Chapter Three

Masuk

The next day my depression went even deeper than yesterday. This time I didn't have classes so no one came to bother me. Once, Mon came by just to see if I was still alive, to which I told him to get lost. I wasn't in any mood to tolerate anyone.

After a while of wallowing, I got sick of myself and the walls of my apartment. I left the house and went to a restaurant to buy some fried rice. Didn't waste time with chit chats as I would have before and I saw the waiter who usually served me look at me with worry as I left.

Great, I am making everyone worry about me. This was the one thing I said I wouldn't do. People thought that I should be moving on, that I should somehow act like everything was okay. It's already been a year so I shouldn't be so down, I should get on with my life. For them I put on the façade: going to work, eating, sleeping, and just doing all I can not to curl up somewhere and die.

How did they expect me to move on? Did people really move on from something like this? At some point, I even started to worry that I wasn't normal. I am afraid that people would start asking questions if I didn't act like I was okay. I have to put up the act of being okay just to get them to look the other way, but can I just get a day off for once. I just want to seat somewhere and feel crappy. I want to go through the day without having to force a smile so everyone should just give me a break.

I walked like this until I found the uncle I was looking for. Almost every day I have been coming to feed this uncle. He was a beggar with shaggy hair, dirty clothes, and his bedroom was the street-walk. After meeting him, I couldn't just walk away, so regularly I would come to give him anything I could find.

Today he was stretched out on the floor sleeping. "Uncle, "I said as I sat next to him.

"Oh," he blinked at me. "Boy, you are here."

"Here," I handed over the rice in a takeaway to him. "I got you rice. It's still hot this time."

"I don't mind even if it is cold." He sat up and took the rice from me but as usual, he made no move to eat it. He never eats in front of me.

"What is it boy, your energy is very dark today. Darker than usual."

"Oh," was my only reply. I rest my elbows on my knees and stared off to the distance where cars were driving off to various places.

"What is the matter, boy?"

"Nothing. I just want to..." die. I left that last part unsaid, but I closed my eyes and let self-loathing sweep through me. Maybe it was normal to have moved on and I was just good at failing at everything in my whole life that was why I couldn't do it.

"Did you lose someone?" the question came out of the blue.

I lifted my head but didn't respond. The uncle smiled and said, "It's usually that, "he explained. "You know, the dead follow us especially when we think that we still need them in our lives."

"Are you saying that his... ghost might still be with me here?"

"It is possible. The dead miss the living more than we can know."

I shook my head. "No, I miss him more. If I could go to him I would but I know that he wouldn't let me." my eyes stung a little. It wasn't the first time I considered suicide but I was always unable to go through with it. one, I am a coward, and two when I think of what my friends would have to deal with if I did it, I just couldn't go through with it. Plus Tir's disapproving stare was always watching me.

"Is it hard to live?" the uncle asked me.

"Yes, "I nodded.

"Then would you like to see him one more time?"

The frown on my face disappeared. "Uncle, what are you saying?"

"You've been so good to me and I want to repay it just this once. "He took off a necklace I have always seen him wearing. It caught my eye because unlike everything he was wearing it was the only thing that looked like it was worth anything. The necklace had a silver chain attached to a pendant that looked like it was some kind of emerald feather.

The uncle held it to me but I shook my head. "No uncle you don't have to give me anything in return. " I didn't want it. That wasn't the reason I was helping him and it looked special to him.

"Come on," he got up with me, preventing me from walking away. "You gave me a lot of good things, this is just one. You really won't accept it?"

"Taking your necklace..." I uncomfortably scratched my head but he pulled one of my hands out and placed the necklace inside it.

"Just take it. Return it if you really don't want it anymore."

"Really? I can return it?"

"Yes, but only after today." He smiled a yellow smile and bent down to gather his things. "You always know where to find me."

I watch him walk away, the necklace a burden in my hand. I will just return it tomorrow.

When I got home, I felt slightly hungry but there was not a grain of food in my apartment. Just as I would leave to go get something from a nearby store, Mon showed up.

"P' Masuk, do you want to join us on the roof?"

"The roof?"

"We are having dinner. Want to come?"

"Perfect timing, Mon," I said and followed him.

The one good thing about this apartment building was its generously large roof floor. A table was already set in the center of it and I suddenly felt like crying. This was something we used to do regularly, everyone pitching in and getting dinner. No matter how busy we were the evenings were casually spent together on this roof. It used to be the best part of the day in the past, before Tir...

"Oh, Mon, you managed to grab this guy," Puth said from the table where he was arranging food. Ake, Sat, Tue were seated.

"Yes P'," Mon replied before chancing a smile my way. "P'Masuk, I was just praying I would run into you when I did."

"You haven't been coming to join us for a while," Sat said. "We were starting to organize an intervention."

"Hey, don't tell him that," Ake rebuked.

"What are you guys talking about, "I said as I took a seat next to Ake. "I have a job you know and it keeps me really busy. "

"I have a job too, "Tue said and was kicked by Sat under the table.

"We totally understand."

"Hey, where's Sun?"

"P'Sun went to see his boyfriend."

Sat hissed with disgust. "That's where he usually is these days."

Tue laughed, "P'Sun told me that his boyfriend is very hot. He is addicted."

Sat burst into laughter. "I guess Neau is kind of cute."

"Not as cute as Team though,"

I didn't have much to contribute to the flowing conversation but it sounded to me like all my friends now have lovers. I probably know nothing about it because I have essentially cut myself off from them for a while now.
"Tomorrow is valentine's day so I have got bigger plans. " I came back into the conversation then. Yes, I almost forgot that tomorrow was Valentine's Day. I have to be at the store tomorrow to help out with the busy day.

