Chapter 6

I had a boyfriend when I was in grade seven. He was a fourth year high school student at that time. Hindi ko siya kilala noon. Ang totoong crush ko no'n ay si Eli na mukhang hindi naman ako gusto pabalik.

Maybe, during that time, I was looking for the affection I couldn't get from Eli. I was a teenager curious about love. I was curious about relationships and that curiosity led me to this guy.

I always sat at the bench beside the open court near the junior high school Building at nanonood sa mga naglalarong fourth year students sa baskeball court kapag hinihintay ko si Eli pagkatapos ng klase. Kahit hindi ako mahilig sa sports, nagugustuhan kong manood ng mga laro dahil sa galing ng karamihan doon.

I met him because he first approached me. Hiningi niya ang number ko isang beses nang hintayin ko ulit si Eli sa gilid ng court at nagbigay naman ako ng number.

We texted for three months. Nakita ko ang mga efforts niya para sa 'kin. Tulad na lang ng kapag naglalaro siya ng basketball kasama ang mga kaibigan niya, he would really stop whatever he was doing just so he could reply to my texts. Hindi kami sabay ng break time pero pinagre-reserve niya ako ng pagkain sa canteen dahil madalas na nagkakaubusan ng pagkain doon. Maybe that was why I became so dependent on him.

Hindi alam ni Eli 'yon dahil hindi ko sinasabi. Baka kasi sabihin niya kay Daddy at ayaw ko namang magalit si Daddy sa 'kin dahil pakiramdam ko ay ayaw pa ni Daddy na mag-boyfriend ako no'ng mga panahong 'yon. Isama pa na masyadong matanda ang fourth year high school student para sa isang grade seven.

Eventually, I fell for him. We became a couple. He was very sweet. Sikreto ang relasyon namin sa mga kaklase ko dahil ayaw kong malaman ni Eli. Sikreto rin kay Daddy dahil ayaw ko ring malaman niya.

Pero siya, he wanted to introduce me to his family. I realized, then, that he was serious about our relationship. But I was too scared that time. I didn't want to meet his parents. Inintindi niya 'yon kahit na alam kong nalungkot siya sa desisyon ko.

He was so happy to be with me. I felt that. I was very happy too that it became too much. I became toxic. I became too greedy and confident.

He couldn't afford these expensive shoes he wanted so I bought them for him. He was so angry that time and he told me that he didn't love me just so I could buy him the things he wanted to have.

Whenever I wanted to be with him, I would force him to go to me kahit na ang ibig sabihin n'on ay kailangan niyang i-ditch ang mga kaibigan, practice ng varsity, at ang mga klase niya para mapuntahan lang ako. I was so clingy and cruel that he got so tired of it and he broke up with me. Even his friends got angry with me. His basketball team was also mad at me. Their coach was always pissed with me.

Hinabol ko siya. I wanted to tell him so many things. Na gusto ko siya. Na ginawa ko lang naman 'yon kasi mahal ko siya. Na akala ko ba mahal niya ako pero bakit nagsawa siya?

Na nagmahal lang naman ako, bakit ako naging mali?

Na akala ko ba kapag nagmahal ka, tama?

I was too childish and unreasonable. The relationship wasn't healthy and I realized that I should stop. I realized that I was wrong. He didn't deserve that kind of cruelty. He was kind, gentle, and loving, yet I became a monster who destroyed him.

He didn't get the varsity scholarship he wanted from his dream university. He failed some subjects. He lost some friends. All because of me.

He tried to reconnect with me months after the breakup, but I realized that I was too guilty to even talk to him again.

Nang malaman ni Eli, sobra siyang nagalit sa 'kin. Lalo na no'ng umiyak ako dahil do'n. I was so scared he'd tell Dad, pero hindi niya 'yon ginawa.

Hindi ako kinausap ni Eli noon ng halos isang buwan. Kinausap niya lang ulit ako nang nag-sorry ako sa pangsampung beses. After my first relationship, I changed.

Hindi ko na ulit nakita ang ex ko pagkatapos niyang magtapos ng high school. Hanggang ngayon, gusto kong humingi ng tawad sa kaniya sa lahat ng ginawa ko sa kaniya.

I realized that there's no wrong love—the way we express it is what's wrong.

Love is not selfish. Love is when you think about the other person's happiness above yours.

At no'ng ibinigay ko sa kaniya ang lahat ng mga mamahaling bagay na iniregalo ko, I knew that I did that to satisfy myself. He didn't like what I did but I was so full of pride that I thought I did nothing wrong. I realized that it was selfishness. I realized that I wasn't thinking about him at all.

