kay, lemme kowtow first for going MIA for two weeks straight but I swear there reasons were legit.🤧

I couldn't write a single word the first week because life was kicking my butt with adult stuffs. Then the second week when I was done with 40% of the chapter, a relative passed away. That grandma was pretty old and sick, so, not a shocker but I had to attend her cremation ceremony, which turned things to shit for me. You see, the last time I attended such a ceremony was for my mum and before that was for my dad. So, the whole thing triggered me in the most horrible way possible. I was catatonic for a few days. But life must go on and I already hated myself for keeping you all in wait. Hence, I somehow managed to finish the chapter. Don't think it's much but I hope you guys will understand. It's a had time for me.🤧

Thank you all those who DM'd me or left comments asking after my health due to my absence. It always feels so heart warming to know some of you see me more than a writer. Thank you.❤️😍

Hope you all are doing great.💜

Off ya go!

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Chapter-35

"How are you feeling today, Zhan?"

"Exausted.................numb," Zhan replied without taking his eyes off the floor.

They were in Zhan's bedroom, the place he felt the safest currently.

"Any feeling of impending attacks?"

Zhan shook his head silently.

His therapist stayed silent for a while. "Do you want to talk? It's perfectly fine if you don't want to."

Zhan gave a light shrug, head still lowered, "You came all the way here for me."

"And you are not obligated to do anything for a decision I took on my own."

Zhan did not answer.

"I heard you did brilliantly well yesterday."

"Did you watch it?" A definitive reaction at last.

The therapist smiled in denial, "No, I haven't but I have heard it from reliable sources."

"What reliable source?" Suspicion was clear in his voice.

"From Mr. Wang....well, both of them."

"YiBo....you talked to YiBo?" Receiving the affirmative nod, he added, "What...did he tell you?" The trepidation he felt was so stark.

"He told me how brave you were throughout and.....how proud he is of you."

Zhan closed his eyes briefly, not wanting to let those words affect him, for they were just kind words to console him. "What's there to be proud of?" He murmured. "I panicked, stuttered, forgot the important details. I was scared, not brave....never brave."

"Hmmm," his therapist hummed noncommittally. "Zhan, do you know what immense courage it takes for us to openly talk about unpleasant and bitter truth? Especially if that truth includes our own follies? You bared yourself open to a roomful of strangers; people whom you know have no goodwill or sympathy for you or your dear ones. Even though you avoid interaction with the outer world at any cost, even though you have severe social anxiety, you went there and faced your fears head on. All to bring the truth in the forefront. For Mr. Wang. And it's one of the bravest things I have ever witnessed."

"I wasn't brave," Zhan remained unmoved on his statement.

"All right," She did not push either. "Then tell me how you feel about what Mr. Wang did. About the interview he did. Was he brave?"

"Yes. Immensely." Sometimes Zhan's own determination surprised him when it came to defending or supporting YiBo.

"Because he took all the responsibilities and blame onto himself?"

"Yes."

"And why did he do that?"

Zhan stared at her. "You know why."

"I do but I want o hear it from you, if you don't mind telling me again."

Zhan did not want to, he really did not want to recall that sense of guilt. But then again, there was no recalling. That guilt was always there within him, growing like a fungus. "To save me," he replied quietly.

"In other words, you were his courage, Zhan. He was brave because of you."

No....that's- that's not true....that's not how it works....

"Similarly," She continued, "what you did was brave, too, and Mr. Wang was your courage. You cannot accept one and reject the other, Zhan. Even if you have self doubts, you have to face the truth. Sometimes our courage is not the feeling within but the people around us."

"But I'm not brave! I'm not courageous. I'm not even safe!" Zhan voice rose; the strongest reaction he had given so far, then he covered his face with both hands. "I'm not....I'm not."

Minutes passed by as his therapist let his emotions stabilize without saying anything else.

"Forgive yourself, Zhan; accept yourself. You don't have to be perfect to make your loved ones happy. You just need to be well and happy yourself. Accept their love."

