"I am a pile of bricks

and you are holding

a sledgehammer."

-Neil Hilborn

Sometimes, most times, Yoongi can't feel anything. There's a heart in his chest that beats hard against his rib cage out of pure spite and a permanent sick, twisted feeling in his gut that keeps him on edge at all times. He checks his locks twice before he leaves Jungkook to go to work, checks his gun with the serial number shaved off at the bottom, and swallows down any guilt he can feel when he goes to work only to call Namjoon hours later and kiss him like he hasn't spent the night giving into other men's pleasures.

But sometimes, more often than not now, he feels something else other than spite and on edge. He feels it more now than he did before and he sort of hates the feeling more than ever now because as much as he wants it to go away, he's starting to get scared if it does.

Hope is a very terrible thing to have when you know it'll all come crumbling down because that's a feeling that's reserved for humans. Which Min Yoongi is not.

He buries the feeling down angrily as he coaxes another man's dick into hardness and pretends he's absolutely gagging for a dick to be shoved in his mouth.

Hope is just bullshit.

*

Namjoon holds his hand like he always has done, holds it like he doesn't know what Yoongi's done to get all the cash in his bag and Yoongi doesn't know how he does it. Doesn't know how Namjoon can pretend his boyfriend isn't a whore. But he does it anyways, he kisses him anyways, he.. cares about him.

"If you could do whatever you wanted, what would you do?" Yoongi asks quietly as they round the corner. "No limits."

"No limits, huh?" Namjoon chuckles, shrugs. "Probably do something with you and Kook, ya know? Go to the beach. I like the sea, it--it, uh, it makes me feel small. "

"Small?"

"Yeah, small," he agrees. "Like insignificant. Like all of my problems are tiny because I'm tiny. Like the ocean is huge, she's full of so much life and death, she's being polluted, she's growing, she's just--she's huge. She reminds me that I'm nothing, I'm just a speck of dust in this world and it makes me feel good because it makes me realize--makes me hope that one day my issues will feel like that too, just tiny insignificant specks of dust in the greater scheme of things."

Yoongi hums, nods, then shakes his head. "Why me and Kook, though? Seems like it's more of a you thing instead of an us thing."

"Because, well, the ocean would make me feel insignificant but then you and Kook remind me it's ok to feel small and insignificant because you two are tiny too. We're tiny dust particles together."

Together.

"What about you, huh?" Namjoon asks softly. "What would you do?"

"Whatever Kook wants," Yoongi says quietly. "I'd get him out of here."

Namjoon laughs softly, squeezes his hand and nods. "That's a good plan."

"But--but I--I'd, I just--Namjoon," Yoongi says softly and stops walking, looks up from the ground and into Namjoon's eyes when he looks at Yoongi. "I'd want you with me too. When I get Kook out of here, I'd want to get out of here with you too."

"Yoongi," Namjoon whispers, lets go of his hand and cups his face gently. "I can get you out of there. Both of you. We can be happy. We can--we can be together."

The offer is tempting, so fucking tempting. But Yoongi's pride runs so deep it makes him ache at the thought of someone saving him that isn't himself. "I'm gonna get us out of there, Joon. I promise. I'll drag me and Kook out of there on my hands and knees and I'll crawl right to you. But I have to do it."

Namjoon isn't convinced but he nods anyways. "I'll be waiting for you, then."

When Namjoon kisses him softly, so soft, so different from the men from earlier, it's impossible to bury down the overwhelming feelings of hope.

Min Yoongi feels a little more human.

*

The first time Yoongi brings Jungkook over to Namjoon's house, they have to ride the bus for a solid hour and then take a taxi. Jungkook's never been to this part of the town, only having seen the nicer parks and the movie theatres around. His eyes are big and round, forehead pressed to the glass as he stares outside.

"This is where Akimigaara lives," Jungkook murmurs, voice dripping with awe.

"Akimigaara better have a good job," Yoongi chuckles, prying Jungkook off of the window and out of the taxi when they get there.

Jungkook's reaction is the same as Yoongi's when he first went over there, too shy to knock on the door, feeling too out of place in the nice one story house with a yard.

"Does Namjoon have swings?" Jungkook asks quietly.

Yoongi shakes his head, knocks on the door, and then turns to look at Jungkook. "No, baby. But there's that park with the pirate ship near here, remember? We can take you there later."

Jungkook agrees silently and holds Yoongi's hand tighter as the door swings open and Namjoon is there, smiling brightly with his too deep of dimples and too kind of eyes. "Come on, it's cold."

They walk in and Jungkook's eyes zero in to the corner with the unused puppy pad and dog dishes. Carefully, he toes off his shoes and forgets to say hey to Namjoon as he walks towards it in excitement. Namjoon never told him he had a dog.

He squats down in front of it, frowns a bit at the lack of water and food, and looks up to see Yoongi wrapped up in Namjoon's arms already, smile wide and gummy. "Joon?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Can I pet your puppy?"

The room goes silent and Yoongi is already stepping away from Joon, walking over to Jungkook when Namjoon speaks up again.

"No, baby, he's not here anymore," he replies softly, following after Yoongi and towards Jungkook, squatting down next to the boy and staring at the dog's leftover things. "He's gone."

"Why do you still have his stuff?"

"Because I'm sad," Namjoon says quietly, voice breaking a bit at the end. "I'm really sad without my puppy and I like to pretend he's still here."

"Doesn't that hurt?"

"More than anything," Namjoon admits and breathes out shakily, feeling Yoongi kneel down next to him and grip his bicep tightly. "But--uh--I think it's time I put his stuff away, yeah? Wanna help me, Kookie?"

Jungkook nods and waits for Namjoon to grab the bowls and place one of them in his arms as Namjoon takes the other one and the other little things, leading them towards the garage where he grabs a box and places them gently inside. He's silent, staring down at the box of things, and Jungkook stands next to him staring too.

"It's ok to cry, Joon," Jungkook whispers. "Yoongi never cries when he's sad, but he says it's ok to do it."

"I try not to cry either," Namjoon whispers back.

"Why?"

Namjoon shakes his head. "I'm--I'm not sure. I--I think it's cause my parents didn't cry when they were sad. They didn't like it either. I just, I think adults don't like crying because once we start it's hard to stop."

"That's ok, you don't have to stop."

"What if I flood the whole world?" Namjoon asks playfully but his voice is wobbly again.

"Then the air pirates will come and save you," Jungkook says. "Like the ones you draw. You can be the prince, Joon, and I'll be the captain of the ship and I'll save you and Yoongi. I promise."

Namjoon's hands shake as he reaches up to wipe at his face. "Jungkook, I'm a really sad person, baby."

"I still love you, Joon, even if you're sad."

The sound that Namjoon makes is broken and this time he doesn't try to stop the tears, doesn't stop the feelings that come rushing in after so long. Everything hurts. Losing Rapmon hurts. Letting go hurts. And being loved even when he can't be the very best of himself hurts the worst.

He feels silly and stupid, crying over a box of old stuff, but he does. He cries and holds Jungkook's hand and hides his face in Yoongi's neck as he sort of breaks down over everything. There's just so much to cry over. There're so many reasons to flood the world entirely.

He just wanted to be loved, he just wanted to be wanted. He wanted the loneliness to stop, wanted to stop being angry, wanted to stop being in love who didn't want him back. And standing in his garage with Jungkook and Yoongi, he finds it's easy to be so sad because he knows it's temporary. Namjoon feels safe.

*

They had plans, Yoongi and Namjoon had made them especially for Jungkook so he wouldn't get bored. But those plans are thrown out the window. Instead, they're on his couch with Namjoon on his back and his head in Yoongi's lap as Jungkook lays on top of him and watches the tv. It's a bad day, a dark day, feels the energy drain from his bones and the thought of getting up makes him want to cry.

But Yoongi is there rubbing his head, giving him kisses, letting him feel because it's good to feel even when it feels bad. And Jungkook is there clinging onto Namjoon because he loves him. Namjoon is loved.

Even hours later, when Jungkook is restless and Yoongi is hungry and Namjoon still can't move, they just wrap him up tightly in blankets like a little burrito of sadness, and order pizza so that Namjoon doesn't have to move.

When it's time to leave, hours later and Jungkook asleep in Yoongi's arms, Namjoon asks Yoongi to stay. Not for the night, but forever.

"Not yet," Yoongi whispers, kisses his mouth before he steps away and towards the taxi. "But soon, I promise."

*

It's a usual work night for Yoongi when it happens. His streets gets put on lockdown right as he's shoving his worn shoes onto his feet and no one gets to come in or leave. There's something on the news about a shooting in one of the buildings near him, which isn't honestly a surprise. But it's who lost their life that has them on lockdown.

No one cares if a drug addict overdoses, no one cares if someone like him gets his throat slit, no one gives a shit if someone just ends up with a gunshot to their chest on the corner if they live here. But one outsider, someone with a little more money to their name, someone a little better than them gets killed and it's like the whole world stops turning.

Not even killed, some rich man gets hurt and the whole world suddenly has eyes and can see all of them. What the rich man was doing with a sixteen year old in his car in an alley that caused her to stab him in the gut is ignored, instead they're looking for the sixteen year old as they would a serial killer.

Suddenly, Yoongi feels a lot less safe in these four walls, feels less safe leaving Jungkook alone.

*

"Are you sure this is ok?" Yoongi asks quietly, staring at Namjoon in his apartment already starting to set up his art stuff to draw with Jungkook.

"Yoongi, it's fine," Namjoon says easily enough, opens up to a page already full of sketches that he gives Jungkook to look over. "Me and Jungkook have important business to attend to, ok? We have a job to do that you're interrupting," he jokes lightly.

"A job, Yoongi," Jungkook agrees. "I like this one," he adds in and points to the page, showing it to Namjoon. "And this one."

"Are you s--

"Baby," Namjoon laughs softly, "it's ok. I got this. It's ok."

"Yeah, I can take care of Joon," Jungkook says with a roll of his eyes.

"Exactly. I don't need a babysitter but since you insist then I guess Jungkook will do," Namjoon jokes again. "We'll be fine."

"I just--ok. Ok."

"I'll pick you up when you call?"

"Ok," Yoongi agrees softly. "Promise me you'll both be ok."

"We'll be ok," they both promise at the same time.

It doesn't soothe Yoongi's nerves but he leaves for work anyways.

He can barely concentrate on anything else, barely flirts with customers, doesn't really get as many of them interested. But when he meets up with Namjoon at nearly three in the morning, Namjoon updates him that Jungkook is safe and tucked into bed and that the comic book he's been drawing up is on page three.

"Port Blue?" Yoongi asks quietly, breathing out a sigh of relief.

Namjoon shakes his head. "Nah, it started giving me a headache so we went to Akimigaara. They now use a soul sword to fight the dragons."

"How does that even work?"

"We are, uh, still figuring out the mechanics and technicalities of it all. Honestly, Kook is the one with the ideas, I'm just helping sketch them out. It's--fuck, it's good though. He's so fucking bright."

Yoongi nods, smiles proudly, "yeah," he whispers. "Yeah he really is."

"Have you ever thought about art school?"