Eli:
I'll pick you up in 10. I have no one to pick up.

Iyon ang text sa akin ni Eli kinaumagahan. Napakunot ang noo ko habang nginunguya ang bacon na isa sa mga agahang inihanda ng helper namin para sa 'kin.

He sounds like he doesn't have a choice.

Cyra:
Bakit? Are you a driver now?

Napatingin ako sa relo ko. It's stil 7:10 AM. Ang aga niya, ah?

Eli:
I can be your driver forever, sugar.

Cyra:
Sure, Mr. Driver.

After I brush my teeth, I immediately prepare my things for school. I check my face in the mirror one more time before I open my phone.

There are two texts from Eli.

Eli:
Nice one, Cyra.
I'm here.

Lumabas na ako ng bahay. Nasa tapat na ng gate namin ang sasakyan ni Eli kaya lumabas na ako kaagad ng gate. Pumasok ako kaagad sa kotse niya.

"This is refreshing," ani Eli habang nakangiti pang pinaandar ang kotse niya. "No more other girl on my passenger's seat."

Umirap ako at napangiti na rin dahil sa sinabi niya. I'm happy, too. Maybe more than you are.

"She's the type of girl who won't just let you go," I say. "I can sense it."

Napailing si Eli pero nakangiti pa rin, hindi kinontra ang sinabi ko dahil alam niyang totoo.

We reach the school and attend the morning ceremony before we head back to our classrooms. Sa umagang 'yon, ang class adviser namin ang humarap sa 'min. She's leaning against the teacher's table while telling my classmates to finally settle down.

Eli sits beside me at pumangalumbaba pa sa mesa ko bago pinagmasdan ang adviser namin na nakatayo sa harapan at nagsisimula nang mapikon dahil sa maingay na klase.

"Mahigit isang buwan pa lang kayong nagiging magkakaklase pero ang iingay n'yo na!" she angrily says. "Settle down!"

Unti-unting umayos ang klase nang sabihin 'yon ng adviser at tinulungan pa ng class president sa pagpapatahimik. Inayos ng adviser namin ang blouse niya bago pormal na humarap sa 'min.

"You have a new classmate," aniya.

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata ko at mabilis na kinalabit si Chester na nakaupo sa harap ko. Kaagad naman siyang napalingon sa 'kin, pati na rin si Eli na mukhang mas naging interesado sa sasabihin ko kay Chester kaysa sa adviser naming nakatayo sa harap.

"Pinsan mo?" I ask.

Ngumisi sa 'kin si Chester. "I told you she'll transfer here."

I roam my eyes around our classroom to find an unfamiliar face. Hindi ako nahirapang hanapin ang bagong kaklase dahil nasa harapan lang naman siya at naghihintay na ipakilala ng adviser namin.

She looks very shy. Ang buhok niya ay maayos na nakalugay sa likod niya at halos hindi siya makatingin sa 'min. Pulang-pula ang mukha niya at halatang gusto nang magpakain sa lupa.

Is she really Chester's cousin? Napunta ba kay Chester ang confidence na para dapat sa kaniya?

When she starts to introduce herself, she stutters so badly. Bahagya akong napangiwi. Ako na ang naaawa sa kaniya dahil kailangan niyang gawin itong bagay na 'to na halata namang labas sa comfort zone niya.

Napayuko si Eli sa arm chair ng upuan niya at nakita ko ang pagkairita niya sa pagkautal ng nagpapakilala sa harap. I chuckle and he looks at me.

Nagpigil siya ng ngiti. "I can't listen to this," aniya at bahagyang napahalakhak.

Napailing ako at napatingin ulit sa harap.

Nang mapatingin ang bago naming kaklase sa gawi namin ay mas lalo siyang namula. Napailing ako at pumangalumbaba bago tiningnan ang phone na nag-vibrate. Nagtago ako sa likod ni Chester at sumandal sa pader bago binuksan ang bagong dating na chat para hindi makita ng teacher. Bawal kasi kaming mag-phone sa klase.

Lester de Ayala:
Hey. 'Sup?

Cyra Lim:
I'm in class right now.

Lester de Ayala:
Oh, right.
Chat you later.

Nang mapatingin ako kay Eli ay naabutan ko siyang nakatingin sa 'kin. He raises a brow at me and I frown at him before I put my phone down and look at the transferee again.

"Who's that?" he asks.

"Friend." I shrug.

"Phones are not allowed during class," aniya.

"Kaya nga ako nagtago." I smirk.

Umirap si Eli at tumingin ulit sa harapan. He looks irritated and I can hear him whispering something I can't understand.