"P'Masuk, do you have plans tomorrow?" Mon asked next to me.

"Me? No," I shook my head as I reached for a cup of water.

"P'Masuk, do you not have a lover?" Tue asked and the cup froze next to my lips.

"No, "I said in the next second before my pause could be questioned.

"Do you want me to set you up?"

"What are you talking about, "Puth interjected, "Not everyone needs to be in a relationship."

"But then P'Masuk is the only one not in a relationship."

"That's not a bad thing, and by the way why am I excluded? I am not in a relationship either. "

"P'Puth, what do you call the thing you have going with P'Keang?"

I smiled at Puth, even I had some idea about that. Apparently, Puth and Kaeng have taken a new turn in their relationship. Glad the conversation had lifted away from me, I tried to eat although my stomach was starting to shun as the sight of so much greasy food.

"P'Masuk, don't listen to P'Puth. Having a lover is the best, I will set you up."

"No need, Tue. I don't think I can love anyone right now."

"Why?" Tue was kicked again. Tue and Mon were the newest members of our gang so it isn't strange that they didn't know anything, but I wished they didn't talk so much about this. I fell silent and began to eat in small bites.

"Sorry if I said something rude, "Tue said.

I didn't answer but I smiled a little. The atmosphere became a little awkward. How soon can I leave? My appetite has gone back to zero

"Ah, tomorrow if anyone of you wants to make any romantic plans make sure to tell me about it, "Puth suddenly said, breaking the odd silence.

"Eh? Why, are you going to help us with money, P'Puth."

"Why the hell would I do that?"

I quietly let myself out of the scene as they went on to discuss valentine's plans. Tir and I never had valentine together. We were only dating for three months before he died but he had been my friend for most of my life. I guess it is silly to be envious of them. What kind of plans would we have made though? I am not very good at things like that so maybe it would have been Tir doing it. He was such a romantic himself and a good planner.

What kind of gift would you have bought me, Tir? I would really like to see it. Maybe tonight you and I would have joined the others, talking about valentine too. Maybe we would have escaped to spend time alone.

"I miss you, Tir," I said into the empty space of my room while staring at his pictures on my phone. Tir loved to take photos so there was a lot of it. I kept scrolling until I happened upon the last picture he took before he died.

My tears rolled down my face and I trapped them with my hand. It was always amazing to me that I could cry so much. I even tell myself that I have cried enough. My nose was blocked, my throat was sore. I couldn't cry myself to death so what's the use. Yet out of the blue, my eyes would still shed these tears and once I started it was usually too hard to stop.

"This would probably also have been our one-year anniversary, right, Tir. I'm sorry I didn't even buy anything for you. I never gave you anything."

My head started to hurt from crying and I let the phone in my hand fall on the bed. Even if I couldn't cry myself to death, even if crying is useless to me, it was also the only thing I can do when I felt this deep in my sorrow. It is what made it bearable so sometimes I give myself to it and let myself fall as asleep this way.

While I was sleeping I thought I felt someone come in. it wasn't a threatening presence but a soft hand suddenly brushed the tears off my cheeks, flushing me awake with a start.

There was no one in the room. I am alone as always. My eyes trailed to my phone to check the time but something was on it. On the second blink, I recognize the object. It is uncle's necklace. I picked it up and stared at it. In the light from the lamp, the green sparkled. It was actually a really nice necklace. I smiled and wore it. It was a gift and it would be rude to return it without having worn it.

When I wore it, a cold sensation washed over me, as if I just dipped my whole face in a freezer. I closed my eyes to endure the feeling, but it faded very fast. I blinked into the dim room.

"what was that?' my fingers trapped the pendent against my chest. I sensed movement to my right and my heart skipped. I wasn't alone after all?

By the window facing the city, someone familiar was standing there. I blinked at him opened mouth.

Tir

Masuk was looking at me. No, he wasn't. He can't see me. It is a trick of the light, a coincidence. His eyes just happened to be staring right at me but he wasn't seeing me. I have experienced this many times since I died.

I never knew it would hurt this much to be within reach of someone I cared about and not be able to tell them what I wanted to say. Masuk has not been Masuk since I died. He was suffering each and every day and no matter what I said, he didn't hear. I have resigned myself to be here, unable to move on because I couldn't let him live like this, hating himself, blaming himself. I want to set Masuk free, but he can't see me.

"Tir?" his mouth trembled as he gaped at me. "You are Tir, aren't you?"

I shifted from the wall and came closer. "You can see me?"

Masuk screamed and jumped away, from the bed and from me. He hugged the wall, trembling. "You aren't really here."

"I am not, "I answered.

"I am seeing things."

"No, I don't think you are—"

"haha, this is a dream. I fell asleep. Ah, but didn't I just wake up."

"Masuk, listen, you are not dreaming."

"I am, otherwise why would I be seeing you?"

"I don't know... but I still don't think you are dreaming."

"Oh right, you can't feel pain in the dream right?" Masuk pinched himself and shouted. "ow! That hurts. That hurts, Tir. Why am I still seeing you?"

"Because I am here Masuk, I have been here since I died."

"Are... you... serious." I knew when Masuk was going to pass out. I rushed forward, forgetting I can't catch him and he just went through my fingers. He didn't pass out like I thought. He stayed kneeling on one leg, the other splayed out awkwardly.

Shaking, he looked up at me. "You... are a ghost."

"I think so, yeah."

"haha, that's impossible."

"Tell me about it, "I said and watched Masuk's eyes fall shut. The shock was too much for him to consciously contain. But why is he suddenly able to see me? Is it just a fluke? Don't tell me when his eyes open he would not be able to see me anymore. Anything but that, Masuk.

I stayed by his side, counting his every breath and waiting for him to wake up.