Of course he has. A year ago when Jungkook's teachers started to mention that his imagination was too advanced for a six year old and his technique was starting to get better, he'd looked into it. Still has the papers tucked under his bed from where he had applied for some sort of scholarship for him. The letter denying him for even an interview is tucked away with it too. They wouldn't even give Jungkook a chance.

"Yeah. But art schools cost a lot of money, Joon."

"There's scholarships."

"Tried that," Yoongi argues back. "Didn't even take him into account."

"Did you have a recommendation?" Namjoon asks quickly.

"No, uhm, his teachers aren't like--they're not world renowned, ya know? It's fine. I'll just--he'll be ok. He's fine. We're good."

Namjoon hums a bit and nods. "Do you know I've had artist block for a while right?"

"I assumed."

"Yeah, I--after Minki and the Starwhale I sort of lost my love for art. It was just a job after that and, like, I don't know. Just couldn't find the love for it."

"What changed?"

"I met you," Namjoon admits easily. "We went on that date together and for the first time I wanted to draw. I--Kook is amazing, ok? He's amazing. And he's helping me so fuckin' much with my new work right now and my company is shitting themselves with what Jin's been teasing them with and it, just--I want to put his name on there."

"On what?"

"My comic book. I want him to get the credit he deserves."

Yoongi blinks at him and then frowns. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I'm asking for permission to put Jungkook's name on it? He'll get a portion of the royalties, he'll get something under his name. Yoongi, he'll have a foot in the door since now so when he's older and he wants to pursue whatever he wants to, he'll have that in his records. He can say he was apart of a published comic book and if it gets traction, he can say he had a part of a big comic book."

Yoongi is silent for so long that Namjoon gets nervous but then he eventually speaks up. "Are you serious?"

Namjoon nods, drops Yoongi's hand to grab his shoulders. "I'm not joking, I--Jungkook is amazing , Yoongi. This isn't--I want this for him. I want him to have something, I want people to know how fuckin' brilliant this kid is, Yoon. I want people to know how brilliant your kid is."

Yoongi has to blink away the wetness from his eyes, laughs it away and shakes his head in disbelief. "You can't be serious."

"I'm so serious."

This is everything Yoongi has ever wanted: a chance for Jungkook. Now he has it, it's being offered to him and Yoongi feels sick to his stomach about it. "I don't know, Joon. This is--fuck, this is big. I-- will your manager be ok with it?"

"I don't care," Namjoon laughs. "I'm doing it because it's right. He can't just sit here and work for free."

"He's seven," Yoongi argues. "He can't work at all. That's child labor, that's illegal here," Yoongi says and then laughs a bit, covers his mouth and takes a step back. "You're--you're serious? You would...you would do that for Kook? You'd--oh wow."

"I'm serious," Namjoon agrees. "He's the one that gave me inspiration to start this and he continues to help me. His name deserves to be there."

Yoongi shakes his head. "He--he's seven. He--no. He can't get the royalties, there's like--there's gotta be somethin' against child labor and shit. I don't know. But if he's--if he's helped then yeah. Please put his name on it if you think he's helped enough. I just--oh god. He's gonna flip."

Namjoon laughs and grabs at Yoongi's face, pulling him in for a kiss and nodding. "You're gonna love it, Yoon. As soon as something is solid, we'll let you read it."

And Yoongi agrees just so that he can get another kiss, but his tummy is fluttering with all of these little butterflies from Namjoon's kisses and the thought of Jungkook's future. He's getting a fuckin' chance at something more. Fuck. "I can't believe you've been putting my kid to work," he jokes lightly against Namjoon's lips.

In retaliation, Namjoon snorts, and then playfully crowds Yoongi against the nearest building and traps him with his hands on either side of his head. "Yeah, and what're you gonna do about it, punk?" Namjoon chuckles. "Can't do nothing about it so I'm just gonna continue to force Jungkook to follow his dreams and help him get there and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

"How dare you, you monster," Yoongi replies in mock horror before he's grinning and chuckling and Namjoon leans in to kiss him gently. "How dare you make him happy.....make me happy," he adds, much softer this time.

"It's just payback for you two making me happy too," Namjoon whispers.

Everything feels so good, so fucking perfect. Yoongi's eyes sting again and he wants to cry because everything feels so fucking good. Min Yoongi feels a little more human than before, feels himself on the verge of something big.

*

"I told you to not bring clients around," John says firmly when Yoongi goes inside his building without Namjoon. Yoongi rolls his eyes at him, ignores him, and keeps walking. "Don't be rude."

"You're being rude," Yoongi argues back and goes right towards the stairs. "He's not a client, John, he's my boyfriend."

"Everyone's your boyfriend, Yoongi. This entire state is your boyfriend. They pay you. You belong to everyone, you cheap whore."

Yoongi stops walking and grips the railing tightly. "No, they pay to fuck me, John. And, unlike you, they can actually afford me," he says firmly and then smiles at the taunt.

"You fucki--

"Stay out of my business, John!"

"Who you bring around is my business," John shouts back, follows Yoongi up the stairs and grabs for his arm. "This is my building!"

"Yeah, and I'm not fucking staying here for free," Yoongi argues. "I pay my fucking rent!"

"And when you don't you'll be kicked out on the streets."

Yoongi laughs. "Good thing cheap whores sell fast, huh?"

"How fast can you sell yourself, Yoongi?" John laughs. "How fast can you make seven fifty?"

"Seven what?"

"Thought you were just cheap, turns out you're stupid too," John spits out. "Seven hundred and fifty dollars, Yoongi. That's you're new rent. And if I see your client again, I'll raise it to eight fifty. And every time I see him it's another hundred more."

"I'll just leave," Yoongi snorts.

"And if you leave who can guarantee I'll keep my mouth shut, huh? Wouldn't child services love to hear about how much you charge to take a dick up your ass? Or what about the police? What would happen to that little kid of yours when you're getting fuckin' ganged up on for free behind bars?"

Yoongi grinds his teeth together harder and glares at John. There's a gun in his bag, there's a gun in his bag but there's nothing he can do with it. John stands proudly in front of him, smirking, enjoying the surge of power he feels before Yoongi is finally breaking and dropping his eyes to the ground.

Yoongi knows men like him. He's seen them so many times, he's fucked them, been humiliated by them. He's had to crawl around on his hands and knees, beg to be fucked or beg for their money. He's had to choke on their dicks. But not this time. He won't give him that satisfaction.

This is his home. This is his sanctuary, his safe space. He raises his head, nose high in the air in defiance and shrugs without worry. "Fine. Seven fifty."

"Don't be late."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Yoongi says through clenched teeth and turns around and walks away, his heart hammering in his chest.

"Think what's best for Jungkook," It's John's turn to taunt and Yoongi feels sick but refuses to turn around.

Fuck.

It's fine.

It's only two hundred more as long as he keeps Namjoon away. As long as he pays on time too, Jungkook is fine. Everything is fine.

It's fucking fine.

*

"What's wrong?" Namjoon asks when he picks Yoongi up the next night. "Why didn't you call me to come watch Kook?"

"Just--nothing," Yoongi whispers and forces a smile on his face. "Just-- it's nothing," he insists and drags him back towards the apartment before he stops them right across the street from the complex. "Uh--just--my landlord's being weird," Yoongi says quietly. "He said he doesn't want me bringing home clients," he explains softly.

"I'm not--

"I know," Yoongi whispers and sighs. "He's just..cautious. I could be lying, ya know? Wants to keep the peace or whatever. It's fine."

"Yoongi?"

"Namjoon, it's fine," he says again and reaches up to cup Namjoon's face in his large hands. "I promise it's fine."

"You'd tell me if it wasn't, right?" Namjoon asks.

It's a dirty trick because Namjoon knows Yoongi can't lie. He won't. Yoongi huffs, shakes his head. "I don't make promises I can't keep."

"How about this, you tell me if you can't handle it. If it's too much, if it's too bad, come to me, ok?"

That Yoongi can do. "Ok," he agrees easily and watches as Namjoon grabs Yoongi's hands from his face and brings his knuckles up to kiss and Yoongi pulls his hands back instantly. "Stop, no. I'm dirty."

"You're not dirty," Namjoon says quietly and kisses his hand anyways. "You are never dirty and I will never hurt you, Yoongi. Remember that."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Kim Namjoon."

"I don't," he replies firmly.

He's so sure of himself and his words that Yoongi almost believes him.

Almost.

*

Yoongi winces when Namjoon presses his lips to his the next night. Namjoon immediately pulls back and stares at him. "Fuck, babe. I'm sorry. I didn't--

"No, it--it's--it wasn't a terrible night. I just--it was a few dudes that got a little rough," Yoongi soothes him easily, grabs Namjoon's hands and squeezes.

Just a little rough.

Yoongi thinks it's fine, that it wasn't that bad. Namjoon doesn't have to know he's bleeding under his skirt. He doesn't have to know that Yoongi's body feels so fucking sore, that his throat is raw from throwing up because apparently the men were into that. He doesn't need to know because he's three hundred dollars richer and he can pay John seven fucking hundred and fifty fucking dollars on fucking time. It's fine.

"I can keep Kook at my place if you ever need me too," Namjoon offers now that he's not even allowed near the building. "I'd love to have him over. He's my muse. Like, honestly, I can just keep him in my office all day so we can brainstorm and I'll feed him pancakes and pay him in crayons. Win win situation."

"I'm against child labor," Yoongi says again and smacks Namjoon's chest lightly.

Namjoon takes his fingers again and brings them up to his mouth and Yoongi rips them from his hand before stepping back. "Sorry, I'm just--

"You're not dirty," Namjoon starts to argue but Yoongi won't have it.

"Not tonight. Just--not tonight," he whispers and Namjoon gives in and doesn't keep on.

It's fine.

Yoongi is fine.

*

Within the span of another month, Namjoon manages to draw up nine character concepts with a rough draft of the story itself. Which, honestly, is massive. Minki and the Starwhale was a sweet little story with a sad ending but now Port Blue is complicated, with its own government system and rules that are integral to the story and a hidden history that he needs to incorporate somewhere. And the nine characters are all queer and all lovely, three dimensional characters that are the heart and soul of the story. He loves them all.

He thanks Jungkook for all of that help and smiles a bit at the thought of it before Taehyung is pulling him out of his head. "Ok, so Jungkook is Yoongi's son?" He asks through the phone.

"No," Namjoon disagrees, erases a line he's just done on some concept art he's been working on and sighs. "He's Yoongi's brother but he's got custody over him. He's the one that's been helping me. He's getting his name in the credits."

"Isn't that too soon?"

"What do you mean?"

Tae sighs. "You're doing a lot for them, Joon. I'm just--is it too soon to be putting his name on things? He sounds like a really sweet kid, seems bright. But, I mean...."

"I'm not doing this for Yoongi," Namjoon says slowly and puts down his pencil. "I'm doing this because Jungkook is a really bright kid and, and it'd be wrong of me if I ignored all the hard work he's put into it."

" You're right ," Tae concedes and then sighs. "Ok, so Yoongi's got full custody. What's he do? For a job?"

Namjoon worries at his bottom lip. "He—uh—he works nights."

"That's how you guys manage to spend so much time together? Makes sense."

"It's...anyways, Jungkook is so bright, ya know? Like—he's just so damn smart. And Yoongi is so good with him. Like—you know how my parents were? You remember, right?"

