive direction. It is blocking you from having hopes. This needs to go away not only for Mr. Wang's wellbeing but for yours also. There is no shame in caring for your own self, putting yourself first. It would not make you a selfish person if you focus on your own feelings rather than suppressing them in fear of an unknown future. Unless you let the light in, you will never know whether it is blinding or illuminating."

Zhan knew the words held truth. If he followed them they might even help him pass through this crisis unscathed. But......."I'm scared... Scared of hoping," he whispered.

"I know and it's okay to be scared and vulnerable. But we must never forget that without hope there is no living."

XOXOXOX

Keeping in mind the words his therapist had advised and how he should try to make an effort, Zhan agreed when YiBo wanted to meet.

Now they sat in the small enclosed garden Zhan had inside the house. He gazed at the flower pots while YiBo gazed at him.

"I know, I do, what it must look like to you, that I have concealed the truth on purpose and you probably won't believe me but I honestly did not do it deliberately," YiBo said pleadingly.

Zhan was uneasy to begin with; now the guilt was added to the mix. He did not want YiBo to feel he had committed some sort of crime because he didn't. "I don't think that. You don't have to apologize."

"But you were hurt because of it. Still are and that calls for an apology."

Zhan shifted in his seat. "I'm not hurt. I just.... was startled, that's all." He knew how lame he sounded but what else he could say?

YiBo was quiet for a while. "Will you let me explain?"

"Sure," Zhan replied looking at his own feet.

But YiBo did not start immediately and kept looking at Zhan's side profile, who in turn concentrated more and more on his big toes. Then he heard a sign coming from YiBo.

"I met Vanessa for the first time while filming a music video. At that time the media were coming up with a new rumour about my dating every single day. They were linking me up with anyone they could think of. Things got to the point where I couldn't even greet a colleague without turning it into another rumour. Things got particularly bad when a rookie co star of a drama I was filming at that time started to fuel these rumours for instant publicity. They were subtle enough for me not being able to accuse her outright but people saw what they wanted to see."

Zhan vaguely remembered some of these rumours. There was indeed something about a 'budding romance' with his co-star, as the media termed it. However, he did not comment on it.

"On the other hand," YiBo went on, "Vanessa had a whirlwind affair with a politician's wife-"

Zhan's head snapped towards YiBo, making eye contact for the first time. What?

"Vanessa is..." he couldn't say it, not wanting to assume anything.

"A lesbian," YiBo nodded at his unuttered question, "That was the whole point of us planning this affair. A lesbian woman and a gay guy teaming up was benefitting for both of us. No chance of any unwanted attachment or hassle. That was also another reason that I thought you knew because......because who knows better than you do how gay I am?" He chuckled lightly, "Anyway, she was in a pickle because...well, it was a politician's wife, so you can imagine and I wanted the rumours to stop. So, when she proposed a plan of us being each other's beard, I agreed to it. But things didn't work out the way we expected. Even after we officially confirmed our dating status, that rookie acted as though I was two timing. It was damaging my reputation, to say the least. And Vanessa's position was just as bad, pissed powerful people and all. Hence, we hatched a plan of getting into a contractual marriage. At first we decided to get engaged and see if that improved the situation. It didn't and we arranged the wedding. But Ge, you need to know that this all happened only last year. I thought you weren't coming back anymore. I didn't know....If I knew..if-"

"You didn't do anything wrong. Stop apologizing. We were over long ago."

This time YiBo did not meet his eyes. "On the wedding day when I saw you......I didn't know Xing, I didn't know what was happening, I couldn't think of anything but one thing became very clear at that moment...."

When he did not continue, Zhan prodded him, "What thing?"

"That it wasn't over for me."

Zhan's heart gave a loud thud before beating at a rapid pace; he shrunk back physically. Uncertain and uncomfortable, he didn't know how to react to that. Fortunately, YiBo spared him by keep talking.

"Even though I knew nothing about Xing, nothing about why and how did you come back, about where you were all this time or anything about your current life, I couldn't go through with the ceremony. I broke my contract and promise to Vanessa and told her that...that I could not do it anymore. All it took was one glimpse of your face and I was back at seventeen again.

"But in those initial days, we didn't have one single civil conversation. I was angry and didn't give you any chance. And it wasn't a time to talk about my fake marriage either." He looked at Zhan, clearly hoping for him to believe him. Zhan gave a quick nod without looking at him. "Then the day we talked, when you told me about..you know..I really, honestly wanted to tell you everything when I realized that you still thought this thing with Vanessa was real. But you stopped me and by the time you finished I had long forgotten about it. I know how absurd it will sound and you won't probably believe it but for some reason I thought you knew the truth. Absurd, I know but after that day my head has been really messed up, Ge. I really didn't mean to hurt you or keep you in the dark. I'm sorry, I really am. Please, don't be mad at me."

