Yo, update time!😎

It's 4:23am and I've just finished reading over the chapter. Deadbeat tired. It's another 8K+!! So, please, forgive any typos.😵

To EVERYONE that comments, I hope you know by now just how much I love you! I appreciate your efforts of taking the time to share your thoughts! (God, I sound so serious and formal.🤢 Well, I can barely keep my eyes open). Oh well, I guess if I can whip out thousands of words, ya can spare a few as well, freeloading teabags.😑

Waving at all those who have tapped the star in the last chapter! Because votes are the lil touches of love.👋💋

About the chapter? Hm. Hmmm. Hmmmmm.😎

Off ya go!

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Chapter-26

Managing a new launch, a toddler and the problems between him and YiBo, Zhan was on the verge of losing his mind. He needed to deal with all but couldn't focus on either. And to make things worse, the guilt was back. He was mortified knowing that it was actually him that had sparked the hopes in YiBo.

During a panic attack or a meltdown all rational faculties were usually blocked and the insecurities and vulnerabilities were heightened up to the extreme. Things spoken at such times were often garbled gibberish, not much of sense but.........they were often the things the person believed whole heartedly.

Zhan honestly had no recollection of the things he said the day he had a meltdown at YiBo's place and now knowing what he had said made him want to dig a hole and die. The shock he felt when YiBo told him was abject. This was one of the reasons he wanted to be left alone when having such episodes. He would babble out all his secrets and they wouldn't even be lies.

Because what he said was nothing but the absolute truth. He never stopped loving YiBo. But what YiBo didn't seem to understand was that loving someone did not guarantee a healthy and peaceful relationship. The years they had spent together as a couple would vouch for that. While Zhan did want their family to be whole again, he knew things would go downhill once more if they did not resolve their issues before even considering a relationship. And they were nowhere near resolving them. In fact, there seemed to be a new problem every week now.

The current issue was, YiBo was not talking to him and he did not know how to approach him. YiBo called Xing regularly, multiple times if he had the time but there was no interaction between the adults. He only hoped this box, the one he was staring at right now, would act like an ice breaker.

It was a gift box that held the scarf Zhan had designed especially for YiBo.

The moment YiBo had asked, with those damned hopefully eyes, Zhan knew he would design him one because he was a sappy loser like that. But what happened in the past few days, he was not sure how it would look sending it.

Oh, hell with it. As if there was ever a question of him not sending it. Scoffing at his own self, Zhan wrapped it up with utmost care, thought of writing a note, then thought against it. He just hoped it melted the current stalemate between them.

Finishing up he requested Xuan to see it was delivered to YiBo and hoped, hoped, he could now concentrate to his work at hand.

XOXOXOX

YiBo received the gift the evening before he would be flying to Shanghai for his motorcycle racing championship. Swiping his hand tenderly over the elegantly wrapped box he knew this was personally prepared by Zhan himself.

"And you still want me to believe that we're over?" He smiled at the box ruefully then proceeded to unwrap the gift. He would not lie; he had doubts about Zhan actually sending him one when he asked for it, considering the things that happened afterwards. But once again Zhan's kindness won.

Was it just generosity, though? For politeness' sake? For making things easier for Xing? YiBo did not think so but there was a big difference between thinking and knowing. YiBo needed to know and if he was right, then Zhan Ge needed to know as well.

That was the only justification he had for what he was going to do. This was not a manipulation but a desperate measure. He did not know whether there would be light at the end of the tunnel but he had to try, risking everything. He had to know.

He had lost Zhan the first time due to his insecurities and fear. It was ironic how his fear of losing Zhan had ultimately pushed Zhan away. And what stabbed at his heart the most was that he did not make enough effort to search for him. If only he had not let his anger, his grief consume his mind and look for Zhan more actively, they would have still been together.

Now that he had found Zhan again, and his child, it would take no less than his own life to separate them again. He could not lose Zhan, could not live alone anymore. Those days of pain, hurt, confusion, self harm.......he couldn't go back to that. He was afraid of those days.

Pressing the fine, soft emerald silk scarf, inlaid with intricate pattern, to his nose he breathed long and deep, closing his eyes. It smelled like new, rich fabric but to his love sick mind it was as if he could sense Zhan weaving his care in between every thread.

"I'm sorry, Ge. You'd probably be very angry, disappointed even but I don't know what else to do, because letting you go again is not an option anymore. Now that I know you still love me, I have to try my hardest."

He wanted to see Zhan before leaving, or at least hear his voice but instead he sent a text, thanking him for the gift and left it at that. If things went according to his plan, he would have Zhan near him more in the future.

XOXOXOX

Xiu Ying knew something was up and it wasn't a good something. The first sign was when his Boss refused to meet Mr. Xiao and his son before leaving. But he didn't pay it much heed, thinking they must be having another lovers' spat. They reached the venue without any issue. The Championship was scheduled for tomorrow; today the participants were to get acquainted with the track and do some warm up and stuff like that.