XOXOXOX

"Thank you for agreeing to talk to me, Mr. Wang."

"I would have talked to you anyway, even if you didn't ask me, so don't thank me. How is he?"

"He is better than I expected him to be, considering what he went through yesterday."

"Really? That's better?"

"Definitely. Based on his previous records, he should be having bouts of panic attacks and catatonic phases in between. Emotionally completely unreachable and needs to be sedated. But except from the meltdown he had last night, nothing of that sort happened. He was responsive throughout our talk. Upset, yes but that's to be expected."

"He was responsive last night as well. Not much, not chatty or anything but he talked to me."

"That's......I can't tell you what an unimaginable improvement that is for Zhan. If you don't mind, Mr. Wang, may I know what the topic you two talked about was? I'm not prying; this is to keep the record."

"We talked about our son, his safety, how Zhan's condition might affect him. Then...um...then we talked about our past for a bit. He broke down several times during the talk though."

"That's excellent."

"Excellent?"

For the first time YiBo saw a different expression other than calmness on her face.

"Ah, pardon my excitement," She said embarrassedly. "It's excellent because he opened up and talked about the things that trigger his anxiety the most and yet did not have another attack."

"I.....I am told that I'm a trigger."

"Not you but the incidents involving you."

"Oh."

"................Mr. Wang, you must remember that you are also his anchor."

For some reason YiBo could not look up and meet her eyes. He could not risk seeing her consoling him with lies.

"Anything else you want to talk about, Mr. Wang?"

"Um......when will he be normal again?"

As YiBo asked he watched her hesitating. She looked at the notebook in her lap, closed it and smoothened the cover. She was stalling, he knew.

"Mr. Wang, I apologize beforehand if you find my words offending but what do you mean by normal? Is he not normal to you?"

"I didn't mean.....I mean, when his conditions will improve."

"It will improve when he will accept himself as normal; when he will learn to forgive himself for the things that is not in his control." She cleared her throat, "I know, as common people, we often compartmentalize things as black and white, normal and abnormal but we must not forget that sometimes just a single word can make or break someone. Words hold the ultimate power for those who suffer from Zhan's conditions. They tend to hang onto every word that had the slightest negative connotation for them because self blame is a constant state of mind for them. If Zhan ever hears that his near ones do not consider him as "normal", it will only cement his own belief of him as someone broken, dysfunctional. That will worsen his condition. He needs to believe that despite his conditions, his issues, his shortcomings, he is perfectly normal, fully functional. Because it is the truth. And along with him, you and his other close ones have to realize and believe this too. This specially goes for you, Mr. Wang. I do not know if you're aware but you hold a great emotional power over Zhan. Please, do not mistake it as superiority but a certain type of control that comes from love. We give that control to the person we love. Zhan was the one who gave that power to you, which means your words, your actions always have a special effect on him. Therefore, it is as vital for you to think Zhan as normal as it is for Zhan to believe the same."

Whenever it came to Zhan's health conditions, YiBo had always felt lost. True that after knowing the issues he had tried to learn about it as much as his schedules permitted but still when it came to actually handling the situation, YiBo did not know what to do. And now, hearing what she just explained that lost feeling only increased along with the sense of guilt.

"I did not mean it in any derogatory way. I just....I only want him to be healthy again. I'm sorry it came out wrong."

"I know you did not, Mr. Wang, and I am not accusing you. Please, take it as an advice. During my time with Zhan, the one thing I have perceived is how important you are to his recovery, hence, I hope you help him any way you can."

"I do, I will help him anyway I can. I....I'm the reason he is in this situation now."

