Requested by dimplessjoon
[🛑New Requests Closed🛑]
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Why did I ever agree to become the leader of this group? This shit fucking sucks. If I had known back then what I know now, I would have never said yes to this.

Namjoon tapped his pencil against the conference table while staring at the clock on the wall.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

The self doubt was consuming his thoughts as he tried to do something, anything, to keep himself from falling asleep during this meeting.

This was the fifth meeting of his day regarding his band, BTS.

The fifth meeting that only he had to attend because he was the leader, while everyone else in the group got to sleep in until it was time for dance practice.

The term 'exhausted' didn't do justice to how Namjoon felt. He couldn't understand it, but he felt way beyond just 'exhausted.' It was to the point where he recently found himself not wanting to be the leader of BTS at all. He felt bad for thinking that, because it had nothing to do with any of his members. He loved them to death like they were truly his own blood, but the added responsibilities were piling up faster than he was prepared for.

When the band BTS had started, he was the original first member and had no problem taking on the role of leader. He took huge pride in it, and really enjoyed being in charge of the group for years. However, with unprecedented fame that the group was achieving came with it a lot of behind the scenes things that Namjoon constantly had to deal with.

Meetings about songs, meetings about production, meetings about choreography (even though he wasn't even the dance leader), meetings about fan-signs and concerts and livestreams and fashion and-

"-If you'll excuse me, I have to use the bathroom." Namjoon bowed to the managers sitting around the table who he was in his meeting with before departing to the men's room. He dragged his feet down the hall and barged through the door. He stood in front of the mirror and stared at himself, noting the dark circles that had already formed under his eyes.

And the day has barely even started.

Turning the faucet to cold, he cupped his hands and watched as the water filled to the brim of his palms and spilled over. He dunked his face down into the little pool he'd created and felt an instant rush of relief as the cold touch of the water hit his skin. He thought about how right now the other members were most likely just waking up and taking showers, having gotten a good nights sleep. Recently he found himself feeling a bit jealous about their lack of responsibilities, but he couldn't blame them. He knew they all worked hard too for the band, it was just a bit frustrating having more to do than them.

Especially considering he wasn't being paid for it, either.

The guilt hit him in waves, because he knew if he told his members how he was feeling it would absolutely break their hearts. He knew they'd worry that he wanted to quit even though that was not the case at all. He knew he'd never want to leave them.

He simply wanted a break.

Even just a few days off to reset would do me so much good. Hopefully.

As he stared at himself in the mirror, watching as the last droplets of water slid from his forehead down to his cheeks and dripped off of his chin, an idea hit him.

Sickness.

Act sick, even just for a few days.

That became the immediate plan. He walked back into his meeting and clutched his stomach, claiming that he wasn't feeling well and just threw up in the bathroom. He had dabbled his forehead with some hot water before returning, hoping it seemed like he was sweating.

"You do look a bit flushed," one of the managers replied. Namjoon acted as though he were about to throw up again so he could get out of that meeting quickly, and everyone agreed to continue the meeting when he felt better, or to speak to one of the other members about things who could relay information back to Namjoon in the meantime.

"T-Thank you. I'm so sorry about this. I will hopefully feel better soon."

The first thing he did was call Hobi to let him know that he was sorry that he'd have to miss dance practice today, but he'd been throwing up and was getting a ride home.

"What? You were fine this morning. Namjoon-ah there's so much we have to do," Hobi groaned while holding the phone to his ear. He and the rest of the members were just on their way out of the dorm, so they wouldn't get to see Namjoon by the time he returned home.

"I promise to practice extra hard when I am better, Hobes. I am of no use to you today. I'm very sorry."

"Aish, alright. It just hit you suddenly? Do you need anything before we head out?" Hobi was trying to rush everyone out the door, but stall at the same time in case Namjoon needed something.

"No, no. I will most likely sleep. Please don't worry about me."

"Alright. We will see you when we get home. Make sure to drink plenty of liquids and get lots of rest."

"I will, hyung. Thank you for understanding."

By the time Namjoon made it back to the dorm, the others were long gone, headed off to a brutal day of dance practice.

Namjoon knew he'd have to make up for lost time, but right now that didn't matter because right now he got to spend the day doing whatever the hell he wanted.

He worked on some paintings in one of his sketchbooks, wrote down some lyrics, read some of his favorite books, and even looked through magazines about artwork that included some of his all time favorite sculptors.

A day all to himself.

A few more days of this wouldn't hurt anyone...

