😑Yes, I know I have missed the update last week without telling and I have a good explanation for it:

This chapter is 8K.😒 I have a pea-brain that needs more than 7 days to dish out an 8k chapter.😑

And look, you greedy potatoes, I have given myself enough triggers writing it.😒 So, be grateful and share your thoughts with me. And vote as well (if your potato fingers are still working).😒

Anyway, Happy Diwali!🤓💖 May the Light of your life always glow like YiBo's face glows looking at his Zhan Ge!😽🕯️

Off ya go, nutters!

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Chapter-34

"Thank you...all for coming today," It took Zhan almost two minutes to squeeze out those three words. The boost of courage he had felt from YiBo's presence earlier dissipated into nothingness the moment the conference room opened to him with its blinding camera flashes and din of murmurs.

People. Strangers. Eyes. Pairs and pairs of them. On him. All concentrated on him. Mapping his every move. Every inch of his existence was for them to stare at.

Rising fear, pooling sweat and an indomitable urge to fly were all he could feel. But there was no escape.

He felt a touch on his back and something kick started in him. Was he quiet for too long? Sitting frozen? For how long had he been lost inside his own head? Panicked that he had fucked up before anything even began and in the haste of making things right, Zhan blurted out the first thing that came upon his lips.

"I am Xiao Zhan, the owner of Yiling."

There was a pause in the room and inside his head when everything seemed to stop....and then the cameras went crazy. Shutter sounds, like hundreds of birds flapping their wings, filled the room; questions arose like waves.

Zhan looked at Xuan with wide eyed desperation. They had prepared a speech for his introduction. Xuan would open and Zhan would follow with the speech but in his panic Zhan had gone off the track.

"It's all right. Everything is going as they should be." Xuan slightly leaned towards him and murmured into his ear, "Go as you like. I'm right here beside you."

Trying to find confidence in those words, Zhan stiffened his back again and chanced a glance forward, only to quickly lower his eyes immediately.

Every single person in the room was looking back right at him. To be the centre of that level of attention was.....

"Mr. Xiao, are you the same Sean Xiao who was known to be the owner before?"

"Mr. Xiao, why did you hide for so long?"

"Mr. Xiao, why this anonymity? What prompted you to conceal yourself?"

"Is the company in financial crisis? Is that why you're revealing yourself?"

"Quiet down, please," Xuan commanded in that gentle yet no-nonsense voice of his. "I will request you to keep the silence for now. We will take your questions shortly but before that, Mr. Xiao Zhan has something else to say. Please, let him finish first."

The noise died down, giving Zhan the cue to speak.

His right leg hadn't stopped bouncing ever since he had sat down. He wanted to stop it physically; to clutch it with his hand, dig his nails deep, deeper, enough to draw blood, enough to anchor himself to this moment, enough to give him that adrenalin hike. He wanted to slide down his chair and hide under the table like Xing did sometimes. He wanted someone to rescue him, to shelter him, to free him from this fear. He wanted to weep.

He did none of that. Instead he linked his cold fingers together on the table and cleared his already parched, scratchy throat.

"Yes, I am the same person that goes with the name of Sean Xiao. I am, as the media moniker goes, the Yiling Patriarch. But...but I have an-an-" He had to pause to untangle his tongue, "I have another identity besides that." He stopped. Till now he had been talking with his eyes downcast, in the safety of that little deluded privacy. But the time was up now. Shutting his eyes tight for briefest of second, he looked up, straight to the cameras appointed by Xuan. "I am the other parent of Mr. Wang YiBo's son."

There was a collected gasp in the room.

Then the sound of murmurs came back with a vengeance. Some immediately whipped out their phones and started typing furiously, trying to be the first one to report this huge piece of information.

"Mr. Xiao? Could you please-"

"Mr. Xiao, why did-"

"Is this another-"

Xuan raised his hand to put a stop to the Pandemonium the room was quickly becoming.

"Please, maintain the order. The purpose of conducting this conference is so that we can have your questions answered in a civil way." When, after realizing their hollered out queries would not be entertained, the reporters brought a semblance of silence, Xuan nodded, "Thank you. Now, Mr. Xiao will take your questions. Yes, Please?" He pointed at a guy in the back.

"Thank you, Mr. Xuan. My question for Mr. Xiao is," He looked at Zhan, "Are you and Mr. Wang together currently?"

The mild question, the manner it was asked with, Zhan suspected it was one of the paid reporters and Xuan deliberately chose him as the opener. However, it did little to Zhan's nervousness.

He cleared his throat before slightly leaning towards the microphones, "We are in communication."

"But are you two in a relationship right now?"

"..............No, we are not."

The man was going to ask something else but Xuan had already given the next question to a lady in blue.

"Mr. Xiao, as you have stated you two are not in a relationship now, were you ever? Or your child is-"

"No question concerning the child will be answered," Xuan interrupted her immediately.

Without batting an eyes she changed her question, "Pardon. Let me rephrase. Were you two in a relationship before? And if so, then for how long?"

