Heyo!😎

So, it's a filler chapter. Nothing much is here. Not only it's hard writing a well planned chapter within seven days after delivering a 8k long rollercoaster ride, also I am having a really bad week so far. I had two meltdowns. One full blown and one follow up, stayed awake nearly 30 hours at a stretch and then had a bi*** of a headache. So, yeah.

You know, while writing the above note I felt stupid for telling all this to you guys and almost deleted it. Almost but didn't. Because that would have been hypocritical as the entire point of this story is to normalize talking about psychological problems. To make ourselves open about these issues. To make others accustomed with listening to them. Hence, I didn't. Yes, I have massive issues. I'm extremely difficult and complicated, borderline bipolar. I sound like a smart-mouth  but I have breakdowns, moments of vulnerability, I binge eat, I starve myself and had been suicidal for a long time. And it does not make me any less than anyone else.

Your weakness does not make you any less of a person than the rest. You don't ever have to be ashamed of your vulnerabilities. If you think your mental or physical issues will make someone uncomfortable or look down upon you, either that person is not good for you or you don't understand them well. There will be very, very few people or even none who will listen to your problem or take things seriously but do not let that seal your lips. We are all broken dolls but our scars bear the evidence of our success, our survival. Our smile, however small, is the proof that we have won.💜

Be unabashedly yourself. Power to us!

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Chapter-27

The morning after was predictably awkward. Once they had decided to give this a go, Zhan now did not know how to act around YiBo, who on his part looked just as awkward. However, Zhan would leave for work soon and YiBo would go home and they wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.

As Zhan put the bread slices in the toaster and cut the fruits, YiBo and Xing kept whispering and babbling with their heads pressed together. Whenever together these two were inseparable. Zhan could have never imagined YiBo to be this patient. But look at him now, listening to the endless meaningless baby talks, answering the same question for the seventeenth time without a frown. Parenthood was truly a surprising revelation.

He set the plates and YiBo thanked him, briefly making eye contact. For some reason Zhan's cheeks felt warm at that. As a routine, Xing was making a fuss about eating, turning away every time Zhan put the spoon anywhere near his mouth.

"Xing, don't do that. Eat. Papa needs to leave and Aunt MeiLi will arrive soon."

"MehMeh?" Xing asked, momentarily stopping his wriggling but immediately turned his face away when Zhan took the chance to shove the spoonful of porridge in his mouth.

"Xing!"

"Daddy eat!" His son whined.

"Daddy is eating," Zhan replied and YiBo showed him his toast. "See?"

"Noh! Daddy eat!" And he pointed at his own bowl and Zhan finally understood.

"You want Daddy to feed you?"

Xing nodded so hard that his head flopped back and forth. Zhan gave YiBo a look before telling his son, "No, Daddy can't feed you. He has his own food to finish and go home. He doesn't have the entire day to run after you with this bowl. Now, eat."

Xing, being the master manipulator he was, made his lower lip tremble and looked at his Dad, "Daddy?" He asked in the meekest voice Zhan had ever heard from him.

Of course his Dad was too ready to comply. "I can feed him," he said helpingly.

Zhan shook his head, "You have no idea just how difficult it is to get him finish his food. You'll have to run after him the whole day. If I can make him eat it will help MeiLi a bit."

"I don't mind," YiBo said, "I mean, I don't have anything else to do today. So..uh..I was hoping I could spend the day with Peanut." To make matter more difficult for Zhan, he, then, added, "Please?"

Xing wanted to contribute as well and immediately chirped, "Pwease?"

Now, Zhan was a simple man; he did not have superpowers; he was not equipped with the ability of resisting the double attack of puppy eyes. But still he hesitated. He was the one who proposed taking things slow and had already asked YiBo to spend the night. But on the other hand after he left Xing would be alone with his nanny, so, if YiBo wanted to stay it would be good for both of them, right?

"If you're sure," he said uncertainly.

"I am. And I'll leave before you come back."

"No, that's not- I didn't meant it like that," Zhan wanted to say more but sighed. It was unrealistic to expect their miscommunication to go away overnight. "I meant that you can stay with Xing if you want to. You can spend time with your son whenever you want to."

At that YiBo looked relieved and gave a smile, "Thank you. You go on, finish your breakfast. I'll feed him the rest."

MeiLi arrived soon after and Zhan informed her that YiBo would spend the day with Xing. If he asked or needed to know anything about Xing, she should tell him.

Kissing his son's head he told him to be a good boy and shouldn't give Daddy a hard time and must listen to him.

"Kay." Was the answer he received.

He then said goodbye to MeiLi and nodded to YiBo and went out of the door. Their eyes lingered on each other for a second more than usual but none said anything else.

