Yo!😎 Still alive? Me too! Serving updates as promised!😎

This chapter is all over the place. I had such high hopes for it and wrote mindlessly, thinking that I would edit everything before posting. Then this afternoon I realized that today was Saturday and no time for me to clean up my word vomit. So, forgive me, sensei!😖🙏

Love and hugs and free sanitizers to those who commented and voted! You've made a quarantined poor soul very happy! Well done, you!

SabyyaButt kissy kissy for ya, with mask, of course!😘😘

Take care. take precautions. it's okay to go stir crazy and wanting to go out but not okay to endanger others. Stay alive 'cause who will support these poor excuse of stories otherwise?

My prayers for you and your countrymen. My utmost respect for your medical staffs and all those who are helping to make all our lives survivable in this situation.

The photo manip on the header is done by- 麦兜白 (on weibo)

Now, off with the read!

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IMPORTANT: 'Gē Gē' is a Chinese term meaning 'elder brother'. We asians do not call our elders (no matter how small the age gap is) by names. It's considered disrespectful. We use such terms to signify the relations, i.e. Ge Ge, Hyung, Senpai, Dada, JieJie etc. These can be used in an affectionate way depending on the relationship between the persons. If you're asian (from whichever part you are) you are probably familiar with this. If you're not, it is to clarify why YiBo keeps calling Zhan 'Ge' in the story.

Chapter-8

Late at night. Zhan was in his basement turned working studio. Trying to convince himself that he was indeed working and not just brooding and questioning his life choices. His eyes went again to the silent baby monitor sitting innocently at the table top.

Did he do the right thing running to that lawyer? Xuan was out of station for a promotional work at the moment and Zhan didn't dare to inform him either. He was pretty sure his manager would go ballistic the moment he knew.

He doubted that YiBo would actually act on his threat about a legal custody battle. He had always been like this, throwing tantrums, saying things that he didn't mean or would regret later. Zhan had gone through this routine several times in the past but even so, he couldn't take the risk in this particular case.

Maybe it was because of his sense of guilt, the undeniable fact that he had indeed wronged YiBo, that had shaken him so much hearing that threat. Because guilty or not he wouldn't let anyone, anyone, take Xing away from him. This fear almost left him paralyzed of all coherent thoughts every time it occurred.

Going back and forth of such morbid thoughts he was zoning out when the intercom connected to the main outer entrance of the house buzzed. Zhan's soul almost left this mortal realm at the sudden harsh sound, eyes automatically going up to the wall clock. 1:20am, it read.

Who on earth could be banging on his door at this godforsaken hour?!

Zhan didn't have security guards. It was a posh, solitary neighbourhood where no one bothered about other residents. And he mostly worked from home, making his acquaintance circle even smaller.

So, this night intruder must be a thug or a drunk. In between his sudden worry the bell kept buzzing. He quickly turned to the screen that showed the CCTV footage around his house. And there it was. A man standing just outside the gate, head bent to rest against the iron, left hand on the bell.

The camera was overhead and only the partial figure could be seen but something about that posture stiffened every muscle of Zhan's body.

"Is that...? What the hell!"

Another second of shocked inaction and then he hurriedly answered the intercom.

"Hello?"

"...........Is tha' you?"

"Um-"

"Op'n the goddamned door!"

"What do you want?"

"Open the doooooor!"

And Zhan saw, with shock, YiBo started banging on the gate.

What the hell was happening?

Thinking it might not be the best idea leaving the man making a ruckus outside his house, Zhan almost ran upstairs to open the gate. It was really a good decision to keep the intercom system on only at his basement studio at night. Or else, he would have a screaming toddler to pacify by now.

But why was he here?

With a brief pause, in which the flaming eyes of Xuan flashed by his mind, Zhan pushed the switch to open the gate. Then unlocked the door and stood quite a few steps back, waiting for it to open.

It did and in came Wang YiBo.

His face flushed red, eyes wild, hair windswept.

Zhan was so taken aback by this appearance that before he could collect himself YiBo cursed at him.

"You bastard!"

Zhan had just opened his mouth to speak but almost choked on his tongue.