Zhan was staring at the jagged edges of his thumbs. "Yes, we...were. Before our son was born. For a long time."

The room was illuminated by the flashes once again. Impatient hands rose to be picked next.

This time it was a young man, fresh out of college. "Mr. Xiao, did you know that Mr. Wang was having an affair with Ms. Vanessa Huang and all those other affairs behind your back?"

"No, he did not do anything behind my back. We were not together anymore when he got engaged to Ms. Huang." Gone was the hesitation from his voice. "Mr. Wang did not cheat on me or anyone else, as you are trying to imply."

"Then did you trick him to have a child?" A voice chirped from the back. It was a cynical looking lean man.

The question was so unexpected that it startled Zhan to forget about his constant anxiety momentarily, to the extent of him not noticing how the room had gone eerily quiet, waiting for the answer.

"Excuse me but-" Xuan opened his mouth but Zhan's attention was not on anything else.

"Trick him?" He asked, staring at that man dumbly, "To have a child? I....I don't understand....why? What's the purpose?" His voice was as confused as his mind.

"Considering the age of the child and the time your company was established, isn't the purpose obvious? Maybe you needed the capital. Because it was quite surprising how quickly Yiling earned-"

"Enough!" Xuan's steely voice cut through. "As clearly stated before, no offensive question or comment will be entertained. Guards, please, escort the gentleman out of the premise."

"You can't do that, Mr. Xuan. You're violating freedom of press-"

"Now."

Immediately two guards materialized almost out of thin air and the man was moved out.

But the damage was done. Words once spoken could not be retracted. They inserted themselves in Zhan's head as he sat there, barely breathing, having flashbacks of the time.

Tricked him with a pregnancy?

"Don't dwell on it. Some shitty questions are bound to come. Now is not the time to think about it. We need to move on," Xuan's voice was quick, warm and effective. Now was really not the time.

Briefly closing his eyes, Zhan twisted his fingers to the point of spraining them. The pain helped him to focus.

"Mr. Xiao, as we know Mr. Wang Talu is the face of Yiling and owns a percentage of shares, how is your relationship with him?"

"We are childhood friends. He is my son's Godfather. He also helped me with the start up of this company."

"Sir, why did you keep your identity a secret for so long? Were you threatened by someone?"

Zhan knew very well whom they were hinting at. His jaw tightened in agitation. He must clear out this disgusting idea people seemed to have developed about YiBo. "No, it was all my own decision. I am not comfortable with public attention. I despise it."

"M. Xiao," This time a woman with a ponytail raised her hand and without waiting continued, "As we have known from Mr. Wang's own words, he had abandoned you while you were carrying his child. Why did he do that? We'd like to know your opinion on it."

Zhan 's insides flipped. This was the question. This was the reason for which he wanted to do this conference. The sole reason of his decision to reveal himself. This was the moment.

Xuan's light tap was on his elbow, signalling him to skip over the question, not to answer it, not to react. Zhan ignored him.

"He never abandoned me," Zhan's voice rang loud and clear.

"Zhan-" Xuan hissed but he ignored him again.

"I was the one who left."

"Zhan, we haven't discussed-"

"He didn't even know he was going to be a father. I.....I left as soon as I found out about- about the pregnancy." Zhan throat was swelling up. The courage was leaving him quicker than he would have anticipated. And the more it did, the more desperate he felt.

"Why did you do that? Was it a casual relationship? And if what Mr. Wang said was untrue, then how can we know what you're saying now is the truth? I don't mean it in an offensive way," she hastily added the last part looking at Xuan.

Why did he do that....

Opening his mouth, then, closing again, Zhan tried to compose his answer. Exposing one's vulnerability for the world to judge on was never an easy feat to achieve. "I was suffering from undetected psychological issues back then. My decision making skills were compromised. I found the pressure too much to bear and left without a word."

The room began to fill with soft chatters. Unlike before, they were hushed now, whispered, as if gossiping about something forbidden. When Zhan took a glance, the eyes were still trained on him but this time it felt like they were looking at some unknown, unpredictable creature. Zhan's eyelids drooped down in dejection. He knew what was coming.

"What kind of psychological issues? Were you subjected to abuse? Were you institutionalized?"

Zhan did not understand what was this obsession with painting YiBo as an abuser? Was it because of his quiet, aloof nature? The world was so accustomed with exaggerated display of love that the silent lovers were always misjudged. "No, never," Zhan leaned forward to put as much emphasis into his words, "Yi- Mr. Wang YiBo had always been the most generous, considerate and thoughtful partner. The decision of leaving, the concealment of the pregnancy from the other parent was on my own volition. No one forced me except for my own mind."

"So, you're claiming that Mr. Wang did not abandon his child?" Someone from the corner asked.

"There was no claiming. It is the absolute truth. One cannot abandon something one is not aware of existing. He was not aware of having a child till a few months ago."

