CHAPTER 25: VEGAS, BABY !

A/N Please don't yell at me for how long it's been! I apologize a thousandfold.

This story features most of Study Group B-Eve, Leila, Troian, Randy, and Jared! I missed these goofs.

I've been watching Only Murders in the Building so I'm casting Steve Martin and Martin Short as Troian's dads :)

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"VEGAS, BABEYYYYYYYYY!"

Randy has shouted this catchphrase every five minutes since the Human Beings arrived at the Greendale County Airport. Now, they're in a taxi van on their way to the illustrious Champagne Towers Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada, and he just. Won't. Stop. Saying. It.

"We get it!" Troian snaps. She crosses her arms and slouches in her seat. "We're in Vegas! It's not a big deal."

"Maybe not to you," Leila says, "since you grew up here. But for those of us who lived sheltered, boring lives, this is quite possibly the most exciting thing that's happened, ever!"

"It is pretty awesome," Eve says, mesmerized by the billboards and glittery signs they drive past. "And I'm not easily impressed, like Leila."

Leila flicks Eve on the back of head.

"Ouch!"

"I'm so ready for this trip," Jared says, slinging an arm around Eve. "This past semester was a rough one."

"I can't believe the Dean almost burned down the library," Eve adds.

"I don't know," Randy says. "I thought the spring fling fireworks display was pretty good!"

"Pierce Hawthorne lost an eyebrow," Troian points out.

Randy shrugged. "Collateral damage."

The reason for the trip was because Troian's dads were renewing their vows. She didn't want to come home alone, so she invited her study group along. All except Steven joined-he had to teach summer school.

"Are you excited for the ceremony, Troian?" Leila asks.

"It'll be fine," she says. "It'll be just like every other Beverley family social event: loud. Annoying. Too much bursting into song."

"I bet having such a big family is nice sometimes," Jared says. "You can probably get away with a lot more."

"You also get overlooked," Troian says, slouching in her seat. "I hate being the youngest of seven kids. And, to make matters worse, my family is full of performers. Vegas performers. Overgrown theater kids! All of my siblings are adopted, yet they all say they 'inherited the song-and-dance genes' from our dads. It's so lame."

"I bet there's never a dull moment," Leila says.

"That's one way to put it," Troian grumbles, as the taxi van parks outside the hotel.

The Human Beings pile out of the van and head into the lobby.

"Holy shit!" Jared says. "You really grew up living in this hotel?"

"Yep," Troian says.

"I love the vibe," Randy says. "This place is exactly my scene."

She's thoroughly unimpressed by the view, but the other Human Beings look on in awe. Glittering chandeliers sparkle high, high above their heads. Every few feet, ornate golden pillars shoot upward to the ceiling. The hotel workers all wear golden vests, and signs in big shiny frames advertise whatever shows are running at the moment.

One such sign has two smiling men in sequined purple jackets standing back to back. Above their heads is the show title: THE BEVERLEY BOYS AND THEIR FAMILY BAND, LIVE!

"Wait," Eve says. She points at the poster. "The Beverley Boys?"

"Troian," Leila asks, "are these your dads?"

Troian ignores their inquiries and beelines toward the elevators. The group shuffles behind her carrying their suitcases, struggling to keep up.

When they make it to the top floor, Troian stops the group before they can pile into the penthouse suite she grew up in.

"Now," she says, "I want you all to brace yourselves. We're entering the danger zone."

Jared rolls his eyes.

"I saw that!" Troian barks. "I'm serious. One wrong turn of phrase, and you're stuck listening to an a cappella rendition of your least favorite 90s pop song. Don't say I didn't warn you."

She unlocks the door and charges in, as if she's going to battle.

The Human Beings ogle the fancy main room of the penthouse. The furniture, appliances, and decor all look freshly plucked from an interior design magazine.

"DAD!" Troian yells. "POPS! WE'RE HERE!"

"Look at that skyline!" Leila says, racing to the large windows across from them. "You can see all of Vegas from here!"

Randy, Eve, and Jared join her to admire the view.

"Yo, check it out!" Jared says. "I can see two strippers fighting in the Bellagio parking lot!"