Things were going well and good till, before hitting the track for some warm up laps, his Boss took him to the side, thanked him and said, "Whatever happens tomorrow, whatever the outcome is, it'll be for good. Don't panic, all right?"

Now, Xiu Ying might not be the sharpest tool in the shade but he was a damn good assistant and he usually knew how Wang YiBo rolled. That little pep talk was so bizarre and out of character that he instantly knew that this guy was cooking something suspicious.

"Boss, is everything all right? Are you feeling well?"

"Of course! Everything's fine. I'll be calling Xing after I finish tonight. Make sure the reception is good here," his Boss said and went away.

Xiu Ying knew a deflection when he heard one and this was it.

Now the problem at hand was he could not take any precaution if he didn't have a clue what was going on. Something was definitely going to happen tomorrow and considering the nature of this competition he feared for the worst. Having no idea what to do or whom to consult Xiu Ying opted the best option he could think of.

He called Xiao Zhan. However, the call was redirected to his manager, Mr. Wang HaoXuan, who told him that Mr. Xiao was unable to take the call as he was very busy at the moment.

"Oh, I see. Then will you, please, tell him to call me back as soon as possible? Not my Boss but to call me."

"Most certainly I will but Mr. Xiu, is there any problem regarding Mr. Wang? Is this an emergency?"

Xiu Ying hesitated. This wasn't an emergency, per say.......or was it? "I hope not but I....Mr. Wang, please, ask Mr. Xiao to call me as soon as he can. We are in Shanghai right now. The championship will start tomorrow."

"Championship?

"Yes, Boss is participating in the professional motorcycle racing this year."

"Oh....All right, I'll ask my employer to contact you the moment he is available. Anything else I should tell him?"

"No, that's all. Thanks, Mr. Wang."

"No problem."

Xiu Ying was torn. He knew he was going behind his Boss's back which would not bode well with the actor but on the other hand if he was up to no good, the only person that could persuade him not to do something stupid was Xiao Zhan and only him. He just wished Mr. Xiao would stop whatever it was.

XOXOXOX

Sensing something was not right Xuan did not wait for all the work to be finished and talked to Zhan as soon as the initial pressure was lessened.

"Mr. Wang's assistant called. He wants to talk to you as soon as possible," he informed Zhan while handing over his phone. To which Zhan looked surprised.

"He wants me to call him? Did he say what it's about? Is- is he all right?" Zhan asked as he unlocked his phone. Xiu Ying rarely called him and always on behalf of YiBo. It was unusual for him to ask him to call Xiu Ying personally.

"He didn't go into any details; just said they were in Shanghai for some bike racing championship and he wan-"

"Bike racing? What bike racing?"

For some reason unknown to Xuan, Zhan looked alarmed at the mention of racing. "I went to Weibo to check and apparently Mr. Wang is participating in a professional motorbike track race in Shang- Zhan? You okay? Zhan?"

Blood was drained from Zhan's face, making him look sickly pale. "Bike racing? He's going to race?"

"Uh, yes, that's what I found on...." he trailed off seeing Zhan already dialling up someone, probably YiBo's assistant. Xuan did not know what made Zhan look that unsettled all on a sudden and he decided to just watch from the side and guess.

"Hello, Xiu Ying, it's me..yes yes. No, you didn't. No, that's okay. Xiu Ying, what championship? What's going on?"

As Zhan talked, Xuan noticed, Zhan's eyes went rounder and disbelieving. He could not hear the other person and tried to connect the dots from Zhan's responses.

"Were is- No, I didn't even know! He didn't tell me anything! Yes and-....He said what???!.......What does it even-..... Where is he now?..............Can't you get him?.......I know, I understand but-...........but I need to talk to him.............Oh. No, I do, yes. Please, just- see if it can be done-...yes yes, I know..........No, don't wor-......" Zhan seemed to be struggling to stay calm. He took a breath and said slowly, "Xiu Ying, you have my word that you won't be in any sort of problem from your boss, I will make sure of it. So, please make him talk to me as soon as he is back. If he doesn't want to, call me from your phone and put him on the line. Do you understand? This is an emergency...........Yes. Okay, all right..........yeah.........And...thank you for telling me this, thank you. Yes, please, do. Okay, yeah."

Zhan sat down on the nearest available seat the moment the call ended, looking green. Xuan was by his side in a flash.

"What is it? Something happened?" He asked redundantly.

Zhan did not reply, just sat there with the same incredulous expression. It was plain how disturbed he was feeling. After a while he looked up at Xuan, who was still standing beside him, and said in a controlled, clipped voice, "Xuan, if I die make sure this criminal is arrested."

"Er...who?"

"This- this terrorist, this Satan incarnate," his teeth was clenched painfully tight, "the bane of my existence....He won't stop till I'm dead!"