Zhan could see Xuan's hand balling up to a fist under the table. He could sense his own heart thudding erratically inside his chest cavity. Everything was falling apart around him. Did YiBo felt the same kind of fear? He had way more to lose. That reminder brought back the fading resolve in him.

"Keeping a child from their parent just because you were feeling uncertain, don't you think it was really unfair to Mr. Wang?"

Before Zhan could even process the question, Xuan responded. "Without any prior knowledge to Mr. Xiao's ailments, accusing him of unfairness will be considered as defaming."

The reporter was about to say something else but that lady with the ponytail beat him to it. "What kind of ailments did Mr. Xiao suffer from at the time?"

Xuan turned to Zhan and they shared a look before Zhan replied, "Acute clinical depression, borderline bipolar disorder and severe anxiety disorder." He kept it as precise as possible. Partly because he did not want to go into details......and partly because talking about his dysfunctional mind for everyone to hear did not make his already frayed nerves any better.

"Excuse me, Sir," A man from the middle row spoke up, raising a hand, "But leaving your long term partner without any explanation and hiding his own child from him due to mood swings, how do you justify that?"

Based on his own experience, Zhan knew the society, at large, was still very ignorant about mental health problems but the issues to be brushed off as 'mood swings' was not something he had ever come across before.

Along with the astounding stupidity, the question also helped to rip open the guilt hell Zhan had inside him.

How would he justify leaving YiBo and taking away two years of his fatherhood? He did commit that crime. And not only that, even now, YiBo's life and career had been in disarray because of him. He always thought he was protecting the people around him but what good had he ever done? Only made things worse for everyone else. Was he doing the right thing now? What if he said something wrong and made the situation worse? What if he had already done the damage? After all, he didn't discuss about revealing his leaving or the purpose of it. And now YiBo and Xuan and Talu and Yiling and everyone he held dear would have to pay the price of his mistakes. Again. YiBo would be hurt. Again. He would be assaulted....insulted...hurt....

And just like that, Zhan's emotional stability disappeared.

"Mr. Xiao is not here to justify anything. He is here to tell the truth and truth requires no justification," Xuan was saying but the words did not get to Zhan. Mind still reeling from the question asked before, he whispered to the microphone, "It...wasn't mood swing......It wasn't."

"Zhan, you don't have to answer."

"Then could you, please, explain what it was? What did you suffer from?"

What did he suffer from? Would the years of pain be wrapped into few sentences? Tailor made for people who thought he left because of mood swings? "It's..." he swiped a nervous hand over his mouth, "It's when your mind does not function...uh...function the way it is supposed to be. When your rational faculties are compromised. When- when your negative thoughts and emotions are amplified." With each sentence he felt the pressure of those judging eyes weigh on him more and more, pushing him into that dark, scary recess of his mind.

His own vision began to waver, focus going in and out.

"If that's the case, is it safe to be around children with your condition? Are you not a danger to your own child, Mr. Xiao?"

Danger to his own child? He was putting his Xing at risk? He was cleared, medically; cleared by his doctors, declared safe to have Xing's responsibility.

But was it not his innermost fear too? Was it not the first question he himself had asked his doctors when his issues were detected? At every panic attack, he made sure Xing was away from him, safe and oblivious. He was a danger o his own child.

From the periphery of his tunnel vision Zhan saw two guards approaching the man that had asked the question. But before he could be escorted out, another question came flying from somewhere else.

"Does Mr. Wang share the custody of the child with you, Mr. Xiao? Or was he deprived of it as well? Will he demand it in future?"

"Sir, was it because of you that Mr. Wang and Ms. Vanessa's wedding was ruined?"

"Mr. Xiao, is this some kind of revenge plan for the troubles you have suffered?"

Zhan felt like a trapped animal, cornered and being poked at. He didn't know how to answer them, how to react.

"Mr. Xiao, as the owner, don't you think your actions will affect the fate of the company? The reputation will be put into question?"

"I- I...it wasn't- it-"

"We are concluding the conference here. No more questions, please," Xuan announced and placed his fingers around Zhan's elbow. "Come on. Don't answer them. We're done here."

"Excuse me but can you clarify your future plans? Should we expect you and Mr. Wang to have a public reconciliation?"

Zhan's eyes moved from one face to another, without registering anything, while fear began to cloud his consciousness.

"Zhan, get up. We've leaving, come on. I'm here. Come on."

He saw more than felt his limbs move. There was a warm pressure on his elbow, on his back. He tried to speak, to say something, to answer them, tell them that he wasn't dangerous, he wasn't ruining YiBo's life, but the consciousness was slipping by, rapidly. Ears rang, something clawed the side of his head as Xuan manhandled him.

Before the door of that noisy room closed behind their backs, Zhan heard someone yell, "Sir- Sir, is there a love triangle between you, Mr. Wang YiBo and Mr. Wang Talu? There are rumours-"

The good soundproofing of the walls cut the rest off and Zhan suddenly wanted to laugh; laugh till his lungs heart; laugh till he disappeared into nothingness; laugh till he became normal again, human again.