"No, please, don't go down that path; it's a request. You cannot help someone out of your sense of guilt because it won't be for that person's benefit but for your desire to clear your conscience and after a time, the enthusiasm will taper away. The last thing Zhan needs in his life right now is inconsistency. If you decide to help him, you will have to actually be with him, if not forever but for a long time. It's a lengthy process of-"

"You think I am doing this for my own benefit? To clear my conscience? Is that- how dare you! How. Dare. You!" YiBo's voice rose like the mercury of his temper because really, how dare she even imply that! Nothing could be more further from the truth. "Why do you all people think of me as this unfeeling, heartless monster? Why? Because I can't express myself like you people do? I can't cry? Because I wasn't the one to find him again? Does that make my love for him any less? Will- Will I-" And YiBo could not continue anymore. To his utter horror and humiliation, his voice choked up. The stress, the heartache, the exhaustion of these past few weeks were finally catching up to him.

After several minutes passed whenthe therapist spoke again, YiBo remembered that he wasn't alone.

"Mr. Wang?"

"Um..I'm sorry. I- please, excuse my rudeness. It's the stress. I know you mean well for Zhan."

"Allow me to apologize as well. Without any extended talk I should not have brought forth any sensitive topic."

"No, it's all right. I wanted to talk to you as well. I want to know more about Zhan's problems and how I can help him."

"That's wonderful and I admire your efforts. Uh, Mr. Wang, please, take it just as a suggestion, but have you ever thought of having a counselling session for yourself or a psychological evaluation?"

A frown appeared on YiBo's face. "Counselling? You mean therapy? Why should I do that? I don't need that. I'm totally all right."

"Of course, you are. Having a counselling does not necessarily mean you have any issues. Just as we take vitamins or calcium supplements, counselling sessions help to keep our mind healthy and organized." She seemed to hesitate for a moment before continuing to say more. "Also, assuming you two are at the juncture of restarting your relationship, I would insist on having your psych evaluation done. I know this probably feels like an unwelcomed interference but as Zhan's therapist, I must ensure his wellbeing first and foremost."

"What has our relationship anything to do with me having a therapy? I don't understand."

"Because Mr. Wang, a relationship with someone with severe emotional issues requires more than care and patience. You have to be sure of your own emotional strong points and drawbacks before you can help Zhan. There will be episodes when Zhan will shut everyone off or react negatively to any help you offer, when he will be irritated and snappy, irrational. When he will be insecure for no reason at all and won't ask for reassurance either. You will have to prepare yourself for all such situations. And while now it may feel like an easy feat to achieve, in everyday life, it won't be. Therefore, I will earnestly request you to sort out everything that you have doubts about yourself."

Her words made him pause and think. Was it true? Well, she was the expert and apparently she had helped Zhan a lot but the thought of him having therapies....."But what if I don't have any problems? What kind of help therapies would do to me then?"

"Nothing. In that case you will have a chance to vent out, to rant." Her eyes became sharper and more attentive, "Mr. Wang, having a counselling does not mean you will be on medication. It's not a treatment in the conventional sense of the word. It is to make sure you are prepared to help Zhan in any and every situation."

It was the final push to convince him. Anything for Zhan, anything. "All right. I will do it."

"Great. Thank you for taking my request. If you like, I can refer you a few of my colleagues who will be very discrete if you decide to go to them."

"Why? I thought I would be talking to you."

"Then you're very welcome to set an appointment with me. It will be my pleasure."

"Okay. I'll let my assistant know and he will handle things for me."

"Very well. Uh..Mr. Wang, if I may say something?"

"Sure."

"Please, do not take it as me patronizing you but kindly try not to react negatively about therapies or mental health treatments in front of Zhan. You maybe stating a mere doubt but to Zhan it will act like a refusal, or a confirmation of his dysfunctinality that he thinks he has. He needs acceptance more than anything else now."

YiBo had never thought it this way. When he showed reluctance about having a counselling, it was solely based on the reflex system of negating anything was wrong with his head. But now he could see how insulting and discriminating that thought process was. This was nothing but the result of the taboo the society had set upon anything related to mental illness and YiBo, even after watching Zhan suffer from it day in and out, did not even realize the ignorance was so deep within him as well.

He felt ashamed.

"I am sorry. I really am. I was thoughtless...........I guess, I do need that evaluation."

She smiled, "We all are helpless in one thing or another. There is no shame in it."