This was funny, in a way, seeing Zhan reducing to name calling but Xuan couldn't laugh because underneath that anger he could see how scared Zhan looked. "What happened? What did Mr. Wang do now?" He asked gently.

Staring blankly for a moment the panic settled in on Zhan's feature, "He went to that racing, Xuan! He's going to ride that damned bike of his tomorrow! And- and Xiu Ying thinks he's going to do something stupid, something.... Oh!" Unable to go on he covered his face. Distress was spilling out of every pore of his body.

Realizing there was more to the story but not having any idea what it was, Xuan tried to soothe him, "Maybe it's nothing serious at all. Maybe Mr. Xiu misinterpreted something. I'm sure Mr. Wang is a responsible person-"

"I had almost lost him once in an accident, Xuan," Zhan said in a voice that sounded wet with emotions.

"What? When?" This was the first time Xuan was hearing about it. He took a chair and sat opposite.

"We were together for almost three years at that time. We had a date and he was running very late. When he called I was angry and told him not to come anymore but he begged me to stay and- and- and then I got a call from the hospital." Zhan bit down on his fist, trying to hold back the stress. "There was blood on his shirt, tubes on his body. He didn't wake up for two days, Xuan. He was hurrying back to me and-..... I was angry at him and almost lost him to death." He shook his head, eyes screwed shut. "Do you know what he said the last time we met? If I am angry with him it means I still care." He looked at Xuan with panicked eyes, "He's going to do something really really stupid tomorrow, something that will put him in danger and I don't know what to do!"

This was a right mess but right now Xuan needed Zhan to be stable. As selfish as it might sound, they could not afford Zhan to have an episode at the moment with the launch so close.

"I'm sure Mr. Wang would not do anything that will put you in distress. He is a responsible adult and-"

"That's the problem! Can't you see? That's exactly is the problem! I think he thinks I don't care enough to be distressed over this and in order to make me care he needs to harm himself!"

"Is he prone to self harm?"

"When angry, yes."

"I doubt he is angry now. Maybe-"

"Do you think if it was nothing his assistant would have called me behind his back to seek help?" Zhan said irritatingly.

And he had a point. Xuan had a thorough background check on Xiu Ying after his employer started involving with Zhan and Xing and he had to admit that that man was damn good in his job. And being in Xiu Ying's shoes himself he knew he would not have asked for help unless the situation really called for it.

"Can you contact him? M. Wang, I mean."

"He is practicing but I asked his assistant to call me the moment YiBo is free to take calls."

They sat in silence for the stretch of a moment; both lost in their own thoughts.

"What do I do, Xuan?"

Xuan hated to see Zhan so lost and scared. Their relationship went beyond the boundary of professionalism. He considered Zhan as his friend and loved Xing with all his heart. At the moment he really wanted to curse at Wang YiBo but that would not help the mater in the least.

"Tell him the truth. Tell him that putting himself in danger will not solve anything. I would suggest against antagonizing him. But I do think you should tell him how you actually feel. The more you two try to hide your emotions from each other, the messier things will get. Tell him the truth."

Zhan looked stricken, as if he thought Xuan did not know how Zhan actually felt about YiBo. Silly guy. It was clear as a day.

He took Zhan's hand and squeezed it once before letting go. "I know," he said in an understanding manner, "It's your heart and no one is allowed to judge whom you decide to give it."

Looking at him quietly, the turmoil behind Zhan's eyes seemed to settle down a bit. "Will he be okay?" He asked.

"He will, after you talk to him, he will be okay."

XOXOXOX

While Zhan's hands and feet felt cold, his ears seemed to release steam. Xuan had sat him down with some fabric catalogue to go through while he waited for Xiu Ying's call; they both knew it was only for the pretention because Zhan wasn't capable of focusing on anything other than the time ticking by.

He knew Xuan meant it when he said YiBo wouldn't do anything stupid but Xuan did not know YiBo the way Zhan did. Self harm was a part of YiBo's emotional release. Punching the wall, twisting fingers, biting the lips till they bled, yanking at his own hair- Zhan had witnessed them all in the initial stage of their relationship. But as the days went by those became scarce more and more. YiBo used to say it was because Zhan anchored him. But Zhan thought it had something to do with maturity.

But maybe it had everything to do with Zhan if YiBo thought of harming himself in order to be forgiven. This was twisted; also confirmed Zhan's long suspicion of YiBo having psychological issues of his own. However, nothing mattered now. The only thing that was important was to make sure YiBo was safe.

The waiting was reaching almost two hours when his phone finally rang and it was from YiBo, not from his assistant.

Zhan's fingers fumbled in his haste to receive it.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Zhan Ge? Xiu Ying said you called? What happened?"

And he sounded worried! The nerve of this man! Making everyone going nuts he was the one sounding worried?!

"Where are you?" Zhan asked as calmly as he could manage, which wasn't much.

"Er..in Shanghai, why? Something wrong? Is Xing all right?"