"Neglectful assholes, ya. Hard to forget, Joon."

"Yoongi's nothing like that. He seriously does everything for his little brother it's—honestly, it's refreshing. It's amazing to see love like that, ya know?"

"But Joon, are you even ready for a kid? I mean..."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Yoongi and Jungkook seem great. Don't get me wrong, they seem fucking fantastic and I'm so happy you're happy, but that's, like--there's a kid involved, Joon. And he introduced you really early on to his kid. Isn't that kind of a red flag? Like don't usually people wait on that sort of thing? It's different when you're with someone who has a kid already. And, like, you didn't even really want kids and now suddenly you're a little happy family?"

The words hurt because they're not wrong. Namjoon doesn't want kids, never has. Doesn't want a family, didn't want to be with anyone and Taehyung was the person he broke down to about it. But that was years ago. That was...that was different. He was different. "Tae, I said that when i was fucking drowning in a depressive episode," Namjoon argues. "I--I wasn't myself. I didn't want anyone, I didn't even want friends. I didn't--I didn't want me. That's not fair. You can't use that against me, it's not fair."

"But, Joon."

"Why're you being like this?"

Taehyung sighs, long and hard into the phone. "I'm just scared for you, alright? I-I know it's been a long time. I know it's—I'm just scared. I'm scared because I know you and I know how you are and you are...you're so fucking loyal and your intentions are just pure. You're a fucking angel and I'm scared someone will clip your wings. I'm scared they'll use you and drain you until there's nothing left."

For the first time in a very long time, Namjoon wants to just hang up and be mad at Taehyung. He wants to yell at him "what about what you did to me?" And let it hurt Taehyung. But he doesn't. Because he knows that Taehyung means well and Taehyung never intentionally hurt him, it was his brain and his expectations and his toxic mindset. He gets it.

But sometimes it'll still creep up on him and he has to bury the instinct to lash out at everyone.

"I hear you," Namjoon says slowly. "And you're my best friend and I love you so much and I get why you're scared, I do. I am fragile. I am sick and my brain is weird but my depression has been getting better, ok? I'm working again, I'm going out again. Taehyung, I have a boyfriend and my boyfriend has the coolest kid in the world and honestly, I like it. I like the three of us. It's like..we make sense, ok? Just...just give him a chance. That's all he needs. That's all I ever fucking needed was for someone to take a chance on me," he finishes off and swallows thickly.

"I'm just--I'm scared. I'm just scared. I--ok," Tae sighs. "When can I meet him?"

*

Yoongi's skin feels weird. Feels like there's a thick layer of something over it, he feels like a snake that needs to shed but can't. He wants to though, wants to so desperately so maybe the bruises on his thighs will finally permanently leave. So that he--

"Baby?"

Yoongi snaps back into reality, looks away from the spot he'd been staring at and looks at Namjoon and Jungkook across from him, cheeks full of pancakes. "Hm?"

"You--you haven't touched your food," Namjoon points out and Jungkook stares even harder at him.

"Yoongi? Are you sad? Did someone hurt you?"

Yoongi almost laughs right in their faces at that. He almost fucking cackles right out of his seat because that's one funny fucking question. Instead, he plasters on a smile and shakes his head. "I'm good, baby. Both babies," he adds in and looks up at Namjoon. "Long....long night," he hesitates. "Tired."

"Take a day off," Namjoon offers.

He can't. He wants to so fucking bad but he can't. He can't. The money jar isn't full. It's half empty and rent is higher now because of his stupid big fucking mouth. He should've kept it shut. He should've begged. Is it too late to beg? Is--

"I will. Just...not yet," Yoongi says, voice a bit more strained. "I just, uh, I will. I promise but I'm fine. Everything is fine."

*

"Call me daddy," the man whispers into Yoongi's neck, thrusts roughly inside of him until it hurts. It hurts. "Call me daddy."

"I don't want to," Yoongi whispers, shakes his head desperately. "I don't want--

"Call me daddy and I'll give you more money, you need money, don't you? Do what I want. Be a good little boy. Call me daddy."

"Daddy," Yoongi whispers, closes his eyes tightly. "Fuck me, daddy. Fuck me hard," he murmurs and the words are so familiar, the weight of the man feels so wrong because he remembers being pinned down until he couldn't breathe, another man whispering for him to say the same words he has to say now.

The world gets fuzzy and slow and he's not in a hotel room on a double bed, he's home. In his home. His old home with his mom's room right across from his. "Daddy, it hurts," Yoongi whimpers but his voice is too high, too small.

"You'll get used to it."

*

Yoongi calls Namjoon at six in the morning and Namjoon has to hold him tightly so he doesn't shake out of his skin on the train back home because Yoongi can't physically walk. He can't do much of anything. He just stares ahead and pretends everything is fine. He just has to keep going.

*

"Is Yoongi gonna be mad we didn't tell him?" Jungkook asks Namjoon as they hold hands and walk down to the little market near Namjoon's house.

Yoongi is still asleep in Namjoon's bed, curled up tightly in a little ball and recovering. They'd come over early in the morning for their routine of breakfast but Yoongi had looked so out of it and tired that Namjoon had sent him to bed and promised to wake him up in thirty minutes. That was three hours ago.

Instead, while Yoongi's been asleep, they've been drawing in his office. Jungkook has twenty new art pieces in his portfolio that's sitting on Namjoon's desk and an outstanding recommendation from Kim Namjoon himself that's been folded up neatly and tucked into an envelope to be sent out to the art school near Namjoon's house.

"Maybe," Namjoon admits softly. "Probably. But think about it, Kook. Think about how cool it would be if you got in? You in a fancy art school," he says lightly and lifts Jungkook up so he can slide the little envelope into the slot. "You'd be the coolest kid there."

"Do you think I'm good enough, Joon?" Jungkook asks quietly when he's been set down again, fiddling with his fingers and staring down at the dirt under his nails. "Do you think I can do it?"

"Of course you're good enough. You're more than good enough, Kook," Namjoon whispers. "If anything, we need to make sure they're good enough for you," he says lightly, kneeling down to be Jungkook's eye level. "What makes you think you can't do it?"

"I'm different."

"So?"

"No," Jungkook murmurs. "I don't--I don't have a mommy or, or, or a daddy. I don't have fancy stuff. I don't want it. I don't need it. But--but what if fancy art schools want that but I can't give it to them? They're fancy for a reason. They want full money jars and I don't want Yoongi to work more. I don't need an art school if I have Yoongi and you."

"If a fancy art school only wants you for your money jar, they don't deserve you. Art was never meant to be elitist," Namjoon says and makes a face when he realizes Jungkook won't know the word. "What I mean is..uh..if an art school only wants you for your money jar, they're not an art school. That's not art. Art is free, it's everywhere, Kookie. Art isn't a privilege, art is your soul and if they don't want your soul then we can send Akimigaara to destroy them with their soul sword."

Jungkook smiles timidly and nods. "I wanna be as good as you, Joon," he murmurs.

"You'll never be as good as me, Kook. You're gonna be so much better," Namjoon says honestly.

*

When Yoongi wakes up in Namjoon's bed, it's early in the afternoon and he's slept for four hours. Panic sets in for a second when the house is silent, he runs out of bed, calls out for Joon and Jungkook and then starts to shake when there's no one there to reply.

A million things run through his head but none of them finish processing because the door opens and Jungkook walks in holding a tiny bag of groceries and Namjoon's free hand while his other arm is loaded with more. "And then the assassin falls in love with the prince," Jungkook says, too distracted by whatever he's saying to notice Yoongi.

"Ok, but what about his marriage thing?" Namjoon huffs and closes the door behind him with his foot.

"The assassin stops it, duh."

"And then the chosen one helps stop it with their new found abilities, yeah? Maybe that's who distracts the royal guard enough so the assassin can steal him away again but this time the prince wants to go too?" Namjoon asks seriously.

"Exact--Yoongi!" Jungkook drops his bag of groceries to run into his older brother's arms, hiding his face in his chest and making happy little noises. "Yoongi, Namjoon got me curly fries. I love curly fries now. And, and we got dino nuggets!"

"Dino nuggets?" Yoongi asks brightly, places a kiss on Jungkook's chubby cheek before standing up to smile at Namjoon, pretending he didn't panic that his boyfriend might've kidnapped his little brother. In his defense, he's sleepy. "Is that for breakfast? Or, well, shit. It's lunch. Dear God, why'd you guys let me sleep for so long."

"Because you work too much," Jungkook complains lightly, walking through Namjoon's kitchen to get into his studio.

"You heard the man," Namjoon agrees, dropping the groceries into the kitchen and then turning around to grab Yoongi by his tiny hips and pull him in for a kiss. "Morning, beautiful."

"Mornin'," Yoongi grumbles, sighs a bit and lets himself be coddled a bit. "Thank you."

Namjoon hums in response, placing a little kiss to the top of his head before he's pulling back to start putting groceries away. "I wouldn't mind doing this more often. Having a sleepy you just sleeping in while me and Kook slave away getting groceries."

Yoongi laughs, shoves at Namjoon playfully and bends down to help him put stuff away. "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"I'm serious."

"You're always serious."

"Yoongi," Namjoon says his name sharply and Yoongi flinches. "I'm serious."

Yoongi swallows thickly and doesn't respond.

*

When their bellies are full of curly fries and dino nuggets, Jungkook goes down easily for his nap on Namjoon's bed. The couple stay in the living room, curled up on the couch under a thick blanket sharing little kisses as the movie plays in the background. It's so nice, Yoongi feels his entire body warming up and unwinding. He wants this to last forever.

"There's a school near here," Namjoon murmurs against his mouth, lips trailing down to his neck to lightly kiss the sensitive skin.

A soft gasp leaves Yoongi's mouth and he curls his fingers into the younger man's hair and holds him there, giving him silent permission to keep going, to kiss the other marks away. "Yeah?"

"It's an art school."

"Ok?"

Namjoon bites at the skin and his hand slides down to Yoongi's lower back as he arches towards the artist, making a soft sound as he does. "Jungkook could go there," he murmurs against him and then finds himself with a lap full of Min Yoongi, staring up at the older man's soft face.

"It's not near my place," Yoongi reminds him. "Too far to take the bus every morning."

He doesn't let Namjoon respond, presses their mouths together to shut him up. Yoongi's own hands rest on his shoulders then slowly inch up to hold his face in his hands. He has to remind himself that Namjoon's not a client and doesn't have to pretend that it feels good, doesn't have to feel guilty even if it does.

"Joon," Yoongi whimpers into his mouth, grabs at his hands and places them on his body. "Fuck me."

"Not yet," Namjoon replies and laughs softly when Yoongi makes a frustrated noise, then moves them so Yoongi's pinned on the couch under him. "I want it to be special."

"Why?" Yoongi laughs softly, pulls his face down to kiss him. "I sleep with people for money, Joon. I haven't been a virgin since I was eleven. What's the big deal?"

Everything sort of stops moving as Yoongi's words sink in. Namjoon sits up and stares down at him. "Wait, what? You were eleven?"

"Yeah," Yoongi laughs, shrugs his shoulders. "What's the big deal, Joon? It's just sex."

"It's--it's, Yoongi. You were eleven?"