"You think I don' know wha' you're doing?" YiBo pointed an accusing finger and jabbed the air, "Think I don' ge' it?"

"Are you...drunk?!" That was more of a rhetorical question. One look and anyone could tell that the man was drunk to the gills. And Zhan had lived with him for four years. "What are you doing here? Why are you here?"

"No!" YiBo denied with a 'I'm-being-wronged-here' face, then, swayed on his feet. "Maybe." Answering the first question. He lifted his chin defiantly, "So what? Tryna change the topic? Nuh-uh. I wo- I won' let you do it. You have to...answer me first! Yeah, answer me!"

"Will you, please, keep quiet?!"

It was bad enough that his ex boyfriend had turned up on his doorstep dead drunk at this hour. Now, if Xing had to witness such a scene then that poor thing would be scarred for life. He took a quick glance at the stairs leading up to the first floor where both of their bedrooms were.

"Why? You can't shut me uppp!" Inebriated arrogance oozed out of YiBo. "I wan' answers! Answers damnit!"

"And so you decided to turn up here at this time of the night? Drunk? While my son is sleeping? Because you needed answers? How dare you?! What the bloody hell, YiBo?! Couldn't have you waited till tomorrow? And how did you know where I live?" Zhan's patience was running out quickly. His nerves already unsteady by what happened between them in the previous confrontation, he really didn't have the mindset to deal with such drunken fuss. And honestly, what on earth was going on with this guy? The last time Zhan faced him he was ready to bloody murder! And now he was in his house wanting....only he knew what.

However, that seemed to put some sense into YiBo through his befuddlement, as his face went slack trying to let the words sink in. "Oh," he said dumbly. "I- I din' I..." He then looked past Zhan's profile, into the room. Then looked back at Zhan again, "Is he...in here?" Face suddenly mellow and devoid of any intelligence.

If it were any other time, Zhan's heart would have ached at how lost he looked but it wasn't the time and he was still very confused and pissed.

"We live here," he pronounced every word slowly; partly for YiBo's benefit and partly to calm himself down. "And you still haven't told me how did you find out my address."

"Oh...um..it was- it was in my wallet."

Zhan's confusion only grew at that. In his wallet? The hell? "And why are you here? What do you want?"

YiBo frowned and looked very confused for a moment, as though he himself didn't know why was he here of all places. "Um...I...I don' know. Why am I here?"

Rubbing his forehead in frustration, Zhan quickly went through the options he had at hand. There was none except for one. With their current relationship statuses he didn't think he should and could accommodate a drunk ex, whatever the reason maybe. YiBo's turning up at his doorstep was bizarre enough. "Go home before you regret this whole incident. We will talk when you've sobered up. Any questions you have, I will answer them then and only then, understand?"

Seeing that YiBo was busy processing that very complicated information, Zhan turned to go and check on Xing but he was stopped.

"Wha' was I to do?"

He looked over his shoulder to see YiBo looking at him with the same dumb, puzzled expression. He sighed and turned towards him again. "What now?"

"Wha' was I supp'sed to do if not comin' here?"

Zhan frowned. What was he talking about? YiBo spoke again.

"You left......an- an' I couldn't find you anywhere."

Instantly Zhan's chest tightened up. When YiBo said he wanted answers he thought it would be about..... He never imagined this could be what YiBo was looking for answer of. He froze on the spot.

"I search'd an' search'd, looked eve'ywhere," YiBo slurred on, "even asked that scum but no one tol' me anything!" A frown marred his flustered face as he stared at Zhan. "You left. Vanish'd from my life........you left me."

They held each other's gazes. One was pained, one glazed.

"Why?"

Such a small word but Zhan could sense a chasm of hurt opening up with that question. But all he could do was to look on with a burning sensation in his lungs.

"Why di' you leave me? Like that? Why di' you go away? Din't you-" He huffed, as though out of breath, "Din't you love me anymore?"

It was a nightmare. It had to be. This could not be happening. Zhan would wake up any minute now and all this surge of pain would dissipate. He wouldn't have to listen, wouldn't have to answer.

