LACHEISM: THE DESIRE TO BE STRUCK BY DISASTER

Wonho was out of touch for a week after.

Nonetheless, I couldn't bring myself to reach out to him. I was deeply hurt and I recognized this grave feeling within me that even if I acted nonchalant in the past, whenever he had ghosted on me or gave me a cold shoulder, or simply dissipated into thin air, it wore me down. He hurt me without intention. For once, I wanted him to reach out to me first. Tell me what was wrong with me; us, why we couldn't work it out.

At the same, I desperately clung onto my phone almost any second of the day, my fingers hovering over the dial-pad. I wanted to go to him but a part of me stood before that resolution like a wall.

I spent nights staring at our old conversations on the phone, the textbox with his name and a photo of him smiling, showing his bright set of teeth staring at me. The date he was last active indicated a week ago. I did not visit his mind like he was always occupying mine.

Sleep was out of reach and if it came, it came in patches, knocked me unconscious for a few hours, only to jolt me up every thirty minutes or so to check the phone's screen beside me. Days blurred in, class lectures, the part-time job, club activities were all the same. Everything merged in together, night and day, they were all the same.

I was lying on my bed, my eyes begging me to sleep but my mind running the wheel of my whole body. Viscerally, unintentionally, and absentmindedly I scrolled through the texts between Wonho and me.

I scrolled between our song and book recommendations, goodnights, good mornings, photos and jokes, philosophical musings, and nonsensical, passive flirting. I refreshed the chat, nothing new. I typed in the message box, but couldn't find words to say. I pushed the back button and exited the app.

Wonho did not own any other social media except for kakao linked to his number, as far as I was concerned. He did take photos of things he liked, food, and occasionally himself but barely did he indulge in his cellphone.

Entering the familiar google bar I wrote Shin Hoseok, his real name, and Wonho beside it and then I clicked the search bar. In a second my phone screen was filled with pieces of information about the many Shins, and many Hoseoks with kpop members in it. I scrolled down to find an iwonhoyou on instagram, but it was missing the other keywords from my search.

My heart almost leaped out of my chest when the quick click revealed it was indeed his account. With a photo of his, wearing a mask and a baseball cap but I could fairly well say it was him. The last photo was posted two years ago, a picture of the sky.

He was followed by a small number of people, none I knew. The account was inactive and there was a vacant feeling to it. Though the posts shouted his existence, how he once belonged here.

The photos majorly consisted of sky pictures, at early dawns, pale blue dusks, dark night with blinking stars, skies from a seabeach, sunsets, sunrises, snowy skies. He sometimes sent me photos of the sky in our chats too.

Then there were a number of cat photos. Cats, there were two. There was our black and white striped tom, and the other one I hadn't seen before was a majestic cat in fluffy white fur and long whiskers. There were photos of food, gym equipment, screenshots of old songs playing.

I scrolled down further to find some old photos of him too. There were a few with Shownu, his younger and tinier version. And then I saw a photo of Wonho and his brother, both very young, Wonho taller and chubbier than the smaller, pale boy who was clinging to his neck. They both were grinning broadly to the camera, Wonho showing a victory sign. His brother's face partially facing Wonho and the camera. The background indicated a bedroom with twin beds for the kids.

There was a heavy feeling sinking to my stomach, a feeling that made me feel like I was plunging into a deep bottomless ocean. Soon I was struggling for breath, I didn't know why. I was not under a sea, I was here, in my room but I felt like I was plummeting into oblivion.

I closed my phone and tried to calm down. I wanted to get out, but I didn't know where I wanted to go. It was late at night. I wanted to talk to someone too, but I didn't know who.

The oblivion, the bottomless sea was only called loneliness. It was creeping onto me like a predator preying on an endangered animal. I could go to Hyungwon, a floor below but I did not want to bother him. He had his own struggles, and when he had heard that Wonho left me in the dark again he didn't show much empathy or surprise. Yet Hyungwon asked me every day about his whereabouts, only to get negative answers.

Without much thought, I took my phone again and this time I opened the groupchat Changkyun, Hanbyul, and I shared. My hands were so clammy the screen kept getting blurry with sweat. I could barely type in. It took me god knew how long to only write if anyone was up. I wasn't expecting any of them to reply.