Zhan wanted him to just stop. YiBo apologizing for something he had no control over did not sit well with him.

"I'm really sorry for what you've had to go through and I should be the one apologizing for the embarrassing way I reacted the other day. You don't have to tell me anything. I am in no position demanding to know about your private life. So, please, don't feel responsible-" But Zhan's speech was cut short.

"Why?" YiBo asked, genuine surprise was written all over his face, "Why aren't you in a position to ask about my life? What do you mean?"

Just when Zhan thought things could not get any more awkward, this question was dropped. Now how on earth would he answer this without hurting the other person?

Chewing his lip he said, "YiBo, let's not bring that up again. We both know why."

"No, I don't. I don't know why you can't demand to know about my life. Are you saying that even after knowing the whole truth you won't take me back?"

Despite himself, Zhan's jaw gaped open. His brain would get whiplash at the rate the situation was escalating. "Take you back? What do you mean? Wh- how did you come up with that?" When YiBo just stared at him expectantly, he said, "We're not together anymore, YiBo. Our lives have gone their own separate ways a long time ago. The only reason we are even having this conversation is only because of Xing. We're not together anymore!"

"We can be."

"No we can't! Things don't work that way."

YiBo was looking at him strangely and it made Zhan more uncomfortable with each passing minute. He did not know how to handle the situation. He did not want to hurt ofr offend YiBo but getting back together while so many issues remained unresolved, while Zhan's own emotional baggage was crushingly heavy was out of the question. And none of them were the same to resume the relationship where they left it.

"But you said you never stopped loving me."

It was as if a bucket of cold water had been dumped on his head, Zhan reeled from the impact. When did he say something like that?! When the hell did he confess? His palms and feet going numb and cold he stammered a denial, "I- I never said that!"

"Yes, you did. That day at my house when you had an attack. When I asked you. You said that-"

"No, I didn't!" Zhan hastily interjected, "I mean- I....wasn't in my right mind. I don't even remember what I did or said. I must have babbled nonsensically."

"You're saying this because you're still mad at me, aren't you?" YiBo stated and Zhan's head ached from the mess this situation had become.

Who knew all along he was the culprit? The main instigator? No wonder YiBo thought they were getting back together.

"No, I am not angry at you. I think you, too, will agree with me once you-"

"Why? Why aren't you angry at me?"

The absurdity of the question caught Zhan so off guard that he couldn't keep the shock off his voice. "You want me to be angry at you?"

"Yes, because if you're angry with me it means you still care." There was a glazed over, strange look on YiBo's eyes, almost manic. But it cleared before Zhan could make a sense of it and giving his face a hard, quick rub, YiBo got up. "I should go now. I'll- I'll call and talk to Xing later." He gave a parting nod at Zhan's direction and headed out.

Before he could gather up his wits and called out, "YiBo!" the man was gone.

XOXOXOX

On his way back, YiBo's eyes glided over the passing sceneries, mind resolute, head quiet.

"Sometimes anger is the only way to realize the truth, no?" YiBo remarked without taking his eyes off outside.

On the driver's seat Xiu Ying looked at him in askance through the rear view, "Pardon, Sir?"

"Nothing."

Xiu Ying gave him another look before informing, "Sir, we'll be leaving this coming Friday and you have to finish up the voice over tomorrow and the day after. Want me to clear the schedules for the next two days after that? So that you can spend some time at Mr. Xiao's place before leaving."

YiBo shook his head, "No, that's all right. I need to spend some time with myself." Then he met his assistant's eye through the mirror, "But thanks anyway, Xiu Ying, for always making things easier for me. Things might get messy in the future, for that I apologize in advance."

He did not miss the startled and worried little glances his assistant kept shooting in his way after that.

He did not know what was happening with Zhan or why was he being punished even without doing anything wrong consciously but he could feel Zhan had started to drift away once again and this time YiBo would make sure to stop it in time, even if it meant risking his own life.

Without Zhan his life was meaningless anyway.

[][][][]

I woke up with a sore throat today.🙃 *Coffin dance music ensues*

Buy YiBo a straight jacket.🙃

As a bonus here's a tiiiiiiiny potato XingXing who would grow up to be a very good boy!🌟