"You din't e'en tell me about 'im!" And YiBo's voice rose again, face contorting. "I'm a dad an' I din't e'en know! You din't tell me!" He swayed on his feet again from the renewed excitement. "He- he called me daddy! My own son called me daddy an' I couldn't even recognize him! That's how we first met! As sta- strangers! He called me daddy and I thought he was some lost kid! A lost kid! My own son!"

"I – it's-" Zhan tried but nothing went past the block lodged within his throat and YiBo wasn't waiting for any answer either.

"How could- how could you do this to me? How could- how..." he trailed off and instead just looked at him with eyes full of anguish. "Why do you hate me so much...GeGe?"

Zhan's entire world tilted sideways. His heart stopped and restarted again.

"That's not true," he didn't even realized he had whispered those words aloud. Because it wasn't, it wasn't. God knew it wasn't. Nothing could be further from truth than this.

"Why? 'Cause I'm not e'en worthy of your hate? 'Cause I'm such a bastard tha' you can' even waste your hate on me?"

Something was ripping his organs out and blood would come pouring out any moment. Zhan was certain of it.

"Am I tha' bad that you couldn' e'en tell me you were pregnant? You know..I was- I was reading an'- an' it's complicated- risky- it says it's risky," he was mumbling now, almost to himself, then, looked at Zhan again. "risky for male carriers. It's....painful. You used to be so scared of needles.....used to hold my hands....and...and..." His eyes somewhat sharpened up. "How did you do it alone? Tell me, how did you? Tell me, Ge, how did you stop needing me?"

Vision going blurry, sight wavering. Zhan should wipe off the falling tears, should gather himself up, should turn away and go to Xing. But his limbs were frozen stiff.

"You hired a lawyer. You didn' e'en talk to me. You....I admit. I a'mit that I talked about cour' and all but you went and hired a lawyer! You ne'er thought how it'd- it'd hurt. Ne'er thought how I'd feel. Ne'er though' where I'd go, whom I'd tell when I'm hurt. Who'd hold me when I'm hurt.....never thought that. Just left me."

It would have been better if Yibo rather cried. Anything would have been better than watching this broken person, hurting and writhing. And to know that Zhan had caused all of this.... a sob of a breath left him as he listened.

"And I've been so s-strong, you know? I've been so strong and I ne'er cried. People call'd me cold 'cause...'cause you took all the warmth away. And I thought, fuck it, I'd move on too! I crush'd my heart and build this shell," he thumped at his own chest. "An' decided to marry. Chose white! White 'cause I wanted to spite you! Wanted to hate you. Hate you!" His voice broke, eyes filling up, "Why di' you come an' ruin me again? Why di' you kill me all over again?"

To Zhan's utter horror he watched as YiBo's knees gave away and he kneeled on the floor, face crumbling with the deluge of tears.

"Why din't you tell me....Zhan Ge? Why? Would I have been tha' bad of a- of a parent? Wouldn't have I loved him?" The way he eagerly looked at Zhan, it felt like he genuinely wanted those answers. "Din't I love you, Zhan Ge? I lov'd you, so so much. I lov'd you with everything. Din't you believe me?" Sobs were wrecking his frame. "Those days......Those days I was so alone. You had Xing but I had none. I had none."

"YiBo....." Stop, please, stop, please, stop. Zhan's voice was raspy, hoarse. He couldn't take it anymore.

YiBo's head was bowed down but at his name being called he looked up from the floor; few more tear drops spilled out of his red rimmed eyes. "I want to hate you. For keeping Xing away from me." Unlike his body, his voice sounded steady and clearer, "For abandoning me. For breaking your promise, my heart. I want to hate you..........But I can't. I can't and it hurts." After staring for a moment his entire face twisted in agony and covering his face with both hands, YiBo completely broke down in uncontrollable sobs. "It's hurts. It hurts, Ge. It hurts."

Death probably would have been less painful than witnessing this.

How would he face this? How could he explain the things he himself wasn't ready to recall? How could he tell this man that it was just as painful for him, if not more? And above everything, how could he soothe him?

They remained where they were, YiBo still slumped on the floor, face hidden behind the hands, shoulders shaking intermittently; Zhan's t-shirt collar getting drenched by the silent pain that fell from his eyes.