No one did, instead, the message was seen by Hanbyul, and a second later, she called me on the phone. Her voice was groggy from sleep as she blabbered on, "it's midnight babe, we should both sleep, I know. But death note is so addictive, what the hell."

I wanted to say something in reply but a sob came out. I was actually glad to hear her voice, to know that I was still in this world, yet I didn't know why I was choking up. There were no tears.

She stopped speaking instantly. "What's wrong?" she asked, her tone changing in a tentative one.

I tried, I tried really hard to say something, but nothing came out but some sounds of whimpers from deep within my throat, from the pit of my stomach. Truthfully, I did not know what to tell her.

"Are you in your apartment?" she asked next, slowly enunciating each word.

I nodded, and even though she could not see me she told me to wait and do nothing for the next half an hour. She told me she was coming here.

Her place was far from the area I lived in. I did not know what to expect but I really did sit there. Doing nothing, breathing in and out, and in and out. My heartbeat was out of control, drumming inside my chest. Time passed slow, each second an hour, each minute a day.

After a while, I started to feel calmer. I could breathe and really feel the air lunging in through my nostrils. I opened my mouth and took a few deep breaths, filling my exhausted lungs. Then my phone rang again.

Both Changkyun and Hanbyul were there at my doorstep, with a brown paper bag possibly filled with food and drinks. Changkyun could barely pry his leaden eyes open but Hanbyul looked just the same, even though it close to one a.m.

"Are you alright?" she asked, giving me a quick once over from head to toe. Changkyun stood waiting for a reply, his eyes fully open now.

"No." I wanted to say yes.

They shared a glance. Hanbyul then shoved the grocery back towards him, which he quickly took, and extended both her arms towards me from the doorstep. "Come here."

I fell into her arms, her warm embrace, and started sobbing, choking in my dry throat. Finally, there was a river of tears following down my cheeks.

She patted on my back gently and mumbled in my ears. At first, I did not know what she was saying but then I understood her.

"It's okay. Let it all out," she told me.

I couldn't control myself. I was violently shaking and crying, and I didn't fully know why. I couldn't think much. My mind was a blank slate, except it didn't want anything to be written upon it, at least not then.

"Do you want to sit here? Outside? The fresh air might do good to you." She inclined her head a little back only to tell me that and then moved close to my cheek again, a whiff of her shampoo engulfed my senses.

We set down on the benches on the rooftop. Hanbyul sat closer to me. Changkyun observed. He was silent throughout the whole time, probably quieter than I'd ever seen him. When I could finally feel my tears drying up, or at least no more came down other than whimpers and sniffles, he opened the grocery bag and handed me a cold drink. Water droplets in from of dews stuck to the can. I kept it in my enclosed palms.

"We know you've been feeling bummed out," Changkyun finally said.

When I shot him a questioning look, he continued, "I mean, you ought to look at yourself in the mirror. You have eye bags deeper than my voice, (Byul sneered at him for this remark) your cheeks are sunken like a skeleton, you must've lost some weight and you never pay attention to us anymore."

I tore my stare away from him and turned to my side to Hanbyul. "You've always been secretive. You barely want to share, ever. That's why, we gave you some space," she said.

I pondered over this comment a little. It was true. The reason I complained to myself about Hyungwon and Wonho fell on me too. I'd always kept things stored away in myself.

I tried to speak but my voice was broken and sounded off. "What do you guys want to know?" I croaked out.

Again they shared a look with each other. Then Hanbyul looked at me. "Right now why you are depressed is what I wanna know," she said.

I didn't know where to start. A long sigh came from the pit of my stomach and then I inhaled deeply. The air outside on the rooftop really was fresh. It had been sunny and hot, with no hint of rain again this week but the surrounding strangely had a musty smell of petrichor in it.

The sky was lucid, no cloud, and filled with twinkling stars. Almost like the day Wonho and I sat out here till late at night and talked. That felt like distant light years ago.

Starting with Wonho, and my unnamed relationship with him, and the catastrophe awaiting us would've been a good idea. Instead, I found myself going back to a year ago and telling them about the previous tenant who lived a floor below.

