EXULANSIS: THE TENDENCY TO GIVE UP TRYING TO TALK ABOUT AN EXPERIENCE BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T RELATE TO IT

I didn't know what to say to him.

That was the problem with me. Unexpected situations often either led me to make impulsive decisions— my body acting viscerally as if it was the most natural action to take, or I'd be tongue-tied, a tousled bundle of wires clogging the part of my brain that could come up with anything coherent.

We stayed silent for a very long time. It was a comfortable silence draping us like a warm cloak.

We listened to the rigorous cacophony of the cicadas until the sound melted away, we watched the sky filled with patches of grey clouds until they elongated and took over the whole sky in a dark coating. The moon and the stars were nowhere to be seen after. The breeze blew colder and stronger, ruffling Wonho's dark hair into a mess.

"I don't want to go home tonight," he said in a very low voice, the breeze almost caught the words before they could traverse to me.

"Then stay."

And he did. Not for once did my mind agonise over the idea of him being there, nor did the trepidation or anxiety rise within me. We were outside until it felt like a soft rain would start to fall, and then we were inside. We sat side by side on my queen sized bed. It felt as if it as the most normal situation that had ever arisen. Anything was natural when Wonho was by my side. The fact that I'd overthink a lot later remained, but didn't matter.

It was as if I was posessed, or whatever which otherwise had possessed me left when with him.

The curtains of the opened window fluttered with a rustling murmur as a cold and soothing breeze blew inside from the rooftop. He hadn't really said anything, he looked dazed and still in thought.

I slowly began, "you know, there used to be another tenant who lived on the second floor instead of Hyungwon, the one I told you about. The former moved out last year."

Without sparing a glance to his side, I knew he was attentively looking at me. Possibly wondering where this was leading to. I fumbled for the correct words myself.

As this was my first time telling this to anyone, bringing back the night when it occurred. Perhaps it was from then when I had started to feel antsy and alone at night, or anxious with a guy's presence, except for Wonho, of course.

"We were the same age. It turned out he was not from Seoul either. We bonded a lot, especially as in my freshman year I still wasn't used to anything or anyone here."

My voice wavered a little. The room was dark except whatever light that came from outside, only then had I noticed the darkness within. Somewhere distantly, a rumbling sound ensued, almost like a humming tune. It was going to storm.

"We would hang out together often, and watch movies. He actually was the biggest fan of action and superhero movies. He used to play the guitar in the evenings and I'd join him with drinks and snacks. Things were going well. And we actually started dating.

"It wasn't like emotions were flying out of us for each other but both of us were lonely and we both found comfort while confiding in with each other. We dated for two or three months and then one evening something happened."

I guess it was the tremor in my voice, or the abrupt silence that followed which made him stir a little in alarm. The room glowed under Wonho's presence and I could clearly see his eyes searching for mine without still looking at him. A moment later, he hesitantly put his hand on top of mine, my hand that was resting in the bedsheet between us.

I flipped my palm up and held onto his hand. Our hands lay entwined, locked with each other. His thumb rubbed circles on the back of my palm and he held my hand so gently as if he was holding onto a fragile piece of renaissance art and it would break if he were a little less careful.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he stated reassuringly, his voice as gloomy and murky as the musty smell of wet earth and leaves and branches and rain roaming around the walls.

I shook my head to the sides, I didn't know if he saw it. I commenced again.

"It was getting late that night. We watched two movies in his apartment, we sang a little in the balcony and drank beer. Frankly we were both drunk, and maybe he was a bit more than me.

"I was getting tired and sleepy, the whole thing happened because I was really upset after an exam that day. I was sure I'd fail and was devastated about it. He wanted to make me feel better. I did start to feel a little better at the end of it, and since my finals were going on, I told him I was going to go upstairs and sleep as I didn't want to fail the next exam too.

"But he didn't want me to go. I stayed for another half an hour and he drank so much, and was making such absurd, unfunny, and dirty jokes that I could barely recognize it was the same him. It took me some time to realize he was making passes at me.

"If it was some other time, I might have complied, but I was deeply exhausted and didn't like how he was being so strange. It may come absurd to you but we've never done it with each other. I told you we weren't crazy for each other and I told him before that I needed more time to get used to my life here.

"I told him to quit but he kept touching me. And when I got up and wanted to leave, he grabbed me from behind and pulled me to his bed forcefully. He said I was being a bitch for not giving it to him for such a long time."

I paused. I thought I'd find myself weeping but my eyes were dry, and Wonho's hand was squeezing mine lightly. I gave him a squeeze back.