Randy cracks open the window and shouts, "AY, REDHEAD! YOU'VE GOT TO PLANT YOUR FEET!"

"Shut up, Randy," Eve says with a laugh. "There's no way they can hear you from here."

"Where the hell are they?!" Troian grumbles.

"The strippers? At the Bellagio."

"No, Randy!" Troian says. "Where the hell is my family! Dad? Pops? Terry? Thomas?"

Suddenly, the stereo in the corner of the room crackles to life, causing the Human Beings to scream in terror. An instrumental track begins, and from down the hall, harmonies echo:

"The Beverley Fam is as close-knit as ever,

There's not a storm we cannot weather.

But there's one member of the crew at school in Colorado-

When she's gone, we miss her dearly-we're filled with sorrow!"

"Oh, no," Troian grumbles. "Not the family band..."

"Oh, this is gonna be good," Jared says.

Wham! The door leading to the hall slams open and eight cheery people in matching fringe outfits tap dance into the living room.

"This is a dream, right?" Eve says, jaw dropped.

Randy pinches his arm and squeals in pain. "Ouch! Nope, this is real life."

"The Beverley Family Band welcomes you to Vegas!" the performers sing. One of them does a backflip over the coffee table, and then all eight of them strike a pose.

Eve, Jared, Leila, and Randy burst into raucous applause. Troian forces a grin.

"Wow," she says, sarcasm dripping from every word. "So awesome."

The two oldest of the singers step forward. They're the same men from the poster in the lobby. One of them is short, with scruffy brown hair and a smile that could light up the entire Vegas strip. The other is taller, with white hair and kind eyes obscured behind purple glasses.

"There she is!" the man in glasses says, before enveloping Troian in a bear hug. "Little Miss Secondary Education! We're so proud of you."

"So proud!" the brunet echoes, hugging her as well. "Troian, introduce us to your friends!"

Troian, already looking uncomfortable at the performance and fanfare (and copious amount of sparkly fringe), halfheartedly makes the introductions.

"This is Pops," Troian says, pointing to the dad in glasses. She points to the other dad. "This is Dad. These are my siblings: Terry, Thomas, Timothy, Tracey, Tallulah, and Tabitha. These are my college friends: Eve, Leila, Randy, and Jared. Great, now we all know each other. What time's the ceremony?"

"It's not until this evening," Dad says. "So we have plenty of time to catch up with you!"

"We want to hear all about your crazy adventures at Greendale," Pops says. "When she was pregnant with you, your mother used to tell the wildest stories about her time there."

Something like anger flashes across Troian's features. It disappears as quickly as it appears.

"We don't have 'crazy adventures'," she says, voice clipped.

"She's right," Randy says. Eve, Leila, and Jared frown at him, until he adds: "That's an understatement. They're more like 'whacky shenanigans.'"

"Adventures, shenanigans, hijinks, whatever!" Dad says. "We want to hear all about it. Beverley fam and Human Beings! Let's head to the buffet for brunch! Tap dancing always works up an appetite."

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Everyone had a wonderful time at brunch.

Well, everyone except one.

Troian spent the whole time stabbing her omelet with her fork and giving one-word answers to her siblings' and fathers' questions.

"Are you okay?" Leila whispers at some point during the meal. "Why are you being so-"

"Bitchy?" Eve finishes. Troian scowls.

"I wasn't going to say that!" Leila hisses. "I was going to say moody."

"I told you," Troian whispers back. "My family is too loud. We haven't had a moment of peace and quiet since we arrived."

"Maybe we can head to the spa after brunch," Jared says, holding up a brochure. "Daddy wants a seaweed facial."

Eve bursts out laughing, choking on her orange juice.

"What's so funny?" Jared says, furrowing his brow.

"You calling yourself 'daddy' has got to me one of the top five most ridiculous things that's ever happened at this buffet," she says with a snicker. "And Pops is playing the banjo for free pancakes right now."

They look over. Sure enough, Pops serenades the chefs with a banjo song, and they pile more chocolate-chip pancakes onto the plate Dad is holding.

"Ridiculous," Troian grumbles. Louder, she repeats, "This family is ridiculous!"

If her siblings hear, they don't care, instead continuing to chow down or harmonize with Pops.

