☆

THE REST OF HER NIGHT IN LONDON HAD BEEN BLURRY. Clara had consumed too much alcohol to even remember the events that occurred after the bathroom. She had remembered Nadia though. She had remembered the Tokyo and the adrenaline that pumped through her veins after she had taken it. She remembered the thrill. The feeling of the world at her fingertips.

Clara had woken up the morning after feeling like she'd been steamrolled by a freight train. She was still wearing the borrowed green dress and her once perfect makeup was smeared across both her face and the pillowcase. When Ada had finally woken up from beside the girl, the two had simultaneously groaned and promptly fell back asleep until James came knocking on the door well past noon.

When they had finally woken up, the two had to rush to get changed so that Clara could catch the train back to Small Heath on time.

That had been almost two weeks ago.

As soon as Clara had arrived back in Small Heath, she had taken all of her school books and work to Polly's, where she'd spent her evenings studying and embracing the quietness and peace. Pol hadn't minded, especially not when Clara practically begged to stay for a few days. She'd spent her days studying and when her exams arrived, she would join Michael in the morning on his way to work and sprint the rest of the way to the school.

Her mind wasn't as clear as she wished and the moments of serenity she was provided with came in the form of sleep, yet even then she was haunted by flawed dreams. Dreams that shook her so hard she'd jolt up and forget where she was. Perhaps it was the stress or just overall angst. She dreamt of failing, of damned screams, or she dreamt of things she didn't understand what was so scary about them but she had awoken abruptly nevertheless.

Clara's exams had fortunately ended as quickly as they had begun. Yet her restless mind still reeled. She was still plagued by the knowledge she'd recently obtained in London.

The Shelby girl was in love.

Yes, she was in love. The fickle thing she knew nothing about. Compared to the blurred memories she had of London and the 43 Club, the fact she was in love stood out like a gathering of flashing lights dispersing the fog. It had stood out like an ink spill on the whitest of papers, like a blossoming flower in the centre of a war zone.

It was there, and undeniably so.

The matter had plagued her all through her exams, as had the blonde girl herself. Penny had refused to speak to the girl. She had turned a blind eye to all the notes passed to her and the longing looks. She wouldn't acknowledge the pining Shelby girl. Clara couldn't blame her. The Shelby girl had tried to speak to her on many occasions only to be shunned and ignored.

Maybe Clara hadn't tried hard enough. Maybe she hadn't let it be known that she felt the same way the blonde felt. The Shelby girl was nothing but determined. After her failed attempts to grab the blonde's attention during the exam period, she'd decided to wait until the exams were finished.

Maybe after the stress had passed, Penny would at least give her a chance.

At least, Clara hoped she would.

And that's what led to the Shelby girl running towards Penny Crawford, through the streets of Small Heath, trying to catch up with the blonde.

"Penny!" She called, her straggled hair floating behind her as she sprinted. The blonde girl glanced behind her but kept walking, her pace a bit slower than before.

Clara bit back her smile, her teeth sinking into her lip.

She had a chance.

As Clara approached the blonde, she slowed as she tried to steady her thumping heart and laboured breaths. The Shelby girl took a deep breath in before she

"Penny, I need to talk to you," Clara spoke, her hand reaching for the blonde's arm before she carefully pulled it away.

"I can't, Clara," Penny averted her gaze. The Shelby girl's eyes widened as she dodged a group of people as she continued to match Penny's pace.

"Penny...please," Clara pleaded, her eyes wide and begging. Penny finally looked at the girl.

Under the blonde's eyes lay two black bags almost like darkened bruises, but Clara knew the girl well enough to guess that it had just been from lack of sleep. Her hand trailed up to Penny's face, her thumb stroked just below her eye, outlining the bags that stood out against the porcelain skin. The blonde shook her head and pushed away from the hand.

"Fine, you want to talk?" Penny whispered, her angry edge not going unnoticed. "Let's talk." She cautiously looked around before pulling the girl into a nearby alley.

"I have loved you for two years straight," Penny stated, her eyes glazed and cold. "Two years, I've loved you for every second and you left me standing there...like an idiot."

"I know, and I—"

"Do you?" Penny questioned, her brows scrunched, "Look, you do realise that what we have and what we do isn't allowed?...and every day, I risk everything just to be with you. Hell, even right now, speaking with you could lead to us being thrown into a cell if anyone sees anything suspicious."