"I had never been so afraid of him, or any man in my whole life. He was a whole different person. He was forcing himself onto me. I barely shoved him away, ran to the rooftop and stayed locked inside here until the night passed. I was too afraid to go out in the morning too. Afraid he'd be there, still like that. I called Hanbyul over and she brought Changkyun too. They both knew something was wrong with me at a glance. I was still wearing last night's torn up and rampled clothes, purple marks on my neck, wrists and shoulders and I was shaking in frenzy.

"They couldn't get a word out of me. But I guess they figured it had something to do with him but I wasn't ready to talk about it. I just couldn't believe that happened. I asked myself if I was actually in the fault. I avoided colliding with him like crazy and spent a week in Hanbyul's house. After a week, when I came back he was gone along with his things. I called the landlord and they said his rent was due for a few months and he left after clearing his debt.

"I was glad I didn't have to face him, or this trauma. I don't know if he left because he felt guilty after acting like that, or afraid because he thought I had filed a case against him.

"I shoved all his memories away in a far corner of my mind and never brought it back to anyone till now, even myself. I just wanted it all to pass like a nightmare but it didn't. Hanbyul and Changkyun thought I had gotten into a bad breakup since I never opened up about it. And so they tried to set me up with numerous dates, boys, and girls.

"I didn't want to pursue any of them until I met you," I said and finally looked at him. The air was heavy and dark with the thunderstorm brewing, the sky grumbling from time to time, and with it the earth shook slightly.

I thought I saw his eyes glittering in the dark as if he was tearing up. "It must have been really hard for you to endure alone," he said ever so softly.

I exhaled and wondered why I felt so intact after finally letting it out. Voicing out the memory only made it more real, that that really happened and wasn't just a bad dream. Yet I was okay with it. My breathing was calm and my head was unclouded.

"I'm alright now." I gave his hand a squeeze again, his skin was cold like the very night.

"I should go. I shouldn't be here after what had happened to you," he murmured and I felt his hand detaching from mine, so I grabbed it harder.

"I'm okay with you and I feel safe with you. I want you to stay."

He fell in silence again. Hand in hand we enjoyed the slow and steady rumble of the earth and the sky, the scent of rain and each other's presence.

"I don't usually get angry but if I ever see that person, and if you point him out I might just go berserk."

That remark made me giggle aloud. Just imagining Wonho unleashing his kendo skills with a sword and then roundhouse kicking that thin guy had me laughing even in this state.

"You saying that means a lot to me," I told him. "I just... I just want to tell you that you aren't alone too. I'm here for you. So if you're suffering please don't, not alone. We can share the pain together."

"You looked sad and worried today," I quickly added.

"I felt really lonely at home so I came to your place," he answered after a moment, hesitating, as if he was choosing his words carefully. "I'm alone most of the time but today everything felt overbearing suddenly. I wish I could tell you more but I don't know how to continue."

"There wasn't anyone at home?" I asked silently.

"I live in the apartment next to my mom's to take care of her and no she wasn't there today. There isn't anyone else. My dad left us when my brother and I were teens."

"I'm sorry to hear that," I murmured. He brushed it away.

"It's fine. If he's better with someone else let him be. We slowly lost the connection with him after the divorce. Since then it's just been my mom, my brother and our two cats. Actually, I do feel a lot better now after being here with you."

His voice was cheerful for the first time in the night but I didn't know if it was only because he wanted to convince me he was fine. We laid side by side for a while staring at each other's eyes in the dark while the rainstorm finally hit its apex. I suggested if he wanted to listen to music. And with his affirmative answer I put on some oldies in my phone, we shared the earbuds.

It was put your head on my shoulder, the song that I was listening to the very first day I saw him. Then fly me to the moon, can't take my eyes off you, sandman, close to you, and more played. The sound of the harsh rain and thunder washed away a lot of it but the music still played in our ears.

Stuck in a vortex only this room and we remained. Rest of the world where somewhere far below and away. We could stay like this until the end of time.

At one point, I inclined my head towards him and when he stayed still, I went ahead and kissed him on the lips. A chaste kiss, almost like a peck, as if it was the first ever kiss shared among two young teenagers.

He smiled after that. We talked a little more about ourselves, about the songs and old music. Until the atmosphere lulled me into a deep, dreamless sleep. A sleep that feels like a dream itself.

I didn't wake before the storm had fully passed along with the rain, and the fresh sky was bathing with the color mauve indicating a new day. A love song at dawn.

But he wasn't there anymore.

No, he didn't leave without a word this time.

On my phone, a text from him said how much he wished to stay but had to leave on urgent matters. And he was going to see me soon, and I believed him.

---
A/n: a similar situation to sunny's happened to my senior at uni. She was really strong and took him to the courts.

One of my friends had an older boyfriend who blackmailed her with intimate photos of them after she broke up with him.

Things like this happen here every so often that I lose my faith in men every single day. Thanks god for wonho. Listen to lose.