For a brief second Zhan thought of deceiving him so that he would come running but dismissed the idea immediately. A parent could not lie about their child's wellbeing. "What are you doing in Shanghai?"

"Oh, uh...it's...um," YiBo hedged, "It's a game show."

"Since when professional motorsport is called a game show?" Zhan asked through gritted teeth.

"..............You know?!" YiBo sounded peeved.

"Should I not?"

"No! Uh, no, nothing like that. It's just some event, nothing out of the ordinary. So, I thought you wouldn't be interested and...uh...and..."

"What are you planning to do, YiBo?" Tired of beating around the bush, Zhan asked point blank.

"Er....race?" YiBo answered uncertainly and Zhan counted one to ten quickly. This man could get on his nerves like nothing else.

"Does it hurt you to be serious for a fucking second?!" Zhan yelled out.

".....Ge?" YiBo's shock was predictable because Zhan never used profanities.

"Whatever you're planning to do, don't do it, please, don't." After that yell Zhan's anger dissipated into pleading.

"I don't plan on-"

"I know, YiBo, I know. I know you have planned something and I'm begging you to not do it. Please, please."

"...............How do you- wha-.......Xiu Ying?! That little bastard!"

"It's not about him! It's not about anyone-"

"What did he tell you? I am not gonna do anything bad! You're stressed now, aren't you? I'm gonna kill that-"

"YiBo!" When that one call stopped the other man momentarily, Zhan trudged along, "It doesn't matter who told me! What if he told me? Am I not supposed to know if something harms you? He told me because he cares for you! He was worried. Are we not supposed to worry for you?"

".......................You still care about me?"

That tentative question, as if he was surprised to know that Zhan still cared about him, as if he was afraid of the answer brought sudden tears to Zhan. What mess had he created for YiBo to think Zhan did not care? While all Zhan could do about YiBo was care and only that.

"Come home, YiBo," he said and if his voice wavered.....he was above caring.

"............You're my home, Ge."

A broken huff of breath left Zhan as he closed his eyes, "Come home."

After a spell of silence that was filled with heavy breathing, YiBo spoke first, ".......Do you-...does that- does that mean what I think I means?..............Are you saying that you will take me back? That- that you will- that we-......Ge?"

This was a defining moment of their relationship. This would decide the course of their lives from today onwards. And Zhan did not know how to say all that over a phone conversation while YiBo was miles away.

"If you do anything idiotic tomorrow I will never see your face, let alone talk to you!"

"I won't! I won't! I promise I won't! Ge, trust me, I won't do anything tomorrow. I promise! I'll come straight home after tomorrow, I promise!"

But Zhan wanted him home right at this moment. His heart would not rest till he could see YiBo. "Can't you- can't you pull out of this championship?"

"No, Ge, unfortunately, I can't do that without violating a tonnes of contracts. Pulling out of the championship itself wouldn't probably be much of an issue but there are many sponsors that signed me for this event. But I promise you that I would be very careful."

"Are you sincere about your promise?"

"I'd swear on anything you want me to."

"You don't have to. Just- just keep your promise."

"I will. This time I won't break a single promise I make to you."

"Thank you."

"So, don't worry, all right? Don't stress yourself. Don't put yourself under pressure, okay?"

"I won't. And don't blame Xiu Ying."

"Okay. Um...Zhan Ge....."

"Yes?"

"Will you wish me luck tomorrow?"

"....................I will."

"Thank you!" The smile in his voice seeped through the phone and warmed Zhan's thudding heart.

"Take care and be careful."

"You too."

"I'm hanging up, then."

"Okay...wait....you won't- you won't take back your words though, would you?"

"I won't. And please, be careful tomorrow, YiBo. Don't put me through that trauma again."

"You have my word."

".............Godnight."

"Goodnight."

Zhan did not hang up immediately but when it seemed that YiBo wasn't hanging up either, Zhan's face heated up and he cut the call instantly.

There was no turning back now. The detachment Zhan had been feeling lately evaporated the very moment he thought YiBo was in danger. The years of pain, confusion, the fall out, the distance- nothing mattered anymore. The thought that something might happen to him and Zhan might never see him again invalidated every plan, every equation. The future frightened him but it was nothing compared to the fear of never having YiBo in his life ever again. Before, he had naively thought that he would be able to move on once Xing and YiBo got along. And that might have been possible if the marriage with Vanessa happened. But after knowing the truth? After knowing that YiBo still..... There was no way Zhan could placate his heart now. He was blinded by his own grief and insecurities so much that he did not realize he was making the same mistakes he did three years ago. All three of their lives were too intertwined together to make any decision single handedly. Though they would definitely need to sort things out before making any definitive move but one thing was apparent...............Zhan would not be able to fool his heart anymore.