"I-I wouldn't let them put you in a cell," Clara stumbled as the conversation switched directions.

"You wouldn't be able to stop them!" Penny burst, "You think your family would bail you out of this one? With the crimes you're accused of? Clara, what we do is wrong to everyone, both morally and legally, they won't be able to help you. Who knows if they'd even try? They could hate you for this. This is wrong and I know it and I hate that I keep getting drawn back in."

"I know it's wrong, but that's never stopped us before," Clara spoke out of her gritted teeth. "Please just hear me out, just listen to me."

"Why? So you can tell me some excuse about how I'm an escape and how you're sorry, but when in reality this whole argument will probably repeat itself in the future?" Penny's eyes burned in anger, a singular tear trickling down her face. "I don't want to hear it, Clara..."

"If you'd just bloody listen!" The Shelby girl pleaded.

"I am...and I've listened, I've comforted, I've put my own feelings behind me to focus on you. I can't do it anymore."

Clara closed her mouth. Her face grew hot as she gulped nervously. Her mouth was dry.

"—and the worst thing is, I still love you...despite everything. I stuck by you through everything, maybe I was stupid to think you could actually love me."

"Penny, you're not stupid, I—"

"I was stupid, but...I think...I think I've figured it out."

"And what did you figure out?" Clara hesitantly asked while Penny looked away.

"I can't keep doing this anymore," the blonde took in a shaky breath. "this whole back and forth, walking a tightrope thing. It's not fair on either of us. It's not fair on me."

"Penny, stop, please, I lo—" Clara began once more before she was interrupted.

"And I think we just need to stop whatever this is, it all just needs to stop." Penny finally cried in frustration, her tears sliding down her reddened cheeks. "Because I can't spend any more sleepless nights, tossing and turning and wondering if you actually like me or if you're just using me to rebel."

Clara's jaw clenched, "I would never do that, you know me." She stated in disbelief.

"Do I? Because I thought I knew and trusted you enough to say it back to me, but you didn't and here we are." Penny shook her head. "I can't take it anymore. I love you and if that isn't enough...maybe you should just go."

"But it is enough, and if you'd just let me—" Clara desperately rambled.

"Explain? You don't have to," Penny sniffed, "just please go...I can't keep playing this childish game."

"It's not a game to me, Pen!" Clara snapped, "It's never been a game!"

"Then what is it, Clara? You won't even give us a name!"

"For our own safety!"

"So, now you're concerned for our safety?" Penny blurted.

"Isn't your whole argument based on safety?" Clara questioned. "I just want to protect you!"

"But you haven't been protecting me!" Penny sniped, "you've been protecting yourself this whole time! You don't even stop to think about what I feel!"

"Do you really think that?" Clara asked bitterly, taking a step away from the girl in disbelief. "Everything I have ever done was for you, and yes maybe I have been selfish at times...I know that and I've made you deal with things you shouldn't have to deal with, and I'm sorry for that, but I never disregarded what you thought or felt."

"Clara, you disregarded what I felt in the park..."

"But I didn't...maybe I did...but I understood how you felt—"

"You just couldn't reciprocate?" Penny sniffed.

Clara sucked in a breath, her hands were beginning to shake.

"No...I couldn't, not then. I was a mess that day, you saw how I was when you found me," Clara admitted as she ran a hand through her hair. "That mess along with you telling me you loved me? I couldn't process anything."

"Well...I can't and won't be a burden...love's not meant to be like that," Penny was now trembling as she spoke.

"Pen, you're not a burden, you never could be...I love you," Clara blurted as she stepped closer to the girl. The blonde let more tears fall.

"No...you don't," Penny sniffled, "You're just saying that because you're losing me and it won't work." Clara's heart dropped into her stomach. "Y'know I've been thinking a lot over the last week and, uh, I...I think I've known that we needed to stop this since you came to me the night of our fight."

"So this is it?" Clara tilted her head, her teeth gnawing into her bottom lip as her eyes burned. She wouldn't allow herself to cry, even if her heart craved the release. The girl knew that Penny could tell she was breaking. Penny could always tell. "After everything? You want to stop?"

"This is it," the blonde nodded, her shoulders shaking as more tears fell. "We can't be safe—I can't be safe with you, not just because of our love but because..."

"What? Because I'm a Shelby." Clara snapped angrily, immediately regretting it.

"Yeah...because you're a Shelby." Penny avoided her eyes. "Because you attract trouble, and I can't put my family through that."