XOXOXOX

XingXing was neither talking to his Papa nor to his Daddy; XingXing was only talking to his Unca Xun. The next morning when MehMeh tried to take him to Papa's room, XingXing ignored her, turned his head away and busied himself to all the hard labour he did daily. And when she tried to pick him up, XingXing made good use of his vocal cords and was set free quickly. He resolutely did not talk to Papa.

Because Papa was bad.

Awhile later when Unca Xun called from downstairs, XingXing took a break from his hard work, took Dagon by its tail and slid down. However, Unca Xun wasn't alone; Papa and Daddy were with him as well. But XingXing was not going to give them any time of his day. So, he set his determined eye on the goal only and yelled as he ran.

"Unca Xuuuuun!"

"Hey champ!"

After he was picked up and sat on the lap, XingXing made a point not to look at his left, where his very bad parents were sat.

"Dagon!" He waved the plushie at Unca Xun because Unca Xun was good.

Then Daddy tried to grab Dagon's paw and XingXing snatched it away immediately because Daddy was bad.

"Peanut? Won't you talk to me?" Daddy asked, to which XingXing did not respond. Instead, he waved the toy at Unca Xun again. He was a strong willed toddler, after all.

But Daddy was stubborn and couldn't take a hint. He again extended his grabby hands and gripped XingXing's ankle.

Therefore, XingXing did what any sensible and self respecting toddler would have done. He kicked that hand. Hard.

Things, however, did not go as planned after that.

"Xing!" Papa yelled out suddenly, Startling XingXing, who dropped his Dagon from shock.

"Say sorry to Daddy," Papa ordered, all angry and red.

"Noh," XingXing held his ground bravely, even though his lower lip trembled. He slid down the lap and stood in front of Papa, head tilting all the way back....because Papa was taller than the sky.

"Now."

"Noh," XingXing's voice shook and he had to swallow loudly like he did with that yucky porridge.

"Ge-" Daddy tried to say something but Papa kept looking at XingXing.

"Say sorry. Apologize."

"Noh," this time XingXing shook his head too, to show his solid reluctance, then shook again to be safe. "Noh." Then his head shook again...and again...and again. It did not stop even though it wasn't him that was shaking it. "Noh." Next he knew, his lip started trembling like Dagon's tail. "Noooooohh"

Then he was crying and Papa was picking him up and Papa was crying too and they were crying together and all XingXing knew after that was Papa's warm warm, Papa-smelling hugs and everything was getting better.

XOXOXOX

"I guess my need has ended here. I'll let this emotional duo have their moment now," Xuan chuckled and got up from the couch.

YiBo watched as Zhan and their son hugged each like their lives were dependent on it and both cried their eyes out. Sitting beside them, witnessing this heart wrenching, pure moment of love, YiBo felt like an intruder.

He was one, was he not? He might be Xing's other parent but in their small unit, YiBo had no place. It was only their own, just the two of them. Anyone else was an outsider. Even YiBo.

However, following Xuan's example when YiBo tried to get up, a hand placed above his own stopped him.

His eyes travelled from those slender digits up to that long arm to the face that was still buried in the child's small, frail shoulder. With his eyes still closed, Zhan held Xing with one hand and YiBo with another, connecting them together.

Together.

Completely out of his depth, YiBo did not know what to do; Zhan wasn't looking either to give him any suggestion. Thus, he did what came to his mind. He held that hand back, filling the gaps between those fingers and gave a tentative, soft squeeze.

A second later, Zhan squeezed back.

Together.

XOXOXOX

After getting a very watery, "Sowy, Daddy" apology and a mouthful of Dagon's fur, YiBo left the now conjoined father-son duo in Zhan's room and went to the basement studio where Xuan had requested his presence.

"Your assistant is coming to pick you up. Apparently, your phone is off," Xuan informed him.

Only then he remembered that he had forgotten to turn on the device since yesterday. Xiu Ying must be popping a vein by now. "Okay. But...." He hesitated to voice his concern, not being someone who was open with his emotions.