An eternity passed. Or maybe it was just a few minutes. None of them possessed the sense of time at the moment.

YiBo finally looked up, not at Zhan but somewhere ahead. His face flushed, eyes swollen, lips bitten. "Sorry," he mumbled and struggled to get up.

Zhan wanted, so desperately wanted to go help him, to hug him, to do anything to stop him from looking like the wreckage of a man. But his courage had left him long ago.

"Sorry for this, sorry for..." YiBo waved his hand at his own direction, still avoiding Zhan's eyes. "I'll just..I'll go now. My bike," he looked confused for a second, "Oh, it's ousside. I'll.." He was already turning away but stopped midway, "Just don'..Don' take him away again." He swallowed and hesitated before adding, "Don' disappear again."

But Zhan had stopped listening right after that "bike". "Did you drive your bike here? Alone?" The words came tumbling down. He was struck with the sudden fear realizing that YiBo had driven his bike in this state, which could have ended up very tragically! It was miraculous that the man was standing there and not lying in some ditch somewhere. That realization did the trick that YiBo's tears or his even own couldn't do. His body kick started.

"Yeah," YiBo at last looked him in the eye and there was so much longing in his stare.

But Zhan's mind was whirling too fast to take notice of it now. "You're drunk! You- you can't drive like this!"

"It's- it's all right. I'll be fine. I'll...I'm sorry for coming...you go sleep I'll go.."

"No, wait!" Zhan panicked watching YiBo leave and yelled. "You can't go!"

YiBo looked puzzled and only then Zhan sensed how strange it must have sounded like and he tried to amend hurriedly, "I mean you must not drunk drive and I would have given you a ride but I can't leave Xing alone in the house." And nor could he call a cab and ask the driver to drop the famous Wang YiBo safely to his home.

"No, don'- don't worry about it. It's fine. Bye."

Seemed like he would have to take a more direct approach. Zhan shot out and grabbed YiBo's arm.

"Absolutely not. I'm not letting you go like this."

Eyes widening, YiBo looked at where Zhan was holding him. This was their first physical contact after a very, very long time.

"Ge?" Looking up, he asked with that same stupid tone and face.

Throwing caution to the wind, because as it was with his son, Zhan could not take any risk with this man either, he tightened his grip. "That's right. You're staying the night."

And before he could stop and regret his decision, he dragged his ex boyfriend to the spare room that was usually allotted for the guests he never had.

XOXOXOX

It was nearing dawn when Zhan sneaked into the room again to check on YiBo. After dragging and settling him there, and making sure that he showered and took the two aspirins Zhan had given him- because letting a two year old see a stinky and hungover Daddy was an absolute no- there was an awkward moment when they both didn't know how to act or what to say. And Zhan had fled the room right after, his earlier bravado leaving suddenly.

Now, hours later, when he was certain that the other person must be sleeping and had no chance of sensing his presence, he tiptoed in. YiBo was indeed deep in sleep.

The bedside lamp had illuminated a side of that face, sleep slacken and innocent. The previous pain and worry had been washed away by the soft yellow light.

Zhan sat down on an empty spot on the bed. A barrier had already been broken today and as the situation suggested, they would be sharing their child's custody soon. So, maybe he could take some liberty in the safety of the night and sleep.

YiBo looked particularly young when asleep, Zhan had always thought that. Or maybe because he had known him since he was practically a kid that despite their two year age difference he had always felt his boyfriend to be someone much younger. Almost like a child at times.

A memory came up and made him chuckle. While raising Xing he sometimes felt like he was dealing with YiBo.

His eyes swept over that face, cataloguing every detail, every small change.

"You haven't changed a bit. That same old temper tantrums, saying things without meaning it when angry, yelling at me, then, crying yourself silly," he was whispering with a smile on his face. He shouldn't talk and risk waking him up but couldn't stop either. His emotional barrage had been cracked open tonight. "And here I used to think who was that big man on the tv? All sombre and scary, making people shut up with just a look. Turned out it was all an act. When did you learn to hide yourself so well, hm? When did you grow up so much?" His voice shook and still with a smile, his eyes filled up. "When did you stop telling me all your worries, your hurts?" One eye spilled over, fat teardrops rolling down. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for coming back." His throat throbbed painfully and he had to swallow a few times. "And I'm sorry for not coming back sooner. I'm sorry for so many things. But I'm not sorry for leaving. The way I left, yes, I'm sorry for that but not for leaving. Because then I would have to regret for burdening you with a baby and a failed boyfriend at just twenty two, and I cannot regret that. Ever.