Clara froze in her spot. She couldn't move, couldn't breathe, couldn't think. All the soothing words Penny had once said in regards to her last name had been used as a foundation in Clara's mind. A reason as to not lower herself to the fearsome last name she carried. And now that foundation was gone and she was crumbling.

Clara took a shaky breath in, her eyes on the ground. "And is there anything I can do to change that..?" She asked tentatively, her voice quiet and rather frail.

"No," Penny admitted sadly, "Not this time."

"Fine...just leave me then, eh?" She sniffed. "You won't see me ever again. That's what you want, isn't it?"

"I've...I, uh, I'm gonna leave now...goodbye, Clara."

Clara didn't answer. She remained silent until the blonde had disappeared out of her sight, taking the Shelby girl's heart with her. She hadn't gotten an answer to her question, and she couldn't tell if that was good or bad.

"I'm sorry, Angel," she whispered as her voice cracked. Her head was tilted up towards the gloomy sky. "I'm so sorry."

☆

CLARA DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING. She didn't feel time passing as she stayed in the alley, she didn't feel the rain beginning to pour, she didn't feel the shivers that swept her body. Clara felt nothing as she eventually pushed herself up from the ground she'd slid down onto. She felt nothing as she began to walk through puddles and dirt. She felt nothing.

It was quite a scary emptiness. No overwhelming emotion to hide behind. No sense of cover.

Clara kept her head down as she walked, her chin tucked against her chest. She didn't flinch as the factory entrances banged and sparked, she didn't even bat an eye. The people that passed her were blurred, their faces lost in the midst of the smoke, rain and fog. She felt like a ghost. Maybe she was, but even ghosts felt things...right?

Clara let the raindrops cascade down her face. It was as if the rain was trying to make up for her lack of tears or sadness as if it was trying to push emotion into her. The girl's hands were clenched tight in her pockets. She could feel a wetness on the tips of her fingers from where they dug into her palms. She didn't feel the pain though. No pain, no sadness, no anger. Just empty.

Clara's shoulders were hunched, opposing her usual confident gait. Every so often her eyes flitted up from the ground, and she swore she saw Penny in the distance but then she'd blink and the girl would be gone. It felt as if someone was breathing down her neck and causing each little hair to stand to attention.

Her body shook underneath her wet clothes. Clara wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. She wanted to crawl into bed and forget this day. She was alone. And she liked being alone, but being alone and feeling alone were two very different things.

Her face remained straight as she found her way down Watery Lane. She'd be in bed in mere minutes. All she had to do was push herself for another few minutes.

Clara's shaky hand twisted around the door handle to number six. It was open. Someone was home. She just hoped they were in the den or parlour so she could bypass them without conversation. She slowly opened the stiff door, leaning her weight against the wood. She could hear hushed voices in the kitchen that got quieter as she opened the door.

Clara looked at the ground as she closed the door behind her, not bothering to kick off her boots. The voices had completely quietened and as her hand left the door, she looked up.

Her entire family began cheering and clapping as she flinched. Everyone was there. Tommy, Arthur, Pol, Michael, Finn, John and Esme and they were all clapping and smiling for the girl. Clara didn't move. She felt cemented to the floor.

"THERE SHE IS!" Arthur boomed, holding out his arms energetically. "OUR BLOODY KNOW IT ALL IS HERE!"

Clara's chest began to rise and fall quicker than usual. Her eyes glanced around the kitchen, skimming over her aunt and cousins and brothers. She looked at Finn whose eyebrows were furrowed as his clapping faltered. He knew something was off.

"WELL, COME ON!" John yelled, "YOU FINISHED EXAMS, AND NAILED THEM, NO DOUBT!"

"NO DOUBT!" Arthur echoed, but Clara didn't move.

And suddenly it all came in tidal waves.

Her hands shook, her heart's pounding growing rapidly. Her emotions bunged on top of her and engulfed her, dragging her into the sea of feeling and she was drowning. Sucking in water instead of air, her lungs compressing and getting heavier by the second. Her hands pulled at her wet collar, trying to loosen it. The edges of her vision blackened as she stumbled backwards.