XOXOXOX

YiBo was happy. He was so happy that he did not know how to feel. When Zhan had asked him to stay the night he was surprised to say the least and knew that it was more for concern than anything else. But even so, after knowing that Zhan still cared...still loved, his every little gesture held deeper significance to YiBo now. Like, how the extra butter Zhan had put on his toast this morning, or how he had allowed YiBo to spend the entire day with Xing in his house.

Or how the faint whiff of Zhan's cologne YiBo had felt in the room after waking up.

YiBo was happy. He was so happy.

"Daddy? Daddy!"

The small, impatient voice pulled him out of his thoughts. They were sitting on the floor with colour books and crayons strewn all around them.

"Peanut?"

"Karal?" Xing asked holding up an orange crayon.

"It's colour," YiBo corrected taking the offered pencil.

"Karal," Xing nodded.

"Ka," YiBo pronounced slowly.

With eyes wide Xiing repeated after him, "Ka!"

"Lar."

"Lar!"

"Yes, colour!"

"Karal!"

Huffing YiBo blew a raspberry and head butted his son gently. Xing squealed and butted back, then immediately went back to colour a horse purple.

After trying and failing to convince the toddler that cows weren't pink and rhinos were never multicoloured, YiBo stretched on the carpet staring at his son's focussed face.

Babies were such wonderful creations; amazing amalgamation of unique genes but a separate individual at the same time. YiBo traced a light finger over the plump cheek of his son; a small tongue peeked out involuntarily.

How was Xing as a newborn? Was he all red and pale and screaming? How big was he? How tiny? How much did he weigh? When did he first start teething? Which tooth came out first?

"Peanut, show me your teeth?"

"En? Teetee?" Then he showed all his teeth, "Eeeeeeee."

No, YiBo couldn't guess which one was it.

When did he take his first step? What was the first word he spoke?

"Peanut, what was your first word?" He asked, not really expecting any reply.

Being interrupted again Xing frowned, looking very displease and shook his head, "Noh."

YiBo barked out a laugh at that, "I bet it was that word."

Confused at what made his Daddy laugh Xing stared with round, inquisitive eyes then broke into a smile of his own, "Heh."

It was irresistible. YiBo gathered him up into his arms and held him close. "You're so adorable. How come you're all your Papa and none of me?" He remarked while dropping butterfly kisses here and there on Xing. "But that's for the best, no? Papa is the best!"

Once Xing's mad giggles calmed down he held YiBo's face within his two tiny palms and patted the cheeks. "Lub Lub, Daddy. Daddy good," he sweetly said and bit on his cheek in an attempt to give a peck.

YiBo was a puddle of fluff on the floor.

He hugged his son tight to his chest and smelled that baby smell of his skin. "No, XingXing is good. XingXing is the best!" He said while bumping their noses together. They had the same snubby nose.

"Noh, Daddy good," Xing said decisively, pulling at YiBo's earlobes, nose tip, hair.

"Oh? So, Peanut's not good?"

Xing stopped his movements and stared, "En?"

"Peanut is not a good boy?"

"Mm?"

YiBo narrowed his eyes at him, "So, you're telling me XingXing is not good?"

"XingXing good!" He patted his own chest and nodded, "XingXing good."

"And Peanut isn't?"

"................Mm?"

"Who is Peanut?"

"Mm?"

"You don't know Peanut?"

"Mm?"

This little imp! "What does Daddy call you?"

"Daddy? Daddy..........." He looked very thoughtful for a moment, then cheered up, "PeePee!"

YiBo's jaw dropped open, "Peepee?! Daddy calls you Peepee? What?!"

By then Xing had realized he had done something great! Wriggled out of his father's lap he started to bounce on his feet, "PEEPEE PEEPEEEEEEE!"

"Oh God! Don't let your Papa hear you!" Despite his words YiBo was cackling in glee.

The more YiBo laughed it made Xing more excited, he shrieked in pure joy and yelled, "PAPA PEEPEE POOPOO!" And kept chanting it while clapping and jumping.

YiBo choked.

XOXOXOX

Zhan was scared. He was scared because he was happy.

Happiness anxiety. A condition where the fear of something bad would happen occurred whenever there was some reason to be happy about. Zhan was scared to be happy. Ever since this morning he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He wished he could have someone to tell him if he had taken the right decision. He knew Xuan and Talu would support him without question; Xuan would analyze in his mature way how good it was for Zhan and Xing and Talu....well, he would probably crack some dirty jokes but support him nonetheless. So, not them, he wanted someone neutral.

And then he realized that he, in fact, had that neutral person! His therapist.