XOXOXOX

I'm going to hit the track now. Wish me luck. -WY

Wishing you all the luck. You will do great. Just be careful. -XZ

And remember your promise. -XZ

I will. -WY

And thus Zhan's anxiety hit the track as well. He had taken the day off or rather Xuan had barred him from coming to the office and took the work with him to Zhan's house instead. When offered Zhan had outright refused to watch the event but he kept giving Xuan sneaky glances, who was keeping the live updates of the race, trying to gauze the situation.

"Want to know how things are going?" Xuan asked without taking his eyes off from his laptop he was working on.

"Of course, not," Zhan denied immediately, handing Xing the crayons for his colouring book. "I'm sure everything is going well." He tried to sound casual and failed miserably.

"If you say so," Xuan was non challant.

Zhan's make believe indifference vanished like a puff of smoke. "Why? Did something happen? What happened?"

Xuan glanced at him pointedly and looked away shaking his head. "Things would have been so much better if you two just admitted your feelings to yourselves."

"It's not easy," Zhan said quietly.

"It isn't but it's easier than hiding them, that's for sure."

After that Zhan abandoned all pretence and openly began to panic. His heart was in his throat while his head tried to rationally negate every weird possibility of things going pear shaped. He was too scared to actually watch the race or even listen to the commentary and almost lost his nerve when for a moment Xuan stopped and his eyes widened.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

But Xuan stopped him with a hand and rapidly typed something on his laptop. Zhan neither had the courage nor the strength in his legs to go to him and see for himself what was his manager searching for. While he waited for the response, his head conjured up all kinds of scenario of YiBo coming to harm's way.

"Ah, no, it's someone else," Xuan muttered, more to himself than for Zhan's ears.

"What?"

"Hmm? Oh, shit, don't look like that! Mr. Wang is all right. It was some other biker. Skidded and toppled over. I missed the jersey number when he commented and had to check. It's all right, Zhan. Mr. Wang is all right."

Zhan hated that he had to be soothed like some terrified baby but he was honestly on the edge of losing it. "You're not hiding anything from me, are you?"

"I am not. You can check for yourself."

"No...I- no, that's okay. I'll...I'll just sit over here and...and check the files, yeah."

"Great! That would be of much help," Xuan, almost a professional in handling Zhan's anxiety, didn't miss a beat before going along with him.

It was another half or so hour that the tournament YiBo was in ended finally, during which Zhan almost bit his lips off his face.

"Zhan, I think you should see this," Xuan said and gestured at the laptop.

"What is it?" Zhan was still tentative even though the event ended with YiBo securing the second place. Considering his luck maybe the man would break his leg while climbing down the podium.

"Something that's meant for you, I think," Xuan smiled mysteriously and curiosity got the better of Zhan.

He went over and peeked to the screen and....

It was a short clip of YiBo unzipping his riding jacket and taking off something and holding it up, then bringing it down to touch his lips and finally grinning at the camera. It was an emerald scarf.

The sudden urge to cry that overcame Zhan was due to the excruciating stress he had experienced in these last few hours and nothing else. Nothing else, especially not because of the fact that YiBo kept that piece of cloth with him all this time.

Something that Zhan had woven with all his love and longing.

XOXOXOX

When Zhan opened his door to a seemingly uninjured, unharmed YiBo only then his fear abated completely. He had his trust issues where YiBo's hotheadedness was concerned.

Then he was greeted with a smile that made him realize just how long it had been since he had seen YiBo looking that happy. Too long, it had been too long.

"Come on in. How was your flight?" Zhan asked, trying to sound casual and welcoming at the same time. He had asked for this meet and the purpose was not just idle chitchat. However, he wanted to make YiBo as comfortable as possible before their talk.

"I'm fine. Ge, did you really mean what you said on the phone?" Blunt as ever YiBo did not dillydally before going straight to the point, face alight with happiness and hope.

Zhan hated, hated to cause that smile to diminish but they need to sort some things out before starting anything. "We need to have a talk before I can answer you."

Predictably that happiness slipped off YiBo's face slowly, replaced by a look of utter dismay and betrayal, as he took a step back. "No, oh no, no no no, not again. You can't do this to me. I won't listen. I won't. I won't play along. You called me here only to say it in my face, didn't you?"

This was expected, this reaction, hence Zhan was somewhat prepared. "No, I did not. I did not call you here to humiliate you. I'm-" he wetted his lip, "I'm not rejecting you but YiBo, don't you think we need to talk about some of the things if we want to give..uh..give this a chance?"

"Give what?"

Zhan flailed his right arm between them, "Th-this.....between us."

YiBo's agitated face went slack, like a startled fish. "Oh."

"Yeah- ahem- well," Zhan gulped, turned on his heels and rushed to the living area.

Considering the nature of today's talk, Zhan made YiBo sit on the sofa and sat himself beside him, despite the flush he felt rising up his neck towards his ears. YiBo, quite understandably, looked surprised and hope began to return to his face. Zhan prayed that YiBo would keep a positive approach during this conversation.

"What were you trying to do?" Zhan dove head first.