"Yes," Yoongi snaps, drags himself from under Namjoon and sits up properly. "Didn't realize how much of a slut I was, huh? I've always been a good slut," Yoongi says the words but there's nothing to them, there's no real feeling to them.

There's nothing. He feels nothing. He just wants to feel something right now even if the feelings make his skin crawl, even if they hurt.

"Yoongi--

"My brother can't go to an art school because I can barely afford to feed him and all I'm good at is spreading my fucking legs," he says quickly, eyes cast down. "I just want to give him the best and this, this right here, is the best I can do. I can fuck men for money and pay my rent and feed him and sometimes buy him some cool stuff and if you can't accept that then--

"Are you serious right now?" Namjoon asks softly. "Who--Yoongi, Jungkook has a chance to--

"To what? Get his hopes fucking crushed?" Yoongi asks seriously.

"He has a chance to go and follow his dreams," Namjoon argues back. "Yoongi, Jungkook wants this."

Yoongi's wide eyes wither down to tight slits. "What did you do?"

"Nothing! I just--

"What bullshit have you been feeding him?"

"It's not fucking bullshit," Namjoon grits out, moves to sit properly on the couch, clenching and unclenching his fists nervously. "I just--I just wanted, I didn't--he's so good."

"He's seven."

"And he's fucking good. He--he," Namjoon stops talking and looks down at his hands. "I wrote him a recommendation to that school. They're gonna want to interview him, see his stuff."

"You used your name?" Yoongi hisses. "Namjoon!"

"So they would fucking take a second look, Yoongi! If he gets in it'll be all on him. That's on his talent, Yoongi. Not cause of my name. I promised him--

"You don't make promises you can't keep, Namjoon. Not to my fucking kid," he spits out, gets off the couch to grab for his shoes.

"I'm not doing anything except trying to fucking help!"

"We don't need it!" Yoongi yells back. " I don't need it. I can do it all by myself. I've done it for fucking years! All by my fucking self. I don't need you or anyon--

"I know you can do it alone but why would you want to when I'm right fucking here?" Namjoon asks a little desperately. "Please don't leave."

"Why?" Yoongi asks slowly, he doesn't have to shout for his words to fucking sting. "Scared you'll be alone again?"

"That's a low blow."

"You know what's a low blow? Me on my knees--

"Stop."

"Taking it from the back like a good little--

"Yoongi, enough."

"Slut that I am."

"You're not a slut," Namjoon breathes out softly. "You're not."

His words are soft. His voice is sweet. Yoongi wants to ruin him. "How deep in denial are you about what I am? About what we are? I'm fucking trash. Your shoes, your stupid fucking ugly shoes are worth more than a month's rent for me. Me grabbing pizza sometimes sets me back another client. What don't you understand that we're two different people from two different worlds and we're only pretending we fit together when we fucking don't, Namjoon. I don't fit in your life. Jungkook doesn't fit. No matter how fucking empty you are, we will never be enough to fill your fucking emptiness so just fucking stop."

Namjoon stares at him silently for a while before he stands up, walks over to Yoongi and Yoongi's pulse rises, his insides sing because this is it. This is when Namjoon shuts him up with a slap across his face, maybe now he'll fucking him quiet, maybe now Namjoon will finally put him in his place. Yoongi is desperate for it. Desperate to be reminded that he's nothing. Desperate for Namjoon to be the one to break him back down so he can't feel anything again.

"Is this what you really feel about me or are you projecting what you're afraid onto me?" Namjoon asks slowly.

That hurts worse than anything else because Yoongi doesn't see it coming. " Hurt me, " Yoongi whispers quietly. "Please?"

"No," Namjoon refuses, grabs Yoongi's face in his hands and rubs at his cheeks. "I can't. I won't hurt you, baby."

"Just--just fucking do it. Why won't you do it?" Yoongi asks a little desperately. "Just--

"I won't hurt you," Namjoon murmurs, leans in to press his forehead against Yoongi's. "I love you."

"You can't love me," Yoongi murmurs. "It's impossible. I'm--you don't know everything yet. I'm--"I'm dirty," Yoongi murmurs.

"You're not dirty."

"No, I'm--I'm really dirty. You just don't understand yet."

"Then help me understand."

"Not yet," Yoongi whispers, opens his eyes to look at Namjoon. "Not yet."

"That's ok, baby. Not yet," Namjoon agrees, then wraps his arms around Yoongi's shaking frame and holds him together. "Why're you shaking?"

"I'm--I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of you. Of this. Of being fucking happy," he says softly.

"That's ok, we'll take it slow," Namjoon whispers back, pulls away and steps back to hold out his hand towards Yoongi and doesn't pressure him to take it, doesn't get close. Patiently, he waits for Yoongi to reach out and take his hand back and lets himself be pulled into his arms again, feels his body relax as Namjoon surrounds him entirely and buries his face in his neck. "Stay with me, Yoongi," he whispers into his skin. "I can make you happy."

And the scary part is that Yoongi believes him. He buries his face further into Namjoon's chest and nods. "I feel like I don't fit in your life, Joon," he admits quietly. "I feel like I don't belong."

"Yoongi, you and Jungkook are--I just--you more than fit. I-- come on. I wanna show you something."

"What about Jungkook?"

"Wake him up," Joon says easily and smiles. "Come on. We're going on an adventure."

*

"Jungkook," Yoongi murmurs into his ear, brushing his hair back away from his face. He smiles as the little boy groans, refuses to wake up but Yoongi insists anyways. "Come on, Kook. We're going on an adventure with Joon, ok?"

Just at the mention of Joon's name one of Jungkook's eyes open suspiciously. "I had a bad dream," he murmurs. "I heard yelling."

It wasn't a dream. It was their fight but Yoongi isn't about to tell him that. "Everything's ok now, Kookie. Come on. Don't you want to go on an adventure with us?"

Jungkook is weak for adventures. Away he goes so easily into his brother's arms, being helped into his shoes and then taken outside where Namjoon takes them away in a taxi on an adventure like he promised. He's still a little groggy from his nap, rubs at his eyes tiredly and then makes a face as he sees them pull up to a scary tall building.

"This is my job, Kookie. I want you to meet some people," Namjoon says softly and leads them inside.

Inside, however, all traces of Jungkook's drowsiness disappears. The high ceilings, the many fancy suits on fancy people, the walls decorated with large signs and pictures of superheroes. But what Jungkook is most excited about seeing is the massive whale above their heads being suspended by wires.

"That is the starewhale," Namjoon says softly to him. "It's one of the ones they used for my movie," he explains.

"Joon," Jungkook breathes out, eyes wider than ever now. "Yoongi, I want a starwhale."

"Me fucking too," Yoongi whispers as he stares up at the ceiling before realizing that the area the starwhale is tucked away in has been painted to represent the views of space. "This is fucking cool."

"Come on," Namjoon laughs lightly, takes Yoongi's hand and tugs him forward. "You should meet someone."

He drags them into the back area where it's so crowded like it is in the movies. Everyone's on their phones, everyone's got stacks of papers in their hands, everyone's got no time to stop and say hello. But Namjoon does. He waves to every single person there, knows their name, and then walks right into an office without knocking.

"Jin, meet Jungkook," he says proudly and Jungkook hides behind Yoongi's legs, peeking out his head to see the scary man sitting behind the desk. "And this is Yoongi."

Yoongi lowers his eyes to the ground, smiles a bit and looks over at Jungkook. "Say hi, Kook."

When Jungkook hides again, he doesn't blame him.

"So you're the little muse Namjoon keeps talking to me about," Jin says lightly, stands up and walks around the desk to kneel in front of Jungkook. "You weren't kidding. Jungkook is scary," Jin says softly. "Don't look him in the eyes, right Joon? Or he might attack?" Jungkook peeks his eyes out and watches as Jin recoils and shuts his eyes. "Please? Please don't hurt me."

Jungkook laughs softly, grips Yoongi's pants tighter but steps out of hiding a bit. "I'm not gonna hurt you."

"Are you sure?" Jin asks, refuses to open his eyes. "Pinky promise?"

"Promise," Jungkook agrees and smiles more when Jin opens his eyes and relaxes a bit.

"It's an honor to meet you, sir. Namjoon has only good things to say about you," Jin says easily and holds out his hand for Jungkook to shake.

When Jungkook shakes his hand, Jin bows a bit in respect before he stands up and offers out his hand to Yoongi. "Forgive me, Jungkook is Namjoon's biggest muse."

Yoongi laughs and shakes his head. "It's--it's ok. I'm--it's fine."

"God, Jimin and Tae are gonna be so jealous that I met you two first," Jin says happily and steps back. "Dinner? Tour? What're you guys wanting to do? We could do dinner and a tour?"

"Dinner and a tour?" Jungkook asks.

"Oh, you are in for a treat," Jin says happily.

*

Jungkook's fingers are covered in pizza grease by the time they make it to the first room of Jin's tour. Inside, there's just books. Lots and lots of books. "This is everything this company has ever published," Jin explains quietly, letting Yoongi and Jungkook walk in first. "We started back in the fifties selling the comic strips to newspapers. Here, this is ours," Jin says, moves to point to something framed on the wall.

The first comic strip they ever printed sits inside it's glass case, yellowed and frayed with age but still alive. "It's so old."

"Yeah, but it's important to keep it," Jin explains. "It's important to remember that we all come from something, even if that something looks like this," he laughs quietly. "And this one here, is Joon's."

Joon blushes a bit and Yoongi reaches out for the book being offered, bends a bit so Jungkook can see it too as he opens it up. For all that Namjoon's ever showed him, his comic isn't one of them. His throat closes up a bit with emotion as he finally sees the art printed on the paper, sees the starwhale Joon's gushed about, sees Minki standing on the planet alone. "It's so pretty."

"This is the second printed version of this," Jin says softly. "Namjoon has the original one."

And Yoongi knows that first editions are valuable, knows that Namjoon's comic is insanely popular. But what he doesn't understand is why Namjoon would let a seven year old read that comic. He's seen it in Jungkook's hands so many times, has seen him drop juice on it, get syrup on it from pancakes, he's seen the little boy drop it and all Namjoon has ever done is smile softly and clean up Jungkook's hands before helping him read it.

"This is--it's insane," Yoongi whispers, breathes out loudly and smiles.

Yoongi traces his fingers over Minki's face and then closes the book with full intentions of handing it back, but then he notices the cover and sort of stops to read the words scrawled at the bottom: Critically Acclaimed and Award Winning Artist Kim Namjoon. His fingers trace over Namjoon's name and he smiles softly, feeling so fucking proud even if he's a few years too late.

"Come on, Kook. Wanna go see some of the stuff we got to keep from the movie sets?" Jin asks.

"Movie sets? Yoongi, please? Please?" Jungkook begs.

"Fine, just--don't touch anything. Be good."

"Promise!" Jungkook barely says the word before he's running off, chasing after Jin into another room and squealing loudly.

He's alone with Namjoon again and it feels...different. So much different. "I didn't know you were such a big deal," Yoongi admits softly, turning around and offering Namjoon's book back to him.

"I'm not," Namjoon disagrees. "My work is. Not me. No one knows my face, no one knows that the guy on the train at three in the morning because he can't sleep is me. No one knows all of me," Namjoon says softly.

