CHAPTER TWO

Masuk

We were supposed to meet at the cinema. Tir had been looking forward to us spending some time together since school and work has been keeping us busy for a while now. I promised to meet him outside the cinema but he ended up going in without me because I was running late. If I had been a little earlier if I hadn't stayed too long at work, would I have been able to save him?

I woke up with this thought in my head that morning. The first thing I see after the ceiling is the picture of Tir on my nightstand. I keep it there for this reason. Sometimes the sight of it coupled with a dream like this would send me into a spiral of depression for days, sometimes it was my reason to get up in the morning. This time was the former.

I lied to Jia yesterday when I said I was going to school. I wasn't going to go. The thought of doing anything other than lying on this bed all day drained me.

I rolled onto the other side of the bed and pulled the covers over my head. An hour or so, I am not sure, I hear someone at my door knocking. I don't want to get up. I don't want to see anyone or speak to anyone. I wish I could just fade away without anyone caring.

"Masuk? Are you in there?" the person was insistent. I recognize the voice as Sun's. I know he just wants to make plans. Plans. I really don't want to do anything at all today.

I ignore the knock although it was persistent until Sun stopped and went away. Maybe he thought I wasn't in, maybe he got tired of knocking, either way, I can finally return to sleep without the noise.

My phone starts ringing. I would let it ring but my eyes moved faster than my brain and I saw Jia's name. I remember last night and something unusual flittered through my thoughts. I felt it was curiosity. Jia and I always kept a simple relationship that was mostly impersonal but yesterday there was something about it that felt different.

"Good morning, Jia," I answered the call.

"Are you still sleeping? I was in your neighborhood and thought I would give you a ride to school."

I sat up faster than I could think. "You are where?!"

I hear him chuckle a little, "in front of your apartment building. Why are you so surprised?"

"T-That's—why are you here"

"I think this is the first time I have heard you stutter, Masuk. Hurry up and get dress. I will be waiting."

"No, listen..." he ended the call before I could tell him I didn't want to go to school. I sigh in irritation. This was so unusual, why was Jia doing something like this.

Despite the annoyance I felt, I still went to get showered and dressed. In the mirror, I saw that I had some dark circles growing under my eyes. Why do I have to put this much effort right now? I hate having to do things that I don't want to do.

My eyes landed on Tir's picture again. "Tir..." I trailed off. He would probably tell me to go if he were here. He would be the one waiting and hurrying me to get up if he was here and it is my fault he isn't. That will always be true and it will never change.

I used some powder to conceal some of the dark circles and walk out of the house. True to what he said Jia was waiting outside next to his car and beside him was Sun.

"Masuk, you finally came out. We are running late already."

We? I noticed that Puth was there too. They were all just doing whatever they wanted, weren't they? "Where do you guys think you are seating?"

"In the car, obviously. Do you still have sleep in your eyes?"

That's my boss's car you are all entering though. I don't think that they know my boss that well to be so carefree.

"We were just keeping him company," Sun said. "How can you let your boss wait for you like this?"

Ashamed, I peaked at Jia but he was just smiling. "Sorry, Jia," I said.

"Don't worry about it. Let's go."

I nodded and followed him. The guys left the front seat for me as a just cause and I had to seat in the uncomfortable air while they chatted away in the back.

When we got to the university, the guys quickly said their thank yous and said their goodbyes, leaving me in a rush as if they couldn't get away fast enough. What is their problem?

"Did I do something unnecessary?" Jia asked from behind me where I stood watching my rude friends walk away. I turned and met his eyes. It was as if those brown eyes wanted to tell me something but I have no idea what they were saying. They were just kind and nice to look at.

"I'm just not used to doing things like this and I already wasn't going to go to school today."

"Ah, sorry."

"It's okay."

"Should I ask why you didn't want to go to school?"

I avoided his gaze. "Just not in the mood. I guess I'll see you this afternoon, Jia."

"Rather than that," I was about to leave but his words stopped me, "do you think you can accompany me somewhere instead, there's something I want to do."

Well, he was my boss he didn't have to ask so nicely. "sure." I nodded. "Then I'm off."

He waved at me until I couldn't see him again. The thought that Jia was actually a pretty caring guy passed me. He was even worried about someone like me. I am not sure how to respond to his concern. It wasn't entirely unpleasant if I was being honest.

That day in the evening, Jia and I ended up in a cinema for some reason.

"Jia, is this the place you wanted us to come to?"

"Yes, "he answered.

"The thing you wanted to do..."

"Research. Couples come here all the time, right? I want to see what they like."

"Huh..." I am still not convinced. A romantic movie was being shown and I couldn't even remember the title. Unable to think of anything more to say, I stopped and fell silent.

Two minutes into the film, I got distracted by a young couple talking to each other and acting cute. The boy brought out a yellow flower and offered the shyly smiling girl. I smiled unconsciously remembering something similar. I was in the girl's position and Tir was the one offering me flowers.

"Be my boyfriend, Masuk," he said out of the blue. We were also in a cinema and our relationship was one of the very close friends but honestly, I wasn't very surprised. At that point, we were already becoming something different from friends.