For a moment YiBo looked like a cat that had been caught with its head inside a fish bowl. "Nothing. I wasn't going to do anything."

Zhan sighed. "YiBo, don't evade any question, please and I promise I won't either. Okay?"

Looking guilty, YiBo looked down. "I thought if I punish myself you will forgive me. If- if I can make you angry I'll know that you still care."

"By harming yourself?"

YiBo shrugged without answering or looking up.

Zhan's eyes roamed over his downcast face, noting the deep dark circles under his eyes, the tired lines of his mouth, the defeated slouch of his shoulders and felt an intense grief.

"YiBo, look at me, please," he requested and when the other man looked up he said, "Do you really think if you are injured, are harmed anger was the emotion I would feel? Is that how you think of me?"

"No! No- I.... thought you didn't care anymore," he mumbled out.

Zhan had no idea this was how YiBo perceived him. How could he because nothing was further from the truth than this. "Okay, I see. I'm sorry if my behaviour has led you to believe this, even though this is not true. I do care about you. A lot." YiBo's eyes lightened up at that but Zhan did not stop there. "However, even if it were true, why would you do that to yourself for me? Why wouldn't you think of Xing? Have you thought how it would have affected him if suddenly his Dad stopped coming to see him because he endangered his life because of a plan?"

YiBo looked stricken. "I-...I didn't...."

"We are not two impulsive, inexperienced boys anymore. We are adults with years of experience and a child between us. We are parents now. Every decision we make now we must think of how it would affect that child. Or at least that's how I live my life now."

"I love him too! I love him with all my heart!"

"I know you do. I know and believe it, which is why I was shocked to know what you had planned to do. Because you clearly did not think of Xing at that moment."

Looking away and picking at his fingers, YiBo said, "No, I didn't. I was only thinking about you."

Despite the severity of the situation, despite the irrationality of it, a warmth engulfed Zhan momentarily before dissipating. "Were you, though? Were you really thinking of me? Because I really don't want to believe that you deliberately put me through the stress that was caused by your action."

"You were that much stressed? Did- did you have another attack?!"

Only because YiBo sounded genuinely worried that it convinced Zhan that he wasn't pretending. "Is that really so surprising to you? When we talked, I did not hide the fact that I am emotionally unstable. I cannot function under pressure. Stress triggers me very badly. You yourself have witnessed one such episode. Then how could you have not known what it would have done to me knowing you're putting yourself in danger?"

"Because I thought you had stopped caring," YiBo answered in a breathy whisper. "I believed it was my last resort. Tell me, Ge, how cornered one has to feel to take a chance of life in order to feel worthy? My back has hit the wall." YiBo's voice shook. "I'm the worst, I know that. I'm selfish, self centred, stubborn and thoughtless. You are right. I did not think of you. I only thought of how I could be accepted by you. But I can't apologize.........because given another chance, I will do the same again."

The words resonated with Zhan's own situation three years ago and his heart broke a little bit more knowing how YIBo must had been suffering in his own way all this time.

"YiBo..."

"But what can I do, Ge?" YiBo continued as if he hadn't heard anything, "What else can I do? I can't let you go but I can't come close either, you won't let me." There was sheen of tears in his eyes as he looked at Zhan before looking at his own hands. "You've told me that when you left you thought it wouldn't affect me much. But do you know that isn't even remotely true? You left and l was left in the tomb of our love. I was alone in the flat but everywhere I look I could see you. You were everywhere, all around me.......only you were not. You worried about my career but I only worried about keeping you close to me. Before meeting you I had so many different dreams and ideas about what I want to do in life. After meeting you there was only one thing I wanted to be- someone who was worthy of you, whom you could stay with forever. Every contract I signed, every job I took it was so that I could give you a life where you had everything you wanted. I thought if I was able to give you everything you wouldn't leave me. I worshipped you, I was obsessed with you, wanted you tie you to me, wanted to be the only one for you, only one you'd think of, you'd depend on, you'd love. I wanted to be in your dreams, in your every waking moment, the way you were in mine................" he paused, lost in memories, then suddenly looked at Zhan, "Ge, maybe I'm messed up in the head."

The wild, lost look in those eyes scared Zhan. He wanted to reach out, to tell him that he wasn't, to soothe him but knew that YiBo needed to empty his heart and mind. So, he sat in silence with an aching throat.

"I was so lost, in those initial days, I was so lost. Didn't know what just happened, where did you go, why did you go. Only that you weren't there anymore. One moment I could see you, touch you, hear your voice........then, you weren't there anymore. My Sun was gone and everything plunged into darkness. I know this all must sound fake to you now, some scripted lies because I was the one that drove you away, almost- almost killed you."