Yoongi makes a soft sound and reaches out for Namjoon. "I'm--

"Don't apologize," he interrupts. "It's ok. It's--it's hard, ok? It's really hard sometimes. I didn't--my parents sucked too. Less than yours and Kook's but they fuckin' sucked ass. I didn't have anyone. I didn't--I was lonely. I've always been really lonely and I'm sort of fucked up because I cling on to whoever gets closest to me and I build this life around them and it sort of always fucking hurts when they leave."

Yoongi casts his eyes down and down and doesn't say anything.

"I know why you won't accept my help. It's probably the same reason why sometimes I still panic about asking you to hang out. And, uh. It's cause you don't want to use me. I get it. I don't want to use you either because you are just so--you're so good, you're so fucking pure. "

"Namjoon, come on--

"No. No. You give up your life, you risk it everyday for Jungkook and you do it without thinking twice about it. Yoongi, when I say you're pure I mean I have never seen someone love someone so unconditionally as you do. And--and I don't want you to feel like you don't fit in my life when you really do. You really fucking do, Yoon. You fit cause I want you to."

"I--Namjoon," Yoongi whispers, grinds his teeth together and shakes. "Namjoon, I'm scared."

"What're you so scared of?"

Everything.

"I'm not ready to tell you," Yoongi whispers.

"That's ok," Namjoon murmurs, wraps his arms around Yoongi and kisses his forehead. "I'll be here when you're ready."

Yoongi reaches up and grips Namjoon's sleeves tightly, too tightly, so tightly his knuckles turn white, and whispers, "promise?"

To which Namjoon responds with, "promise."

They lean in for a kiss but it's interrupted by loud gigging from the doorway and Jin making kissy noises like a child. "So, lovebirds, when does Yoongi get to meet the rest of us?" Jin asks.

*

"Yoongi, we're gonna be late," Jungkook complains and glares over at Yoongi.

It's been about a week since Yoongi met Jin and everyday since then, Namjoon's best friend had bugged him about meeting the two boys who stole his heart. So now there's a sort of not party happening at Joon's house that he's definitely going to be late to and he's so nervous he might be sick.

"We'll be fine," Yoong insists. But they won't be fine. Or even be leaving any time soon if Yoongi keeps this up. He stares at himself in the mirror and makes a face, shakes his head. "I don't like it. It doesn't feel right," he complains and grabs at his shirt and tugs it off, tossing it somewhere on the floor and goes back to the closet in the corner of the apartment.

"Why?" Jungkook asks, doesn't bother looking up from his paper where he's been drawing for hours now.

"Because we're meeting Namjoon's friends and all my clothes scream punk kid who can't afford new ones," he complains and sighs.

His clothes are old, worn down, sometimes with little holes in them because he hasn't had the time to sit down and sew them back together again. But Jungkook's aren't. Jungkook is a growing boy and even if he stayed the same size his whole life, Yoongi would still buy him the best that he could because that's his baby. So Jungkook's in something newer and Yoongi turns and rolls his eyes when he spots the tag still on it. "Hey, pay more attention. Someone's gonna think you stole this thing," he scolds playfully and reaches out to rip the tag off.

"Wear a skirt."

Yoongi tenses up a bit and shakes his head. He...he does want to. He feels too masculine in the jeans and tee shirts, he wants to feel pretty today. He wants pink lips and hair that tickles his shoulders that Namjoon can tuck behind his ear when it falls forward into his face. He wants his legs exposed, showing off the smooth pale skin with frilly socks on his ankles.

He wants to feel pretty.

But he's meeting Namjoon's friends and the last thing he wants to do is embarrass Namjoon. Jin was lovely but how would he take to seeing Yoongi again in a wig and skirt? Probably not well.

"I can't," Yoongi says quietly and kisses the top of Jungkook's head. "Today is important for Joon. We're meeting his friends and Jin's gonna be there. I can't."

"Namjoon likes it, though. He likes your skirts. He likes you in anything," Jungkook argues and turns to look at Yoongi properly. "Namjoon is a dumby if he can't see how pretty you look in everything."

"What if his friends don't like it?" Yoongi asks.

"Then he needs new friends."

And maybe taking advice from a seven year old isn't something normal or usual, but Yoongi has to admit that Jungkook is one fucking smart seven year old and he's so fucking right. If Namjoon's friends don't like it, Namjoon's friends can go to Hell.

*

"Where's your boyfriend?" Taehyung asks, nursing a beer in his hand as Namjoon sets the grill up in the backyard.

"Tae, quit pestering him. He's nervous as shit," Jimin laughs softly and grabs for the other boy, tugs him close and kisses his cheek.

"On his way," Namjoon says quietly and breathes out slowly.

He's just turning on the grill. Namjoon won't do the grilling, Jin's usually in charge of that part while Jimin's in charge of helping with the sides. Taehyung is in charge of drinks and Namjoon's house is the best to host everything in, it works out.

This is the first time he's ever brought anyone around, though. This is the first time he's ever felt something for someone that wasn't Taehyung and now that someone is meeting Taehyung and Namjoon is so scared.

Jimin takes one good look at him, pats his back, and then leaves to give Tae and Joon some privacy.

"I'm giving him a chance, Joon. It's ok, don't be so scared," Taehyung soothes once Jimin is out of range, reaches up and rubs Namjoon's back gently. "It'll be great. All of your friends are together and your boyfriend will be here and Jungkook and you can talk about your new book and Jin can be happy and hear you both and Jimin loves kids and meeting new people. But you know what we all have in common? It's you. We all care so much about you, Joon. It's gonna be ok," Taehyung whispers and then leans in to press his forehead against Namjoon's temple.

They've done this since they were kids. Taehyung has always been the one constant in Namjoon's life, has always been there. It's scary because Yoongi meeting Taehyung feels a lot like Namjoon's finally letting that last little piece of being in love with Taehyung go.

But what if he lets go and Yoongi lets go too?

"Joon!" Namjoon turns, then smiles wide when he sees Jungkook running across the lawn towards him, leaving behind Yoongi who's shyly standing in the door frame watching.

Namjoon grabs Jungkook, gathers him up in his arms and lifts him up easily, grins at him. "How's my little prince doing?"

"Skies are clear, Captain," Jungkook replies and laughs, lets himself be set down and then stops dead in his tracks to stare up at Tae with wide eyes. "Are you a fairy princess?"

Tae blushes a deep red and laughs, "no," he says easily. "But Jimin can make you into a fairy prince. He plays with makeup all day, he makes people really cool. He can make people into fairies and goblins and all sorts of things."

Namjoon smiles at the conversation before he turns his eyes up and he has to swallow down the lump in his throat when he finally gets a good look at Yoongi.

Yoongi who's walking across his lawn in a short black skirt that reaches up to his belly button, his pale legs completely exposed, and his midriff peeking out from the cropped yellow sweater he's wearing. His lips are a darker shade of red and his eyes are darker than usual and Namjoon pulls him in close as soon as Yoongi is close enough.

"Is this ok?" Yoongi asks, stares up at him nervously. "I wanted to look ok but I wanted to feel pretty and—

"Yoongi, you are beautiful," Namjoon whispers and smiles, leans down to press a soft kiss to his mouth. "I have the prettiest boyfriend in the entire universe."

Yoongi preens at the compliments and curls in close to him, lets himself feel good and protected against Namjoon. "Tae, this is Yoongi."

Taehyung looks up from his conversation from Jungkook and takes in Yoongi's appearance silently before he smiles a bit tightly and nods politely. "Hi, It's nice to finally meet you. Joon won't ever shut up about you or Jungkook."

Yoongi smiles shyly, looks down at the grass beneath his boots and laughs nervously. "Yeah. Uh. Joon talks a lot about you guys," he says slowly.

"Tae is a fairy prince," Jungkook adds in dreamily, never stops staring up at Taehyung with lovesick puppy eyes.

Taehyung laughs loudly and then turns his eyes to Jungkook again. "Ok, smooth talker, wanna come help me get some stuff from inside? Your fairy prince made sides and he could use some help carrying them out."

Jungkook agrees all too eagerly and nearly cries when Taehyung offers out his hand for the little boy to take. And he takes it eagerly before they're off so that they can grab some of the food from the fridge.

"Was I ok? I wasn't too weird was I? Do I have lipstick on my teeth?" Yoongi panics and looks up at Namjoon.

"You're perfect," Namjoon assures him easily and rubs up and down his arms. "Should I be jealous? I feel like you're more nervous for this than for our first date?"

"Well you're right. I rolled out of bed and threw on the first thing I saw for our first date," Yoongi laughs, grins widely and leans in to press a more firm kiss to Namjoon's mouth. "Thank you for inviting me," he whispers.

And then Namjoon is properly scolded for being a terrible host and showing favoritism to the prettiest boy there.

*

Namjoon stands next to Jin near the grille while Yoongi gets to talk to Jimin, listens intently as Jimin explains the rules of contouring and what different brushes do, gushes over Yoongi's two dollar lipstick color. Taehyung is busy with Jungkook, letting him climb all over him and pretending to be a plane that Jungkook is the pilot of. His backyard is, once again, full of life.

If Rapmon were here he'd already be whining for food at Namjoon's feet because Namjoon was never good at teaching him to not beg. He swallows the small lump in his throat and turns to look at Jin. "This is nice," he murmurs. "I missed this."

"We've missed you," Jin replies softly, staring down at the cooking meat.

"Don't have to miss me anymore," Namjoon chuckles, sips from his beer and watches as Taehyung walks over to Jimin to kiss his cheeks lightly and join in their conversation. Taehyung likes Yoongi, can see it in the way he smiles and crinkles his eyes, laughs with his entire body with his boyfriend.

"You'll be presenting soon," Jin reminds him lightly. "You ready?"

Namjoon nods. "Almost. I'll be ready soon."

"They're gonna love it, Joon. Soon enough Port Blue will be another comic and out of stock everywhere. Just you wait, buddy."

"I hope so," Namjoon agrees and finds that he's done being awkward and pretending to be a good host, he wants to show favoritism and lets himself do it.

He curls all around Yoongi, kisses his cheek, holds his hands, and finds that this moment feels perfect. Wants to draw it but knows he won't. Some moments are best felt with just the heart.

This is one of them.

And it's all his.

*

"You can't be doing shit like that here," the voice cuts through the quiet stream of the faucet running.

Yoongi had his fun, he had a normal day with Namjoon and his friends a few nights ago, he gave his little brother some sort of normalcy. But the problem with that is that they have to go back to reality and the reality is so much shittier than he wishes it was.

The reality is he sleeps with men for money and he comes home hurting more often than not.

The reality is that he just sucked off a guy in a public bathroom and let him cum in his mouth for an extra twenty, and another extra twenty for Yoongi to swallow it and he feels gross and disgusting but lucky because at least this guy didn't fuckin' clock him in the jaw or pry apart his knees for an extra hundred and fifty. This guy only held him down until he couldn't breathe, until he was choking and gagging but at least he'll feed his brother for another fucking week with this money.

But the voice that's talking to him now is from a worker who's glaring at Yoongi, who's ignoring the dead look in his eye and the slightly trembling of hands. He's ignoring all of the warning signs and is looking at Yoongi like he's a disgusting excuse for human life. And, honestly, in Yoongi's opinion, he'd agree with the worker if only for one tiny difference. Min Yoongi isn't human.