The vision in front of him swam and his world tilted, ground shifting underneath. But before he could fall, two strong arms snaked around his waist, catching him, holding him up.

"I'm here. You're not alone.....I'm here."

Penetrating the haze the only words that entered the part of his mind, that was still capable to processing meaning of the sounds, were "You're not alone."

"....Not alone...."

"No, you're not. I'm here. And you're safe. You're safe now."

"I'm....not alone..."

XOXOXOX

Zhan was a rag doll in his arms, all quiet and plaint but YiBo knew better than to mistake it for relaxation. Zhan was in shock and YiBo waited for the reactions to start.

They were sitting in that room where he met Zhan previously, with Zhan's head on his shoulder. The fingers that he held in his own hand were icy cold.

Zhan had done it. There would be setbacks, probably panic attacks too, but Zhan, his kind, brave Zhan Ge had gone out there, bared himself open and unveiled the truth.

All for to save YiBo.

He might not have been present in that room but he had watched every millisecond of what happened. And had detested his decision to be a public figure more than ever. He chose to be idolized by these people? He chose to make his art for these people? And now he was letting these people dictate the course of his life? People that tormented the man he loved.

YiBo hated these people and himself. There were moments when he wanted to barge inside the room and punch every bastard in the nose and would have done exactly that if not for the guards that that manager had appointed for him!

In his arms, Zhan stirred. A jerky, erratic movement. All YiBo's attention immediately went to him.

"Ge?"

It took several seconds for Zhan to react to that and when he did it was only an unfocused gaze at YiBo. "Is it over?"

"It is. It's over," YiBo readily replied, eager to give every bit of reassurance.

But Zhan did not react much other than uttering a detached, "Oh." Nor his face reflected anything else than the blankness.

Not letting the worry affect him, YiBo tried again, "You did it, Ge. You revealed the truth. You did it!"

"....................Oh."

Alarmed, YiBo wanted to say more, something, anything to break through this catatonic state Zhan was in but could not think of anything other than staring at that still face.

Things did not go quite as they had planned but then again, it was given that facing a bunch of vultures would have never brought any good outcome. Turned out, fashion or entertainment, everyone was far more interested in their personal affairs than they should be.

Xuan came after a few minutes. "The car's ready. We'll have to take quite a detour as reporters are swarming the place." He assessed Zhan with a frown then, addressed YiBo, "I'm guessing Mr. Wang is coming with us?"

"You guessed right."

Xuan's responding nod was appreciative. "Thank you. He will need you. And I have informed Mr. Xiu to pick up your bike later. Till then it will be in the company's private parking; it will be safe and out of the prying eyes."

YiBo waved a dismissive hand. It was Mark's bike anyway. When they didn't let him take the car and thought he couldn't be able to come, he simply took one of his employee's bike and rode off.

With another look at both of them, Xuan approached Zhan. "Zhan? Come on, we're going home now. Can you walk?"

Zhan stared at Xuan with exhausted eyes for a moment then lowered his gaze, "Okay."

YiBo and Xuan exchanged a quick concerned look between them before they both tried to help Zhan get up.

But Zhan refused. Pulling himself off YiBo's hold slowly he said, "I can walk myself." However, the words died down when his first step wobbled. YiBo was beside him within a blink. "Easy there. No rush."

"I can't even walk by myself," Zhan said flatly and something in that tone made the worry inside YiBo worse.

"Don't say that. You're just dizzy, that's all."

Once in the car, Zhan curled into himself to one side; when YiBo tried to wrap an arm around him, he physically shrunk back, making YiBo back away. It stung, not because Zhan rejected his comfort but because YiBo was not the one able to soothe him.

Xuan was in the passenger seat. Their eyes met over the rear-view and the man gave a little shake of his head, silently asking YiBo not to try again. Helplessly giving the curled figure another look, YiBo turned to look out the window.

YiBo couldn't tell when exactly it started, he was lost in thoughts, but at first it was restless stirrings. Then it grew into more. Sitting straight now Zhan shook his fingers as if to dislodge something from them; his legs had started to bounce inconsistently.

"What's wrong, Ge?"

Zhan did not answer immediately, instead tugged at his collar. "Why is it so hot here?"

"The AC is on. Let me fix it. Are you sweating?" Xuan asked.

Zhan kept tugging at his collar; he had already unbuttoned the top two buttons. "There's- there's no air...why's there- open the window....open the window!"

With growing sense of foreboding, YiBo watched as Zhan's eyes went wilder by every passing second.

"Open the windows! I can't- I can't breathe!"

"Shit, goddamnit. The windows are open, Zhan. Damnit."

Hearing Xuan curse under his breath along with Zhan looking like he was suffocating, YiBo's feet went cold, "What's happening? What's wrong with him?"

"He's having a panic attack. Zhan? Zhan, listening to my voice, you can breathe, all right? You can. See, there are open spaces all around you. It's airy. Now, listen to me and take a long, deep breath. Take in, one-two-tree, now out, three-two-one. Repeat. Take in, one-two-three...."