After brunch, the Human Beings split up. Troian gets dragged away by her family for pre-vow-renewal-ceremony duties. Jared and Eve head to the aforementioned spa, and Randy brings Leila to the casino.

"Let the gambling commence!" Randy cries out, eyes shining. He and Leila grab buckets to keep tokens in. "Oh, I just love money!"

"Wow!" Leila says, admiring row upon row of slot machines and games. "This is so cool! I wonder if we'll win anything."

"Not to brag," Randy says, "but one time I blew 3 grand in one night and won $500 on Triple Berry."

He points to a candy-red slot machine, decorated with glittery cherries, strawberries, and raspberries.

"So you lost money?" Leila asks.

"Technically, yes. But that's all part of the allure of gambling. It's risk! It's reward! It's sometimes illegal, and sometimes dangerous if your bookie finds out you paid him in Monopoly money!"

Leila chooses to ignore the latter statement. She takes a seat at the Triple Berry machine. "How do you play?"

"First, you pay," Randy says. He swipes his card and puts $20 in the machine. "Then, you pick a fruit."

The digital touch screen starts to glow. Cartoon logos of various fruits swirl around.

"Always bet on berry," Randy advises.

"They're all berries, Randy."

"Oh, right. Pick the one that looks most delicious!"

Leila studies the fruits. She presses on the raspberry. The screen image changes, now showing three blank boxes.

"And now, the game begins!" Randy says.

Columns of rapidly scrolling fruits cover each box. One by one, they start to slow down.

In the first box lands: a raspberry.

"Hey, that's a good sign, right?" Leila says.

"Definitely!" Randy says. "Don't get your hopes up, though-"

In the second box: another raspberry.

"Huh," Randy says. "That's...huh."

In the third and final box: a raspberry. The machine starts to ding.

"Holy shit!" Randy yelps. "You won!"

Golden tokens shoot out of the machine. Leila dives to align her bucket with the spout.

"Nice!" Leila says. "Ooh, it says I have two more chances. I want to play again!"

Randy watches, jaw dropped, as Leila plays and wins two more consecutive times.

"JACKPOT!" a booming voice echoes from the machine. "BERRY, BERRY GOOD!"

The cartoon fruits turn anthropomorphic, line up, and do a kickline, the word JACKPOT super-imposed behind them in a glittery gold font.

"This is insane!" Leila says. "Look at all these tokens! When I cash out, I'm totally going to be able to afford a new film camera. Abed will be so jealous."

Randy isn't quite sure what to think. After a moment of solemn silence, he bows his head.

"I dub thee, Leila the Lucky," he says in a mystical voice. "You are my official good luck charm. C'mon, let's play some more machines, and then hit the blackjack tables!"

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Meanwhile, "Daddy" Jared and Eve enjoy their facials at the hotel spa.

"This is luxury," Jared says with a contented sigh as the spa tech puts cucumbers over his eyelids. "In another life, I bet I'm a rich asshole and I stay at places like this all the time."

"In another life," Eve quips, "you're still hawking stolen computers and out on bail."

"Admit it," Jared says. "You like Bad Boy Jared. You think Bad Boy Jared is sexy."

"I will neither confirm nor deny that statement," Eve says lightly.

"So that's a yes!"

Before Eve can retort, they overhear two elderly women walking past.

"Oh, I'm so excited for the show tomorrow!" Woman 1 says. "I've seen The Beverley Boys and their Family Band twelve times over the years. Time for lucky number 13!"

"What I wouldn't give to go backstage and meet them," Woman 2 says dreamily. "I would pay anything for that."

Eve and Jared peel the cucumbers off their eyes. Eve practically sees cartoon dollar signs dance over Jared's head.

"Maybe I should take Bad Boy Jared out for a spin," he whispers, eyes glinting with mischief.

"Whatever you're planning is a bad idea," Eve says. "But I'm intrigued. And I'd love to see you royally fuck this up. So, go for it."

Jared hops down from his chair and saunters over to the women.

"Ladies!" he says. "Did I overhear you say you love the Beverley Boys?"

"Oh, yes!" Woman 1 says.

"We're their biggest fans," Woman 2 says.

