NOCTURNE: MUSIC INSPIRED BY THE MELANCHOLY OF THE NIGHT

October 31. The evening had let her blue gown fall. Hyungwon and I sat with our meals almost untouched. It was a takeaway rice cake. Clearly, neither of us had any appetite. The clock was ticking away, and by Hyungwon's ashen pallor I could sense him timing the inevitable doom coming in. For him it would be the 7th time watching Wonho die.

For me, the first and last time— chance.

"Do you know when I first used the watch, the person I went to was dad," Hyungwon said, breaking the silence.

"Alex?" I asked, bewildered.

He gave a small nod. "I was sure that together we could do something; at least come up with something. But he was more interested in his future research than anything. I guess people are not always the same."

"None of this had happened to him then, it's natural his younger self's priority was elsewhere." I wondered how much he had liked me in his other version to shift his whole goal to a completely different direction.

Hyungwon was gazing at nowhere in particular, like he often did. End of the conversation for him.

"You can't go back to where you came from, can you Hyungwon?" I stated. His eyes flickered back to mine.

When no answer came, I continued, "It was a bit surprising that one day you suddenly figured it all out. There's not even an original universe, is there? Because all of these, all the others out there are just as original. I am surprised that you're still sane after all the repeats. Tell me, are you going to do it again if Wonho dies here?"

The words came out with a bit more force than I had wanted to. Before I knew it, they were struggling to get past my throat, which felt constricted, tightening on its own.

I took a deep breath in, collecting my tousled-up pieces. "It's his life, Hyungwon." Despite the effort, my voice broke, the rice cakes before us now swimming in my bleary vision.

"And it's his choice too. No matter how unfair it is for us, we can't simply save him because this will hurt us."

"Then why?" I thought he had asked, but I was not sure if he really did.

"Because his life is meaningful and there is a lot here in this shitty world to live for, despite all its ugliness, I guess. He made me realize a lot of that. And I mean it to you too, Hyungwon." I looked up at him. "You should live your own life."

His eyes were as wide as a pair of soccer balls. I could feel him trying to come up with something, his thoughts racing a hundred meters by the second but I didn't let him.

"We should go and look for him," I said. "His number is off like always. If we look back at his attempts in the other worlds, it should be either in his house—"

"Or the road to the outskirts right after his neighborhood," Hyungwon completed.

We sat in silence for a few more minutes and then I made up my mind. From where Hyungwon came from, Wonho died in his dad's car, pushing it to its limit and crashing on a lamp-pole right beside the street.

"You go to his house and call me if you don't see his car in the garage. Eitherway, stay there till the morning." I took out an old modeled android phone from my pockets. "It's my old phone. Should've given you way earlier."

It took us a short time to get our things together and head out. The weather was unusually cold for October. Then I remembered it was going to be November from tomorrow. Hyungwon was huddled up in a long and dark overcoat with a hoodie underneath. I wore a thick jacket to cover myself. We were by ourselves on this, or not quite.

Because as soon as we stepped outside the building, an Audi drove towards us and stopped. The window rolled down, Chae Alex peered his blond head out. The tip of his nose red and his glasses were foggy.

"I got here as soon as I could," he said with a sniff of his nose.

"I called him since he had a car and taxi wasn't really on my mind." I turned to Hyungwon to notice his eyes already glued to the blond man.

"He's Hyungwon," I told Alex, who waved a hand as if saying hi. Hyungwon stood still, frozen in his spot. The true explanation was that I wanted him to meet Alexander, for another time, and hopefully the last time.

"Call me." I patted Hyungwon lightly on his forearm and that woke him up from his daze. He nodded at me.

I got inside the car, sat beside Alex who was busily stubbing a tissue paper on his nose. I helped myself with the seatbelt and all that time Hyungwon stood and watched us.

When the car drove by, I saw his tall figure getting smaller and smaller on the rearview mirror. He was carrying my black umbrella and his backpack. His whole belongings.

"I'm still not accustomed to the weather here," Alex said, his eyes fully focused on the road.

I replied with an I see. I was thinking about Hyungwon, and Wonho.

"I thought you had ghosted me," he said next, he said it quite nonchalantly.

"Sorry, um, I was just busy," I answered vaguely, he nodded a little. Rest of the drive he never asked any questions.

It took around forty minutes to reach the road because of the traffic. It was almost nine when I stepped outside the car and thanked him for the ride. Nothing was going to happen for another few hours.

He just stared at me blankly for a few minutes before he drove away. I hoped I had reached the right place as I stood near a lamppost on the side of the street. There was another by the other side and rows of them ahead as the road got divided into four.