Squeezed shut eyes streaming down, Zhan's face was distorted with pain as he tried to follow through Xuan's counting.

Seeiing Zhan suffering like that, unable to ease his pain, YiBo's heart constricted. He moved closer to hold him in his arms again but was stopped.

Xuan shook his head quietly. "Any confinement will make him worse," he whispered the words.

Therefore, YiBo could only watch in helplessness as Zhan suffered. This was another kind of hell.

As soon as the car stopped in front of Zhan's house, Zhan shot out of the vehicle; YiBo jumped after him as well. But before they could enter, Zhan abruptly turned away from the door, almost slamming into YiBo.

"Don't- don't," he shook his head wildly, "Xing, don't let Xing see me like- Don't- please!" Those eyes filled up as he begged and this time YiBo could not stop himself. He tried to envelope the distressed man with his body.

"Don't worry, shhhh, it's all right. I'm here."

Beside them Xuan hurriedly said, "I'll go and keep Xing-"

But it was too late. The door opened and Xing came bounding down.

"PAPAAAAAAAA! PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAAAAA!"

Zhan stiffened for a moment before turning and holding YiBo back like his life depended on it. He was the taller one but right now his entire body tried to curl in, wanting to hide in YiBo by making himself smaller, as a string of, "No no no no, God, no, please, no," left his mouth.

Wrapping his arms around the trembling figure, YiBo turned away from their son, so that his back was facing the child and Xuan promptly picked Xing up.

"Papa? Daddy! DADDY!" Xing called out again and again, voice confused which quickly turned upset. "P-p-papa? Papa, Puh-puh!"

YiBo felt as if someone was splitting his soul into half. Behind him was his wailing son, not knowing why weren't his parents letting him come near them and in his arms was his Zhan Ge, who kept saying in a feverish daze, "Oh God, oh no, please, no, please, stop, please, please," as his tears soaked YiBo's shirt.

Even after Xing was taken inside and kept somewhere away from them securely, it took considerable amount of coaxing and reassuring to convince Zhan that Xing wasn't there to see him like this. And once inside the house and taken to his room upstairs, Zhan, for the lack of any other word to describe it, emotionally shut down. The transition from the shivering, clinging scared man to this frozen faced Zhan was so abrupt that it downright terrified YiBo. But apparently, this was something Xuan had experienced before.

"Zhan, you know we cannot leave you alone right now. We've been through this-"

"I'll be all right," Zhan said to the floor; voice inflectionless.

"What if you have another attack?"

"I can take care of myself. I'm not a cripple."

It was so odd to hear those anguished words in such a passive tone. It was worse, chillingly worse.

"Of course you can," Xuan immediately placated, "But what if you need us?"

When Zhan did not say anything and kept his eyes on the floor, Xuan conceded, "You can't lock the door, okay?"

Zhan nodded.

"And call me..us..the moment you need anything or feel it's not safe."

He nodded again.

Hesitating but running out of any other instruction, Xuan added, "You're safe here, Zhan. It's over now." And left after giving YiBo a meaningful stare.

It was only two of them now. Zhan inside the room, YIBo outside.

"Zhan Ge-"

"Can I be alone for a moment?"

"Yes, you- I just-"

"Please?" This time a desperate pleading seeped into Zhan's voice.

YiBo couldn't stop the tears that spilled from him without any notice. He wished Zhan would rather have a full blown panic attack rather than this stoic suffering. "Mmhm," he nodded, too choked up to voice anything immediately. He stepped back a few more steps and Zhan slowly began to close the door, not once looking up.

To YiBo it wasn't a door anymore; it felt like an impenetrable wall between them that he had no way of breaching; the distance between them suddenly greater than light years.

"Ge!" The unnamed fear that had been digging its claws into his heart pushed him to call out and for the first time, Zhan looked up. "I won't leave you. I will be right here. So, come back soon, all right?"

It might be YiBo's mind playing tricks but he thought he saw two new tear tracks making their way down on Zhan's face as he closed the door shut.

XOXOXOX

"That wasn't a panic attack, was it?" YiBo asked. After pacifying and restricting a very upset Xing, the two men now were sitting in Zhan's living room.

"Not the usual kind, no," Xuan replied, rubbing a tired hand all over his face.

"The usual kind?"

Xuan chuckled a little without any actual humour. "Not all panic attacks are what we see in the movies, Mr. Wang. Some are catatonic, some lean towards self inflicting pain. But I do think what Zhan is currently going through is not a panic attack but shock. He is going in and out. Probably having a meltdown as we speak." At that both of them shot an identical worried look upstairs.

"Shouldn't you call his therapist? He's...I think he needs someone to talk to."

"I have talked to her briefly. Zhan had a session with her just before the conference. After I informed her about the situation she told me to let Zhan vent out for the time being. She said he was having an emotional override and the best way to help him was to let it out. And I should give him a mild nerve relaxant tonight. But if it worsens meanwhile, she will make a house call, which she never does. But apparently, she cares for Zhan enough to make an exception."