That's exactly what he did. For days, he acted as though he couldn't function as a human being while the members were home. They did everything they could to tend to him in hopes that he'd heal quickly. Jin was constantly making hot soups and teas, Taehyung and Jungkook were bringing him medicine (which he'd dump into the toilet because he knew he didn't really need it), Hobi was performing the dance routines in front of him so he'd have at least somewhat of an idea of what was going on. Jimin and Yoongi were taking it upon themselves to attend the leader meetings that Namjoon kept missing so they could take notes and keep him updated, but the two were stressed the hell out simply attending the meetings.

Jimin tried handing Namjoon the little notepad with notes he took but he couldn't help but feel bad. "I hope what I wrote makes sense. To be completely honest I didn't understand a word of what those managers were saying. I hope you can at least make sense of my notes. I'm really sorry if you can't. I tried."

Namjoon grabbed the notepad from him to see scribbles written in what looked like complete chicken scratch. It wasn't like Jimin to write in a way that was hard to comprehend. Jimin noticed the slight look of disapproval on the leader's face and felt the need to apologize again. "I'm sorry, hyung. They were talking so quickly and I was trying so hard to keep up and write it all down."

Yoongi was with Jimin and defended him. "Yeah, Namjoon. I don't know how you comprehend anything in those meetings. That's quite a lot of work. Having to sit through those ourselves, we really can't thank you enough for taking on the leader role because God knows the rest of us wouldn't be able to do it. We truly owe you our lives."

That was all it took to send Namjoon into an internal spiral of immediate remorse. He furrowed his brows as he looked at the notepad again and he could only imagine how panicked Jimin must have felt trying to gather all the information from him. "Don't...don't worry about it, alright? I will figure it out. I appreciate that you tried. Thank you. Yes, it is a lot of work. I'm happy to do it for you guys. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to go lay down if that's alright."

Yoongi and Jimin asked the leader if he needed anything else and he said no, just rest.

Once he was alone in bed he couldn't help but release tears into his pillow. They deserve the best leader and I've been lying to them and letting them down for days by faking this sickness. How fucking selfish could I be?

He didn't want to tell his members that he'd been lying about being ill because he knew they'd be quite angry, but he decided it was time he stopped acting and got back to work. The few days off had been great rest, which he wanted, but he couldn't sit around and continue to watch the emotional and physical toll it was taking on his members. Hobi was stressed the hell out about Namjoon missing practice, whether he'd admit it or not. Yoongi and Jimin shouldn't be the ones having to attend these meetings just to feel defeated afterwards. Taehyung and Jungkook had cried multiple times because they were so worried about Namjoon's health, and he constantly had to reassure them that he'd be alright. Jin had gone full caretaker mode, making those extra soups and teas when realistically there was no reason for him to be doing that.

He couldn't help but feel as though being the leader was his burden to bare, and he'd do anything for his group even if it meant having to do a little extra work sometimes. He'd rather it be him stressed out than the others. Personally, he felt like he could handle the extra demands a bit better than the rest of them. Although if he were to say that to Yoongi, he knew his hyung might argue with that statement.

The next morning was like magic to the others.

"I'm feeling so much better!" Namjoon was chipper and walked around the dorm like nothing had happened.

The members couldn't believe how things had suddenly changed overnight, but they were absolutely ecstatic that Namjoon would be able to get back to work. Yoongi and Jimin were especially happy that they would no longer have to step into those leader meetings, although they had done it completely voluntarily anyway.

Anything for their leader.

"Yay! Joonie hyungie is feeling better!" Jungkook wrapped his arms around Namjoon's waist and hugged him tightly. "About time!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm glad to be feeling better."

"I'm glad too, because you have a lot of dance moves to learn my friend." Hobi gave a sly smile as he squeezed Namjoon's shoulder.

Namjoon smiled and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah."

First order of business for the day was in fact dance practice. They got right to the studio and while the others were in position doing moves, Namjoon had to privately learn a few more things from Hobi before he could join the rest of the team.

As if the universe decided to punish Namjoon for the current lie he'd just been living, a wave of nausea hit him like a bag of bricks. In the middle of doing a dance move he covered his mouth while he sprinted to the nearest trash can and expelled his breakfast.

It didn't stop for almost three minutes straight.

"Hyung!" Taehyung was the first to run over and start patting Namjoon on his back. "Oh no! You must have not been feeling as well as you thought."

The rest of the members were quickly at Namjoon's side to rub his back and offer him sips of water.

Namjoon burst into tears.

There is no way this is actually happening to me.

Karma is, in fact, a bitch.