Around there was almost nothing. A few one and two-storied buildings blinking far apart. There still were cars driving by and  people walking on the sidewalks. I was contemplating whether I ought to go stand on the other side when I felt a presence nearing me directly.

It was Alex, his glasses looked almost white. He had a scarf wrapped around his neck. He stopped when he reached me and put his arms under his armpits, rubbing them to make them warm.

"It took some time to find a good parking spot," he said, his voice muffled under the layers of clothing.

I nodded at him. I didn't have what it takes to tell him he needn't be there. Truthfully, I had hoped he stayed from the beginning, and perhaps he could see it in my eyes.

"I guess you won't tell me what it is or who you are waiting for?" He queried in his accented Korean.

"I don't think I can. It's probably better if you don't know."

He gave a small nod. "Although I guess it's important?"

I nodded now, it was something I couldn't form into words even if I wanted.

"If we have more time, maybe we could sit down somewhere. My legs are giving in. And maybe we could have dinner too," he suggested, his voice unobtrusive. Only then did I realize that my knees were trembling, not for the cold but because I was anxious and frightened.

There were rows of benches around the sidewalks and we took seats there. I could finally understand a little of what Alex and I had in the other world. It was definitely not sparking butterflies and jolting electricity, but an understanding and warmth for each other.

My phone vibrated in my pocket all of a sudden, I somehow hoped it was Wonho, even though I knew it wouldn't be.

"Hyungwon," I took the call, Alex turned to me and then faced away. My words were making small clouds in the air.

"His car isn't here," he said from the other side. His own voice sounded distant as if coming from another star. "I don't think he is here either. The lights are out. The next door has its lights on."

"The one where his mom lives," I confirmed.

"I don't know if he'll be driving for all those hours," he muttered, seemingly talking to himself.

I contemplated for a few more seconds. Only when I tasted the iron in my mouth, I realized I was chewing my lips unconsciously. "It could be that he's out now and will be back later. You should stay there."

He answered in a low hum. There was nothing to say anymore, both our priorities were one.

"Take care, Hyungwon," I said in a daze, feeling a little feverish. Suddenly I felt like all this was not happening, as if I was only observing the scenes on a TV. The call cut off.

Alex smoked one cigarette after another for the next hours. I had never seen him smoke so much and he had affirmed it before too. His right knee was vibrating nonstop, going up and down and again. I knew the apprehension was getting to him too.

Something was going to change tonight. Everything, at least for us.

He brought me coffee and some snacks from a store that was probably a good few minutes away. But I didn't have it in me to stand up and leave the space, and like before he could probably see that hence he didn't ask me.

I sipped on the coffee that was already cold. My mind reeled back to the past few months and vaguely I remembered Wonho's head on my lap as we sat and watched the campus mellow down with the evening. Out of everything else, my brain kept playing that scene.

Slowly the reminiscent became brighter, more lucid, and louder. I could sense Wonho's steady breathing passing through me, skin to skin. His chest heaving up and down softly. The blue veins under his pale skin, and the few red moles dotted like tiny flowers across his face and neck.

The thin layer of shadow under his coal eyes. His dark hair tousled on his head. A tired smile as he watched me, and a layer of peach tint on his cheeks that came with it. Spring boy.

But it was winter now.

With the hours passing by, the number of people kept subsiding. And after a while, I realized almost no one was there except for us. Occasionally a truck or a microbus whirred by, with them came cold gusts of wind. The temperature was dropping with the night. My fingers felt icy and stiff, I could barely feel my skin.

It was past midnight now. Hyungwon was dozing off on the far end of the bench, his head lolled to a side. His scarf had fallen off his face, and I could see his reddened nose, and lips that formed a half 'o'.

Out of the blue, I was taken aback. A part of my brain almost mistook him as Hyungwon despite his blond hair.

Since his blue eyes were close now he looked very similar to Hyungwon. I felt a sudden affection towards the man, again, nothing strong, but gentle, like a stream of water rippling towards me.

I finally stood up from my spot and rearranged his scarf. The coldness from his skin oozed out and touched me.

To check if there were any more news, I fished my phone out of my pockets. At that moment, I realized that rain had started to fall from the sky in colossal white beads.

No, it wasn't that, it was actually snowing. Early snow for the first time of the year.

The snowflakes fell on my phone's screen too, blurring it. I rubbed it on my jacket and pressed the lock.

There was a notification showing on the front bar of the screen. At first, I thought it was from Hyungwon, but no.

It said iwonhoyou had commented on a post on sunnysuniverse, it was an email notification from my blog, sent twenty minutes ago.

By the time I saw it, my heart had started to beat frantically in my chest, it took everything in me not to fall on my knees and collapse that very second. With my fingers trembling in frenzy I pressed open the link.