For one cursed second irritation shot through YiBo; in the next he wanted to slap himself hard. What the hell was wrong with him? Being jealous of Zhan Ge's therapist? The person that helped Ge to stabilize his mind? He really was the worst. "That's really very generous of her."

After sitting quiet for a moment, Xuan spoke again. "Thank you, Mr. Wang, for staying with him today."

"I am insulted that you thought I'd do otherwise. There isn't anywhere else I'd rather be."

"No, I didn't mean that. I know what a huge risk you took by going there and by coming with us here today. What an impact it would have on your career if it is exposed."

"Why do all of you think I prioritize my career more than my family?" Because honestly! "Or is it because none of you consider me a part of this family?" Maybe it was the exhaustion; maybe the common problem had induced the feeling of camaraderie between them that made YiBo share his own frustration.

"Zhan does," Xuan said, staring right into YiBo, "Zhan thinks of you as his family."

Something inside YiBo's heart thumped loudly. Not that he was oblivious to Zhan's care towards him but these days, happiness scared him; whenever he began to hope, something in him told him not to. "He....does?" Looking down at his hands, he mumbled.

"He could have never managed to do what he did today if not for you," Xuan said in that calm, collected manner. "If not for the thought of protecting you, standing beside you, he would have never been able to expose all his vulnerabilities for the world to point fingers at."

"I didn't mean to put him at risk."

"He knows that. We all know that. What you did, M. Wang, to safeguard him, hasn't gone unnoticed or unappreciated. I have no problem admitting that my respect for you has gone up quite a few notches."

They fell into another spell of silence again.

"He sings sometime now," Xuan said without any preamble, reminiscing. "He never did that before, you know? He is a quiet person. Has always tried to remain invisible. And there was this inherent sadness in him before. Even when he smiled, he looked sad. But now, when he is happy, he looks....happy. He smiles more, hums a tune while working, is more responsive and proactive now....and all of that happened after you came into his life again. It's not a rocket science who caused that, Mr. Wang. You are good for him."

Even though his treacherous mind said these all might be just consoling words, he knew the man was telling the truth....because wasn't it the same for him as well?

YiBo was not accustomed with having a heart to heart with anyone, therefore, nothing came that he could respond with and before he could come up with something, Xuan got up.

"I really need to go back to work now. No, I won't leave the house but I need to go to the basement. I haven't checked how the situation is. Do you mind checking up on Zhan later? If he is asleep, let him sleep. If not, just call me. He needs to eat something in order to take the meds."

"That goes without saying. Don't worry. And, Mr. Wang?"

"Call me Xuan, please."

"Thank you for being there for Zhan Ge and Xing."

"Xing is family and by association, Zhan is too. So...no worries."

XOXOXOX

YiBo opened the door as silently as possible, afraid to even breathe. Xuan had checked on Zhan Ge a few times before to see if he was safe, whereas YiBo was advised not to come before.

Because he was a trigger.

Now that he had the chance, he couldn't make himself enter.

There was a human sized lump on the bed, curled into a tight ball. YiBo approached it as one would approach a volatile chemical reaction.

He was a trigger, after all.

The first thing he noticed was just how swollen Zhan's face had become. It looked alarming. His eyes were closed, breathing slow. Maybe he was sleeping.

YiBo hesitated. He knew he should let him sleep; after what had happened today, Zhan needed rest more than anything else.......but the urge to see him active, moving was greater. This swollen faced, catatonic Zhan scared him.

Dithering for more than a couple of minutes, YiBo placed a light hand on his forehead, "Ge?"

Those eyes slowly opened up. They stared for a moment in a blank, disoriented gaze before recognition flooded into him.

YiBo was half expecting him to recoil from the touch but after the initial startle, no such thing happened. Looking at him for a moment, Zhan tried to sit up but YiBo stopped him.

"No, please, lay down-"

But Zhan sat up anyway. Seemed like he pushed something under the pillow but YiBo's mind was too focussed on him to notice anything.

"How are you feeling?"

Zhan was sitting with his knees bunched up, head bowed. "Okay," he mumbled without looking up.

"Better than before?"

A short affirmative nod after a pause.

YiBo bit his lip. What else should he say? Suddenly none of the words he had in mind felt sufficient enough. A bottle of water was sitting on the bedside table. YiBo grabbed and offered it, "Here, drink some water. It's no good to be dehydrated."

Zhan took it obediently but just sat holding it.

Silent, awkward moments rolled on between them.

A thought occurred. "Would you like to take a bath, Ge? You'll feel better." Because before, when they were still together, whenever YiBo was upset, that's what Zhan did. Ran him a warm, bubble bath, telling him that it would make him feel better.

How the times had changed; the roles were reversed now.

The same thought must have crossed through Zhan, too, as he briefly made eye contact with YiBo hearing that before quickly looking away and then giving a jerky nod.