"No- No you didn't YiBo-"

"But I'm not lying, Ge. I'm not. It has always been you for me, always. Then you came back and I knew nothing had changed within me about the way I felt. I was angry, confused, oblivious, hurt but drawn towards you exactly the same way. I wanted to hate you, hurt you and have you at the same time. I was burning with rage, jealousy and the craving. You know, knowing that Xing was mine I was happier for the fact that you kept a part of me with you all this time, that a part of me had grown inside you. .............Do I disgust you?" Even though this was asked as a question, YiBo's expressions told Zhan that he believed it.

Zhan shook his head with definitive negation; he had lost the strength to utter anything.

"You have everything now, career, money, a family; there are people who are dedicated to you. You have even started dating. I have nothing to offer you anymore except for my love....but you don't want that either." Stray drops of tears had begun to fall down his cheeks. "The things I did they were all out of desperation, to make you look at my way. To get your attention. I was......." he wiped his chin with the back of his hand where the tears were pooling. "That night in my house, when you said you never stopped loving me..... I was elated!" He held Zhan's gaze for a quick second with a watery smile, "That was the happiest moment I've had in a very, very long time. And I- and I hoped. I hoped that maybe it wasn't over for us yet. Maybe you'd accept me back again. If you still love me then maybe you'd give me another chance. But you didn't. Every attempt I made was met with indifference and rejection. You see, I really didn't realize that you were not aware of my arrangement with Vanessa. I really didn't. I didn't deceive you on purpose. I'm a stubborn bastard but I love you!"

"I.....I trust you," Zhan could barely breathe but knew he had to let YiBo know this truth.

"Then why are you pushing me away? Why don't you want to give me a chance? If we both love each other then why can't we start over? Are my crimes so unredeemable? Will I go punished for the rest of my life and never be forgiven? I know you think my life went on uninterrupted after you left but I don't ever want to go back to that dark place again, don't want to revisit those days! Pain, so much pain and hurt and emptiness.....I don't want to- I don-" he couldn't finish as he broke into uncontrollable sobs, covering his eyes., shaking his head vigorously.

This was Zhan's personal hell. Watching YiBo cry and knowing he had caused the pain. Sitting there helplessly, Zhan's heart gave out. He wanted to reach out, to console him any way possible and suddenly realized that he could do that now! There was no obligation in between them other than their own conviction. So, he did just that. Firmly shaking off his hesitation, he reached out, held YiBo's nape and gently pulled his bowed head towards him. YiBo, probably not even aware of what was happening, complied by resting his forehead against Zhan's shoulder.

"I don't want to...I can- can't- can't, Ge. I'm sorry. Please, I don't want to go back. Please....please...."

"Shhh, it's okay, you won't have to go back," Zhan murmured, drawing soothing circles on the quivering back.

"If-if I push you want to leave, if I don't push you will leave anyway. What do I do?" YiBo was still crying. It was as if the dam of his emotions had finally collapsed. "I don't want to lose you ever again. I can't lose you. It's my fault. All my fault..."

There was a sharp pain crisscrossing Zhan's chest. He could almost hear his heart breaking into smithereens. If he wasn't certain before he was sure as hell now that he would not be able to push this man away again. And why would he? Wasn't it something he, too, had always wanted after their separation? A second chance to become a family?

"Don't leave. Please, don't leave me," YiBo's broken voice whimpered as Zhan's shoulder soaked through.

"I won't. I won't leave. Please, don't cry like this. I won' leave."

YiBo stilled within his hold then sprang up. With eyes red and swollen, nose running, he asked, "Really? You- are you saying that just to make me stop?"

Zhan shook his head.

YiBo stared at him deep and long, trying to find whatever he was looking for, "You promise?"

This was the moment of truth. Zhan knew if he promised and then backed away, it would ruin YiBo completely and him too, in the process. He had to be truthful, not only to YiBo but to his own self as well.

"I promise."

Blinking, when Yibo opened his mouth to say something Zhan did not give him the chance. He needed to put all the cards on the table right this moment.

"However," he started and YiBo's face fell immediately. Zhan hastily went on, "There are some things that need to be discussed if we really going to give this another go."

Zhan could pinpoint the moment when the words fully sank in as YiBo's eyes widened. "Yes! Yes, okay. Absolutely. We would discuss whatever you want to discuss."

Feeling nervous to the core, Zhan gave him a small smile, "Thank you. First of all, you need to know that it was not your fault that we fell apart, not entirely. We both made mistakes and we both paid for it. So, please, stop beating yourself for it, all right? It..." he stopped, not in the habit of exposing his heart to YiBo any longer, "It makes me sad."

YiBo's eyes softened and with small voice he said, "Okay."

Zhan went on, "Now that we have come clean about our feelings regarding each other, we need to face its downside as well. If one thing life has taught us in the hardest way possible it is that love alone is not enough to make a relationship successful."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that this time we cannot start anything without considering the consequences first. Cannot go with the flow. If it were just us two we might have been able to but now we have Xing to consider. He should be our first priority while starting anything new. We both bear the scars of our first separation; we cannot let our child bear the same too. My biggest fear is to put Xing into our emotional tug of war. He had never experienced what a whole family feels like. I don't want him to have a taste then lose it again."