"I just wanna brush my teeth," Yoongi says softly. "I just--I'll be out of here in a second. I promise I won't come back, I just--

"No, no. You things come in here all the time and I'm sick of it. Get out or I call the cops. Actually, stay in here. Lemme teach you whores a fuckin' lesson. Let me--

"Don't," Yoongi whispers, eyes wide. "Don't. I won't come back. I won't, I'll--

"You always come back. People like you never change. You will always be the scum of the earth."

Yoongi blinks once, twice, and then he nods. "Yeah," he agrees easily. "But I have a gun in my bag and if you don't let me leave I'll kill you," he says easily enough and then smirks. "I'm the scum of the Earth, not even human. If you think me pulling the trigger is hard you're sadly mistaken, darling."

When Namjoon meets him an hour later on a curb, Yoongi's mouth has been freshly brushed and he's cleaned up his knees as best as he could. "Hey, you ok?" Namjoon asks him, reaches out to grab the smaller one and pull him closer.

Yoongi nods. "Never better," he murmurs and hides his face in Namjoon's chest, eager to get home and shower.

*

And things are so good. So good in the day time when he's with Namjoon and Jungkook. They spend their days laughing in parks, holding hands, building forts in Namjoon's living room.

It's night time when it's a shit show. When there's money, so much money being thrown around and none of it gets into Yoongi's hand. For a solid week he's desperate, lowers his prices, takes jobs he wouldn't normally because it's almost Christmas and people don't like cheating during holidays apparently.

Even going home at six in the morning isn't enough for Yoongi. His pockets are bare and he has a mouth to feed and a roof to pay for with a money jar that's barely half empty.

That's how Yoongi ends up in John's room alone, watching as the older man starts undressing him down to nothing. "Knew you'd end up here," he murmurs, doesn't kiss Yoongi."You'll take me so good, won't you?"

Yoongi doesn't reply, lets John pull down his skirt and underwear and shove him onto the bed that smells too much like cigarettes and whiskey.

"How's your boyfriend? Or is he your client now?" John breathes into his skin and Yoongi wants to push him off.

"Don't talk about him."

"Tell me I'm better than him."

"Please stop."

"What will he think when he finds out you fuck your landlord for rent?" He laughs. "What do you do for him to make him stick around?"

He loves me, Yoongi wants to say.

"How long until he realizes that he can't save you, Yoongi. You belong here. You belong rotting away with the rest of us."

"I'll save myself," Yoongi argues, makes a soft noise of protest as John turns him around and his hand comes down onto his neck and pushes so he can't move.

"There is no saving you," John whispers. "Can't even afford rent, how do you expect to save anyone, Yoongi? Money makes the world go round and you, pretty boy, don't have any of it. Don't have what it takes. All you have is this tiny heart that's so fucking fragile and a nice, loose hole for me to fuck."

"He loves me."

"Don't they always?" John murmurs. "Who broke you? Mommy? Daddy? Uncles? Did they take turns, Yoongi?"

"Fuck you."

"I like it when you fight back," John laughs. "Makes seeing the dead look in your eyes at the end of it feel so much better."

Yoongi grinds his teeth so hard they sand each other down. "Fuck you," he says slowly and shoves John off of him. "Get off. I'll get your fucking money."

"I'd rather--

"No!" Yoongi shouts, shoves John away again so hard he falls back onto the floor, right next to his bag. When John moves towards him, Yoongi doesn't hesitate to reach into his bag and grab the gun from the bottom, clicking the safety off and aiming right at his face. "I'll get your fucking money," Yoongi says quietly, voice quivering. "I'll pay you hundreds more but you don't get to fucking touch me again. You don't fucking touch me ever again or I swear to god I'll kill you."

John doesn't say a word as he grabs his clothes and leaves his own apartment, leaving Yoongi alone on the floor.

*

"Come stay with me," Namjoon offers him another week later, completely unaware of everything. "For the weekend or something, I have like a thing or whatever with the publishing house and I want you guys there."

Yoongi frowns, places the bacon on the pan and lets it start sizzling.

They're in Yoongi's apartment (because John isn't here, he's gone somewhere and Yoongi is going to take full advantage of that) with Jungkook sitting on the bed doing his homework right before he's got to get dropped off at school and Namjoon is sitting at the table trying to convince Yoongi to get a fuckin' break. But Yoongi can't afford breaks. Christmas is coming and Christmas means presents and shit and the money jar has been looking a little sad lately.

"I really can't," he admits quietly and looks over at Namjoon. "I can't--

"You can stay with me and if you need to--if you need to go to work you can, I'm not stopping you," Namjoon says softly and bites at his bottom lip. "But you don't need to keep going. You can stay with me. I'll take care of you. Both of you."

"No more late nights?" Jungkook asks hopefully, peeking up from his homework.

"Jungkook, no, mind your business," Yoongi laughs off and shakes his head, putting more bacon onto the pan. "I'm not a charity case."

"I'm not saying you are. It's truly for selfish reasons," Namjoon says with a soft grin. "Just enjoy the thought of having breakfast with you two every day. We could even have sleepovers."

Namjoon didn't sleep over, has never and will never. He can't. There's only one bed and that bed is tiny and barely fits Yoongi and Jungkook but he did come over early bearing gifts in the form of groceries that Yoongi felt too guilty about. This breakfast meal is a way of paying him back, really.

"Is this because you can't cook? I'd just be a chef to you?" Yoongi asks, turns to glare and smiles when Namjoon blushes a bit.

Namjoon's voice is small when he replies with, "but being a chef isn't so bad, right? You could do it."

You could stop being a whore.

He doesn't say it but the implication is there and Yoongi doesn't reply. It's not a conversation for Jungkook to hear. So he finishes their breakfasts and walks with his two boys afterwards to drop Jungkook off and then they head to Namjoon's house.

"I'm serious," Namjoon says once they're inside, laying on his bed all curled up. "You could--you could work at, like, a grocery store if you wanted."

Yoongi sighs. "I'm a highschool dropout. I think you need a degree or something, Joon," he says softly. "It's not enough anyways. What I make in two weeks there is like what I make in like, a few nights. It's just not enough."

"But if you were living with me then you wouldn't need to make a lot anyways," Namjoon argues. "Yoongi--

"I'm not a charity case," Yoongi says again and sits up, glaring down at Namjoon. "I'm not--I'm not gonna take your money, I'm not gonna just live here for free. Jungkook is--

"Baby, think about the art school," Namjoon says lightly, tugs at Yoongi's arm in excitement. "Think about it. They're probably gonna send Jungkook an invitation and he'll get accepted and he'll be so excited, Yoon. He'll love it there."

"Art schools cost money ," Yoongi grits out, runs his fingers through his hair and shakes his head.

"But I'm offering that, Yoongi."

"No," he snaps and shakes his head. "I can't."

"Why? Yoongi, I--" Namjoon finally sits up too, looks around the room before his eyes settle on Yoongi again. "Why won't you let me help you?"

"Because--because I can't pay you back," Yoongi admits loudly. "Because you helping me means I owe you. It means you have power over me, Joon. That's why dudes want sex with me. It's not--they can get sex anywhere. They can have it with anyone for free. They usually have fuckin' wives. I see their rings, Joon. You think these dudes fuck me because paying someone is easy? No. They get off on it, they like that they don't know me. They like that there's no attachments, they like that power, they get off on it. For however long they pay for, that's how long they have complete ownership over me. They can do whatever the fuck they want and they can keep coming back and they can keep doing it over and over and over again because I'm just some cheap whore that they don't even see as human."

Namjoon stares silently at Yoongi and then shakes his head. "I would never...

"You say you wouldn't but when people are given that power, nine times out of ten, they'll fucking abuse it."

"You really think that lowly of me?"

No.

Yoongi doesn't.

That's the problem.

Because Yoongi has spent his entire life in a state of fight or flight, has spent so long waiting for the bomb to drop, for the world to cave in, for good men to turn bad and Namjoon is the first person he's fucking praying that won't. He's the only person he's trusted and let in, the only man he has any sort of fucking faith in and it's terrifying.

He should apologize, explain thoroughly to Namjoon what's going on in his head, tell him everything, give him the gory fuckin' details of his sad, pathetic life that sad pathetic men ruined. He should tell him how one fucking mistake lead to this fucking grave he dug himself into and hasn't been able to climb out of. That he's just dirty and buried under pounds of dirt and worms and it's best for Namjoon to just walk away, to step all over that grave and grow above it and leave him to fucking rot.

Min Yoongi isn't fuckin' human.

That's the problem.

He's not really here.

He's not human.

There's a pile of mistakes where his bones should be, a faulty foundation that will eventually crumble into a pile of dust. He knows this.

There is no future for him, he's only been pretending.

The problem is all that he wants is a chance for Jungkook because he's blown all of his own chances away in bathroom stalls and back alleys.

And Namjoon, Namjoon is the only good thing he's had in his life that isn't Jungkook but Yoongi knows he'll ruin that too. He ruins everything.

Everything is temporary and safety is an illusion and homes don't exist for people like him, only four fucking walls that cave in if he doesn't let a dude fuck him raw for an extra fifty bucks.

He should spill and spill and tell him everything he feels and all of the truths and admit that he's terrified of ruining a good thing.

But, instead, Yoongi leaves without another word because that's what Yoongi's really good at doing.

Ruining everything and picking up the pieces and pretending nothing ever hurts and that he can't hear Namjoon begging for him to come back.

*

Nothing hurts.

His mind is hazy and slow and nothing hurts anymore. Not when in his head he's somewhere else, anywhere else but here. He's not in someone's car, not riding them in the passenger seat in some parking lot, not feeling their breath on his neck and his hands on his hips holding him prisoner. He's not there with the cash he's been promised already in his bag.

Nothing hurts.

He's already taken on more clients than usual and he's hurting and sore but it doesn't hurt when his mouth is licked open and Yoongi's hand disappears into the man's pants to pump him. (An easy fifty bucks).

Nothing hurts.

Not when his face is slammed into the brick wall and another man is already pounding into him.

Nothing hurts.

Nothing.

Not a fucking thing.

How can it hurt when his bag is so full of money and Jungkook is still asleep on the bed when he gets home closer to six in the morning, Namjoon nowhere in sight?

How can it hurt when feelings and happiness are reserved for people that are a little more human than him?

It can't hurt because Yoongi isn't human? Can't you see? He isn't human.

He isn't human.

Yoongi sits in the bathroom stall of a dirty bathroom as a man cums over his face and he feels nothing.

"You look good like this," the man murmurs as he leaves.

Yoongi thinks he'll look better dead.

*

"Yoongi?" Jungkook whispers, crouching down to be eye level with his older brother who's tucked himself away in the closet, knees up to his chest. "What're you doing?"

"I used to do this when I was small, Kookie," Yoong explains quietly, reaching out for Jungkook and holding him close. "When I was scared and I wanted the boogeyman to go away, I'd hide here and hope he wouldn't come back."

"Did he?"

Yoongi hides his face in Jungkook's hair and whispers, "every night."

"Akimigaara can fight boogeymen now," Jungkook replies quietly, kisses Yoongi's cheek. "Akimigaara will save you."