Calmly, I told them all. How I had once started to date him without feeling any romantic affection towards him, and one night he tried to take me without my consent, how he disappeared a few days later when I was living in Hanbyul's place scared to face him, and how this made me terrified to go out alone at nights or meet unknown men.

I saw their faces distort from intense to shocked ones, to genuinely disgusted ones, to angry ones, and finally morbid ones.

"I'm so sorry, Sunny. I kept finding blind dates for you and kept trying to persuade you into going out. You must've felt horrible," Hanbyul said, her tone barely above a whisper.

"We should find that guy and get him arrested. Maybe you should file a report to the police station so they could get him," Changkyun said next in a hushed tone.

"I'm alright. That happened already some times ago. I don't know where he is anymore. And to be honest, it took me some to figure out that I was mentally scarred by that event. It was not your fault to want me to date again, Hanbyul. I never shared with you guys."

I was jaded out after talking too much, but I wanted to go on. For the first time, I realized it was exhausting to share painful memories with others too.

"And I was fine when I met Wonho," I finally added, glancing away from their faces.

"Yeah, I am also curious about that," Hanbyul remarked.

There came a familiar feeling, a wave of sadness hitting me again. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. One drop fell ever so cautiously.

"He's going to die. He'll leave me alone," I choked out.

There wasn't much response from them, instead, Hanbyul reached her hand out to my lap and put it on my hands. "Why do you think that?" she asked.

"He's okay," Changkyun murmured, a little hesitantly. "He's a brave person. He looks strong but his resolve is even stronger. He handles well. Why would he die? How?"

Suicide. God, how could I tell them about Hyungwon, and all the time-traveling, and all the patterns, and November 1- it was godforsaken September 1 already. He was getting distanced, slowly but swiftly he was becoming only a memory. What would happen after that?

Should have I told them everything way before? When Hyungwon came to me first. Should have I at least for once broken out of my shell, didn't care if I looked like a senile, and shared everything with them?

Would have anything changed if I did that?

"You should look after yourself more...," Hanbyul trailed off, then she regained her voice and spoke stronger, "you yourself are clearly suffering. So how can you solve someone else's problems? Sometimes... Sometimes it's better to let people be. Let go. Because you need help yourself. You can't worry about someone else- be it your significant other, most throughout your day. You need to recover your own trauma too, Sunny."

I couldn't say anything and Chankgyun stayed quiet too. I wanted to give everything she said to me, a serious thought but couldn't focus at that moment. Instead, I jotted everything down in memory.

We stayed on the rooftop for a little longer, taking in the night air, and watching the starry sky. They both offered to stay over. It was past two when we headed to bed. Byul slept on the bed with me and we made a somewhat makeshift bed on the floor for Changkyun with pillows and blankets. He took that with no complaint.

I thought I'd stay awake again but soon I fell asleep a deep sound repose. Occasionally I heard their murmurs but couldn't make out any words, soon the voices died down too.

I was sleeping throughout the time they woke me up, to tell me they were going to attend the morning lecture, and that they had left sandwiches and coffee and I only needed to heat them up before eating. They told me they'd get a pass for me today and send me the lecture notes soon, and they asked me to call them again if I needed anything before they had left.

I slept throughout the entire noon, the afternoon, and the evening. Indistinctive and meaningless dreams visited me. I woke up a few times only to check the time and fell back asleep again. In the meantime, a storm began to brew outside and a hard rain began to fall. I could hear it well in my sleep, and somehow those thunder soothed me down.

I woke up at eight in the night, for my phone beside the pillow was ringing and vibrating for an incoming call. It was still raining outside, gentler than before, and the room was cold despite the AC not being on.

I pressed the phone against my cheek with my eyes still closed. A voice that felt like I had known for a lifetime spoke from the other side.

"Can you open the door for me? It's okay if you don't..." It was him.

---
A/n: have you ever lost someone precious to you?

Last year I lost my grand dad. I never realized how much he meant to me until he was gone. He was such a crazy fellow, he was. Always flirting with the ladies and spouting absurd jokes. He used to play video games on his phone late till night. Miss you so much nana I hope you're having fun up there too.