But Xuan caught on it. "He will be all right. And it would create more problems for both of you if you stay off the grid for too long at this moment, Mr. Wang."

".........Yeah, I understand."

Xuan nodded in agreement. "Anyway, the reason I called you down here because there is an update on the situation. Ms. Vanessa has made a post regarding the issue."

For a moment YiBo's stomach dropped. While he trusted Vanessa not to go against him or Zhan, he knew how agencies worked in this industry and what kind of pressure she would be in right now.

"No need to look so alarmed. It's nothing bad. Actually, it's-" he, then, clicked something on the computer and a Weibo page opened up. YiBo squinted to see what it was.

"I stand in support with Mr. Wang YiBo and his family. This might come as a shock to many of you but it is what it is. Thank you all for your concerns. I am doing perfectly fine."

An unwarranted giggle rose up YiBo's throat. This brutal, no nonsense statement was so like Vanessa. She was really a force to be reckoned with.

"She took a huge risk," Xuan's remark was more to himself but YiBo responded anyway.

"She did." Being in the same industry YiBo knew better than anyone just what a huge risk she took by posting that statement. And she didn't have to. Just supporting them morally and from behind would have been more than generous, considering how the situation also affected her but standing with them publicly? YiBo's respect for her went up a few more notches.

"Mr. Wang, when you talk to Ms. Huang next, please, convey our sincerest regards for her support."

"Will do," YiBo said absently, still looking at the screen. "Uh...What's the....situation about...the interview," he asked haltingly, not really wanting to know but it was necessary.

"Not really good but that was expected. We are prepared for the storm to come but..." Xuan clicked the mouse a few times and a new page popped up, "but this surprised me." He gestured for YiBo to read the screen and when he did, his own surprise was obvious on his face.

"It's......isn't it hopeful?" He voiced his hope.

"Very. Very much so."

"Have you showed him?"

"Not yet. I'll give him another day to compose. Because even though it's a positive sign, it would still be a very sensitive topic for him. And he might interpret it as pity from the kind hearted people."

It pained YiBo to realize every moment just how scared of the world Zhan was. "Yes, give him some time."

Xuan nodded and showed YiBo a few more pages. They talked about the ongoing scenario for a while before they were informed that YiBo's assistant had come to pick him up.

XOXOXOX

Zhan was in Xing's playroom when YiBo went to say goodbye.

"Ge?"

Zhan turned his head and there was a lingering smile from whatever talk he was having with their son just then. That smile stole YiBo's breath away.

"I have to go now."

He could pinpoint the moment the words sunk in and the smile vanished from Zhan's face, replaced by worry.

"Go?"

"Xiu Ying is here to pick me up."

"Oh." Zhan turned away, hiding his face from YiBo's eyes, looking at Xing, who was busy playing with his blocks. "...........He's going to miss you."

YiBo stared at the back of that head, long enough for Zhan to look back at him in askance.

"I am going to miss him too," YiBo said, gazing unblinkingly at Zhan, leaving no room for doubt that he had heard what Zhan couldn't say. "I don't want to go." Not wanting silence to be there, he kept talking, "I'm sorry I really don't want to but I have prior appointments that I need to-"

"Yes, of course. I understand," Zhan nodded, looking down at the floor.

YiBo hated that defeated, dejected bow of that head. "I will be back soon. As soon as my schedule clears," he hurriedly said, "and I'll call and video call every day."

But the other man was already shaking his head, "You don't have to. You don't have to trouble yourself on my account-"

"Ge?" When Zhan stopped and looked up, he said, "I know I have done you more wrong than I can count and maybe don't deserve to be forgiven but please, I beg you, please, don't push me away again. The distance we crossed last night, please, don't put that back again between us."

Zhan's eyes had widened during YiBo's speech and now he looked at him as if he wanted to say something. But suddenly YiBo did not want to hear it, afraid that it would be another formal word that would make YiBo feel like an outsider.

"I'm...I'll be back soon." And he left with that. Crossing the room, crossing the living area, crossing the main door, crossing the drive-through and to his waiting car.