Namjoon continued to heave as he attempted to catch his breath through his sickness and tears. "I-I'm s-s-o sorry. I'm so sorry. I-"

"Shh, it's okay, try to relax." Yoongi held a water bottle up to Namjoon's lips as the leader took small sips to wash out the nasty taste in his mouth.

Yoongi offered to immediately bring Namjoon back home, making sure he was equipped with a bucket for the car ride. The elder decided to stay home with Namjoon for the rest of the day to keep an eye on him, especially because even though Namjoon had been 'sick' for days, this was the first day it seemed to actually be striking him fiercely.

Namjoon was curled up under his covers, drenched in sweat and shaking. Yoongi used his fingers to gently brush some stray strands of hair out of Namjoon's eyes. "Is there anything you need from me? I don't make soup or tea as good as Jin but I can try."

"No thank you," Namjoon replied with quivering lips. He didn't know what felt worse, his stomach or his head. Or his heart, for lying to his members and now having to bare the weight of that lie which in the end only ended up making things worse for him and everyone else instead of better.

"I know you don't want to hear this, Joonie," Yoongi said as he took a seat on Namjoon's bed, "but you've been quite sick for a while now. At this point maybe it's time you go to the doctor. What if something is seriously wrong?"

Those words made internal sirens and alarms go off within Namjoon. He absolutely hated the doctor's office. "It's not that serious, I'm sure it's fine."

"It's been days..."

Namjoon squeezed the bridge of his nose and Yoongi could see the slight hesitation in Namjoon's expression. With a deep sigh, Namjoon finally admitted what he had done. "No it hasn't, hyung. I was lying."

"What?" Yoongi raised an eyebrow, he genuinely had no idea what Namjoon was trying to say.

"I wasn't sick before today. I lied so I could rest. I'm so sorry. Please don't be too angry with me. I faked being sick, but this morning it would appear that after all that, I ended up getting sick for real. Again, I'm so sorry."

"Hm," was all Yoongi said.

Namjoon felt his heart pounding in his chest as he awaited a proper scolding from his hyung for stressing everyone out like this, so when that scolding didn't happen he was quite surprised. In fact, Yoongi smiled.

"Don't beat yourself up over it, Joon. We've been doing this for years. You think we haven't all told a little white lie here and there to get out of having to go to work?"

Namjoon couldn't help but laugh. "I suppose I'm not the first." He hadn't even considered that before this moment, but it did make perfect sense. There were definitely times when someone else was sick and then was magically better quite quickly.

"All you can do now is work on getting better, for real this time." Yoongi patted Namjoon on the back as he got up to leave. He stopped at the door before entering the hall and turned back to Namjoon, winking. "This can be our little secret."

Namjoon smiled, and within only a few minutes fell into a deep sleep. He was so sick that he hadn't woken up until the next day even though the others were poking and prodding at him to make sure he was breathing.

The nausea came and went in waves, as did the severe migraines and runny nose. He didn't know what the hell he ended up catching but it was ravaging its way full force through his body. When he was awake he couldn't eat as he spent the majority of his waking hours in the bathroom.

This lasted for days. As he laid in his bed at the mercy of his members tending to him, sadness hit harder than he expected.

This time it wasn't guilt, but an odd sort of remorse. He didn't know it was possible but he was sad that he wasn't at work, and he was sad that he couldn't do his duties as leader. Now that he honestly couldn't do his usual tasks, he craved it. He wanted to be at dance practice. He wanted to be in the leader meetings to know what was going on, especially considering Jimin was still struggling with taking notes.

He felt quite left out. Like he'd lost his purpose. He realized that he'd rather be occupied with days full of work. Even if it came with some stress, it still gave him a sense of production and responsibility that he loved.

It was much, much, better than feeling like he was going to die in his bed. He suddenly felt like he'd taken his role for granted. How amazing is it, truly, to be able to say that I am the leader of BTS?

He suddenly craved being back at work, hoping to never be sick again. With the help of his members he was able to recuperate within a few days. They all got right back to tending to his every waking need. Yoongi really did keep it a secret and never once told the others that Namjoon had faked being sick. He was sure one day he'd admit it, but right now he was thankful it was one thing Yoongi helped him feel less guilty about.

Now, finally, after almost an entire week and a half of being out of work, Namjoon truly was feeling better. Well enough to go to work, dance, and do whatever he had to do to play catch up.

He was finally able to get studio work done and learn some choreography. And to his surprise, when a manager came over to him to ask him if he was ready for their meeting, the leader shot up to his feet with excitement.

"Absolutely I'm ready, more than ever!"

And he meant it, because being the leader was something he was never willing to give up on.

No matter what.

[The End]
[🛑New Requests Closed🛑]