The blog itself was from some time ago, I had written about a boy with dying embers in his eyes yet a heart still burning like the sun, having his head on my lap and watching a gloomy sunset. I had added a picture of my campus there, in front of the university library.

That day I had him so close to me.

"You made my time worthwhile. Thank you, for everything. Please live happily." The user iwonhoyou had commented. The profile was made a few weeks ago yet had nothing on it.

That very second my phone vibrated, and this time it was a text from Hyungwon. "I don't think he's coming back here. I am on my way to you."

The world had started to swim in my vision again. Everything turned white for a few seconds. My breathing was heavy, a sense of vertigo engulfing me rapidly.

I tried to think clearly, to plant a picture in my head. Why was I here? Not because I would live a miserable life without Wonho, no, because he mattered himself.

And I didn't want to live with regrets either, I thought that too. Human beings were selfish after all, and I was no different.

My senses were coming back to me. I quickly called Wonho's number. The call was going through, and it felt like after ages, I didn't hear a mechanical voice telling me to try again later.

He didn't pick up. I called and called again, balling my other hand into a tight fist and letting go instantly, and repeating the process again and again. Please pick up.

"I dozed off," a little voice said by my side.

"Hey, you'll hurt your hand like that!" Alex exclaimed by my side.

I realized that I was clenching my fists so hard that the skin on the inside of my palms was peeling off with my nails.

The roads were completely empty except for us two now. It was half-past one in the morning. The night deep, time moving in its own space.

"Anytime an old and black corolla car will pass by here and we need to stop it," I said, my voice strange to my own ears. He looked at me strangely too.

"We just have to," I said desperately. Tears threatening to fall. Everything was silent for that few seconds. White snow had fallen on small heaps on his blond hair.

Then his eyes fell somewhere behind me. For a second, he looked blue and bewildered, and then in a moment his wide eyes flickered back to mine.

"That car?" His eyes were behind me again.

I whipped around, and I knew, it was him. I immediately started to run towards the car without another spare second to leave. My body did it viscerally.

"Wait! Fuck! Sun hee!" I could hear Alex's desperate outcry and then I heard loud footsteps following me too. But I wasn’t thinking about all that.

My hand was reaching out ahead of me as if I could actually hold him before he would slip away. I was way past the lamppost and the car was reaching me too. Its headlights were on then, the bright lights blinding me. I could hear a loud scream behind me, stop, Alex was telling me.

Behind the flashing light, I saw Wonho, his eyes wide and directly on me before they were gone from my sight.

The car swerved, dangerously making a turn, the tires screeched heavily on the gravel. He rushed past me.

All I could do was turn back and see him go past me, and past Alex, and the doomed lamppost, to swirl off the road and bolt onto the footpath, and then, crashing onto a bench with a ear splitting sound.

The sirens were going off in my head. Could he possibly... again...

I ran again, Alex reached the car before me. As I did, trying my best to run quickly I only felt as if I was going ten steps backward with each step forward.

The crashed car looked as if it were far beyond somewhere, and I could never reach there. I was never on time, was I?

I could see Alex trying his best to jerk open the front door of the driver's seat. Then I saw him taking out his phone, rapidly dialing, and then calling someone.

No, I was here, I wasn't just an observer. I really was here. And I was close now. Close to reach him and peer in... but I couldn't bring myself to.

"It will take fifteen minutes? Okay." I heard bits and pieces of Alex's voice. I was swaying on my feet and I knew I would fall any second now. I couldn't bring myself to watch what had happened. The taillights were broken completely and the door was stuck, and he...

"Come back to your senses, Sun hee." A hand held me steadily. Alex pulled me closer to him.

The falling snow melted out his white hair and it looked the same but— there were red streaks on him.

Splatters of blood.

I saw Wonho then. His limp head was resting on the steering wheel.

It had happened again.

If only I tried better, if only I had a clear plan if only I did something else. If only.

And then his head moved.

I couldn't believe my eyes at first. But he rolled his head back, clearly in pain. A trickle of fresh blood oozed through his head to his left eye.

"He probably got a concussion. The car is locked from inside I can't open it. Sun hee,. .." Alex cut off. I had brushed him off of me by then. I went towards the car and loudly put my palm on the glass.

I thumped on it, and again, and again loudly. Tears jerked out of my eyes without any control. Wonho was looking at me from the other side of the closed glass. His eyes were half closed, the trickle of blood dropping down to his cheeks.

"Don't die!" I screamed. Something snapped inside of me right then. "I don't have the right to tell you that but please. You're not just a distant star to me! Remember when you told me that once?"

I could feel my vocal chords straining, but I didn't know if he could hear me. His dizzy eyes were definitely on me but I didn't know if he really saw me.