Finally having something useful to do, YiBo dashed for the attached bath, rolled up his sleeves and turned the faucets on to fill the tub. After some searching, he found the bubble soap and poured in a generous amount. Then he arranged the towels, flannel, shampoo nearby and giving everything an onceover, returned to the room.

Zhan was sitting exactly the same way he had left him.

"Your bath is ready."

"..........Okay."

When Zhan still didn't move, for one wild moment, an intense impulse gripped YiBo and he decided to run with it. Fuck consequences.

Going to Zhan with resolute steps, he put one knee on the bed to get a leverage, placed one arm behind Zhan's neck, another under his folded knees and took him into a bridal carry. Surprised at this sudden action, Zhan, with his long limbs flailed, making it hard for YiBo to maintain his balance.

"What- what are you-"

"Don't push or I'll fall," was all YiBo managed to say and Zhan stopped.

How long had it been since YiBo had felt Zhan's chest so close to his own? Had those inky strands tickle his face? Too long....way too long.

For a moment, YiBo just stood there, holding Zhan like that, who in turn had gone still and stiff. Then slowly YiBo felt a hand clutched onto his shirt and he moved, walking towards the bath.

Inside, he set him down and did not retract his hand till Zhan's feet stopped wobbling. Still feeling the residual impulsive bravery from before, YiBo began to unbutton Zhan's shirt.

Not even one was done fully and his hands were stopped by another one.

"What are you doing?" Zhan's voice was panicked, raspy.

YiBo did not, could not dare to look up and meet those eyes. He purposively kept his gaze on the button. "I'm helping you unbutton." He tried to move but Zhan wasn't budging.

"YiBo...."

Removing his hands at once, YiBo took a few steps back, eyes still not meeting. "I'll let you do that then. But I'm not leaving," he said with a clenched jaw, ignoring the growing heat on his face. He, then, turned his back on Zhan and moved to stand closer to the door, giving him a semblance of privacy.

He was certain that Zhan was standing there like a sculpture till he heard the rustle of clothes hitting the floor and then something plunging into the water.

"I'm turning now," he informed and predictably did not get any response.

Zhan was sitting inside the tub, submerged by bubbles, forehead resting on the knees. Only his back was visible.

YiBo swallowed.

There was nothing sexual about it. The sight of that dejected, defeated, frail and lonely figure created a lump inside his throat. A painful lump of love, pity, regret and protectiveness.

This was the man he had once vowed to hold and cherish forever. This was the man that faced his worst fears today only to protect YiBo.

Zhan fulfilled the vows that YiBo had once taken in his heart.

Zhan had the ability to crush him into dust but instead, he let himself be crushed rather than harming YiBo.

That was love, was it not? To have someone inside the palm of your hand but never wanting to close it.

The remaining embarrassment evaporating from within, YiBo went and sat on the ledge of the tub, took the flannel, dipped it into the soapy water and began to wash Zhan's shoulders.

Even though YiBo made sure not to make skin on skin contact, Zhan still shrank back, burrowing more into the folds of his legs.

"I will leave once I wash your back. Make sure to wash your hair, okay?" YiBo hoped he sounded as casual as he intended his voice to be.

Zhan did not say anything, so, YiBo kept chattering to lessen the awkwardness.

"Xing is sleeping. He made another fuss while eating. To be honest, I would have too if I had to eat those bland foods every day. Our son is an angel otherwise. Oh and I noticed that he has learnt a few new words! Didn't the doc say his has delayed speech development? Load of bull. Just because he is not spouting-"

"Am I danger to him?"

It was a murmur, barely audible and YiBo would definitely have missed it if not all his attention was focussed on Zhan. For a second he paused but immediately resumed his washing.

"Why because you make him eat purred carrots? Mmm, from Xing's point of view-"

Zhan gave an irritated shake of his shoulder to dislodge the hand on his back. "Tell me the truth. Am I danger to him?" His voice was louder this time, agitated.

Despite the movement, YiBo kept moving the wet flannel all over that thin back, sliding over each prominent knobs of the spinal cord.

"The truth?.............A child that is given the utmost love and care, have the most loving and attentive parent, a home where he is safe, people who dote on him, a life where all his needs and desire is fulfilled, do you think he is in danger? Do you know how many kids can only dream of having such a life?"

".......................What if this loving parent is the dangerous one? What if there is a monster inside him?"

YiBo dipped the flannel in and squeezed it over the neck, swiping behind the ears.

"Has this parent ever caused any harm upon this child? Was the child ever at risk in the presence of this monster?"

"YiBo." There was a warning in that call.

"Yes, Ge?" Which YiBo deliberately ignored.

After staying stiff as a plank for several seconds it was as though the air left Zhan. He slumped forward further, shaking his head. "Don't do this to me, please. Don't."

"Then don't do this to yourself. Don't find problems where isn't any."

"What if-"

"I've heard every parent goes through this 'what if' phase before their parenthood. If all were to act on their self doubts, there wouldn't be any child born. Do you think I never doubted myself? I still do. What if I am not the kind of a father Xing needs in his life. What if I am doing everything wrong. What if I mess up and scar him for life......But never one I second guess about my presence in his life."