But I said, "You are joking. If you want to ask someone to be your boyfriend you at least have to bring flowers."

I was only teasing but Tir said, "Check the pocket of that coat."

The coat in question was one he had let me borrow when I was feeling too cold. When I checked, the flower was there. I smiled at it and waved it a little. "Brodiaea? Why? "

And he said...

"Because it is rare," I said out loud unconsciously.

"What is rare," Jia asked next to me.

I blinked a few times before looking at him. "Nothing."

"Masuk, you are awfully romantic, aren't you."

"Why do you say that?" that was a jump in conclusion, wasn't it.

"I can just tell. What do you like to do for entertainment?"

"hm? Nothing." Why was he asking something like that?

"Nothing? Then when you are bored what do you do?"

I gave it a little thought. "Walk? Sometimes I watch people live their lives."

"Eh, that's what you find fun? "

"What do you do, Jia?"

"Read. I love books and I love pretty things."

I smiled and nodded, "I think I already know that."

"Why don't you get a boyfriend, Masuk? Since you are so romantic," he smiled towards the hugging couple. "You should find someone nice to date."

I didn't reply immediately. The noise of the movie filled the silence that stretched. I wasn't intentionally ignoring Jia. I just didn't have the answer. It was a question I never thought he would ask me, honestly. Why has he taken an interest in my life? Jia...

I took a sideways look and found that he wasn't waiting for my answer. He had a contented look on his face, a patient one that pulled my attention completely. When I saw his eyes move towards me I looked away.

"My soulmate just isn't born yet, Jia."

"Oh," he chuckled. "That's a strangely unsurprising answer."

The movie finished without leaving any impression within me. I walked away from the cinema without having gained anything. Curious about what Jia thought, I asked, "Did you get anything good from that?"

He smiled cryptically. "Sure, do you want to know?"

"umm."

"I won't tell you..."

"Huh?"

"But maybe you will be able to figure it out yourself."

The hell... why won't he just tell me. Something loud went off close to the bathroom area and I and others turned to see what was going on.

"Eh, fire!" someone shouted. There was smoke coming out from behind the doors of the bathroom. My body went very still as the smoke began to grow higher and higher.

I could almost see the scene swap places to that one, a year ago. Just like this, I was outside the cinema while it burned. Tir wasn't outside with all of the people that managed to escape. He was still inside. No matter how hard I struggled, no one would let me go into the burning building to get him. Tir didn't come out by himself in the end. He was pulled out with a gurney, and he wasn't breathing.

Asphyxiation they said. Tir was asthmatic and he died from an asthmatic shock. They couldn't get him to the hospital fast enough. If only I had been an hour early if only I hadn't told him to go in without me. If only I had come in time... Tir would still be alive.

Jia

"Are you alright now?" I gave Masuk a glass of water which he collected distractedly. We returned to the store after and I could see that something had him shaken up really bad. After that false alarm at the cinema, Masuk became quiet and stiff. I couldn't read him at all.

Despite my question, Masuk seemed like he still couldn't see me at all. I stretched out my hand to his head wanting to touch him and pull him back from where ever his mind had taken him. It can't be a pleasant place because his face looked so tortured.

I let my hand fall and called his name. "Hey," I said, "what's the matter. You can talk to me, you know."

He slowly raised his eyes and finally acknowledged my presence. He looked like he would start crying. "Jia, do you think that people who died can...do you think that they can still see us?"

Ah, so that's what it was after all, I thought and sat next to him. "Yes, why not. If they love you enough then not even death can keep them away." I smiled and added, "at least that's how I think it would be if I was the one."

"Yeah," he said looking neither happy nor unhappy with my answer.

"Since they might be watching, don't you think you should try to live better, for them?"

"umm."

Masuk looked so shaky as if his presence was flickering in and out steadily and he would fade away at a moment. I can't begin to understand how he was feeling. I have never felt the kind of loss that he is experiencing, but when I think of him suffering, I just can't sit still.

If I want to think about it a little more, even though I don't think I am good enough for Masuk and I definitely don't think I could replace Tir, I think maybe I could be someone he could rely on a little bit.

"Masuk, there is something that I have been dying to say for a while now." I saw him blink out of his mood for a brief second and he looked at me. This feels surreal. Somehow I had his most undivided attention. I became a little tongue-tied.
"What is it, Jia?" he called me with such simplicity, how would he react when I tell him that I have been in love with him for a while now. If I tell him that I wanted to be someone he could rely on, that I wanted to take care of him, would he accept me?

"Jia?" his face comes a little closer to mine that had turned to stare at the floor.

"Masuk, I know you lost someone... your boyfriend. " He shifted back and didn't respond. "I think you need someone to take care of you and I—"

"I don't need anyone, Jia. I don't deserve anyone and no one deserves someone like me. "

"No, Masuk..." he avoided my hand that was trying to hold him.

"Thank you for worrying about me, Jia. I am going now." He didn't wait for me to speak before turning away to leave.

"Ah, "I said out loud, holding my hair. That was a rejection, right? It definitely was.