Yoongi refuses to cry.

*

One second, Yoongi's being shoved into an alley against the wall, hands already grabbing at his milky thighs eagerly. And the next thing he knows, the man is gone and Namjoon is staring at Yoongi with wide eyes like he can't quite believe he's just done that.

He can't quite believe he's just pulled a man off of Yoongi and some sort of crazy look in his eye scared the man away.

"He--

"Is a client," Yoongi grits out angrily and pushes himself off the wall. "A paying client."

"You--

"I fuck men for money, Namjoon. You've known this," Yoongi snaps and turns away from him, stomping away. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have--

"Twelve hundred," Namjoon interrupts him and watches as Yoongi freezes up. "Cash. I have it on me right now. What can I get for twelve hundred?"

Yoongi wants to walk away, he does. But all that happens is that his eyes prick a bit as he talks. "Whatever the fuck you want for the rest of the night."

"Good, I'll take it," Namjoon says firmly. "Look at me."

Yoongi takes a deep breath in, then out, and slowly turns around. He cocks his head to the side and smirks a bit, playing coy, cute. But it doesn't reach his eyes. "How do you want me?"

"In bed," Namjoon says softly, clenches his jaw a bit, "in the mornings so I can burn the eggs."

"Namjoon--

"On weekends so we can do our pancake ritual with Jungkook," Namjoon continues. "And preferably with you unblocking my number just because I said something you didn't like. Or-or-or how about talking to me? Or--or, I don't know, yelling at me that I'm fucking up? Tell me to back off, tell me I'm out of line. Fucking--Yoongi, I'm not a client!"

"Then stop fucking paying me like one!" Yoongi screeches back at him, stomps his platform van hard into the ground. "Stop pitying me! Stop fuckin' promising me shit you can't keep, don't lie to me!"

"When have I ever fucking lied to you?" Namjoon snaps back. "When? Fuckin--

"Why are you with me?" Yoongi interrupts him.

"Yoongi, that's--

"Answer the question, why are you with me?" He asks again, stare intense and unwavering.

Namjoon sucks at his teeth and sighs. "Because I like you."

"The real truth."

"How about this, what do you want me to say, Yoongi? Cause apparently everything I fuckin' say is wrong."

"I want you to tell me that you're with me because you're lonely. Because I'm--I'm something you can save. I'm just--

Namjoon throws his head back and laughs. "Oh, that's--ya know, yeah. I am fucking lonely. I'm so fuckin' lonely, Yoongi, it's a physical ache. I'm so...I'm so sad. I'm a sad, rich boy living in this big lonely house. I'm so sad and depressed that I let months go by without cleaning up my dead dog's stuff because I would wake up wishing he was still alive so I wouldn't be so fucking lonely anymore."

Yoongi closes his eyes and takes a sharp breath in. "So, I--we were just--we were just a placeholder for your dog? Just a stupid charity case."

"Yoongi, no, you--fucking hell," Namjoon gets out. "I'm lonely when I'm with you, too. Because fucking fun fact; love doesn't cure depression. It doesn't--you were never a fucking placeholder for my soul's void or whatever the fuck you think. Sometimes I'll be holding your hand and I want nothing more than to fucking walk in front of a car. Sometimes I'm lonely when I'm kissing you. Sometimes I'm lonely sitting in a room with everyone I love because that's what depression is. It forces you to feel fucking lonely, I get that. But the thing is you and Jungkook help. You help me. You guys--Jungkook writes stories with me, Yoongi. He listens to me and he's a little kid and doesn't think my stories are fucking weird.'

"And you--I was so fuckin' in love with Taehyung that I wrote an entire comic book about it. I--Yoongi, that's what my greatest work was. It was my greatest heartbreak and it's been thrown in my face for years. My best friend didn't love me back and even when he fucking did, I couldn't be what he needed to be so I let that go. I'm not a good guy--I'm toxic. I'm shitty. I'm clingy and needy, I'm a lot of fucking things but I'm so self aware it fucking hurts sometimes.'

"You're not Tae. You're not....you're not some perfect idealized version of who I want you to be. You're flawed. You're real. You're human. I want to be with you because you're so human that it makes me so aware of how human I am too."

Human. Yoongi is human.

Yoongi makes a soft noise, bites at his bottom lip and looks down at his feet. "You're wrong," Yoongi whispers. "You're a good guy."

"No, no I'm really not," Namjoon argues. "But I want to be. I want to be the best fucking person I can be for you. And Kook. One day I'll be--I'll be like--I'll be the best. I'll know what to say, I'll know what not to say. I'll know when to back off or when to chase you down but for now, baby, you gotta let me fuck up and you gotta call me out on it because I've got no fucking idea what I'm doing. I'm--I'm really just winging it here so can you...can you give me a second chance? And probably a third and fourth, maybe fifth one?"

And Namjoon looks so vulnerable, so open, so...hopeful. Yoongi walks right up to him and buries his face in his chest, finally letting out a breath he didn't know he'd been hiding in between in his lungs, and breathing in the scent of Namjoon. Namjoon surrounds him entirely, wraps him up in his arms and kisses the top of his head and Yoongi melts into it.

"I'm sorry too," Yoongi whispers. "I should've--I don't know what I'm doing either," he admits softly. "I'm--I'm scared."

"Me too," Namjoon agrees. "But we can be scared together and we can fuck up together and we can learn together."

Yoongi laughs softly and pulls back up a bit and smiles softly. "We have ...like, three hours left of your money."

Namjoon laughs softly and nods. "And how should we spend the last three hours?"

Yoongi has an idea.

The idea involves going back home and carefully packing up some of Jungkook's things, being as careful as possible to not wake him while Namjoon helps pack up some of Yoongi's own things. And then Namjoon's the one to scoop Jungkook out of the bed, careful to not jostle him and the three of them make their way out of that area and back towards Namjoon's.

When Jungkook wakes up, he panics. He's somewhere he doesn't recognize and then hears Yoongi screaming so he runs, runs out of the strange room and towards Yoongi and then stops when he sees the scene before him.

Namjoon is wrapped all around Yoongi, holding him close as Yoongi struggles to get out of the hold. But there's no trace of fear anywhere. Instead, Yoongi is laughing with his face covered in batter and the smell of pancakes is so strong that it's almost overwhelming.

"Breakfast will be served as soon as Namjoon admits defeat," Yoongi laughs loudly and Namjoon lifts him up just to press their mouths together again.

There are no traces of fear in Yoongi's eyes, he's happy. He's so happy. So Jungkook joins in too, runs in and helps defeat Namjoon in the battle of the pancakes. It's perfect because his family is complete again.

*

By the end of the weekend, Namjoon's fridge is covered with various drawings of the three of them and Akimigaara. But he's proud, he's showing them off and he smiles as he continues to talk on the phone with his company.

He's managed to send in pages and pages of designs and even sketched out a few panels of a scene. Everything feels so good, everything is coming together so perfectly that it almost doesn't feel real.

But what does feel real are the press of his lips to his bare shoulder and he turns to see Yoongi curling into him, seeking warmth that Namjoon removed when he got out of bed. He stays silent, eyes closed, until Namjoon's off the phone. "You left," he whines until Namjoon quiets him with a kiss.

"Hm, I could've stayed and talked boring art stuff," Namjoon offers and Yoongi rolls his eyes and drags Namjoon back into the room for more time together.

"I could do this forever," Yoongi admits softly, tracing over Namjoon's bare chest with his index finger.

"You can," Namjoon offers out quietly. "Whenever you're ready, just know...know that offer's always up on the table."

"Maybe," Yoongi says softly and really things about it.

A life here? With Jungkook having his own room? Maybe a good school? Yoongi wouldn't need to work so often, he could sleep next to Namjoon.

"Maybe," he says again.

*

Yoongi only planned to stay the weekend but an entire week and a half passes before he finally decides that vacation time is over and Namjoon drops them both off back at Yoongi's apartment. Yoongi almost expects Jungkook to complain about the lack of space, the lack of pretty that their own place is but Jungkook is the best little boy out there and just hangs up a picture on their fridge.

"Now it matches with Joon's!"

"It does," Yoongi agrees before he's walking back over to Jungkook, squatting down to be eye level with him. "What would you think about living with Namjoon one day?" He asks softly. "You can be honest."

Jungkook bites at his bottom lip and blushes a bit. "Joon makes you happy."

"But it's not just about me, Kook. It's about you. If you like it just us it'll stay just us, we can cuddle up every single night here and it'll be ok. I won't be mad, ok?"

His little brother nods and smiles a bit shyly up at him. "I wanna live with Joon," he admits quietly.

So why wait? Why wait at all? Yoongi grins wide and nods. "Ok, I'll--I'll talk to him. We'll--we'll see, ok?"

*

When Yoongi tells Namjoon that night after work, Namjoon grips onto him so tightly it almost hurts. "You sure?" He asks, pulls back and holds Yoongi's face gently in his hands. "You promise? You don't feel pressured to or, or--

"No," Yoongi laughs softly and reaches up to grab at Namjoon's hands. "I want...I--I wanna fuck up together with you and make up in the most cheesiest of ways. I want you and Jungkook to annoy the shit out of me when I don't get what story you're talking about. I wanna scold you when you burn the bacon."

Namjoon's so happy that he can't help but lift Yoongi up properly and kiss him until they're both tumbling down onto the street and groaning in pain.

This is what healing must feel like, Yoongi thinks happily as he lays on the asphalt. It feels a lot like finding a home.

*

But Yoongi should've known what this was, he's been afraid of it for years. He kept it locked away, kept it hidden because he knew how dangerous this was.

Hope, as beautiful as it is, can kill you when it's gone.

*

Their apartment is in a sorry state three days later, everything quickly being packed up. So far it's just the essentials that are in boxes at Namjoon's house like their winter wear now that spring is here. Jungkook's art stuff has been split in half, most of his things are now sitting on a tiny table in Joon's studio while the spare room in Namjoon's house is being emptied out so he can shove a bed in there for Jungkook.

Jungkook couldn't believe his eyes when Namjoon had showed him the messy extra room, explaining that by the end of the month, there would be a bed in there just for him. His own room. Finally.

Yoongi huffs as he goes through another little box of things from the nearly empty closet, looking through the documents to find what he needs. He knows they're in here...somewhere, just hasn't figured out where exactly. He huffs. "I'm never moving again," Yoongi says firmly, glances up at Jungkook and smiles when he finds him drawing away. "Come on, pack your stuff, baby."

In an act of complete dramatics, Jungkook sighs as if it's the hardest thing in the world. He tucks away all of his crayons and places them back neatly in their box before he's grabbing his drawing pad and walking towards Yoongi. "I don't wanna break my crayons."

"Uh, put them in a box. I'll write fragile on it so we know not to hurt them, ok? Put your drawings in there too, it'll make us some money when you're famous," he teases and stands up, wipes his hands on his jeans and moves away to grab other things from the other side of his apartment.

He hates moving, but still, he's happy. So fucking happy. In a few week's time he won't ever see their little apartment again, the building that housed him for years, that kept him safe, his first ever home that he made for them, will be a thing of the past. It was theirs. Then it won't be and it'll be ok.