"The uncertainty of the future or the fact that you took such a big decision, what is scaring you more?"

Zhan squinted his eyes against the wind; he was at the rooftop of the building. He didn't want to risk anyone overhearing this phone call. "The decision. I can't decide whether I did the right thing and it's stressing me out, which I can't afford at the moment."

"All right. Then I will suggest you to think about the alternative; what you would have decided if not this one? Think about that. And if the alternative feels safer and calms you, then I will ask you to reconsider your decision. If not, well, you'll have your answer then."

While Zhan thought, she held the line. Even if this was not pre-scheduled, she was kind enough to manage enough time for him. Zhan would have to ask Xuan to send her a gift from their new line.

Anyway, back to his thought. What would have been the alternative? Rejecting YiBo, refusing to give their relationship another chance. Watching YiBo move on with someone else, knowing that Zhan willingly had given up the right to stand beside him, to hold his hand. Knowing that he hadn't given Xing the chance to have a complete family.

There was no thinking about it. The alternative was not even a remote possibility. Which meant...

"I- I think I made the right decision."

"There you have it," she sounded happy and added, "You know the best what is and isn't good for you and your son, Zhan. I trust your judgement. You just have to trust yourself too, that's all."

If only it was that easy. But he did not say that aloud. Who knew better than his therapist how hard it was for Zhan? "It's just...it's a big decision for all of us."

"Yes, it is. Also..."

When she did not continue Zhan probed, "What is it?"

"You may think of this as intrusion on my part but as your therapist I must make sure of your wellbeing."

"I know. What is it?" He asked impatiently.

"Before you two plan on living together I suggest you to ask Mr. Wang to do a psychological evaluation. Have he had any counselling in recent years or ever?"

"None that I'm aware of."

"Then I insist on the matter. I do believe he has some unresolved issues of his own that should be addressed carefully and professionally."

This confirmed Zhan's own suspicion. "Do you think he has mental health issues?" He asked tentatively.

"We all do, in one way or another; the inevitable burden of life. That is nothing to be worried about. Psychological health is no different than physical health. However, without evaluating I cannot comment with certainty whether what he has is serious enough to be treated or not. But I do think you two need to know about each other's health issues before start cohabiting. That way both of you will have some semblance of preparation what you would be dealing with. And that is precisely the reason I will request you to have Mr. Wang talk to me about your condition if you resume your relationship with him."

Now, the last part was completely unexpected. Zhan was not prepared for it. "Why? Why does he need to talk to you about my issues?" His voice was alarmed.

"Because you all will be living as a family." She paused and then her voice turned even softer, "Zhan, as I mentioned, this is nothing to be worried about or be ashamed of. When a family member feels unwell or falls sick, do the other members not consult with the doctors or vice versa? It is the same here as well."

"I'm...I'm not sure about it."

"Understandably so. This is just a request which you are not obligated to follow through and if you do, it will happen only with your consent. And when you want it to happen. All right? There is no pressure at all."

But there was! Because Zhan knew she was right, that he needed to do it. But exposing his follies to that extent......what if it seemed too much to YiBo? What if he thought Zhan was not worth the trouble?

As soon as the thoughts came, Zhan shoved them out forcefully. No, if they wanted this relationship to work, they both needed to bare open themselves, all scars and wounds and ugliness.

"I understand. I will tell him when the time comes."

"Very well. Anything else you want to discuss?"

"No and I'm sorry for taking this long. I know how packed your schedule is."

"Oh no, don't worry about it. I have given you my number for times like this. Never hesitate to call whenever you think you need to."

"Thank you so much. Have a good day."

"You too. Bye."

He looked up at the afternoon sky. It was a clear, sunny sky with cottony clouds scattered everywhere. He heaved a deep sigh. How he wished to go back to the time when love was simple and relationships were not so complicated. When life was mundane and predictable.

Despite his fears he wanted things to work. Not only for Xing but for himself too. He wanted to have YiBo back in his life like before but at the same time knew that nothing would be the same as before. He must not expect that. They both were broken and maybe moving on separately would have been the wise and right choice.

But life was not always about right choices. Not always about going by the rulebook. Sometimes it was about choosing the less perfect option and work from there. Sometimes it was about taking two broken pieces and making something new. Maybe it would not be good or pretty or even whole but it would be their own. It would be flawed but it would be full.

Imperfectly perfect. Their own kind of wonderful.

Sometimes turning away was not the answer.

He opened the photo MeiLi had sent him a while ago. Xing and YiBo on the floor, head bowed together, building something with Legos.

His thumb swiped over the stilled figures.

His own kind of wonderful.

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If I delay updating next week, please, know that I'm having trouble with focusing.👉👈