"Why are you thinking so negatively? I promise I won't repeat the same mistakes. And no one can guarantee a flawless relationship at any point of time."

"Of course not and I am not saying that the problem will occur from your end. I am more than aware how much of a part I played in the things that happened in our past and that makes me afraid. My emotional baggage...I don't want to burden anyone with them and you have your anger issues-"

"But we're not the same from what we were before."

"No, we are not," Zhan agreed, "which is why we need to take things slow. Get to know the new us with patience. We cannot rush things and cannot be impatient. And-" This was the hardest part because he knew YiBo might misinterpret, "And we will have to prepare ourselves to quit early if things do not work out."

Just as he thought, YiBo's face went from eager to ashen. And then, he did something that Zhan never thought would be possible for someone with YiBo's personality. After frowning for a moment, he looked resolute, and with an affirmative nod, said, "All right. We will step down and I won't bother you ever again."

Even though not expecting it Zhan had hoped for YiBo's understanding but when he received it, when YiBo agreed to leave without any protest.....Zhan did not like it and immediately hated himself for not liking it because it spoke volumes of how hypocritical his own thoughts were.

"You never bothered me. I am sorry if I ever made you feel that way."

YiBo stared at him before looking down. He sniffed then smiled. "I'm happy."

At that moment, looking at that face, Zhan knew if such a time came it would be him that would not be able to let go, not YiBo.

"I should go now. I'm..I'm sorry for making such a mess," YiBo said, embarrassed, and started to get up but Zhan did not want him to. He did not want YiBo to be alone tonight, after the unusual emotional outburst he had earlier. He knew he probably should not, especially when they decided to start slow but the idea of YiBo alone with his erratic thoughts.....no, he could not risk that.

"Or- or you can stay the night. Xing will be disappointed if he can't meet you. I mean, of course you should go if you have pressing matters but I thought- I..." He trailed off lamely.

"No, I'd love to meet Xing! I missed Peanut so much. And staying over sounds perfect, that way I can spend time with him. I didn't want to eat take aways tonight anyway," YiBo readily agreed, expertly wiping the surprise off his face.

And none of them mentioned how there would have been no problem for YiBo to meet Xing and then go home.

XOXOXOX

"Daddy tay?!" Xing asked with wide, round eyes, looking back and forth between his parents.

"Yes, Daddy's going to stay the night," Zhan tried to flatten his son's wayward locks.

Xing shrieked and began to jump up and down like a spring.

"Easy easy, Peanut! You're going to sprain your ankles," YiBo laughed and picked him up, whirling him around. The room filled with high pitched giggles and Zhan's worried cautions for both of the excited boys.

When the bedtime rolled in Xing absolutely refused to leave YiBo's side, demanding to be slept with his Daddy.

"Daddy XingXing shweep, en," he declared, patting the guestroom bed where YiBo would spend the night.

"Daddy needs to sleep and you won't let him if you sleep here," Zhan tried to convince but in vain.

Xing blinked, chewing on his index finger, then turned away and flopped on the bed, "Noh."

"It won't be any trouble if he sleeps here," YiBo said while tickling Xing's tummy, making him roll around.

"He might wake up in the middle of the night, disturbing you."

"Won't be any loss. Anything for my baby boy! No? Noooooo?" The last part was meant for the said 'baby boy' who shrieked and yelled out, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Deep into the night, when the house fell silent and not a murmur could be heard from the guest room, Zhan tiptoed towards the room like a feline. He was worried if YiBo, not having any practice, rolled over Xing in his sleep.

Cracking the door ever so stealthily he stood in the doorway. The soft light of the nightstand illuminating the room here and there. On the bed, there were two identical starfish, on small and one big, sprawled on their stomachs, head turned on the left.

The warm affection spread through all over Zhan's body at the sight, reminding him of one such night not many months ago when, just like tonight, he had entered this room like a thief, stealing oblivious moments while YiBo slept, confessing to him of his love, lamenting for his loss over losing YiBo.

Tonight it was almost the same.....only, it wasn't. There was no guilty confession, no mourning. Tonight Xing had his Daddy, his Daddy had Xing and Zhan had them both under the same roof. Almost like a family.

Almost.

Maybe there would be a day when their family would be whole again. He was scared, oh so very scared, for all of them, but coming to this far and losing hope for the fear of unknown............Zhan would not let himself do that. Life had been generous enough to have given him a second chance and he would grab it with all his might.

The road ahead would be bumpy, maybe the efforts would be futile in the end........but he would not live with "what ifs" anymore.

If it was in his power, he would not let YiBo cry like that anymore ever again.

[][][][]

Soooo, how was it?👉👈

Can I climb down the tree now?🙃

I have total ZERO knowledge about any motorsport. I included it as a plot devise because of the Real Life YiBo's love and involvement with professional racing.

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