Jungkook will have his own room, will come home from a better school (even if it's not the art school that hasn't replied to their application yet), to a house with a yard. There'll be more places to hang up Akimigaara, more time spent together as the little family they are with Joon. More chances to help Namjoon with his bad days.

Yoongi breathes out a sigh of relief and smiles softly to himself.

He's finally made it. He's finally--

There's a loud knocking from there door and Jungkook doesn't even glance up from putting away his stuff in the box. Yoongi moves from the corner of the room, kicking boxes away and laughing a bit as he makes his way towards the door, completely intent on kissing the life out of Namjoon as soon as he sees him. He unlocks the deadbolts, cracks the door to be a dick, and that's when the chaos starts.

The chain is still locked when Yoongi shuts it closed in John's beet red face, reeking of liquor. He has a chance to slam it closed and run towards Jungkook as John uses all of his body weight to unhinge the chain from the wall, slamming the door shut behind him.

Yoongi shoves at him hard, grabs whatever's closest to him and throws it at the man before he's running towards Jungkook. He had a choice: Jungkook or the gun in his bag. But it wasn't every really a choice because he didn't even debate it as he made his way past the bag that was thrown somewhere away from him days ago, forgotten in the mess of packing up. Jungkook doesn't scream, doesn't have time to. Yoongi shoves him hard into the closet and slams the door shut and whispers for him to not come out.

Through the cracks of the closet, Jungkook watches silently as Yoongi gets dragged away roughly.

He doesn't scream.

He doesn't make many sounds.

But Jungkook is so silent in the closet, he can hear everything. Can see from the cracks of the closet as the man moves over Yoongi and Jungkook doesn't want to see it. Doesn't.

He doesn't want to be weak.

He doesn't want to be small.

He wants to hurt him.

Wants to kill him.

Wants Akimigaara there to save him. Please save Yoongi . Please.

It doesn't make sense, it doesn't make sense. Jungkook closes his eyes and listens as clothes are ripped off, as the sound of skin meeting skin is sharp in the near silence, and there's a tiny, pained Yoongi noise filling the room.

Akimigaara, please save Yoongi. Please kill the bad man. Please save him, Jungkook pleads in his head, fists his hands tightly and continues to plead.

The pleading in his head gets louder and louder until he realizes that it's not in his head anymore, it's not his voice. It's Yoongi's.

There're more sounds, sounds from Yoongi (begging), and Jungkook keeps his eyes closed tightly as the sounds get wet and loud, the room smells and their bed is squeaking non stop. The man sounds so out of breath, sounds like he's dying and Jungkook prays to whoever will listen that he dies.

It lasts forever, it feels like. Yoongi gets quieter and quieter until he can't hear him anymore.

Why can't he hear Yoongi?

Where's Yoongi?

He opens his eyes wide and peeks through to see, desperate to make sure Yoongi is ok but all he sees are Yoongi's legs and the man between, moving so hard between them that it makes Jungkook feel sick. He just wants the man to get off of him, please get off of his Yoongi. Please.

But the man doesn't move and Yoongi doesn't speak, doesn't seem to be alive as his hand falls limply off the bed and dangles there uselessly.

All those times he promised to protect Yoongi were lies. He promised. He promised and Yoongi taught him to not make any promises he couldn't keep and he broke the biggest one. Jungkook fists his hands tighter and hits at his head, does it again and again until he's hurting too.

He promised.

He promised.

He should save Yoongi.

He promised.

But he's too scared to move, too scared of the boogeyman in the other room. He's so scared.

Jungkook crawls further into the closet, presses himself tight to the wall and holds his hands over his ears and focuses on other things like Yoongi does sometimes. Like the movie he doesn't want to watch in his head but has to anyways.

Focuses on colors, focuses on remembering them, focuses on counting them. All of them. His favorite pack of crayons. 64 crayons that Yoongi gave him.

He counts to 64 and then starts all over again, focuses on counting again and again and again until the noises stop and Yoongi still hasn't moved.

Jungkook starts counting again, slower this time, waiting for Yoongi to get up. He just wants Yoongi to get up.

Why won't he get up?

*

When the silence stretches out for a long time and doesn't start back up again, Jungkook stops counting. There'd been other silent times when he'd thought it had been over, had placed his hand on the door knob with every intention of running out to help Yoongi, but then the noises had started up again. All of them were loud loud loud and none of them were from Yoongi.

The silence is too much for too long so Jungkook risks it and leaves the closet slowly, moves around the boxes of their stuff and stops at the edge of the bed where Yoongi is trapped halfway under the much bigger man's. His eyes are closed, looks peaceful as he sleeps, but Jungkook panics. He reaches out for the hand dangling off the bed and tugs.

Yoongi doesn't move, doesn't open his eyes.

Jungkook does it again and again, uses two hands to try and pull him out, to save him but he's too heavy. He just wants Yoongi to wake up, wants the man gone so he can't hurt Yoongi anymore.

But Yoongi doesn't move, doesn't want to. Can't.

The man's body is heavy on him. It crushes his lungs a bit and he struggles to breathe as the man sleeps. He can feel Jungkook tugging away desperately but Yoongi doesn't move. He can't. Because he's safe now, he's safe because now it's happened and nothing matters anymore when the bad things happen.

Because they always happen.

They always happen and it never hurts.

Nothing hurts.

Because Min fucking Yoongi isn't hu-

"Yoongi, please," Jungkook says too loud that the man on top of Yoongi stirs.

In seconds, Yoongi's brain turns on and his eyes snap open. Everything comes crashing in all at once and suddenly, the heavy weight on him is an anchor that is drowning him. The cum dripping out of his hole is dirty.

He turns his head a bit and sees Jungkook's terrified face and smiles.

John is done with him. He's had his few rounds of fun and John's knife is still in his hand, he's still gripping it tightly and Yoongi knows that if he makes one wrong move, that knife will be back at his throat except this time it'll be inside of his skin instead of just pressed there. He can't have that, who will take care of Jungkook?

Fuck.

Yoongi raises his free hand to his mouth and presses his finger over his lips. Then he motions for Jungkook to get his shoes, mouths to get himself ready, to get a bag, shove everything he can. And Jungkook listens because he's a good little boy, the best of little boys and Min Yoongi wants to cry because he knows he's just fucking finished ruining him.

But he doesn't cry. Buries that feeling deep down even further than the disgust, pretends he doesn't want to fucking throw up, pretends there's not cum everywhere on his body and blood dripping from where it shouldn't be. He pretends and lets his mind drift a little bit like it was earlier, lets himself pretend he's safe and far away from here.

At the beach, maybe, with Jungkook. Warm in the sun. Feeling small with Namjo-

"Yoongi," Jungkook whispers and he stares up at his brother.

Yoongi nods once and closes his eyes, licks his bleeding lips and then turns to look at the man and refuses to give him a name. He won't say it again, it was forced out of him but now he won't give him that satisfaction.

He won't.

Slowly, he moves, from under the man, slipping away carefully to grab anything that he can find around him to get dressed in as quickly as possible.

"Yoongi, you're—

"Quiet," Yoongi whispers.

He knows what Kook's going to say. He knows because he feels it. He knows he's leaking, he fucking knows he's bleeding, he knows he's covered in bruises. He fucking goddamn knows because he feels every second of it, feels his body protesting every movement because he was fucking—he—he—

Yoongi feels his chest caving in but he buries the thoughts even further so he doesn't break down. He pulls on the clothes and ignores the disgusting feeling of the semen that sticks and dries on him as he drags his clothes on top.

He'll burn them.

As soon as he can, he'll burn them.

But for now, he tugs on his shoes and moves to grab his bag when he freezes and stares. Inside, at the very bottom, is his gun.

The man had a knife.

But Yoongi has a gun.

And while he had shoved knife to his throat and forced him to—to—to do whatever he wanted, Yoongi has a fucking gun. He can take it out right now and press it to that man's head, he can take the safety off, he can pull the fucking trigger and his blood will look so goddamn pretty on that fucking bed. It'll look pretty and hide Yoongi's own blood.

Or maybe Yoongi can shove it up his ass, pull the trigger, watch his insides burst.

Yoongi stares, eyes wide, body trembling, and then grabs his bag and tosses it over his shoulders before he's bending down and scooping Jungkook up into his arms, ignoring the screams of protest from his body.

Yoongi doesn't cry.

He grits his teeth as hard as he can and walks out of that apartment building as silently as he can until he's finally outside and never looks back.

Jungkook doesn't speak the entire time, doesn't do anything, just holds onto Yoongi desperately and never lets go.

*

Jungkook doesn't recognize where he's going, doesn't understand anything. He just knows he hates apartments, hates 64 crayons, hates everything except Min Yoongi. So he clings, refuses to be put down as they crowd into the bus and Yoongi stands for the entire hour ride it takes to get over to Namjoon's, refusing to set Jungkook down.

He grabs a taxi, like before, and keeps Jungkook in his arms, rubbing his back, eyes dead as he stares into nothing. He's moving on autopilot. Yoongi can't feel a thing again.

Everything is fine.

When they finally get to a familiar neighborhood, Jungkook doesn't have the heart to be excited and ask if they're moving in with Namjoon today. Wants to ask if they'll have a money jar and if Yoongi will come late tonight too? Or will that man be waiting for them here too?

He hopes that man dies.

He hopes Yoongi killshim.

Frantically, Yoongi knocks on Namjoon's door, holds onto Jungkook tighter when he flinches in his arms and watches as the panic starts to set in for Jungkook. Yoongi doesn't have time to say anything to him when Namjoon opens his door with a big smile on his face like nothing is wrong.

"Hey, what're you guys doing here?" He laughs happily and then stops when he sees them both. "Yoon?"

Yoongi trembles, tries to keep calm. But his eyes are wild. He's shaking. And his teeth chatter. "I-I-I-I-I need—Jungkook was—I couldn't, I couldn't," Yoongi stutters, eyes watering, feeling his body finally catch up with his brain. "I didn't-I didn't—he just--just--he hurt me," Yoongi finally gets out and hides his face in Jungkook's neck. "I just need, I just need—I need—Jungkook needs—I fucked up. I fucked up," Yoongi...Yoongi doesn't cry.

Yoongi sobs.

Namjoon drags them both inside, taking Jungkook out of his arms and grabbing at Yoongi desperately. "Yoongi, what--Yoongi?"

Jungkook doesn't react to anything. Just sees Yoongi and he's crying, he's hurt and scared, and Namjoon wasn't there.

No one helped him.

No one saved him.

Jungkook promised to always protect him, he failed. He failed.

He was there and he couldn't save him.

"Yoongi, what the fuck is going on?" Namjoon rushes out, sets Jungkook down to grab Yoongi's face gently in his hands. He's panicking. "Yoongi what do you mean? Who hurt you?"

Yoongi shakes his head desperately, hides his face in his hands as his stomach clenches painfully and gags at the thought of it. He wants to fucking claw his skin off. Wants to drown. Wants to fucking die.

Yoongi wants to fucking die.

Yoongi wants to fucking die.

Please, God. Please. Please.

Please.

"Yoongi," Namjoon whispers as Yoongi's legs finally give out, as he collapses onto the floor on his knees, hands digging painfully into his hair as he hides his face in his wrists and screams.

Min Yoongi is human.

And humans feel everything.

*

I N T E R M I S S I O N