"It just so happens my associate Eve and I are close, personal friends with them," Jared says, jabbing his thumb in Eve's direction. She waves halfheartedly. "How would you lovely ladies like to attend their vow renewal ceremony tonight on the rooftop terrace? Tickets are just $50 each."

The women squeal with delight and pull out their checkbooks.

"Who do I make this out to?" Woman 2 asks.

"Jared Bonet," Jared says. "I'm their manager. The ceremony starts at 7, and doors open at 6:30."

Eve looks on with disdain as Jared snatches the checks from the women. They giggle and rush off, excited for tonight.

"You're terrible," Eve says.

"I just made $100!"

"And you invited two complete strangers to Troian's dads' vow renewal."

"Not strangers! I invited-" he reads the names on the checks. "Ethel Samson and Myrna Glass."

"What will the Beverley's think?"

"I'll just tell them they're prostitutes Randy hired."

Eve scoffs, but can't hide her small smile.

"See!" Jared says, pointing at her face. "You think I'm attractive when I'm breaking the rules."

Eve drops her face to a frown.

"Stop making me smile. My facial will peel."

An hour later, Jared and Eve emerge from the spa feeling refreshed. A small pack of tourists charge toward them.

"Are you the boy to see about the Beverley vow renewal tickets?" an old man demands.

Jared beams, but Eve cuts him off. "Sorry, we're all sold out-"

"Nonsense!" the man says. "I'm the biggest Beverley fan in the world! I've got to attend their vow renewal. I'll give you $250 if you can squeeze me in."

"Deal!" Jared blurts out before Eve can stop him.

Each tourist hands Jared wads of cash and checks.

"Doors open at 6:30!" he says as they shuffle off.

"So, what?" Eve says, crossing her arms. "Randy hired nine prostitutes? That's your new cover story?"

"It's Randy Dildopolis," Jared says. "They'll believe it."

Eve rolls her eyes and stomps toward the elevators, Jared following close behind and counting his stack of money.

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Later that evening, the Human Beings wait on the rooftop terrace for the ceremony to begin. Jared ushers the Beverley fanboys and fangirls to seats in the very back.

In the penthouse suite, the Beverley's rush around to prepare for the ceremony.

"Where are the rings?" Dad cries out, pulling all the pillows off the couch. "I can't find the rings!"

"Tabitha has them!" Timothy says.

"Has everyone memorized the lyrics to our wedding song?" Pops says. He waves sheet music in the air. "It's not too late for a refresher if you want to sing too, Troian."

"No thanks," Troian says. "Trust me, you wouldn't want me up there. I'm practically tone deaf."

Pops chuckles.

"You know," he says, "your mother always said the same thing. But we'd overhear her singing to herself and she had the voice of an angel."

The frustration that's been bubbling in Troian since the Human Beings landed in Vegas comes pouring out.

"Why do you guys do that?" she asks, before she can stop herself.

"Do what?" Dad asks.

"Talk about my mom like she's really a part of our lives?" Troian says, a thundercloud in her expression.

Her siblings share a look.

"We've got to practice our dance once more," Terry says. "See you all on the terrace."

They shuffle out, leaving Troian alone with her dads.

Pops and Dad, in their matching powder-blue tuxes, take a seat on the sofa and pat the cushion next to them. It's a gesture Troian knows all too well from her childhood.

"Oh, no," Troian says, crossing her arms. "I'm not doing 'Troian Talk Time.' No way."

"Troian," Pops says, "what's going on? You've barely called home the past few months."

"And you seem unhappy," Dad says. "What's this about, really?"

Troian sighs and relents. She sinks onto the cushion between her dads.

"I'm sorry," she mumbles. "It's stupid. We shouldn't be talking about this, you two should be practicing your vows or whatever."

"No need," Dad says. "We wrote them into a song and have been rehearsing it for months. Let's talk about you."

"It's just...I went to Greendale because I wanted to feel closer to my mom, but I still know barely anything about her," Troian says, the words spilling out before she can stop herself. "I know she was just a surrogate, and I'm lucky that I've gotten to meet her at all, but it was only once, when I was 13! She brought me into this world, so it would be nice if she, I don't know, made an effort to get to know me."