On the tinted window of the car the face that looked back at him was sad, reluctant.

He ran back.

Zhan was now standing in the same spot, facing the door. YiBo rushed in, wrapped his arms around his neck, crushed their bodies in the tightest embrace and murmured in his ear, "You won't ever be alone again even if you want to. I won't let you."

This time the reflection on the tinted window was determined, resolute.

XOXOXOX

"Oh my god! Holy fuck! I still can't believe this! Wang YiBo is gay??!"

"That's what you're worried about?"

"Why the fuck are you even worried for someone else's business? It's their life, let them live!"

"Oh, please. As if you aren't as invested into them."

"I'm a fan of their work and their happiness will make me happy but to cyber stalk them day and night and point fingers at their decisions when I don't know shit about them personally? Not my cup of tea."

"Okay okay, but Yiling Patriarch and Wang YiBo?! Damn! I mean, that's some blessed gene pool that baby's gonna have."

"You make me sick. You think YiBo is happy with that guy? That wretched man left YiBo when he had enough fun and even hid the baby away! What an absolute despicable human being!"

"Too damn right! Who the fuck does that? And see how he came back just at the time when YiBo was finally going t be happy! Let me tell you, that bastard will be the ruin of our YiBo."

"Not to forget, the dude is crazy."

"Shut up. He's not crazy! You clearly have not the least idea about depression and anxiety disorder. Go, educate yourself first."

"I don't have to. There is no excuse for keeping a child away from a parent, mental patient or not."

"This is not an excuse. It's a valid reason. My brother has PTSD and if Xiao Zhan suffers the half of what my brother does, then I can very well understand his unfounded fear."

"Fear of what? He can fuck the man, have a baby but can't tell him? Dude, stop being delusional. He's a coward."

"He's not. Do you have any idea how much courage it takes to talk about mental illness in a society that's filled with nasty, judgemental people like you? More so when the person is a public figure. He essentially risked his entire career."

"I agree with you. I suffer from clinical depression. I am scared of talking about it even to my friends, let alone others and I'm a nobody."

"You don't know about these celebs. They do shit, then blame it to some medical condition."

"Dude, there's a huge difference between blaming it on some condition and declaring in front of half the country that you're a pathological psychological patient. Don't forget that Xiao Zhan has an empire of his own."

"Pretty sure that 'empire' was built over blackmailing money. He must have blackmailed YiBo into making him a career."

"EXACTLY! I can bet that the interview YiBo had released was made under coercion as well. That evil man must have threatened him with something."

"Maybe with the baby. I mean, he clearly doesn't care a whit whether their baby get a good and secure childhood."

"Also, is that baby even safe with a crazy person like him? I mean, isn't there a childcare facility or something where we can petition?"

"Yes! Let's do that. Let's protect our YiBo! Poor boy has suffered so much for so long. But no more. We will always have his back. #boycottyiling

"You stans make me puke. There should be a legal limit on how much you can baby your idol. You think while YiBo was being coerced his friends, his legal team stood silent and watched? Have you all forgotten how YiBo called Xiao Zhan his family in that interview? And if it was all a product of blackmailing then why would Vanessa Huang made that post supporting YiBo and his family? You wanna tell me she was coerced too? Get the fuck outta here."

"Don't make me laugh. He clearly meant his parents as his family."

"I have been suffering from depression for a long time now and always felt alienated because there has been barely any representation about us. No one wants to admit to such conditions. It's like, they would rather have AIDS than mental illness. I'm glad that a public figure finally opened up about it. Going by the above comments, don't think much will change but still people like me will have someone to look up to. #istandwithxiaozhan

"#boycottyiling"

"#boycottyiling"

"#boycottyiling"

"#boycottyiling"

"#boycottyiling"

"#boycottyiling"

"#boycottyiling"

"#istandwithxiaozhan"

"#boycottyiling"

"#boycottyiling"

"#istandwithxiaozhan"

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I will try to keep a weekly update schedule but no promises, as the coming week will be another hectic one.🤧