She could see faces popping in and out of her vision as they came closer, hands on her shoulders as she pushed back away from them. Clara could feel water brimming the edge of her eyes. As her hand blindly locked around the brass door handle. She frantically pulled open the door, kicking as someone tried to close it. Her fist swung around, connecting with something before she tripped out of the door. Her palms smacked against the gravel and dirt as she fell. Clara scrambled to push herself to her feet. Her hands were red. Her frantic eyes scanned the hands. They felt unfamiliar like they weren't hers. She shook her head, she could feel the people behind her trying to help but she kicked and hit them away.

She needed to leave.

She needed to run.

Clara could hear Penny's previous words ring in her ears.

"You always do this! You always run away at the first sign of trouble!"

Clara clutched her ears as the rain poured down harder. She needed it to stop, for all of it to stop.

So she ran.

She ignored the yells behind her and the pounding footsteps that followed. She had to lose them. Clara pushed her legs faster, weaving in and out of alleys. Every muscle in her body was straining, the blood pumping unsteadily through her body as she struggled to intake air. She felt like her brain was on fire as it burned the basic memories of how to breathe and how to stop.

"I can't do this anymore,"

"Yeah...because you're a Shelby."

"Clara, what we do is wrong to everyone, both morally and legally, they won't be able to help you."

"Who knows if they'd even try? They could hate you for this."

"You haven't been protecting me! You've been protecting yourself this whole time!"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" She pleaded as she clutched her ears as Penny's voice floated through the air, and cut through her skin as easily as knives.

She practically slipped down a set of stone stairs. The canal water was glittering under the shining moon. Clara ran straight, her head pointed down to the cobblestones. Her heart was racing, her lungs compressing even further. The rain above had stopped falling and as she looked up to check what had stopped it, she realised where she was.

The canal.

The wall.

The murky water.

The gravel ground.

And all of a sudden she was that scared fourteen year old pinned against the wall by the man she'd killed.

Clara clutched her chest with one hand whilst the other clawed at her neck. She stumbled backwards. She couldn't see. Her vision blackened as she fell back, her hands taking the impact of the fall. Clara scrubbed her eyes, cries falling from her lips as she brought her knees to her chest. Her hands went to her hair and squeezed the roots, rocking slightly as she sobbed. The girl's face pulled back as she cried into her knees, her head buried between her knees.

She heard a series of clattered footsteps approaching her, slowing as they got closer. Clara couldn't see, but that didn't stop her from jumping to her feet and drawing her gun from its holster.

"GET BACK!" She screamed, her terror clutching her heart in a tight grip. "GET THE FUCK BACK!" She could hear a series of swears as she turned, pointing the gun at the noise. "OR I SWEAR I'LL FUCKING SHOOT YA!"

Clara's chest heaved, her arms trembling as she held the gun. The ringing and the rumbling in her began to break and clear as snippets of words swept through her.

"Clara," the person called out calmly as if they were approaching a wild animal rather than a human. "put the gun down! It's me, eh? Just me." Clara shook her head, her lip quivering as she shifted. She let out a sharp cry as the person suddenly lunged and knocked the weapon out of her hands.

"NO!" She bellowed, tears streaming down her face. "No, no, no, no, no, no!" She felt two arms wrap around her, bringing her close to the person's chest as they led the two back away from the canal. "STOP! FUCK OFF!"

Clara struggled to break free. Her knees buckled as she tried to hit and kick the person holding her. She screamed and yelled as the person brought her towards the wall and sat her against it.

Wall.

Stability.

"Eh? C'mon now, give me your hand," the person's voice was muffled and broken. The girl only caught snippets of what he was saying. She could feel her hand being moved backwards and being pressed against the brick.

She took a shuddered breath in, her chest collapsing as her bloodied hands pressed against the cool stone. Walls. Stability. Wall. Stability. In. Out. In. Out. Clara's chest opened as she took a deep inhale of air.

"There you go," the person sighed. Clara squeezed her eyes shut, repeating the pattern in her head.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Clara slowly pried her eyes open. She could see the person crouched beside her through her blurry vision, someone else lingering behind them.

"Tommy?" She croaked in disbelief, squinting as more tears fell.

"Yeah," the man cleared his throat, looking around. "It's me." He turned to look behind him at the figure who loomed closer. "Finn, tell Arthur and John, I found her."

Clara took a deep breath in. She looked like a fool. What was she doing? But she could hold the heartbreak no longer and she fell to the floor in a dishevelled heap as her grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable tears. Her hands moved from the wall to her hair, gripping her roots once more.

"Alright, c'mon," Tommy muttered. She was being an inconvenience. She knew it. "That's it."