"Mine and your situation are not the same!"

"Why because you have some health isssues?"

"YiBo..." This time it was spoken in pleading.

"If you are going to latch onto every garbage those pathetic creatures threw at you, should I follow your example and do the same? Because there are plenty of things they have said about me."

No answer came but those shoulders began to shake. He was crying again. YiBo's heart broke a little with every silent sob that left Zhan.

He finally stopped and sat quiet for a long moment. "Ge.....if what they say about me isn't true, what they say about you isn't either. Please, don't give importance to those who are the most undeserving. You are the best Papa Xing could ever have. Not only you chose him but he chose you, too. Despite all the odds, he came to you. He chose you. Don't doubt him."

The shaking grew. The sobs weren't silent anymore.

"Dih- did I ru- ruin your life?" Zhan hiccoughed in between the words.

YiBo wished he had some leftover courage from before so that he could hug Zhan.

Instead he said, "By loving me or leaving me?"

The tears did not cease in the least.

"Even though I am not proud of it, I wish I could show you the me that I had become in your absence. Maybe then only you would believe what you being in my life does to me." YiBo stared unseeingly at the slowly dispersing bubbles around them. "If this, in this moment, being with you is the ruins of my life, then I will beg you to ruin me more."

Zhan broke down completely. Painful sounds of a heartbreaking wail filled the room.

"Why must we live by others' rules, Zhan Ge? Haven't we already wasted enough time? I am not generous like you. I am selfish. I don't want to spend another second apart, waste another minute doubting. I want you, I want Xing, I want us. I don't care if the functionality of our family does not match up with thousand others. They are not living our lives, we are. We should be the one to decide how we will stay together and raise our kid. I am not ideal either, then why are you regretting not being one? Didn't you use to tell me I deserve what I want?..........I want you, Zhan Ge. I always did, always will."

Even after the last echo of the words dissipated in the damp air, the muffled sobs kept ringing inside the walls and YiBo let him. Let him cry out his pain, his self doubt, his sufferings, his struggles. He let him cry.

He did not know how long had it been but the bathroom was quiet now. Zhan was quiet now. The tears had stopped at last.

Looking at that arched back, YiBo said, "Your skin must be all pruned by now. Dip your head in the water and get up," and himself stood up. He was not expecting any reply but did get one this time.

After a couple of minutes, Zhan shook his head, "The water has my snots in it."

The small, surprising smile that broke into YiBo's face could rival a midday Sun.

XOXOXOX

YiBo waited patiently by the bed for Zhan to come out of the bathroom so that he could tuck him in. After a while Zhan came out, looking fresh and less swollen. YiBo moved the duvet and Zhan got inside without another word and let YiBo tuck him in and putter around. None saying anything.

Then he went to fluff the pillow and found two downturned photo frames underneath. Just as he was picking them up Zhan's hand flung out to take them away but it was too late. YiBo had already turned them.

One was a photo of Xing. Younger, maybe around one. Smiling at the camera with his milky teeth and wide eyes. Pure and innocent. A small ball of light and joy.

The other was of YiBo. Much younger. Eighteen to be precise. They had just started dating at that time and had a fight. When Zhan texted him after not talking to him in a while, YiBo had sent him this selfie. His petulance obvious in the frozen face.

The significance of Zhan still keeping this photo and keeping it with him while having an emotional breakdown was not lost on YiBo.

Involuntarily, his vision blurred.

"Me too......" He whispered, still looking at those two pictures and not meeting the eyes for whom the words were intended, "I missed you too, you know. I missed you too." His voice shook and he gulped again and again to push the sadness, the loss, the long lost past back into his chest.

Is this how you held onto me all these years? How you kept me close? Will you hold me again, Zhan Ge?

Words remained unspoken, emotions veiled. But they both knew something had shifted between them tonight. The distance had shortened. The severed thread mending finally.

Surreptitiously wiping his eyes, he put the frames near Zhan, giving him a small smile. "Sleep now. I'll come later. I'm staying here tonight." With that YiBo got up from the edge of the bed, wanting to hide his emotions from Zhan.

Cold, hesitant fingers lightly wrapped around his wrist, halting him.

Zhan was staring at him. Face bare open with emotions that YiBo could read easily but was afraid of misinterpreting them.

Zhan opened his mouth but didn't say anything, just kept his eyes on YiBo. It was a soul piercing gaze from which YiBo could never hide. They stayed like that for several heartbeats.

"Have you eaten?" Zhan spoke and YiBo heard. Heard the unuttered words loud and clear.

He shook his head, "No. Want me to bring back something and eat together?"

"Yes," Zhan's nod was slow but eager; his fingers still around YiBo's wrist, thumb on his throbbing vein.

This moment was the Truth. This moment would define them. This moment would hold them forever, together. A framed photo in the eternal loop of Time.

"I'll be right back.

"I know."

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Today is the day I will descend from the tree finally! Where's my red carpet?!!!😎

How was it then?🌚