"I know you think I kept your son away from you because of some mal-intent, and I can't blame you thinking so. But it's not the truth, you know? When I knew about Xing I was so scared and all I wanted for you to tell me that everything would be all right and I know, I know you'd have done exactly that had you known. But I couldn't tell you. We fought that night and I couldn't deal with the possibility that you might reject the baby. I was so scared, felt so alone. I never told you but.....I was in a very dark place at that time. Sinking into depression by each day, drifting apart and away." Zhan's eyes went unfocussed with memories long past. "I had to go through months of therapy before and after Xing was born. They thought...the doctors thought I might develop baby blues, postnatal depression. And I had to get well for Xing. Couldn't lose him too. He was my only connection to you. A part of you that will have a part of me.

"Don't think I never thought of coming back. I did. Almost every day since I left, especially after Xing. I always wanted for him to have you in his life. And I thought once I get a foothold, make a career I would come back to you. But then the rumours of your dating came out. Stupid me. I was so focussed on making myself someone you could be proud of that I never considered that you would probably move on. And why shouldn't you?" He sniffed and wiped at his eyes to look at the sleeping man again, "I left after all. You did the right thing. And I hope she would heal away all the wounds left by me.

"Will you believe me if I say I never thought you'd be this hurt? This affected? At that time when we were fighting every day, tearing each other apart, I actually thought you'd be relieved if I left. My judgments were clouded, now I know that, but at that moment I honestly believed it.

"You asked me why I hated you so much," a sad chuckle left his lips, "and I say why I loved you so much. Had I loved a little less I might have been more selfish and we'd probably still be together. A family.

"No no, I'm not setting myself up to be some kind of self sacrificing saint. Not that. It's just...... it's just hearing you say that you think I hate you is painful, unbearably so. I won't and can't tell you these things when you're awake. I'm still a coward."

With a calming inhale Zhan stretched his hand towards YiBo, retracted it, then, stretched again, finally resting it on the blanket covered rising and falling chest. And sat quietly like that for several moments, just feeling the rhythm, regulating his own breathing pattern with that rise and fall. Staring at the oblivious face.

"I know you're hurt. Now I know how much you're hurt and nothing I say or do will ever make it right. Our pasts have paved our future and we have to live it with all its guilt and shame. An apology, however heartfelt, would laughably be insufficient and insulting. Will it compensate in anyway knowing that I've been hurt too, just as much, still am? No matter what others think, you're not a cruel person. You're never one to relish others' sufferings. So, I won't ever tell you that. But I really, really want to tell you that...that.." He had to bit his lip hard to stop the surge of emotions that wanted to pour out. "that I miss you. I have missed you every moment ever since I had left our home. I still do. And you're the best thing that had ever happened to my life. Xing came because of you. And I- and I...." But he couldn't say it. In this quiet room, sneaking in like a thief, confessing like a sinner, he couldn't utter the words like this.

"Xing is yours too, just as much. You're already a part of his life and he shall be yours if you want it." He leaned his face closer, "Just never cry like that ever again. I have lost my right to soothe you. I will fall apart seeing you hurting this way and now there's no YiBo there for me to gather my broken pieces and make me whole again." After much deliberation he brushed one cheek with the lightest touch of his fingertips. "You're made to be loved, YiBo. Don't let my presence affect you anymore. I'm nothing but a shadow of your past. You have found your love again. Don't look back and have your happily ever after this time. Maybe it was good that we never happened. Because only the best for you. Only the best. Let the morning be a new beginning."

A man stayed awake reminiscing the past. A man slept on dreaming the past. The red thread of Destiny wavered in between.

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I know I suck at drunken speech.😑

Any thoughts?😶 Questions?🙄