Clara shook her head and inched away from her brother. She moved her body away from him as she kept her knees pressed against her chest. She was being stupid...but it wouldn't stop. She buried her head in her arms, her body furiously shaking.

She needed to pull herself together.

She could feel her brother shifting on his feet as he sat back against the wall beside her. Clara felt a warm heat spread across her face as she gulped. She was being silly...stupid even. She looked ridiculous.

She had to stop.

She had to stop.

Clara took a deep breath in as she wiped her red eyes, trying to rid the tears and the stains they left in her blotchy face. She had to stop. She squeezed her eyes shut, squeezing her head just as tightly. The girl took a few more unsteady breaths while she focused on the wall behind her. She had to stop.

She heard the noise of Tommy's voice but the words were indecipherable, so Clara didn't say anything. Tommy huffed loudly before he sat and waited until the girl had unsteadily pushed herself to her feet, her clothes dripping from the rain. He stood up beside her, dusting the dirt off of him as the girl folded her arms over her hunched figure. He placed a hand on her shoulder, gesturing for her to walk as she looked up at him.

"C'mon, let me show you something," Tommy cleared his throat. Clara halfheartedly shook her head.

"I just wanna go home," she sniffed, her head pounding as she walked. "Just let me go home."

"One stop," He stated, "that's all."

And Tommy hadn't lied. It had been a twenty-minute walk from the canal edge to the Shelby Company Limited offices. Clara kept her arms around her, two fingers pressed against her heart as if reminding herself she was alive. As they stepped inside out of the room, she shivered, her wet clothes causing water to seep into her cold skin.

Clara gritted her teeth to stop them from chattering. She followed her brother up the wooden stairs which creaked loudly under their feet, their footsteps echoing through the building. Her shoulders remained hunched, her eyes on the ground.

"Right through here," Tommy instructed, gesturing inside an empty office. Clara entered the office, her muddy footprints tracking across the wooden floor. "Take a good look around."

Clara sniffed, turning in a slow circle. The room was sparsely furnished with a few shelves and lamps. It was spacious but smaller than Tommy's, it would fit what it needed to fit. There was a window on the far wall, the streetlights from below bounced off the pane of glass.

"Yeah, it's alrigh'..." she muttered, turning back towards Tommy. "Why am I here?"

"This..." Her brother started, "is yours. I was going to show you tonight after the celebrations, but..." Clara's head hung in shame. "Michael's is across from yours, right through there." He pointed behind them, as the girl's eyes slowly drifted up.

"Yeah? Is he any good?" Clara asked, her voice wavering as she cleared her throat.

"He's good...he knows numbers," Tommy answered briefly.

"I'd be better," Clara croaked, her usual sarcasm laced her tone, causing the man's lips to lift in a half-smile.

"Maybe," Tommy nodded, "but I don't need you working with numbers...not yet."

"Not yet?"

"Not yet."

"Yeah...it's, uh...nice," Clara sniffled, brushing back pieces of her wet hair. "but uh...there's no desk."

"You'll get your desk when you get the job," Tommy answered.

"Thought I already got the job?"

"Fine, when you start the job, you get a desk."

Clara nodded and looked around, her face straight and unmoving. She examined every nook as her brother merely stood and watched. The girl travelled towards the window, her finger lazily mimicking the raindrop that was trailing down the window. She leaned back on the window sill, her eyes still flitting around.

She felt miserable. She should've been grateful. She should've thanked Tommy or bounced happily around the office, but she couldn't. She only felt shame. Shame and regret and loss and hurt. She looked down at her hands. They were dirty and bloody, scarred from past injuries. They were shaky, her nails dark and caked in mud. If those were her hands, just how bad did the rest of her look?

She assumed she looked pitiful, pitiful enough for Tommy to bring her here. She scoffed at her poignant state. It was her fault. All of it. What right did she have to be miserable? What right did she have to act a fool? To embarrass herself in front of her family?

She was being stupid.

Clara lightly ran her finger along the crack in the windowsill. The pads of her fingertips pressed against the wood because if she needed anything, it would be stability.

And she needed it badly.

☆

CLARA AND PENNY ARE SIXTEEN, THEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH CONFLICT!! anyways before you hate me, please understand!

HELLO MY GORGEOUS, BEAUTIFUL READERS! How are you on this fine Friday?

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, feel free to leave a few comments and a vote if you did and I shall see you next week <3

LOVE YOU ( and here's your weekly meme )