Troian had never spoken about this before-not to her family, not to the Human Beings, not even to Professor Duncan when he offered free, drunk therapy sessions on the quad (until the Dean shut it down).

"Oh, Troian," Pops says. "We had no idea you felt this way."

"It's whatever. Like I said, we should focus on you two."

She stands from the couch and gathers up the garish purple bouquet she's forced to carry at the ceremony. Before she can bolt, Pops lays a hand on her shoulder.

"Your mother used to be a close friend of your father's and mine," he says. "We haven't done a great job of keeping in touch."

"So how about we call her!" Dad says. "We can set something up. I'm sure she'd love to see the woman you've grown into."

"You don't have to do that," Troian says. "She probably doesn't want to see me."

"Nonsense!" Pops says. "I believe she's living in Washington state right now, but she travels a lot for work. Maybe she can swing by Greendale. And we can come visit you, and all of us can do something fun!"

"All of us," Troian says with a wince. "Including the 'family band'?"

"No," Dad says. "Just the four of us."

Troian's touched that her dads are so willing to set this up. Maybe she wasn't as overlooked as she thought in her family.

"Let's shake a leg," Pops says, checking his watch. "It's about time for the show!"

"You mean ceremony," Troian corrects.

"Same thing."

The vow renewal is quite a spectacle. An Elvis impersonator officiates and starts the ceremony with a warbling rendition of "Unchained Melody." Then, the Beverley band tap dance down the aisle-Troian even joins in, just for one shuffle-ball-change. Dad and Pops dance down the aisle as well, and they each sing their vows, the Elvis officiant performing backing harmonies for both.

At some point, Troian notices the strangers in the back three rows and elbows Randy.

"Did you invite those randos?" she hisses.

"Oh, good," Randy says, breathing a sigh of relief. "You can see them too."

The ceremony ends with a mash-up of "Burning Love" and an original song, all about love and music and Vegas.

Pops and Dad kiss, and collection of fizzing fireworks light up the sky above them. They dance back down the aisle and head to the hotel bar for the afterparty, all the guests on their heels.

"That was so beautiful!" one of the Beverley fangirls says, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "Mr. Bonet, this was a perfect day!"

Jared beams and says, "For an extra $20, I'll sell you the videotape of the ceremony."

Eve smacks him on the arm.

"He means thank you for coming," Eve says. "Do not give him any more of your money."

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During their reception, Pops and Dad sing "Burning Love" again on the bar's tinny karaoke machine. Troian looks on with a small smile.

"You're in a much better mood than before," Leila says, snagging the barstool next to Troian.

"Yeah," Troian says. "I guess family's not as lame as I thought. Still annoying as hell, and I need 18 months with absolutely no Elvis music to recover from this night. But they're cool, sometimes."

"Hey," Leila says. "If you don't mind me asking...why did you go to Greendale? I mean, surely there are way better schools closer to home. Was it just to get away from the Beverley family band?"

"I went to Greendale for family, actually," Troian says. "And I think I found a pretty good one."

She nods in the direction of Randy, Eve, and Jared, who have commandeered the karaoke machine.

"What's up sluts!" Randy yells. "We're the Human Beings and we're going to sing the sexiest song on Earth to celebrate these two crazy kids!"

He points at Pops and Dad, who preen at being called "kids."

"We're missing two members of our family band!" Eve teases. "Leila, T, get your asses on stage!"

"I don't sing!" Troian yells.

However, her friends won't take no for an answer. They chant her name until she shuffles onto the stage.

"What's this sexy track you've chosen, Randy?" she asks.

"Oh, you'll know it," he says.

The opening chords of "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer start to play.

"This isn't a sexy enough song!" Jared protests. "Randy, let me pick something better-"

"KISS MEEEEE," Randy belts in a horrendous falsetto, "out of the bearded barley!
NIGHTLYYYY, beside the green, green grass!"

And the Human Beings join in, singing their hearts out as the Greendale family band.

{Posted August 12th, 2022}

A/N Sorry if there are typos, I had to type the ending on my phone! Also sorry it's been a freaking year. I'll try to get the next chapter up before 2023 lmao.

QOTD: What would your dream wedding song be?

A: "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure would be a great one!