"You're the universe that contains the sun and the moon. You're the universe to me. Do you understand that? Even if you feel like everyone keeps leaving you, I won't. I promise that I won't!" 

Tears left my face uncontrollably. The snow made the window panes foggy and I could barely see his face anymore. From far behind, a wailing siren pierced through the night air. And it got louder, and louder. 

***

Wonho was alive.

For now.

The hospital waiting room was also filled with faces I knew. Minhyuk, Kihyun, Jooheon, Shownu, Changkyun, Hanbyul, and Wonho's mom. She was trembling, her lips chapped and bloody, and face pale. She fainted as soon as she came running towards the emergency room. And when she came to she refused to get an IV because she said she needed to see her son first.

My knees kept jerking up and down. I held my hands tightly so they would stop shaking. Alex had left to talk with the police about the matter. I had texted Hyungwon in a hurry about Wonho's situation but he didn't reply.

Wonho wasn’t in a serious condition anymore. He was removed from the ICU two hours ago and for now the doctors declared he didn't have any severe brain injuries.

They also said he might have amnesia for a few days and have trouble controlling his body. He had to stay in bed for three weeks. In the hospital for two days.

"You can see him now." A nurse came to declare. Relief washed over the others. "Only one person at a time." She observed our faces. "Please don't put him in any form of mental jeopardy. The doctor advised not to ask questions as well."

Naturally, Wonho's mom was the first one to visit. She didn't take much time herself. When she came back it was obvious why. She was crying agonizingly and mumbling why he tried to do that, and why she couldn't notice.

I grabbed my seat hard, wondering what happened to his mom in the other worlds. She had aged 20 years or more overnight and she looked like she was on the brink of collapsing.

I didn't have it in me to visit him. What if he didn't recognize me?

Most importantly, what if he regretted not dying?

Despite the other's urges I kept seated there. Shownu entered next. Hanbyul was sitting beside me. She murmured, asking me how I knew.

I stayed quiet. I was already detaching myself from this reality. The last question kept rotating inside my head, bouncing against the walls and echoing back.

When it was my turn, I realized I had almost no energy to stand up. I still did, and dragged myself to his cabin. My head was spinning a little and I felt on the verge of throwing up when I pushed the sliding door open. I still closed it behind me.

The small room reeked of disinfects. The curtains were blue, his bed contrastingly white. So was the bandage around his head. The humidifier created plumes of smoke across his bed. I had my eyes anywhere but him.

"Sunny," he called out. I felt goosebumps across my back. The room was properly heated, but I felt cold.

Would he be dead by now if I didn't intervene?

I looked at him and he was staring at me. His eyes clear, transparent. He seemed to be trying to hold out a hand towards me.

Without thinking much I grabbed his trembling hand tightly. Even though, it was faint and almost like a dream, he smiled.

"I wouldn't be able to do it," he said, very softly, the words almost like a whisper and strained. "I don't think I would. I..."

Tears welled up in his eyes, and a drop silently streamed down his face to the side. I was baffled. And then I told him to stop.

"Please don't try to talk now."

"I kept thinking about you," he said in a breath. "At that moment I kept thinking about the time I spent with you. How good it was. And then you appeared before me, I thought I had finally gone crazy."

I was crying myself. No words came out. He couldn’t say anything else either. Words weren’t needed. It felt like a long time as I sat there, holding his hand.

By the time I left, he had fallen into a slumber, probably the effect of his injury and the medicines. He was still holding onto my hand.

That night I spent in the hospital with everyone. No one slept. The talks were in whispers if there were any. However the atmosphere, I felt like I could finally breathe. He wanted to live.

Around dawn when the others were dozing off, Wonho's mom tired and fully asleep, and Changkyun had taken Hanbyul home, I remembered Hyungwon. He still hadn't texted me back.

I stretched and went for a walk. As I found a spacious window at the end of the corridor, I stood there. The sky was lighting up in mauve, indicating a new day. My eyes were dry of tears, still I felt this urge to cry again. Of happiness, and a little of a gaping void in my heart.

I was going to leave for home soon to take a shower and change my clothes. But I felt stuck, imagining an empty building there.

No one at the second floor anymore. Not the boy with long hair, round specs and a watch on his bony hands. When was the last time I had seen him?

I vaguely recalled a tall figure watching us help the paramedics get Wonho into the ambulance from a distance, holding an umbrella over his head. That time I didn't think it was him, though now it suddenly came to me. He was there

I already knew, Hyungwon was gone by now.

The sky started to brighten outside, she wasn’t crying anymore.

---
A/n: epilogue and explanations will be posted on sunday!